The Medium 10/26/22

BY: A RUTGERS BUS RIDER LOOKING FOR A VIRGIN

Antonio Calcado, the Executive Vice President & Chief Operating Officer, announced plans to accelerate the replacement of the aging bus system. He noted a large number of complaints from members of the Rutgers community, with an order for a new fleet of buses being placed in response. However, with the COVID-19 pandemic, the order has been delayed indefinitely due to production and procurement issues, which will likely not be solved (unless RBS Supply Chain Majors are actually capable of finding work). In search of a stopgap solution, Calcado has reportedly made an unprecedented and shocking decision; sacrifice a vast majority of Rutgers buses in a brief series of demonic rituals in order to acquire better buses. The ceremonies are slated to

take place on Livingston Plaza on Halloween night at 11:00 PM, as the grounds will provide sufficient space for the ceremony to take place. Calcado, along with numerous staff members, will oversee the ritual. The old buses are to be positioned into a pentagram, with the LX buses parked in the center. The ritual will require 69 Fat Sandwiches from RUHungry,

22 electric Veo scooters, a pile of money equivalent to the amount the football team shelled out on grubhub, and one virgin of no particular sex/gender, who will likely be sourced from the Rutgers Engineering Program.

If the sacrifice is successful, the souls of the old buses are expected to be ripped from their mortal

Vampire Appalled By Amount Of Garlic Powder Sprinkled On Pizza

Man Attempts Monster Mash, Ends Up Doing Graveyard Smash

BY ANIMALS AND CREATURES TYPED BY A PIG

Stephen King’s newest novel, AAAAAAAAAAA, (he claims every “A” stands for another word of a more complex, personal title) has been the hottest topic in the literary world. It is a compilation of the endings of various popular classics, but with twists: they are so, so spooky. The world-renowned horror author commented on his novel in a recent interview: “I am literally so old. I don’t care anymore. Every author is King; I am everywhere. They have artistic meaning and purpose if you just look deeper. You’d understand if you were in my wealthy, immortal shoes.”

It contains ten total classics’ endings with their King-esque twists,

but the most controversial is that of his retelling of F. Scott Fitzerald’s highly regarded, The Great Gatsby.

“It is a mashup of The Great Gatsby and The Great Pumpkin. Charlie Brown may or may not get beheaded by the green light,” King explains. Outcries against this twist have accused King of “defiling the

Great American Novel.” Another notable change he created in AAAAAAAAAAA’s version of Gatsby is in the iconic pool scene, where the novel’s namesake and main character is shot and murdered while swimming right outside of his own mansion.

Sighted On College Avenue, Actually Sports Editor On Drunken Midnight Walk

hells, and incarnated into brand new hulls. Calcado hopes these new bodies will be self driving, or at the very least, will not take breaks every 15 minutes. Additionally, the buses will be non-euclidean pocket dimensions, being able to hold an unlimited number of passengers. While the concern does exist of passengers possibly disappearing for weeks at a time due to the pocket dimension, many students are willing to risk their lives on the demonic bus solely for comfortable and efficient travel.

If the sacrifice fails, however (which wouldn’t be unexpected for Rutgers) the result will likely be that of demons spawning from

...continued from front

the Raritan River, who would be summoned to Livingston Plaza. This would not only lead to the destruction of Livingston Campus, but also would consequently cause Rutgers to lose its status as a R1 research university. To avoid this, Calcado has asked for donations in advance, in order to ensure that the sacrificing process is able to be executed without any issues.

All are welcome to attend the sacrifice, and Brower pizza will be served.

FR THOUGH, READ THE STAND, IT'S GOOD SHIT

INSERT STEPHEN KING COKE JOKE HERE

“It was so lame, I had to do something,” King explains, “Myrtle, the mistress who dies earlier in the story, is actually the one who kills him. Read my masterpiece Pet Sematary and you’d get it. The broad turns into a zombie and it rocks. She gets a flamethrower while she’s stumbling around looking for brains and takes Jay Gatsby out with that instead of a gun. Think Once Upon a Time in Hollywood… It is high art. Things need to be spookier.”

King’s controversial novel has been on the New York Times Best Seller list for three months straight. It currently has a 4.7/5-star rating on Goodreads.

Literature professors at Cornell, NYU, and Virginia Tech have adopted it as part of their curriculums.

DEINER PARK DISCOVERED TO BE A HUB OF HORRIFYING COSMIC ACTIVITY

BY: DEAD BARN ANIMAL CHILLING OUT

The River Dorms are a classic trio of oncampus Rutgers housing, all three including various hallways and classrooms underground. The three towers also stand in front of a large black-top and grassy landscape known as “Dernier Park,” beloved by students who want

space to shoot some hoops, get fresh air on a nighttime walk, or awkwardly move tables while groups of peers smoke weed right next to them. This hidden campus gem has basketball courts, plots of grass, bathroom facilities, tennis courts, and many other amenities punctuated by soft plots of grass. Most notably

is the onyx monolith that appeared in early October! Its low hum never ceases, and its strange black sheen never alters, no matter what angle the sun strikes it throughout the day. Unfortunately, students either do not know of it, or do not seem to care.

When asked about the monolith, an anonymous source stated, “Whenever I’m near the monolith I’m also stoned out of my mind, so I don’t really even notice. Love Dernier Park, man.”

Another source stated, “What’s Dernier Park? What?”

This is not the first strange and astounding event to take place in the park itself. Four years ago, the famous and mythical Fountain of Youth was discovered in the men’s bathroom. It’s glistening, metallic gold frame emerged from the floor, bursting a pipe and creating a maintenance nightmare. When interviewed, students from Class of 2019

gave varying answers.

“No I didn’t drink from it, man,” one alumni said, “You never have a beverage in the bathroom.”

“I didn’t even hear of this happening,” another stated when questioned, “What park? Behind the River Dorms?”

It is clear that students either disregard these phenomena, or remain completely unaware of them due to the location. With the newest announcement* that the Second Coming of Christ will reveal Himself in the Dernier Park tennis court (*it was revealed to every member of the Rutgers student body in a dream on October 8th, 2022), there must be a compelling excitement for people to gather into hordes, ready to see the event of the millennium. However, mobs dwindled when people realized their lack of enthusiasm for finding out where the location even is.

EDITOR'S NOTE: DURING THE PRODUCTION OF THIS PAPER, OUR PERSONALS EDITOR WAS BRUTALLY ASSAULTED, WITH THE PERSONALS PAGE ALSO BEING MURDERED IN THE PROCESS. WHILE THESE EVENTS TOOK PLACE, I PERSONALLY ENSURED THAT EVERYTHING WAS RECORDED, NOT BECAUSE I'M ALSO THE SECRETARY, BUT BECAUSE I WANTED TO SELL THE FOOTAGE ON THE BLACK MARKET. AS TO WHO COMMITTED THIS ACT... I AIN'T A FUCKING SNITCH. - MICHAEL C. HAWKE

DICK”

Horrorscopes

By: Ronald Burz

Libra (Sep. 23-Oct. 22): It’s Libra season, which means your energy may feel elevated. Do not let this burst in confidence overwhelm you; the divine watcher has you in his best interest.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Keep your head up, Scor pio! You’ll find success in times of stress through natural give and take. Give in. Give your devotion to Lord Zarnub.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): This month will come with an abundance in relationships and love! Enjoy this time, but do not let it overshadow your love for Lord Zarnub.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You’ve been working hard on yourself! There is no shame in taking a break; consider entering the Obsidian Gate.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Lord Zarnub is in need of followers, and your boost in charisma has you feeling like a natural leader this month. Crush that charisma. Grind it into a fine powder. Give it to Lord Zarnub.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): You silly little fish. Your month will go swimmingly. Try a hot bath and crank up those crazy tunes!

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): His honor most divine is thirsting for your devout flesh and blood. Your off spring may follow in your humble, sickly footsteps through the Obsidian Gate, where you may help Lord Zarnub grow stronger, until his jaws may collapse upon every heretic.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20): Blood… blood… AAU UUGGGGHhhhhGguuggggHHHUUhuhghghgh ghgh

Gemini (May 21-Jun. 20): He will rise… He will rise… He will rise…

Cancer (Jun. 21-Jul. 22): As Saturn enters the Zarnubial formation, you may feel as if you are losing clarity. Find relief in refreshing and ground ing activities like yoga, or passing through the Obsidian Gate to serve Lord Zarnub.

Leo (Jul. 23-Aug. 22): You might start to notice changes in your close friends as you embark on the great path to Lord Zarnub. It is your duty to guide them towards his divine light.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22): This week, you should listen to the voices in your head. They are right, especially when they say things like “Run through the Obsid ian Gate and throw yourself into the embrace of Lord Zarnub. He will rise, and when fire rains upon one damned crew on the day of reckoning, we will rejoice in the crystalline embers. His wrathful screech is the song of honor. Blood. Blood. Blood. Blood.”

Is Scooby-Doo Named After Scooby Snacks Or Are They Named After Him?

By Resident Scooby-Doo Fan Nick Zysman

In 1969, humanity was changed forever by introducing a talking cartoon dog with a speech impediment. The "Scooby-Doo" series has been entertaining the young and old for generations. Since the first show aired, fans have created questions and theories about the show's universe and characters. Popular theories ask if Shaggy is a stoner (no) or if Velma is gay (yes). However, one question that does not receive enough attention is, "Is Scooby-Doo named after Scooby Snacks, or are they named after him?" No one has ever been able to adequately answer this question... until today.

The 2015 show "Be Cool, Scooby-Doo" is the only "Scooby-Doo" media to give an origin for the name. In an episode, the gang solves a mystery at a snack factory and the owner renames the snacks after Scooby. Since this show is more recent, many people will not take this as the canon origin. But, this might be close to the actual explanation. In"Scooby-Doo Goes Hollywood", Scooby is shown being a television star who is beloved by children. Meaning it's possible that Scooby is the spokesdog for Scooby Snacks. Some people might hate this explanation since it is too meta, however, this explanation works on another level. Scooby Snacks exist in real life (although they are regular snacks, not dog treats), they are named after him and he is the mascot. So my answer is: ScoobyDoo is a celebrity in the Doo-niverse and is the spokesdog for the dog-treat brand Scooby Snacks which he is the namesake. Now, if you disagree with this answer, that is completely fine. However, guess what? I don't give a shit. Scooby-Doo is a cartoon dog. We have better questions we could be asking, like: does Fred say "fuck”?

BANANAS

Racing To Bed After Bed Races

By: Hugh Janus

You might not know this, but The Medium recently participated in the annual Bed Races, and let me tell you, it was so much better than I expected it to be. So our banana men began sprinting, when suddenly, one of our Editors did a tumble roll. I couldn’t see the whole thing, but I documented it and analyzed the video closely. Our poor A7 and Sports Editor did an entire roll and was then forced to get up and continue the race. As terrible as this sounds, it was hilarious. It’s so on-brand for The Medium to do something like that. It might have even been intentional because they were dressed as bananas, get it? But our bed had to have been the best decorated. It doesn’t get any better than President Holloway as a figurehead and Hillary Clinton in the bed. Aside from The Medium’s poor performance, Sir Henry was the star of the show. He is that bitch. He was getting it on the entire time and I love him so much for it. If only he threw it back.

COME TO LSC ROOM 109 ON WEDNESDAY AT 8PM TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PERSONALS PAGE. IF ANYONE ASKS, I WAS IN DIS DICK.

Where

"I was at RU Hungry attempting to eat my way into ascending into a higher plain, or to descend into Delaware!"

- Publius, Opinions Editor.

On giving an alibi.

"He's an upstanding citizen!

I'm sure he would never do anything distasteful! "

- Medium Man

On corroborating Publius's

"He probably fuckin did it lol"

- Kyle Sabin, Former Opinions Editor

On corroborating Publius's Alibi!

BY A CONCERNED WOMAN

This question recently stumped me as I was scrolling through my many likes and conversations on Hinge.

I had posted a clip of a new song by an upcoming group named The Rutgurls, and there is a line in the song that talks about, "pushing dat pussy." One of my aforementioned matches commented on that line saying that he’s been “tugging and pulling on that pussy all this time” but also could not answer as to what he was tugging and pulling on. Now, as a woman, I believe it is my civic duty to inform the male population about something important about female anatomy: there is never, under any circumstances, a time that you should be tugging and/or pulling on any female sexy part. That shit hurts just thinking about it!

But, dear readers, there is more to this conversation that I just cannot believe. Mr. Hinge Match then continued the conversation by stating that everything he knows about women is from those Bop It toys. I’m gonna stop you right there, partner. First of all, you just compared a woman to a toy. Uh-uh. Red flag numero uno. Second of all, what the actual fuck does that mean? Are you bopping dat pussy?

Twisting it? We already know that you’re pulling it, so no need to circle back to that one. But still?! I am genuinely concerned: is this a common phenomenon? Has everyone’s 7th grade health class doomed you all to eternal stupidity? I must know. For now, that is all. Until next time, please don’t ever tug, pull, bop, or honestly do anything to dat pussy if you know what’s good for you (because you clearly don’t know what’s good for a woman). This guy definitely can’t 16 Handle it all.

BY OPAL SAPPHIRE

Hello dear reader, and welcome! to the ushiest, gushiest, wettest, slimiest piece of literature you will read this week (only to be topped by next week’s Opal Rant ;) ), the Weekly Opal Rant, hosted by yours truly, the Princess of Pussy, the Queen of Queefs, the Paragon of Poophole Sex, Opal Sapphire! And oh boy do I have a rant for you, because, dear reader, I fucked my boss and I don’t know how to feel about it!

So reader, remember how last week I ranted about how my dad invited my worst enemy to my penthouse without me knowing? Well, plot twist! My worst enemy is also my boss (yea, we fucking hate CEOs here; tax the rich!), and reader, I have a horrible thing to tell you: I fucked him. And it was good. It was so good. It was hot, and steamy, and sticky, and creamy… we were mmhmm’ing all over the place! His baby batter ballista, his its-all-right-i-guess, was so fucking veiny and girthy and lengthy, reader. It was shivering in my timbers, it was licketying my split, and I was licking up his spit (and other juices!). Reader, I didn’t know it was possible for cum to taste like avocado toast with everything-but-thebagel seasoning, but his cum tasted EXACTLY like it. If my IQ weren’t off the charts, I would think I was back at breakfast. But I don’t know what to do, reader… what if he finds out that I’m an employee? I can't lose my job! In this economy? Bitch please. -Stressed but still yours truly, Opal Sapphire

BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE

With a $250k budget, Terrifier 2 was released on 10/4/22 with the film immediately generating controversy. In regards to what this movie has going for it, it’s necessary first to address the elephant in the room: the film’s use of overt, egregious violence, a trait that I genuinely feel should be viewed in two ways. On the one hand, I’d argue this film’s direction takes much inspiration from the grindhouse and horror films of the 70s and 80s, an era in film widely known for its extreme display of bloodshed. In addition, many of the special effects used during the many grisly murder scenes in the film often had me in disgust and, simultaneously, in absolute awe at the technical prowess presented in a film with such a razor-thin budget.

On the other hand, Terrifier 2 is hollow, as beyond its impressive but practical effects, it has nothing else going for it in terms of plot or acting, the lack of which makes all the visceral body horror of the film collapse under its weight. Many of the killings that take place in this film seem to have virtually no motive and are often presented simply for sheer shock value. Overall, I’d give this film 2 stars out of 5. I would've given it 2.5 stars had I not seen the antagonist, Art the Clown, viciously hack away at a guy's dick before cleaving the bloody member off. Given that I viewed this film while in the sack, my once strong, vigorous cock popped off my crotch, grew a set of limbs, and fucked off to who knows where. If anyone has seen a 6 inch long penis running around campus, message us.

understudy: Ted Danson"

I

ABOUT WOMEN FROM BOP IT!

THIS RANT IS ONLY FOR JESSICA FROM NYC!

What Does One Mean When They Say That They Are Tugging and Pulling on That Pussy?

Editor when

was

Satanists Accidentally Summon Santa instead of Satan

By: High Priest Terry

During the weekend of October 21st, a local group of Satanists entered a patch of woods on Cook/Douglas to perform a dark ritual. Their plan that night was the ultimate ritual; they were going to summon the prince of darkness himself, Satan.

Something went wrong, though; the incantations were off. The group did summon something or someone that night, but who they summoned is not who they wanted.

After the completion of the complicated ceremony, there was an explosion, and the Satanists were thrown back. There was a red glow on the pentagram that was drawn in the dirt.

Standing on the pentagram was Santa Claus; the jolly Saint Nick himself. The boisterous man from the North Pole was confused. He gave the confused face-painted youth candy canes before summoning his shield and going home.

Local practitioner of the dark arts, Larry Haas testified that "it was really weird, man; we had done all the things that the book said we were supposed to do. There was an explosion, but instead of a demon standing in the pentagram, there was a fat guy with a white beard in red clothes. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I said I wanted a new bike, but I said it quietly so the other guys wouldn't hear me."

Haas also said that he should be referred to as The Dark Priest, but we thought that was dumb as shit. Fuck that.

Rip: Leslie Jordan

A7 Editor Statement

By: A7 editor Spunky McGee

Are you asking if I killed the personals page and if I attacked Personal Lee? You want the truth?

Ok, I’ll admit it. I was the one who did it. I killed the personals page! Why did I do it, you ask? It is quite simple, I killed the page because it always pissed me off.

I have no regrets about what I have done, but there is a problem. No one believes me, you are not the first person I have told, dear reader. I have told the police, as well as my fellow editors, but they keep laughing in my face and saying, “oh, Spunky, you are so funny.”

Part of me enjoys that my peers see me for the comic genius I am, but I want someone to believe me. The guilt is killing me, not like I how killed the personals page. It's a metaphor.

Campbell Hidden Tunnels: What I Found in the Terror Be-

By Lexa Preaux

In early October, all eyes were on Campbell Hall as reports of doors to dark, cave-like tunnels began multiplying. The entrance was an unassuming door to a closet marked “Scary Tunnels Right Here ;).” I was drawn to these claims, and before I knew it, I stood before the tunnels, prepared to uncover what lurked below Campbell.

When I entered through the mouth of the tunnel, I was met with a wave of mildew and the unmistakable, lingering stench of grape Four Loko. I was glad to see I wouldn’t be navigating through complete darkness alone; lining the rocky ceilings were strips of blue LED lights. My fingers traced along the wall, and I came upon writing and strange figures that appeared to be painted in blood. Strewn across the tunnels were “Embrace Lord Zarnub,” “Enter the Obsidian Gate,'' and images of creepy ghouls in chairlifts. It would be an understatement to say each discovery sent shivers spiraling across my scoliosis-ridden spine, but for the sake of journalistic integrity, I saw it as my duty to continue into this harrowing labyrinth.

Just as I was examining pictures of a gelatinous garden gnome who I can only assume is the physical manifestation of Lord Zarnub, I began to hear rustling and scratching. The sound led me through the depths of the tunnels to a cardboard box that was jerking side to side. Free kittens? Spare puppies? No, I knew it was a man when I started hearing whispers from within the box… “I’m in a box!,” “Why can’t my bisexual niece, Rebecca, just pick a side?” “Break me free from this place between time and reality, Lord Zarnub,” “How can I run for Senate in a box?” Everything it spoke beckoned me back to the beginning of the tunnel.

This thing in the cardboard box, it was elderly and it was crazy. I saw it more fit to let it die in the box than to make myself vulnerable to what was likely a dementia and rabies-ridden follower of this mysterious Zarnub figure. I made my way to the start, the weight of chilling sights dragging me down, yearning for an explanation for what I had just encountered. But even though, as a journalist, I look for conclusions, all I can gather from this journey is that some mysteries are better left in a cardboard box with no food or water.

Tired

Want To Go

JOINS THE RUTGERS FOOTBALL TEAM

Rutgers is a sleazy attempt of this university to improve its football team is purely disrespectful to this youngman and to this institution as a whole. This young man came to this university and country because hebelieves in the American dream that anyone from anywhere, with enough determination, can become anything they want to be”.Frankin Stein commented on the backlash by saying, “eeeerrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

BY: DOUG’S GHOST

The Rutgers football team got a new addition before Rutgers played againstIndiana on October 22nd. The addition came in the form of a new foreign exchange student. This student is an 8 feet tall, 450-pound wide receiverfrom Switzerland. The student goes by one name,the name of Frankenstein. Frankenstein, or Frank

for short, is a sophomore at the University of Geneva, where he was studying supply chain management.

Frank came to this country on the evening of October 16th. Frank has only had little time to get adjusted to his new surroundings before the press conference

announce his joining thefootball team.

universities of the Big 10 learned about Rutgers newest acquisition, there was a massive uproarabout how this was a transparent cheap plow of Rutgers to get a ringer for the struggling football team. Head coach GregSchiano defended Frank’s enrollment at Rutgers with the statement, “Those who say that Mr.Stein’s pursuitof further education here at

There have been some struggles for Frank, he needed a custom jerseyand helmet because even the largest equipment that the football program didnot fit him. His time to shine was against Indiana. It was all on the line, and Frank succeeded. He ran for 67 yards and threetouchdowns. There was some concern when Frank’s foot fell off as he was running into the endzone for his second touchdown, but the team was able to sew him back together.

I didn’t kill that fucking annoying ass personals page. First, I am on parole, and I’m not going back to fucking jail.

Besides, I couldn’t do it anyway; this weekend, The Phillies won the National League Champion Series against the San Deigo Padres. As a good Phillies fan, I was down in my native Philly to see the game and celebrate our victory.

In response to the expected celebrations in the city, the Philadephia Police Department greased light poles so fans could not climb them. I decided to prove a point that the man could not stop my joy at my boys going to the World Series, so I climbed a greased pole. It took me some time, but I got up there, and I was so proud.

I then noticed a crowd of police officers under the pole telling me to go down. When I answered their orders with the patented Philidephian response of “Fuck Off You Pigs,” they then pulled out their nightsticks and threatened me.

The Ghost on Busch is just me on one of my drunken midnight walks

FRANKENSTEIN IS THE NEW WIDE REIVER FOR RUTGERS.