This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 20th, 2021
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ PEANUTS, MORE LIKE DEEZ NUTS
JIMMY CARTER DISAPPOINTED ATTEMPT TO KILL ANOTHER LIVING PRESIDENT FAILS BY HARRY NUTTSACC HOPE YOU'RE NOT ALLERGIC
Jimmy Carter's latest attempt to whittle down the number of surviving U.S. presidents has failed as Bill Clinton returned home from the hospital on Sunday after being treated for a blood infection. Carter, who is currently the longest-living president in our history, has made clear attempts in the past to remove other living presidents from the running. The most recent attempt in this list ended with Clinton being hospitalized. Last Tuesday, Clinton was rushed to the hospital with a serious infection that many were concerned was COVID; thankfully, Clinton's health improved and he was returned to his home and his smoking-hot babe of a wife. This news, however, is unpleasant for the would-be assassin Carter. According to one of Carter's
appointed Secret Service agents, Carter laid in wait in a ghillie suit in the bushes outside of Clinton's home last Tuesday evening. As Clinton emerged to make a phone call to his new secretary (it is worth noting that he clearly has
a type), Carter allegedly used a blowgun to inject Clinton with an unknown bacteria. Whatever it was, it quickly put Clinton in the hospital. When the Secret Service agent was asked why they did not intervene, they said they wanted to give this win to Carter and that, Continued on Page 2
SOLIDARITY, MOTHERFUCKER
JOHN DEERE CEO WONDERS WHY STARVING WORKERS WON’T EAT CAKE BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE SLINGING COCK SINCE '99
With the COVID-19 pandemic bringing shifts not only to society but also to the economy at large, many people have begun to realize just how drastically fucked over they’ve been by major corporations for the past few decades. With many workers, primarily those in the service industry, quitting their jobs over low pay and terrible working conditions, the message has become more clear to the masses: the working man deserves far, far better. There couldn’t be a better example of this societal shift than the labor strike taking place at John Deere, one of the most prominent agricultural equipment
manufacturers in the US. The strike is a result of a contract dispute between John Deere’s unionized workforce and the company itself, as a recent vote on a new contract resulted in it being rejected by roughly 90% of John Deere’s workers. This is mainly due to
dissatisfaction with the measly increases associated with the new contract, such as a 5% increase of wages upon the contract’s passage. Furthermore, the company has seen record profits for the year, and, in addition, many workers have Continued on Page 2
Exploring Shit Pipes Since 1970
QUICKIES
The Medium Wages Turf War With Daily Targum Local Man Doesn't Speak Fucking French Why Are You Reading This Quickie, You Damn Pleb Seriously, Stop Reading These Or Else You'll Be Hunted Down Colin Powell, Former US General, Unable To Defeat COVID Route 18 To Become A New Swimming Pool For Rutgers Swim Team Midterms New Torture Device Made By The CIA CDC says J&J Vaccines Are "Some Real Pussy Shit"
the Medium
NEWS
"You better finish this shit."
INSERT PEANUT PUN HERE EVERYONE'S AN EXPERT "The man needs more in his life than just building houses." The agent also told us that this is not Carter's first attempt on the life of a former president and that it would not have been his first success, either. Most recently, Carter placed lubrication on the stairs to Air Force One, causing President Biden to continuously slip and fall. Before that, Carter gave Melania Trump a Poison Ivy-esque lipstick laced with COVID-19; despite Melania's best efforts, this also failed to kill then-President Trump (I can only imagine how difficult it was to kiss him at all). However, Carter's agents say that he was successful in killing both George H.W.
Wednesday, October 20th, 2021
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
I NEED MONEY FOR MY FIFTH YACHT ...continued from front
Bush and Ronald Reagan using poisons that mimicked natural causes. Apparently, Reagan's assassination was the most difficult, as Carter had to best Nancy in hand-to-hand combat. Carter's Secret Service believes that this recent failure will not deter him, though, and that Carter will certainly assassinate Clinton.
MAKE YOUR DONATION reportedly had to work as long as 10-12 hours per shift in order to meet demand. In spite of the stated increase in company profits, John Deere hasn’t budged on the contract. To quote an interview we had with the CEO of John Deere, John C. May, “Good grief, the gall of these people to just think they deserve living wages! I mean, come on, I’m already bending over backward to allow these plebs to make $30 per hour. Maybe if they just pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and stopped cranking out kids, they could live decently on $30! I mean how much is rent these days? $500 a month? Whatever, why don’t they just eat fucking cake or
...continued from front
something, the plebs?” As of now, there are currently no plans for union workers to cease the strike, until contract terms can be agreed upon, with negotiations likely to persist into next year.
RUTGERS IS A BUREAUCRATIC MESS
OFFICE OF STUDENT AFFAIRS SENDS PROMO CARDS FOR REPRINT BY COMMON CENTSMAN RUSA IS A BUREAUCRATIC MESS
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IF YOU HAVE ANY GOOD IDEAS FOR THIS PAPER, PLEASE DON'T SEND IT TO US! ANYTHING BUT THAT! THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARD ROOM OR ROOM 109
Editorial Staff Fall 2021
Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Quinlan Van Es
Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Personals Editors
Carlos Domenech Kelly Manniello Quinlan Van Es John Mahoney Kiran Subramanian Page A7 Editor Amit Ofek
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche
Doug Willig Kyle Sabin Carlos Domenech Quinlan Van Es Surprise Gonorrhea
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to all students struggling with midterms.
Wednesday, October 20th, 2021 themedium.submissions@gmail.com
FEATURES “He doesn't even speak French.”
THAT'S ONE SAUCY CRACK
Top 5 Things to Eat Out of Someone Else’s Asshole By Harry Nuttsaac
the Medium
IF YOU'RE READING THIS HMU ;)
How to Get My Friend’s Roommate to Fuck Me By PP Harding
This is a step-by-step guide on how I will one day get my friend’s roommate to fuck me. Yes, I’m still on this, OKAY?!?! Step 1: Make sure I am the only woman he has contact with. If he can’t see the other women, he can’t think of the other women. I will become a constant in his life and he will depend on my company for the smallest shred of female interaction. Step 2: Follow him to Starbucks to find out his go-to order and then every time I come over, I'll bring him his favorite drink. Should be easy because apparently, he’s there like all the time. I will condition him to associate me with his favorite coffee, that way when he drinks it or even smells it, he will think of me.
5. Chicken salad: it's better up someone's ass than it is in a sandwich, I promise you! Pack it right up there and enjoy pulling that stringy chicken right out, Lady and the Tramp style (but instead of two dogs, it's someone's asshole and you, ya filthy animal). 4. Crab cakes: while it may be difficult to keep those crab cakes intact when shoving them up someone else's cake, it's definitely worth it. For a little extra oomph, pour some tartar or horseradish sauce in after, like a mini butt chug. 3. Meatloaf: I like nothing more than seeing meatloaf in someone's ass, the meat dish or the singer. Nice and juicy, with just a little bit of grandma's secret sauce, this is one of my favorite meals. 2. Fudge: I don't think this one needs to be explained, but I'll do it anyway: the fudge will pair nicely with the nearby nuts. Bet that isn't what you were thinking, huh? 1. Jalapeno poppers: trying to carefully bite into these poppers without getting the juices all over your partner can be tricky, but that's part of the fun. Bonus points if your partner is slowly pushing it out as you mow down.
HEY! HEY YOU! COME TO THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS FROM 8 - 9 PM IN THE LSC BOARD ROOM OR ROOM 109 DEPENDING ON THE WEEK! THAT'S RIGHT, WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOING TO BE CUZ WE'RE A FUCKING MESS! COME FIND US TEEHEE
Step 3: Make prolonged eye contact with him always. I want to show him that I am not afraid of commitment, even if that commitment is to stare at him for long periods of time or even a commitment to writing about the same topic several weeks in a row for him to notice. Step 4: Start falling asleep in his bed before he comes back from class. The first time he might be a gentleman and sleep on the couch, but if I do it often enough, maybe he will just give up and sleep with me. Men who settle win the medal, but in this case, the medal is my sexy bod. Step 5: Steal his phone while he is going to the bathroom and change all of the contacts to be my number. That way, no matter who he calls, I will answer. It’s not like anyone remembers their loved ones’ phone numbers anymore anyway so it’s not like he’d be able to change any of them back. He will be stuck with me always. Hopefully, after all this, he will just give up. After I have worn him down, he will have no choice but to want to fuck me. Haha, I did it!
WE'RE GONNA NEED ANOTHER LIST 3 Things You Can Do with a The Medium Paper Instead of Reading It By Sparky Highroller Now that The Medium is being printed, we understand that it is hard to find uses for print media. With only 3% of news for 18-29 year olds coming from print media (according to Pew Research Center), we at The Medium want to provide you with alternative uses for our paper. Fire Starter: With winter coming, it is important to stay warm so you don’t end up like a Texan in a snowstorm. With the rise in energy costs thanks to Bidenflation, finding new sources of warmth can be hard. Getting high: We get it, college is stressful. As a result, we at The Medium have two tested ways to get high using the newspaper. First, we found that huffing that nice ink smell usually does the trick. The alternative would be to use the paper as a surface for snorting. The mixture of the ink with the cocaine leads to, according to the writers, “amazing results." Cum Catcher: You know that feeling when you're about to bust a load, but your handy sock is not there to catch it? Thankfully, with its wood pulp and pre-folding, The Medium paper is perfect for catching that jizz. Plus, with The Medium being a weekly publication, you’ll have plenty of issues to use this on. Hopefully, this list comes in handy when you need to find uses for our paper.
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 20th, 2021
"The apprentice learns from the master, the master learns from the god."
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
I'M SO FUCKING HOT HELP
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What do you think of when you masturbate? "Your mom." Ashley Johnson Ha, your mom's a slut
"How good it feels to totally own the libs." Larry Smith Brought to you by Turning Point USA "Your Opinions Editor, he's so sexy. Bald men are REALLY hot." *Fake Name* Remember to change fake name to something believable
MORE COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE BATHROOMS?
Grievances of a Tall Man BY DOGMEAT JONES
Before I start complaining let me introduce myself. My name is Dogmeat Jones, Dogmeat for short. I have been at Rutgers for 6 weeks now; it has been great so far but there have been issues, mainly dealing with my height. It seems that the facilities at Rutgers are not made for a man of my size. To make this clear, I am not a 7 foot giant. I am 6 feet tall, that is 2 inches taller than the average of 5’ 10. It shouldn’t be unusual then for me to expect to fit in my new home. That has not been the case. The area that frustrates me the most is the bathrooms. Starting with the stalls; I don’t fit in the stalls. For the regular size stalls, my knee rests on the toilet paper holder and my feet stick out of the door. So the only stall I can use is the handicap one. The problem with that is when I stand up my head rises about the stall divider. That means everyone in the bathroom knows when I am wiping my ass, that is not knowledge I am comfortable with people knowing. Another problem I have is with the showers, mainly that I am taller than the shower head. So I have to turn my head down to wash my hair. The shower head is the perfect height for my crotch. Add that with the fact the water starts cold, then gets warm. Meaning that every shower starts with a blast of icicles to my ball bag. How refreshing.
The Weekly Busch Rant: I Have ThirdDegree Burns on My Back BY KIRA AMETHYST
Hello again. I debated long and hard about what aspect of Busch Campus I wanted to rant about this week, because my list lengthens every day I wake up here. And then this morning I was nearly hospitalized because of the fucking shower in my suite. You see, the showers in Busch Suites are sent directly from the lowest circles of hell. Their temperature settings range from “hot” to “self-immolation.” The shower head is too low for my 5’11 self, and yet cannot be adjusted because it’ll break off from the wall and cause leaks on the entire floor. But the worst, most atrocious part of the Busch showers is the fact that they get off on physically harming me. Now, I’m not against impact play. But the fucking shower head in my suite apparently likes me a little too much, because it will, without warning, spike in temperature, searing whatever skin its fluids touch. I can feel every single one of the millions of epidermal cells on my back screaming as they abruptly melt off of me. Usually, the water flow will falter before each occurrence, but as of late it’s stopped doing this! So this morning I almost collapsed and fucking died when my back, neck, and head were suddenly coated with lava. I screamed in pain just as one of my roommates walked past, and I genuinely wanted to kill myself. In conclusion, fuck Busch. Signed, the Medium writer asking for money via Venmo for hydrocortisone cream. I WAS BACKED INTO A CORNER
Rutgers' Bathrooms Are Literally the Fucking Worst BY PIKE MENCE
Okay, I've been going to Rutgers for almost four years now and I can guarantee you that literally every single bathroom that is not in an apartment is horrific. Why can Rutgers not maintain their fucking facilities? I would NEVER blame the actual janitors for this shit, we all know that Rutgers does not pay their employees well enough. Instead, I'm going to blame the fucking administration. If you are lucky enough to find a bathroom that is all in one piece (extremely unlikely the closer you get to College Ave), you're sure to find the same complaints that these other writers have: the showers are way too short, the water pressure and temperature are dog, the toilets are either too tall or too short, none of the facilities are designed for anyone other than a 5'9", 180lb white man. I cannot stand using of these bathrooms, and like I said, it only gets worse on College Ave: shitting in the basement of the River Dorms is like shitting in a Russian gulag circa 1943. I cannot get over the chilling feeling of shitting in Campbell before one of my classes, I still get nightmares sometimes.
Wednesday, October 20h, 2020
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
ARTS
"OIL SPILLS MAKE PRETTY ART..."
"CRUSHING IT CRUSH!" BY CIN DRARIUG
"SHIT ON THE WALL"
"DEBT" BY CIN DRARIUG
the Medium
PERSONALS
the Medium Questions
"I don't care who you send, I'm not paying taxes."
Answered
Why is my daughter such a Why my coochie stink so tease? She is always walk- much? ing around with that short (Oh honey.) dress and pig tails. She knows what she is doing. Help! I have become obsessed with President (This is a natural feeling Hollaway. I see him in my that one always has. I have dreams. He is all I can think fucked my own daughter on about. How can I focus on multiple occasions, usually anything else while his in front of my wife and sexy ass is out there? girlfriend) I have fantasized about hav- (You can't. Surrender to the ing a threesome with Tim power of Daddy Hollaway and Moby from Brainpop, s c r u m - d i d d l y l i c o u s licking the orange metal off asshole.) Moby's ass while getting pegged my Tim. How do I My dick is stuck in my ass. How do I get it out? go about this? (I would suggest getting a (Stop clenching. I know it lot of clay and start mak- feels good. But you gotta ing anatomically statues of stop clenching) your fantasy and start goMy pussy keeps leaking. ing hog wild. Have fun.) How do I get it to stop? How do I get the reptillians (Maybe stop fantasizing to leave me alone? Everywhere I go I see a 11 foot about Dddy Hollaway! That tall lizard man with a 2 foot should do it. If not, look up long black double dildo in Mitch McConnell smiling) his claw. What should I do? I'm a senator trying to make a name for myself, what (Take that dildo. and ram it should I do? so far up your ass, it comes out your mouth. Submit to (1. Have an Affair (the more the better) 2. Cry on alien lizard daddy.) the senate floor in front of the cameras)
Word of the Week:
Prolapsed Asshole
n. What I did with your mom last night
You want drugs? Us too but that's not happening, so instead come to a Medium meeting. Wednesdays @ 8 p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room or Room 109. Who Fucking Knows
Badly
I want to fuck bitches and get money but I'm with a tiny cock. What should I do to achieve my dream? (Real talk, the right girls don't care about the size of you dick, If she does, She isn't for you king) I have trouble with direction, what should I do? (Get a boner and use your penis as a compass. Let it guide you.)
Wednesday, October 20th, 2021
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
CELEBS ON COLIN POWELL
During a heavy night of drinking. I got a large tattoo of Hello Kitty on my left cheeck. How can I go to my job as a stock trader like this? (Well, you're wearing a mask right? Just continue being COVID-safe! What are people gonna do, tell you to take off your mask?? Superspreader alert!) My stepson is a little shit. What do I do about him? (Well, first try family therapy. If that doesn't work, go to an abortion clinic in a filthy fascist blue state for your trademarked postbirth abortion!?) How do I get my son his dream black cock? (Go down Angelson Boulevard. with $50 like the rest of us.)
More Shit How do I tell my wife about my burp fetish? (At dinner, give her soda and engage in coitus with burps happening. Rinse and repeat until notices) I have $50,000 in student debt. what should I do? (Fake your death after you have your degree. What they gonna do? sue a coprse. I don't think so!) Quick, I just shit myself. What do I use to wipe myself? (Use this paper. Unless you have cleaned yourself since sending this question in; you filthy animal!) How do I make Meghan Fox fall in love with me? (Not going to happen you ugly piece of shit. Grow content with your crusty fleshlight. No woman is going to love you )
Come to a Medium Meeting; unless you're a pussy. Pussy! Wednesdays @ 8 p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room or Room 109
PAGE A7
Wednesday, October 20th, 2021
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
the Medium
"Why is Bono Up My Ass?!" - Bono
GOVERMENT SPENDING - I HARDLY EVEN KNOW HER!
My Governmental Shopping List By Anne Capp
On September 28th, CNN reported that the government is going to run out of money by October 18th. Now, assuming CNN is actually telling the truth, which at this point is a 1090 chance, we have to be ready for the major fallout. No, not the destruction of the financial markets, not the end of Western democracies. We have to be ready for the major sales that are going to be happening with the end of funding. The sales are going to be so massive they’ll be like a Californian forest after a gender reveal party. After much consideration, I have come up with a list of things that I plan on buying:
Nukes: With the government collapsing, I figured this would be the best time to get nukes. Now, the question would be how many nukes I should buy? The answer: All of them. With the nukes at my disposal, I will finally accomplish my dream of destroying Switzerland (at this point, I have the God-given duty to attack them, they’ve had it too good for too long. GO TO WAR BITCH!) and the
Danish; conquering Greenland; and moving to “liberate” the rest of the world. Different states: Now that the US federal government is going to collapse, it is only a matter of time before the state and local governments fall. Because I have all the nukes, Greenland, the UK, and access to alien technology thanks to Area 51, my next goal would be to buy up the states or at least force them to surrender. Now, this is the tricky part because I would have to be strategic about the states. After careful consideration, I have selected them: I would buy California (tech sector + LA bitches), Texas (oil money + country bitches + access to Mexico if need be), Alaska (so I can finally climb Mount McKinley and possibly invade Russia), Florida (no reason except to see if Walt Disney’s body is cryogenically frozen under Disney World), and Nebraska (just to gain control of the meth labs). TICTOK MY DICDOK
An Ode to Cupcakke Remixes By Queenelizabethspantydrawer
SHHHHHH.... DON'T TELL MY MOM
Last Night Confession By Faque Name
I want to lick doorknobs-specifically the doorknobs on Busch campus. Mostly so those nerds have to feel my saliva on their spindly hands. I bet it's the first time they have interacted with a bodily fluid since the last time they pissed themselves. Fucking nerds. HI-KU
Terrible Crime By Faque Name
I am in this cage because I consume little ones with a fork I eat babies with hot sauce
My hand is tired of supporting my thumb as it swipes up and up on my phone screen. The content is boring today. Happy couples in cars and parties for straight people. Lit. crazy. movie. And then all of a sud den I hear it, the begin ning of Demi Lovato’s (reminder: they/them pronouns)
And my hand is reinvigorated by the moans that leave my phone speaker: I’m horny oooooooo I’m horny! Come onnnnnnn!
October 20th, 2021 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPORTS is what this page is supposed to be about I think
THE MEDIUM SPORTS EDITOR FIRED AFTER FAILING TO CREATE INTERESTING BACKPAGE HEADLINES
NAME REDACTED WATCHING AN EPISODE OF THE SITUATION ROOM WITH WOLF BLITZER BY: UMMMMMM
In a not-at-all stunning development, long-time Medium Sports Editor Name Redacted was fired Tuesday after being unable to create compelling backpage headlines for the paper. Mr. Redacted
had been the Sports Editor for the past two years, as he was the only member of the paper who had enough sports knowledge to write on the topic (he was the only member of the sports department). However,
his lack of dedication to the publication became clear over time, ultimately resulting in termination. At various points during his tenure, Mr. Redacted showed flashes of greatness. Pre-COVID headlines such as “Antonio Brown Live Streams Himself Jacking Off on Instagram” from January 2020 and “Rutgers Fans Set to Pack Arena For B1G Tournament While Players Will Remain at Home Due to Coronavirus Fears” from March 2020 caused Medium staff to believe Redacted had potential to be a sports-writing GOAT. This allowed him to remain in his position through the pandemic (along with the fact that he was the only sports writer at the paper). However, things changed in September 2021 when Redacted began displaying some odd behaviors. He began not showing up for Medium staff meetings to watch recorded episodes of The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer from 2007. Other members
12 Types Of people That Are Reading NBA This (Sports) article Right Now BY: NO I’M NOT PUTTING MY REAL NAME ON THIS BYLINE
initially were able to look past this - they were also fans of the German-born news anchor - but once Redacted’s writing quality decreased, they knew something had to be done. The breaking point eventually came when Redacted’s backpage headlines began to be complete and utter garbage, causing no one to read the sports page of the paper. October 13th’s headline “Breaking: Student Reads Backpage of Physical Newspaper” shocked other staff members - how could a sports newspaper writer make fun of his own media type? Upper management of the staff convened for a secret meeting, and on October 15th, 2021, the decision was made to fire Name Redacted as Sports Editor of The Medium. Yet, the firing caused an eerie question to arise. If the Sports Editor -- the only person who created content for the sports page of this newspaper -- was fired, then who wrote this article?
Season Preview: By the Numbers
BY: ADAM SILVER'S GLASSES
1. You’re the guy who reads the first part of the article, loses interest, then leaves. 2. Since you are still here, 1 no longer applies to you. 3. You’re the guy who realizes that this is on the sports page of this COVID-19 vaccines paper, but is not a sports article. 4. I’m the guy who points out that the word “sports” is in the above received so far by Kyrie title in parentheses just to keep things semi-sports-related so I don’t Irving get fired. 5. You’re the guy who just looked up at the title of this article after reading the above point, and you are now questioning why words like “Of” are capitalized in the title while “people” and “article” aren’t. 6. Well, maybe you weren’t wondering that, but now because it was Sexy music video featured brought up, you are. 7. You’re the guy who points out that 1, 3, and 5 already started Kawhi Leonard with “You’re the guy”, so using that phrase again for 7 is a bit repetitive. 8. I’m the guy who points out that while that is true, a more pressing thing to point out would have been that 2 and 6 don’t even describe types of people reading this article, so the title being “12 Types Of people” is not really accurate. 9. My boss at this paper is the guy who fires me after reading all this shit. Free throw percentage 10. The writer taking over right now for the above dude who was this season of Ben fired is the guy currently not sure how to finish this article. Simmons 11. You are the moron still reading this. 12. And those are the 12 types. Hope you had both a religious and sexually arousing experience reading this masterpiece.
1
0
Person who noticed Jared Dudley retired this offseason
(Way) 2
3 People who can currently name a single player on the San Antonio Spurs roster
4%
95 Number jersey that Deandre’ Bembry and Juan Toscano-Anderson wear. Yes, that is essential information
Making a Newspaper That You Probably Shouldn't Read SINCE 1970