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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
January 29th, 2020
50¢ BUDGET? WHAT BUDGET?
RUTGERS BUILDS NEW COMMUTER LOT ON MARS THROBBIN WILLIAMS HORNY, HUNGRY
New Brunswick- In a response to an increase in off campus students and a growing demand in parking spaces Rutgers has elected to open a new lot: one that you’ll have to traverse the cosmos to get to. The new lot, dubbed “The Mars Lot” is rumored to be able to accommodate over 2,000 students and will only cost the university an estimated $10 billion. When questioned about whether this idea is a good use of university funds, president Robert Barchi showed his dedication to the plans with a firm response. “Rutgers is an institution that has always prided itself on being the first to innovate, and expanding our university to another planet is the biggest innovation of all. And if that innovation can also
ELON MUSK EAT YOUR HEART OUT
inconvenience the entire student body then so be it, because we’re also pretty good at that.” The Mars Lot will serve all five New Brunswick campuses along with Newark and Camden. Commuting students will need to drive to and park on the “Rutgers
Space Ferry” stationed out of the Garden State Shopping plaza and embark on the 300 day journey to the red planet. Once there, permit holders can park in any of the 2,000 spaces and get on one of the new additions to the Rutgers bus system. The “Rutgers Martian Continued on Page 2
NAMASTE, BITCHES
COMING THIS FALL “THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF THE AUSTRALIAN BUSHFIRES” RICHARD HERTZ I NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR
Australia- In a shocking and provocative move, the Television Network Bravo has announced that it will begin production on its newest show “The Real Housewives of the Australian Bushfires”. The program will follow a group of 6 female friends as they navigate the ins and outs of being modern women and mothers, while simultaneously being thrust into a life or death hellscape caused by the looming doom of Climate Change. The show is the Network’s last ditch hope to generate new viewership, and late-capitalist dystopia generates a lot of clicks. As the situation continues to escalate down undah, Bravo housewife wrangler Andy Cohen
refuses to resort to put his health in jeopardy and he has refused to work on the program. In place of participating in the program, in an incredibly controversial move, Cohen has announced his Hawaiin vacation with Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison. In
exchange, the Network is getting famed Aussie Margot Robbie to curate the show. The first half of each episode teaches the viewer life saving survival skills, while the second half features the catty drama their viewership has come Continued on Page 2
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IS THIS A LITTLE TOO MUCH?
Shuttles” will be fashioned out Sophmore Danny Silverman of decommissioned Rutgers busses, voiced his concerns to us. and will be able to transport about "I know that there's a lack 60 students to and from the lot. of parking at this school, but six “We’re gonna have to leave this billion dollars? I think that money shithole planet behind eventually,” could be spent elsewhere, like Barchi went on to say “So we might paying a coach a lot of money to as well claim prime territory on lose games, or it could be used to Mars while we can.” buy new school attire for student The lot will be located athletes. Hell I'd even take student southeast of Syrtis Major Planum, center renovations over parking if the largest feature viewable from we're just wasting money." Earth, so students will be able to More developments to come conveniently travel between the regarding the new parking lot. closest points. Make sure to keep up with this Some students have issued story and our other reporting. concern over the addition to the university for a variety of reasons. "COMMUTE" THEY SAID The most common concern "IT'LL BE FINE" THEY SAID appears to be whether the project is FUCK OFF. an appropriate use of funds.
MAKE YOUR DONATION to love. As an act of good faith, Bravo has pledged to donate a percentage of the profits to Australian conservation efforts. CEO Brad Blum was quoted as saying “It is our duty, as a company making a profit on such a tragedy, to do everything in our power to help in the relief efforts. That is why I have pledged .5% of all profits to be donated directly to the Koalas affected by the crisis.” The Network’s finance department has clarified that the money will be made out to the individual Koalas in check form, and airdropped into the brush.
...continued from front
HERE WE ARE . . . ONCE AGAIN . . . INTIMATE ISN'T IT . . . I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING . . . IT'S A GOOD LOOK ON YOU ;)
YOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING
CATS MOVIE GIVES DISTRIBUTION RIGHTS TO PORNHUB HARRY NUTTSAAC STREETWISE CONCENTRATION CAMP CORRESPONDENT
New Brunswick- While many of us here at The Medium were aware that Cats had potential, seeing as it is essentially just softcore cat porn, we did not expect executives at Universal to go so far as to sell distribution rights to Pornhub. The new movie was released in time for Christmas, giving all of us nightmares when we should be having visions of sugar plums (whatever the fuck those are), and all hope for it was immediately doused. If the trailer hadn't given you enough warning of the disgusting piece of trash it was going to be, you very quickly realize that the whole thing was a tragedy the likes of which man has never before seen. After the critical and financial disaster that the movie turned out to be, the executives responsible for distribution rights have seemingly decided to try and milk every possible penny out of it. Because of the deeply sexual nature of some scenes (such as Rebel Wilson's cat seeming to rub herself off and Ian McKellen suggestively
lapping milk out of a dish), they must have realized that porn sites would be a strong contender. Luckily enough, everyone's favorite site, Pornhub, agreed to pick up Cats for further distribution. However, when interviewed, a Pornhub representative revealed that they had not been the first site Universal reached out to: in fact, twenty-seven other sites had turned the movie down because of various reasons, such as concerns over bestiality, the risk that underage users might be exposed to it, and "the fact that it made Ron Jeremy cry." Pornhub was able to use these reasons to bargain against Universal on the terms of price and, after long negotiations, they finally came to a decision: Pornhub would be able to distribute Cats to any furries brave enough to watch it, so long as one premium account was given to Universal Studios, a deal they everyone was very happy to make. Unfortunately, only one user can be logged in at a time, so Universal Studios now has a designated jerkoff room.
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FEATURES “SPAM, egg, SPAM, SPAM, bacon, and SPAM”- Terry Jones (RIP)
EAT. SHIT. DIE.
HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY KNOW??
Top 10 People Who Should’ve Died in 2019 By: Harry Nuttsaac
We Bet We Can Guess Your Eye Color Based on Things You Associate with the Color of Your Eyes! By: P.P. Harding
Which of these remind you of the color of your eyes? a) A pile of shit b) The ocean c) Leaves in the summertime d) A firetruck When you look at your eyes, you think “huh, that looks just like…” a) A different pile of shit b) The sky on a sunny day c) Granny Smith apples d) Jellybeans
Jeff Bezos: we can’t let him spend his money on space, he can’t know about the aliens Donald Trump: not because of the crimes against America, just because he’s stupid Zachary Fox: I’m still mad about that cookie he ate without asking first 2 months and 10 days ago and like I’m totally over it, but also that’s totally uncool Jeffrey Epstein: everyone says he didn’t kill himself, I say he’s not even dead Joe Biden: the dude is just one question away from saying another slur, fuck him Mark Zuckerberg: time to power down that weird, steely fuck, no more taking my private data ISIS: we very kindly asked them to stop, but they won’t so it’s time to make them stop That Nigerian Prince: this freeloader is still emailing me asking for money, what is he, my broke uncle? Robert Barchi: dude pedophiled a whole bunch of football players, should’ve kicked the bucket ICE: fuck those xenophobic assholes, Trump’s little bitches
WE MISSED YOU!!!!! COME TO THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS FROM 7:45 - 8:45 IN THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 109! START OFF THE NEW YEAR BY DISAPPOINTING YOUR LOVED ONES!
When people comment on your eyes, what do they compare them to? a) The cinnamon challenge b) Deep pools c) A 4-leaf clover d) Fruit punch If you answered... Mostly A’s: probably brown Mostly B’s: maybe blue Mostly C’s: I don’t know green? Mostly D’s: You’re colorblind or just a fucking liar, either way, your parents are disappointed in you FEED ME TO MY DOGS PLEASE
What Animal Will Eat Your Corpse When You Die? By Heywood Jablomi
Aries: The most boring way to go, you’ll slowly decompose and be broken down by fungi. Taurus: The second most boring way to go, you’ll be slowly eaten by worms when you’re buried. Gemini: Those creepy twins in your class are going to sacrifice you to their elder god. Cancer: You lucked out. No one wants to eat you. Take a fucking shower. Leo: After you die in your apartment, your cats will have picked your bones clean within a week. Virgo: You’ll get planted in the garden by your hippie friends so you can feed some fucking vegan. Libra: After you die in your apartment, your dogs will get to you, but they’ll wait a few days first out of respect. Scorpio: Some cannibals are out to get you. Sagittarius: Get swallowed whole by a snake. That’s not really a prediction, that’s just what I want to happen to you. Capricorn: You’ll be murdered, and your body fed to a pig. Those freaks eat anything. Aquarius: You’ll be dumped in the ocean and be eaten by fishes. Maybe if you’re lucky a shark will get you. Pisces: The lion at the zoo. Stop fucking around near the animal cages, idiot.
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, January 29th, 2020
"It's been 9 weeks since someone last wiped me. Please send help."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How bad are your classes for the Spring Semester? "Really not that bad, but I don't think my professor has talked about feet enough." Lewis Germs Swears it's not a fetish
"It is with sadness I share the news that a class of 2022 student took their life after the first week of classes." Salvador B. Mena, PhD Kinda used to it at this point "Mine are so easy! I don't have any textbooks to buy and we don't have any homework." Samantha Bee Killed by the mob right after FREE MA BOY TRUMPY
The President Committed Treason, but Don’t Think He Committed Treason BY TRUMP'S LEGAL TEAM
The Dems are using the fact that Trump committed many crimes as a smokescreen to distract you from the fact that Trump hasn’t committed any crimes. It’s a standard post-ad-hoc-proptersemper-fi-shhh he-did-it logical fallacy and you shouldn’t fall for it. Instead we should focus on all the crimes Trump has not committed. For example, Vehicular Homicide. Trump has never killed anyone with his car. We know that for sure since he doesn’t drive because his hands are too small to control the wheel. But Chuck Schumer would have you believe we should impeach him anyway. Other crimes Trump is not guilty of include: burglary, manslaughter, grand theft auto. In fact, there are infinite crimes Trump is not guilty of. Obstruction of --no wait. Sexual assa--shit never mind. But either way, he is an innocent man. Hook him up to a polygraph! We swear, he'll pass it. Somewhat because he is innocent, but mostly because he has no heartbeat. Still, passing is passing. It’s the Dems’ glass-half-empty other-halffull-of-evidence mentality that would have you believe he's guilty. Don’t believe it. The founding fathers would insist we maintain the separation of powers, meaning that Trump gets all the power and Nancy Pelosi gets to keep the box. This is America after all. Tune into the trial on C-Span this week to hear scathing, life changing bombshell evidence told in whispered tones by octogenarians. From the lawyers of Richman, Whiteman & McHarvardlegacy Law Firm
RU IS GOING DOWNHILL
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This President Holloway Guy is a Total Puss BY JOHN MANSLY
I know that everyone loved to poke fun at Barchi about how fuckin' pervy he was all the time and just how little he did to actually make anythin' better at Rutgers, but I have a feelin' this new guy's gonna be worse. I mean, the guy's a total puss. First thing this new guy does, right, he gets up to the podium and gives a big whiny speech about his dead mom and shit, total bummer stuff right, and then he fuckin' cries about it! Right there in front of the cameras and shit! Didn't anyone tell this fuckin' guy to bottle that shit up, save it for when ya kids act up or even until ya fucking croak? What a loser this guy. And the worst part is that the audience fucking applauds that shit! Like they really gonna encourage that kinda weak-sauce kinda shit in here? Fuck outta here! Barchi was at least a fucking man, talking about grabbin' em by they's woohas and shits, not that I condone that shit or nothin', I'm a fuckin' gentleman. You get my point, y'know. Now all these pansy-ass boys at RU are gonna think it's ok to be whinin' about ya feelings and ya dead mommies, boohoo. This Holloway guy is only gonna be settin' a bad example for all these guys. Somebody oughtta teach him how we handled shit back in my day, holdin' it all in until ya go nuts and murdersuicide ya whole family. CAREFUL AROUND THE GAYS
I Think Aaron Hernandez Killed Those Three People Because He Was Gay BY TOM BRADY
Did Aaron Hernandez play football for close to a decade, taking an unspeakable toll on his body? Yeah, sure. Did he suffer from horrible mental health issues as a result of the extensive damage to his brain from all those injuries over the years? Yeah, the doctors proved it by looking at his brain. Did Hernandez come from an environment and a culture where he constantly feared for his life and safety lest he lives his life as his true self? One hundred percent. Would all of these factors hypothetically contribute to a man, who has it all, is living the dream of any American youth, to throw all of that away in favor of violence towards strangers and even friends? Probably. Is it at all possible that Aaron Hernandez was simply the victim of several different institutions that work against minorities, such as the American education system and government contributing to homophobia or youth football systems catering towards poor and otherwise disenfranchised children whose only hope of reaching a college education is to sell their bodies to football for eight years before entering the NFL? Yeah, that's very likely. Can we even imagine what Aaron Hernandez's life would have been like if he had grown up in a more progressive world that would have been able to support his sexual identity and provide for him the same opportunities as financially well-endowed students without sacrificing his physical and mental health? No, we can't. Still, I think he killed those people because he was a butt pirate.
ARTS
Wednesday, January 29h, 2020
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“Psychedelics make your sucky art look very artistic”
GOTW BY PENNY TRATER
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VOCAL SEQUESTRATION BY FRONSHAVONCADON
GRAB YOURSELF A COLD ONE BY ICKY VICKY
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V-DAY SELF CARE BOX BY PENNY TRATER
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ARE YOU DEPRESSED BECAUSE RU SCREW IS FUCKING YOU IN THE BUTTHOLE? US TOO!! COME TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS AT OUR PITCH MEETINGS EVERY WEDNESDAY AT 7:45 AT THE LSC BOARD ROOM :)
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PERSONALS
(Look Fat, here's the deal, you wanna check my shape? Lets drop trouse and jelq together man. Man to man. Mano e mano. You gotta get that chode straight Jack!)
Wednesday, January 29th, 2020
"Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy calm down! You're gettin' nervous man!" themedium.submissions@gmail.com
Alcoholism
I fell in love with a mer- Did I get the coronavirus maid. How do I go visit her from drinking one too many Coronas during syllabus without drowning? week? (You're doing it wrong. SHE'S supposed to come to (I've been subsisting on NatYOU, like Little Mermaid!) ty Light and Model 7x vodka for the past three months I'm trying polyamory but and I'm fine, so probably now I'm jealous that my GF not. Sure, there's the ocis spending too much time casional chest pains, retiriding the guy. How do I re- nal bleeding, and bouts of spectfully ask for my turn? uncontrollable crying here and there, but no biggies.) (After reading The Ethical Slut, I learned that nothing I finally achieved my first is more key than communihungover trashcan puke cation.) this morning. I still don't Is he gay or does he just know whether to revel in like sitting with his legs profound accomplishment or self loathing. crossed? (There's a first for every(Ask to suck his dick.) thing...) How do I get my Joe Biden x Pete Buttigieg slash erotica optioned for a publishing advance?
I'm looking to get a Rutgers chapter of my anarchist sorority off the ground. Which flavor of hard seltzer molotov do you recommend for torching pig squad cars? (Depends. Do you like your immolated statist oppresor flesh in Black Cherry, Natural Lime, or Prolapsed Grapefruit?)
Word of the Week:
Anhedonia a. Orgasmic levels of blueball
Big oofs my guy That's gotta hurt :( Have you tried CBD?
Pizza Pie
CURRENT EVENTS: CELEBS WEIGH IN
What’s your contingency plan to survive Papa John’s Day of Reckoning? (Cartridge after 5.56 NATO cartridge tipped in whatever sludgy carcinogenic grease they soak that Little Caesar's cardboard in. You'll want your enemies to face all the cardiotoxic stopping power you can get. Almost don't even need the gun at that point.) The worst part about being a racist pizza mogul is people expecting you to behave as if you ARE:)NT. (Okay boomer.) Suh brah, lookin to score some fresh preemie V-Day strange. What's the best doze-slice flavor to surprise the missus? Something that'll get ALL the neighborhood hotties, scotties, and thotties going? (Plain. Do you really need much more garnish over that cheese than sweaty, unwashed pubice? Full chub meat? Your name, immortalized in the annals of your local sex offender registry?)
Campus Bullshit Where's the best gloryhole on campus? (Lucy Stone A Wing, first floor men's room. The possible UTIs and flesh eating shaft MRSA might be a bit of a turn off, but who are you to pass up a fun gamble?) How does a school get cheaper while charging more? (A $24.6 million contract and an Autoblow 2+ AI hydraulic piston fellatio machine don't pay for themselves. Finding money for campus-wide pharmacies, exorbitant term bills, or a competently staffed transit system though? Get real, you insolent fucking snowflake.) What's the best way to dispose of my body so my roommate doesn't have to deal with it? (1. Camaro. 2. Cinderblock. 3. Parasail. 4. Mojave Desert.)
Or sharing your ideas with us? Wednesdays @ 7:45p.m. Livingston Student Center Room 109
Wednesday, January 29th, 2020
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Reasons Why I Support Bernie Sanders
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DO NOT FUCK WITH ME. I WILL CRY.
The Top 7 Famous People I Could Beat In a Fight By Punchy McDrunky
1) He harrasses women 2) He said he'd give me a 1,000 dollars a month 3) He has a funny voice 4) HE'S FROM NEW YORK BABY DA BEST CITY IN DA WORLD 5) He makes Hilary Clinton seethe 6) The Targum doesn't like him and the Targum fucking sucks 7) Did I mention he harrasses women? 8) Also socialism I guess
Local Listings and great finds! I need my grandson to show me how to change thescreensaver for my comuter. If you are my grandson please call me on my phone. I do not remember my phone number, but when I do I'll let you know.
I named my baby Khaleesi before finishing Game of Thrones and boy am I regretting that now. If anyone needs a free baby contact me at KhalBono&theEdge@ yahoo.com
Need someone to finish this joke for me cause i'm really tired and wanna go home. Contact me at cojo1298@gmail. com
High-ku
Shit, need 5 letters Or was it 5 syllables? Man fuck it who cares
1) Ed Sheeran: Ed Sheeran is a little Muppet ass bitch who has never lifted a single weight in his entire. I could suplex that motherfucker with one arm tied behind my back. Me vs him would be like Bane vs Batman if Bane had anxiety when talking to women. 2) Chris Christie: The former governor of New Jersey holds the distinction of being the world's fattest man. To win this fight, I need only use his own gravity against him and knock him off his feet. He's like a giraffe in that his body was not made to fall down. 3) Stephen Hawking: They say that the pen is mightier than the sword, but Stephen Hawking couldn't physically pick up either when he was alive, so I think I got this one in the bag. 4) The Unabomber: Ted Kazcynski was a coward who had to use illegal weaponry to win his fights. As a zoomer, I do not own a mailbox, so he is fucked if he ever tries to start shit with me. 5) James Corden: I don't think I have to explain myself for this one. 6) Merriam Webster: I have no idea who Merriam Webster is, but anyone who has a dictionary named after him has clearly never taken a punch in his life. THEY BETTER COME UP WITH A NEW WORD FOR GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED AFTER I'M THROUGH WITH HIM. 7) The Undertaker: The Undertaker is the biggest fake tough guy bitch in the history of fake tough guy bitches. His only claim to fame is having a fake undefeated streak in a pre-determined sport. He's also still wrestling at the age of 54 to pay alimony to his three ex-wives, one of whom whose name he got tatooed on his neck right before she left him. By kicking his ass, I would be doing a favor to not just the sport of professional wrestling, but to all mankind.
January 29th, 2020 @MediumSports themedium.sports@gmail.com
Penis-SPORTS
ANTONIO BROWN LIVE STREAMS HIMSELF JACKING OFF ON INSTAGRAM a “bitch ass” to her face with all of their young children present, as well as the thousands of people watching live. NFL fans and others on social media thought Brown could not steep any lower than this act, but the world was shocked at 3 AM yesterday.
MR. BROWN JERKING OFF BY: NOT_AB_BURNER84
Following a tumultuous few months of literally freezing his feet off, farting on doctors, and abusing women, Antonio Brown decided he had not done enough to destroy his
former career as an NFL superstar. An incident on January 13th involved the former Wide Receiver streaming on Instagram an encounter with police in which he accused the mother of his children of trying to steal his car. In that stream, Brown called the woman
13 Things to Know About the Super Bowl
t the ungodly hour, Brown started A a new stream on Instagram. After pointing the camera to himself and screaming his catchphrase “No more white women 2020!”, Brown then flipped the stream to the back camera of his phone. To the shock of the 12 thousand live viewers, and the millions of others that would watch subsequent reposts, Brown whipped out his 13 inch penis. He then proceeded to insult his former teammates JuJu Smith Schuster and Ben Roethlisberger: “Look at this boys! You think JuJu got a dick this big? You think that white boy Big Ben got a cock like this? Hell nah!” After pulling out a tape measure to prove the 13 length inch of his dick, Brown then proceeded to stroke his cock up and down for the next 3
minutes until he finally orgasmed. “Now y’all sobhobs, that’s how that shit gets done! This the greatest day of my motherfuckig life!” were the last words shouted before Brown ended the stream. eaction from the NFL and the rest of R America was swift. Roethlisberger, in reference to the insult directed towards him on the stream and Brown’s pending sexual assault allegations, tweeted, “Well, I’ve actually gone forward and raped someone, not just a minor sexual assault like you Antonio, so I think I’m still on top.” President Trump tweeted, “Antonio Brown should serve as an example to all NFL players. However, instead of following in AB’s path, they all kneel during the anthem like that fool Kaepernick. Sad!” Despite the magnitude of the act, Brown was not done, At press time, he reportedly was purchasing a bag of penis shaped gummies which were 13 inches long, which he planned on calling his “Baby ABs.”
Zion Williamson's First Week: By the Numbers
BY JIMMY G'S PORN STAR GF
1. Frog-voiced Patrick Mahomes will play the game as a frog instead of a human 2. Jimmy G may miss the game to go on a date with porn star Lana Rhoades 3. Andy Reid will lose 500 pounds over the course of the game due to sweating so much, bringing him down to 750 4. Richard Sherman likely will miss the game to have a 1 v 1 boxing match with Darelle Revis 5. Joe Buck will likely fall asleep mid-sentence while announcing 6. Following Joe Montana’s Tweet that the team he played for will win (he played for both the Chiefs and 49ers), Montana was executed by the US government for having Boomer Humor 7. Antonio Brown plans to crash the event to rape the cheerleaders 8. Trump plans to interrupt Demi Lovato’s national anthem to state that the Impeachment hearing is a scam 9. Jennifer Lopez and Shakira plan to replicate Janet Jackson’s Wardrobe malfunction during the halftime show by both exposing both their breasts 10. Analysts predict the final score may be the first 69-69 tie 11. Tyrann Mathieu may turn into an actual Honey Badger 12. NFL considering removing Lombardi Trophy and will give participation trophy to both teams 13. Joe Namath may make-out with Erin Andrews on the
69
400 pounds weighs
he
currently
6 naps taken on the sideline
420 times he smoked weed with Brandon Ingram
sideline
Jacking off and other stuff SINCE 1970
times considered returning to Duke because NO sucks
20
pairs of old Big Baller Brand shoes stolen from Lonzo Ball
1
future where he looks like Booger MacFarland