The Medium 9/28/22

BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE BLOWING "WHISTLES"

As the Russian Federation under President Vladimir Putin wages bloody war against the nation of Ukraine, it has recently made the call to partially conscript 300,000 additional troops for the offensive, all of whom are required to have prior military experience. Of these 300,000 troops, one, in particular, has stuck out to the West: an American by the name of Edward Joseph Snowden.

The way how he ended up in the matter is, to some, not much of a surprise, as Snowden, who had fled to the (formerly) Eastern European nation after being caught by the American government for leaking highly classified information from the National Surveillance Agency, recently became a Russian citizen on September 26th on behalf of President Putin himself. While the reasoning for this move may seem

to be have done as a political gesture against the United States, in reality, many political experts and pundits have arrived to the conclusion that since Snowden had formerly been in the United States military, Putin saw him as a valuable asset to have in Russia’s own dwindling forces.

By making him a citizen, Putin, ergo, would simply be able to recruit him without much trouble.

Upon gaining his citizenship, Snowden was reportedly handed a Russian military uniform, and an AK-47 along with his papers, and immediately sent to a camp for training.

It was here that we were able to hold a brief interview with the new Russian citizen. When we asked him about his opinion on

JONATHAN HOLLOWAY COMMITS TO LOWERING TUITION

BY HARRY COX BROKE AF FROM TUITION

In a recent speech, Rutgers President Jonathan Holloway has announced that making college more affordable is a top priority of his, but that first, he would like to “take a crack at the Israeli-Palestine conflict”. Holloway has received past criticism for the increase in Rutgers tuition and general misuse of Rutgers funds while he has served as President, including several scandals involving funding for the Rutgers football team being misused on unrelated expenditures. Responding to criticism, Holloway has stated that he is fully committed to resolving these problems, but while pointing to a map of Jerusalem, stated that “first, someone really needs to

figure this one out”. Describing the nearly 80 year old Middle Eastern conflict as a "pet project" of his, he has confirmed that it is now his main focus, and that once he “gets to the bottom of this one”, he will get right to the issue of Rutgers finances. Pressed on his stance on the issue, President Holloway

Rutgers Lifts Mask Mandate, Students Learns Classmates Are Ugly As Hell

NASA Assaults

Putin

Continued on Page 2 Continued on Page 2

stated that he personally believes in a “three state solution” but has not made up his mind yet. President Holloway offered no time frame for how long it will take, instead saying that he could be done “pretty soon” but it really depends on “how much reading there

MtheediuM

"Just another day in paradise."

"MORE LIKE EDWARD BLOWDEN MY DICK!"

SHITTY RUSSIAN JOKE HERE

the matter, he simply said, "I can't complain, it's perhaps the best experience of my life! Seriously though, I. Can't. Complain."

Given the current military situation for the Russians regarding Ukraine, it is speculated that Snowden will be sent to Donetsk (highlighted in orange on the bottom) after finishing his training, which will likely take

place by the end of the week.

[Editor's Note: I would go into further detail about this topic, but to be completely frank with you, I got fried while writing the rest of this shit, so... yeah. Enjoy the rest of the paper guys.]

Wednesday, September 28th, 2022

themedium.submissions@gmail.com

NEXT UP: THE JAMMU/KASHMIR CRISIS

is”. President Holloway, further responding to critics, argued in the speech that the issue “really matters to the world” and that as soon as he finds an equitable split of the territory between the countries of Israel and Palestine that they both can agree to, which “shouldn’t be long”, including such hot spots as the West Bank, the Gaza Strip, and Jerusalem, a holy city for all three Abrahamic religions, he will “immediately get to work on decreasing Rutgers tuition”. President Holloway also mentioned that this is all assuming he does not get interested in another problem once he is done with Israel and Palestine, such as “curing cancer, proving Fermat’s

FACT: ROUTE 1 IS MORE DIFFICULT TO DRIVE THROUGH THAN RAINBOW ROAD

DRIVER FINED FOR ALLEGEDLY THROWING A

RED TURTLE SHELL AT LX BUS

BY: SHI THEAD KISS MY ASS, LAKITU

...continued from front

Last Theorem, inventing time travel” or any other pressing issue. President Holloway was later that day spotted at a local New Brunswick library asking if they had any books on Israel and Palestine.

Many Rutgers students experienced delays all throughout the College AvenueLivingston express route thanks to one particularly irate man who had seen enough of the Raritan traffic. The offender, who when prompted by reporters to testify, answered with “It’s a-me,

bitch,” pleads guilty for throwing the shell because he, “Didn’t have any blue ones to hit the asshole up in first.”

Upon further investigation of the man’s motives, it was revealed that he was a plumber from Brooklyn. It checks out, though, because inside his car

were several miscellaneous green pipes. Furthermore, it is a scientifically-proven fact from research conducted at Princeton University that New Yorkers drive like complete assholes. The resulting crash from the shell coming into contact with the rear of the bus caused blockages in all lanes, prompting police action to swiftly find an alternate route for the other drivers on the road. However, as soon as a path was cleared, the offender immediately escaped detainment and sped through it, yelling something about a “new shortcut.”

There have since been no other sightings of the man, only some stray banana peels found in the middle of the road where they definitely should not be, according to local residents, which has also caused a further series of accidents. As for the 42 victims of the crash, including the driver of the LX, all are unharmed except for a few

cases of minor whiplash due to “how the bus did a sickass front flip.” Nevertheless, each student was escorted to Saint Peter’s University Hospital, where they will receive care. We at The Medium personally questioned the bus driver, Arnold Palmer, 61, before he too was taken to the ambulance. When asked if he was going to press charges, he simply shrugged and said, “I’ve been waiting for some bullshit like this to happen since day one so I can collect my check and leave this employment hellhole.” Our team hopes for the swift recovery of all those involved, except for the guy from New York- he can go choke on several dicks, and will continue to update our audiences with any more news involving the arrest of the perpetrator or the pending court case.

2022

DO YOU HAVE A TWISTED SENSE OF HUMOR LIKE US? COME SWING BY!

Editors-in-Chief

Business Manager

Mascot Human Resources

Kyle Sabin Brendan Haas

Amit Ofek

Long-Island Medium

Dr. H.R. Hickenbottom

News Editor

Features Editor

Opinions Editor

Personals Editor

Page A7 Editor

Carlos Domenech

Kristina Patel

Kiran Subramanian

Amit Ofek

John Mahoney

Correspondents Who The Fuck Knows

Sports Editor

Arts Editor

Jade Zack

Carlos Domenech

Jade Zack

Prince Andrew

Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche John Mahoney

The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satirical publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D.

This issue is dedicated to THIS PAPER BEING FREE TAKE IT ITS TOTALLY FREE OH MY GOD

INSERT ISRAELI-PALESTINIAN JOKE HERE

...continued from front

FEATURES

NAV's

Top 5 Animals I Saw On Livingston Campus

By: Mick Absman

As an avid walker, I come across all kinds of crit ters that call Livingston campus their home. Here are my top 5 favorite animals:

PEEPEEPOOPOO

The Best Playlist to Ever Exist

By: Hugh Janus

1. Pussy Pussy Pussy Marijuana by Dubskie

2. Eatin’ Pussy/Kickin’ Ass by Wheeler Walker Jr.

3. My Pussy’s Got Wifi by BFF

4. Scarlet Pussy by Prince

5. P*$$Y Fairy (OTW) by Jhené Aiko

6. My Pussy Belongs To Daddy by Faye Richmonde

7. Spend It by NAV

8. Myself by NAV

1. Cats

Who doesn’t love kitties? They’re man’s bestfriend.

*Sexy voice*: “Meeeeoooooow”

2. Deer

Deer are so cute. Let’s hope they don’t get the Bambi ending.

9. Tap (feat. Meek Mill) by NAV

10. Champion (feat. Travis Scott) by NAV

11. One Time (feat. Future) by NAV

12. Recap (feat. Don Toliver) by NAV

13. STARBOUND (feat. I’m Dru!) by L.U.C.A

14. Rutgurls Track 1 by Rutgurls (only on Soundcloud)

And before you say it, we did not want to make a QR code for you lazy motherfuckers. Thats why it's a list.

ANSWERS ON A7 WHORE

3. Skunks

Uh-oh, stinky!

4. Ferret

This might have been another cat. I don’t know, it was dark out.

5. Sozgareth The Demon King

PLEASE COME TO OUR MEETINGS IN LSC 109. WE PLAN TO HAVE A NAV APPRECIATION THEME FOR THE NEXT EDITION BECAUSE WHY NOT. IF YOU COME TO VETO THIS IDEA, WE WILL VETO YOUR VETO. SEE YOU WEDNESDAY AT 8PM IN LSC 109!

Blow or blow?

"Easy. Blow."

Blowdel Hardenberg Confident and Smug

The Weekly Opal Rant: I Fucking Hate Men What the Fuck!!!

BY OPAL SAPPHIRE

Hello dear reader, and welcome back to the Weekly Opal Sapphire Rant, in which I, Opal Sapphire, the Princess of Pussy, the Queen of Queefs, the Royal of Ripping Ass, will tell you all about the horrible, nasty, rotted, horrid, terrible things that I experienced over the course of the past week. And dear reader, I have some scorching hot tea for you, bitch!

Blowedd Nosenuts

Needs a tissue right now!!!

"Obviously the answer's or."

Chad Tineyween He's so different

Readers with especially good memories will remember my ramblings from last semester, the majority of which were dominated (hehe) by talks of a white man. Dear reader, I was head over Louboutin heels for this man. Armpits were sweating, thighs were shaking, tip was creaming, pussy flaps were flapping AND gushing. My entire being was overcome by the unstoppable desire to stick his dick in all my orifices. It was bad, love.

It’s Only The Third Week of The Semester And I’m Gonna End It All

BY TYRANNOSAURUS SEX

It’s only the third week of the semester and I’m gonna end it all. Ok. That may be an exaggeration, but today has just been one of those days. I swear, EVERYTHING that could go wrong so far has gone wrong. And instead of bottling up my feelings and letting them destroy me at a later date, I am going to rant to you lovely people and put the burden of my innermost thoughts on you. (You’re welcome.) Now, let’s recap. (1) I got absolutely no sleep last night–everything that could have woken me up did. My bladder, the lights, that insistent little buzzing sound coming from an electronic, even after I unplugged all of them. (2) I woke up today. More specifically, I woke up today thinking I could sleep in when in reality I had to go to my 8am philosophy class. That shit was truly awful. (3) I had four classes today. I only understood one, and I couldn’t even fall asleep in the rest of them (what the fuck are they even there for then??). (4) I failed a quiz. More specifically, I failed a quiz only because my professor does not know how to use Grammarly to check the fucking quiz questions before he uploads them to Canvas. It took me 5 whole minutes just to read a onesentence question that I KNEW THE ANSWER TO, BUT GOT WRONG BECAUSE IT WAS NOT IN FUCKING GRAMMATICAL ENGLISH. (5) I was on Busch all day. This is self-explanatory. (6) My laptop died during my CS class. Also, I'm a psych major taking a CS class. Stupid decision, I know. (7) It’s cold and I’m anemic. (8) I saw couples together all day and I’m single. (9) I’m listening to the saddest song on the Mamma Mia soundtrack as I write this.

And then we broke up. But that’s not the worst part, dear reader. The worst part is that he GHOSTED ME FOR TWO WEEKS and then the first thing he says to me after TWO WEEKS was “yeah, so, I can’t do this, I’m ending things.” I couldn’t believe my scat-brown eyes! Now, I took it graciously, like the slayqueen I am, and devoted myself to the cause of maintaining my friendship with him. Except I don’t think he’s really affected all that much by our one-sided breakup? He described it as “we exchanged feelings and not much else.” Bitch, I sent you my entire stank coochie! The fuck you mean “not much else”? Dear reader, this drama has truly got me wanting to kill myself and also him.

CHARLIE 2022

I'M NOT CRAZY I'M NOT CRAZY I'M NOT

BY CHAIRLIFT CHARLIE

I am going to cut to the chase right now. I am the future of the United States of America. In the year 2020, I voted for Joe Biden because I loved his gorgeous, artificial teeth. Those pearly whites look so slippery, it would be an absolute hazard to go roller skating across them. I know a lot about roller skating. When I was 24, I started a roller derby with my old neighborhood friend, Dave. Dave didn’t know a lot about roller skating but he had the kind of drive that would get any chipper draft dodger straight down to the second-hand roller skate store.

Joe Biden had a colonoscopy. The issue I take with colonoscopies is similar to the issue I take with X-rays. I don’t want anyone to see what I am hiding in my colon, and I sure as hell don’t want anyone to see what I’m hiding in my bones. I like a man with secrets. They give you an edge. There are men at war and that man, Joe Biden, has things to say about war, but no knick knacks floating around in his large intestine for safe keeping?

I ask my readers this: vote me into Senate or something. I don’t know when the election is or where I am, but I can do it. I am so normal, if not regular. I am so regular and I strive to forge a beautiful world where every man has the right to sit down and whittle wood into a fine point, anywhere he goddamn pleases. I will abstain from voting until you all vote for me. I am regular, I am everything, I am never going to die, and I will fight for you. We will thrive. We will triumph.

"Sorry, we forgot about Bisexual Awareness Week, but you did as well" UNIVERSITY VOICES

I'M GETTING RU SCREWED RN

WE HERE AT THE MEDIUM SUPPORT YOU OPAL

"This is a tough choice, but I'm gonna have to go with blow."

GLOBAL WARMING BY THE PERSON PRESIDENT HOLLOWAY SHOULD HAVE MARRIED

BEN DOVER BY DREW PEANOZE

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN BY PRINCE GEORGE

PERSONALS

Open

Hey, how do I get off of College Ave at night now that they’re doing construction on George Street? I need to get onto 18 South.

(Great question. You’re gonna want to follow George Street north until you reach the jug handle to get onto Huntington Street. From Huntington, make a left onto College Avenue. Stay on this road until you can make a left onto Bishop Place. At the end of Bishop is a ramp onto Route 18 South. Unfortunately, the construction on George Street has blocked off this ramp, so make a left onto George Street. You’re gonna want to follow George Street north until you reach the jug handle to get onto Huntington Street. From Huntington, make a left onto College Avenue. Stay on this road until you can make a left onto Bishop Place. At the end of Bishop is a ramp onto Route 18 South. Unfortunately, the construction on George Street has blocked off this ramp, so make a left onto George Street. You’re gonna want to follow George Street north until you reach the jug handle to get onto Hunti…)

Did you know you have rights? The Constitution says you do! And so do I. (But do we really have rights? Our government has the ability to take away our rights for an indefinite period of time if we slip up. What about prisoners, who are effectively slave labor? They work for well below minimum wage and lose their right to vote, the fun damental action that allows one to participate in our de mocracy. What about wom en, who are constantly hav ing people higher up than them try to strip them of their right to bodily auton omy. What about pharmacy and medical students, who have to pay tens of thou sands of dollars for “right” to work for CVS and RWJ? I mean that ain’t right! And most importantly, what about left handed people?)

I missed last week’s career fair. What should I do?

(I dunno, give up I guess. That was the only place to find jobs.)

Rosh Hashanah just started and I’m worried G*d isn’t going to inscribe my name into the Book of Life before Yom Kippur. What should I do?

(Alright, we’re working at a bit of a deficit because of your silly little “mustard gas” prank, but I think we can manage it.

Eyes You're In a Coma

(First, make sure you have a professionally formatted resume to bring to High Holiday services. G*d has to inscribe a lot of names, and a clear and concise resume will help you stand out from the crowd. Make sure it’s a physical copy printed before Yom Kippur services, as you should not be using electronic devices on Yom Tov. Second, try to avoid breaking any of the 613 commandments written at Sinai. I know it’s hard to not benefit from a beast condemned to be stoned, but you have to try. Finally, stop with the mustard gas pranks, at least for another week my guy.)

Why are the Personals Q&As so fucking long all of the sudden? Last I checked, these were 20 words or less! (You see, we have new staff this semester, and our Personals Editor has taken it upon himself to write as much as humanly possible every week. Thankfully, we have me, Editor-in-Chief, to silence him, because we love silencing gay people.)

Now you try! Using what you’ve learned, write a piece of advice in the space provided below responding to one of the above questions. Send all submissions to themedium. submissions@gmail.com!

(Question selected:

Where can I find more of The Medium?

(Great Question! A common misconception among readers is that Personals is the only page of the paper. In actuality, not only are there other pages, Personals is the sixth one in. That means you’ve flipped past 5 other pages and ignored the two that follow, all of which are filled to the brim with more content for you to enjoy!)

“Bake at 350°F for 30 minutes or until contents are golden brown and crispy.”

Hey, babe. What’s say you and me skip the small talk and go straight to Livingston Student Center Room 109 every Wednesday from 8-9pm for The Medium’s weekly meeting?

A person who will claim they question accepted knowledge to learn the truth because it sounds better than admitting they are just reinforcing their own beliefs.

IF YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT THE WORD SEARCH, HERE IS THE ANSWER DUMBASS

NEW MEDIUM WRITER UNSURE HOW VULGAR HE IS ALLOWED TO BE

By Mick Absman

Like every activity at the beginning of a new semester, The Medium sees a new swath of people who think they are funny join the paper. If a new writer is already familiar with the paper's content, they still might not be familiar with the standards and rules of the paper. Colleges have not had the best reputations for free speech in the past few years, thanks to the PC Police. Which were once paradises for free thought will no longer allow you to make statements such as [Redacted]. This is a direct result of colleges becoming taken over by [Redacted] and allowing more [Redacted] to attend.

God I'm Tired

THIS IS COMEDY PAPER

by Anita Manda Hugankiss (and also Opal Sapphire)

You always looked young and an gry

It was one of my favorite things about you

You had been through plenty of benders and that never changed

But something's different now

I wish I hadn't seen your eye

It was hollow

It filled in a bit later that night

After the meeting

But it was hollow

Your hair is graying now

Please stay safe amongus lick my balls lol

According to Wikipedia, the paper claims to support free speech and freedom of the press. But how true is that, actually? For instance, if one writer were to say [Redacted] or call all [Redacted], would they publish it? The only way to find out is to put them to the test. Comedian George Carlin is famous for his "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television" routine. It is about seven words that are commonly censored when used on television. Even though The Medium is a publication and not a television station, I would like to do an experiment. The seven dirty words will be published below to see which ones will get past the editors:

1. Shit

2. Piss

3. Fuck 4. Cunt 5. Cocksucker

6. Motherfucker

7. Tits

If The Medium editors are as brave as they claim to be, these words will remain unaltered. Freedom of speech is an [Redacted] value. The Founding [Redacted] believed it was important that they made it the [Redacted] Amendment. If we do not protect [Redacted], then the [Redacted] win. Hopefully, those [Redacted] that run the paper will have the [Redacted] to publish anything.

*Editor's Note: The article's author has been captured and will be publicly executed on October 3rd at 2:56 pm.

want beer"

I'm Going to be done on Time Tonight

Abella Danger has a great ass

UDOKA’S SUSPENSION COVER-UP FOR ECCENTRIC BEHAVIOR

of Celtics staff member.

Most sports writers accepted this explanation at face value, mainly because most sports writers are lazy hacks whodon’t like to do work and would rather shove doughnuts into their gaping mouths. Luckily for you readers, I am not one of those lazy writers, and I do my job. Through my hardworking investigation,I have learned that the real reason for Udoka’s suspension is not because of a relationship but because of a series of increasinglyeccentric behavior. The coach’s behavior became so erratic that his place in Boston is now in question.

BY: RED AUERBACH’S GHOST

On September 22, 2022, theBoston Celtics announced that they had suspendedhead coach Ime Idoka for the entirety of the 2022-

BY CRYING CHEESE

1. A

gold

2023 season because Udoka violated team policies. The accepted reasoning for Udoka’s suspension was that Udoka had an inappropriate relationship with a member

An example of this disturbingbehavior is that Udoka claimed that he suffers from Parcopresis or poo shyness.The coach claimed he could not poop using the facilities atTD Garden. He claimed that he could only poo if it was onthe Celtics basketball court and only if his fecal matter

(porcelain

2. The entire state of Mississippi (He should have about 3 million dollars left over from the

3. Another Super Bowl ring (you think being the franchise player for the Packers for 15 years means that he could get more than one, but no).

4. Apology cards to the people of Green Bay for his actions (Aaron Rogers would probably go halves on it).

5. The construction of a volleyball facility for the University of Southern Mississippi, where his daughter played volleyball (Oh wait, he already fucking did that).

Hoping For The

to

landed on the face of Lucky the Leprechaun at center court. This practice has cost the team a reported $40,000over the last 12 months. This fecal practice is not the most concerning routinethat Udoka did while head coach of the Celtics. Another disturbing revelation was that Udoka had a pattern of coaching the team during practices with his penis exposed. This was revealed by Luka Samanic; a bench forward for the team, who explained to the reporter that “coach has this weird thing where he would call plays in practice with his thing out if you know what I mean. It was really awkward,we don’t know if he knew that his dick was out, but no one felt comfortable telling him. What was really weird was that it wasn't hard, so it wasn’t like a sexual thing. It was just hanging there allflaccid like.”

College Football is fun when you’re team is winning

THE CELTICS WERE SUSPENDED FOR A

OF WEIRD BEHAVIORS