GOVERNOR MURPHY PROUDLY ENGAGES IN
LX BangladeshSurpassesBus As Densest Place On The NextAppReadingLifeManConsumptionTooStudent'sCollegePlanetBeerFoamyForTheGreatBritishBakingShowReturns(FuckYeah!)SuffersMid-CrisisAfterNewsNotificationWeek: The Medium To Interview Lil Nas LocalX FacebookRepublicanReplacedSupremeOrBeForcedLeagueVaccineForLaidDoesn'tManGetEnoughMonkeypoxPlayerToEitherHomophobicRacistCourtByGroup
LUL Since 1970 Shitposting On Print QUICKIES *PUBLISHED WEEKLY
FELLATIO WITH MAN FOR PRIDE MONTH
BY PADDY O'MALLEY WATCHING QUEEN LIZ
MEMES NOT POURING ONE OUT FOR QUEEN LIZZY
BY DARREN S. DICKSON CURRENTLY PACKING on Page 2 on Page 2
This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18. VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX September 21st, 2022 $6.99 A LITTLE EGGPLANT PARM IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
Continued
former Republican gubernatorial candidate Jack Ciatrelli responded critically to the Governor’s actions, stating that “if I elected Governor, I vow to only receive head from bossy Italian-American women”. Murphy’s decision marks a rapid change from the Christie
Beaming in front of his family, Governor Phil Murphy has announced at a press conference that in recognition of LGBTQ+ Pride Month, he has engaged in fellatio with another man he met off of popular gay hookup app, Grindr. News outlets have identified that the man in question is local Trenton hairdresser, Ben Dover, 37, who first took the Governor out to dinner at local Italian restaurant, La Familia. Waiters, speaking with anonymity, suggest that over the course of the dinner, Dover suggested that they “go back to my place and watch something”. At Dover’s residence, Phil Murphy received what sources close to the Governor’s office describe as “pretty great
QUEEN'S DEAD,
Continued
It Looks Like A Isopod! I Don't Like It!
head” before the Governor left late that night. New Jersey politicians have both praised and criticized the Governor alike, with New Jersey Democratic Senator Cory Booker saying that “we finally have a governor of New Jersey willing to actually do something for gay rights in the Garden State”, while
taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to
The be the slow
death of monarchies. Editorial Staff Fall 2022 Kyle Dr.Long-IslandAmitBrendanSabinHaasOfekMediumH.R.Hickenbottom News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor Carlos JohnAriKiranKristinaDomenechPatelSubramanianGottesmanMahoney Sports Editor Arts ResidentWebmasterSecretaryEditorDouche John Mahoney Jade PrinceJadeCarlosZackDomenechZackAndrew themedium.submissions@gmail.com HumanBusinessEditors-in-ChiefManagerMascotResources ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST INSERT WITTY QUEEN JOKE HERE WORSHIP THE INTERNSHIP
BY: SCHMITTY SCHMITT (NO RELATION) DEUS VULT, MOTHERFUCKER
The authorities reported that Schmitt showed no such proof, and that instead he kept showing a copy of the Bible, claiming it as the Pope’s businessPresidentcard.
Let them know the wicked witch is Ding-dong,dead the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch
of Rutgers University, Jonathan Holloway, made a short remark of the incident in a recent school-wide email: “As for the recent news of a student breaking into the Vatican, I am absolutely appalled and reject it as a representation of this university. A true member of Rutgers would not have committed such a horrible act upon the Pope, but instead would’ve done it to someone who is an actually useful connection, like Jeff Bezos or Barack Obama.” Schmitty Schmitt ended the interview discussing his apprehensiveness over his future. He expressed hope of not staying in prison, and excitement of an upcoming “wild ass networking opportunity,” referring to the second coming of Jesus Christ.
...continued
Correspondents John Doe, Jane Doe
able to get a fucking internship!” The beginning of summer dashed any hope, so in a distraught state, Schmitt turned to faith. “I wasn’t really a religious person before, but that experience really brought me closer to Catholicism.” Schmitt details that after waking up, before sleeping, and prior to any meal, he would recite a prayer to God, which was a quick elevator speech about himself, and a summary of his résumé. But when his plan wasn’t working, he decided to pivot. “So I realized… If you wanna work at Tesla, you don’t go straight to Papa Elon. You talk to a guy working for him.”
who identifies as a conservative Christian criticized the Governor, stating that “fellatio should only be given to a man by his wife while that man is looking at a photo of the Pope” and “shouldn’t happen between two men.” Questions still remain about what would have happened if the sexual encounter would have continued, such as would the Governor have topped or bottomed for Dover.
Last week, Schmitty Schmitt was arrested by the Gendarmerie Corp of Vatican City over intent to threaten a worldwide beloved figure, The Pope. However, in an exclusive phone interview with The Medium, Schmitt claims differently. “Yeah honestly I was just trying to network with the guy, maybe like, get his LinkedIn or some shit.”
Ding-dong, the wicked witch, is deadWake up, you sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed Wake up; the wicked witch is dead!She's gone where the goblins go below, below, below, yo ho
...continued from front HEY, SO IF YOU JUST HAPPEN TO BE PROCRASTINATING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO WRITE SOMETHING? WEDNESDAYTHEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COMNIGHTSAT8:00INLSCROOM109
Let's open up and sing and ring the bells
Let them know the wicked witch is dead.”
NEWS Wednesday, September 21st, 2022 "And In Goes Another White Man In Power."
FR THOUGH, I COULD EAT EGGPLANT PARM RN
Ding-dong!out the merry-o sing it high, sing it low
Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satirical publication and should never
Arriving in Vatican City, Schmitt hoped to secure a meeting with the Bishop of Rome during a tour. “I literally showed the guards absolute proof that the [Pope] wanted to meet me, and they still turned me away! I wasn’t gonna give up, so I made a break for it.”
MtheediuM
The 21 year old senior at Rutgers University expressed his frustration over the current job market: “Dude, I had experience as a Northwestern Mutual intern, and I still wasn’t
“Ding-dong, the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wickedDing-dong,witch the wicked witch, is deadWake up, you sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed Wake up; the wicked witch is dead!She's gone where the goblins go below, below, below, yo ho
Let's open up and sing and ring the bells Ding-dong!out the merry-o sing it high, sing it low
era, when former Republican Governor Chris Christie ran on a platform of never receiving oral sex from another man. New Jersey public opinion is largely split, as many support Gay and Queer rights in the Garden State, but are uncomfortable with the fact that as far as the public knows so far, the Governor did not reciprocate oral sex with Dover. Local South Orange, NJ resident Anita Dump speaking to the Medium, said that “although his stance on gay rights is a welcome change from previous governors” his unwillingness to engage Ben Dover in oral sex afterwards, “suggests a weakness in his governorship”. Bergen County resident Harry Cox,
INSERT ITALIAN FOOD JOKE HEREfrom front
RBS STUDENT INFILTRATES VATICAN TO NETWORK WITH POPE
Top 10 Things To Do After SyllabusWeek
At Gaycare, our trained professionals (other gay people) will look after and even train your gays! We have games, such as fashion police, where we look at the most recent red carpet and critique everything. We have field trips, such as going to the bins at goodwill. We have cooking classes where we teach our gays how to properly make a dirty chai. Anything and everything you may want from a gay environment we have here because if Rutgers won’t actually do it, then I will. And since this is a day care for the gays and by the gays, we are a completely nonprofit organization. So how do we make money? People love to give money to the gays (this is completely satire by the way… no one actually donates to the gays). But also, the gays are fluent in skills, so we would prob ably just steal from the rich to fund our daycare and pay our “teachers”.
I WILL KILL ALL THE LANTERN FLIES
do any of the work on the syllabusbecause it is still summer.
3. Sit at the student center and pretend to dowork but you’re really just people-watching.
4. Create a Google Calendar knowing that youwon’t follow it.
7. Get constipated.
RIP LEGEND XOXO
6. Sign up for a million clubs you know youwon’t go to at the involvement fair.
9. Spend all of your money within the first weekon Tacoria.
FEATURES MtheediuM“I love Malibu Barbie Paytas” Wednesday, September 21st, themedium.submissions@gmail.com2022
By:GaycareALocalTwink
forever Editor-in-Chief, Kelly Manniello, a super senior studying Animal Science died tragically last semester. Our queen died preventing a cow from performing autocunnilingus. To set the scene, Kelly was performing her duties on the Cook Farm when our deceased Editor-in-Chief saw the unforgivable, a cow trying to perform autocun nilingus.Wereached out to the cow that ended Kelly's human experience. “Man fuck that girl. I just wanted a good time. This was something that I’ve wanted to do for many years. But, this hoe wanted to prevent me from being the first organism to perform autocunnilingus (fact check: false).”Kelly Manniello is succeeded by Opal Sapphire, who, when reached out to for comment, said "I love that bitch. She served this club the best she could. Which was not very well. She might be missed, idk lol."
HELLO ALL, WELCOME BACK! COME TO OUR MEETINGS AT LSC109 WHERE WE WILL PLAY THE BEST SONG EVER. OR DON'T. THE SONG WILL FIND YOU EITHER WAY.
Yes, that’s right, Gaycare. Now, I know what you’re thinking, what the actual fuck is Gaycare? Well, it’s kin da in the name, dumbass. It’s a daycare for gay people. If you’re not grasping this idea because you are a real big idiot, think of it as a conversion therapy camp but the exact opposite.
10. Do #1 again because you still didn’t read thesyllabus.
1. Read the syllabus because you didn’t do it last2.week.Donot
5. Go home because you remembered howmuch you hate school.
8. Work out at the CAG.
RIP: Kelly Manniello
Our1999-2022beloved
By: Hugh Janus
WELCOME BACK BITCHES
So sharks, I’m asking for a $5 million investment for 1% stake in the Gaycare business… what do we think?
As we all know, gay people are quite impulsive, expen sive (name one gay person who hasn’t spent at least $50 every time they go thrifting), and reckless. As a gay woman myself, I know how hard this lifestyle is and how tiring it is to be left to my own devices every single day– I NEED someone to watch after me all day long. Which is why I have created the best idea you will ever hear in your entire life: Gaycare.
Everyone thinks they can get a high-paying job right out of school, but that's just wishful thinking. And there's no way you'll find a good job at the career fair. The fair exists to give out fake jobs to make the school look good. The only way to get a good job is through nepotism. If you want to make money, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. I did that, and that's how I got where I am today.
themedium.submissions@gmail.com"We're
The career fair serves as an opportunity for graduating students to find a job and practice interviewing before they leave this shithole. Many students dedicate much time to preparing for the fair. There are even classes and services to help them prepare. However, there’s one thing they won’t tell you about the career fair: YOU DIPSHITS ARE TOO WORTHLESS TO GET A JOB.
A college's job is to educate and prepare students for their careers. But, this is idealistic. In reality, colleges don't actually do this. The main job of colleges is to make money; whether or not you learn anything is purely irrelevant. Besides, they don't actually know how to teach. Even if colleges could educate students, it would be a waste on you dumb-dumbs. As long as you put in the bare amount of effort, schools are content with letting you graduate. This should be obvious since 90 percent of all majors sound made up. Like, what the fuck is "supply chain management"? All of this makes a college degree as valuable as the paper used to print it. So why would a company want to hire a person whose only school is going into debt?
The Weekly Bus Rant
Father Time, why do youdepart us? Our belovedQuinn has been declared deceased. We found Father Time dead from asphyxiation, with a plasticbag laying next to him.
MtheediuM Back Bitches"
Dumbass
You know? I’d like to be taken out to dinner– a little wine and dine– before I get FUCKED BY THESE GODDAMN BUSSES.
RIP:
But, you ask, James Cordon is a hairy rotund man! He can’t be a super twink! And I, dear reader, disagree! Because of the Law of Conservation of Mass, all the combined mass of the twinks became one James Cordon body, and all the hair on the top of the twinks’ heads, since the top of Cordon’s head ran out of room, migrated all over the rest of his body! I bet your mind is fucking blown, and you know what? I’ll blow other parts of you too.
WHY DOES THE LX BUS STILL EXIST?
Don't
Quinn has left The Medium, a paper thatis now astray and broken without him. WithQuinn exiting, time no longer has meaning,cows start committing autocunnilingus, andthe Personals Page is actually funny now.
BY OPAL SAPPHIRE QUINN VAN ES
I'm Back Bitches
1998-2022
BY: TYRANNOSAURUS SEX
OPAL IS BACK!
OPINIONS Wednesday, September 21st, 2022
—is what Kira Amethyst would’ve said if she were alive. But she’s not alive, since she spontaneously combusted because she hated Busch so much, and therefore you, dear reader, are getting me, Opal Sapphire, her older, and better, and adopted, twin sister by the same mother. She died as she lived though–hot and also screaming from pleasure. Anyway, I’m back, bitches, and I, Opal Sapphire, the Queen of Queefs, the Princess of Pussy, am ready to rant.
Fuck Rutgers. Fuck the busses. Fuck the LX. Fuck everything.
YOU'RE TOO DUMB TO GET A JOB ANYWAY Worry About the Career Fair
So you know how James Cordon is spiritually gay? Like he’s married to a woman, and I’m sure he believes that he’s straight, but… I propose, with my super scientific mind, that if James Cordon were gay (and we’re not sure he’s not), he wouldn’t be a bear, but instead a bunch of twinks rammed so close together that they became one super twink. I’m the most chemical engineer ever, I know.
RIP: FATHER TIME
When I went away for the summer, I had thought that Rutgers would be able to fix their bus system problem in 3 months. It’s not that hard to take some of the money that we pay as tuition and use it to solve actual student problems instead of just giving the football team a DoorDash free-for-all. But oh boy was I wrong.
Not ONCE in the past 2 weeks that we’ve been on campus have I made it to my destination in a calm state. First I have to fight for my life, shoving and elbowing people, to get in the fucking line for the bus. Then I have to force my way onto the bus, and finally, because I will never be able to get a seat, I have to somehow develop a perfect vestibular system to not fall flat on my face. But that’s not even the worst of it! I don’t know who sent out a school-wide email to everyone except me saying that it’s ok to not wear deodorant or shower, but if we’re gonna hotbox the bus with your disgusting B.O., I would like to know beforehand. I am truly considering spending all my money on the veos just to get to class on time. Do better Rutgers.
BY: HENRY "THE HAMMER" RIZZOLI
We will always rememberQuinn Van Es as Father Time, the keeper of secrets,former Editor-in-Chief and Opinions Editor, and the lover of a good assand a nice pair of tits. All-knowing, Quinnwas able to answer every question regardingphotoshop and InDesign. His beautiful baldhead shined like the sun, illuminating ourproduction room when all the lights wouldgo out due to the Livingston Student Centershoving us into the closet.
ARTSWednesday, September 21st, 2022 “You can feast upn my yeast.” MtheediuMthemedium.submissions@gmail.com SELF PORTRAIT BY TWINK GOT ON THE WEEKEND ONE BUS, TOLD HER I WANT TO FUCK HER. ER! THEN SHE GAVE ME SOME GOOD HEAD, DID THAT SHIT LIKE A TRUCKER. IF YOU HAVE ANY GOOD LYRICS, PLEASE COME TO LSC ROOM 109, WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00 PM :) I'M WRITING A SONG...WILL BE RELEASED SOON, STAY TUNED I HATE ANDREW TATE BY A WOMAN MOUSE AND GROUSE BY CLEE TORRESMALIBU BARBIE? MORE LIKE LIZZIE'S REINCARNATION. TRISHA PAYTAS DOES IT AGAIN BY GABBIE HANNA
Where has The Medium been? It feels like it's been at least 4 months since the last article. something from someone? a
On the other end of the spectrum, I am hopeful Maisam will be able to recover. She seems talented in her own right, but the pressure of such a prestigious baking environment clearly got to her. If she has to choke it out by skating along with the bottom like series 10's Rosie and Henry, so be it, but I'm hopeful she has her time to Finally,shine.Sandro has proven to be quite the formidable contender, with the added benefit of being so fucking hot holy shit.)
(Love is difficult for normal people. Thankfully, you have a board certified (p/b) ussy crusher here to help. People are often looking for a partner who is genuine, honest, and original. I recommend finding someone in your life who is all of these things, and imitating them relentlessly. If you need an extra boost of confidence, try being more attractive or interesting. Hope this helps.
pictures.
costume.)aroundthatorsubmissions@gmail.comthemedium.byhandingthemtoguywhorollerbladescampusinabanana
Believe
(For most people, the origins and controversy are irrelevant. Summer break is a time for fun away from school, from publishing weekly news, from responsibility. It's a time to catch up with friends and family, to go on vacation, or to just kick back and relax. For all of us here at the Medium, these past few months have given us a chance to fuck your mom.
You
In recent years, the concept of summer break has come under scrutiny. Many claim that the extended gap leads to a "brain drain" where in time spent away from learning is time spent losing. Others claim summer break only still exists as an excuse to spend less on education. Paying teachers for two or three extra months is expensive, and much of the country's schools would have to have air conditioning updated or installed to begin with in order to combat the summer heat.)
Submit
"There are at least 12 differences in these How many can you find?"
n. A loss of hope or a loss of my seat in Bio 116 please dude I’m not sure if you read this paper but you gotta give me my seat back I can’t actually get into my major until I pass this class come on dude work with me please!
(The Personals page is un der new management. For further questions, please contact 848-932-7385 be tween the hours of 8:30am and 4:00pm. We hope you have a great day.)
I
Want More Content? Get Free Grubhub Here! Want More Medium? Want More of The Medium? Got Anger Issues? We Can Help!
MtheediuM
For the uninitiated, summer break (commonly referred to as summer vacation) is the several month gap between the end of the spring semester and beginning of the fall semester, so called because it falls during the majority of the summer months. The origin of summer break is believed to date back several centuries. As the story goes, the wealthy elite of the time would pull their children out of school during the hottest months of the year, when the poorly ventilated school buildings could reach unsafe temperatures. Rather than continuing their education during this time, their families would take them farther north to summer homes in cooler climates.
Desperation
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
personal ad to submissions@gmail.com!themedium.
If found, please drop the class dude I just dropped it for like a second because my advisor said I didn't need it but when I got back it was gone and it was only like 5 minutes so you had to have been at you computer when it happened so you must have known something was off and I know add drop is over but I spoke to the professor and they said they'd make an exception
-Dr. Johnson PenisHD)
Need
Best -Personalregards.Lee)(Youshouldgo
Wednesday, September 21th, 2022
in the Livingston Student Center every Wednesday night from 8:00pm to 9:00pm for our weekly pitch meetings. You can also send us articles and other content at
PERSONALS
Hey there. I saw this su per cute redhead the other day. They were super fun ny and cute and just an all around chill person, but I didn’t have the courage to talk to them. How do I get over myself and ask some one out?
Lost: My seat in Bio 116
Hey! You write differently from last year, what gives?
While we pride ourselves on high quality issues published on a near to weekly basis, we unfortunately do not release content from the month of May through the month of August. This gap is observed in accordance with Rutgers University's summer break.
to room 109
(Great question! Of the baker's dozen, there's 4 that stand out to me. My two front runners going into week 1 also happened to be the two frontrunners this week: Janusz and Syabira. While the star beaker and runner up are not as overtly talented out of the gate as last year's Giuseppe and Jürgen, or series 9's Apex Bakemaster Rahul, they both display an impresive amount of skill in baking, palette, and design. Furthermore, I just find the two of them relentlessly endearing.
Word of the Week:
Week one of Bake Off just finished. Who are you rooting for so far?
(What a great question!
I was thinking about joining The Medium, but how?
8:30 PM: Two Dollar Tuesdays with the chancellor #bestiefortherestie.
11:50 PM: After a busy day, Zaddy Zolloway brushes his teeth with the football bristle brush, and falls asleep, ready to do it all again at 3 am.
Do you you think you can
5:00 PM: Writes "That Holloway dude is pretty neat, I like his glasses" on YikYak AND RU Missed Connections, just to see who agrees with him.
9:15 PM: Panicked, at home, phone in rice, not turning on, but a sign of relief washes over him when his phone lights up with an insta dm notification from Sir Henry that says "U up?" That 9:30rascal.PM:
rude bastard. If
This Article is long but it's fucking funny! What I Think Jonathan Holloway's Daily Routine Is Like Based On Meeting Him One Time
Jonathan Holloway sleeps for 3 hours, from midnight to 3 AM. He has evolved past the need for a full night's sleep.
8:00 PM: Back to beast mode, lantern bugs cry out for mercy but no one will hear their futile
MtheediuMPAGE A7Wednesday, September 21st, 2022 "Doing two pages is not fucking easy"themedium.submissions@gmail.com
11:45 PM: Blows a kiss to his poster of Lord Snipp, a lobster that was pinned to a tree After a king Neptune night many moons ago. He is a sort of patron saint now. Holloway wishes upon him for good fortune.
8:15pleasPM:
PM: Meditates to an audio recording of the whirring air conditioner of an LX bus.
Finally beats his wife at scrabble. They've had a competition going on for weeks and it was kind of freaking him out that he has a PhD and couldn't win a game of Scrabble. WHAT WAS IT ALL FOR? THE DISSERTATIONS, THE THESES, ALL SHOT TO HELL BY A BOARD
By: Banksy Raritan
9-5: (office)
10:00GAME.PM: Orders late DoorDash dinner to celebrate his Scrabble win for 500 of his Closest friends.10:30-11:30
6-7 PM: date night with the wife. He covers up the leech with an elbow patch suit. They walk around Passion Puddle in contemplative yet appreciative silence, then get ice cream from Thomas Sweet.
you think a page of a newspaper should have more than one article? Well fuck off
Bake some R shaped cookies because why not?
3:00 AM: He wakes up to his alarm: a glee club recording of On the Banks of the Old Raritan He then proceeds to chant RU RAH RAH in the mirror until 8 AM, or until his voice gives out 8:00 AM: He brushes his pearlescent teeth using a toothbrush made of Rutgers football tickets, shredded down to fine bristles. His breakfast is a strong dose of scarlet spirit (pom poms on a 8:30plate).AM:
Zaddy Holloway gets a workout in by rollerblading up and down the Brower ramp, using freshmen as obstacle cones to bob and weave around. It toughens them up.
9:00 PM: Omg Omg BeReal you guys. He takes a BeReal with the bartender; his phone accidentally lands in a pitcher.
Reads himself a convocation brochure as a bedtime story.
8:45 AM: He goes on a lantern bug killing spree. He takes no prisoners.
5:15 PM: Snorkels the Raritan. Doesn't see any fish, but does see a new, undiscovered, deep sea leech on his elbow. He'll have to get that checked out at Hurtado.
9:00 AM: The real work begins
11:35 PM: Gets into his RU Hungry themed jammies with little fat sandwich pictures all over 11:40them.PM:
do better, then prove it. Medium pitch meetings: Wednesdays at 8 pm at the Livingston Student Center, Room 109.
Top 5 Ways The Mets Could Still Fuck Up The Season
page 20 People writing for TheMedium 10 Beers consumed by theSports Editor who isalso the writer of this whole fucking page 1) The entire pitching rotation gets injured. Likelihood: 10/10 Big Apples 2) Keith Hernandez sabotages the team by forcefeeding them grenies out of a last minute panic at the idea of someone stealing 86's glory. Likeli hood: 5/10 dugout packs of cigarettes 3) A blood bath after Braves' fans get too liter al with the "Tomahawk Chop". Likelihood: 7/10 clan hoods 4) Team dissolves after Queens is
By: Dogmeat Jones
Person who will actually write for thisfucking finally deemed the third county of Long Island. Likelihood: 2/10 Punisher skull shaped Blue Lives Matter stickers
SINCE
watched anime is Sword Art Online.Paramount Plus
The rest of the $206,000 went to subscriptions to the hunter magazine Field and Stream. This is very confusing because a subscription costs $24, so it is currently unknown why the mediocre publicationreceived this amount of funds. This reporter believes it might be a money laundering scheme.
Articles written for the Sports page per week 12
Issues of The Medium per semester 36
September 21st, 2022 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com Ed Orgeron’s voice makes me nut
RUTGERS FOOTBALL DOOR DASH BILL REVEALS BILLS
Hoping this page will exist after I graduate 1970
5) Clubhouse chemistry tanks after Petey-Boy eats Nimmo. Likelihood: 6/10 Polar Bears
BY ANITA MANDA HUN 3
The Medium's Sports Page Future: By the Numbers
In late August, the BergenRecord discovered that the Rutgers football team spent $450,000 onDoor Dash orders in a 13-month period. This was surprising since RutgersAthletics accumulated a $73 million in debt duringthe 2020-2021 seasons. The story seemed to end there, but through an exclusive investigation,The Medium has found that Door Dash was not the only contributor to that debt. Through tireless investigative reporting tactics, such as bribing janitors at SHI stadium and digging through head coach Greg Schiano’s trash.It has been discovered that part of that $450,000 were payments to services such as Pornhub Premium, Paramount Plus, Crunchy Roll, and subscriptions forField and Stream.
The former Sports editor and former person who wrote the entire fucking sports page has left this world behind. Doug Willig (2001-2022) was found dead in Israel. Cause of death: COVID-19. The virus has taken the life of Doug, a person that brought us joy and cheer. Doug could often be seen rearranging furniture, taking photos randomly, and never being able to sit down in a goddamn chair. His voice pierced the souls of Rutgers students and was good enough to be on TV. Doug is now succeeded by The Medium’s Sports Section, which has now been converted into The Medium Porn Section on account of Doug writing everything for the Sports Section.
FOR MORE THAN INITIALLY EXPECTED
It was found that Door Dash's bill was only $180,000, 40% of the total invoice. It was found that the program paid for each of the 130 Rutgers football players to have a PornhubPremium account for a year for a total of $17,000. With more research, it was found that the team's favorite Porn star is Jonna Angels, and their favorite subgenres are stepsisterand cakeAnotherfarts. part of the bill was that the program paid all football players plus 20 athletics programmembers to have Ultimate Fan membership for Crunchyroll. This bill led to a total of $27,000. The most popular anime for the program is Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, followed by Beastars, then Naruto. One of the athletics members with membership is Schiano, whose most
1
also was given their pound of flesh for the Football Team. A portionof each student’s tuition went towards paying for200 annual Paramount+ Premium accounts, for a total of $20,000. Through further research, none of the accounts have watched anything on the service, so the money is going to complete waste.
Sports articles neededfor the semester