The Medium 10/12/22

FAMOUS MANGA AUTHOR EIICHIRO ODA WEIGHS IN ON THE MIDDLE EAST

BY DAN D. FLASH VACATIONING IN JERUSALEM

The Israeli embassy in Japan has been scrambling to get their bearings after Eiichiro Oda, one of Japan’s most famous contemporary authors and creator of the manga “One Piece”, released his controversial thoughts regarding the Israeli - Palestinian Conflict. Japan has openly supported a two state solution between Israel and Palestine for over a decade. Indeed, much of the world supports a twostate solution. This is why it came as such a shock when Oda publicly declared, “The One Piece! The One Piece Israel!”

The comments have sent ripples through the global political sphere. As the most prolific author in history, Oda’s words have enormous reach. His stories have previously spoken about the importance of being yourself, supporting those who

care about you, and fighting for what’s right. Using his platform for any kind of political statement is unprecedented. Perhaps, however, they are not unexpected.

“Oda’s support for Israel has been there from the start, you just weren’t smart enough to see it,” claimed former Prime Minister of Israel and known weeb Benjamin Netanyahu while pushing up his

glasses by the bridge. “Think about it. Zoro carries 3 equally sized swords, which can be arranged to form an equilateral triangle. Thanks to Jinbe joining the crew in issue 976, there are 10 members of the Straw Hat crew, which is a multiple of two. Because of that, we can multiply this triangle by two. The symbol of Israel is a 6 pointed

THE MEDIUM NO LONGER BREAKING STUDENT ORGANIZATION GENERAL GUIDELINES

BY IDONTKNOW STUCK IN AN LX FOR ETERNITY

The Medium staff recently fixed a major error in the publication that risked the cancellation of the paper. Committed by an unpaid intern who was only hired because they were “yummy to look at” the false notice on the bottom of the second page, claiming that the publication is “a satirical publication and should never be taken seriously”, was finally removed.

Since the Student Organization General Guidelines states that a student organization is not permitted to be “Engaging in false or deceptive promotions or advertising concerning a group or its activities. This includes both direct deception (e.g., claiming that

a group is something that it is not), and deception by omission (e.g., failing to disclose that a campus religious group is affiliated with a particular religious organization).”

The Medium’s prior claim to be a satirical publication would have been “direct deception” and punishable by being confined to an

Wait, Columbus Day Still Fucking Exists?

LX bus for 30 days, as is customary for any similar infraction at Rutgers. Since all issues of The Medium this year have had the erroneous message each Medium staff would have had at least ten lashings per person.

Head staff writer Opal

Continued on Page 2 Continued on Page 2

Kanye Uses Twitter, Surprises Absolutely No One

Next Week: The Medium To Interview Lil Nas X

How Did Lil Yachty Take the Wock to Poland? Rutgers Uses Loophole To Let Dog Play On Football Team, Still Loses

The Medium Complains About Buses, Surprises Absolutely No One

Remains of Woman Who Blew Up On Busch Last Year Vanish From Morgue

Student Takes First In-Person Exam In Two Years, Combusts On Spot

star made up of two overlapping triangles. It’s just that simple!”

Others believe Oda had used much more obvious symbology. User xXD0flam1n6oXx wrote on a My Anime List forum that “Punk Hazard is made up of two entirely inhospitable islands because Oda knows a two state solution will never work. He was trying to tell us all the way back in episode 579.”

Not everyone is jumping to conclusions. Gilad Cohen, the Israeli ambassador to Japan and a moderator of the OnePiece_r34 subreddit, told The Medium “I hope people will be a little more patient. I doubt Oda would

undermine years of diplomacy like that."

A member of Oda’s staff announced at press time that the Author will be clarifying his remarks soon. If it’s anything like Joy Boy, it’ll be a breezy 10 years, 9 months, and 8 days until he mentions it again.

FUCK, WE HAD GUIDELINES...

Sapphire told reporters that “once the issue was discovered every single writer of the Medium ran to the local jail and tried to be put behind bars. We practically begged the cops to charge us with a crime." Luckily Opal Sapphire pointed out to the rest of us that we could simply remove the false statement and no longer be subject to the lashings. However, it is still not clear if The Medium could face disciplinary actions for infractions committed in the past and Rutgers administration has not yet posted its weekly list of “people who need some good lashings” as of the time of publication.

It is worth noting that the US Court of Appeals for the

WHY CAN'T WE JUST PART THE RARITAN RIVER AGAIN?

RICHARDS WEEKS HALL OF ENGINEERING CONVERTED TO ARK AMIDST FEARS OF FLOODING

BY: A PAIR OF DOVES CURRENT PROCREATING

At a board meeting, the campus director of Busch, John Newhouse, announced plans to convert Richard Weeks Hall of Engineering into an Ark. Due to the recent increased rainfall, worries have mounted of Busch Campus flooding. Newhouse claimed this would not be an ideal learning environment for Rutgers students. During

the meeting, members from multiple departments debated over their response to the possibility of flooding. Richard Weeks Hall was nominated to be converted into an ark because it could accommodate 2 students from every major, plus 7 from every STEM major.

With water levels rising, construction on the arc has begun in haste. President

Holloway announced that undergraduate students will be required to take part in aspects of the Ark’s construction as part of their core requirements. RBS students, assisted by Civil Engineering, will excavate the building from its foundations. Mechanical Engineering students will retrofit the building with an engine for propulsion. Students from the agricultural and food sciences will be required to gather supplies for the voyage. Only marine biology majors will be excluded from the program, as it is assumed they know how to swim. Students that refuse to work on the Ark risk being left behind, as well as not being able to graduate on time.

The Richards Ark of Higher Education’s goal is to make sure enough students from each program survive the flood to keep Rutgers an R1 research university. Newhouse has already begun to search for two of every English major,

6th Circuit claimed that it is reasonable to believe that a satirical publication might not be constitutionally protected speech if it actively denies that it is a satirical publication.

Although The Medium is not, and has never been and never will be, a satirical publication, the close encounter the paper experienced in claiming to be a satirical publication and the 6th Circuit flawless reasoning is forcing the writing staff to ask difficult questions about what can and what cannot be published in the paper.

and of every kind of major that rides the EE bus to board the boat. Competition within these majors is fierce, and will be decided based on a lottery system. All upperclassmen will be entered in the system, with seniors and juniors receiving priority entry. There are fears among transfer students that they will not be able to make it onto the ship in time, which were ignored. Commuter students, meanwhile, don’t seem worried as they can just stay at home.

When questioned about the ethics of this drastic choice, Newhouse explained, “As an institution, we pride ourselves on making sure our graduates are ready for careers in the real world, water world or otherwise.” This statement came in spite of the plans only beginning after the storm had passed.

LOOKING FOR FELLOW ONE PIECE FANS? COME TO OUR MEETINGS!

THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM

WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC ROOM 109

Correspondents Who The Fuck Knows

THEY'RE SO SMART,

Top 10 Professions That Give The Best Head

By: Michael C. Hawke

1. Auctioneers: If they can rattle off all types ofdrivel at the speed of light, their tongue gamemust be immaculate.

2. Deep Sea Divers: What they lack in technique, they make up for in endurance.

3. Ice Cream Taste Testers: Yes, they exist, andyes, their tongue game is also on point. Justimagine the results you’d get after licking theback of a spoon for eight hours a day, fivetimes a week. Suffice it to say, their partnersmust be pretty satisfied.

4. Sword Swallowers: If they can choke downa sword with virtually no visible issues (forreference, the longest sword swallowed onrecord was 22 inches in length), then I thinkit’s safe to say they can swallow up my sixerwith no issues. (Are any gay sword swallowersreading this by any chance? If so, shoot us anemail; we’d be happy to talk.)

5. Rutgers Head Football Coach: They don'tget paid millions to get any winning done, butrather any sucking done. Hence, it stands toreason their head game is unworldly.

6. Plumbers: It is one of the few professionsthat demand experience with pipes. Hence,it stands to reason that if a plumber canefficiently work with pipes, one should beable to work my pipe with incredible skill.(Any plumbers reading this, send us an email.Please.)

7. Professional Hot Dog Eaters: It’s a shameJoey Chestnut is straight because his headgame must be unworldly. To just stuff all thosehot dogs in one sitting… I’d certainly stuff myhot dog down his throat if possible, that’s allI’m saying.

8. Sailors: To spend months isolated at seawith a bunch of sweaty, muscular, hard-working seamen who are constantly dirty, allwhile being sexually pent-up… I think it’s notmuch of a stretch to suggest that they’d havePLENTY of opportunities for practice.

9. Voice Actors/Actresses: It is a known fact that many voice actors often get their start inthe industry through voicing pornographicwork. Combined with ...

10. The Most Obvious And Logical One… SexWorkers: The oldest (or second, dependingon who you ask) profession in human history,the people in this trade have had millenniato carefully cultivate the craft of sucking cock and chowing down on muff.

Je Suis Francais

Par: Femme non Française

Honhonhon, trésorier de The Medium. Je sais que vous ne pouvez pas lire ceci, c'est pourquoi j'écris ceci. Je voudrais juste dire que c'est tellement naze de ne pas pouvoir parler français. Imaginez ne pas parler, comprendre, lire ou écrire le langage de l'amour. Comment transmettrez-vous votre affection à Jonathan Holloway sans français ? ? Haha, tu es vraiment nul. Voici une liste de mes mots français préférés, mais vous ne le sauriez jamais parce que vous ne parlez pas français.

Honhonhon

Merde

Rutgworls

Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious

Banane

Le Minion

Monsieur Henry

Salle à manger livingston

La gorge

Le bois

STREAM RUTGURLS TRACK 1

WANT TO LEARN HOW TO SPEAK FRENCH? COME TO LSC ROOM 109 ON WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM. WE WILL BE TALKING ABOUT OUR TREASURER BEHIND HIS BACK BECAUSE HE DOES NOT SPEAK FRENCH. HONHONHON

Thoughts on the upcoming Super Mario movie?

WE LIKE IT BUSHY!!!!

In Defense of Pubic Hair, And Why it is Beautiful

BY A BUSCH RESIDENT

"It's Amit, Mario" Amit Ofek

The treasurer of The Medium, new voice of Mario in the Super Mario movie

RBS NEEDS TO CUT OUT THE BS

Rutgers Business School Needs to Add a New Core Requirement

BY RAT BOY

Nearing the end of my meeting, my interviewer expressed enthusiastic interest until… “One more thing. I accidentally stepped in some mud today,” — while presenting the bottom of his muck-stained boot. I strained a smile as I put the surface of my tongue upon the grimy heel and forcefully dragged my head up. I pressed with the might of Hercules while making out with this boot, tonguing out the dirt and 5-year-old gum in between the ridges. But still, my interviewer showed familiar disappointment. “I’m sorry. You were a great fit, but there’s still quite a bit of dookie left.”

As a business student, my peers and I have all lost many opportunities this way. We continue to learn “skills” like networking, whilst RBS still lacks a Bootlicking 101 class in the curriculum. Talking to students in the industry, they all repeat the same thing: That bootlicking is a must-have. A new grad at Goldman detailed his interview to me: “I was blindfolded, but…There must’ve been 10 of them. They all came in one by one, surrounding me in a circle, and I already knew what I was supposed to do. If I didn’t grind bootlicking during winter break, I wouldn’t be making six figures right now.” It’s especially frustrating for sigmas like myself that willingly practice abstinence or my fellow alphas that refuse to give head because our tongue game is weak as fuck.

If Rutgers educated bootlicking, I might not be getting rejected so much. Maybe I would've been able to achieve my dream: Being a personal doormat and boot succubus for Warren Buffet.

I was chatting with my brother recently, and he complained to me about how his lady had a lot of hair in her nether region. This discussion brought to my attention the fact that many people either don’t care for hair down there or outright despise it. Ergo, I think it is my duty to at least try and persuade the lovely readers of this paper why pubic hair is God’s gift to the universe. It is genuinely, at least in my humble opinion, underappreciated, and needs to be loved more than it currently is.

In my defense, it adds an incredibly pleasing aesthetic to your sexual partner’s equipment. For instance, if I’m about to go down on a guy who has his junk wholly shaved, I’m not going to want to suck on it because it’ll remind me too much of the Alaskan Bull Worm from Spongebob. If, however, he just has his pants on, and I happen to see a lovely treasure trove and/or the slightest hint of the bush, I’ll immediately begin thinking about what his dick will look like, the length, the girth, etc. In a way, it’s almost like an appetizer.

Now, to those of you who are saying that “Oh, it’ll just get caught in your mouth”, or “It’ll scratch the shit out of your face”, my answer is that you need to stop being a little bitch. When it comes to most things in life, you cannot do anything without a little suffering. So yes, I will admit, that tends to be a pain in the ass, but when you see the Amazon rainforest around your partner’s love sausage or beaver, the whole… look… tends to override how annoyed you may become if you happen to catch a stray hair as a snack.

FINGER TWIDDLING NERVOUSLY

Hey OPEC, Can You Pwoduce Some Mow Oil?

BY JOE BIDEN

We hold these truths to be self-evident. All men and women are created, by the, you know, you know the thing. And the thing is very clear. And to the leaders of OPEC, I grant you this chilling message. Can you pwease pwoduce some oil.

I got this big midterm election coming up. You know, this thing where people choose their representatives. Alright, so a representative is a person that represents the interests of people. Anyway, I have one of those coming up and I’m not doing well. Between 30 House districts potentially flipping Republican (Wow, I didn’t know you guys were so friendly with them) and our best chance at Pennsylvania coming from a guy that chased a black person with a shotgun.

Since you guys started to cut back on oil production, I’m not doing so hot. I’ve dipped into our strategic oil reserve, and we do be tapped out. Also, because I ran on doing a bunch of environmentally conscious things, I can’t make the US produce more oil. Now, when I go to a 7/11 gas station, I have to speak in an indian accent* just to pay $4.00 for the regular shit. I’m the goddamn Senator of the United States I think; why should I have to get the commoner’s gas.

But hey, you guys bailed me out before. Pwease give me some oil. All I’m asking is for you just to give me enough gas to get me through the midterms. C’mon man, you know I’m good for it. If you guys don’t, then I might have to put some Truindenashendubbabapresser on you guys.

"Tyranny

wise people" - Sam Adams

"Maybe I shouldn't have dropped that penguin off a cliff in Mario 64" Joe Oldshool

Back in my day, we actually had good Mario games

"The Mario movie can only lead to one thing: The Olympics" Sonic the Hedgehog Why is Sonic at Rutgers today?!

Jokes

Why am I reading this in English and not a better language like ancient Aramiac?

(Unfortunately, the program we use to put the paper together doesn’t really let us.

As much as I would love to answer questions in Linear A for all my ancient Minoan readers out there, doing so would require me to import my answers as a pdf rather than typing them in, which destroys the template.)

Can you ask your mom if we can have a playdate at my house?

(No <3)

What are your top 3 favorite ways to write articles for Personals that should probably be on another page?

(What a great question. It's all basically just stuff that should be on Opinions. A few weeks back my coverage of that week’s Bake Off was snubbed by the person editing in my stead that week, so here is verbatim my coverage of week two of bake off. Spoilers for Week Two of Bake Off. Two handshakes this week! TWO! And they came in the first round. Thats...)

Jokes

Where does all of my tuition money go?

(Doordash, Crunchyroll, large signs that say the name of the place you are in an unconventional way, a large clock, a football team without a quarterback, shuttles to replace full bus es…)

When is the right time to propose?

(Why don’t ya ask yer motha?

(she has been happily married for over 30 years, I’m sure her advice would be valuable))

Why is the Personals Editor so sexy and good at his job?

(He doesn’t ride a scooter.)

New Mexico has been a state for 110 years. Got any ideas for freshening up that tired old name?

(New Mexico U Deluxe.)

What major has the most sex?

(I want to say Gender Studies; they definitely know what sex is, but it can't be them because then it'd be a gender experiment. Engineering is full of tons of horny people, but they don't have the social skills.

Journalism majors may be having sex; we'll update you as more comes in! I guess it's probably Business students. Fuck them!)

Sitcom

2. Yes!

No Jokes Subliminal Messaging

What is parody?

(Protected speech. At least it should be. In the decision of Hustler vs Falwell in 1988, the court decided that a parody, which no reasonable person expected to be true, was protected free speech. However, the appeals court decision from May defends the ability of government bodies to misinterpret parody and satire, and act on this misinterpretation, without repercussion. The right to freedom of speech guarantees that the government will not infringe upon an individual's ability to express themselves without fear of retaliation from a governing body. While this right does have limits (it does not cover hate speech or speech with the intention of inciting violence, for example), as we can see in the Supreme Court ruling above, the court has upheld the protection of parody as protected speech in the past. The decision of this appeals court, if upheld by the Supreme Court next year, would be in direct contradiction to both our rights and to their own previous rulings. Parody should not have to state its intent out of fear of retaliation. To close an abnormally serious response, I would like to pull an excerpt from The Onion’s amicus brief from this past week:

‘The court’s decision suggests that parodists are in the clear only if they pop the balloon in advance by warning their audience that their parody is not true. But some forms of comedy don’t work unless the comedian is able to tell the joke with a straight face.’)

Sorry about the lack of jokes in this column, Thankfully you have two others to enjoy.

Word of the Week: n.

1. Why do they call it a sitcom when you situational the old jokes of out comedy reuse the jokes?

Look forward to The Rutgurls' newest album!

The Congressman

Phillies in the Playoffs Watch Sports for the freakout if they are eliminated “Shock Humor” Deemed Less Shocking than Eve

By: Iris N.

“Please, Frank.” you breathe, with a certain urgency that manages to catch you off guard, and the downward pressure pinning your arms to the folded backseat intensifies.

“In here, that’s not my name,” he says.

“Congressman…” you mutter, and his stormy gaze breaks into a satisfied smile. “Better.”

“Please Congressman.”

“Please, what, Y/N? You have to tell me what you want,” Frank says, his voice an amused drawl. The black 2006 Chevy Impala falls silent for a moment that is somewhere between incredibly brief and utterly eternal, the intensity of his wordless stare stretching out into something electric, something deeply desperate.

“I… I want to vote,” you finally admit.

“I can’t hear you, Y/N,” he smirks, and you can barely hear a low whimper that you belatedly register as your own. Your blush deepens, and you fix your hesitant gaze to the solid, corded muscle of Frank’s forearms, the sleeves of his white button down rolled up to his elbows. When did his suit jacket come off? You think, dimly, the rest of your consciousness fully consumed by the sight above you.

“You seem distracted, Y/N,” Pallone drawls, his thumb gently tracing your wrist, a sharp contrast from the rigid, forceful strength of his arm, pressing you down against the backseat. “I need you to look at me.”

It’s somehow all your attention needs to snap itself back to the brash allure of his chiseled face, and you can make out the dark outline of your own, yielding form in his piercing, pale blue eyes. Something in his stare has darkened, anointing his gaze with a gravity that pulls the next words from your mouth like dandelion fluff in stormy, April winds.

“I want to vote,” you say again, louder.

“Louder,” Frank demands, and deep inside you, a dam you hadn’t noticed breaks.

“Please Congressman,” you beg. “I need to vote so fucking bad!”

“You know you have to earn it, right, Y/N?”

“I’ll do it! I’ll do anything! I’ll show up at my local polling place with identification! I’ll register for a mail-in ballot! I just want to vote!” You’re rambling now, a desperate stream of

“And who are you going to vote for, Y/N?”

“You! I’m going to vote for y–”

“No, Y/N. You can vote for anyone you’d like. The important thing is that you’ve registered to vote at all. Every ballot is a brick in the sturdy, protective wall that is our great nation; who you ultimately choose is both immaterial and deeply, fundamentally important.”

by Hey McFly

The days are darkening earlier. It gets colder as the leaves evolve into yellow and orange and papery brown—a slow forest fire that shocks none but leaves us disturbed and frigid without fail. The hamster wheel changes its speed, yet stays stationery all the same. I type this on a damp bench made of rusted metal with tears running down my face. Screaming has tired me out, and I feel nothing but the exhaustion I see in Mother Nature’s currently omnipresent face.

One of my best friends since childhood has lost everything. Sure, he has his house. His job, his car, his looks. But the greatest changes do not come from within. They are fueled by the external world, and my dearest Johnathan Johnson could not adapt in any way that truly matters.

Someone at the bar looked at him in the eyes, and said: “You’re not funny.”

He did not leave bed for 8 days. After this week of repose, he told me about the terrifying comment in our local café, gripping his measly cup of black coffee with anxiety and sadness. My jaw hit the floor, for I had never met anybody funnier than this man. Since we were young, he would shout “PENIS,” in any crowded place. His bravery added texture to his humor, and gasps from the classroom soon evolved into hysterical laughter. On every date with a new girl, he would consistently say at least one joke about ass being better than tits within the first hour. This showed the women they were not only with a likable man, but an original, hilarious one. His marriage to Cathy is evidence of his humor’s success, for she was only the nineteenth girl he took on a date! It worked, I tell you!

My hands are shaking, clamped around this pen. If John were here with me, he would make a handjob joke and it would land harder than a plane, goddamnit. He’s never failed to make me laugh to tears. When we took AP Government in high school together, I fondly remember him sending me to the floor with cackling after making three racial jokes, two abortion jokes, and a comment about AOC within an hour. Just because nobody else in the room found it entertaining does not mean he “isn’t funny.” John understands nuance, timing, and his audience. Seeing him in pain will never fail to trigger a horrible empathy.

FUCK ME” SIR HENRY SAYS, CAUGHT HAVING ORGY WITH OTHER MASCOTS

Spider-Man, a random girl, and the infamous Sir Henry of Rutgers. It was all business as usual: posing for the cameras and posting on their social media pages for all the fans to see. However the second the cameras turned away, they all got down and dirty.

the Ram on what went down, they just stated, “Spiderman knows how to work those webs… HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICKY!”.

By: Bucky Beaver watching through the window

October 5, 2022. It was Ricky the Red Hawk’s birthday. He invited all his

friends over, including his little sister Roxy, Rammy the Ram, Boomer the Thunderbird, a Bear that refuses to disclose their name, Tony the Tiger,

He’s Not Coming: Ramblings of a Mets Fan

By Micycle Sneaker

Ladies and gentlemen: last night, on October the 9th, 2022, at approximately 10:45 PM Eastern Standard Time, The New York Metropolitans' postseason bid was pronounced dead.

"You never know, but you gotta believe." This is a rallying cry that only broken people could get behind. Being a Mets fan is like waiting year after year for your dad to finally call you on your birthday. The only thing that changes as time inexorably marches on is whether you are sad and father less because he is dead (blowing our entire salary cap on a diamond tier bullpen that just ends up getting injured), or because he's a deadbeat (gestures vaguely at former owner Fred Wilpon). This year he finally called us! On track for a 110 win season, we saw the caller ID and answered with a hopeful, trembling voice: "Papa?" He was drunk. It was a misdial. We fucked it at the last minute and ended up a 101 win wildcard dropout.

We gaze upon the NLCS to see the following: The Phillies, who we hate; The Braves, who we also hate; The Padres, who just destroyed our hopes and dreams; and The Dodg ers. Fuck the Dodgers. The only hope I have is that we can be used as a blood sacrifice for The Mariners.

I am a dumb bitch, and I will continue to love The Mets.

We all knew that Sir Henry had a thing for Tony the Tiger (then again, who in their right mind would refuse that tigussy) but goddamn, things were so steamy under the bleachers that the students believed Montclair gave them heated bleachers for once. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw them all covered in sweat emerging from the locker room together.

No one but those involved know what went down, but I managed to catch a few mascots on the way out. When questioning Rammy

When I went up to Sir Henry, he looked exhausted. He must have been busy with that extra-long sword. “I did it,” he panted, “I chopped it.” He walked away before I could ask him any more questions, but I did notice his helmet was a bit loose and he had multiple bite marks on his neck.

However, an anonymous Twitter user under the name of “Nittany Lion” wrote to me saying Sir Henry was messaging others claiming to be “pimped out no loans refused cum dump." I do not want to figure out what that means but I’m sure he and the other mascots had a consensual workplace relationship and the universities represented are their top priority.

Nebraska’s One-Point Win Over Rutgers: By The Numbers

3

Beers that the Sports Edi tor drank at the game

86

Fucks that the Sports Editor yelled at Nebraska

2

Nebraska players'mothers that the SportsEditor insulted

5

Security guards neededto remove the SportsEditor from the SHI Stadium

Crushed beer cans that the Sports Editor threwonto the field

Years that the SportsEditor is now banned from SHI Stadium

THE X-RATED EVENT THAT SIR HENRY DID WITH OTHER MASCOTS