The Medium 12/07/22

BY LEXA PREAUX YEETING AN OLD MAN

This past week, popular social media influencer BlakeBoy69 posted a video to his TikTok account where he showed himself picking up his grandfather, tossing him about 3 feet in the air, and successfully catching him. The video amassed over 1.2 million views in under 48 hours. It was then that Mr. Boy69 coined the term “Throw an Elder Challenge.” Thousands of his dedicated fans began to follow suit and started posting their own versions of the challenge. Disaster struck when BlakeBoy69 accepted a multimillion dollar deal with Advance Auto Parts that would allow each party to profit off of the “Advance Auto Parts Throw an Elder Challenge.”

Elder throwing casualties have been sparse, but they met an all-time high when a selfproclaimed BlakeBoyBoy (what

BlakeBoy69 calls his fans) broke into a Ohio nursing home and began begging elders to let him throw them. Eyewitnesses recounted the events and stated that in his tirade, the BlakeBoyBoy pleaded, “Don’t you wanna let me throw you? I’ll toss you real high, you’ll go weeeee. You need this. Do you wanna be famous? Wanna be fucking incredible?” Three elders

volunteered, and they seemed quite enthusiastic about being thrown in the air in the name of BlakeBoy69. Unfortunately, the BlakeBoyBoy involved is allegedly “weak like a flaccid noodle,” according to police. His poor technique rendered multiple hairline fractures and inflamed joints in himself and the elders involved. The man was

"TITANIC" TURNS 25 THIS MONTH, LEO DICAPRIO STARTS PETITION TO BAN MOVIE

BY KRANGIS MCBASKETBALL BETTER THAN CURRY

“Date me like one of your French girlfriends” or however the fuck the line goes. After digging his nose to the ground for years chasing Academy Awards and Golden Globes, which he eventually did by showing us his Hugh Glass, he dug his nose up youthful women. From Bridget Hall in 1998 to Gigi Hadid in 2022, Romeo flowed his mojo around Hollywood for 2.5 decades looking to (Montague) mount a cutie. December 19, 1997 marks the day that James Cameron’s Titanic was released and theaters were full of people waiting to see Cameron’s dick and DiCaprio on the same screen. However, this isn’t something Leo would want to stick his ship up into. Leo himself

now wants to take every copy of the film to the same damn iceberg that did the opposite of sinking his career down the drain. For those who don’t remember that y = mx + b, 2022 - 1997 = 25. And for a certain someone, a quarter’s worth in years is enough for him to make like a Subway Surfers protagonist

and GTFO’ing. With the date of the film’s next birthday coming faster than Leo himself, he wants it gone before the public catches him with a major.

Now there’s no secret that he enjoys getting cooties from cuties, but it seems he truly

High

detained and his identity was released as “Hank Verde.”

Fans and spectators alike began to turn heads to BlakeBoy69, demanding an apology and a withdrawal of the Advance Auto Parts Throw an Elder Challenge. Critics of BlakeBoy69 suggest that the influencer is at least partially responsible for damage as long as he continues support of Advance Auto Parts Elder Throwing. This raises the questions of if silence is approval and of what power “influencers” hold. BlakeBoy69 took to Twitter with an apology in the form of a screenshot from an email to his publicist with the subject heading, “Is this fucking good now oh my godddddd.”

In the apology, BlakeBoy stated: “I’m sorry but if you’re gonna throw an elder (I’m not making you!!!) you gotta be hitting legs, it’s not about arms. Subscribe to my fitness youtube channel, BuffBlakeBoy69.” Advance Auto Parts posted an apology soon after, where their social media intern tweeted “oopsie doopsie.” That deviant intern is still at large.

believes age is more than just a number. And despite Titanic being his arguably most important film, it is no exception. So, like all gender reveals, he wants it to go up in flames. He took to Twitter, releasing a simple 25 word tweet, “This growing pain is giving me groin pain. I want Titanic off everything. Every DVD, VCR, streaming service, take it down NOW!. YOLO $WAG BITCHES!”. Shortly after this tweet, DiCaprio released another tweet of a link that leads to a petition to ban the movie from all streaming services. The petition currently has 42,069 e-signatures with a goal of 50,000. Our sources last saw DiCaprio watching an episode of Spongebob

LOCAL MAN FOUND IN UNCONVENTIONAL DATING SCENE

BY: BARN ANIMAL MOO, BITCH

In local news, a man has recently been arrested for trespassing in a private cemetery. According to security footage, this is at least the third time he has intruded here, with no definite evidence of him entering other local graveyards.

When questioned by authorities about his intentions, he stated, “I got

this cool new dating app. It’s called, get this, an ‘EMF.’ Isn’t that awesome? I’ve also been having a lot of weird dreams… shivers too, and knocking on the walls in my apartment. My dog levitated three feet in the air and started speaking in tongues last week, and his vomit is black… The ladies LOVE me, they can’t get enough!

“And I don’t blame ‘em. Men usually don’t flirt or take you out when you’ve been dead for decades.” He remains anonymous, but is presumed to be involved in this dating scene on the Other Side due to experiencing some form of psychosis.

He further said his current fling is with a woman named Emma-Louise who died in a house fire in 1964. His phone revealed dozens of photos of him at her gravestone, with candles and a dinner for two on the grass. A Christmas photo included a pair of reindeer ears taped on her headstone while he donned a Santa hat and classic ugly sweater, holding up a peace sign and grinning.

“Yeah we’re taking things slow. She was mad I brought candles to our first dinner date due to her, uh, circumstances.

“But she’s been unbelievably sweet… Yeah I think I’ll bring a ouija board home to Christmas dinner so

she can meet my parents and my sisters. This is awesome, I just don’t want things moving fast because there’s so many options these days!”

When asked about their communication, he replied, “Initially there was just a lot of unspoken rizz. My EMF was going crazy and I knew she was bad from her gravestone’s flower plot. That shade of red on the roses– I knew she was a ten out of ten. Over time it grew, now I hear her whispers constantly and really feel like I can share anything with her without being judged or shamed. I don’t wanna move too fast, but this is special.”

Authorities ask we keep his identity private as he proceeds forward with legal consequences for his actions. [Editor’s Note: Additionally, who’s to say this romance isn’t real and beautiful? Who are we to judge a happy man and dearly beloved woman?]

Squarepants at a hotel lounge area and he abruptly changed the channel before Spongebob could tell Patrick what was funnier than 24.

INSERT LEO DICAPRIO JOKE HERE ...continued from front

Special Thanks To... Michael Beacher, Faith McNaughton, Sameed Shahid, Mary Smeloff, Nick Zysman

Top 11 Meals To Eat When You Do Not Go Home for the Holidays

By: Dogmeat Jones

1. A Six pack of beer (preferably old Mil waukee or anything cheap and domestic)- sip while you stare out your window alone.

8. Hungry Man Roasted Carved White Meat Turkey-Its like having your own Christmas dinner. You can eat it out of the tray you cooked it in over your sink.

0. A fat sandwich from RU Hungry- hell, you could get two if you want to; no one can judge you. You haven’t seen anyone in six days.

0. A gyro from King of Gyro- perfect to eat while reading texts from your family, to remind yourself that it’s better not to go home.

6. A meal from any of the dining halls- Oh yeah, the dining halls are closed because ev- eryone went home.

6. A sub from Jersey Mike’s- you can eat it one-handed while scrolling through Insta gram to see happier people than you.

2. A chicken and pickle sandwich on a ham burger bun-The supplies in the kitchen are pretty low, should have gone grocery shop ping before the holidays.

4. A can of Hommel’s Chili- I don’t remem ber when I brought this, but it will work.

3. A burrito from El Jefe's Taqueria- Can’t go far from campus for a meal since you start ed to wear a bathrobe and pajamas outside.

5. A Red Baron Frozen Pizza-I live with my brother; we are both guys in our early twenties. It is state/federal law that if two or more men in their twenties live together, there has two be at least two frozen pizzas in the freezer at all times.

7. Half a bottle of whiskey- You drink this on New Year’s Eve. Your only New Year’s resolution is that you won’t be alone again next New Year’s Eve.

A Love Letter To My Favorite Artist

By: President Holloway

Howdy students, It’s me, your favorite president, President Holloway. You may not know this about me, but I love listening to music. Music has always been a part of my life, whether I was getting down at the sock hop or watching The Dick Clark Show. I contacted the fine people at The Medium and asked them to publish a love letter to my favorite music artist. This artist has not only created some of my favorite music, he has also changed my life and has inspired me to grow as a person. Without further ado, my favorite music artist is...*drum roll* Bladee. So, who is this Bladee fella? Bladee is a Swedish… I wanna say singer. I’m not quite sure of the exact term. But, his style of music is known as “drained”. Drained music is known for its woozy and dreamlike quality. Bladee is also part of a group with other drained artists known as Drain Gang. I’m not sure why those fellas named themselves after a channel or pipe carrying off surplus liquid. Other members of Drain Gang include Ecco2k, Thaiboy Digital, and Whitearmor. If you like Bladee, I would recommend listening to these artists. Now, I’ll tell you the story of how I discovered Bladee. I was scrolling through my Spotify account on my Apple iPhone when I saw a new song in my Discover Weekly playlist. It was a song called “Be Nice 2 Me” by Bladee. I was intrigued by his usage of a number in the title, so I clicked on the song. Upon my first listen, I was so flabbergasted that I spat out my coffee and exclaimed, “Great googly-moogly! What the heck is this hooey?”. The song started off with a bunch of bleeps and bloops. However, after repeated listening, I became enamored with the song’s hypnotic sound. I also found the lyrics very relatable. I, too, enjoy it when people speak nicely to me.

After listening to “Be Nice 2 Me”, I went down a rabbit hole of discovering Bladee’s other projects. And boy, does that fella have a lot of albums. If you want to get into Bladee, I recommend starting with his latest album Spiderr. But a word of caution, that album cover gives me the heebie-jeebies. I hope one day, everyone will be enlightened by the power of Drain Gang.

Love, President Holloway

I WISH I DIDN'T GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS DRAIN GANG FOR LIFE

OPINIONS

UNIVERSITY VOICES

HE TOTALLY IS ROLLING IN PUSSY

Women Are Not Funny

BY JOHNATHAN JOHNSON

Being a lingustics major is

He's

Have Wawa's Sandwiches Shrunk, Or Has My Head Game Improved?

BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE

Recently, I was driving back to my dorm after a doctor’s appointment, and during the trip, I bought myself a small Gobbler from Wawa. It was about 6” in length, maybe 2-3” in girth, and just fucking slathered in cranberry sauce and gravy. This shit was just dribbling down my cheek; it was insane. Anyhow, as I was deep-throating the shit out of this sandwich on Route 1, I couldn’t help but notice that… well… it was almost as if it had gotten easier to eat these things. Like I remember when I first got hooked on Gobblers, I’d literally struggle to wrap my lips around the damn thing. But now, I’m just able to stuff it in one go, hence begging the question: have Wawa’s sandwiches shrunk, or has my head game improved?

Before you begin saying that I must be batshit insane for thinking this, I must let you know that you’re indeed right, I am batshit insane. Still though, I feel this is a legitimate question, especially in a day and age where shrinkflation has grown ever present in the food industry. As a consumer, I think it is within my right to know whether this matter is due to all of us getting fucked by corporations constantly, or just my mouth getting destroyed constantly.

I bring up the latter bit because between the time I had my last Gobbler sandwich in November 2021 and now, I will be frank, I have sucked an unholy amount of cock. Now, most of it was relatively average in terms of size and length, but my theory is that over the course of the year, I’ve learned how to stretch my throat enough to accommodate larger cocks.

I mean, c’mon, it was only two, maybe three inches wide at most. I don’t know. I’m just annoyed I had to pay almost seven dollars for something so fucking small. I can literally just swipe right on Tinder, Bumble, or Grindr a couple dozen times to meet someone who has more girth than these fucking sandwiches, man.

I don’t know how to do laundry and I have been wearing the same 5 pairs of dirty socks for a month. I think that the way I don’t properly wipe my ass is the peak of chivalry and masculinity. My woman friends love it when I make “Go get me a beer!” jokes and I call them my woman friends because they are lesser than my actual friends and require an identifier. I haven’t called my mom in a year because she is disappointed in me. My favorite movie is Superbad and I really like that one joke where they’re like “ahaha penis! Woman fuck me please I having penis pleassseee? Boob size girl boob?” When women question me I am filled with an unconquerable rage because I am literally a feminist I have woman friend, I am a Bernie Bro, and I do not drug and kill women? I am nice guy and very cool and also funny and I love women. I just love a cool woman who is chill and one of the boys, who likes cornhole, ballsport, and drinking beer like it’s water. I love and respect women and I especially love women who hate other women, ahah get em’! Also I am very nice and funny. My dad says women have emotions and emotions are weaknesses and I love my dad so much he is wise, sexy, smart, and hot. I love my dad yayyyy! My girlfriend is real and she is so different and she likes only reading Lord of the Rings and making me chicken nuggets and I think those are the only things she does, idk I don’t really pay attention. I think that women are not funny because actually I am funny because my dad says I’m funny and I love my sexy, sexy dad.

THE LIB AGENDA Santa’s Constituents Should Include Adults

BY HOOYA COLIN PINNHED

I think it’s bullshit that only kids get presents. I’m a good girl, where’s my present? I’m a much better person and a more contributing member of society than a fucking 3rd grader. I think Santa should include adults. Here’s the adult breakdown:

Good boys will get a really big fucking stick. Because guys just love obscenely large sticks. Depending on how good you were this year, you might also get a really big rock you can throw into a body of water. But, for the most part, if you’re good and identify as male, you get a big fucking stick. This can be used for multiple things, such as digging holes or chewing on it. If you’ve been naughty, Santa will take all your spoons and replace them with tiny spoons. Like, the little ones. The really tiny ones.

Good girls get an IUD. Naughty girls will also get an IUD, except they’ll have it inserted in the most painful way possible. So, in reality, there’s only a small margin of difference between the presents that good girls and naughty girls get. Some speculate that it’s Santa’s way of saying that he supports women's rights and also women’s wrongs! Hoe Hoe Hoe!

Good enbys will get a frog, a wolf cut, and a Nintendo Switch. From what I’ve seen, they/thems really do like their frogs and wolf cuts. The Nintendo Switch is just for shits and giggles I guess. The bad enbys will also get a wolf cut, but it’ll never look right. Some days it might also make you look like a French person. Also, they can’t get oat milk in their lattes anymore. Horrible, really!

The rules SHOULD begin applying THIS Christmas.

THE TRUE THROAT GOAT

"What's a final?"

Allison Treeblossom

sooooo difficult.

"Finals make me want to become an underwater welder."

Brian Xing

It's tough out here.

"This is gonna be rough... like dis DICK!!!"

Richard Johnson

not gay. It's just satire!

Are you ready for finals?

MOUSE

KPOP CHRISTMAS BY YOONGI MARRY ME

Thanks

PERSONALS

Memories

(What's that? A picture for an article on Personals? Well dear reader, this week I am featuring my favorite piece I have ever written. I wrote this when The Medium appeared to be in its death throes during the beginning of the quarantine era. Luckily, The Medium did not end there. Even as my time at Rutgers nears its end, The Medium is thriving like it never has. Before I cede my position to newer voices, I wanted to give this piece the recognition I feel it deserves.)

Dear Personal Lee, Why can I pee without pooping but can’t poop without peeing?

Don’t worry, it’s not just you. The idea that you can pee without pooping but can’t poop without peeing has tormented scientists for hundreds of millions of years as they racked their brains for answers. It just doesn’t make sense. Shouldn’t you always do both or be able to choose which you do?

As we all know, pee, and the mechanisms that control it, is stored in the balls. Having a pouch outside your body to contain and dispose of your pee is a necessity because it would be hella gross if that stuff was inside of you. I don’t know about you, but I’m not a freak and I’m not into golden showers. Unlike pee, poop is stored inside the body. As Stephen Hawking once put it, “Having poop inside of us is the price man must pay for greatness.” It is commonly believed that poop is kept in the colon, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The colon is not for storing shit, it’s for punctuation. The false colon narrative came about from the colonoscopy procedure, but the term is actually an abbreviation for “semi-colonoscopy,” a procedure in which a doctor splits that ass open like a semi-colon splits a sentence. In actuality, shit is stored in the prostate, a fact that is instrumental in understanding why we can’t poop with the freedom we deserve.

The balls are nearly completely separate from the body, which affords them some level of autonomy. The only things that connect it to the rest of your body are the chakra lines between the testes and prostate. When the prostate becomes agitated, be it by a poop leaving or by a trusted relative, it sends good karma across those chakra lines. This makes your balls feel really good, which makes you need to pee, thus forcing you to pee when you poop.

“But what about women?” you might be wondering. Women, after all, don’t have balls or prostates, so why do they have to piss and shit at the same time. As you may remember from seventh-grade health, women are beings of pure witchcraft created by Satan to tempt men away from the Garden of Eden, and pissing and shitting is their eternal punishment for their transgressions against god.

Thank you for the fantastic question!

-Personal Lee

Word of the Year

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

BY MOZART?

Twinkle, twinkle, little star, How I wonder what you are! Up above the world so high, Like a diamond in the sky. When the blazing sun is gone, When he nothing shines upon, Then you show your little light, Twinkle, twinkle, all the night. Then the trav’ller in the dark, Thanks you for your tiny spark, He could not see which way to go, If you did not twinkle so.

In the dark blue sky you keep, And often thro’ my curtains peep, For you never shut your eye, Till the sun is in the sky. ‘Tis your bright and tiny spark, Lights the trav’ller in the dark, Tho’ I know not what you are, Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

I'll Miss This Page

A7: Interesting Death Grips Lyrics

By Nick Zysman

Death Grips is the industrial hip-hop trio that your annoying friend in high school wouldn’t shut up about (that was me). One of their signature qualities is the abstract lyrics from frontman MC Ride. Here are some of their most interesting: -“Eat it like the devil’s cunt”- Linda’s in Custody -“Fuck this bird bitch drink this bleach”- Birds (this song features guitar playing by Robert Pattinson)

-“The table’s flipped, now we got all the coconuts, bitch”- Hacker

-“Don’t it feel good to drive a bus?/ People need to get picked up”- Say Hey Kid

-“Jon and Shelley are my friend”- Say Hey Kid -“I like my iPod more than fuckin’”- Inanimate Sensation

-“Blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo, blo oh no blo, blo, blo, blo hot head”- Hot Head

-The intro to “Dilemma” because it’s performed by Shrek director Andrew Adamson

-“I'm the coat hanger in your man's vagina”- Deep Web

-“Look up see my nuts slap the moon”- Turned Off

-“Responsibility’s cool, but there’s more things in life/ Like getting your dick/ Rode all fucking night”- I want it I need it (Death Heated)

MUSIC

My Last A7 Page (Even If It's Music)

We Didn’t Start the Fire (At Murray Hall)

By Jonathan Holloway

The LX Bus breaks down, students want to give up RU Hungry, RZone, there is no more wendys Booster shots, Moderna, Bivalents, nasal swabs River Dorms frozen, Busses ain’t bendy

Holloway, tuition up, furry club, Brower Man Canvas, Pi Delta Psi and the Theta Delta Chi Bernie Sanders, Murphy, no way Ciattarelli Henry’s Diner, underpaid, Say goodbye to Sakai

We didn't start the fire It was always burning, since the world's been turning We didn't start the fire No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it Sebastian Stan, Chamberlin, Friedman and Gillespie Frelinghuysen, Hardenberg, Regina Belle Ed Jones, Eric Young, Rana Kapoor, Cahill Elizabeth Warren, William Campbell

PETA fail, reptilian, football coach got 4 million Barstool President ate, Brower Pizza 1.8 Veo, ru wireless, mediocre at best Midterm stress, defund press, Turning Point Protest

We didn't start the fire It was always burning, since the world's been turning We didn't start the fire No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it Climate Strike, Holloway, rolling eyes, gives no fucks Unions, governors fuck off, faculty gets laid off Business school, full of fraud, billboard is a lightning rod San Marco Homicide, protests against apartheid Dining Halls, [famous YouTuber], got the rankings real wrong Anti-gay, Mike Rice, definitely won’t suffice RUDU, delirium, blood drive with The Medium Nirvani, overpriced, a thousand mice euthanized

We didn't start the fire It was always burning, since the world's been turning We didn't start the fire No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it

COVID hit, depression, Ipads for everyone Passion, Puddle, Education Muddled Brendan Haas of the Medium, Zimmerli Art Museum Coyote, Bear Scare, Livingston Daycare Charlie for Change, ex-girlfriend estranged Students hurt by Fannie Mae, what else can I even say?

We didn't start the fire It was always burning, since the world's been turning We didn't start the fire No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it

Loan Forgiveness, Joe Biden, Supreme Courts back again RU Bathroom, Classroom, Lecture Hall, Baby Boom 4.0 on the grind, Ru Scheduler remind Spotify wrapped up, US in the World Cup

Tuition Inflation, Duo Verification No abortion, malnutrition, weed, crack addiction Barnes and Noble Bookstore, Overpriced textbooks Servers crash, closed sections, I can’t take it anymore

We didn't start the fire It was always burning, since the world's been turning We didn't start the fire But when we are gone It will still burn on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on We didn't start the fire It was always burning, since the world's been turning We didn't start the fire No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it

We didn't start the fire It was always burning, since the world's been turning We didn't start the fire No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it We didn't start the fire It was always burning, since the world's been turning We didn't start the fire No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it

IT'S BEEN A WILD RIDE, MAN. A REAL WILD RIDE.

BY DOGMEAT JONES, PASSIONATE PHILLY SPORTS FAN

Well, Kiddies, the time has come. The end of the semester is upon us. My reign as head of the sports desk of The Medium has come to an end (or until I get re-elected this week, fingers crossed).

It’s been a wild couple of months. We found out Kyrie Irving was an antisemite (we knew he was a dick but that kind of a dick). Irving fucked around and found out when Nike dropped him as a partner.

Astros won the world series (dirty fucking Astros, mother fucking Astros, bitch ass Astros, Texas living sons of bastards. Not real win, mother fuckers). As you can tell, I no longer let the fact that my beloved Phillies lost the World Series bother me anymore (we just got Trea Turner for 11fucking years bitches).

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers, led by Tom Brady, currently have a 5-6 (Ha Ha Ha) also, Brady got divorced after 13 years of marriage with Gisele Bundchen. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

BY DOGMEAT JONES

1. Seattle Sounders FC- The current professional soccer team was named in honor of the original Seattle Sounders of the North American Soccer League from 1973-1983. The original Sounders got their name in a naming contest. For those unaware, sounding is a sexual act in which rods are shoved into the urethral of the penis for pleasure.

2.The University of Nebraska Cornhuskers football team refers to their defensive units as “The Blackshirts” because of the black jerseys that the defensive players wear during practices. Now, everyone who is familiar with mid-20th-century Italian fascism knows that the paramilitary wing of the National Fascist Party under Benito Mussolini were known as the Blackshirts. The British Union of Fascists were also known as the blackshirts.

3. The Gwinnett Stripers-The Triple-A affiliates of the Atlanta Braves of Minor League Baseball, are named after striped bass. Striped Bass are caught out of Lake Lanier, a lake near the team’s hometown of Gwinnett County, Georgia. Striper is one letter off of stripper, also known as an erotic dancer.

4. The Charlotte Hornets’ City Uniforms for the 2022-2023 season use the airport code CLT for Charlotte. If you do not get why this abbreviation is funny, add an I to the word, and you get clit. If you still don’t get it, you probably couldn't find it anyway.

5. Wichita State University uses the name “Wichita State Shockers” for their sports teams. The term is in reference to a shock of wheat, another term for a bundle of wheat. Kansas has a long history of wheat farmers, and shocking is a term for harvesting wheat. The other meaning of the term is, let’s say, “two in the pink, one in the stink,” if you still don’t get it, Google it in public.

I would be remiss not to mention Lead Sports Editor Micycle Sneaker's coverage of the inaugural season of America's competitive No Nut November league. Though this season was mired in scandal with the use of performanceenhancing drugs (Lexapro), fans showed up in droves for the championship Super B-"oh"-wl. Clearly, this is set up to be the new quintessential American Pastime. During the offseason, avid fans will be sure to follow health updates on injured players

Hank Wankerson, Milkma P. Rostate, Mike Oxlong, and Jonathan "Jonny Ballz" Balzak. Regardless, The Medium Sports Staff is proud to announce our upcoming coverage of Destroy Dick December!

In international news, The World Cup Football Tournament is happening in Qatar (Soccer is for Europeans, FIFA are bastards, and Qatar has massive human rights violations. I didn’t watch it, and I won’t watch it).

On November 20th, 2022. The 109th Grey Cup took place. The Grey Cup is the championship

of the Canadian Football League. The Toronto Argonauts won their 18th Grey Cup when they defeated Winnipeg Blue Bombers 24-23. (I know my international sports shit, I just don’t like soccer).

For the NBA, (at the printing time of 12/5), the best team in the league is The Boston Celtics, with a record of 19-5, and the worst team is the lowly Orlando Magic, with a record of 5-19 (remember when the Magic were good with Penny and Shaq then Later with Dwight Howard, it’s been a long time).

I can name various other highlights and news articles in sports in the last four months, but I prefer to add something more personal. I ran for this position unopposed because I was the only one in the club who has an interest in sports. During this semester, I think through my work with a small number of writers; we have made the sports page something special. The page may not have been the funniest, but it always has the most effort. I am proud to have been the Sports Editor.