The Medium 10/5/2022

ALL SCHOOLS TO BE MOVE INTO HAUNTED WOODS, SAYS SECRETARY OF EDUCATION SAYSAYSIHAUNTED SHACK IN

BY LEXA PREAUX

At a recent press conference, New Jersey Secretary of Education, Brian Bridges, announced a plan that seeks to boost standardized test scores and cut down on spending in public schools. Beginning in September of 2023, all K-12 public schools will be moved into a single slightly haunted abandoned shack in the woods. The remaining empty school facilities will be used as Amazon warehouses. Bridges states that this drastic change in the setting of schools will “boost morale in each student as they are forced to confront the damning shadows of the pines, eerie floorboard creaks, and ultimately the fear of the unknown.” In recent years, New Jersey schools have faced extensive budget cuts and the clear public opinion is that cutting the arts only ruins the quality of

education provided. Bridges claims that Woods Shack School Plan addresses the issue of budget cuts by reforming the state of public school facilities across New Jersey, rather than cutting programming in schools. Similarly, with declining standardized test scores in the

wake of COVID-19, New Jersey educators have expressed a lack of confidence in the reworking of the curriculum and have been calling for more innovative approaches to improve test scores. Although the plan has not been well received, Bridges insists that dread and the

SEBASTIAN STAN SIGHTED AT THE MEDIUM PRODUCTION ROOM

BY RU_SEBASTIANSTAN FAN OF RUTGERS' GREATEST EX PORT

As many of you may know, Rutgers has numerous famous celebrity alumni, including renowned poet Robert Pinsky and microbiologist Selman Waksman. (And yes, I did only name those two because they are in fact the only Rutgers alumni (celebrity and non-celebrity alike) that had interesting names when I looked up famous Rutgers alumni.) I know nothing about the history of this school and I’d like to keep it that way. However, there is one major celebrity alum that every Rutgers student should know about: Sebastian Stan. He’s killing all the ladies, pow pow pow pow pow. Recently, Mr. Bucky Barnes was sighted around campus,

doing Seb things. Most notably, he was caught on camera going over to The Medium’s Production Room. We asked an on-site source who looked suspiciously like the deceased Kira Amethyst to tell us all about Mr. Stan’s adventures in said Production Room: “He was hunky, he was steamy, he was

That Ian Guy in Florida Is Kinda Scary

sticky (after our adventures), he was everything and anything a woman wants in a man… he was just raw and unadulterated Seb.” Someone who was outside of the room at the time claims that they heard a deep and sexy male voice moaning, “Omg, you’re so hot for

Continued on Page 2 Continued on Page 2

Not

STILL BETTER THAN KUMON INSERT SCHOOL VOUCHER JOKE

piece of motivation to study. Bridges has defended Woods Shack School Plan, stating “I want these kids to feel true fear. I want them to know what being scared to the brink of death is like. I want to see the confidence drain from their eyes while they take multiple choice quizzes on Catcher in the Rye. If they slack, the ghosts will get them. Yeah, I made sure that shit is haunted. That creepy shack is haunted as fuck. Do you know how many ghosts are in there? Six. There are six scary-ass ghosts in that shack. I counted them. Do you know how many children were killed here? 3. They were stuffed in suits. I don’t know about the 4th though. ” Time will only tell if the shack will revive education in

Jersey.

even more deets. “So, I was attending office hours in the Production Room when I heard a saucy sound on the other side of the door. I needed to stay on the Zoom call, so I hid under the desk, and just in time, because the source of the saucy sound thrusted through the door immediately after. They apparently didn’t notice that someone else was in there, even though, after they broke the table with the power of his thrusts, the jagged halves of the table were being supported by me.” Personal Lee is now being treated at RWJ for back pain.

After weeks of asking, we finally got an in-person interview from the man, the myth, the legend

was in the room. It was hot.

Go watch Wakanda Forever on November 11; I may be in it ‘cause I’m an ally,” said Mr. Stan.

THEY ARE CLAIMING AN ECO ROUND

RUSSIAN

LEAKS

BY: SEYMOUR ASSES

Getting ahead of an intelligence leak this past thursday, the Kremlin announced to the public that they are going to be performing an “Save Round” in the coming weeks. In a statement to TASS this week, former General of Logistics

Dimitry Bulgakov claimed the idea came to him from a new recruit who had been an avid Counter Strike: Global Offensive player prior to being told to patriotically volunteer to serve his country.

For those unacquainted with the first person shooter

genre, a save round involves going in without buying weapons in order to save for future rounds. If performed correctly, Bulgakov explained, soldiers will be able to ambush Ukranians and take their guns. “In a few months, we will be able to send more supplies to our troops, and that will secure our victory.” The strategy should come as no surprise. The CS:GO player base has reportedly reached record lows as more and more Russians heroically get signed up for the army. It’s only natural that strategies from the game would make it up the chain of command.

According to the leak, the Russian offensive plans to rush Bucha before the Ukranians have a chance to respond, take their guns, and recover the spike before the round ends. With the information now public, it is unlikely that they will be able to take B so easily; the Kremlin has yet confirmed

We can only speculate on the leaker’s goals at this time. The National Enquirer claims they received the information in exchange for a Karambit Case Hardened Knife, but the validity of the deal is dubious at best. At press time, the Kremlin claimed they identified the leaker, but he took an accidental lethal 3 story fall out of his first floor apartment before he could be taken in for questioning.

INSERT

Feelings of Despair at AIR Part 2

By: Token Brown Woman

Hello, all. I am back again with yet another review of an AIR-hosted event. Now, I’m not going to lie, I thoroughly enjoyed every single performance. RU Dhol Effect? Absolutely amazing. RU Bhangra? You guys had me dancing with my bookbag on. Rutgers Bengali Association? Shit was fire. But, I was disappointed that not a single group chose to play NAV, the first brown boy to get it poppin’. Like what the actual fuck. How could you disrespect our culture like that? I sat there patiently waiting for “Myself” or “Some Way” to come on. I expected some of the fraternities or sororities to play NAV or even as a song in between groups. I had already been hate-crimed once that night so not playing NAV was just the cherry on top of my day. I was also mortified by the number of frat brothers who shoved past me. There was absolutely no reason to do that. Also, they quite literally copied and pasted their dance moves from the AIR Show in the Spring. The creativity was nowhere to be found. My hopes and dreams are now crushed, so thank you for that. Next time, please hire me as a DJ. I could do so much with that power. I have such a fire playlist. For reference, please see last week’s Features page. Thank you for listening to me complain, uwu.

Things My TA Has Said

By: Hugh Janus

1. “Can you even read bro?”

2. “You’re in big trouble mister.”

3. “Do you pinky promise to give me my formula sheet back?”

4. “Slow down, Sonic.”

5. “Are you even looking at the paper?”

6. “I think you’re lying to me.”

7. “You guys are done-zo?”

8. “Did you steal my calculator?”

I LOVE BEING A MINORITY

My Review of Being Harassed

By: Token Brown Woman

Picture this: the College Avenue Student Center at 9 p.m. on a Thursday. I'm sitting there, casually chatting with a friend when all of a sudden, a man and his two friends come up to me. He asks, "Can I ask you guys a couple of questions?" We go, "Yeah", and this is where the trouble began. He said that he was a stand-up comedian and he gets people's political views. He started off by asking my friend a question first which was along the lines of "Do you know what the textbook definition of a feminist is?" She goes, "A feminist is someone who believes men and women are equal and should have equal rights. To which he responds, "WRONG" and he repeats the question again. This happens for two more times and then he goes into denying the existence of the transgender community. He says "If I believe I am a woman, would you believe the same?" To which my friend said, "Yes, I would". Then, he says "If I believed I was Black and started throwing the N-word around, would that be okay?" Now, at this point he starts actually throwing around the N-word at least a dozen times even though he is not Black at all. And guess what, his justification to saying it is that his two friends that were with him are Black and he's known them for a long amount of time. At this point, he asks my friend, "You're Black right?" and looks towards me and says "You're Indian right?" and we were absolutely baffled. He proceeds to ask me if I were a "traditional woman" to which I asked him to define "traditional". Long story short, he ends up gaslighting me by saying that I identified as a "traditional woman". He was clearly dissatisfied by my response so he ended up just leaving. It was traumatic.

WELCOME TO THE FEATURES PAGE. I ACTUALLY PUT A LOT OF WORK INTO THE PAGE THIS WEEK. PLEASE COME TO LSC ROOM 109 ON WEDNESDAYS AT 8P.M. TO HEAR ABOUT THE CONTEXT BEHIND EACH OF THESE ARTICLES. I CAN GO ON A TANGENT FOR HOURS. AND S.M. IF YOU'RE READING THIS, FUCK YOU.

“I am dying on the inside lol”

Thoughts on Midterms?

SORRY, DORKS. BUT SMOKING IS RAD!

Smoking Isn't Bad, You're Just a Pussy

BY HENRY "THE HAMMER" RIZZOLI

Last week, Marlboro University discovered something that anyone who knows how to drive a stick shift already knows. Their research found that smokers are 40% more charismatic than the pussies too afraid to use a lighter. This should not be a surprise to anyone intelligent such as myself. I mean, have you seen the losers who whine about smoking?

Average RBS Student right now

Give them a break, they had 2

FUCK MAE!!

A Letter to the Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering Department

BY THE AVERAGE MAE STUDENT

Dear MAE Department,

I am writing to you as one of many students in the Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering Department. I wanted to thank you for all of the experiences I have had in my time here. However, I do wish you would have shipped me some novocain-infused anal lubricant when I enrolled in this program, considering how hard the MAE department absolutely destroyed my asshole.

For starters, I would like to thank the entire MAE department for the fact that I will be graduating with absolutely no marketable skills. While other Engineering majors might enjoy benefits like machine shop training, coding experience, and hands-on laboratory applications, I am very glad that our department has decided to do away with all of those silly formalities. It's a good thing that all those wonderful, welltaught lessons we learned in our sophomore year will finally be reinforced during a singular one hour-long lab that will take place the semester before we are supposed to graduate and go do actual engineering jobs. I will definitely remember all of the information that I learned during my 8:30 AM lectures with a professor with the oratory skills of a Silly Bandz bracelet, who told his entire class that we weren't allowed to ask any questions.

Anyway, in conclusion, you can all suck my cock. Fuck you, fuck this program, and fuck the 4 years I am wasting here. can't wait to explain to my future employer why I don't know how to insert a drill bit.

Love and kisses, The Average MAE Student

Snowflake Millennials and Zoomers think "smoking is bad for you" and "will give you cancer." But, if they left their safe spaces for five seconds, they would learn that being sexy is worth a premature death. Smoking, by its very definition, is sexy hence the term "smokin' hot." There's nothing sexier than when a person leans over to offer you a cigarette because I have heard it could lead to sex. Not only can smoking help you deadbeats get laid, but smoking in movies is also very sexy. All the actors from The Golden Age of Hollywood smoked, and all those guys would make you have a tent pitched in seconds. Even film characters who smoke are more attractive. Take a look at the character Rachael in Blade Runner. Sean Young is already a beautiful woman, but smoking makes her character even hotter. And that pompadour she has, don't even get me started on that… In conclusion, smoking is badass, and everyone should do it. If we were not such an easily triggered society, every section of a restaurant would be the smoking section. Even pregnant women should start smoking. That way, their babies will be born cool and pop out of the pussy wearing shades. Go to you local convenience store and buy their entire stock of cigs.

MR. WONDERFUL STRIKES AGAIN

Beyond the Tank: GayCare

BY KEVIN O'LEARY

Citizens of Rutgers University, I am pleased to announce myself as an investor in GayCare. Even though I hate gay people, this business easily fits into the Mr. Wonderful portfolio and I am in need of a business to market for Pride Month.

Initially, after their Shark Tank pitch, obvious events happened. Barbara instantly went out without providing a reason, Lori went out due to this not being advertisable on QVC, and Mark gave one reason to go out, but said, “For all those reasons, I’m out”.

This left me and my archnemesis, Robert as the only ones left in the tank. Like some bleeding heart liberal thug, Robert decided to give them an offer due to the sad, melancholic backstory the owners of GayCare provided. They had asked for a $5 million investment for 1% of the company (an offer that imputes a valuation of $500 Million) and Robert decided to give them the $5 million for 10% ($50 million valuation).

Naturally, I had to outbid him. I decided to offer them the $5 million as debt on the company for 2.5% in stocks, 10% in advisory shares, and a $1 million royalty for every gay put in the centers which would stay in perpetuity. After seriously considering both offers, they initially decided to accept Robert’s offer. I.Was.Livid. As they were about to shake hands, I pulled out a Glock 19 and shot Robert’s head off clean. Needless to say, I am a part owner of GayCare and am excited to see one open up in every American neighborhood (as long as it is progressive).

you think

"There are tests happening right now?"

"Is it too late to drop out?"

Ima Outaheere

Regretting their life choices right now

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M STUDYING!" Mary Calmstone

Now is not a good time to talk to her

Jab

Last week, a question was published bringing up a supposedly previously imposed, and honestly unjust, word limit for personals responses. Said question had the audacity to claim that answers are supposed to be limited to 20 words. In a similarly audacious move, the imposter answering this slanderous question suggested that the only reason this word limit wasn’t being followed was because the new personals editor didn’t feel like following the rules. The aforementioned “20 words or less” rule has, in all of my years reading the medium, never been followed. Is this rule now being mandated?

Do you intend to follow it? If so, are you going to get around these sanctions by responding to far lengthier questions?

Danny, you’re in a coma! Your family loves you and we miss you so so much but you need to wake up! Please!

Power Dunk You Died At 60% At Ledge

RUOK?

(BUSTER WOLF!)

(You just died at 60 because you had the audacity to attack your opponent in a competitive fighting game! Butter luck next time)

I keep arriving to class late because of the bus es. Should I just start using one of those dumb Rutgers scooters?

(Great question. I’ve nev er personally been a fan of dating/hookup apps like Tind*r and Grind*r, but that’s just me. Plenty of people have found great success through these ser vices, be they looking for a quick fling or something more long term. In fact, I’m going to a wedding next week for a couple who met on Tind*r. So while it might not be right for me, it clear ly is for others. But regard less of what you do, what matters is that you keep putting yourself out there! -Dr Peter Johnson, P(enis) HD (No. The scooters, and anyone who may claim to support them, are dangerous and untrustworthy, and should come to a meeting at the Lingston Student Center in room 109 on Wednesdays from 8-9pm if they disagree. @RutgersScooters)

(I could go both ways on this one if I’m being honest. I mean, Blow has been good to me in the past, but recently it’s been more Blow. If you’re asking me today, it’s gonna be Blow, but it could just as easily tomorrow be Blow OR Blow.)

Being around my incredibly attractive wife, Betty Boop, always makes me feel so nervous, like I’m not good enough for her. What should I do?

(This sounds like imposter syndrome. Remember that you’re not the only person who chose to be in this relationship. While it may be hard to believe that such a gorgeous woman would pick someone as inexplicably normal as you, she still did. She must see something in you. If you’re too in your own head around her, you’re going to lose her. And there are plenty of people who would kill to be married to that statuesque spiky-haired vixen. There are plenty of people who will kill to be in your position.

Why is there so much sexual tension between the members of The Medium?

(We all secretly wanted to fuck the last editor-in-cheif while she was here, but then we couldn’t because our lives are actually written by a woman in a slow burn romance novel. So now we just project onto the other members.)

Swaffelen

Word of the Week: Dutch v.

1. Hitting one’s soft or semi hard penis againist an object

(Our sports editor was like super excited for this to be the word of the week. Like, I said if he wanted it he should put it on the doc as a deterrant and he did it instantly.)

Now use what you've learned! Select a question from the above and submit your answer to themedium. submissions@gmail.com!

You just won a

meet

Staff

Gabbie Carter Has Great Tits

50 Shades of Gorged: A Medium Fanfiction

By: The Average AO3 Writer

Well, well, well. It’s been a while since our last fanfiction has graced The Medium’s pages. So let’s get into it.

Chapter One: So It Begins

Opal had been depressed since her twin younger sister, Kira Amethyst, spontaneously exploded due to her hate of Busch Campus. She just walks around campus all day sighing as she listens to her “Sad Girl Autumn” playlist on repeat. One of these said days, she was looking down at the ground while walking out of Room 109 in the Livingston Student Center and she walked into something hard.

“Ow! Hey, watch where you-” she said, rubbing her forehead as she looked up to see what she walked into. Or more like whom she walked into.

It was Justin Gorged. THE Justin Gorged. One of Rutgers’ most famous celebrities and member of the biggest, most popular newspaper of all time: The Medium. The rumored hunky, girthy, and veiny Justin Gorged. And boy was he gorgeous.

Opal was rendered speechless by Mr. Gorged's beauty. She stared and blushed with her mouth gaped open. Wow, I heard he was handsome, but I never thought that he would be absolutely drop-dead gorgeous handsome, Opal thought. I’d definitely let him do things to me.

“Excuse you,” came out a silky smooth and deep voice from the most voluptuous lips, wet with previously licked saliva and still slightly bruised from when he was probably biting his lip while leaning against a doorway. Well, at least that’s what Opal was fantasizing about in her mind until she registered what those plump lips actually said.

“Huh?” Opal said, still somewhat dazed.

“You bumped into me, shouldn’t you apologize?” Mr. Gorged said, looking down at her from his staggering height of 6’8." Opal said nothing in return. “I’m waiting,” he said to her while tapping his probably perfectly pedicured foot.

“Um, first of all, attitude much? And second of all, you could have easily moved out of the way and not bumped into me,” she snapped back. “Dickhead,” Opal added under her breath.

“What was that?” Mr. Gorged asked while leaning his ear so close to her that Opal could see his hair move from her breath. “N-n-nothing,” Opal stammered out. She had to step back from him if she was not going to completely embarrass herself in front of this jerk, even if he was the most beautiful being she has ever seen. God, she hated how much of an impact he had on her. She sighed. “Look, let’s just agree that both of us are at fault–I wasn’t looking where I was going and you were being a pompous stuck up snob. Sounds fair to me.”

He laughed an obnoxiously sexy laugh. Sounds something like “honhonhonhon." “A snob? There’s no way you just called me that,” he said while smiling at her.

“What? Never been called a snob before?” He shook his head. Jesus fuck, of course he hasn't. He’s too beautiful to say anything but praises to. I would have if he didn’t just piss me off. “Well, it’s about damn time someone did. And of course it has to be me because everything has to be my responsibility,” Opal snapped.

“Why are you being such a bitch?” Mr. Gorged said with a sneer.

Oh no, you did not just call me a bitch! “You know what? I was going to be nice, but you’re really not worth it. On top of being a snob, you’re inconsiderate and a total prick. What self-respecting man calls women bitches? No wonder you don’t have any friends if this is the way you’re acting.” Mr. Gorged tried to interject, but Opal was having none of that. “Oh so now you’re going to cut off a woman just because she’s speaking her mind? Fuck you. Fuck you and your perfect flowy hair, your rockhard 16-pack of abs, and your blinding smile. I can’t stand you. In fact, I don’t want to be in the same room as you ever again,” Opal huffed as she stormed out of the room, purposely hitting him with her shoulder on the way out. “Let’s hope I never see that asshole again,” she said to herself as she got on the B bus.

Now dear readers. I hope you enjoyed chapter one of this journey. Stay tuned for next week and the rest of this semester for the best enemies to lovers fic you have ever read about two members of The Medium.

made one

the

What are you going to do about it, bitch? What? Do you think you could do better?

motherfucker?

it, then.

STATE LOSS GIVES STUDENTS FAMILIAR FEELING

how could this happen?

BY RED EYED SIR HENRY

On Saturday, Ohio State defeated Rutgers in a sad college football game with a final score of 49-10. This crushing defeat demonstrates the familiar story of a typical Rutgers football season.

For veteran students, this is just the normal rinse and repeat of every football season. For first-year students, this may seem like quite the shock because Rutgers football was on a roll; the team ended the Ohio State game with a 3-0 record;

THE GREATEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE!

BY PHILLY CHEESE

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it is the fourth week of foot ball season, and it has been interesting. There have been some winners (The Miami Dolphins are currently 3-1, and The Kanas City Chiefs are also 3-1). There have been some losers (the Las Vegas Raiders have only won one game, and the Houston Texans have not won a single game).

Usually, there is a number of teams that have the same record this far in the season, but dear friends, there is one team above all the rest. That team, dear readers, is, of course, The Greatest Team In the League: The Philadel phia Eagles.

If you are not aware, because you follow and root for low er teams such as The New York Giants or The New York Jets. The Eagles have not lost a single game while defeat ing The Detroit Lions, The Minnesota Vikings, The Wash ington Commanders, and The Jacksonville Jaguars.

At the moment, The Eagles are just lording over their di vision, The NFC East, with their incredible record, but they are also the king of the entire league with their unde feated excellence.

Now is it too early in the season to gloat for one’s home team? Maybe, but this criticism is said by the loser fans of all the other NFL teams who only wish their sorry excuse for a professional football team was as good as the heroic Philadephia Eagles.

Well, take it from me, a cynical senior; this is how it happens every year. Every year, they win when the football faces teams you have never heard of and who are not in the Big 10 conference. But the second that Rutgers plays a Big 10 team that is actually heard of, they get absolutely destroyed. It happened this season; Rutgers started out this season with a win against Boston College, 22-21. This is a great start, such as how the 2021 football season opened with a 64-14 win against Temple. The second game of the current season was a very impressive win of 66-7 against Wagner. This would be quite a feat if one is unaware that Wagner currently has a 0-4 season. Wagner football is keeping with the standard that was set when the team went 0-11 during the 2021 season. Rutger's third win of the season was against temple

with a score of 16-14. Temple has a significant similarity with Wagner in that Temple has not won a single game this season, but Temple is somehow still worst than Wagner because Temple has lost 5 games this season compared to Wagner's 4 games lost.

The fourth game of last season was also the first lost to Rutgers, but last year the football team lost to Michigan, but don’t worry, new students, Rutgers football would lose to Ohio State in the fifth week of the season.

Now what to expect for the rest of the season? Well, we face Nebraska, Indiana, Minnesota, Michigan, Michigan State, Penn State, And Maryland so expect 7 more weeks of pain. But we will just tell ourselves thatwe have a better basketball team to make us feel better.

Ohio State vs. Rutgers: By the Numbers

39

the amount that Ohio State beat Rutgers last Friday

9

times that Ohio State has beaten Rutgers atfootball since 2014

5 times that Ohio State beat Rutgers at theirhome field

9

times that Rutgers played Ohio State in Football since 2014

0

times has Rutgers beatOhio State in football since 2014 4 times that Rutgers lostto Ohio State on our home field

OHIO STATE GAVE RUTGERS ITS FIRST LOSS OF THE SEASON; IT WILL BE THE FIRST LOSS OF MANY THIS SEASON.