This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
November 10th, 2021
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ FREE TAMPONS, PADS, AND MORE!
QUICKIES
IN EFFORT TO RECRUIT WOMEN, MEDIUM WILL MAKE “FREE WOMEN'S PRODUCTS” CAGE MICHAEL C. HAWKE CRACKED OUT ON CAFFEINE
Recently, it has reached our attention that The Medium as an organization has become dominated by men in just about every section, from News to Sports to Personals. This is in spite of its editor-in-chief being a woman, but since she cannot get laid for her life, she likely doesn’t count either. Instead, she probably doesn’t count as human to begin with, but rather some sort of Lovecraftian thing. Anyhow, as a result of this revelation, we have (with the exception of our editorin-chief and another rogue editor) unanimously decided that we will dedicate our resources to involving more women in the paper. Initially, our first plan was for our editors to personally begin recruiting women around campus themselves, but after some choice
words from the editor-in-chief, we sadly came to the conclusion that we were, as quoted by the chief herself, “Completely fucking disgusting human beings that no woman would ever want to be within six feet of, regardless of COVID-19 existing or not.” Eventually, after some further
deliberation (and a fight with another editor who shall not be named), we arrived to the conclusion that our best course of action for recruitment that didn’t require us to actually interact with a woman was this: a facility that will give out free women’s Continued on Page 2
MORE PUSSY JOKES COMING SOON
FOLLOWING “DICK-SUCKING CHAIRS” FIASCO, THE MEDIUM PIVOTS FOR MORE FEMALE MEMBERS COMMON CENTSMAN RENT ME FOR 10¢/HR
Help us! We don’t know if it’s apparent, but our marginally diverse writing staff only earns that title on the grounds of race/ ethnicity… Beyond that, these kiddos are mostly men - surprise! So any and all female and LGBTQIA+ members are welcome to help make us be better. In fact, we’re begging you to help. Want to talk shit in a medium that’s clearly not libelous? Here for it. Feel the need to speak truth to power? We take those. Got a bad joke that no one else gets? We can’t promise to print it, but as long as it’s not Chappelle-esque we will certainly laugh with you. We’re always welcoming of all new members. And we’re a
safe space for all off-the-cuff ideas. But we’re willing to call out a few of our best-worst ideas to illustrate how badly we need YOU to join our quirky little bubble. On the tail of last week’s issue describing “dick-sucking chairs” to entice more new members, these ideas have only
gone downhill from there. In the interest of fairness, there’s been an offer to commit to an equal number of “squirt” jokes as there are “cum” references. (Uh oh). Even “queef” and “fart” jokes are set to receive the same fair shake. (Please make it stop). Someone - a Continued on Page 2
Desperate For Women Since 1970
Edward Durr Goes BRRRRRRRR Medium Writers A Bunch of Witless Hacks News Editor Gets Addicted To Zombie Game, Becomes Zombie Correspondent More Narcissistic Than Narcissus A7 Editor Still Doesn't Speak Fucking French Ciattarelli Actually Ends Up In Shittarelli Man Puts 'Cream' In Date's Coffee, Loses NNN Elon Musk Throws Gold Ingot At Stripper Travis Scott: "Fuck Them Kids!"
the Medium
NEWS
"The amount of dick here is too damn high!"
SPONSORED BY TAMPAX
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
WOMEN'S PRODUCTS, NOT SNACKS YOU PLEB ...continued from front
products to Rutgers’ more 'feminine' population. (Concept image on front page). The facility in question, which will be located in front of the Livingston Student Center, will be constructed from the best materials that are within our budget, which is a measly $500. The structure will be about 20 feet in height, and 10 feet in width and depth, with walls made of chain-link fencing, and several signs around it that will say, "FREE WOMEN'S PRODUCTS". Meanwhile, the entryway will be a one-way entrance, as the only way out of the cag- I mean facility, will be through joining The Medium
Wednesday, November 10rd, 2021
voluntarily. In the meantime, we will be in the process of 'borrowing' said women's products from various stores and warehouses within the New Brunswick area. If any of our editors end up arrested for no particular reason, then we had no association with them to begin with. The facility is currently projected to be opened by Nov. 15th. For contact info, check the top and bottom of the page.
THESE PEOPLE ARE NUTS guy if you couldn’t tell wanted to erect a “human cage”... to hand out snacks? (We really don’t get that one either). Since an idea for “dick-sucking chairs” made it to the front page last week, it’s only fair that we write this front-page article to start to balance things out. It’s a baby first-step, but will you help us take the next leap? If words could blink twice for us, then our eyes have a strobe effect right now. To add a cherry onto our cake of desperation, we’d like to quote the amazing, former president, Donald J. Trump: “... suburban [college] women, will you please like me!?” JK. Fuck him. But please save us from ourselves!
BIG BIRD, BIG CAWK
taken issue with the idea that children should be told to get vaccinated by anyone, especially a hero they look up to (get it, because he's a BIG HARRY NUTTSACC bird). As mentioned previously, Big Bird has been on public television since the Nixon administration and has seemingly avoided making vocal political statements in that time. Whether this was because of personal or external reasons has yet to be seen: it is alleged that Sesame Street may be a harmful work environment for vocal liberals, as Bert and Ernie (despite living together since the 1960s) waited until a couple of years ago to formally come On Saturday, Big Bird, planned segment for the show; out to the public. Regardless, such decisions to live freely the beloved actor for Sesame Big Bird seemingly decided and openly should be met with Street, walked on stage and on his own to reveal these positivity, and it seems that made the bold, brave decision personal details on his own to announce that he was during planned air time. While Big Bird has received enough support to pursue a career in vaccinated from COVID-19. the children's program, on The live studio audience and which Big Bird has starred since politics. On Tuesday afternoon, editors alike were shocked 1969, is dedicated to educating following many online debates at the news, as this was not a children, many parents have
BIG BIRD TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT AFTER BECOMING POLITICAL ICON
...continued from front
THIS ARTICLE IS SLANDER, PLEASE DON'T LISTEN TO THIS GUY, HE'S GONE ROGUE. WE'RE COMPLETELY FINE HERE! about (1) Big Bird's decision to publicize his vaccination status and (2) Joe Biden's effectiveness at getting the public vaccinated, Big Bird announced at a formal press conference a block off of Sesame Street that he had political aspirations, specifically the presidency. The fowl's platform consists primarily of ensuring that pandemic responses are quickened, raising the childhood literacy rate, and providing for the homeless (at which point, a homeless man named Oscar made a tasteless appearance). Despite no political experience, Big Bird's experience as a public educator and his national fame may be enough to propel him as a true contender. Even though the election is not for another 3 years, Big Bird has already announced that Bert will be his running mate, making him potentially the first gay Vice President.
LADIES, PLEASE CONSIDER WRITING FOR THE MEDIUM. WE HAVE FREE VIBRATORS! THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARD ROOM OR ROOM #109
Editorial Staff Fall 2021
Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Quinlan Van Es
Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Personals Editor
Carlos Domenech Kelly Manniello Quinlan Van Es John Mahoney Kiran Subramanian Page A7 Editor Amit Ofek
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche
Doug Willig Kyle Sabin Carlos Domenech Quinlan Van Es Profs Who Assignment Dump Right Before Thanksving
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to Gloria Steinem.
Wednesday, November 10th, 2021 themedium.submissions@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“You can fuck my Fertile Crescent.”
PLEASE, I'VE NEVER MADE A WOMAN COME
I FELLAT-DIDN'T- KNOW THAT BEFORE
How to Get Women to Write for The Medium
Top 5 True History Sex Facts
There has been great discussion at The Medium about how the paper needs more female writers. At the moment we only have one, so those claims are valid. The concern is how The Medium would go about attracting potential female staff members. I personally think that this responsibility should be on good old Dogmeat (that’s me) to come up with some ideas to help. Apparently, my help is unneeded because editors of The Medium have rejected all my ideas. But I wanted the public to see what I came up with.
1. Nelson Rockefeller (Vice President under Gerald Ford and Governor of New York) died of a heart attack at the age of 70. At the time of his death, Rockefeller was alone with his 25-year-old aide Megan Marshack.
By Faque Name
My first idea was to demonstrate that The Medium is allinclusive by having the paper include the same number of pussy jokes as dick jokes. This plan extends to having the same number of squirt jokes as cum jokes, and having the same number of period jokes as boner jokes. Another idea I had was about the design of the paper. I bought several issues of Cosmopolitan and Vanity Fair to research what women expect from their publications. Based on my research, I believe The Medium should add pictures of women in pretty dresses and perfume samples. If that fails, we could print on pink paper instead of grey. Women like pink, right? The Medium could also stock our production room with things that women like, such as tampons or pads (whatever those are, I have no idea). We could also get Spanx and makeup. If that doesn’t work, we can just put out some peanut butter at night and hopefully attract some women that way. The final idea I have, I will admit, is a tad extreme, so I only suggest it as a last resort. If nothing else works, when we hand out the papers, if the women we hand them out to laugh at the jokes, we can grab them and bring them back to the production room and make them join our staff. [I have just been informed by The Medium’s legal department that what I have just suggested is considered kidnapping and false imprisonment, both of which are highly illegal. Thus, I must clarify that my last suggestion was purely in the realm of fantasy and that I did not buy large nets for the purpose of catching women. If you are a woman that is interested in joining The Medium, come to our pitch meetings on Wednesdays at 8 p.m. in the Livingston Student Center in the Board Room or Room 109. Please come; we are really nice and cool and I promise you will be allowed to leave at the end of the meeting.]
HEY MAN, ARE YOU BORED BECAUSE YOU SHOULD ACTUALLY BE DOING SO MUCH WORK RIGHT NOW BUT YOU SIMPLY REFUSE AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO? COME TO THE LSC BOARD ROOM WEDNESDAY AT 8 PM INSTEAD OF BEING RESPONSIBLE. JUST AS GOD INTENDED.
By Dogmeat Jones
2. Felix Faure, French Prime Minister from 18951899, died at the age of 58 when he suffered a seizure while receiving fellatio from his secretary. To say it in a more vulgar sense, he died while getting his dick sucked. To put it in a punny way, Mr. Faure was going when he was cumming. 3. An early treatment for gonorrhea was to inject mercury into the urinary opening. In simpler terms, to cure gonorrhea, people used to jam mercury up their dick hole. 4. Once when he finished a military campaign, Napoleon Bonaparte wrote to his wife and told her not to wash because he was coming home. Which means that the man that almost conquered all of Europe enjoyed a stinky cooter. 5. The earliest cock rings were created in China during the 13th century. The rings were made of goats' eyelids with the eyelashes left on to give added pleasure. STUFF MY EMAIL
A Quiz for Guys at Rutgers in the Age Range of 19-22 By a Virgin Who is Very Willing to Get Stuffed for Thanksgiving
1. Do you like dick? A) Yes, so fucking much. I wanna slobber on a dick so fucking bad B) Eh. I’ll settle for one if I have to C) I only like pussy uwu 2. What are you doing this Friday? A) Me, the author B) idk fucking crying? C) Getting drunk like a fucking loser If you answered mostly— As: please hit me up at The Medium’s official email (see elsewhere in the paper) Bs: Please go to therapy. I’m worried about you Cs: fucking heterosexuals, gross
the Medium
OPINIONS
"Another day, another drop of cum in the cum bucket."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
If you had to shit yourself while asking interview questions, how would you cover it up? "I would make the loudest, wettest raspberry ever heard." Evelin "WetPants" Johnson Wet-noise experts
"I'd probably just stop doing the interview." Dumbfuck McGee or Something Didn't play along "I don't know, but if my interviewer shit himself I'd fuck him behind the student center in ten minutes." Holly Aspen Fellas, I think I'm getting some! SCOOOOORE!!
I Interviewed People With Shit in My Pants and I Got Laid BY HARRY NUTTSAAC
Fellas, you ever just shit yourself all the fucking time everywhere you go constantly? Yeah, me too. I cannot begin to describe to you just how often I'm shitting my pants. My typical day goes like this: write a totally-boss news piece, shit my pants, write some opinion pieces under a fake pseudonym (surprise, a lot of the names on Opinions are fake), shit my pants, and cry myself to sleep (unrelated to the shitting). Never did I think that all my shitting-my-pants would lead to be getting it on with a super hot (but also really intellectually stimulating) woman! So I went around doing the interviews for this week's University Voices when I suddenly (but unsurprisingly) shit my pants. After running around and going, "Oopsy whoopsy! I pootied my pants!" for twenty minutes, I kept interviewing people with a brand-new question in mind. The last thing I expected was for one totally awesome girl to tell me that she wanted to bone because I loaded my drawers! Then, when we were going at it behind the student center, she shit herself too (and not in a sexy way)! After that, we talked for a long time about constantly shitting all the damn time. In that time, holding each other close in the bushes behind the College Ave Student Center, we fell in love. Then we saw a guy who was constantly pissing himself and she left me.
Wednesday, November 10th, 2021
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SHE DIDN'T EVEN STEP IN SHIT!
The Weekly Busch Rant: My Shoes Smell Like Actual Feces BY KIRA AMETHYST
I was going to write about the truly awe-inspiringly dysfunctional Busch Dining hall this week, but then this morning the fucking trees outside the Busch Suites sent my mood, which was already teetering on the precipice of doom and gloom, plummeting right off. Because I stepped in their fucking semen. You see, there are these trees in the courtyard of the Busch Jailhouses that, over the course of the past month, have been ejaculating all over the sidewalks. Now, I’m not a plant biology expert, but I would think that these trees would show some fucking common courtesy to the hundreds of mentally unstable students here and would save their sexy time for the summer, but no! It seems these trees are trying to compensate for the already involuntary celibate STEM majors who live here who are participating in No Nut November. Now, I am all for these trees living sexually liberated lives. HOWEVER, I have serious issues with their refusal to clean up after themselves, because their semen smells SO fucking awful. I stepped on one little red fruit, and my shoe started smelling like I had stepped into an unflushed toilet. I usually like gagging, but not this time; I had to immediately stuff it into a trash bag and tie the end off to keep it from stinking up my dorm room. To the tree outside my building: you made me genuinely want to kill myself. In conclusion, fuck Busch. Signed, the environmentalist The Medium writer who hates this fucking environment. PISS SHIT CUM PISS SHIT CUM PISS SHIT CUM
I'm Constantly Thinking About Piss, Shit, or Cum BY KILE PHUCKU
My friends just today brought to my attention that I am nonstop thinking about piss, shit, and/or cum. I had a hard time believing it at first, but they are totally right. Every other sentence out of my mouth includes one of these three (which I am calling PSC) and the best sentences have at least two. Maybe it has to do with the home I was raised in (my father was a PSC man himself). Maybe it was the people around me growing up (my friends all went off to work in the PSC industry). Maybe it was the fucking losers at this dumb fucking paper (please do not stop reading us, we write a lot about PSC). It's official, I'm never going to talk about PSC again. Everytime I feel the urge to talk about cum, I'm gonna start jerking off (give people a show). Anytime I wanna talk about piss, I'm gonna piss my pants (note to self, pissing yourself attracts women?) Whenever I'm gonna bust out a funny shit joke, I'm gonna bust a nut (I cannot shit on command). The moral of the story for all the children undoubtedly reading this right now: no matter who tries to lure you into it, push you to do it, or tell you that it's cool or fun, DO NOT get into PSC! Please, learn from my mistakes, keep your PSC in your pants!
ARTS
Wednesday, November 10th, 2021
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
“You know, the bucket for cum?"
the Medium
IN THE MIND OF SPUNKY MCGEE BY HARRY NUTTSAAC
SHIT ON THE WALL BY THE MEDIUM
WOAH THERE FELLERS, YOU'VE WANDERED INTO MA TOWN! IN THIS TOWN, WE FUCK FELLERS IN THE ASS AND READ THE MEDIUM, AND I'VE TEMPORARILY RUN OUT OF THE MEDIUM.
MAKE SURE WE DON'T RUN OUT AGAIN. COME WRITE FOR US, WED. IN THE LSC BOARD ROOM 8PM
PERSONALS
the Medium This
Rebel Alliance here, how do we defeat the Empire? (We have some evidence that Darth Vader is doing blackface, so cancel him on Twitter.) How many kinds of pop are there. I know J-Pop and KPop but are there any more? (Ask the Dum Dums.) How do I fuck tree trunks? ( The trick is to drill a hole and enjoy the splinters. It helps your performance.) Help, I keep having a dream that I am Adolf Hitler in 1943, what do I do? (Sir, this is your 4th Hitler dream-related question sent to this publication. I suggest you seek professional help. If you can not seek help, then please do not go into politics or apply to art school. This I beg of you sir. ) I’m an Indian that doesn’t want to be a STEM major. How do I tell my parents? (You don’t. Change your name, hair color, and dental records and live in Antarctica.)
Wednesday, November 10th, 2021
"I imagine every man as shirtless, what do you want from me?"
Shit
Who would win in a fight, an alien or President Holloway? ( What’s the difference between the two?) Why does lipstick taste so good? (That’s because you are ,as my grand-daddy would, crazier than a rainbow trout in a car wash.) How do I make my strict Indian dad proud of me? (Give him a buy-one-getone free coupon. ) How does one get better at burps? (Focus on depth and pitch. It will get you a mad bitch.) Is it possible for a squid to fuck a Krabby Patty? (It is possible, and we are writing a book about it. It should be available at your local gas station.) How many times can the word tampon be used in my mostly-male production meeting without it getting weird? (If you are asking this, you have gone too far.)
Word of the Week:
Grundle n. The area between the ballsack and asshole. Also known as the taint, chad, or two inches of paradise. Hey fuckwit. Come join The Medium. Meetings are held in the Livingston Student Center: Board Room or Room 109. Wednesdays @ 8pm. If you don’t come I will hunt you down and eat your liver.
Sucks
How do I suck my own dick? (The key is both length and flexibility. Step number one is to start exercising. Practicing yoga will be your greatest asset.) Have you ever listened to Mitch Hedberg? (I used to listen to Mitch, I still do but I used to, too.)
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
11/10: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
Why am I so goddamn lonely? ( Cause you ugly. You one ugly motherfucker. If you want to find someone, stop being so ugly because, as stated beforehand, you are an ugly motherfucker.) If I fucked my cousin, but it's on a Tuesday. Does that count as incest? (Yes, of course it still does, you country-fried, inbred, dropped out in the third grade piece of shit.) Quick! Give me a new, creative insult. (Here’s two: Gay Tampon and Dick Nipple.) What’s a movie that can describe your first time having sex? ( Stepbrothers.)
I'm Fucking Burnt
How many gay guys could I take? (In what way?) In a fight? (What kind of fight?) In a total, non-homoerotic fight kind of way! ( Keep telling yourself that, Creampuff. In all seriousness, a single gay guy would beat your ass, and not in the fun way.) How do I fill up my columns in my Personals Section? (Simple, just start writing shit like I am doing right now. It doesn't matter if it's funny or not. It's not like anyone reads this far into the fucking columns anyway. People most likely skip over this section entirely so what's the fucking point. God, I'm fucking burnt. I just want to be done God Damnit! There ,it's fucking done.)
Come join The Medium Meeting; unless you're a pussy. Pussy! Wednesdays @ 8pm Livingston Student Center Board Room or Room 109.
Wednesday, November 10th, 2021
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
PAGE A7
"This is MY page now! Piss, shit, and cum, baby!"
the Medium
WHY
BOY OH BOY I NEED A NICE, SEXY FELLA
In the Moonlight Outside the Orgy
SEXY PAPERBOY NEEDED!
BY: SPUNKY McGEE
The cool December air hits my leather mask. I remove my black hood, I could never breath in the fucking thing anyway. The breeze hits the bare side of my assless chaps. I needed a break, I’m exhausted. After you cum 6 times, you are not in the mood to stare at 50-year-old guy's balls in red light. My lube-covered body shimmers in the presence of the full moon. I wonder why I do this, why do I come to this place. I feel empty, not just in my balls but in my soul. I remember when this used to be fun. It was kinky and sexy. Now it is just bland, and that’s the worst thing you can say about group sex. Bland. Just like my life. I decide to go back in. I zip my hood back onto my head, remember my safe word, and go back. Back into my personal neon light-colored, hedonistic hell.
The A7 Editor decided he was too good for his job tonight, and the dumb son of a bitch trusted ME with his page! Stop me before I abuse this power! Come to our meeting this Wed. in the LSC Board Room, 8pm Hi-ku
Maybe I am gay Maybe I'm bisexual Just rinse and repeat
The Medium is searching for an official paperboy. As The Medium’s official paperboy, you will bike around the four Rutgers campuses like a Weekend 1 bus each Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday and distribute copies of The Medium by shooting them at people with a potato cannon. Think of it like an arcade game: you get bonus points if you hit someone in the head. The only requirement is you MUST be sexy. Like, perfect facial bone structure, big biceps, rock-hard eightpack, tight ass, dripping in sweat in the sexy way. A Chad to end all Chads. You will not get any employment benefits. You will not get paid.
WORD SEARCH!
November 10th, 2021 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPORTS is what this page is supposed to be but PENIS is what this page aims to be
192 MILLION VACCINATED AMERICANS BECOME STERILE FOLLOWING AARON RODGERS’ PROCLAMATION THAT INFERTILITY IS A POTENTIAL SIDE EFFECT
JOE ROGAN AND AARON RODGERS, THE TWO LEADING COVID EXPERTS, REACTED LIKE THIS AFTER BEING OFFERED THE VACCINE BY YOUR CHOICE MY BODY
On Thursday, Green Bay Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers stated on The Pat McAfee Show that part of the reason he is unvaccinated
is because he believes infertility is a side effect of the COVID vaccine. Following his comments, 192 million fully vaccinated Americans immediately became sterile. It was a shocking
development, one that United States health care officials were not prepared for. Research from the Center for Disease Control had found that the COVID-19 vaccines from Johnson & Johnson, Pfizer, and Moderna were safe and effective, which is why they were approved by the government, and why nearly 200 million Americans were vaccinated. However, the government and the general population had forgotten a key fact: high-profile professional athletes have more knowledge on vaccines than healthcare professionals. Thus, it was obvious anything Aaron Rodgers proclaimed to be true regarding the vaccine would and should supersede the experts. Rodgers stated he had spoken to living-God and modern philosophical genius Joe Rogan regarding his decision, giving even more validity to his already unquestionable claim. So when he said on McAfee’s show that infertility was a potential
side effect, every vaccinated American was immediately deemed unable to reproduce. While this did pose some immediate issues (considering he was vaccinated, how would stable-genius Donald Trump be able to create even more wonderful offspring?), the news also provided some much-needed population-control help to the overcrowded country. Since only vaccinated folks were sterile, the future generation would solely be children of the wonderful anti-vaxxer lunatics who are generally found in right-wing Facebook groups and at Capitol Riot parties. With there being absolutely no worry whatsoever that this future generation would be able to govern themselves, on Monday Aaron Rodgers returned to more pressing matters in his life, like spreading COVID to all his teammates while simultaneously trying to force his way off the Green Bay Packers.
This Bottom Left-Hand Corner Pro Athlete Vaccine Count: By the Numbers Article BY MY CHOICE YOUR BODY
BY YOUR MY BODY CHOICE
Well, everyone who is reading this sentence has one thing in common - you are wasting your time reading the sports page of the November 10, 2021 edition of The Medium. Specifically, you are reading the article in the bottom-left hand corner of said sports page. This raises many intriguing questions - beyond the obvious one of what the hell is wrong with you? One of the most interesting questions it raises is - how the fuck does a paper like this exist? As the Sports Editor, I question why RUSA provides us with a few thousand dollars of funding every semester so we can keep churning out this shit. It really does not make any sense. I am not even a qualified writer, and yet I am given this platform of this paper that should not even be real. Another head-scratching question - why does this crappyass paper continue? The Medium was founded 51 years ago in 1970, and now its current iteration in 2021 does not even seem to serve a meaningful function. This is supposed to be a page that satirizes Rutgers and national sporting events. Instead, it is whatever the hell you are reading right now. Like seriously, I am not qualified to write this. It’s 1:30 AM right now and I am just scribbling this out real quick so it’s ready for us to print these issues tomorrow. Who let me on this staff? Why do I stay here writing this? Who has the answers to these questions? Are they even worth answering? I don’t know. What I do know is this: this is the bottom lefthand corner article of this sports page, and there is absolutely no reason for you to still be reading this right now. And as always, erectile dysfunction.
0
0
The number of COVID vaccines received by Aaron Rodgers
The number of COVID vaccines received by Kyrie Irving
0
0
The number of COVID vaccines received by Bradley Beal
The number of COVID vaccines received by Jonathan Isaac
0
0
The number of COVID vaccines received by Carson Wentz
The number of people who realized I used this same joke in last week’s issue
Receiving Undeserved Funding from RUSA SINCE 1970