The Medium 10/19/22

BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE CRAVING CRAB CAKES

On October 16th, scientists reported that hundreds of millions of snow crabs were missing from Alaskan waters. This confused scientists, since the cause was not overfishing. “We have to consider the following, are snow crabs just yassified crabs considering they are known as the queen crabs?” posited Bill Nye the Science Guythe next character to be added to Multiversus.

We at The Medium decided to look where no other scientist would look and reached out to the Snow Crab community itself. What we learned shocked us: The missing crabs were located in the Atlantic Ocean. Now that we have figured out where they are, the question becomes why.

To answer this, we sent our intern, Aaa Smalle Dee, to the Atlantic Ocean with a pocket knife

and a bootlegged copy of Iron Man 3 to reach out to the Snow Crab community to get answers.

One snow crab that did not want to be named stated that he went to the Atlantic because “My wife just laid 100,000 eggs recently. I told her that we should give some up to adoption for the snow crabs that couldn’t lay eggs, but she was insistent that we raise them on our

own. Because of this, I decided to skip town and now am living my best life. I get to smoke cigarettes without her naggin', and get to drink as many white claws as I want!”

Because of the Great Migration of Snow Crabs to the Atlantic Ocean, local business in the area has been booming. According

JOYCE CAROL OATES SAYS "JK" REGARDING 'BLONDE' BOOK

BY LEXA PREAUX STUCK IN AN LX FOR ETERNITY

The negative reception of Netflix’s recent feature film Blonde (2022), directed by Andrew Dominik, has led some to criticize the author of the novel used as source material, Joyce Carol Oates. Oates is known for Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?, We Were the Mulvaneys, and being a certified comedian. Some critics suppose that Blonde (1999) suggests Monroe was a helpless, weak victim of circumstance and misogyny, some even claiming that this portrayal is contrary to accounts of those who personally knew her.

Oates stands by her creative decisions, claiming, “All that graphic stuff where my girl,

Norma Jeane, is like a weak little flacid noodle, fluttering around with no voice for herself? I was totally kidding, like you guys just don’t get it. Like take a fucking joke forreal lol.”

As much as she was horribly wronged and hurt time and time again during her incredible life,

The ATF? Doesn't That Mean All Terrain Fvehicle?

News Editor Becomes Unapologetically Horni

Exmaple: Evrey Tpyo In Papper Is Intentinoal

Bus Door Nearly Cuts Off Student's Arm In 15th Time This Week

Rutgers Student Trains Deer For New York Marathon On College Avenue

Monroe was an activist, an advocate for civil rights, and an outspoken businesswoman who went on to start her own production company and pave her own path. That is why her portrayal in Blonde (1999) is “an absolutely goofy, silly kneeslapper,” Oates claims, “like she’s

Continued on Page 2 Continued on Page 2

Alex Jones Sued For $1 Billion After Doing A Little Too Much Trolling

MAYBE I'LL HAVE CRAB SOUP FOR DINNER INSERT CLIMATE CHANGE JOKE HERE

to Eugene Krabs, owner of a local restaurant, the Krusty Krab, “Business has never been this good. These crabs are crazy for Krabby Patties. Soon, I will have to open a second Krusty Krab because I like money. Argh argh argha rghargh!”

It is unknown if or when the Snow Crabs will be returning to Alaska. I get that it’s their habitat, but it is also Alaska, a state that was known as "Seward’s Icebox" because both the Russians and Americans hated it so much. However, the missing Snow Crabs have put pressures on the Japanese Snow Crab population to pick up the slack. This issue may cause a civil war among the

PLAYING ALL DAY AND NIGHT!

BY: A DEPRESSED BTS FAN LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN

Recently, the world famous K-pop boy band known as BTS announced that beginning this year, all seven members would take a hiatus in order to fulfill their

mandatory military service, a requirement for all South Korean men between the ages of 18 to 35 enacted in response to the constant threat presented by North Korea.

The matter of their conscription

STEP BROTHERS IS ONE OF THE FILMS OF 2008 ...continued from front

just sad and blonde and shit.”

Dominik’s take on Monroe as a character in Blonde (2022) seems to amplify Oates’ portrayal of Monroe, with details such as upsetting visual scenes of assault, constant nudity, and an animated fetus that seems positively and evangelically pro-life in a preReagan, pre-Roe v Wade America (Dominik later went on to claim that fetuses can see the future with their mind powers).

Dominik’s rendition of a fable of Monroe turned attention to Oates and her 1999 publication when he stated “Guys omg (Joyce Carol Oates) literally said it first guys oh my god… Like I didn’t even do it basically, like you guys

has loomed over the band ever since their formation in 2013, with fans fearing their inevitable hiatus and possible break-up as a result. One fan we interviewed (who preferred to remain anonymous) said, “OMFG, if BTS ends up in the military, I’ll literally shit and piss and cum in my pants, all at once.”

Of course, as one would expect, they ended up in the military. Shortly after the announcement, questions were raised as to where exactly the band members would end up. The South Korean government quickly answered to the public. In an announcement given on October 17th at 12:00 KST, the Yoon administration stated that they would quickly reinstate a previous strategy to demoralize their northern neighbors; the strategy being to play Korean pop music at high volume, constantly, over the 38th Parallel, with the Korean boys band to play an instrumental the band to perform live as long as physically possible.

Several years prior to the beginning of BTS’s hiatus,

are so mean…” This is contrary to Dominik’s previous comments that Monroe herself possessed him during filming, willing him to make directional calls for “more boobies'' because “isn’t that the feminsim thing or something?”

Regardless of controversy, Oates endorsed Dominik’s film on the grounds that it is “that was funniest shit I have ever seen in my life, like he totally gets it. That was funnier than Step Brothers (2008), and I fucking love Step Brothers (2008). Step Brothers (2008) is the best.” Dominik also chose to comment, “It’s called Blonde because she's blonde.”

the Korean government had enacted such a strategy at the DMZ, with the strategy eventually dying out sometime around 2018. Recently, however, South Korean generals have apparently reconsidered using the strategy once more in response to North Korea’s several missile launches over the island nation of Japan.

The strategy in question is expected to be placed into effect beginning around December 2022, with the band performing songs from their most recent album titled Proof, released this year.

It is expected that the strategy will cease around 2024.

COME TO OUR MEETINGS... OR DON'T. WE CAN'T REALLY FORCE YOU.

THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC ROOM 109

Editors-in-Chief

Manager

Resources

This

Angela Lansbury. Rest in peace,

Sports Editor

Editor

Kyle Sabin

Haas

Domenech

Patel

Subramanian

Gottesman

Mahoney

Douche

Mahoney

Zack

Domenech

Zack

Route

INSERT MARILYN MONROE JOKE HERE

...continued from front

Snow Crab community, but The Medium will keep students up to date about this great

BTS TO PLAY 18 MONTH LONG CONCERT AT KOREAN DMZ

Here’s A Pizza Recipe You Should Make

By: Hugh Janus

1. Make your own marinara sauce by combining 28 ounces of canned tomatoes, 1 medium onion that is halved (haha get it Medium), 2 garlic cloves, olive oil, basil and red pepper flakes.

2. Bring the sauce to a simmer and then let it thicken for 45 minutes. In the meantime, make your pizza dough.

3. Combine 1 cup of flour, 1 packet of yeast (could be from the grocery store or from your yeast infection), 1 teaspoon of sugar, 1 teaspoon of salt, garlic powder, dried basil leaves, and 2 cups of cocaine. If you were to change the proportions make sure your ratio of flour to cocaine is 1:2. This is very important.

4. Add olive oil and warm water and knead the dough until it’s slightly sticky (haha, sticky)

5. Oil a bowl and let it sit for 30 minutes to allow it to rise.

6. Once it’s done, bring your Italian skills to use by rolling the dough into its pizza shape, so a circle if you don't know what pizza looks like.

7. Add your marinara sauce, cheese, and any other toppings on top.

8. Cook for 20 minutes or until the top is golden brown.

9. Top with the blue meth from Breaking Bad

#FUCKMIDTERMS

Justin Gorged was in his office when he got a call from his business partner. He sighed as he realized that he would have to leave his comfy office and go out into the mob of fans that were always waiting outside of his of fice. He got his stuff together and went out the door. “Omg, it’s THE CEO Justin Gorged!” “He’s so hot!”

It was the same things he heard over and over again. He just smiled nicely at them as he kept his head down and pushed through the crowd. I hope this meeting is over soon, he thought. Justin Gorged finally made it to his sleek black Lambo and started driving to the mansion off of Livingston campus. “Damn, this shit is noice,” Justin said aloud as he pulled up to the driveway.

“Who is it?” said the voice over the intercom.

“Justin Gorged for Mr. Sapphire,” said Justin. Justin knocked on the door and waited for a second. The door opened to show Mr. Sapphire.

“Justin! How are you? Come in, come in,” said Mr. Sap phire, excitedly. Justin walked in and looked around. This shit was more than noice, it was bussin and slayed the house, boots down. “Say, have you met my daughter yet? I don’t think I officially introduced you two.”

At that moment Opal walked out of her room and started going towards the front door where she knew her dad was. “Hey Dad, can you look over my resume real-SHIT!” Opal finished as she rounded the corner and saw Justin, her newest enemy.

“I can look it over,” Justin said with a knowing smirk.

“Opal! I’m so glad you’re here, I wanted to introduce you to Mr. Gorged,” Mr. Sapphire started, but then he got a call. While he was on the phone, Opal gave Justin a death glare as he looked her up and down– she for got she was wearing booty shorts. Mr. Sapphire came back. “Justin, I hate to do this to you, but I need to run to RBS real quick to [insert lame thing that RBS people do]. Opal, can you take care of Mr. Gorged while I’m gone?” Opal didn’t even get to respond with a fat no before her dad was out the door.

“So, how are you going to take care of me?” Justin said as he looked sexily at her.

“Hmm, let’s see. I think I’ll start by throwing you out of my house,” Opal spat back as she grabbed his wrist and tried to pull him to the door, but Justin was too strong. He slightly pulled her to him and, once again, she crashed into his chest, but this time their lips met. Dear readers, you may think that Opal would have pushed him away immediately, however, her lips (both sets) had other plans.

WANT TO DESTRESS FROM MIDTERMS? COME TO LSC ROOM 109 ON WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM! YOU MIGHT EVEN SEE A MAN DRESSED AS A BANANA AND AWKWARDLY PULL BANANAS AND BANANA-FLAVORED DRINKS OUT OF HIS BOOKBAG.

“Panera has really shitty bagels!"

BROWER PIZZA CHAPTER 2 BY: AVERAGE AO3 WRITER

MtheediuM

VOICES

OPINIONS

October is National Bullying Prevention Month, how are you celebrating?

David Landrew

Looking up jobs that don't require a college degree.

A TRUE ENEMIES TO LOVERS STORY

The Not-So-Weekly Opal Rant - Why Do Men (Like Usual)

BY OPAL SAPPHIRE

Hello dear reader, and welcome to the most important thing you will ever read in your life, the cuntiest, slayiest, yassiest piece of literature in existence, the Not-So-Weekly Opal Rant (I’ve been busy fucking your mom uwu), authored by yours truly, the Princess of Pussy, the Queen of Queefs, the Sexiest of Swallowers, Opal Sapphire. And this week, dear reader, do I have a rant for you!

"I'm not going to let those climate change and labor rights activists keep me down. They're the real bullies"

Jonathan Holloway

He's really in touch with what stu dents want!

Rename a Rutgers Building After James Gandolfini

BY NICK ZYSMAN

There has been a movement in the United States to remove statues and memorials dedicated to the Confederacy. Critics say these statues memorialize slave owners and promote racism. In 2020, more statues were removed during the George Floyd protests. Activists have also encouraged institutions to rename buildings named after slave owners. Rutgers is one of these many institutions with facilities named after slave owners. These include: Hardenbergh Hall, Frelinghuysen Hall, and Milledoler Hall.

For Rutgers to no longer memorialize these figures, Rutgers should rename one of these buildings after a New Jersey hero, James Gandolfini. Gandolfini is a famous actor, Rutgers alumnis, and New Jersey native best known for playing the lead character, Tony Soprano, in the critically-acclaimed television series “The Sopranos”. The show is set in New Jersey and is the first thing many people associate with the state. Some believe the show gives NJ a negative reputation but this gives our state character. After graduating, he continued supporting Rutgers university. In 2005, he served as an honorary captain for the Rutgers football team.

James Gandolfini is one of the many Rutgers alumni who has positively impacted the world. Even after changing television, he continued to be a member of the Rutgers community. With his passing in 2013, the best way to honor his legacy would be to name a building after him, preferably by renaming a building named after a slave owner or anti-abolitionist.

So just today, my daddy (paternal) invited my worst enemy in the world to my penthouse behind Livingston Campus. Reader, this man is literally the most despicable person in existence. Just last week, as I was leaving Room 109 of the Livingston Student Center (which is where The Medium hosts Pitch Meetings at 8 PM on Wednesdays), this man had the AUDACITY to not only slam into me, but also laugh at my excruciating, consequential pain, AND he called me a bitch! Now, reader, I’m not against degrading. In fact, I’m a big fan of degrading, but it has to be consensual, and only in the naughty room, and this was not in the naughty room. It was in public, in the Livingston Student Center. Everyone and their mom (whom I have fucked) was staring. And now he’s in my living room, manspreading on the designer couch, and I really want him to leave! Send help, reader, I’m begging you.

In other news, I keep seeing the same guy at Livi Dining Hall? As in, like, I see him every single time I go? And he's fine as fuck, so, like, big tall strong man at Livi, hit me up, babey. -Yours, always and forever, Opal Sapphire.

Every day, I wake up covered in sweat on my yellow-stained, formerly white mattress. I stare at myself in the mirror, reminding myself to inhale and exhale. I smile and say “Today, I will make my classmates’ day unfathomably worse.”

I sniff-check my clothes and crawl to a project meeting approximately 30 minutes late (even though I decided to make my groupmates wake up earlier for no goddamn reason).

I belch loudly, entering the meeting, smelling like stale weed and unattainable dreams. The women in the group stare at me like I did something wrong. I look at my phone; a Canvas message pings from my epic cringe “Gender Studies” class. I stare into one’s eyes and proclaim, “This class I’m taking is run by dumb femoids making this ‘disinformation campaign’ about the WAGE GAP.”

The female looks at me and hysterically says, “Uhm, I don’t think that is disinformation; you probably didn’t contextually analyze those statistics.” Wow. she flipped out so hard. How embarrassing. I can’t wait to destroy this feminist. While she's spouting LIES, I epically shout, “Did you know women be shopping? Did you know we MEN pay more in taxes while girls take our hard-earned money for their 'essential needs'?? Men… subsidize women.” My voice breaks a little. It’s difficult to personally face oppression towards men. Tears are trailing down my face. She walks away, actually destroyed. God, women are so emotional.

Wednesday,

"Did you know that October is Black History Month in the UK?"

SIGN THE PETITION LOCATED ON ARTS!!

Love and kisses, The Average MAE Student

"I'm celebrating by hazing only 7 freshmen instead of my usual 14" Logan Gamazet Progress is progress??

"Can someone tell my professors this-Midterms are really fucking me over"

COMMON WOMAN L NO WOMAN WILL SUBSIDIZE MY DICK!!!!! BY IAN CELL

MOUSE AND GROUSE BY NICK ZYS(DICK)MAN

SEXY KYLO VS SEXY JONNY BY A TIRED EDITORFU @RUSCOOTERS BY VEO HATER

PERSONALS

"If

Pizza

I cannot sleep!

(I cannot dream tonight!)

I found a dusty old monkey’s paw at a thrift shop in North Jersey. My friends think I’m crazy because it was all moldy and it’s just superstition, but I think they’re full of it. I’m going to use my first wish to prove them wrong. Alright, here goes nothing. I wish that you will answer my question! Ok, are you going to answer me?

( )

Do you think the Barstool review of Brower pizza is fair? 1.8 seems really low.

(I’d personally give Brower pizza a 7.8/10. It’s a faithful remake of pizza, but I find all the handholding and cutscenes to get the pizza a little intrusive and honestlythere’s just too much water.)

Hey have you seen the latest issue of the Opal x Justin fanfic?

(Boy have I ever! And not just one, but two chapters this week (chapter two and three, not one and two) in this issue!)

Pasta

What pokemon is the most fuckable?

(Well, personally I th*Time pauses* Hey there, Sayf Tee here. This guy asked a pretty uncomfort able question, and Person al Lee may need some help knowing how to answer it, or if he even should.. It’s important to know what to do when someone is mak ing you uncomfortable. The best thing to do is to en gage them as little as pos sible, and tell someone you trust about the incident.

Don’t worry about hurting their feelings or misreading the situation. Your safety is more important than a so cial faux pas. Alright, with that information, let’s see how Personal Lee handles this situation! *Time re sumes*

-ink you should keep that shit to yourself you sick fuck. Wanting to have sex with a Pokemon? They’re animals made for children.

Isn’t there enough wacky shit for freaks like you.

Fuck. Touch grass. I don’t know if that’ll help some one as far gone as you, but it’s a start.)

Sorry sorry. I'll try to be more normal!

(You best.)

What's the most fuckable Digimon?

(Oh easy. Angewomon!)

Wednesday, October

Put It On My Balls!

AITA for not respecting someone's unnecessary diet?

Ok for context, I (43M) always make dinner for my family. I'm not the only one who can cook, but I am the only one who does. I always say if they want something different, they can make it themselves. Last night, my 9 year old elderly infant wife daughter (F13) (she's vegan and has severe epinephrine allergies) asked me for a glass of water with dinner. I said if she didn't like the drink I provided (it's the strained meat juices from the vacuum pack, can't have any of that go to waste) she could get it herself. She said that all the sinks have a password (there are 18 clues hidden around the house she's just lazy) to use and asked if I could give it to her, and I told her I don't see how that's my problem. She started crying, which seems like a bit of an overreaction. So am I the asshole?

(NTA. On the one hand, I do think you're making it a little hard for her to succeed. That said, all the tools are there for her. She's acting really entitled; like you said, if she wanted something different she could make it herself. It's important as a parent that you don't give into entitled behavior like this. You don't want to set a bad precidint that your kids can just get away with whatever they want.)

I’m gonna fucking fail this math test. What should I do?

(Do your best. When all else fails, remember C.H.E.A.T.:

C.heck your work

H.ave extra paper

E.very point matters A.nswers are circled

T.ake your time

Not to be confused with cheat, an action that will get you expelled from the university.)

Are you homophobic?

(Actually it's pronounced "fuh" not "foe.")

The Medium? The newspaper club that meets weekly? On Wednesdays? From 8 to 9 pm? In LivingstonStudent Center Room 109? never heard of it.

Look forward to The Rutgurls' newest album!

Murders Are Not Hot Get Well Soon, Adriana Chechik

RATING SERIAL KILLERS BY REAL MOTHERFUCKER

There is a buzz for true crime once again with the Netflix drama series; Dahmer-Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story. However, this buzz has not come without controversy. There has been an uproar about how an attractive actor, Evan Peters, played Dahmer.

As a noted enthusiast of true crime myself, I agree with the sentiment, but the problem I have with true crime is bigger; the glorification of serial killers. These killers are not monsters, victims, or evil geniuses. They are losers, dorks, and jerk-offs. Serial killers are screaming morons who are so mediocre that they had to kill people in order to be remembered. The killers deserve no sympathy, and all of the sympathy belongs to the victims and the victims' families. With all that said, another problem with how the media covers serial killers is that they act like the killers are attractive, to fix this misconception, I will now rate the most famous serial killers of the 20th century on their attractiveness:

John Wayne Gacy: The Killer Clown: another midwest guy but from Chicago this time. Gacy killed 33 men and boys from 1967 to 1978. This fat fuck looked like every creepy, greasy, manager at any fast food restaurant, which makes sense, considering he managed multiple KFCs.

Ted Bundy: Bundy killed 30 women in a period of 4 years between 1974 and 1978. Bundy gets the most attention from lonely women to this day, so please remember this: He had a unibrow and would go back to where he dumped his victims to have sex with the corpses. He was a necrophiliac, not a heartthrob.

Richard Ramirez: The Night Stalker: This son of a bitch killed over 15 people in the San Frascino area. Ramirez wanted to be known as a cold-blooded satanist, but this is what should be known: He smelled like wet leather and had terrible halitosis. So not just was Ramirez a bastard, but he stunk to high hell.

David Berkowitz: Son of Sam: this emptyheaded motherfucker killed 6 people and injured 11 in one year from 1976 to1977. Berkowitz looks like someone took a normal-sized human head and pumped it full of air. David looks like a hot air balloon that became a person, a human funko pop. To add insult to injury, he also reeked like spoiled milk. Not to mention he got caught for not paying a parking ticket in goddamn Yonkers, every New Yorker worth their weight knows to stay the fuck outta Yonkers.

Jeffrey Dahmer: The Milwaukee Cannibal: he killed 17 men and boys from 1978 to 1991. Dahmer was a Milwaukee 5, which is a New York 2, and an LA negative 17. This cheese-eating fuck is what happens

Sonnet Time

An Honest Moostake

BY: DOGMEAT JONES, EDITED BY ANITA MANDA

With caution to the wind and sweat on brow

I speak and screams of darkened sky

But how was I to know it was a cow

Receiving my regrettable cream pie?

And so I ran into the nearest swamp

As angry mobs came from the nearby town

My trusted hiding place was at the dump

Where I’d stashed my disguise, a wedding gown

So now I stealth-covered in mix of splooge

These smells and stains are my karmic toll

Resented more than Ebenezer Scrooge

They won’t stop til my head is on a pole

I thought that I was putting on a show

But now it’s my intestines that they throw

50 Shades of Gorged: A Medium Fanfiction: Chapter 3: “Don’t fucking gag me"

By:TheAverageAO3Writer

“Don’t fucking gag me,” said Opal, as Mr. Gorged was knee-deep in her coochie.

“Then don’t look at me that way,” growled Justin.

“I’m. Not. Looking. At. You,” Opal strained through her sentence as she was being thrusted into. She had to admit it: this sex was poggers. It was hot, steamy (like The Medium room on Monday night), and to tally wrong. But yet, so totally right.

“I want to soak you in my seed,” Justin creamed.

Ugh, I don’t really want to end this night sticky, but it has also been a few months since I creamed myself, so I guess a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, thought Opal. “Fine, but only if you lick it off after wards– I don’t want any evidence of this,” said Opal, getting ready for probably the best climax she’s ever had.

Justin brought them over to Opal’s desk and sat her down. “Ugh, not here,” Opal said as she felt paper on her booty cheeks.

“Why are there so many papers and books on this desk?” Justin ques tioned

“I’m a double major in Biology and Chemistry,” Opal started, “and double minoring in Chinese and–”

“Swallowing dis dick?” laughed Justin.

“If you say one more thing I’m grabbing your dick and strangling it out of my pussy,” Opal nearly yelled at Justin. No wonder I hate him, she thought.

“No need for violence, we only have a short time. We’ll save that naughty stuff for later,” thrusted Justin with a far off look on his face.

“No later, only now. I’m only fucking you because I’m horny as shit, so don’t get any ideas,” said Opal as she contorted her body to be in the most uncomfortable position ever for this orgasm, in order to convince herself that she won’t enjoy it (she will).

30 seconds later, the two were on the ground gasping as if they just ran the Rutgers bed races*. “That was good,” Justin breathed.

“K. Now leave,” Opal shooed him away and slammed the door shut, trying to forget this wonderfully awful experience.

*editorial comment: Which you can watch on October 20th at 9PM on Sicard!

" How low do you have to stoop in this country to be President?"

BY MICYCLE SNEAKER AND DOG MEAT JONES

The sports section of this paper is written primarily by Dogmeat Jones, with frequent contribution from myself, Micycle Sneaker. We are the driving (pun intended) forces behind the hard-hitting (pun intended) journalistic prowess shown here each week. As such, we believe that the 18-inning-long final bout of the 2022 ALDS is a perfect opportunity to break down

exactly what we do on game day to make sure we can provide proper insight and analysis for our loyal readers.

Innings 1-4

Micycle (M): At the gym; I need a clear head to dissect what makes a team tick.

Jones (J):I took a break from watching the game to shower and shave. I came back at the fourth inning and started drinking, I

Alex Albon's Appendix To Drive For Williams In 2023

BY: WALTER KOSTER’S LEFT

As the 2022 Formula 1 season draws to an end, with Max Verstappen’s victory at Suzuka all but confirming him as the 2022 World Driver’s Championship winner, there has been a flurry of drivers being shifted back and forth from various teams, with Nyck De Vries replacing Pierre Gasly at AlphaTauri, who, in turn, will be replacing Fernando Alonso at Alpine, who, in turn (again), will be replacing four-time world champion, Sebastian Vettel, at Aston Martin, who will be replacing absolutely no one. Amidst all this chaos, many have wondered who would replace Nicholas ‘The GOAT’ Latifi at Williams Racing for the 2023 season, as it is clear his contract will not be renewed, with speculation that Logan Sargeant, an American F2 driver who’s lately joined the Williams Driver Academy, would be a viable candidate depending on if he is able to fulfill the Super License requirement by the end of the F2 season.

Recently, however, Williams has made an announcement putting that theory to rest; starting in 2023, Williams will be the first F1 team to have a non-human driver in the form of Alex Albon’s recently removed appendix, also known as ‘AAA’.

When we asked Williams team principal Jost Capito about the reasoning behind the matter, he said: “With the season about to end, we desperately needed a new driver to fill in Latifi’s seat. As we weren’t sure whether Sargeant would get the points needed for his Super License, we had an idea.

Since Albon had his appendix removed last month, they would technically be a part of Albon, who fulfills the requirement. Considering Albon’s skill, if AAA had even a tenth of his talent, they should be a viable candidate to drive for next year. In addition to that, since AAA only weighs 6.9 grams, they should have a lighter car, which should give us an advantage over the competition next year.”

FUCKING INNINGS!

drank a beer..

Innings 5-9:

M: Completely forgot the game was happening, did laundry.

J: I got bored watching the game, I went to watch some pornography, I finished at the 8th inning and returned to the game. I drank another beer.

Inning 10:

M: Got text from Dogmeat that the game was 0-0 going into extra innings.

J: Sent text to group chat about how the game is 0-0 going into extra innings. I start to despair for the current state of baseball.

Inning 11:

M: Struggled to find a quasi-legal stream of the game. [IS THIS OK TO SAY? IT'S THE TRUTH BUT STILL]

J: I watched the game and wondered what the fuck. I start understanding when my friends say that baseball is boring.

Inning 12:

M: Watched the game.

J: I went and shaved again.

Innings 13-15:

M: Drove an hour to Wayne to attend a book club.

J: I opened a bottle of Southern Comfort and made two mixed drinks with it.

Inning 16-17:

M: Found out it’s somehow still going. Ignored the discussion about spiritual growth through helping others and listened to the game through a singular bluetooth earbud.

J: I started drinking the whiskey straight from the bottle.

Inning 18:

M: Actually contributed to the discussion, helped clean up.

J: I finish the bottle; my vision is blurry but I can still see the pitiful score.

Post game:

M: Checked my phone and saw that the Mariners lost.

J: I cursed the failure of the Mariners. I curse the Astros more than I have since 2019. I love this game, but fuck do I hate it sometimes.

Charles Barkley's new contract with TNT: By the Numbers

years of the contract

Rings that Shaq has 0.1

Centimeters, the space between Kenny’s knees

Hoping for The Phillies

Rings that Chuck has 100,000

Sus things Shaq and Chuck will say in the next 10 years

ASTROS’ LANCE MCCULLERS AND MARINERS’ GEORGE KIRBY WERE WORSE FOR WEAR AND HAIRIER AFTER THE 18-INNING BALLGAME.

million dollars that Barkley will be paid 4