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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliii Issue VI
october 17th, 2012
PUMPKIN PI
ANCIENT FRATERNITY COUNCILS PLAN FOR HALLOWEEN
PANHELLENIC ELDERS CONSULT THE GODS The senior-most members of the ancient order ask the all-mighty for important guidance from above.
Rutgers Basketball team excited to play with full RAC
Rutgers Cannibal Society Now Down to 2.5 Members Domino's to Experiment with Fall Flavors
Featured combinations include Pumpkin Spice, Apple Cijors and the 7 am labs. But far be meeting featured the brothers der and Cranberry Pizza. if from me to question the choic- ingesting copious amounts of es of the gods.” Keystone Light and using high- Marching band Peterson, Moran and doz- lighters to draw their visions on member hides ens of other brothers have at- the T-shirts of female students. tempted to divine an answer “They just came out as scrib- virginity in tuba with little success. One such Continued on Page 2
MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT BEFORE BED
Rutgers Pillow-Fighting Club to Address Skyrocketing Head Injuries BY PROBABLY DRUNK STAFF WRITER
Amidst the NFL's campaign to create a safer sporting environment for its players, less popular sports are also making great strides to improve player safety. Rutgers Athletic Department liaison Matt Firts released a statement to the press to calm the nerves of many students who have growing concerns over the safety of the university's new Pillow-Fighting club. "Sixteen students suffered head trauma resulting from the club's last meeting alone, many speculating that the wine coolers provided by the training staff are infused with performanceenhancing spirit boosters." One initiative already taken
QUICKIES
Going into a season of high expectations, members of the men's basketball team are eager to see a full RAC and have the opportunity to score quickly and frequently. For the female players, as with most women atheletes, they will likely all have a very small RAC.
BY CASTLETON SNOB EDITOR IN CHIEF
COLLEGE AVE—As the end of October draws closer, the basements of Union Street have been the homes to frat councils dealing with the issue of a Wednesday Halloween. “It has been many moons since Halloween has fallen in the middle of the week,” explained Delta Chi president, Mark “Lefty” Peterson. “Do we drink on the weekend before or after Wednesday? What about the actual day of Halloween? The ancient scrolls offer little guidance.” Peterson and other members of the council have been meeting every night in October, working tirelessly on how to accommodate midterms and differing schedules with the holiday of drinking and revelry. “If only Zeus had given us a Friday. Or even a Thurday,” said Kappa Sigma member David “Onyx” Moran. “Now we must consider all the liberal arts ma-
75¢
John Gruden secretly plotting to kill the other Mon-
day Night Football announcers
With his thinning mushroom haircut and his creepy fucking grin, Gruden assured the nation that "Their time is running out..." and "... it's John Gruden's time to shine"
to reduce player injury is the introduction of cotton-filled pillows, as the formerly-used down feathers were often puncturing through their cases and entering participants' eyeballs. Spokesman Matt Firts has introduced a new measure which will require the league to fund research for protective
headgear not unlike that worn by the NHL's athletes. Rutgers Pillow-Fighting Club President Dana Smeltzer expresses optimism over the probability of achieving these goals: "While funding for our prestigious organization is limited, we've requested a re-appor-
Hippo Butts
ESTABLISHED 1970
For final episode of "No Reservations," Anthony Bourdain confirms he will eat Guy Fieri Travel channel also confirms that the meal will be served with a small cup of Prilosec OTC and and bottle of hair gel, which will really help bring out Guy's flavor.
the Medium
NEWS
"Still not as good as Captain Underpants"
POLITICS AND SUCH AND THE LIKE
Wednesday, October 17th, 2012
OH WORD?
Voter Registration Organizer Loses Guy you went to high school Faith in Democracy/Humanity
BY SUPA KROOPA TROOPA BUSINESS MANAGER
COLLEGE AVE—Tuesday, October 16th was the last day to register to vote in the 2012 Presidential election. Voter Registration Organizer for NJPURG, John Stockton, was working on the project for months along side Rutgers students and other organizations on campus. Stockton says, “20,000 students turned in voter registration forms but only 1,000 forms were valid because the New Jersey school system has failed us. I work so hard to get them to exercise their right to vote and par-
ticipate in democracy but they don’t even appreciate it and I’m just left in tears.” According to sources, common errors seen by volunteers were voters not putting their mailing addresses, signatures, date of birth, not checking off male or female or just leaving a bunch of random fields blank. “People put China for county. Your NEW JERSEY voter registration form will not register you to vote in another state let alone another country,” says Stockton. “Plus, does China even have elections? How the fuck did you do the Rutgers ap-
MOTION PICTURES
Hilarious GIF image distracts nation from Syrian Conflict human rights policies, and the use of chemical warfare. "Boo Boo is my girl,” said Toni AMURICA—This weekend, an Waldren, a financial planner entertaining moving image exfrom Sheboygan, Wisconson. tracted from the TLC television “Everything she does is hilarishow ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ has made its way around ous. I would love to have her as the internet, appearing on web- my daughter. She would make sites such as BuzzFeed, Cracked, my house so sassy!” “My son is dead,” cried SyrWhat Should We Call Me, and various popular feeds on Face- ian resident Mohammad Binja as he held the bloodied corpse of book and Twitter. Also this weekend Umayy- his son Binal in his arms. “Why ad Mosque, currently labeled a must there be fighting!? Why UNESCO World Heritage site, would the Lord allow this to was burned to the ground as happen?” The GIF, uploaded originally part of an ongoing Civil War in by a student at UC Berkley and Syria that came out of the ‘Arab Spring’ wave of protests and disseminated into the internet at a record pace, will be placed on demonstrations. The GIF, or Graphics Inter- approximately 800,000 Facebook change Format, is a type of com- pages and retweeted 600,050 puter generated image used to times. Approximately 44,500 present small animations or low- people are dead as a result of the resolution film clips. This par- Syrian conflict. ticular image featured six year old Alana Thompson, known to Tonight. We drink. IN HELL! ...continued from front the world as ‘Honey Boo Boo,’ swaying in a chair as she enthu- bles,” Moran lamented, quietly siastically says “I Always Bring adjusting the folds in his toga. my A Game.” The image was inThe offering of a freshman cluded in Slate’s Top 20 Honey pledge to the members of Mount Boo Boo GIFs Countdown. Olympus also yielded no results. The Syrian Civil War began “We offer sacrifices and they in March 2011 over conflicts con- fail to please the gods,” said cerning religious rights, harsh Pi Kappa Alpha member SteBY SUM DUM JOO HEAD WRITER
Editorial Staff Fall 2012
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Amy DiMaria Kristen Cignavitch Krupa Patel Jordan Gochman
plication?” Getting students more involved in the democratic process on campus is the goal but Stockton has lost hope because these “educated” students cannot even fill out forms properly. Some voters even filled in license plate number instead of driver’s license number. “Dear God, if these people are going to be voting, I should move to Canada. At least they have socialized health care plus college only costs $3 a year there,” says Stockton while using an invalid voter registration form to roll a joint.
with has a fucking baby BY DAN OMAN CHOG JR STAFF WRITER
YOUR HOME-TOWN—In what may be described as one of the most humbling moments for you in the past year, Tim, the guy who sat in the back of class and doodled a lot during history class has a fucking child. He and that girl Tina, who you never really hung out with outside of school but had her number, got together and created a human being together. “Its weird,” said Craig, a High Thread Count Mayhem ...continued from front mutual friend of your’s and Tims. “He has a… a BABY. Like, tioning of RUPA's head trauma he’s a father. Holy God!” funds which were increased to Tim, who graduated high an astounding $600,000 last year, school and had dreams of openfollowing the hiring of Snooki, ing his own tattoo parlor, will which resulted in nearly 100 cra- apparently be putting his plans nial injuries as the student body on hold for the coming years as collectively shook their heads so he raises a small, living person dismally that many dislocated that he created with a woman. vertebrae and suffered 3rd, 2nd, The child, conceived around and even 1st-degree cases of Ut- the same time as the Spanish ter Disbelief." mid-term you took last semester, must be fed, bathed, clothed, MASCOT TRYOUTS! and taught to walk by someone who is just as old as you are, with a mother who still doesn’t understand the profound psychological effects of breast-feeding and cannot point to Greece on a map. “I heard Tina only had the baby so Tim wouldn’t leave her,” said Craig. “I mean, that’s so shitty. Seriously, they could spent the rest of their lives together.” Continued Craig, “That’s TRICK-OR-TREAT DOG like, forever.” The Medium needs a new mascot. Adore this week's fill-in.
ven “Twitch” Zinnman. “Their whims are very fickle. Perhaps another meeting at the most venerated Olive Branch.” The council’s tentative decision is to celebrate Halloween on both possible weekends but only dress up during the first. More information will be released as the story develops.
News Editors Stewart Hallman 1 Stewart Hallman 2 Features Editor Phillip Li Opinions Editor Ben Green Arts Editor Danielle Oyales Personals Editors Brianna Provenzano John Eberhardt
THE MEDIUM IS A TRUE AMERICAN HORROR STORY. COME UPSTAIRS TO THE RSC ROOM 439 EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 6:30 PM TO BECOME A PART OF THIS TERRIFYING SHIT. THE NEW MASCOT AINT' SAYING 'BOO' TO YOU THOUGH. HA! GET IT!? Back Page Editor "Copy Editor" Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisors
Leif Tornberg Ben-ign Tumor Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff Club Mascot Trick-or-Treat Dog
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to 3.14 slices of pie. No more, NO LESS!
Wednesday, October 17th, 2012
ARTS
“I really wanted one sword so I bought two swords”
BIRD DROID
STEPS TO SEXINESS
BEST FRIEND LION
GRANDMA’S GIFT
the Medium
the Medium
Capturing
T
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an
Alakazam
by Koala
M
You probably don’t already know this, but if you get a Press Pass to Comic Con, you are required to publish an article about the event or else you aren’t allowed to go the next year. I went on Friday and Sunday, and I had a few ideas in mind going in about what I would write about. I started out thinking I would write about the awesome cosplay I saw, after the 300th Finn and Flame Princess I saw, I figured that it would be pointless. I narrowed my search to the best
been a very sexist lesbian. Then I wanted a picture with him. A picture of him, a picture of me with him, a picture of me hugging him, or whatever he would allow. I just appreciated him so much for the effort he put into his costume and I wanted him to know how much I appreciated it. As I asked him what I could do to him he got uneasy and said to just take a picture. I hugged him. He punched me. I flipped him off. Then I heard the music, that distinct and memorable music of a POKEMON BATTLE. I didn’t know what to do but it didn’t matter, he was clearly faster than me. “Spoon smack!” he screamed as he dove at me from the shoulder high brick wall. He smacked me right in the cheek with his spoon and it hurt like a bitch. I went to punch him in his dumb rat face but everyone around me looked at me expectingly. Pokemon or Pokemon trainer cosplay. So I screamed FALCON PUNCHHHHH After about four hot Misty’s and a fat as I went in. He said your attack missed Misty I decided that I had no interest as he ducked. I was curious to what in that either. Stupid painted people, was going to happen next but all he people too fat for the Pokemon they did was use spoon smack again and were copying, People with the wrong color scheme, all kinds of people just completely fucking up the legacy of Pokemon. I had given up all hope. I just assumed this article would never be written. But then I saw him. A man, or very large framed woman, was in what looked like an actual, honest to god, well made Alakazam costume. I looked upon him with great wonder from afar. again. I ended up with a bruised face My friends and I approached from a spoon and nothing but a spoon. him (or her) and started negotiating Eventually I just stopped a picture. I’m guessing that he was a announcing things and punched him in guy, since he was more than eager to the stomach. I don’t care what people take a picture with my two cute female around me thought, real life Pokemon friends, but if we’re being totally equal, battles are fucking gay. It is safe to say I suppose the Alakazam could have just that I did not catch Alakazam that day.
E
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“Art cannot be made in a bubble, b
m
diu e M The to goes
If they’re going to look like Lego pieces, why not just make large Legos? I feel like the Lego company can do that if they want to.
So. Fucking. Many. People. Goddamn.
Saturday
Panels That You Missed
Friday How Opinions Can Be Correct and Retarded Simultaneously – A Scientific Approach
Juggling Multiple Waifus – Why Using Multiple Tabs Isn’t Enough
Every year, Comic Con has a whole bunch of expert panels specifically geared towards the audience that attends Comic Con. Here are a few notable ones that happened this year!
Attendants should have a thorough knowledge of quantum physics before attending.
Bringing body pillows, picture frames, etc. unnecessary.
A
Pretending to Know a Language – Fifteen Essential Words Covering Japanese, Chinese, Russian, and French.
A T
C
but it can only be enjoyed in one.”
O
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the Medium
I Just... I Don’t.... I Don’t Know, Man. by Castleton Snob
There were no League of Legends exhibits at the convention.
It’s hard to express the way I feel about New York Comic Con without sounding jaded or mean. And I don’t want it to seem like I didn’t enjoy myself because I did. It’s just I probably enjoyed it much more the first year. This was my 3rd year attending the convention on behalf of The Medium and I can confirm that eventually you reach a point of diminishing returns on the whimsy. First, about 75% of the people there are dressed up like Finn from Adventure Time. And that’s not hyperbole just to prove my point, it’s mathematical fact. I keep my cosplay intake down to one day of the year which is the day I visit Comic Con, so I’m craving some variation. And frankly, Finn is a little bit safe. I want to see Aquaman with a shiny gold shirt and a trident. I want body paint that isn’t mostly smeared off by the end of the day. I want wings, dammit! Also, every person at the convention is there because there is something terribly, cripplingly off about them socially - press and performers included. So imagine a football stadium’s worth of awkward people herded together. People who never talk to other people are suddenly talking a lot. That’s when the “Free Hugs” signs start cropping up because they think it’s quirky or fun or whatever. And it’s just exhausting. Finally, I understand that most female cosplay is going to involve crazy amounts of cleavage because
men created the characters they are portraying. But ladies, you should know that you can buy a bra in your size that will still make your boobs look big without going down a cup size so they’re just jiggling around in a way that isn’t making anyone happy. Just fuck man…
Right: Actual Funny People Paul Scheer, David Wain, Rob Corddry, and other writers from Adult Swim’s Children’s Hospital at a panel being asked awful questions by unfunny fans and still somehow managing to be hilarious.
Rule 34. Go.
Children’s Hospital airs on Fridays at 12 AM on Adult Swim, by the way.
Sunday Pickup Lines from Yaoi – That Actually Work! NYCC is not responsible for any mishaps that may occur
Full Fitness Routine Using Only Japanese Music Games – Tried and Tested Methods Applicants Must Be Able to Do At Least One Push-Up
How to Forge a Personal Relationship With Your Favorite Webcomic Artist – Seven Easy Steps! Cost of airfare, ladders, binoculars, and international cellphones not included
What to Do When Your Friends Find Your Vocaloid Stash – An Easy Way Out Also works with Tohou, Madoka, and various other anime/manga cults
Messenger Bag Pins: When You Need to Stop Pokemon fans need not attend
PERSONALS
the Medium UNIVERSITY
Wednesday, October 17th 2012
“God damnit dude, I am having a panic attack”
TOO LONG TO READ
To the ratchet black girl in my Math class on College Ave. Please SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!! I was unable to hear anything the professor said because you would not stop talking about that commercial with the peanut butter. As if it isn’t enough to hear your annoying raspy ass voice, you go on to sing about Meek Mills? You NEED to stop talking so much shit, being disrespectful to everyone in the class trying to actually learn, and pay attention so that you are not asking questions at the end of class.
I don’t think that Kesha is a real musician, but I would totally bang her. My fantasy, actually, is to have a threesome with her, Condoleeza Rice, and your mother. Here’s how it would work. I’m banging yo mama while Condoleeza fondles my buttocks. Kesha is busy banging Don Rumsfeld, because she knows it turns me on to watch. Then, me and your mom switch places. Condi straps on the strapon and does her while I take her from behind. Sorry, pronouns are so confusing when one is describing an orgy. To clarify: Condi To the girl that desper- and I are now both doing ately NEEDED to get off your mom at the same the F Bus on Thursday, time, while I provide oral did you really think no pleasure to Don. Then one else was getting off Don mounts your mom the bus. It’s the SAC! Ev- too. And we all enjoy eryone gets off there, you watching Rumsfeld do twat waffle. Just because your mom. Nuff said when the bus driver opens the door, everone To our nobel prize-winelse has manners and ning, unbearably vane doesn’t shove the per- professor: I am so glad son in front of them like you got that email saying you did, it doesn’t mean “God will punish you,” were not getting off. Next even if it is from some time, if you’re so wor- Jesus freak. That’s what ried you’ll be late to your you get for publicly hupsych class so you can’t miliating that little asian compliment the douche- lady during her presenbag frat-bro you sit next tation. Karma’s a bitch, to on his hard boiled egg ain’t it? I hope you inflate eating skills while he lis- yourself with enough hot tens to Avicii on his beats, air that you rise to the STAY AT THE FUCKING 200mb jet stream and get BOTTOM OF THE BUS! carried away to Fidel or Or just leave class on Vinnikov or one of your time instead of flirting other global warming with the teacher by “just bros. Plus, that’ll save happening” to fix your you the CO2 emissions g-string in front of him, from the flight! Bon voyyou worthless minge. age muthafucka! REAL AD
DANGER
FROM THE DESK OF LIL BIT
To the dude that was dancing to Grouplove on his roof last sunday, I hope you fell off and broke your legs. Leave it to the professionals bro.
This week’s personals were edited whilst I was entirely drunk. CHEERS!!
(HAH! Dancing...roof... break...legs. That made me laugh. Fuck that guy.) If my house has been smelling like a gas station for about a week, that’s probably not a good thing, right? To the burnout douchebag who texted and harassed my girl this past weekend: if you want to fuck bitches so bad, you’re far from the right person. Next time you go to one of your beloved NASCAR races, I hope Tony Stewart accidentally runs you over or something. And if that doesn’t work I’ll personally tie you to the front of my big bad diesel truck and haul you to Camden. I might be a scrawny-ass mofo but I will NOT hesitate to manhandle you.
In other news, why can’t you guys read good? You’re always sendin’ me shit, not spell checkin’ and shit. Like, I assume that you guys type your personals in a word document, don’t those squiggly red lines mean anything to you? Ugh.
themedium.personals@gmail.com GDI’s SPEAK
REPLIES
To the sisters of phi sigma sigma, Frat boy’s dicks aren’t made of bacon, trust me, I’ve been there. Which is why I’m so confused as to why you piggies continue to suck them so hard. Your level of pathetic has risen to a level unachievable even by freshman hungry for shots and pussy. Get it together. Oink oink. From, a concerned GDI
To the “presumably white” motherfucker bitching about the “presumably black person” being making assumptions about the racists in NB, did you not realize that the term “presumably” indicates assumption as well? Think about that. Also, “black town”?? Yeah you’re white as fuck. Just because you shop at the same supermarket as a couple of black people do doesn’t automatically make you a fucking expert. Go get a fucking tan and tend to your racist nuances quietly, like the rest of your people “presumably” should. Oh and P.S.? Black people, or any person of color, cannot be “racist” to White people, because those who “presumably” are your people created racism as an oppressive institution against POC in the first place. Can’t oppress the oppressor, honey. I recommend you read a fucking book and ram a stick up your ass twice daily to remind yourself of how much of a sloppy, gross prick you are. Sincerely a Black Girl that is gonna teach you TODAY.
(What if frat boy’s dick really were made of bacon? I think I’d go vegetarian faster than )
(Mmm. Mandling. That’s especially sexual paired with your NASCAR reference.)
To the North Tower slut: Thanks for lettin me and my frat buddies train you this past weekend. I mean you were so slopTo the cute sorority girl who py the entire night that refered to one of the chicks the nut everyone busted passing her by as “g-little”, all over your face as the I thought girls hated being night went on actually refered to as old. Why call made you look more ather g-little then? tractive. Sincerely, satisfied rutgers men (OMG G-lits let’s go shopping!!!111!!.) (There’s always that one girl who’s just looking out for the happiness of the whole group. What a sweetheart!) To the dumb smut who believed me when I told you my balls are so smooth because I got Botox done on them: It was a joke that I didn’t even make up. Thanks Dave Chappelle for getting my balls swallowed.
(Okay so I read maybe 30 words of that but I think I get your point and I agree.)
To the girl who wrote a personal about her sex buddie asking her to go (Breeeeeasstmiiiillkk...you see his parents. I hate my parents so we’ll never make my dayyyyyyyy.) have to see them. Wanna hang out? Or do it? Your Club laxers need to stop choice ;) tellin people they’re on the real team....u fucking (This turns me on. Hopepussies. fully whoever wrote that (Yeah what the fuck pussies, personal is as into sex with how many spoons do you random strangers that she’s never met as I happen to be) even have?)
Wednesday, October 17th, 2012
PERSONALS “You’re a psychiatrist’s wet dream, John.”
EVERYDAY I’M TRUFFLIN’
WHY THEY HATIN’ ON ME?
To the douchebag who Personals last week were submitted the spoiler pathetic. Too many pusson Dexter, fuck you. But ies tryna be tough. The more importantly, to the commentary was above editor of this page. You average but maybe its bc Or feel free to continue mailing us useless crap: not only aren’t funny, wit- u had more ppl to make themedium.personals@gmail.com ty, or creative in anything fun of this time. Lovin Tweet me with the hashtag #MediumPersonals So we you do, but now you’re the tweets column btw, running around spoil- particularly #Shooter don’t have to worry about me stealing tweets! ing tv shows for people @JohnnyEbs And yes, I listen to Disney soundtracks on my iPod... with a life who can only (You would think more watch tv on dvr when people would appreciate my their hungover and cant page. NICE PERSONAL RACISM (SIGHHH, AGAIN GUYS?) move. SPOILER ALERT - BABAYYY #PistolFingers) To the fag who edits To the fucking chink To every fucking indian you fucking blow who was serving food at male in this university, (You realize it’s a WEDNES- this page, u clearly have Brower the other day... you are the grimeiest DAY when you finally get know idea what ur doin. cover your worthless fucks to have ever exist- to watch Dexter? I can U keep saying a retardmouth next time you ed. All of you smell, and I foward you the address for ed baby could do a betthink about putting in a even saw one of your kind Alcoholics Anonymous. If ter job, and even thats new tray of food. I had pick his own nose and eat you’re getting drunk more too nice. Your the worst to throw away a perfectly his bogies! Seriously get than once before watching editor to grace this once good pair of hashbrowns your shit together, and a Dexter episode I question wonderful page. Fuck u because you decided to by that I mean go back to your decision making skills) and ur gay tweets sec, get better creative. cough up your duck and your fucking country and bok choy dinner. I hope stink up someone elses’s Fuck you right side edi(I actually said a newborn you choke on one of their personal space! tor. I’m just getting my kitten, but let’s not nitpick. bones next time. To my Asian roommate MASTERS, noob :-p Especially when you have To the young black chick next door, I’d rather listen (What’s your Masters in? the grammer of say, I don’t who drives the H... I to your girlfriend moan Cigarrete Smoking? I love know, a retarded baby.) would normally ask and talk dirty in Canton- our love/hate relationship The entire right side of what someone so young ese than listen to annoy- :-p) the page sucks baaaallz. is doing driving bus- ing repetitive house mues, but then I saw both sic when I’m studying. AQUAINTANCES your arms are covered in Sorry about your speakers and sorry for blaming To my roomate who’s To the blonde chick walksleeve tattoos. it on random Mexicans been giving me the stink- ing with me from the To the ginger bitch who when you weren’t here, eye the past two days. I student center eating the cut me off whilst riding you’ll never find them didn’t steal any of your bag of chips while talkyour bike. I hope your because they don’t exist. fucking weed. The small ing about this other girl and your ugly rainboots To the fucking nazi who amount of times that I do being a whale, really? get hit by a high-speed- puked in my house last smoke its better shit than You should try to look in ing cop car. night, I hope you have you probably have. And a mirror every now and To the latina in our Presi- Jews for neighbors and you live like a pig so its then because you are just dent’s class. You have a that they burn your fuck- no suprise why you lost one of the millions of reayour shit you dumb fuck. sons as to why America fuckin awesome body... ing house down. maybe in your free time To the guy, at the place, To my friend’s friend who is the fattest country in you can by my house and with the thing.... umm. decided to eat with us at the world. I almost threw up while you were walkbe my maid? yeah..... Brower last saturday af- ing next to me in those ternoon....you looked like leggings. The only reaan absolute dick-sucking son why I have you as REAL AD fag muncher with those a friend is because you shorts. You say you were help me realize that I “working out”, but we dont have it so bad you all know you have them know? -Sincerely, your so you can slide them off concerned friend. easy when you’re taking it up the ass. (You really do sound con(Our weekly anal sex joke.) cerned. I’m being honest.) Think you can do a better job than me? Come to our meetings and prove me wrong! Wednesdays 6:30-7:30pm RSC Room 439
NICE PERSONALS To the short Mexican leady who always does lunch takeout at Brower... thanks for being so nice to me everytime I come and get lunch! You’re upbeat attitude and hearty laughter always make my day.
To the guy who made my sandwich at Nielson take out: you were so crazy nice to me. Thanks for making my food delicious and working hard!
To the girl in my poetry class. Holy crap you’re so nice about literally every(She laughs way to often thing. Even when you are for me to trust her. I feel passing back papers you she and the other ladies talk do it with a smile and a about me in Spanish. Or it nice comment. Thanks! could just be my axiety.) (You should ask her out.)
the Medium GET BURNED Someone explain to me how Nick News still exists. That show was universally despised by children everywhere. (I still hate it. Fuck that lesbain bitch Linda Ellerbee.) A-Rod has gotta be dropped from the Yankees line-up if they want to win. He simply can’t perform without drugs. Shutup with the “someone come cuddle with me” get a fucking blanket or something (Brandy works too.) This personal is dedicated to Syracuse, who are a bunch of fucking scrubs for allowing one Khaseem Greene to dominate yo asses! (You can’t tell me Greene didn’t get the most poon that saturday night? #Boss) To the head of the RU busing system. Fuck You.
CLASSES To that ginger chick in our PoliSci Seminar, wanna let you know you made my day when you tripped over your own power cord. Even better was when you spilled your beloved fruitcup all over the floor. Keep it up. To that fat fuck in Math 101. You smell. Use deod. To the kid in our Presidents class who was watching Star Wars Episode VI on his laptop right in front of the professor... I salute you, Star Wars > learning about Obama (I never concern myself with politics unless it’s from the Star Wars. For a safer and securer society...Vader ‘12 To my Law & Society professor, DRINK A FUCKING CUP OF WATER ALREADY! You’ve cleared your throat at least 10 times now, it should come as common sense that you need a drink. If you keep doing it I’m going to start praying you choke on your own phlegm. (Suprised you were able to properly spell phlegm. A gold star for you!)
THE BACK PAGE “What’s up dude?? Tryna fuck??”
The Amazing Adventures of Al Gore This week, Al Gore decided to learn the working man’s way and get a temporary job at a pizza parlor.
Wednesday, October 17th, 2012
My Roomate Sleeping BY RANDOM PEOPLE AND THEIR ROOMMATES | SENDMOREPICTS
What’s Shakin’? Tonight at 6:30PM Medium Meeting @ CAC Student Center Room 439 You know you want to. Wednesday at 2:00 PM Café Con Leche: Career Conversations @ Center for latino arts and culture Career talk: English style Thursday at 9:00 AM Emergency Pesticide Recertification Seminar @ Campus Wide Let the extermination begin! Friday at 2:00 PM Get WET on the River @ Off campus locations You have never been this turned on by boats.
Useless Reviews of the Week BY LIL BIT | Correspondent
THE PUDDLE IN MY CAR
How can I be funny right now? Someone please tell me how I can be funny when I’m looking out the window, and it’s raining, and all I can think about is the new specimen of black mold that’s going to be growing in my car tomorrow because of the giant fucking leak on the side of it. On the side? You were automatically thinking that it was the roof that was leaking weren’t you? How can the side of a car leak, you might be wondering? That’s a good fucking question, you’re very astute. I’m not sure actually, but I don’t think it matters since I have to sit next to a dirty puddle whenever I drive somewhere regardless. It seems like it should be punishment enough just to have to make people sit in the back seat so their shoes don’t get ruined while I chauffeur them around town, but it’s not. Because I also have to breathe in the fumes of a toxic car lagoon while I do so. I hate you so much, puddle in my car. No stars for you.
Ok, so things are starting to kick off, now keep sending pictures!
It’s Gore-rrific!
Practice Exam Questions Now that exams are upon us, I thought it would be helpful to post some practice exam questions. 1) Thomas has just learned that his mother has breast cancer. The thought of losing his mother is almost unbearable. She had always been there for him growing up, and now she is losing all her hair and is so frail. What has happened to his once strong and all-knowing mother? Who will be there for Thomas when she passes on? Thomas knows his alcoholic father won’t take charge, that leaves Thomas to fend for himself and his younger sister. If x is the amount of cancer Thomas’ mom has, and y is the amount of responsibility Thomas will be burdened with when his mother dies, what is the integral of 2x+3y?
2) Karen was hit by a car yesterday as she was crossing the street. Her collar bone was broken in three places, all her ribs were broken, and her left arm was crushed. The driver kept driving, and no one got the license plate number, so there was no way to get his insurance information. Karen’s insurance will not cover the cost of the operations she needs, which is $1,250,000, and she will die if she doesn’t come up with the money within 3 days. If Karen dies, her family will recieve $500,000 in life insurance. What is the oppurtunity cost of Karen’s family letting her die rather than getting a loan?
Dino Maze
3) Jacob is a homeless man, and has been living on the streets for almost three years. This month has been cruel to him, he has barely made enough money for food, let alone alcohol. He has not eaten in four days, and the only water he has had to drink was from a streetside puddle that had been contaminated with oil. If Jacob does not get clean water and food today, he will most likely die. His only chance is for people to give him enough money to by a Mc Donald’s value meal, which costs $1.89 plus 7% tax. If Jacob makes $0.24 per hour for eight hours, will he have made enough to survive?
Draw the path you would take if you were eaten by this dinosaur (Hint: You leave through the butthole)
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