The Medium 2/1/2023

A MODERN MEDIA RENAISSANCE: THE RESURGENCE OF “FAMILY GUY”

BY LEXA PREAUX AT THE CLAM!

It’s clear on virtually every social media platform that everyone wants to be a Family Guy. The crazy antics of the beloved characters Peter, Lois, Stewie, Brian, Meg, Chris, and, of course, Quagmire, have become plastered across Instagram, TikTok, Twitter, and the like. Naturally, questions have arisen: why Family Guy? Why now? Insiders believe people are trying to maintain a sense of normalcy in the face of a rising “new normal.”

It’s no surprise that the Covid-19 pandemic has caused ripples and rifts across the globe. Since the onset of the outbreak, from the first boom of mass quarantine, many have sought out any sign of light with which to hold on to and to cope through trying times. The familial unit, comic relief, and almost anything that mimics

normalcy– are a reality even better than what was “normal” used to be to many. Trend cycles in family media and current events have become more rapid in these trying times, with a growing emphasis on comedy and the satirization of family and news. Experts claim the phenomenon of teenagers clamoring for adult comedies of the early aughts is the zoomer

THIS MAKES THE WIZARD 101 THING AWKWARD...

equivalent of the yearning people born in 1999 felt for the simpler life of 90s culture. This storm of changing trends and the social significance of media consumption is the perfect tipping of dominoes to hold up a show that echoes an all too powerful truth, just in the opening sequence: “It seems today that all you see is violence in

Continued on Page 2

WAR DECLARED ON ALL WIZARDS IN UNITED STATES

BY BARN ANIMAL SMOKING AMERICAN SPIRITS

Wizards have been appearing throughout the nation in waves. Their tendency to cast spells at will and roam from tower to tower has caught the public eye, causing many common folk to be critical and, in some cases, hostile to the group. They lack social security numbers, and their methods of procreation seem to consist of random spawning, with a heavy reliance on immortality.

Recently, a large wizard with a pipe in his mouth ran for office in Virginia, under a party named the “Big Starry Magical Pointy Cool Blue Hat Party”. Protests exploded across the nation as he was witnessed casting a spell with big glowing magical sparks

Entirety

when he lost, causing the entire state to lose power for 12 hours.

Common signs and slogans:

"WIZARDS OPPRESS HUMANITY"

“GO BACK TO THE SHIRE”

“HAT, CLOAK, WAND = NO SERVICE”

In contrast, supporters are vocal,

donning sparkly blue hats or big gray cloaks with long, fake beards. Many use chopsticks or canes to imitate wands or staffs in public.

An inside source stated, “They are so cool. Let them into Walmart like the rest of us! If I could cast spells, I’d burn everything.” After this, he

Continued on Page 2

Next Week: The Medium To Interview Lil Nas X

Somebody Please Play Fortnite With Me

I CAN'T STOP SUBWAY SURFING HELP HELP HESHE PETER ON MY LOIS TILL I QUAGMIRE

are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?”

“Family Guy” seems to have risen up through changing trends and answered America’s prayers, so much that Seth MacFarlane’s sultry voice is nearly inescapable.

“Family Guy” co-creator and star, Seth MacFarlane, was asked on his take on the resurgence of the show with clips from as early as the first season garnering hundreds of thousands and sometimes millions of views. The sudden popularity didn’t phase MacFarlane, as he stated “C'mon, Peter and his gang are freaking crazy, always hanging out at The Clam and stuff. And when Brian and Stewie hang out? This shit is so

...continued from front

silly! Also Meg is ugly!”

Although MacFarlane’s perspective differs from researchers, it is easy to see how a “Family Guy” boom might have just been inevitable: in times of tragedy, the stars will align over a small New England town to summon the Family Guy. We asked Peter himself for a comment, who added that the show’s resurgence was “friggin’ sweet.” Friggin’ sweet indeed.

NOW THAT'S A LOTTA CARNAGE!

swung a wooden stick about and ran away from our reporters, his handmade cloak trailing behind in the wind.

The National Guard has been called to action, roaming the streets under specific orders to exterminate wizards on sight. 5,000 of the group’s carcasses have been found and collected.

Inside a pit in West Virginia, a discarded journal with a cover patterned using yellow stars was discovered, and assumed to be a wizardly artifact. Translators and linguists deciphered the text, which is very close to Old English, and the final passage has caught media attention:

“They are finding us. I am

IMPEACHED IS SUCH A FUNNY WORD, MAN.

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF OF THE MEDIUM IMPEACHED

BY: GÜNTER COUVER BAKING A PEACH COBBLER

101 is better than Wizard 101. Subramanian goes on to elaborate further. “Article VII of The Medium’s Constitution states that editors can be removed if they fail to meet their roles and obligations. The Medium’s impeachment process draws inspiration from Article II, Section 4 of the United States Constitution, which states that ‘...all civil Officers…shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors.’”

The Co-Editor-in-Chief of The Medium, a weekly satire publication at Rutgers University that meets at (insert room) on Wednesdays from 8-9 PM, Brendan Haas, has just been impeached. We report live in The Medium production room.

The impeachment efforts were started by Opinions Editor and former Editor-

in-Chief Kiran Subramanian. He states, “Brendan Haas is a person I truly care about. I care for his well-being. However, recent actions have led me to spearhead this movement. I hope Brendan can fully recover and fully realize the wrongs that he has committed.”

The only article of impeachment in this case: Brendan claimed that Pirate

Subramanian argues that Haas’s defense of Pirate 101 over Wizard 101 constitutes an act of treason and a high crime. Subramanian is not alone in this movement. Co-News Editor Faith McNaughton was among the first supporter. “I ran a poll on my Instagram regarding this issue. I was shocked to learn that our beloved Editor-in-Chief supported Pirate 101 over

afraid. No matter how many spells I cast, no matter how much we try to assimilate by learning about spaghetti and public buses, it is impossible to hide our cloaks and hats. I am terrified. I wear nail polish and a pair of Beats headphones to fit in as I roam.”

The bottom of the page was smeared with blood, and the writer is unknown, lost in a sea of thousands. As the magical hordes flee south, few can predict what their intentions are.

Wizard 101. These revelations were too shocking to stay silent. I knew the Rutgers community deserved to know what just happened.” McNaughton further praised the impeachment efforts stating, “As a homeowner in Wizard 101, I am relieved to see that someone is finally addressing his [Brendan’s] crimes.”

Jade Zack, Personals Editor, former candidate for Editorin-Chief, and founder of the Fuck Brendan party, echoes McNaughton’s sentiments. “When these leaks came out, and I saw the brave work that our editorial staff has taken, I had to be an ally. This impeachment effort is a slay!” We reached out for a comment from Brendan Haas, but all we got from him was the following statement: “I prefer the theming. It’s the same game with a different coat of paint.”

Brendan Haas

Treasuer

Mascot

Human Resources

Copy Editors

Najaah Yousef

Long-Island Medium

Dr. H.R. Hickenbottom

Kiran Subramanian

John Mahoney

Kristina Patel

Jade Zack

Aquarius

ABRACADABRA, BITCH.

“I am very tired and we are only two weeks into the semester.”

Top 10 Things That Happened to Me in Spain

By: Hugh Janus

1. I got hit on in the club with the worst pickup line in the world. Some guy literally held a Pokemon card up to my face and expected it to work. AND HE WAS SHORTER THAN ME (I'm already pretty short so I am sure you can imagine how mortifying it was)

2. I asked someone who was wearing sunglasses in the club how they could see, to which they responded in Spanish and I pretended to understand everything, so I just nodded and said “Sí” and then left. I was stone-cold sober.

3. I had to get ID’d at the supermarket to buy wine. I had to pull out my passport because it was the first thing I saw. The cashier literally thought I was younger than 18.

4. I threw up in the back of an Uber because I pre-gamed too hard in Madrid. I vomited in my shirt because I didn't want to vomit all over the Uber obviously. The recovery day was real and then I went out again the night after kekekeke.

5. I saw a really scary man at the club who would hover over my friend group. I think I threw ass on him at one point. He had eyebrows that made him look really angry, but then he started throwing ass so I guess he wasn't that angry.

6. I went out the night before my early morning flight and was actually deceased by the time I got on the plane. I also almost missed my flight because I fell asleep at the airport.

7. I got called a “dumb American” after going home from bar hopping.

8. I microwaved eggs for 3 days because my stove was not working. (Yes all my friends shit on me for this.)

9. I got absolutely trashed every other night. I mean I was averaging two to three drinks a night most days. My liver is in pain.

10. Some guy from California tried to buy me and a friend drinks, but he was like 30 years old and thought it was okay to hit on 20-yearolds. Safe to say he did not buy us drinks. I also think he lied about being from California because he sounded like a cowboy.

SZA SZA SZA SZA SZA SZA SZA SZA SZA SZA

I Have a Bone to Pick with Ticketmaster

By: A Very Poor Girlie

I'm so past all the Taylor drama, so why am I complaining about Ticketmaster now? Well I have two answers for you. First, I honestly don’t give two shits about Taylor. Yeah her music slays and I live for the folklore/evermore era, but I really don’t vibe with her music all that much. And B, I am talking about my experience with getting SZA tickets. Now, I only recently became a SZA girlie but that doesn’t mean that I would not die for her. SOS is one of the greatest albums to exist and I will not let anyone criticize this masterpiece. I wanted tickets to her SOS tour and, unfortunately, the presale was happening through the devil’s site: Ticketmaster.

I wake up at 9:30 a.m., which is not uber-early but a girlie likes to sleep in when she goes to sleep at 3:00 a.m. Then I log into my brandnew account solely made to get these tickets. I then get into the queue, or at least TRY to get in because I needed to be sent a code to get in. Fine, I understand that you need to assert your dominance one more time, whatever, but if you tell me that you are going to send me a code, THEN FUCKING SEND ME THE CODE. I hit that resend button at least 7 times and I got my first code after 5 minutes… when the presale already started. So now I log in and find myself at place 2000+ in the queue. I eventually get into the ticket page and select the first available option that wasn’t going to make me more broke than I already am. This process repeats for the next 15 minutes because NO MATTER WHAT I CLICKED ON APPARENTLY ANOTHER FAN ALREADY GOT TO IT.

I mean they should know that there is gonna be a lot of high traffic during these presales so why tf did it take me 15 MINUTES TO GET THE FUCKING PRESALE CODE AFTER I WAS ALREADY IN THE QUEUE?! As from the wise mouth of Kelly Kapoor, “if I had created a website with this many issues I would have unalived myself.” CEO of Ticketmaster will be my enemy for all eternity. Moral of the story is: don’t have fun because if you do, you’ll end up spending all your money on seats that aren’t even good enough :’).

COME TO LSC ROOM 201 AB AT 7 P.M. TO LEARN MORE ABOUT SZA AND MY TIME IN SPAIN, OR FOR A DRAMATIC READING OF A FANFIC THAT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN PUBLISHED.

What are your thoughts on the Impeachment of Brendan Haas?

"It is with the heaviest of hearts that I must not only move to impeach..."

Kyle Sabin

- His name is Kyle

-Kyle's back at it again

I'M A FAN OF NASCAR; AND SO IS BRENDAN

These Impeachment Hearings are Complete Bullshit

BY CARLOS DOMENECH

*Hrah*. Listen. I’m going to be honest with you-the impeachment hearing against Brendan Haas won’t stick. Brendan is in bed with the big interest groups that control The Medium. He’s been fucking with Big Porn, the Uzbeckistani Government, and NASCAR.

Even if Kiran (who I love to bits) attempts to get Brendan Häagen-Dazs impeached he will not be successful. Besides, why is this even an issue? Brendan has been doing a fine job. From collaborating with The Medium Man to get The Medium into the Bed Races, to the new racks that are going to be at the student centers, this man has transformed this satire paper founded in 1970 into a behemoth on campus.

Now, there is a growing reader base, writer base, and we are no longer basic.

Brendan Haas has made this paper significantly better and I think that Kiran is just salty that he was outvoted for being Editor-in-Chief. This witch hunt is fucking bullshit and I don’t even get it.

I don’t even give a shit about this, Kiran’s been harassing me for this and I just have to write this horseshit.

I don’t care, I’m going to graduate anyway and never have to think about this fuckin paper again! I am so fucking tired and have a throbbing headache.

I'VE NEVER SEEN BRENDAN AND GOD TOGETHER?

A Statement From The Medium Man

BY THE MEDIUM MAN

I have strived to uphold the values of The Medium. As the eternal symbol of the funniest paper at Rutgers, it is my duty to make sure that the paper is serving the Rutgers community. However, with these allegations against Brendan Haas, I no longer feel that he is able to uphold the important duty of being Editor-in-Chief.

I worked with Brendan Haas, I loved Brendan Haas. Simply put, Brendan Haas was like a brother to me; I loved him like a brother. I trusted him to push me down Sicard Street during the bed races. But now, he’s mutated into a grotesque monster, a shell of what he once was.

Now, Brendan Haas is my sworn enemy. His love for Pirates 101 has completely changed my perspective. I know what I must do. I have to defeat Brendan Haas.

This task is not going to be easy. I am definitely going to need allies in this fight. This might constitute the reawakening of Brower Man. Perhaps Sir Henry can come to my aid in this trying times.

All I know is that this task is not going to be easy. I know that Kiran, Jade, and the rest of the Fuck Brendan party are working hard to dethrone Brendan Haas from within the organization. However, mere legalised and soft-core power porn is not going to stop him. To take down a tyrant, force is necessary.

I will do whatever it take to bring peace, freedom, justice, and security to The Medium.

BRENDAN DOESN'T LIKE SPRINGS OR TRAPS

A Statement from the Fuck Brendan Party

BY JADE ZACH

My opinions on Brendan being impeached are strong. I knew something was off with Brendan Haas. From the day he strolled into The Medium with his white boy swagger and hatred of the Five Nights at Freddy’s franchise, his erratic behaviors were clear. He attacked the then-Editor-in-Chief over his love of the Five Nights at Freddy’s and further expressed his hatred towards the Editor-in-Chief by saying that he hates many aspects of law enforcement, including lawyers. Seeing that the former Editor-in-Chief wanted to be a lawyer, Brendan hurting his feelings was truly disappointing.

Seeing all these injustices, and these anti-slays, I knew something had to be done. Prior to the 2022 Fall elections, I founded the Fuck Brendan party in hopes that his reign of terror would be stopped. Seizing on these elections as a way to speak to the masses regarding the crimes against humanity Brendan Haas has committed, I decided to announce my run for Editor-in-Chief.

Even though I had the votes to get rid of Brendan Haas, I took pity on The Medium’s underground basement grifter and gladly stepped down. Some question my decision to do this, but I know that the Fuck Brendan party has to play the long game. No longer are we going to just focus on capturing the Editor-in-Chief position, but now we are going to fundamentally transform this paper. Now, the Fuck Brendan Haas party is committed to having his injustices finally come to light.

With the recent allegations about Brendan Haas’s support of Pirates 101, I know that this is the tip of the iceberg to revealing all of Haas’s injustices. This impeachment is going to be a massive slay.

"'Editor in Chief's note- I have no idea what they're talking about."

"...my Co-Editor-In-Chief, but also put him on trial" Sabin, Kyle

- This is indeed Kyle

"...for the murder of my heart."

Kyle Sabin, Co-Editor-in-Chief

themedium.submissions@gmail.com

ARTS EDITOR INTRODUCTION BY ZZIRM (ME) (LITERALLY ME)

ARTS

“I don't respect League players.”

HI I AM NEW NICE TO MEET YOU. I HAVE WORMS IN MY BRAIN. DO YOU WANT TO HEAR A RIDDLE? OK IT'S NOT REALLY A RIDDLE... IT'S KIND OF MORE LIKE A GENERAL QUESTION BUT DO YOU SENSE A THEME ON THIS PAGE ITS PRETTY HARD TO TELL. DON'T LOOK AT MY XRAY DOC. ANYWAYS NICE TO MEET YOU, I'M ZZIRM. ANYONE WANT TO FIVE STACK ON VAL? I'M NOT MISOGYNISTIC, I HAVE A MOM. LOVE YOU MOM <3.

MEDIUM MEETINGS LSC 201 AB THIS WEDNESDAY AT 7:00 P.M!!!!!!!!!!!

RAVEN AND HARE BY NICK ZYSMAN

Impeach

What happened to the last Personals editor? How the actual fuck did you get this position?

(He died XD. More importantly, I say good riddance. Now there is more chaotic female gay energy. Last semester, I was in charge of the Arts page, but now I get to put my terrible thoughts into words. And as to your second question, just like how I got the Arts editor position, no one opposed me for this position. But I’d like to think that no one opposed me because I am so intimidating as a 5’2” woman. So please prepare yourself for one amazing semester of truly interesting things on this page. The Co-Editors-in-Chief like to think that they have power over what I put here, but I actually have power over them. I could have been sole Editor-in-Chief, but I would have been too powerful and I am too lazy to have that much power, so I decided to let other people win… this time. I have to write more things to make up the word count so here are more words. Toodles!)

How much dick could dis dick dick if dis dick could dis dick?

(Yes.)

If I put my pussy in boots, does that mean I can call it “Puss In Boots”?

(No, this is a very offensive stereotype to America’s greatest hero. You need to watch the new Dreamworks movie to understand the good he has done for this generation. I'm seeing it this Wednesday at the Rutgers Cinema.)

Why is my burn bleeding pus?

(Now if you asked this question, you may have been stupid enough to pour boiling hot water over your hand because you were distracted by my graceful beauty. Do not fret, this happens to the best of us. If this happens, make sure to run your hand under warm water and gradually cool the water temperature down to prevent blistering and even discharge. Also, this is completely real advice. A nerd who was once a Boy Scout told me this. Trust the nerd.)

Word of the Week:

Fanfiction

Is there a correlation between being Secretary and ass growth?

(According to findings in recent studies, researchers have found that ass growth is positively correlated with secretarial duties. A correlational study between The Medium’s previous secretary, Carlos Domeneck, and The Medium’s current secretary, Kristina, was recently conducted and the results are quite shocking. As we all know, the legendary Domenitch has the fattest ass in all the land–self-reports and peer-reports show that this peach seemed to have accelerated growth throughout the fulfillments of Secretary duties over the years. Now, as she begins her new secretary position, the new Madame Secretary has begun to report some new developments in her derriere. When she first got the position, her ass was sitting at a meager 0.01 km (yes, kilometers), but in her first month of being a secretary, there has been a whopping 200% increase in assness. We cannot conclude causation yet, but we'll keep you posted. If next semester's secretary can't fit on an LX bus, we'll have our answer. Toodaloo, besties!)

Why does my "friend" keep asking me about my dad? (Because she wants to fuck your dad. And honestly, so do the rest of us.)

FLASHBACK TO VERDUN- A GREAT PHOTOSHOPPER

Something that you can read on Music. It is about a really great ship. Read it.

Wednesday, February 1st, 2023

"Dis dick ain’t free" themedium.submissions@gmail.com

“Jizz”- Denzel Curry Shrock Is Love, Shrock Is Life

Interesting Denzel Curry Lyrics

By Nick Zysman

Denzel Curry is a rapper from Florida who has been releasing music since 2011 when he was 16. In 2016, his popularity greatly increased when his song “Ultimate” became a meme on Vine and YouTube. Throughout his long career, he has had some interesting lyrics. Here are some of them:

“That’s me at my lowest, no Peter Griffin”- CASH MANIAC | CAZH MAN1AC

“Surfboard body ass boy with your fish tits”- Lay_ Up.m4a

“I’m watchin’ massacres turn to runnin’ mascara, but anywho”- Walkin

“Out of my league, you Pee-Wee (What?)”- SUMO | ZUMO

“Puttin' jizz in the food chain (Okay)”- Ice Age

“Jizz boss (Skeet it)/ Make her drink the cum sauce (Skeet it)”- Ice Age

“Cur-Cur-Cur-Curry the killer, the [AfricanAmerican friend], call me Jizzila”- Ice Age

“Just keep it pimpin’, my [African-American friend], so Jizzwalk (Get it!)”- Ice Age

“Chopper eat a [African-American friend] like Chowder (Yeah)/ Rada-rada-rada-rada-rada (Okay)”- SUMO | ZUMO

“As I constantly try to evolve just like a Togepi”ONCE UPON A TIME (FREESTYLE)

“I am Jesus with a blacker penis, that is fucking genius/ Who said Jesus can't be a black guy?/ Even Luke Skywalker's father was on the dark side”Story: No Title

“This game like Home Depot/ Bitch, they got keys, hoes, and hammers (For the low, for the low)”X-Wing

“Got hella hoes like a home depot so you already know/ I gotta keep that hammer”- Captain Sea Fonk

“I'm a dick and y'all [African-American friend]s is feminist, put the ill in the Iliad”- Bloodshed

Drain Gang For Life

Top 10 Songs of 2022

By Frasier Drane

Chapter 1: Shrocked Out Of Heaven

By Average AO3 Writer

Playlist of the Week

*Note: this story starts in 2001 because I didn’t realize how old The Rock was. Who was going to tell me this man is 50 YEARS OLD?!*

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has everything he could want in life and more: he’s rich, famous, good-looking, a successful murderer, and still hasn’t gotten canceled for so much weird shit he’s said. "What more could he ask for?” says a celebrity news reporter on a TV in the distance.

“Love," The Rock sighs to himself one day in the middle of his set of 1,000 jump squats. That’s right, The Rock wants to fall in love. Well, to be more clear, he wants the only person he has ever been in love with to love him back. Despite all of the success he’s had in his life, his one true love never returned his feelings.

Did he ever confess his love? Well, not exactly. Let’s be honest, the most The Rock has ever done to confess these feelings is watch and admire his crush from a distance, giggling to himself at night thinking about brief eye contact or an accidental brushing of shoulders. But his love still grows more each day he hears anything about a certain brown-eyed beauty.

“It’s not fair,” The Rock says aloud. “Every character that I play is a confident sex-master but the real me can’t even confess his love to a crush he’s had for over 10 years!” He puts his headphones on full blast and sings “Love Story (Taylor's Version)” at the top of his lungs. This is his daily routine. He’s so down bad. How did things get so bad? Let’s go back to 1991 to where it all started.

The Rock was still a rising star wrestler when he went on a trip to Le Marais, as the locals called it. He wanted to get his mind off of things for a while, as a young pebble does, and felt a trip to the middle of nowhere with no one around would help. But that’s the problem, he wasn’t alone. One morning, Dwayne went for a long run and found himself ending at a cute cottage. He took off his shirt (as most gross men do) since he was covered in sweat and sat down on a log. Closing his eyes, he fell asleep until a shadow loomed over him and woke him up. “What the bloody hell arrre yer doin in me swamp, boy?” asked the shadow.

“Obviously I’m resting my hot bod-,” replied Dwayne as he opened his eyes (yeah, he had a pretty big ego back then too). The next words were cut short as he saw the not-so-shadow. He was gorgeous. A sexy lumberjack type who only has muscles out of necessity. A rugged body carved from the harsh woods he seemed to embody.

The hotty hummed in agreeance as he looked over The Rock’s half-naked figure that was still dripping in sweat. “You can say that again. I like myself a thick big boy,” he said looking straight at Dwayne’s member, which had started to strain against his running shorts.

Finally realizing why he wanted to take the trip in the first place, without thinking, Dwanye responds, “I’ll let you be top if you tell me your name.”

“Only if you whisper it into my butthole,” Mr. Lumberjack says. “It’s Shrek.” Yep. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was in love with Shrek.

1. “The Flag Is Raised” by Bladee & Ecco2k

2. “5 Star Crest (4 Vattenrum)” by Bladee & Ecco2k

3. “White Meadow” by Bladee & Ecco2k

4. “Faust” by Bladee & Ecco2k

5. “Yeses (Red Cross)” by Bladee & Ecco2k

6. “Desire Is a Trap” by Bladee & Ecco2k

7. “Chaos Follows” by Bladee & Ecco2k

8. “Girls just want to have fun” by Bladee & Ecco2k

9. “Heaven Sings” by Bladee & Ecco2k

10. “Pushin P” by Gunna & Future ft. Young Thug

Your Favorite Pornstar Couldn't Mount A Greased Up Pole Like An Eagles Fan

Super Bowl

LVII: Brother Vs Brother.

Kelce vs. Kelce

Hi Mr. Strawberry. We Love You.

The Lakers Suck and That Makes Me Happy

REST IN POWER NAILS. REMEMBERING LENNY DYKSTRA

traumatizing.” Another time was when he had a contest with teammate John Kruk on who could gain the most weight during the 1992 season. Lenny won by gaining 38 pounds.

Lenny was always the hardestworking man on the field at anything. An example of this was when Dykstra attempted blackmail by hiring private investigators to follow umpires around, abusing his findings at the plate to compel them to let him walk.

He has had numerous run-ins with the law through his retirement, including when he was accused of paying an escort with a bad check. Another time, he stole a pizza delivery man’s car because the driver forgot his 2-liter bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper. The car was later found halfway into the Los Angeles river.

10 Weeks Until The United States Football League!

Only

BY DOGMEAT JONES

1963-2023

With a heavy heart, I am pained to say that Lenny Dykstra, former Major League Baseball player for the Mets and Phillies, passed away over the weekend at the age of 59. Dykstra suffered from a fatal heart attack while receiving a lap dance from three strippers.

I could list his achievements from his career, such as how he was a

One Page This Time. What A Relief

three-time all-star that won the World Series in 1986 with the Mets. However, that would do injustice an injustice to how much of a character Mr. Dykstra, also known as Nails, was.

An example of what kind of character he was was when Lenny played with Darryl Strawberry; Lenny claimed that Darryl, “Was hung like a swamp mule. He had a hammer from hell. It was

There is one more instance that I want to mention: In 2020, Dykstra filed a defamation lawsuit against former teammate Ron Darling. The suit was dismissed when the judge said that Dykstra’s reputation was so terrible, that he could not be slandered legally. I bring this up because I cannot be sued for all the lies that I have written about Lenny in this article. An instance of this is that Lenny isn’t dead and is completely fine. I have written 6 truths and 4 lies; see if you can figure out which are which. And if Lenny does find this, I mean no harm. Love you, Nails.

The Best Sports Quote of All Time

BY JOHN MAHONEY

Most sports writing sucks. In the hierarchy of professional journalism, sports writers are only above listicle and BuzzFeed writers in the amount of respect given to them by their contemporaries. The reason for this disrespect is that such as rumors and opinions, which are not allowed in other disciplines of journalism, thrive in sports writing. The other reason is that most sports writing is just plain boring.

Now, in defense of sports writers and writing, one of the motives

behind this disparity is that sports writers are working with very little in the way of information from athletes. Professional sports is a multi-billion-dollar industry that wants to avoid controversy at all costs, requiring athletes to be very unforthcoming when talking to the media. With this tight-lipped attitude, sports writers are left to report rumors for content when organizations won’t tell them anything.

So, with all of this understood, it is one of the greatest things when some in the sports world tell the

media what they are thinking, completely uncensored. The best example of this was in March 2013, when Pat Riley was the team president of the Miami Heat. The Heat was in the second year of winning back-to-back NBA championships with their big three, consisting of Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, and LeBron James.

Danny Ainge, a former player, and current executive for the Celtics, said on the radio that it was “almost embarrassing” that LeBron would complain about officiating during a Heat loss to the Bulls.

In response to this insult brought against his star player. Pat Riley, the 68-year-old executive of an organization worth $2.3 billion, made an official statement to the media through the Heat, responding:

“Danny Ainge needs to shut the fuck up and manage his own team. He was the biggest whiner when he was playing, and I know that because I coached against him.” Wouldn’t this make sports pages be so much better? God, my job would just be fucking fabulous.

LeBron Says It's On Sight With NBA Referees