LOCAL STUDENT FALLS IN LOVE RUTGERS WI-FI

BY MICHELLE C. HAWKE IN LOVE WITH THE HIGH PING

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, love filling the air, flowers being purchased in obscene quantities, and reports of STD rates flying through the roof once more, rumors have spread of a couple students on campus that have, for a variety of reasons, grown attracted to the college wi-fi. Some experts have suggested that it is a form of objectum-sexuality towards wireless internet with a still unexplained origin. Furthermore the attraction in question is, at least so far, only known to be present in Rutgers-New Brunswick, with at least two recorded cases, the first arising from a rather questionable case of public indecency on Busch. [Hey? Hey, what are you doing, I’m working on this paper, you can’t just come in here and interrupt my work! Are you fucking cra-] look I don't care how flawed the wireless internet is i don't care how often it has failed me in my numerous valorant matches i don’t care if it fails on me in the middle of my finals I know it will always

Birds

be there for me i love this wifi so fucking much you have no fucking idea

[No, you’re absolutely right, I really don’t have any fucking idea. How the fuck can you be attracted to-] SHUT UP IT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING TO HAVE

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Swiping On Tinder

Since 1970

SOMEONE PLEASE BE MY VASELINE

I MEANT TO SAY VALENTINE tears, with one claiming that their “Minions” valentine smelled like “(my) mother’s perfume, the one she wore before the day she left us, like chamomile, bergamot, and thick melancholy,” she continued “I remember this forgotten smell fondly, but the memory it tore from my psyche stings like a gunshot wound to the torso.” A remark that came up multiple times in classrooms across the countries was “I miss something that I can’t quantify. I’m reminded of an intangible happiness, but the joy I feel is so sore, like I’ve found love in a purer form than I have in years, yet it serves as a reminder that it’s not truly replicable and this access is temporary.”

RUTGERS

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Some speculated that this production error wasn’t an error at all, but a daring move to make consumers really feel something for the first time in years. When announcing the recall of the valentines, Illumination and Universal Pictures stated simply, “Uhhhh this is awkward mmm oopsie doopsie uuhhhh… remember Lunchables???”