WEATHER Lucy in the Sky; Chance of Diamonds High: In about 18 days Low: Midgets
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WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2, 2014
Lethal Mold in RAC; Dance Marathon in Question BY MICHAEL LAZAROPOULOS NEWS EDITOR Routine inspections revealed a shocking discovery to the Rutgers community yesterday, as a toxic species of mold was found growing in the ceiling of the Louis Brown Athletic Center. Officials report that the mold, Stachybotrys chartarum, is known to be extremely deadly to those who come into direct contact with its toxins. Middlesex Health Officials assessed the condition of the RAC and has determined that it is unsafe for use. As a result, the gymnasium has been closed indefinitely while mold removal services clean the RAC of this lethal strain. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention provides an extensive list of symptoms that Stachybotrys chartarum causes in victims. These include hallucinations, seizure, pulmonary hemorrhage, jaundice, and infertility. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms or have been inside of the RAC within the past two months, Health Services urges students to seek medical consultation immediately. The report of this closing puts the annual Rutgers Dance Marathon in question. The decision to move Dance Marathon to the RAC was made to accommodate the growing student attendance, solidifying Dance Marathon as a premier event for the majority of the students during the academic year. Many student groups are discouraged by this news, as many
of these organizations have given much of their time throughout the year to raise funds for the Embrace Kids Foundation, which supports children afflicted with cancer and other serious disorders. With Dance Marathon only a few days away, Embrace Kids is working tirelessly with the Office of Sorority and Fraternity Affairs and Rutgers Student Life to plan a rescheduled event for another date. The greatest challenge these organizations face now is finding an available date this semester to hold Dance Marathon and a location that is not already booked for another event. Fraternities and sororities have remained hopeful despite these recent events. The Interfraternity Council and Panhellenic Council have made plans to hold an informal event that will take place on April 5th during the time formerly allotted for Dance Marathon. On this committee is Ashton Hannigan of Omega Theta Pi, who spoke the press to discuss the details of the event that the Greek community has planned. “We are all very disappointed that Dance Marathon will most likely be cancelled. All of the Greeks have put in so much time to help out these children and families and we want to have one last celebration of the year to show them how much we care about them. So, many of the fraternities and sororities have been discussing and we now have a great new event for this weekend.
Artist rendering of the new dining hall facility. Devco, the company responsebie for Rockoff Hall and The Heldrich will built it. DEVCO IMAGE/ WEATHERS CONSULTING FIRM
Cooper Dining Hall to Reopen in Fall BY ADAM ROMATOWSKI OPINIONS EDITOR After closing its doors in 2006 due to rising costs to stay open, Rutgers Dining Services announced that Cooper Dining Hall would be reopening for the fall semester. “We are very excited to bring another dining option back to Rutgers University,” announced director of dining services Joseph Charette. Cooper Dining Hall, which is located near the Jameson Residence Hall, has become the center of making all of the
students, including the greatest options for vegetarian and vegan students,” stated Charette. With the new dining options, the University hopes to draw huge crowds who are looking for a more diverse option, and from the students who have classes in the Mason Gross/College Hall area. With Douglass becoming more popular in recent years and with the influx of more students in the past semesters, the university has finally been able to allocate funds to reopening Cooper. SEE COOPER ON PAGE 4
First Transit to Eliminate C Bus Route by Next Fall Semester BY LEE MATALON STAFF WRITER
SEE RAC ON PAGE 4
packaged foods that are sold in places such as the DCC and Cook Café, however it will be returning as a fully functioning dining hall for next semester. Cooper will be returning the tradition of Intermezzo, which offers students high quality dining for a single meal swipe, but the dining hall will be offering new special nights as well. “The plan is to have international cuisine at all times, from Chinese stir fry to French desserts and Middle Eastern and Indian foods. We want to create a diverse dining option for our
Early last week, First Transit, the company which operates the Rutgers University campus bus system, announced plans to phase out an underused bus route as the first step in its three-year consolidation initiative. Citing excessive costs, lack of demand and better cooperation with the University’s plans, the C Bus route, called the “Busch Commuter Loop”, which serves only four stops on the Busch campus, is expected to be out of service by
next fall. “Cooperation with the University is one of our foremost goals,” announced First Transit regional VP Alan Versky, “and when the University announces its strategic initiative for improvement, it’s up to everyone contracted by Rutgers to ask, ‘How can we better use their money?’” Versky was always in favor of consolidating the bus routes; in June 2010, he was one of the board members who voted to eliminate the L bus, which served the College Avenue and Livingston campuses via Highland Park.
“Look at the facts,” continued Versky. “Buses serve the purpose of facilitating the movement of people. The C route is completely contained within one part of Busch campus. There are no highways or major roads to cross. Furthermore, it only serves four stops – all of which are currently served by the other routes. There is one bus that running the loop. Statistically speaking, if that bus was absorbed by another Busch route, it wouldn’t even affect those who ride it.” SEE BUS ON PAGE 4
Above: The RAC will be closed until further notice as sanitation teams clean the area of the mold. Below: The Scarlet Knight dancing at 2013 Dance Marathon. KNIVES CHAU
Image of generic bus on College Ave. It represents First Transit and the Rutgers bus system. FILE PHOTO/ JOHN DENVER/ STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER VOLUME 47, ISSUE 6 • UNIVERSITY ... 3 • NATIONAL ... 7 • PENDULUM ... 8 • OPINIONS ... 10 • DIVERSIONS ... 12 • CLASSIFIEDS ... 14 • SPORTS ... BACK
April 2, 2014
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WEATHER OUTLOOK Source: The light through a glory hole
thursday
friday
saturday
sunday
HIGH: $30
HIGH: rain ...
HIGH: YUP
HIGH: h=15m
LOW: $10
LOW:MORE RAIN!
LOW: NOPE
LOW: Gravity
CAMPUS CALENDAR Wednesday, April 2 The Daily Targum promises that today will be their blandest and most boring issue to-date! Thursday, April 3 This will be the day that WebReg will fuck me over with long loading times, closed sections, and thick, black dildoes. Friday, April 4 There will be a frat party that you want to get into and you have ratio. Everything should be okay. Fives for guys? What is this bullshit? I had to pay these girls just to let me come with them for ratio. I’m broke, asshole, let me in! Saturday, April 5 The Greeks will annex the Rutgers Athletic Center. For 32 hours, resistance is futile. Luckily, you, like most students at Rutgers, don’t go to the basketball games anyway, so why do you care? Rutgers will use normal bus routes this day in order to fool all the prospective students that our university has a convenient and efficient bus system. Students are asked to not mention the existence of the Weekend Buses to any visitor or the fact that Rutgers no longer has Stan the LX Driver. Sunday, April 6 It’s still Dance Marathon ... What are you, dumb? Saturday, April 26 The University will be holding Rutgers Day. Just leave. Go home for the weekend. This is not the day you want to be on campus. It’s like RutgersFest but it’s not fun. You can’t drink, burn couches, or insinuate gang violence. The buses will be useless. Little kids will run around, annoying you and their parents. Seriously, this day absolutely sucks. If it weren’t for The Medium’s booth, there would be no point in even going.
METRO CALENDAR Friday, April 4 The NJ State Theatre presents “The Nicholas Cage Story” at 8 p.m. at 15 Livingston Ave. This play depicts the life of an ‘actor’ as he attempts to scream, look confused, and punch women as he makes his way through his acting career. Tickets range from $15 to $45. Saturday, April 5 The Greeks will annex the Rutgers Athletic Center. For 32 hours, resistance is futile. Luckily, you, like most students at Rutgers, don’t go to the basketball games anyway, so why do you care? Friday, June 6 AnimeNext will be partnering with Exxxoitca in Somerset, NJ to hold the first National Hentai Appreciation Day in the United States. Events will include “Subway Tunneling”, “Octopus Loving”, and “Cocky-oke”. Attendance is expected to be high considering the sexually depravity of most otakus. Monday, October 5, 2037 The End of Days. The comet Alpha-NA1 will break through the Earth’s atmosphere and eliminate all life on the planet. Friday, February 14, 2XXX Future sexy time.
ABOUT THE MEDIUM The Medium is a student-written, student-managed, and government funded experiment to test the limits of The First Amendment. Specifically, the goal of this newspaper is to see how far we can use the concept of freedom of speech and freedom of the press as a method for testing the intelligence of the American public. Using Rutgers University as a test cohort for this study, the scientists who feed us spoiled ice cream in the basement of the Library of Science and Medicine have determined from the reactions of Rutgers students to the material printed in this newspaper that the general populace of the United States is completely screwed. They have asked that you students don’t take the articles and editorials in this paper seriously and “learn to take a joke once in a while.”
SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT If you really want to get those wrinkles out, then when you are ironing, we suggest you keep a spray bottle filled with water handy at all times. If you find that you ironed in a bigger wrinkle than before, you can lightly spray it with some water, wait a little bit, and then straighten out the wrinkle for a record clean shirt!
OUR STORY In west New Brunswick born and raised, on the computer was where I spend most of my days. Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool, and trollin’ some dudes on barstool. When those Targum guys, they were up to no good! Starting making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and Barchi got scared. He said “You’re writing something that will give me back my hair.” RECOGNITION My mom likes it ...
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April 2, 2014
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Edward Snowden to Speak at the 2014 Commencement BY BAKING UP TROUBLE MANAGING EDITOR Due to the concerns that many Rutgers students and faculty have expressed towards former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice giving the keynote speech at this year’s commencement, the Board of Governors have decided to rescind her invitation and instead plan on having former National Security Agency (NSA) contractor Edward Snowden deliver the speech. This move caught the University community off-guard, as it is generally never expected that the administration will do anything that is favored by the masses at Rutgers. Most have lost faith in their ability to make change occur and are ultimately skeptical about this maneuver. “I really would like to know the true meaning behind ask-
ing Mr. Snowden to come speak at the commencement,” said School of Arts and Sciences junior Matt Regule. “Let’s be real here. Rutgers has never given a rat’s ass about anyone’s opinions besides their own.” Rice’s opposition has mainly stemmed from her actions as Secretary of State while serving under former President George Bush. She is seen as a war criminal and has been called many names including the “Waterboarding Queen” and the “Black Weapon of Crass Destruction.” Edward Snowden, on the other hand, has been viewed in a more positive light and those at Rutgers appear to be looking forward to his appearance. His popularity has remained rather high ever since he released thousands of classified documents regarding global surveillance programs to media outlets last year.
Edward Snowden begins rehearsing his speech for the 2016 Commencement at Rutgers University from his home in [censored]. WALLACE WELLS / STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER “Young people are beginrently resides in an undisclosed for having chosen Snowden to ning to loathe the federal govlocation in Russia, where he come speak, especially since he ernment and I encourage them was granted temporary asy- will face charges if he travels back all to keep hating,” mentioned lum, Rutgers plans on sending to the States. University President Rutgers Libertarian Club a private plane to pick him up Robert Barchi, who also secretly president Ronald Market. “I for the May event. In order to hates the federal government, has am extremely excited to have pay for this, Rutgers will be made sure to increase security on America’s greatest hero, Edincreasing student tuition by Snowden to deal with any SWAT ward Snowden, speak at my 8.7%. team that might attempt to kidnap graduation.” President Obama has been him for rendition. Even though Snowden curvery displeased with the Board
Freshman Scared of Duty Rutgers Dining Services to Label to Stop Forest Fires which Foods Contain the Staff ’s Spit BY DR. TOSSED SALAD OPINIONS EDITOR Following in the footsteps of his lifelong hero Smokey the Bear, freshman SEBS student Billy Hendricks has looked forward to his first summer where he would be able to venture out and stop forest fires. As of last week, Hendricks has disappeared from campus and is said to be living in the Ecological Preserve on Livingston. “I was told that only I could prevent forest fires. ME. ME. Only me! Fuck, fuck, fuck…” muttered Hendricks the last time he was seen pacing outside of Nicholas Residence Hall or wherever those SEBS fucks live. Hendricks, who is part of many environmentally friendly clubs on campus, including Green Print, is said to be in love with nature, and does not wish to see any of it set on fire. “It can’t burn. Shit am I the only one who cares? If someone sets a fire it will spread and kill everything. Why doesn’t anyone care? Only I can prevent forest fires!” Hendricks’ roommate Arnold Schnitzel stated, “Ever since he was little—and this is the first thing he told me when I
met him—He said that he was in love with nature and that he had to save it, even if it meant him dying...I was like ‘Oh shit I have to live with this guy.’” Others who know Hendricks say that he has been getting worried with summer approaching and how no one seemed to want to help him save the environment. “Dude, I don’t want to sit in the forest unless I’m smoking. And when I told him that, he freaked out and pissed himself...Dude’s fucked up,” friend Harry Stoner told reporters. According to the Center of Combustibles Research, there is an average of 5,680 forest fires between May and August in New Jersey. This was the final straw that triggered Hendricks’s move into the Preserve to live full-time. Hendricks is now only spotted standing outside of Brower Commons looking to attract followers to help him in his quest to make sure there are no fires here at Rutgers before moving on to New Jersey as a whole. At present time Hendricks was spotted shouting: “Only YOU can prevent forest fires! I’m fucking serious. I can’t do it alone. Hey, don’t walk away!”
Billy Hendricks prepares for his nature excursion to protect the woods from forest fires. He is completely unaware of the enviormental effects of those water bottles, though. MATTHEW PATEL / STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
I was pretty sure I found some spit on my garlic bread the other day. But what was I going to do, not eat it? Garlic bread is my favorite food. SCOTT PILGRIM / STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR In response to the public outcry for labeling which foods contain Genetically Modified Organisms (GMO’s), Rutgers Dining Services has ordered that all campus dining halls and food vendors will instead label the foods that contain the staff’s spit. Citing the need to make students more aware of the nutritional content of their food, Dining Services realized that the saliva which the chefs and staff spit onto the food before serving it to students goes unaccounted for in the nutritional information provided. “We have a lot of health conscious students out there and it is their right to know exactly what they are putting in their bodies,” says Head Manager Karl Emesis. “That is why we
are requiring all staff to label the foods the spit in. It will help students make the right choice for their particular diet.” Many students are pleased with the new policy. In particular, Caroline Peristalakis, a junior Nutrition major, gave her opinion of the benefits of this development. “We learned in class that if you have a hyperactive thyroid, you might want to avoid foods with extra spit because it will cause acid reflux. At least, that was the answer I gave on the exam I just had. I could have studied better for it.” Questions still remain on whether or not the labels will affect the quality of the food being served in dining halls and campus centers. To shed light on these questions, Brower Commons Head Chef Sandra Crohn discussed the future of the dining hall menus.
“I’m still going to spit in it. I don’t care if it’s labeled. That doesn’t make it any less cathartic to watch you ungrateful meat tossers eat it anyway. Do you know how many times I’ve had to deal with people whining about the food here? I’m getting sick of it!” The new policy will go into effect next semester, giving Dining Services enough time to finalize remaining paperwork with the Food and Drug Administration and bribe the city’s health inspectors. “My biggest hope is that this makes everyone forget about the whole GMO thing,” states Head Manager Emesis after the interview’s conclusion. “Could you imagine us actually doing that? Labeling GMO’s? What do we look like a bunch of self-righteous hippies? Eat your mutated chicken-pork steak and don’t skip on the spit.”
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April 2, 2014
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Frat Bro Not Enitrely Sure What Charity He Supports
RAC The new Dance Marathon is gonna be the tits, bro! CONTINUED FROM FRONT WE CALL IT FUCK MARATHON! GONNA GET EVERYBODY IN THE SCHOOL TO FUCK NONSTOP FOR 32 HOURS!!! On the buses, in the lecture halls— shit, why not fuck right on my
Calc teacher’s desk? I FUCKING HATE THAT DUDE! College Ave is gonna flow with cum! That pussy stank is gonna take weeks to get out of our beds and couches. FUCK MARATHON!
COOPER Remember that dining hall you see while waiting in line at the Grease Trucks? Yeah, it’s that one. CONTINUED FROM FRONT Jimmy Jones was about to Google what his fraternity’s national philanthropy is, but he got aroused by some side boob on an advertisment. He is still looking at porn. RAMONA FLOWERS / STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
BY BONER ADVENTURE NEWS EDITOR On Sunday afternoon at the Mine Street satellite Beta Rho Omega house, a still drunk Jimmy Jones couldn’t remember which charity his fraternity was supporting at this year’s Dance Marathon. “Was it children with AIDS or Africans with cancer?” inquired Jones, an SAS junior with an
undeclared major, “I hope it’s not dogs with cancer.” “Big JIMMAYY,” as Jones is known to his brothers, decided to ask his other brothers in the house but none of them knew either. As the mildly interesting thought stayed in his mind he started to be worried. “I mean, I’m not a bad person, like I did Dance Marathon since I was a pledge and I went
to that migrant worker school on George Street with that sorority… what was their name?” Jones pondered his own question until he got distracted by the smell of his own t-shirt. With Dance Marathon only days away he is pretty ambivalent about the process. “One of the girls will come up with the money by flashing the alumni and we will be good,” said Jones as he opened a beer.
Beyoncé to Teach a Class at Rutgers; Why it Sucks
“Yeah we decided that the students need yet another dining hall, so we will be raising meal plan prices by $500 for each plan to help pay for the new staff. We feel like this will help move Rutgers in the right direction,” shared President Robert
BUS Oye-vey! No C Bus! What is this kosher, dreidel, drech, mechugennah? CONTINUED FROM FRONT The memo released by First Transit cited a decline in general ridership of the C bus. “It’s effectively only used by commuters. Many of these commuters are Jews, who don’t pay taxes,” presented region-
Beyonce gives her first lecture. However, many of the male studnets in the class left immediately to masturabte furiously. STEVEN STILLS / STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
BY CORRIDOR MAN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF In response to nationwide attention to a Rutgers University course featuring the cultural significance of Beyoncé Knowles, the music queen herself publicly announced last week that she will be teaching a class of her own. This coming fall, Beyoncé will be teaching a course on Rutgers University and why it sucks. An excerpt from the course synopsis states, “From crowded buses, to misuse of funding, to sporting scandals gallore, Rutgers University is at the forefront of institutional failure.”
The synopsis continued, “in this lecture series, we will be covering the varying degrees of suck related to the State University of New Jersey.” The course, which is rumored to include guest lectures by “Rutgers alumni” and black person enthusiast Marc Ecko will likely fill up within minutes of registration. From ESPN to the U.S. News and Report, the nation loves shitting on Rutgers, so many are expected to flock to the disparaging class. Preemptively nominated Professor of the Year, Beyoncé Knowles is practiced in pointing out flaws in others and making bitches bow down, so it was no brainer
Barchi. “And these fatasses will eat anything we throw at them. Have you seen the fatties on Dougie now that we have a grease truck. Imagine what they are going to do once they have another dining hall!”
for her to attempt to teach her first ever college-level course. “I woke up in the kitchen [one morning] saying how the hell did this happen? Oh baby, I should teach a class?” Knowles said in press conference, explaining her decision to become an educator. The full syllabus has yet to be released, but Knowles hinted that the inefficacy of the Barchi administration would be the focus of several lectures, as well as the rising crime rates and construction on the College Avenue campus. The course is slated to begin in early September and will run until Rutgers decides to get its shit together.
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al manager Darren Shale to the Board of Governors. “We can’t keep publicly funding the Jewish Agenda. Did you know that only 50% of streetlights in New Brunswick are operational?”
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April 2, 2014
Public Health Professor Talks the Dangers of Toilets BY FOUR LOKI COPY EDITOR Dr. Weston Ellis, an esteemed Public Health professor at the Bloustein School of Planning and Public Policy, gave a talk last night at the Rutgers Student Center about the many health risks caused by using toilets. Ellis began his lecture by asking the audience to raise their hands if they have ever used a toilet before. Everybody in the audience raised their hands. After an excruciatingly awkward silence, Ellis proceeded to continue with his talk. He emphasized the ultimate importance of always closing the toilet lid before flushing with two personal examples. “My seven-year-old daughter had just been potty trained and one day she forgot to close the lid before flushing. Some toilet water splashed on her face and she got Hepatitis C. Don’t get Hepatitis C.” Ellis continued to say, “Have you ever seen that MythBusters
get the hell out of that place to minimize the amount of feces that ends up on your scalp.” Melissa Chen, a SEBS senior, asked how to avoid getting ripped to shreds by toilet-dwelling alligators. “You know, it really is a crapshoot. But you have to use your eyes and ears on this one. If you hear anything, just run.” After nobody else came up to ask questions, Dr. Ellis stood awkwardly on the stage for thirty seconds and gave the following response: “Um, okay, well, that’s it, I guess I’ll see you all around then.” Dr. Ellis is currently working with other renowned public health advocates to publish a book, entitled Toilet Safety 4 U!, which is set to come out next year.
episode where they found fecal matter on the toothbrushes? This is because the poop grows wings and travels through the air after you flush. The toothbrush is their designated landing strip. This fate could have been avoided if you had a sassy gay friend. Dr. Ellis also warned the audience about the possibility of critter invasions in toilets. “In my review of Mary Kate and Ashley: Shore Thing, I read about alligators and rats being able to crawl up toilet bowls from sewers. It is a very real danger that you all should be wary of. People have died from alligators chomping down upon the flesh on their asscheeks.” After the initial lecture, a forum opened for a questionand-answer session. Steve Lim, a School of Arts and Sciences sophomore, asked Dr. Ellis how to protect oneself from flying poop specs in Rutgers bathrooms, where there are no toilet seat covers. “Do the ‘Tap and Dive’. Flush the toilet with your foot then
I hope these digusting pubes won’t give me a venerial desease? YOUNG NEIL / STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
Webreg Server Failure Causes Students to ReApply for Fall 2014 Semester Schedules BY BROSEF STALIN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Four minutes or more? I need this fucking class! Hurry the fuck up! Shit, I got into none of my classes? How do you not get into “Intro to Ethics”? YOUNG NEIL / STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
Due to a critical server failure last night, theorized to have been caused by heavier than normal server stress, many students’ registered course plans were lost. An official course of action to recover this data has yet to be announced and currently, students should continue to follow the application schedule as posted. Students who registered between March 31st and April 2nd should contact the Office of the Registrar to check the exact status of their schedules. It is currently believed that students who lost their schedules will have to schedule again at a later date, after the current scheduling period ends. Students who are afraid of becoming locked out of classes during this time may look to acquire special permission numbers (SPNs) to reserve their spots before they register again.
When asked about the failure, a Rutgers networking employee stated that this was the result of a series of unfortunate failures. Normally, the server is backed up regularly, as this type of stress is expected around the registration period, to avoid loss of data. However, a failure in the backup system went unnoticed and the server had been failing to back itself up for a few days, so when the server was repaired, the last usable backup had been nearly a week old, causing the schedules that had been made over the past few days to be completely lost. “We deeply apologize for this failure,” said the employee, who did not wish to be named, “It was such a rare occurrence that we genuinely did not expect anything like this to happen. Usually, back up failures are noticed quickly, but there seems to have been a failure in—
Rutge’rs studont com in firstst in 10Kay Race BY WRUNN GANCZEFSKY TARGUM WRITER
What the hell was this writter talking about? I got this picture, but I have no idea what to comment on it. Who are these people? Why should I care? GIDEON GRAVES / STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER
Shannen Dorsel become proud peronsn after competting in charity walk for brian disees and comming in forst place out of! many, many pppl! Dorsen is School of Science and Art Sopomore am majoring in Business and Enhineering. It is her forst race: to be come pleated, “I’m shockd,’ she, said. “I rememeber running wiht my dad ask a little kid, we ran thru park and down the street!! He instoll in me much perserverance and courgage of spririt.” Dordson belong to no running club either! His hole
victory is shock! Evne to close friends, he said. Jonny Haley, Dordson best friend and junior in Masson Groats school of Agrokultur, say of her: His “stamina make me think of rocky! He must be loce-child of him and LArry Bird. Ha ha ha he sa”id, saying that ‘I jike she shiuld forgo academucs and become long distance runnar like Farrest Gunn.” But ask of her fello runnars an they not suprized. Second place lose Tobey brown say, “From moment I saw Shennan I knew she was fierce comptietor. Red look on face furrow brow. {I] Could hear her breath gain on me but like I
said I’s not surprised. I new she was passing himself for entire time.” “Ditto,’say Eleanor Westfall. I could see Shanoon be Olympic runnar some day like Hussein Bold. She is good athelete and good people too.” “For now,” Shannone Rodels say out of breath drinking her water, ‘I think I just focus of my life. Support is means a lot to , me but and i feel guld about my self especially but I think. I , . just want to continue be a good student to make my parents pround and make good financial monet..” “I think Running will be my hobbie.
NationaL FAA Nervously Admits, “We Page 6
April 2, 2014
Russia Announces Don’t Know How Planes Work” World Conquest BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS NEWS EDITOR Washington D.C. - With the mystery of the Malaysian Flight 370 disappearance slowing coming to light, the Federal Aviation Administration released a statement yesterday, admitting that they, nor any pilot, air traffic control officer, or government aviation agency in the world, are not aware of how an airplane operates to fly and transport millions of people every year. “Let’s be realistic, people,” says air traffic control officer Ted Striker. “An airplane is
400,000 lbs. giant metal tube floating a thousand feet above the ocean. How the hell is that supposed to work? It shouldn’t! Airplanes are total bullshit! Gravity works! I’ve seen evidence of that my whole life!” Many professionals in the field of aerospace engineering also seem oblivious to how airplanes maintain high altitudes and speeds. Lead engineer for Lockheed Martin Corp., Dr. Neil Rumack told reporters, “How planes fly? I don’t know. It could be magic or luck for all I know. I’m not really concerned with designing our aircraft to fly right now. Since what they
do doesn’t really affect how the plane actually flies, pilots these days just want to have an Xbox installed in their cockpit. That’s where the money is.” The FAA refused to comment further on the subject. The only information they have provided after their press release was a statement on their website encouraging that prospective passengers consider taking a car to their next vacation or business destination, elaborating that “we don’t know how those work either, but at least they stay on the ground.”
Six Malaysian Airline Flight Passengers Found Alive BY INGRID THE INTERN STAFF WRITER Plothole Island - Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 tragically disappeared on March 8th, 2014 en route to Beijing, but 6 passengers have miraculously been located in the South Indian Ocean, confirms the Malaysian prime minister. The aircraft reportedly crashed on a remote island due to an unexpected burst of electromagnetic energy. As one survivor recalls, “all I could focus on once I became conscious was the incredibly good-looking doctor taking care of everyone. His
charm made the agonizing pain I was in simply vanish.” The group of initial survivors proceeded to band together under the leadership of the doctor. Without any knowledge as to whether they would be rescued anytime soon, they prepared to be living there for the long haul. That is, until, everyone started dying off. “Weird things started happening,” says another of the survivors. “A polar bear attacked us, a giant smoke monster terrorized us, and the fat guy in our group never lost any weight.” Things got even weirder
when the island rudely decided to reject its place in the spacetime continuum and time traveled back to the 70s. “We had to assimilate with the people who inhabited the island at that time so we fashioned bell bottoms from woven leaves and committed to showering even less than our weekly norm,” reports a third survivor. After a trying experience on a crazy island, six people eventually survived. They were rescued from the island by a helicopter and returned back home to safety. For some crazy reason, though, they are talking about going back.
BY SUPA KRUPA TROOPA SECRETARY
Stalingrad, Russia—Recently, Russia successfully annexed Crimea and the world is still scrambling to react. Shockingly, a strongly worded letter from the United Nations failed to have any impact in negotiations. United Nations Secretary General believes it was the choice of letterhead that rendered the letter ineffective. Russia’s Foreign Minister issued a press release stating that the U.N.’s poor stationary has emboldened them to take further action. Russia is finally stepping up to the plate after its poor showing in last century’s Cold
War. Hopefully Russia will fair better in this long awaited rematch. The country has gone as far as to declare the new national slogan to be “Russian Roots, Global Reach.” The president stated in a press conference that the next country they will annex is the Dominican Republic. “Ve vant to take over da vorld” commented President Putin while riding bare-chested on his horse, Buttercup. The Dominican Republic seems a logical choice due to its strategic position as a provider of Coffee and Rum. The Russian Ministry of Mysticism and Science, believes that without these powerful drugs Americans will be rendered powerless.
Oceanic Flight 370 as it was taking off. Getty Images
Q:
PENDULUM
April 2, 2014
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What is the one aspect of Rutgers would you change? “DEFINITELY CLEAN THE SEMEN OUT OF THE COOK CAMPUS CENTER BATHROOMS.” Darren Riley SEBS Senior
CAMPUS TALK Ashley Katz Dr. Alan Borshevsky SAS Sophomore
“CCC toilets are always covered in cum.”
Chair, Bioresource Eng’g
“Ever use the bathrooms on Cook? They reeks of ejaculate.”
By the numbers:
3.8: >0:
average number of males per sexual encounter on Cook Campus results of the average HIV test on Cook Campus
Robert Barchi
University President
“Bring back glory holes on Cook!”
Todd Fischer MGSA Senior
“WebReg. Also the dried jizz in the CCC.”
Fast Facts: It’s not gay if nobody saw. Vaginas are like, totally disgusting anyway. Like, have you seen those things? I’d rather have a fleshy, erect shaft than a gooey hole.
Next Week’s Question:
What is your favorite Brower Commons takeout meal to pleasure yourself with?
The Daily Medium
OPINIONS
Page 8
April 2, 2014
THE DAILY MEDIUM “Pissing off the Rutgers Community since 1970”
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Burton Guster
Is Animal Testing Really Worth its Many Perks?
People aren’t okay with animal testing
W
henever people get upset once Can animals even sue companies? Exactly. every couple of months about It even goes so much farther than animal testing we have to ask, just the simple products we use in everyday “Why?” It always happens when someone life. What about eating these little angels? leaks pictures of some company like Dial Yeah that’s right, we have the vegetarian or Garnier testing its products on animals, (and vegan people too) who are still not and I mean come on. It’s 2014 aren’t we with the times. Now it’s okay that we have passed this as a society. That we are a minority of people not eating animals, finally able to move on but imagine if all of us and just accept that didn’t eat them. They “Test them on people? we test on cute, fuzzy would overtake us all. Now that is just little animals. Not to mention there inhumane and wrong to wouldn’t be a lot of Think about all of the products that food for all of us to eat. do.” we test on animals. Imagine a world where Everything from shampoos, conditioners, the food rules us and we are starving at and explosives. Now how else do you the same time. Doesn’t sound fun now, expect us to test these products that we does it? use in our everyday life? Test them on Now while each side of this issue is people? Now that is just inhumane and worthy of having its argument heard, the wrong to do. Imagine all of the death and side that promotes “animal rights” just destruction testing these products would cannot back up their argument any longer. cause if we used real people. Imagine all How do they expect to get the amazing of the lawsuits that would spring up from shampoos and conditioners that make us all of this! Those lawsuits would cost the beautiful? How are we suppose to eat? It corporations and, ultimately, the people is time to just accept it and say: “Yes it is who buy their products millions of dollars. worth it.” The Daily Medium’s editorials represent the views of the majority of the 146th Daily Targum Editorial Board. Columns, cartoons and letters might reflect the views of The Medium staff. First Amendment motherfuckers.
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April 2, 2014
Opinions Page 9
Blowing Your Nose is So Sexy WHY GUYS ARE HOT
CANARY LOGAMASS
Y
ou know what is just the sexiest thing any man can do? That’s right; it’s to blow his nose. It might be the most powerful and satisfying thing a women can see a man do. Let’s think about this more in depth. We women we like it when a man shows confidence and, therefore, shows off his power. That is exactly what blowing his nose shows to us ladies. It takes all of your might sometimes to really blow your nose to make sure you get out whatever is up there so you can breathe. And that’s just what your man should do, and not be afraid to do it either. Blowing your nose
when it is all stuffed up can He must work really hard to sometimes be so frustrating. pleasure your every moment Did you know when you sneeze together. it can come out of your nose at And that leads into the next 300 mph? That is a lot of speed. thing: great personal hygiene. So when you blow your nose When a man cares that much you have the potential to blow about how he takes care of his at 300 mph. Talk about some body; to just whip out a tissue power...and power is sexy. and take care of business is just It takes so much so sexy. You have to make sure confidence to blow your nose that you take care of whatever in public, it up your w i t h “When a man cares that much nose from e v e r y o n e about how he takes care of his day to day. around, body; to just whip out a tissue Have you watching ever had a and take care of business is you and cold? It can just so sexy.” wondering be quite if you are sick with an infectious disease uncomfortable and one way to or something like that. A real make sure you don’t catch one man will just not care, while is to make sure you watch out rather caring more about his for germs. person comfort and just blow it Unlike the mouth, your right there. nose is always open, so blowing If he cares that much about your nose every now and again his own personal comfort, then will eject germs from the nasal just imagine how much he cavities and make sure you will take care of your needs. don’t get sick. Let’s face it, who
wants to take care of a sick person? Meanwhile, if he is comfortable blowing his nose then he must shower and keep his hair looking nice. Always a plus in the ladies’ book when you look good and take care of yourself. And then—mmm...then, there is the sound. The sound of a man blowing his nose. It’s it’s just something so sensual. But I’m talking about a wet blowing of the nose. Not a dry blowing. It just sounds like an explosion of liquid that just gets me going some type of way. So here is my advice to all the men out there: Blow your nose, blow it loud, and never ever think it is weird to do so. Canary Logamass is a School of Arts and Sciences freshman majoring in women studies and biology. Her column “Why Guys are Hot,” runs every other Wednesday. It includes reasons why she loves and why they are hot.
Who Cares About Crimea, Pay Attention To Me/Palestine Fuck the Zionists AMMAN MAPERYOUD
Y
ou know what really pushes my buttons? All the news coverage for this Ukraine/Crimea/Russia/ Whatever nonsense. It’s been going on for a month now, and it’s old news. Europe is pretty far away, and we don’t know anyone who likes Europe, right? You know what’s important? Palestine. The Palestinian people have been in a state of war with
the Zionists who occupy The Disputed Territories since, like, forever. The Palestinians have barely received any media coverage in the month of March. For example, last Wednesday, a man by the name of Kibbeh Lahamajeen al-Mechshi blew himself up at a checkpoint near Ramallah in The Disputed Territories. What a waste of precious life! If he had known the media wouldn’t print it he would have saved himself for next month! All the major newspapers focused on Crimean “conflict.” So what if the Crimeans couldn’t exercise democratic rights anymore?
They’re not Palestine so they don’t count. Not only are the newspapers ignoring Palestine, but they’re also ignoring me. Me! A locally successful blogger getting ignored by the media! I took the first draft of this article to the Daily Targum, but instead, they printed an opinion about how President Barchi needs to notify the students about murders off campus. How irrelevant! People die in New Brunswick every day! I even took this piece to the Huffington Post and they refused it too! They kept running these stupid pieces
about some airplane from Malaysia or something. You know who else has planes? The Israelis! Whatever, the Huff Post isn’t really a legit news source unless I say it is. Now I have to take this piece to the stupid Daily Medium, because its the only paper left. I really hope this article slips past the three Jews they keep on staff. Amman Maperyoud is a School of Arts and Sciences senior majoring in journalism and political propaganda with a minor in Jewish studies. Her column, “Fuck the Zionists” runs every other Wednesday, but no more than four times a month. (I’d like to stuff my falafel balls into her soft, warm pita.)
U. Students Need to Represent COMMENTARY Zakk Kleynzayn, Jerzees Vendor
R
ecently, the shifting weather has retired jackets in favor of lighter clothing, such as sweatshirts. This bothers me to the point of severe annoyance. I have nothing against sweatshirts themselves. They are a
practical garment that is also versatile in that its offers shelter for hands and head in kangaroo pouches and string hoods. Their cottony goodness is soft and welcoming during our muggiest days. Herein lies my problem: too many students wear sweatshirts licensed by other schools. Rider, MIT, Harvard, Columbia, Rowan...The list
goes on. It’s atrocious that these gaudy rags are paraded around campus so brazenly. It’s got me seeing red that I don’t see enough red. Scarlet! There are not enough people wearing Rutgers apparel on campus. When a visitor arrives, they should instantly know they’ve arrived by the hoard of Scarlet Knight hoodies mobbing them. The
ungainly light post flags would become redundant. I challenge the readers to look around them and count the Rutgers clothing surrounding them. Too few. Count other schools’ schmatahs. Too many. Buy an overpriced sweatershirt today. Zakk Kleynzayn, Jerzees Vendor really likes Rutgers. We are not sure why but okay, why not?
YOUR VOICE The Daily Medium welcomes submissions from all readers. Due to space limitations, letters to the editor must not exceed 400 words. Then again do we count the words? Absolutely not. In fact, most of the time, we don’t even read what you send in because it’s that bad. To be considered worthy of being printed in the best newspaper on campus, you must send it your name, height, weight, age, ethnicity, and whether or not you are okay with me licking your tight little asshole. Then, send your articles and ideas to: themedium.opinions@gmail.com.
Page 10
Horoscopes / SANIK
DIVERSIONS
Today’s Birthday: (04/02/14). You survived another year. Congratufucking-lations. No seriously, do you seriously expect a clap on the back? Do you know how many other people have the same birthday as you? The fact that you were born on this day X amount of years ago amounts to shit. Go make something of yourself. Happy Birthday.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) Your love-life hasn’t been so great recently huh? Yeah. The stars can see that. Why not try lowering your standards a bit? Lets be honest- if you could score anyone above a 5, you would have by now. Time to get hammered, lose all sense of decency, and attempt to appear even slightly less desperate than you truly are. Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20) You are about to begin a new phase in your life. A new, exciting, mindblowing phase. You will re-evaluate your place in this life, come to terms with yourself, and become one with nature. But first, be sure to obtain some quality drugs. Gemini (May 21-June 21) The planets are in your favor this week Gemini. Stock up on condoms/Plan B, because you’re about to be ambushed by your gender of preference in a delightfully kinky orgy of ultimate happiness.
Sudoku
April 2, 2014
THE BUS KID
your fantasies this week, Capricorn. Whipped cream always seems like a great idea, until you find you and your partner desperately trying to scrub it off the floor two hours before your roomate is supposed to come back. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) It’s your time to shine Aquarius. And Neptune has your back. Literally. Nobody is gonna fuck with someone who has a planet as part of their entourage. Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) This is a good week for telling your family about your most recent plans for the future. You’re just doing it for the money, they’ll understand, right?
Garfield
Jim Davis
Cancer (June 22-July 22) According to the Moon’s orbit this week, Cancer- you need to stop being a whiny little bitch. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Oh come on Leo. You’re better than this. Reading horoscopes? Seriously? Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Virgo, consider this your “sign.” Go out and do whatever it is that you were putting off doing.
Calvin and Hobbes
Bill Waterson
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Oh Libra. Libra, Libra, Libra. The stars aren’t shining upon you this week, the menacing form of Mars is blocking their heavenly glow from your supple, sweaty body. Watch your back! Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Planetary energy has you feeling quite frisky this week. Stop by the local animal shelter and calm yourself with the sight of all that pussy. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) The stars are definitely in your favor Sagittarius. Unfortunately, your lack of recent success has nothing to do with the stars, and everything to do with your lazy ass laying in bed all day. Stop procrastinating! Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Don’t get too carried away with
Over The Hedge You are going to walk into a tree
You retard
Literlly What!? going to walk into a tree
T. Lewis and M. Fry
Diversions Page 11
April 2, 2014
Non Sequitur
Wiley Miller
Pearls Before Swine
Stephan Pastis
Bill Amend
Foxtrot
Hagar the Horrible
Chris Browne
COME TO OUR MEETINGS YO! WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00PM IN ROOM 120B, BCC!
Brevity
Dan Thompson
Classifieds
Page 12 How to Write a Personal
April 2, 2014
1. Look around you and focus on some guy that looks like a douche. He probably is, so fuck that guy 2. This guy is a facist pig that murders puppies in his free time for fun. Get fuckin’ pissed. 3. Write out your hatred of facist puppy slaughterers in a few quick lines and e-mail it to: themedium.personals@gmail.com 4. Look for it in the paper next week, and laugh at the douche because he’s in a personal.
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Anyone up for renaming “Cookie Rush” to “Cookie Slow”? Anybody? I swear, they take 20 minutes to bake a single cookie!
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Shit You Need Done • Shit You Want to Do • People You Want to Do • What I Do?
COOKIES Krupa LOVES Cookies You should deliver these cookies to room 438 of the RSC on College Ave. Here you can find Krupa in her natural habitat probably eating more cookies.
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DEMOCRACY
Sign the referendum to have Ludacris speak at Commencement! Visit http://www. change.org/ petitions/ ludacris-atrutgers-commencement. htm to make your voice heard!
REMINDER
LOVE IN THE AIR
NOTICE: the elderly Dear Abby, woman is still in the We’ve known each Douglass library waiting other for three years and you’ve comfor someone to help pletely turned my her log into her Rutgers account. Net ID is mar- life around. I was a gep4 and password is happy-go-lucky-guy grandcanyon123 She before and now I’m addicted to heroin. has upped the ante Thank you. Love, to $25 an hour. Please Jonathan come soon, she’s beginning to smell like NAVNEET corpse. Wait, is she JYOTI even breathing? Register for Commencement Day Parking by visiting commencement. rutgers.edu. Register for Commencement Day Parking by visiting commencement.rutgers.edu. Register for Commencement Day Parking by
will you marry Me? :) Just kidding.
TINDER
ENTERTAINERS
My boyfriend is looking for hookups on Tinder. I’ll pay you to swipe left for my boyfriend. Email me at shoshannabelmonte@qq.com.
Ladies/Women/Prostitutes needed for Engineering Governing Council. (Because engineers are awkward and need help talking to girls.) Please inquire at our next meeting.
How does Tinder work?
They call me buttery
I just recently broke up with my boyfriend so my
Must be of Aryan race.
friends all made a Tinder
Send inquiries to ru.ulta@
for me and I keep getting
ulta.com.
notifications from hispan-
COUNSELING Are you a shitty friend? If so, come talk to Marsha from the Student Accounting Office in Records Hall during her lunch break. She is a good listener and is even better at doling out tough love via a slap in the face. No appointments necessary.
WHERE TO BUY Man suffering from
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landscaping
BUSINESS Is it wrong to feed dogs Korean barbeque? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Come join us on a BRAND. NEW. BUSINESS.
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We are seeking highly motivated individuals to act as managers for our new store! Call 732-999-1222. SHOE SHOP ON GEORGE
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OFF CAMPUS Interested in living off campus on College Avenue next year? We’re looking for two more people to sign onto our lease in April because we suck at planning ahead for these kinds of things. Please email us at themedium.a7@gmail.
Page 13
April 2, 2014
ON CAMPUS Hey...Have no friends? Have a high lottery number? Forgot to sign up for housing next year? Told you’d be put on the waiting list? Then come on down and join the fun in QUAD 3! We have no waiting list! Check out all our amenities: ceiling fans, smelly tunnels with funky carpeting, and more! Sign up at housing.rutgers.edu/ quad3 today!
Seeking experienced Rutgers student, faculty member or alumnus to give manual stimulation to powerful official in the academic world. Meet me in the Cook Campus Center bathroom at 1:00 AM on Thursday April 3rd to help me complete my Mastur Plan. Call 848-9327454 and ask to speak to Roberto Barchez.
I seem to have accidentally locked myself out of my room. Can I borrow someone’s phone so I can call the RA on duty? I’m dripping wet in my towel!
SUPERHUMAN
Imagine this as a superhero story: a girl who gains the power of being able to shoot plastic saran wrap from her hands. She hates her power because she is vehemently opposed to polluting the environment. So, she resolves to never use her superpower. The only problem is, she HAS YOU LOVE THEM use her powers. If This however is Woof woof. I love little to she the plastic not mandatory dogs. Even when they’re wrapdoesn’t, in her veins will Hello, obnoxious as fuck, they’re gradually build ups I have a proposition for still adorable. Woof woof. and form plastic clots you, this however is not in her arteries. So she mandatory nor will I in To the delicious has to let it out every any manner compel you chocolate man in the HELP WANTED couple of days otherto honor against your fried chicken line wise she’ll explode Hen Hen the will. Let me start by in- at the Livingston from blotation. How Weatherman troducing myself. I am Dining Hall, are sucks! We need Dr. Smith Lee, Direc- you single and can I sad is that? a new weather- tor of Operations of the guess what your shoe LYRICS man to predict Hang Seng Bank Ltd, size is? Sincerely, desYou’re beautiful heavy snow Sai Wan Ho Branch. I perate, tiny Indian You’re beautiful for Friday so have a mutual beneficial girl who needs sex. You’re beautiful classes will be business suggestion for D. Crabley is the sexiIt’s true cancelled and you. est man at Rutgers! And I saw your face I’ll have more It’s not just his chisAnd it was a big time to study disgrace for my exam. 1. Can you handle this eled features, ruggedly project? And my memory handsome good looks, It’s a long shot, 2. Can I give you this and sexy style that is true but thanks! Photographers Needed for Rutgers Food Network. This network doesn’t exist yet but we can post pictures of shit we eat on Instagram and call it professional.
trust?
blown panic attack.
Dr. Smith Lee
Absolute confidentiality is required from you. Besides, I will use my connection to get some documents to back up the fund so that the fund canHelp wanted with my not be questioned by any essay due Thursday authority. More informacause I didn’t do shit tion await you in my next over Spring Break or last response to your email message. week. Email me ASAP at Treat as very urgent. drksalsa31@aol.com Yours Faithfully, before I go into a full
JUST BECAUSE
LEASING Leasing my alcoholic daughter, aged 3 weeks, for the cost of 2 summer classes at the Rutgers New Brunswick campus. Call 732-599-1111 for more details.
ELECTRONICS
Television Set for Sale
I don’t understand why nobody will buy my TV! It ain’t that expensive and it’s only $345!! 42 inches people! Did I mention I SAY! it’s flatscreen! Come I totally have a on people... oh wait, I boyfriend and didn’t. I totally forgot his name is Refridgerator. He is to mention that. Anyway, call/text Robby tall, white, and at 598- 313- 7731 with kind of squareany questions. ish. I love him
makes me wet, but also the bulges in his tight jeans and the fact that his the D. stands for Dick. Not only does he have the most beautiful Rutgers ass (for a guy), he also has a huge bulge in the front. I’d like to massage him for lots <3 FOR SALE 8 hours before I let him Does anyone else sing DISCREET fuck the shit out of me. to their food? WhenI want that man’s cock ever I go to the dining Hello, I am selling coin my pussy! hall, and I see pie, I caine (coke) for very I love tacos but I always just sing to it. cheap price. The despise burritos. price is only $50 (40 eur) for 1 gram. You can pay by credit card or electronic transfer. Everything will be discreet. Your package will arrive in a plain discreet envelope. Everything will be secure. Email me for more information and to order at GLADSTUFF@ GMAIL.COM.
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Page 14
April 2, 2014 FOOTBALL
Nova on Mugrat article: “At least the Medium was funny when fucking with me” BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON STAFF WRITER
Rutgers quarterback Gary Nova has had a very up and down football career on The Banks. A love-hate relationship between Nova and the fans reverses polarity from week to week. Like most talented yet under-achieving athletes playing for Division 1 programs, Nova faces a lot of scrutiny. However, the recent article about him transferring that was featured in The Daily Targum’s “Mugrat,” an annual satirical issue published by the newspaper, bothered him for one simple reason: “It wasn’t even funny!” “I mean--Jesus Christ--if you’re going to make fun of me, don’t come out with that bland shit. An entire article
that lists redundant facts about my career and the punchline is just simply that I’m transferring. How long did it take you to come up with that one, guys? Fuck off,” Nova told reporters following an expletive-ridden post practice interview. “That Medium article stung, but at least it was funny. Gary TurNova? Me throwing interceptions during non-football activities? That’s fucking genius. I tip my hat to the guy that came up with that one,” he said. “Even last year when those bastards at The Medium said I jerked off to Teddy Bridgewater, I laughed because, you know what? I do that!” “But ‘Nova Transfers to Avoid Scrutiny?’ Shit, that’s weak guys. Now it’s my turn to tell you step it up, Targum!”
F
reshman star from Kansas, Andrew Wiggins, has declared for the NBA draft. Wiggins was sentimental about leaving school, telling reporters “These have been the best four, errr, this has been the best year of my life. I made so many friends and learned so much in my Math 101: Counting Pocket Change class, as well as the toughest of my courses: Biology 102: Is This a Plant or an Animal?” Wiggins is projected as a surefire top three pick for this coming draft. After a stellar NCAA Tournament performance in which he went 1-for-6 shooting the ball and scored a whopping 4 total points before seeing his favored Jayhawks dropped one to 10th seeded Stanford, NBA scouts were very impressed.
D Junior quarterback Gary Nova apparently knows how to read.
MORE FOOTBALL ‘CAUSE THIS IS AMERICA
Chas Dodd prepares for upcoming season, does not realize he is no longer eligible BY HENRY CHEN COPY EDITOR
Dodd does not realize he cannot play in college next season. Also, has red pubes.
IN BRIEF
No need to get into all the gory details here, but suffice it to say, senior quarterback Chas Dodd’s four seasons as a member of the Scarlet Knights didn’t work out how either he or the team expected. After joining the Knights in 2010, Dodd has slowly but surely found his footing and is looking more like the dominant force he once was as a member of James Byrnes High School in Duncan, South Carolina. “I’m ready for a bigger role,” said Dodd, following a Spring practice. He does not know that he has used up his four years of eligibility and no one has the heart to tell him. The Knights are heading towards the off season training in hopes of better preparing them-
selves for the forthcoming 2014 campaign. “I can’t wait to start. I am feeling good and I just want to go out there and have fun,” said Dodd, not realizing he will graduate following the Spring semester. As the Knights are trying to forget their disappointing Pinstripe Bowl appearance in last December, the South Carolina native said he’s plenty happy in Rutgers and talks about how he’s moved on from last season’s tumultuous finish and is eager for a fresh start. “I cannot wait to finally be a full time starter,” he added wistfully. “It’s ‘R’ time and this is ‘R’ house. I am just really stoked and confident that next season is ‘R’ time to shine.” Follow us on Twitter or I’ll kill a homeless man @MediumSports
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eSean Jackson was cut by the Eagles earlier this week, a move that took most of The League by surprise. Jackson is in his prime at 27 years old, and is coming off perhaps his best season as a pro with young quarterback Nick Foles slinging him the ball. The Eagles felt that DeSean’s character issues outweighed his production, and they let him go mere hours after reports surfaced about him possibly having gang ties. “There’s no place for a guy like DeSean in this league,” claimed Eagles coach Chip Kelly, confidently adding that “there really is just no room in the NFL for big, super-athletic black guys that sometimes appear to be thugs, have too much money and time on their hands in the offseason, skip the occasional team meeting, sleep around and father multiple children out of wedlock, try to injure other players for cash incentives, or murder people. Those just are not the guys that we have representing this league, and we fear that DeSean might be headed down that road.”
W
ith seven games left to play and three points out of a playoff spot, New Jersey Devils goalie Martin Brodeur said he would be surprised and disappointed if his team did not make the playoffs. Brodeur said he intends to have an affair if the team misses the playoffs. In 2003, the goalie had an affair with his sister-in-law then married her in the same season that the Devils won their last cup.
J
osh Turnerson, a sophomore in the Rutgers School of Arts and Sciences, went 9-1 on the beer pong table last Saturday at his friend’s party on Guilden Street. Turnerson completely ran the table and all the bitches definitley noticed.
F
ollowing their 10-1 Opening Day win over the Colorado Rockies, the Miami Marlins are on pace to go 162-0 for the first undefeated season
Page 15
April 2, 2014 GYMNASTICS
WOMEN’S BASKETBALL RUTGERS 65, DELAWARE 61
Students riot following WNIT win
Senior Alexis Gunzelman looks to improve upon her careerhigh all-around score last Saturday in the Rutgers quad
Senior, Rutgers aim for consistent meet BY JUSTIN LESKO CONTRIBUTING WRITER Senior Alexis Gunzelman has had quite the series of up-and-down performances in the Rutgers gymnastics team’s past three meets. She earned a careerhigh all-around score of 39.35 on February 9th at George Washington, then broke it last Saturday with a 39.4 in a quad meet at home. In between, she had a performance she would rather forget. Not only was her score of 38.025 well below her previous season low, but it was also her worst performance in 17 meets, dating back to May 2012. “After my performance last week, I knew I had to go into the gym confident and I think I really got it back,” Gunzelman said. The Knights have been similarly inconsistent as a team since they started out with three team scores around 195 in their first three meets. In the next two meets, they followed with scores below 193.5 but seem to be progressing with a 194.575 in their meet last weekend with No. 18 Penn State, Temple and Ursinius. “I think it’s about remembering what we did in those first three meets and what we need to figure out,” Gunzelman said. “I think a lot of it was that we did not have anything else to focus on except gymnastics.” The team’s first three meets occurred when class was not in session during winter break. “We are integrating both school and outside studies and stuff like that,” Gunzelman said. “We have to be able to balance that and I think some days we come into practice and we’re tired, but we need to be able to work through those and that’s what we’re figuring out.” Penn State was the
second ranked team Rutgers faced this year. It defeated No. 22 Ohio State early in the season. “Any time you get one of those Top 25 programs it’s obviously a chance to step up and show how good you are,” said head coach Louis Levine. “Mostly I think we did a good job [against Penn State].” If the Knights hope to accomplish their team’s goal of qualifying for the NCAA Regionals, they have to start figuring it out now with only four meets remaining. They begin with a dual-meet at Cornell tomorrow. Rutgers’ current regional qualifying score of 194.615 puts them 30th in the nation. If the season ended today, they would fall outside of the top 18 teams that automatically qualify for the NCAA Tournament. In addition, they would be one of six teams in the Northeast Regionals at Penn State’s campus fighting for two tickets to the gymnastics championship in Birmingham, Ala. The Knights have faced injuries like this, beginning with an injury to freshman April Baker in the second meet of the season at Kent State. Junior Luisa Leal — arguably one of the team’s top two gymnasts — and bars specialist Emma Hoffman were both injured at Texas Women’s University on February 1st. Hoffman performed for the first time since her injury last weekend, and Levine hinted that another gymnast might be coming back soon, although he did not specify as to whom. “It felt really great to get out of practice and show what I can do for the team,” Hoffman said. “Just to get back out there and contribute.” For updates on the Rutgers gymnastics team, follow @MediumSports on Twitter.
BY JUST THE TIP SPORTS EDITOR
Students flocked to the streets of New Brunswick following the Rutgers women’s basketball team’s 65-61 victory over Delaware in the first round of the Women’s NIT. Students came back to campus from spring break en masse for the joyous celebration. They were witness to burning couches on College Ave and jumping into the Raritan River. Police allowed the peaceful gatherings and some were seen joining in with the revelers. “This is why I chose Rutgers,” said junior Ryan Bradford. “I have loved basketball all my life and chose between this school, Duke and Syracuse. Tonight it finally paid off.” A record-setting standing room only crowd of almost 10,000 at the Rutgers Athletic Center witnessed freshman phenom Tyler Scaife’s 22-point performance. Her teammates carried
FINAL FOUR Coach Jordan said he had sex with Rick Pitino’s wife after the game CONTINUED FROM BACK
to hating on Louisville. According to coach Jordan, Rutgers “should’ve beaten those bastards last time, but the fucking corrupt refs blew it.” When interviewers reminded Jordan that Rutgers lost 92-31, he retorted that “you can all go fuck yourselves,” and that they “should try playing a game with paid-off refs that are dying for a chance to hold Pitino’s dick.” “Now Pitino can’t even hold ma’ dick!” Should Rutgers continue their winning ways and overcome the Seagears and Lumpkin supposedly Monday, March 31, 2014“ass-fondling, 15:48
her into the locker room where champagne was waiting on ice. “You are the best fans in New Jersey!” yelled junior captain Kahleah Copper, as she celebrated in the Rutgers student section at the RAC. Junior forward Betnijah Laney took the place of the pep band’s conductor and led them
“Suck on these titties, you Delaware cocksuckers.” JULIE HERMANN ATHLETIC DIRECTOR
in the University’s alma mater. Head Coach C. Vivian Stringer said this was the most memorable of her nine hundred-plus wins. “I have won an Olympic gold medal, been inducted into the Pro Basketball Hall of Fame in the same class as Michael cock-munching referees,” the Knights can look forward to a National Championship matchup with either the South Valley Manhattan Bulldogs or the Eastern Dakota Turtle Dicks. No matter who they face, the Knights are in prime position to win their first ever National Championship. They have a unique opportunity in Dallas to finally give fans, alumni, and students something to root for besides the occasional win over horrible football teams. Follow @MediumSports on Twitter for updates on the basketball team and pictures of my dick.
Jordan, John Stockton and David Robinson, and been to three Final Fours, but this is a game I will never forget and I may choose to retire on top,” she said. President Robert L. Barchi was seen crowd surfing in front of the Rutgers Student Center at approximately 11:30 PM. An incarnation of pure human exuberance, he and former University President Richard McCormick embraced with an open-mouthed kiss. They later left in the same car. Further showing that all members of the University community were touched by the Knights’ victory, Athletic Director Julie Hermann was hoisted to the top of a police car where she removed her top and yelled, “I love New Brunswick. Suck on these titties, you Delaware cocksuckers.” Students, however, did not notice the Knights’ next two tournament games.
STADIUM A low point for High Point Solution Stadium as the Knights choke. CONTINUED FROM BACK
some of these guys from [coach] Brian [Brecht] to play on Saturdays next season,” Flood said with a laugh. “No seriously, we need some help next year. Do you think we’re going to last against Michigan or Ohio State? I mean god-fucking-damn, I didn’t sign up for this shit. I didn’t sign up for any shit. That mother fucker [former head coach Greg] Schiano just left and I was stuck with this steaming pile of shit? I’m not gonna lie I might run in front of a truck on Route 18.”
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RUTGERS UNIVERSITY—NEW BRUNSWICK
Sports
QUOTE OF THE DAY “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.” —Daily Targum Sports Editor Greg Wiener
ONLINE AT RUTGERSMEDIUM.COM
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2, 2014
MEN’S LACROSSE MARQUETTE 14, RUTGERS 13
Lacrosse sells out High Point Solutions Stadium BY DUSTIN JESKO
Field. She announced that the team’s remaining home games at the stadium, including today’s against St. John’s, have already sold out. “I love sharing the stadium
SPORTS EDITOR
In their first game at High Point Solution Stadium, the Rutgers lacrosse team lost to Marquette in front of over 52,000 fans. The Scarlet Knights (6-4, 1-2 in the Big East) trailed by two goals with less than two minutes remaining but the Golden Eagles scored a game-winning goal with 16 seconds remaining at the University’s football stadium “It obviously is not the result we want,” said third year head coach Brian Brecht. “But the crowd was electrifying and we are proving to the school and the country that we have what it takes to be a lacrosse powerhouse as we enter the Big 10 next year.” Attendance was the third highest in the stadium’s twentyyear history and contained all the pageantry of football games. The cannon in the corner of the end zone was fired after each goal, leading to complaints from neighbors in Piscataway. “We’re still working out some kinks,” said Athletic Director Julie Hermann. “This is a new chapter for Rutgers athletics and we hope to continue lacrosse games at the stadium in the upcoming seasons.” Hermann went on to say that the new stadium will help recruiting for the team compared to the team’s normal home at Yurcak
with them,” said head football coach Kyle Flood. “I tell ya, I’m out there seeing some of those guys and I wouldn’t mind recruiting them to play on Saturdays next fall. “I’m going to have to steal
SEE STADIUM ON PAGE 15
SEE TRACK ON PAGE 13
A standing room only crowd packed High Point Solution Stadium to see the Knights lose 14-13 to Marquette.
MEN’S BASKETBALL RUTGERS 78, WICHITA STATE 76
MEN’S BASEBALL
Rutgers advances to Final Four against Fla. BY MATT FASTIGGI STAFF WRITER
The Rutgers men’s basketball team continued it’s late season surge during the first weekend of March Madness. After a solid 56-49 win in The Round of 64 against Kansas State, the Knights came into their matchup with Wichita State ready for action. They ended Wichita State’s run at a perfect season with a thrilling 78-76 win, marking the program’s first win over a number one seed in the NCAA Tournament. In the next round they outlasted Louisville Cardinals, in a tough Sweet 16 game and then crushed Michigan’s title hopes
with a 75-72 win in the Elite 8. Excited alumni, proud of their basketball team for the first time in years, are saying that these Knights are looking more and more like the heralded 1976 team that reached the Final Four undefeated on the year before losing a tough game to Michigan. Before anyone can book a trip to Dallas for the National Championship, Rutgers will have to beat a Florida team that is the number one overall seed. Rutgers coach Eddie Jordan did not seem too concerned about their next opponent. In fact, he dedicated his entire interview SEE FINAL
FOUR ON PAGE 15
RU to offer cricket team in 2015
Columbus New Jersey
3 (SO) 2
Toronto Vancouver
0.21 1.39
Pittsburgh NY Rangers
14 0
Kansas City Hartford
4 1
Corleone Tattaglia
4 1
Washington Washington, DC
0 2
SPORTS EDITOR
Junior guard Miles Mack shot 8-of-13 for 22 points to lead the Knights over the Shockers.
EXTRA POINT
NHL SCORES
BY DUSTIN JESKO
SEE PINS ON PAGE 13
ERIC LEGRAND, former football player, was honored for his contributions to the athletic department by Julie Hermann, coach Kyle Flood, Subway, Miller Lite, Pepsi, and Secrets Gentleman’s Club.
Citing the growing popularity of the sport in America and abroad, Athletic Director Julie Hermann was pleased to announce that Rutgers will become the first university in the country to offer a varsity Twenty20 cricket. She mentioned the University’s growing Indian and British populations as the driving force behind the idea to bring the sport SEE CRICKET ON PAGE 16
KNIGHTS SCHEDULE
SOFTBALL
WOMEN’S BASKETBALL
BASEBALL
WATER POLO
at NC State A&M University College
WNIT Seventh Place Game
at Seton Hall
Raritan River
Today, 4:00 PM
Today, 7:00 PM
1:19 p.m.
Saturday, 1:00 p.m.