This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 27th, 2021
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ SILLY DEALER, KUSH IS FOR KIDS
WEED DEALER UPSET HE HAS TO GIVE EDIBLES TO KIDS ON HALLOWEEN HARRY NUTTSAAC IMAGINE THE SMELL
A local marijuana dealer is speaking out in the wake of conversation around giving children edibles on Halloween. In recent months, many have taken to the internet to show the generosity of ganja men across the country, displaying a multitude of THClaced candies and sweets that their children had been given in years past. This has created an undue expectation for many in America that children will be sent back to their homes on Halloween with bags filled to the brim with edibles, a very expensive commodity to just be handing out for free. Out of fear that their loyal customers will turn on them if they refuse drugs to children, many drug distributors have decided to simply eat the cost instead of the brownies.
One local distributor and my go-to guy has decided that he will not be participating in this free drug program and will instead charge any child he sees double this Halloween. "I cannot stand the idea that children can just get whatever they want all the time.
Sure, some candy from the dollar store is whatever, but a 400mg Nerds rope? A cosmic brownie that makes you see the cosmos? No way." Many pro-marijuana parents have condemned the selfish drug dealer, upset that "their children" will not get to Continued on Page 2
SMOKE 'EM WHILE YOU GOT 'EM
SNOOP DOGG SMOKES JOINT, FORGETS ABOUT CONCERT FOR AN HOUR MICHAEL C. HAWKE DON'T CHOKE ON IT
On October 23rd, Snoop Dogg hosted what was quite possibly one of the most ridiculous events to have ever been held within Rutgers University. The concert was held at SHI Stadium, serving as a gift from the college administration to the graduating classes of 2020 and 2021, each of which had the pleasure of entering the hellhole that is our economy, during a pandemic, nonetheless. What was expected to be a relatively tame event turned out to be anything but. The concert began about an hour late, as Snoop Dogg had gotten his hands on some prime Garden State grass prior, with reports saying that he smoked about five pounds worth. Right after arriving
at SHI Stadium, Snoop had a brief identity crisis, as he wanted to be referred to as Snoop Pangolin on stage. After some brief discussion with staff, Snoop gave up on the prospect of the sudden but glorious name change. Once Snoop Dogg arrived and began the concert, a thick
cloud of smoke immediately crept around the stadium; oddly enough, it appeared to originate directly from the famed rapper himself. The concert proceeded for about an hour before Snoop himself ceased to sing, apparently having ended up on a completely different planet. Continued on Page 2
Just Writing Absolute BS Since 1970
QUICKIES
Engineering Student Sticks Dick In Water Fountain Crackhead Rants, Summons Cthulu Man Takes Axe To Question Mark Woman Discovers Meaning Of Life In Pie Recipe
Mike Myers Celebrates 1000th kill NYPD Shoots Harambe Statue as Child Plays On It Local Student Actually Becomes Zombie After Midterm Waterworld 2 To Begin Filming In New Brunswick
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NEWS
Wednesday, October 27th, 2020
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"boo motherfucker"
"QUALITY CONTROL" EVERYONE'S AN EXPERT enjoy their favorite sweets this weekend; the majority of parents on the internet praised the cannabis connoisseur, much to his surprise. Students at Rutgers have had mixed reactions to the news that one of their local skunky salesmen won't be taking part in the festivities of the season. Some students felt that he was making the right decision, although it is unclear whether that is because they had moral objections to giving kids drugs or because they felt it was a much more sound financial decision; many students who were planning on trying to convince homeowners to give them candy despite their age are
I'LL JUST JERK IT TO YOUR INSTA INSTEAD ...continued from front
outraged that they may not be able to get free weed this weekend. I, however, am not too concerned for my dealers finances, especially after selling five pounds of kush to Snoop last weekend.
I WOULDN'T WANNA HAND OUT ANY OF MY DRUGS TO STUPID FUCKING KIDS EITHER
THE BUSES ARE GETTING MORE ACTION THAN US
RUTGERS BUSES HAVE BEEN FUCKING BY KIRA AMETHYST TOO SEXY FOR HER SHIRT
Recently, students have been noticing that there have been smaller buses that are taking them between campuses. “I was a bit shocked seeing such a tiny bus trying to fit 70+ students in it,” said one Rutgers senior. However, The Medium was able to find the origin of these new buses. We tracked down a bus that would discuss the details. Cathy Bussington has been a Rutgers bus for 10 years. She parks next to her husband Busster Bussington every night. "One day," Cathy recalled, “Busster parked next to me and asked ‘want to do something different tonight, babe?’ I was confused, but there was a different glint in his headlights and soon became excited.” Eventually, she learned about Busster’s idea of different as she felt something enter her exhaust pipe. “It’s not a normal feeling, but man did it feel
good,” Cathy told The Medium. Soon, Cathy found herself pregnant with a bus. “Had I know this would happen, I would have told Busster to wear a rubber, but then again, I don’t think that the Student Health Services would understand.” Cathy eventually gave birth to Busbee Bussington. “Being a new parent is exciting,” stated Cathy fondly. She discussed Busbee’s first Busch Commuter Loop. “We didn’t know how he would fare, but it turned out better than I imagined” stated Cathy. However, there are some challenges in raising such a young bus: according to Busster, “He does have some bladder control issues and has peed on passengers many times, but haven’t we all?” When The Medium reached to Rutgers Leadership about this issue, we received nothing from them.
MAKE YOUR DONATION As Snoop Dogg stood in his marijuana-induced stupor, Sir Henry joined him onstage and smoked a joint, proceeded to do several backflips, and then yeeted one of the pole dancers right off the stage. On top of all of that has previously been mentioned… I’m just fucking with you. I was going to write something more batshit but quite frankly, the events of that Saturday night were just completely fucking bonkers. I swear to God, it feels like the Rutgers University administration is trying its damndest to make the Medium extinct as soon as humanly possible If that is the case, then I strongly encourage President Jonathan
...continued from front
Holloway (or at least any major figure within the administration) to just end it already, for the love of God. Or better yet, join The Medium, President Holloway. Quite frankly, the events of October 23rd were, in my humble opinion, a fine way to display the administration’s comedic talent, and I’d like to see that put on paper, right here.
LODI DODI, WE LIKE TO PARTY HERE AT THE MEDIUM DON'T BELIEVE ME? COME SEE FOR YOURSELF
NEWS IN PICTURES
PHOTOS OF JUSTIN TRUDEAU IN THIS YEAR'S HALLOWEEN COSTUME HAVE BEEN LEAKED BY CIN DRARIUG
PEEPEE POOPOO, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, COME WRITE SOMETHING BETTER
Editorial Staff Fall 2021
Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Quinlan Van Es
Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium
News Editors Features Editor Opinions Editor Personals Editor
Carlos Domenech Kelly Manniello Quinlan Van Es John Mahoney Kiran Subramanian Page A7 Editor Amit Ofek
Sports Edito Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche
Doug Willig Kyle Sabin Carlos Domenech Quinlan Van Es Babies Who Eat Cheerios Too Slowly
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to Snoop Doggy Dogg.
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FEATURES “The only thing spookier than Halloween is my lack of wanting to live.”
CONSENT IS SEXY
Top 10 Costumes to Seduce Your Romantic Interest With This Halloween By Someone Who Thinks They’re Hot But Only in the Bathroom Mirror
the Medium
JUST MAKE SURE 2 SCOOP UP SOME CONSENT
An Instructional Guide to Carving Pumpkins By Cin Drariug
Supplies Needed • • • • • •
Pumpkin Metal Ice Scoop Printed Template Washable Markings Pumpkin Carving Tool “The Rag”
Directions 1. Choose a suitable pumpkin - it should have no soft spots or surface rot. Use “The Rag” to chase other shoppers away from your pumpkin of choice. Don’t be scared if it's a bit dirty, as long as the pumpkin is firm and has a solidly attached stem you are good to go! 1. Sexy Consent: I’m not sure what exactly this would look like, but consent is the sexiest thing imaginable. 2. Sexy Pfizer Needle: Of course, the second most sexy thing imaginable is being vaccinated. Plus, this costume can double as a dildo! 3. Sexy CAPS Counselor: And the third most sexy thing imaginable is being assured that you’re mentally okay, which CAPS is perfect for. As long as you’re okay with being lied to. 4. Sexy Lanternfly: What better way to show that you keep up with the news and that you’re skilled in bed by dressing up as the overnight coochie-grabbing celebrity of 2021?
2. Clean and Cut - wait to carve your pumpkin two or three days before Halloween, otherwise your pumpkin will soften and rot. Clean the pumpkin with “The Rag.” 3. Gutting - based on your texture preference gut the pumpkin using the metal ice scoop. Be sure to keep “The Rag” handy. 4. Outline your design - Draw a hole on the pumpkin. This step should be carefully done to allow for optimal use later on. 5. Cut your design - Using the tools from the Pumpkin Carving Tools cut the hole out. Make sure to go deep enough.
5. Sexy Paper Bag: This costume is perfect for those who don’t need eye contact during intercourse, or for the socially anxious. Of course, you’re reading The Medium, so this should be perfect for you.
Congratulations! Now you and “The Rag” can enjoy a happy Halloween together with your new girlfriend.
6. Sexy Kaitlin Bennett: This costume is perfect for those on a budget: all you need is a pair of pants, tape, and a printout of the Apple poop emoji.
Pro tip: When the pumpkin is not in use it makes a great bowl for trick or treating :)
7. Sexy Gremlin: No, I don’t mean the cute movie creature. I mean you, showing up to your local Halloween party in a t-shirt and jeans. Because you’re sexy, bestie. 8. Sexy The Medium Writer: Yeah, we exist! Definitely.
BOO! IF THAT DIDN'T SCARE YOU, THEN COMING TO ONE OF OUR MEETINGS WEDNESDAY IN THE LSC BOARD ROOM OR LSC ROOM 109 SHOULD BE NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF. FIND US IF YOU DARE. BLEH BLEHHH!
the Medium
OPINIONS "I prefered him as Snoop Lion."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What are your plans for Halloweekend? "I'm gonna dress up as Joaquin Phoenix's Joker and abandon society." John Manning Been in a coma for 2 years
"I'm gonna dress up as Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow and go find me some booty." Alan Dingus Been in a coma for 10 years "I'm just gonna put on some glasses and call myself a nerd." Brendan Balls Don't know how long he was in a coma, that shit was never fun
I HAVE A RIGHT TO SHIT
I Have Been Banned from Every Shop on Easton Ave BY LYNN RENN
Alright, so you would think that after the first time I walked into a store, shat in the middle of the floor, rubbed it all over the place yelling out "shit pit, shit pit," and was promptly banned for life I would learn to not do that anymore. I didn't though, and it has quickly snowballed into me being banned from all of these different shops and restaurants. I'm only a freshman, too, where am I supposed to go for the rest of my time at Rutgers? Is there anyway around this sort of thing? Can they legally ban me for something like this? I know a bunch of you assholes at Eagleton read this dumb fucking paper, one of you guys better write back and help me out. For the time being, I'm gonna play it safe and not shit in anymore places of business. However, you're gonna have to pry my right to piss all over student center floors from my cold, dead hands. I will kill myself before I can no longer pee all over the information desk at a student center while yelling "pretty please, piss person." The day that those desks aren't sopping wet and dripping with lemonade-colored bodily fluids is the day that I have been put down like a wild coyote by RUPD. What's next, I can't masturbate on the tables in Brower while calling out, "I'm gonna cum so where are you going?"
Wednesday, October 27th, 2020
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I AM JUST NOT A FUN PERSON
Halloween is My Least Favorite Holiday BY MIKE HAM
As someone who is not (1) hot, (2) sexually active, or (3) creative in the slightest, Halloween is my least favorite fucking holiday. There's always this pressure to dress up as something, go out to a whole bunch of parties but I'm sorry, I can't do it anymore. After seeing so many Harley Quinns macking on Hugh Hefners (or Poison Ivys, love wins), I cannot enjoy them anymore. No one wants to be macking on the guy standing in the corner dressed as Jim from The Office because this is all he had in his closet and his friend dragged him to the party saying "Everyone's gonna have fun, I bet no one will have nice costumes anyway." I'm tired, guys, I cannot tell a lie. This shit is exhausting, every year the same song and dance of doing my best to not get roped into some dumb fucking frat party but eventually going anyway. I don't even like drinking that much, so I'm the guy getting water from the rusty tap all night long! Maybe if I just start acting like a huge dick around October I can get out of my social obligation to be a good friend and go out with whoever eventually asks if I wanna hang out. Thank God that as we get older, fewer and fewer people want to go out and get dressed and party, so I'm looking forward to by the time none of my friends are fun anymore. THIS IS AN ORANGE LINE
It is Really Important to Read This BY HOUSE HOME
I see that you read the title to this piece, which is "It is Really Important to Read This." The truth is, it actually is not important that you read this. I just put that in the title to get your attention. But now that you are here, I have some very important things to tell you. Things that will defintely change your life in ways you never ever foresaw coming. And when they do change your life, you will always thank me for the impact I had. Well that is what I think, anyway. It is quite possible that what I do tell you has no impact whatsoever on your life. My ideas do not always impact people. Sometimes, I will say something but I forget what I am saying midway through and then I just kind of ramble and do not actually complete a coherent thought. That being said, I still truly believe my ideas can change the world in ways you never ever would expect at all. And that is why I really truly am thankful that you are reading this. Because at the current moment, my ideas are impacting you in great ways. I hope they are anyway. I am not sure. I could start a third paragraph now but let me just keep going with this one I guess. So yeah. As you can see based on the above paragraphs, I am a very coherent thinker. And my ideas have such impact on you, and I am so so happy you are still listening here. Or not listening, but reading I mean. And based on that, and all the great ideas I have shared above, I know that you know what is coming next. Based on those ideas, that is why I am running for President of the United States.
Wednesday, October 27th, 2021
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ARTS
Its lonely being the only one with art here...
HALLOWEEKEND - CIN DRARIUG
BABY, BABY, BABY - BY MR MISS
HI ALL! I BET YOU'RE CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT THIS THE MEDIUM IS. WELL, LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT! ITS A FUN AND EDUWHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING! AHHHHHA. ... ... ... PLEASE EXCUSE THIS INTERUPTION IN OUR REGULARLLY SCHEDULED AD. OUR ART EDITOR DISSAPEARED IN A FREAK, "BEING-KILLED-WITH-ANAXE-BY-A-MURDERER" ACCIDENT. MEETINGS AT 8PM WEDNESDAYS AND 7PM MONDAYS.
the Medium
PERSONALS
the Medium Dog
Help, I have landed on the floor uncomfortable and I do not have the strength to remove myself from this scenario!
"Don't give me that shit, kid."
Shit
How do you get “protein” stains out of a body pillow? (The crust creates friction. Enjoy.)
I feel feminine when I wear (Survival of the fittest, a jeans jacket. How do I fuckwad.) become more confident? Squirrels keep looking at me. I think they want a (As you should, butter cup.) How many spoons do you piece of me. How do I think I could fit in my ass? properly fight a squirrel? (Depends on your (Keep a pair of nunchucks determination. I saw the on you at all times and over-under is 36 spoons, master the crane kick.) but it all depends on the What is a non-creepy way size of the spoons and the to ask the people in my size of your ass.) Zoom class where they got How much lube do I need their wall decorations? to fit a 3 foot dildo comfort-
(Get rid of the neck beard first.) Tall women: can you please step on me?
(I’ll bring my Stilettos, baaaaaaaaabe.) Aliens have invaded and we can only have three rights, which do we keep? ( We are not helping with your Law and Politics homework, Kyle. Get your hand off your meat shaft and do your work.)
ablely in my ass? (Buy it by the gallon, bud. I know a good hookup. It’s a guy by the name of slippery Eddie) Help, this guy keeps interrupting my zoom class. (The time has come. Execute Order 66...)
How do I get people to stop laughing at my name, Biggus Dickus? (Remember, advertising is key.)
Word of the Week:
Halloween
n. A holiday most popular with children and slutty women
You want drugs? Us too but that's not happening, so instead come join The Medium at one of our meetings. Wednesdays @ 8 p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room or Room 109. Who Fucking Knows
Questions
Help, my roommate keep making "my mom" jokes. What should I do?
Wednesday, October 27th, 2021
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10/27: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
(Have you heard of roommate-assisted suicide? My suggestion is putting a pillow over their head till the kicking stops.) How many edibles is too many? (If your dresser starts talking and giving you life advice. It’s time to put the brownies down..) How do I cope with my massive penis? (Stop lying in print, pencil dick. Libel is a serious crime.) My friend doesn’t like ABBA. What is the proper punishment for him? (Make them watch Mamma Mia repeatedly as you lightly set their scrotum on fire.) This 9-year-old kid keeps default dancing. How do I teach him a lesson? (Decapitation.) Assistance Required! A Rutgers Bus gave me an STI, do I get a free button? (No, but you get a free IPad. )
Crap Answers I can’t afford my courses for my nursing degree? How do I make good cash fast? (Have you ever heard of OnlyFans? Or you could go to the classic approach of stripping!) How do I make a sexy cumsock costume? (With a short, white dress and fishnet stockings. Then get jizz in your hair. I would love to help you with that.) Why do I smell like pumpkin and cum? (Because you are a Fallthemed whore.) How do I sleep with my professor? (Four words: cleavage and dropping pencils!)
Come join The Medium Meeting; unless your a pussy. Pussy! Wednesdays @ 8 p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room or Room 109
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PAGE A7
"Sometimes I like to count glue to help me fall asleep..."
LEARN ALL ABOUT GLUE
Wood Glue By Cin Drariug There are several types of wood glue, each will work differently for different applications. Animal glue was manufactured out of hide for many centuries and its primary usage was in woodworking and furniture making. The standard grades for this glue ranges from 32 to 512 grams, but 192 gram strength is the most common. One benefit of animal glue is that it does not creep and it is easy to repair. Another type of glue is epoxy resin - this glue is created as a two part mix system and cures under a wide range of temperatures. It is very resistant to salt water and is shock resistant which allows it to be used in more specialized situations. Unfortunately, neither type of glue can put my crumbling
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BUILD. BACK. ICECREAM
Review: Joe Biden Flavored Ice Cream By Kann Isieure Recently, I stumbled upon the new Ben and Jerry's flavor: the Joe Biden. With the President being asked more about his ice cream preferences than his policies, it is no wonder that Ben and Jerry’s took advantage of this. Without further ado, here is the review: After opening up the carton, the distinct smell of female shampoo hit my nose. With this smell entering my olfactory system, I knew that I had to grab the carton’s sides and take a nice long sniff. Looking at the ice cream itself, I was intrigued by its inconsistency. Sometimes, it seems to be very tough and hard to stir, but other times it feels like I am stirring soup around. It does not help that the corn pops in the ice cream are always acting like bad dudes and the rusty chains definitely did not help. As for the taste, I thought it would be more exciting, but it just came out really bland (like an expired vanilla). It does feel better than the Trump Ben and Jerry’s flavor (waaay too spicy and the orange was just nasty). Furthermore, the parmesan cheese did not work for me. To summarize my feeling about it - yeah I’ll settle for it but it could be way better. I decided to bring this ice cream to some of my friends just to see what they thought about it. However, one thing I noticed about the ice cream is that as I continued to eat it, I started to forget things. It started off as small things, but then as I continued to eat it, I forgot about bigger things, like...
HAIKU
Sexy Time in the Troll Cave By Spunky McGee Your ears turn me on Your green fingers make me hot Goblin horniness
October 27, 2021 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPORTS and Halloween and Matt Gaetz and other things
SPORTS EDITOR CONTEMPLATES LIFE DECISIONS WHILE ATTEMPTING TO WRITE HALLOWEEN-THEMED ARTICLE
THIS IMAGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ARTICLE BY STILL NOT GOING TO PUT MY REAL NAME HERE
On October 22nd, 2021, Sports Editor of The Medium Name Witheld was attempting to write a Halloween-themed article for the October 27th issue (the issue you are currently holding), when he had a sudden mental crisis. A few days earlier, upper-management
at The Medium informed him that he needed to have at least one Halloween-related article for the sports page this week. While trying to mesh the ideas of Halloween and sports together in his head, a crushing question came to Mr. Withheld’s mind: Why am I spending part of my four
Eleven Sports Facts You NEED to Know Right Now BY KYRIE IRVING’S VACCINE BELIEFS
1. In typical fashion of this sports page, this article will have nothing to do with the title. 2. I wasted a lot of brain power writing that above article “Sports Editor Contemplates Life Decisions While Attempting to Write HalloweenThemed Article” and now, the fact that I need to write articles for these bottom two spaces is kind of stressing me out. 3. I could put a joke here again about The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, but honestly because I used that reference last week, that shit is just getting old too quick. 4. Instead, I’ll reference another wonderful television program from Cable News Network - Don Lemon Tonight. I just finished binge watching the last six years worth of it. Knowing all the news from the perspective of my favorite news anchor whose last name is a citrus fruit was truly enlightening. 5. Okay let’s steer back to sports. 6. The author's name on the byline of this article is “Kyrie Irving’s Vaccine Beliefs.” So let’s talk about that. 7. Why is Kyrie not vaccinated? Who knows, dude is a flat-earther, so fucking stupid. 8. These past few lines haven’t been that funny so I need to end this article with a real zinger so you guys don’t get mad at me. 9. Actually, if I’m being honest with myself, no one is reading this shit right now. Other than other Medium staff and a couple friends who I send the online version of this paper to, I’m pretty damn sure not a single person is reading this right now. 10. So like, who cares if this isn’t sports related? I could literally put my own phone number here and no one would call or text it.
years at Rutgers University as the Sports Editor for a publication that no one reads? It was a chilling relevation, one that shook Mr. Withheld to his core. But when trying to think of an answer, he could not come up with one. Why did he continue to be Sports Editor at The Medium? Mr. Withheld wasn’t paid for the position, and further, he did not even list the position on his LinkedIn due to the frequent inappropriate jokes in his articles, such as those about masturbation. With these burning thoughts now controlling his mind, Mr. Withheld began to think about the history of the newspaper he was a part of. Formed in 1970, The Medium went on existing for 51 years to provide students at Rutgers University with satirical material to enjoy. So, he concluded therefore that it was good for him to be the Sports Editor at the paper, as he was continuing a more than half-century old tradition. But then Mr. Withheld thought
a bit harder. No Rutgers students actually read The Medium; many do not even know it exists. And The Medium’s own staff did not even care about their paper really, their distribution methods involved sticking stacks of the paper on top of boxes intended for The Daily Targum as well as placing copies in random buildings without coordination among members. Mr. Withheld thought's were different now - instead of questioning why he was a part of The Medium, he began to question why the paper continued to exist in any at all. Why would Rutgers University Student Assembly give a paper like this $2000+ a semester? It made no sense. He had no answers. Instead, Mr. Withheld only was left with eternal wonder. And he still had a Halloween-themed article to write. I feel like that was a weak ending so this sentence will be tacked on here to mention erectile dysfunction without reason.
Gualumfet: By the Numbers BY PENIS
0 People who know what a Gualumfet is
420 Number that signifiance
holds
no
1
69
Person writing this article. That writer (me) also does not know what a Galuamfet is
Number that has never been worn by any NBA player, no significance other than that
2014
1
The year this sports page was reincarnated. And look what I’m using it to publish lol, making up words like Gaulumfet
Not committing any war crimes SINCE 1970
Idiot who read this whole sports page (if you made it this far, it is you, you dumb Gaulumfet motherfucker)