The Medium 11/09/22

BY LEXA PREAUX STOCKING UP ON PLAN B

Former surgeon and television personality Mehmet Oz (known professionally as Dr. Oz) announced in November 2021 that he would be running in the Pennsylvanian Senate election. Since then, Oz has been sparking conversation with increasingly controversial claims. The famed pseudoscientist stated his stance on abortion access during a recent debate with John Fetterman: “[Abortion] should be between a woman, her doctor, and local political leaders.” This rollercoaster of a statement, however, did not end with the idea that political leaders should stake claim on the uteruses of complete, independent strangers.

Oz went on to say that the extremely personal and delicate decision to have an abortion should also be swayed by “your creepy,

reclusive neighbor who basks in his Adirondack chair in the middle of his front yard, shirtless, in the dead of winter. You know which one I’m talking about, the definite hoarder who collects garden gnomes and rusty miniature pinwheels, the guy who has an egg hunt with his extended family of thousands of nieces and nephews dressed in white patten leather

church shoes for every year, which makes you think ‘why do they go to his place for Easter?'” Oz began sweating excessively throughout this statement, his pupils widening and hands shaking. Eventually he trailed off, mumbling what can only be described as “feral murmurs.” Fetterman stated after the debate “I think he might be the neighbor.”

Continued on Page 2

MUSK IMPERSONATOR BANS ELON MUSK FROM BANNING IMPERSONATIONS

BY ELON MUSK POSSIBLY AN IMPERSONATOR

With Elon Musk’s recent acquisition of the major social media company Twitter, there’s been much controversy in regards to a number of policies and other actions that have taken place almost immediately under his ownership, particularly the proposition to make Twitter’s ‘blue check marks’ only available to those who pay a $20 (or $8 if you’re Stephen King) fee. In response to this unwarranted and unpopular decision, several Twitter users, such as Kathy Griffin and Ethan Klein, have already taken action to mock the Silicon Valley CEO by setting their display names as ‘@Elon Musk’.

Shortly after, many of those mocking Twitter’s new owner have

had their accounts consequentially suspended, with Elon Musk later announcing on November 6th “Going forward, any Twitter handles engaging in impersonation without clearly specifying 'parody' will be permanently suspended.” Naturally, many have viewed his statement as hypocritical to

much of what the tech magnate has previously said in regards to his vision of Twitter upon his ownership, in that he would pursue in essentially making Twitter a ‘platform of free speech’, and would likely consider lifting Twitter’s ban of former US President Donald

Man Fucked More Times By NJ Transit Than He's Actually Fucked

There's Now A Gas Leak In The Production Room

It Hurts. It Hurts So Fucking Much.

NOT THE WIZARD OF OZ, DON'T CONFUSE THEM INSERT DR. OZ JOKE HERE

After the pool of sweat at Oz’s feet was mopped up by a GOP intern, the debate continued as normal, with no one daring to acknowledge the odd rant. The aftermath is what had drawn most eyes to Oz, as he was photographed leaving a Home Depot not two hours after the controversial statement, wheeling two shopping carts full of yard decorations, complete with a large pearlescent orb, an artificial palm tree, and a large stone sundial. Planned Parenthood was questioned as to how they planned on protecting the healthcare access of Pennsylvanians and addressing Oz’s statement, although representatives seemed

BOO, BITCH!

reluctant to touch on the matter. One employee stated that they “expected [Oz] to say some outlandish things, but this seems like some sort of manic episode. We sent him information on our mental health resources but he just bared his teeth and hissed at the mail carrier before he scurried away.” We hope Dr Oz gets the support he needs.

Trump.

In an unexpected turn, however, an announcement was made from Elon Musk later that day in response to his prior statement, saying, “Going forward, any CEOs of Twitter vowing to permanently suspend those engaging in impersonation will be permanently suspended. In addition to this, any actions of this type made within the past three days will count towards permanent suspension as well. Ergo, I will be permanently suspended going forward.”

After further investigation, it was later discovered that the following announcement was made not by the real Elon Musk,

but a literal imposter of Elon Musk, who had managed to gain access to the account.

As a result of this sudden situation, many are now wondering whether Elon Musk is actually the real Elon Musk at all. When we questioned Elon Musk (?) about the matter a day after these events took place, he reported that once the issue was settled, he would personally ensure that the situation wouldn’t ever possibly take place again, stating he’d go as far as to “tattoo a blue checkmark right on my left ass cheek.”

GHOSTREADERS OUTED!

BY: BARN ANIMAL SCARED SHITLESS

In this economy, side hustles and various jobs are all the rage for young people. However, the newest trendy job has taken the world by storm, and it isn’t anything like driving for Lyft or being a Doordasher. No–Ghostreaders are here to say, and the market for their services is impressive.

An anonymous class of

‘23 Rutgers SAS student works as a ghostreader on weekends, to make some extra money before grad school next year. “So think of ghostwriters,” he explains, “People that are paid to write for others. I do the same thing, except it’s reading. Many well-read people are just faking it. Ghostreaders are paid a salary to read for them and just tell them about the entire

book afterwards. Sparknotes exists, but that’s just reading too!”

Recently, “Glee” actress Lea Michele became the subject of many tweets, jokes, and conspiracy theories when the rumor of her illiteracy blew up online. It is shocking to see the possibility of a grown celebrity being completely unable to read, but the internet works harder than the Devil, and soon she was posting videos of herself reading books to debunk these claims in a lighthearted way. However, an anonymous source has told the New York Times the truth: she has been Michele’s ghostreader for the past 17 years.

“Everything, from cooking recipes, to comment sections, to stop signs on the road,” she confessed in a written statement. “I would be with her 24/7. The pay was wonderful, but the day she told me she wanted to ‘re-read’ all of Paradise Lost and then handed

me an edition of the huge, old book, I snapped. I resigned.”

Professors, English students, and various BookTokers have been outed as frauds throughout the nation. Hired ghostreaders are fed up with the inhumane work. It is not only straining their eyesight, but insulting literature as an art form.

INSERT ELON MUSK JOKE HERE...continued from front

DIS DICK IF YOU LIKE BLUE, YOU HAVE BLUE BALLS

Based On These Questions, We Can Guess Your Favorite Color...

By: Hank Verde

The accuracy will shock you!

1. On Friday night, you’re most likely to be: A. Reading B. Hangin’ with the boys C. Working late with Barry

2. Your ideal vacation spot is: A. A cabin in the Poconos B. Vegas, baby! C. Barry’s unkempt Wildwood beach house

Rating The Things That The Drunk GuysBehind Me At The Football Game Said

By:

Tyrannosaurus Sex

The first Rutgers football game of the season that I went to did not disappoint me. Did we lose? Horren dously. But do I actually care about football? No! I’m here for a fun time, not a long time, and let me just tell you: the commentary at this game was something else. So let’s get into it, shall we?

1. “Grab my cock! Suck it and twist it!” - Wow, so we’re switching it up from a little vanilla action to a whole set of masochism. -7.7/10

2. “F slur.” - I’m gonna be honest, I feared for my life after this comment. Please do not say the f slur or any slur. Thank you. -1000000000/10

3. “Shoutout to Logan Paul!” - Now I did not hear this firsthand, but a friend of mine did and I do not doubt that these guys would make this comment. They seem like they would be a part of the Lo-gang and wake up every morning with a round of “It’s Ev eryday Bro." I myself am not a huge fan of the Paul brothers, so I give it a Youtube Rewind 2018/10

4. “Pussies.” - I love pussy as much as the next girl, but when a man uses it as a derogatory term, that’s when we are gonna have a problem. Singing it in a song such as “My Pussy’s Got WIFI” by BFF = amaz ing, I stan. But using it to hurt someone’s feelings = I think you are stupid because a woman’s pussy is stronger than you will ever be. 0/10

5. “Penis. PEnis. PEENNIS! PEEEEENNNN NIIIIISSSSSS!” - Yes, you read correctly, a bunch of college-aged adults thought that playing the penis game was a good way to end the night. I do not care about the word penis. 3/10

6. “That was the coolest thing ever, I love this school!” -If I happened to look behind me, I’m sure I would have seen tears streaming down his face. However I did not because this was said when the drones came out. Here is a thought: replace the foot ball team with the drones, they were so much more entertaining than the game. I vibed with the drones, so this gets an American flag/10.

7. “Dude he’s so sick, it’s like he’s from Australia or something!”- I do not know what this means or what he was referring to. Confused Math Lady Meme/10.

3. What is your favorite season? A. Winter, brrr! B. Autumn, gobble gobble! C. Summer, so you can go fuck Barry in Wildwood when you say you’re on “business trips”

4. Are you more artistic, or more athletic? A. A true artist B. Whatever, as long as you’re hangin’ with the boys C. Pretty athletic since you’ve been playing all that tonsil hockey with Barry

5. In a word, marriage means this to you: A. Love B. Devotion C. Nothing.

Scoring and Results:

Mostly As- Your favorite color is BLUE – you keep to yourself, and most importantly, you keep it cool!

Mostly Bs- Your favorite color is RED – you’re the life of the party and your friends might even say you’re fiery!

Mostly Cs- Your favorite color is INFIDELITY – the color you wrote your marriage vows in and the color we painted the nursery when you told me you would never leave me for Barry. I know you’ve been sleeping with him, Jennifer. I know you spend your “late nights at the office” down at the Motel 6 where you probably get off on pay per view porn and the thought that I’m stuck in our town house playing Scrabble with our weird ass kid and your mother. I’m tired, Jennifer. I’m tired of your games, and I won’t play them anymore. You think I’m oblivious, don’t you? I know Barry drives you around in his Nissan Leaf. God I hate Nissan Leaves. Why isn’t my Prius good enough? What does Barry have that I don’t, Jennifer? Please come back to me. I can change. Please.

WOW IT'S NOVEMBER

My Week in Review

By: Hugh Janus

I’m going to make this week’s review short. I was extremely sick after Halloweekend; I am sure you can guess why so I did not do much. I skipped so many classes and just spent my week in my bed. And it was great. On Friday though, I did watch The Nun. For those of you who do not know, I once had a nightmare that involved the Nun. She looked right at me which caused me to wake up, obviously. But, watching the movie, she was not as scary. It was just really bad editing and CGI. And then, I made a Tinder for shits and giggles. So, if you see me on the app, no you didn’t.

“I love sports.”

COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS IN LSC ROOM 109 AT 8 P.M. ON WEDNESDAYS TO TELL US THE RESULTS OF WHAT YOUR FAVORITE COLOR IS. IF YOU DON'T WE WILL ASSUME YOUR FAVORITE COLOR IS INFIDELITY.

How has No Nut November been?

"Still

strong" Brad Nonuttes

Chronic liar, deludes himself to reality, also claims that he is Michael Jackson's son

I LOVE GERRYMANDERING

Why Third Parties Fail In America

BY BEN DOVER

Third parties have a history of being seen as failures in the United States. Politics in America are dominated by the two-party system of the Democratic and Republican parties. The failure of third parties can be traced back to one problem: the lack of animal mascots.

If I were to ask you what animal you associate with the Republican Party, it would be an elephant, right? What animal do you associate with the Democratic Party? A donkey, that makes sense. What animal do you associate with the Libertarian Party? Can’t think of anything? Exactly. The Democratic and Republican Parties have established an animal motif for their branding. For some reason, third parties have not followed in their footsteps. If third parties want to be taken seriously by the populace, they must adopt an identifiable animal mascot. Since all politicians are lazy asses, I will create animal mascots for them (you’re welcome):

Mr. Peanut

Joined Kanye in getting kicked out of the Billionaires club. Waiting for Destroy Dick December

Libertarian Party- Fox: God’s most libertarian and sexiest animal.

Green Party- Praying Mantis because they’re green (duh). Constitution Party- The Turkey. It's what Ben Franklin would have wanted.

Communist Party- Cat. I like cats. They’re nice.

Rent Is Too Damn High Party- They could use a bear, I guess. It doesn’t matter. None of this matters.

Wasting Time

BY THE TREASURER

It is well known that all humans react to incentives. If I know that I will get a belly rub everytime I do chores, I will do chores more often. Therefore, I believe that for every minute that a professor makes you waste, they should have to go to detention for the time they wasted, multiplied by the students that attend class. There is no incentive for professors to actually do anything if you really think about it. Why should they put the energy into being informative? Why bother to look at other courses to make sure you’re not repeating information when you can just, not?

If the course you are taking is required for your degree, and it happens to have mandatory attendance, then you know that the professor has no reason to even pretend to teach. Why go through the effort? They know that you know that they can make you sit there. So I say let's give them an incentive. By making them understand that our time is just as valuable and important as their own then maybe they will stop fucking making us sit there and waste the precious little time we have on this earth.

To join in this campaign sign the change.org petition I have created. Every vote counts. Spread it in your GroupMes and in your dorm room. This November, remember that your vote counts. And if enough of our votes are counted for then maybe, just maybe, I can stop wasting an hour and twenty minutes every week when I can be doing literally anything else.

https://chng.it/6Fdct285cT

Everyone loves animals, and every team has a mascot. By adopting this branding, third parties will be seen as more legitimate. Not only will this solution improve the chances of third parties being elected. But it will also save America and, thus, the universe.

MILLIE, PLEASE CALL ME, I MISS YOU A HENTAI BUFF'S RECOMMENDATION

BY MR. A.D. GRAHAM

In an age where animated pornography has grown plentiful across the Internet, I feel we lack any taste. None know the classics, no one knows what constitutes the perfect sex scene, nor can anyone admire stepsiblings going at it as much as they used to. That’s why I felt compelled to express my opinion on the matter and educate the readers of this fine paper regarding what works are best for consumption.

For those with more contemporary tastes, I’d argue that out of the thousands of titles to watch, there is one that I firmly believe all will be satisfied with: Aneki… My Sweet Elder Sister. While the animation style itself has aged poorly, I’d be willing to make the argument that this style is what lends this hentai in particular to be so incredibly satisfying, as many of the women in this work are drawn as some of the most luscious, curvaceous young women on the planet. Out of all the four though, the second one has to be my absolute favorite, as it is the closest thing I’ve ever come across to my actual desires: to have sexual relations with a barely legal schoolgirl.

I have indeed ran across a couple works that I would deem equivalent in terms of quality when compared to material produced for the straights. While such works are harder to find, one such title I’d recommend would be Yarichin: Bitch Club. While it lacks in plot, it makes up for this shortcoming with fantastic animation and amazing sex scenes.

LUCY STONE HALL'S GONNA BE CRAMPED

"That's great for me"

Mr. Knockers Has a Peanut Allergy

going

"This is really bad for me"

(Great question! In order to understand this, we need to review some basic math. Now, as we all know, liking men is gay, regardless of gender; that's why so many straight men hate themselves. But sexuality is a sliding scale, and most people don't fall perfectly at 100%. What we need to do is figure out just how gay the genitals are. Leading science has revealed that the dick itself is roughly 2.19% of the average male's body mass. That may not be much, but it is a statistically significant percentage. Unfortunately, this math ignores the balls, as they're difficult to work with. Their volume changes with the outside temperature. The balls retract in the cold and descend in the heat. Meanwhile, their weight changes as they fill up with that boiling baby batter. Now you may wonder where this is going since we're at a mathematical impasse. What if I told you we actually had all the pieces to figure out your leg question?

Continued in the next column!)

(See, while the dick isn't that gay if we just look at weight, it is the most dense ly homosexual part of the body. Unfortunately, it's hard to get hot and heavy when the cold won't let you get sweaty. Your body needs a way to signal to your brain that it's time to enter the bone zone, but the av erage male is so horny that the signal can't come from hormones. That's where the balls come in. Remember how I said sexuality is a sliding scale? What if I told you your balls control that slider. When it's cold, they shrivel up inside of you, allowing the slider to return to its proper po sition. As the temperature around the semen spheres heats up, your balls depress the slider closer to the ho mosexual half. By the time it's hot enough for your balls to stick to your leg, you're in the emergency zone. If you haven't found a daddy to dick down or dick you down, your goo globes run the risk of getting so loose and heavy they fall off your groin. Desperate to not be lost forever, they cling to the side of your leg in the hopes a sexy stud will come along and save them. I hope this information helps you to ejaculate expe diently.

Cordially yours, Personal Lee

What is the best building to rail someone in?

(There's a lot of good options here. I've heard the Academic Buildings aren't bad but you run the risk of people walking in on you mistakenly while trying to figure out which building you're in. Hickman Hall is a good option, but you have to convince your people to actually get on an EE, and most students would rather die before being mildly inconvenienced. I'd recommend Richard Weeks, but it hasn't returned from its maiden voyage after it was converted into an ark in response to the flooding on campus.

I guess if I really have to pick one, it'd be Campbell Hall ;))

Why call oven when cold go in but hot come out?

(Yes!)

My Crocs got warped from leaving them in a hot car. How can I go on?

(Oh yeaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!! Life goes onnnnn! Long after the thrill of living is gone!!)

Fuck marry kill: Brower, Livingston Dining Hall, Busch Dining Hall? (Yes!) How do I rotate text?

AND DESPAIR!

MARVELS, YE MORTALS,

LOOK UPON MY

Can Jar Jar solo the Ghosts of Mortis?

(Did you know Ahmed Best, the actor of Jar Jar Binks for the prequel movies and some other associated media, was so heavily harassed due to how disliked the character was that he found himself contemplating suicide? Although he appeared in

How can I make it stop? (This is the last question.)

themedium.submissions@gmail.com

I'm Bored Big Poem Time

Coup d’état Plans

By Barn Animal and Lexa Preaux

Operation Mediumn’t. Sensitive information. Do not submit. Secret.

For their two appointed Leaders: hogtie one and put him in a nearby closet. Lock it. For the other, take out his knees swiftly. He’ll scream, but the priority is he can’t run. They are without direction. Locate the rest of the Staff. Take their eyes (by order of the Peaky Bloindahs). Remove the first Leader from the closet and present him a list of demands.

“We know you will not comply easily. But look at your people in their blind misery.”

He complies:

Free Cars for us

Nut November (Almond awareness edition) (also, sex-positive)

Dogs at every meeting

More satire, less satire

Go paperless, we scribe all editions on stone. Biblically. 18 prayers before and after every meeting

New section: Hilary Duff Watch. We keep up with Ms. Duff weekly.

Meetings take place in the trunks of our free cars so we can Doordash during them

When it is cold, we have meetings in the middle of a field (to build character)

Get rid of “News,” introduce “Olds”

A new day is born. We leave, satisfied with the changes made. With our new power, we ditch the name “The Medium” and welcome the new name, “The Hourly Targum.”

Excerpts of The Medium HR file

By. Howard R. Hickenbottem-In Exile.

Hello, friends. Long time no see. If you do not know who I am, my name is Howard R. Hickenbottom. I am the H.R. detector of The Medium. I have not been around because I was forced into exile last semester by former member, Harry Nuttsacc. I am still in exile for my safety, but with my series of hidden microphones and cameras, I am still able to do my job and categorize the human recourses violations that the members of The Medium have committed.

15. Ronald Burz and Micycle Sneaker argued over drinking my jizz.

47. Medium Man called lo-fi “lofi”

3. Ronald Burz pointed at a big member of The Medium and said, “husky.”

88. Ian cell asked if my handwriting was in runes (in reference to my poor handwriting).

32. Spunky McGee asked in The Medium discord if we could have a Medium orgy.

29. Dogmeat Jones threatened to hit Personal Lee because Lee made a pun.

42. When Ronald Burz moaned, Mycyle Sneaker asked if that is what he sounds like during sex.

An Ode to Roger (With Annotations)

By Anita Manda Hugankiss

By neither war nor rain would you be stopped; Pursuits bold and firey. (this dude was MAD horny) Thy dagger dangerously stropped, (the dagger is his penis, and stropped means sharpened)

And you made it clear I was the intended recipient Of your attack, From all the dick pics you sent. (he wouldn't stop sending them on Snapchat)

Manhattan bound, the car you sent. Said you wanted to be on your back. And from that dank kush hardly cognizant. (he wanted to smoke a bunch of weed and hook up)

Do you not like what you see? Well then fuck off you rude bastard. If you think you can do better then prove it. Medium pitch meetings: Wednesdays at 8 p.m. at the Livingston Student Center, Room 109.

"There is no plot in this titty."

I Missed Hickenbottem

It is with retrospective regret That I never took you up on your offer Where you would have me set With stacks of cash in your Upper West Side apartment Calling me 'Sir'

(TLDR: I really should have made the fuckin schmoney and slept with that cute rich stoner twink.)

“WHY MAKE US BELIEVE”: THE REALITIES OF PHILLIES FANDOM

BY:

[editor’s note: what you are about to witness (as the sports editor described it) is a practice in the art of gonzo journalism. If you have not been following this page, our sports editor is a die-hard Phillies fan. Last weekend was important for him and all Phillies fans because their team was in the World Series against The Houston Astros. As it is already known, the Phillies did not bring glory to their city this year, with The Astros clinching the series in six games. The editor watched game six last Saturday; on hand was another editor and a staff writer for The Medium whose job it was to transcript the sports editor’s reaction to either his team tying the series or the painful feeling of defeat. The transcript is printed before you. Fair warning; a large amount of alcohol was involved during the evening of game 6, so do not expect a well-thought expression of emotion. This is a raw, unorganized rant. Enjoy]

Sports editor (SE): we all unanimously agree… it’s over. Now for what we’ve been waiting for. They make us fucking believe. It’s interesting dear friends, to be the sports editor of this paper. It might surprise you that the rest of the editors aren’t as big sports fans as I am. This semester I’ve been fortunate to have people around who know what these games

are and what they mean to me, but I digress. I’ll give you a little fucking info, kiddies. I have been a Phillies fan all my life. I’m from a small town outside of the city of brotherly love. So I’m essentially in hostile territory at the moment, being so close to NYC.

The phrase “trust the process” has been used as a mantra in Philly sports for the last half-decade, but it has been how I have felt about The Phillies for the last 11 years.

4 fucking weeks ago, I couldn’t watch a Phillies game on my TV up here because I am in Yankee/ Mets country. We slipped into playoffs in the thirdplace wild-card spot. We were fighting The Brewers for the honor of being eliminated in the first round of the wild card.

Yet we made it. We beat the fucking Cardinals. Swept them. We proved a fucking point. Every fucking game had a chance that we’d just go home.

Baseball is the fucking old guard of all the big four. Every win was proof that we mattered as a team. And as we ventured further into unknown territory, we grew more confident. Until eventually, reality hit. We beat The Cardinals. We beat The Braves. We beat The Padres, the sons of bitches would beat the 111-win Dodgers. We rested for a couple of days out of hope. Wondering if we would go up against The Yankees or

the biggest motherfuckers in the league, The Astros. Those disgusting, vile representation of the new market. Those cheaters. I was hoping we’d have to play against The Yankees for fun. A Phillies/Yankees World Series would have seen this state burnt to the ground, it would have been glorious. Professional sports is, at least, the way I feel, the only way the American Dream can still be felt these days. In spite of every bit that we struggled. We eventually made it. We believed that victory was possible. But then the reality of The Astros crashed down on us. Guys like us, guys with no (less) money, couldn’t stand a chance against The Astros or The Yankees or The Dodgers or whatever. This was supposed to be a Cinderella dream, but it wasn’t. There’s a cynicism that comes with Philly sports. We never make it to the World Series. We do well for a bit, granted. But we never make it. It felt different this year, though. It felt like the little engine that actually could. “Once you get into the actual playoffs, then you’ll lose,” the detractors said, but we proved them wrong, and we actually made it to The World Series against The Astros. The new pretty boys in fucking town. Everyone was hoping for us. Mets fans and Yankees fans, but we didn’t. And that’s the crushing thing about being a Phillies fan. One of our writers once

described being a Mets fan as having a deadbeat father. Being a Phillies fan is like that, but our dad actually took us to the park once but never again.

The Eagles are 8-0, so hey, maybe we might win that. Who knows?

Sports glory isn’t for the city of brotherly love, after all. We’re the redheaded stepchild of The Northeast.

We're not meant for such things: Glory, Victory, or Satisfaction. Such things are meant for the Boston or New York teams, not for us.

Baseball is over; for now, I have to enter the cold of winter without my favorite game, but don’t worry, I won’t be staying in this cold region for long. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to make a trip down south. I have business matters to attend to.

[Writer’s note: The night of game six was the last time anyone at The Medium has seen the sports editor. He seems to have disappeared. The staff writer who was with him that night did get a call from him on Monday night from a number we did not recognize. He said he was at a pay phone (we didn’t know where he found a pay phone either). He told us that he was on the slide of Interstate 45 south. This is very confusing because I-45 South goes from Dallas to Houston. Then we understood. The Sports Editor is going to Houston!]

Annoying My Fellow Editors Who Don’t know Sports