The Medium 11/16/22

BY LEXA PREAUX TURKEY GAAAAAAAANG!!!

Thievery, confusion, and disarray… All of these were found in the Fetterman School of Culinary Arts (FSCA) at Rutgers University on a recent evening. What was not found in the hallowed halls of FSCA were the 785 frozen butterball turkeys, which had been locked away in each classroom’s respective walk-freezers, ready for the annual turkey decorating contest. In their place was something more raw and bacteria-ridden than the poultry: Turkey Gang.

Turkey Gang is a nationally recognized performance art group that specializes in Turkey. Often mistaken as an animal rights activist, Turkey Gang’s mission is to “Be turkey.” They are known for dressing as turkeys, sometimes lively and feathered but most of the time raw and slimy, and in hoards, letting out horrendous gobbles

on the streets of major cities and during live productions of The Magic Flute and All Shook Up. The motivation beyond “be turkey'' is a mystery to onlookers, but is clearly understood by Turkey Gang’s deeply passionate performers and organizers. On a tragic day, this passion overflowed into the haven of Rutgers University.

The scene at FSCA was

described as “fragrant and devious” by the morning custodian who stumbled upon Turkey Gang in the first freezer. According to multiple eyewitnesses, each member was dressed in extremely realistic raw turkey costumes with details honored down to moisture. They would surround what has since been considered the “Queen

LOCAL FUNNY WHITE BOY WITH BDE STRIKES AGAIN

BY DISTRA DICCACCIO WHY DO I HAVE THIS NAME?

Pete Davidson has caught yet another body this month as he has recently been spotted, amongst other things, holding hands (holy shit this is so fucking lewd, oh my fucking God, I’m so sorry for reporting this!) in New York City with actress and model Emily Ratajkowski. This has recently come out shortly following the New York-based comedian’s split with media personality and socialite of reality TV fame, Kim Kardashian, after a period of nine months. The relationship with Kim also came after a series of other short-term relationships with other various celebrities, including Ariana Grande, Kate Beckingsdale, Margaret Qualley, Michelle

Obama, Liz Truss, and Queen Elizabeth (right before her death) among many others.

The reason as to why the butthole-eyed comedian has been able to pull so much ass has eluded everyone for the past several years. Some have suggested that Davidson’s humor is so appealing

that he has developed literal queues of women in his DMs. Others have come up with the theory that, as a child, Davidson made a deal with the Devil, sacrificing his father’s life in exchange for having the most unworldly pull in the world. When we asked several people on the

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Turkey,” the only turkey in each group covered in feathers, gobbling at anyone who would look at her silent children or her own feral eyes. As hours went on and Turkey Gang refused to leave or let it be known where they disposed of the 785 frozen turkeys, the followers began to gobble until each freezer sounded like a chorus of damned souls were moaning as they were engulfed by a pool of flames.

The dean of FSCA took action immediately, announcing that all culinary school facilities would be closed until Turkey Gang was scared off, and announced a budget plan to replace all of the turkeys lost in the artistic

display. Since this plan has been enacted, FSCA’s funds have been decimated and is expected to close down permanently before the end of the semester. The students of FSCA, left without a school and without direction, will be released to wander the streets in search of their next turkey decorating competition. Turkey Gang is still at large.

I WISH I HAD 1% OF HIS PULL, MAN

street about why Davidson may have such immaculate game, one man exclaimed, “Oh god, oh fuck, he’s got so much fucking game, it is making me completely batshit insane.”

The fifth person we asked in our interviews, who’s name coincidentally rhymed with Kanye West, said, “Hell yeah, now’s my time to slip back in again!” (Shortly after this brief interview, he went on a racist-tirade about Jews lasting 47 minutes.)

Another man stated (while we asked him on the toilet), “Look, I don’t pay attention to this shit, now leave me the fuck alone and get me another roll of toilet paper, please! I’m fighting for my life out

REPUBLICANS FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT

BY: MICHAEL C. HAWKE THANKING WHATEVER GOD(S) EXISTS

As some of the most intense midterms in America’s history draw to a close, those in the GOP’s leadership have been left wondering about the (quite frankly) resolutely shit results that have arose after most of the dust settled, and how they’ve managed to reach such a point, with the Democrats still retaining power of the Senate after

in the state of Nevada,

candidate Adam Laxalt by a mere 6,568 votes. In addition to this, the supposed Red Wave touted by Republicans to come this election year (which has been likened by our Sports Editor as, “About as much of a red wave as a woman’s time of the month.”) has barely shown

itself in regards to the House of Representatives, with the Republican Party projected to gain seats in the single digits, just barely enough to clinch the House.

With this rather disappointing result for the current minority party, many have wondered what has lead to such a disastrous midterm, with some suggesting that former president Donald Trump may have proved to be a major factor in such significant losses for the party, with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell overheard saying, “If it weren’t for that fat, spraytanned [expletive] running his mouth, we’d have likely been able to gerrymander our way through this [expletive] a lot easier.”

Meanwhile, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who was able to win reelection in his home state by a significant margin last week, also had a few words on the matter,

here!”

Mathematicians at Princeton University, startled by Pete Davidson’s immaculate game have, after months of research, concluded that Pete Davidson is on track to date and fuck every single woman on the face of the planet by 2069, with this predicted outcome quite possibly including your mom.

suggesting that, “look, if we just tried to restrict minority voters a bit more, then this would’ve been a clean sweep, hands down. I don’t see why. Oh, also, I have a better fake tan than Trump does, which is why you should have me run in two years. Plug over.”

The one reason that Republicans may not have succeeded as much in this election that their leadership haven’t considered, however, is likely as simple as the matter of poor policy; with Republican states overturning abortion rights protections following the (blantantly biased) Supreme Court’s decision on Roe v. Wade months ago. Furthermore, the Republicans’ losses may have also derived from the fact that many of their candidates are batshit and severely detached from reality.

This, of course, is something that GOP leadership may never arrive to on their own accord.

Catherine Cortez Masto’s razor-thin victory

beating out Republican

INSERT PETE DAVIDSON JOKE HERE ...continued from front

WE AT THE MEDIUM WILL ENSURE THAT YOU, THE READER, WILL STAY UPDATED ON FURTHER DEVEL OPMENTS REGARDING PETE DAVIDSON’S ASTOUNDING SEX LIFE.

POLITICS EW I AM BLIND

Sesame Street Politics

By: Mr. Hooper

As I write this, two of my friends, Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch, have decided to enter politics. It’s no mistake that the Sesame Street gang have been heavily involved in politics for quite a while, but are now openly discussing it. For all you interested, I present to you the politics of Sesame Street.

Elmo: That red bastard is clearly communist. As someone blacklisted by McCarthy, I can see a commie from a mile away. Think about it: Elmo is only useful in a fictional world, just like his ideology.

Grover: Clear fascist. Super Grover is his view of himself, already establishing a cult of personality.

Count von Count: Dracula’s cousin stands apart from the rest of his Sesame Street friends by being a clear monarchist. The title says it all.

Bert: My dude’s a clear conservative. Because some might be thrown off because of his gay relationship, he may fall more closely to a Log Cabin Republican. My prediction is that Bert will run for President as a Republican.

Mr. Snuffleupagus: The former imaginary companion of Big Bird is an anarchist. People claim to have seen him, but there are no real examples of this.

Cookie Monster: That blue fiend of a being is a straight libertarian. While not as extreme as Oscar, he definitely believes in the free market of cookies and supports insider trading regarding the cookie industry.

Rocco: The terror of Elmo’s dreams is a huge anti-commie. He doesn’t ascribe to any belief or ideology, just that he is anti-communist. Has worked with Ngo Dinh Diem to persecute Buddhists and the Viet Cong.

Worst Birdwatching Lessons Ever!!!!!!!!!!

By: Hank Verde

Since my divorce, I’ve decided to explore new hobbies and find myself again, and recently I’ve tried out birdwatching. I was a birdwatching virgin, so I decided to seek the guidance of Linda Avarian, who advertised her bird watching lessons in a local paper. The hourly rate was acceptable, but the deposit decimated my wallet, which has already been sucked dry by alimony.

The worst part of the experience was Avarian’s teaching methods. She is abrasive. If you fail to find birds, she does not offer corrections and constructive criticism. No, she will scream horrible things at you like “You can’t even find a pigeon? I wonder what else you can’t find. That’s probably why your wife left you for Barry, but you probably knew that already, huh? You knew she was going to leave you from the beginning. Your parents thought she was too good for you and they were right, weren’t they. Did your brother go to your wedding? Of course he didn’t.”

Part of the holiday special package was a wild turkey hunting excursion. Instead, Avarian took me out to Cafe West and feverishly gestured towards a parrot, perched in a tree. Shoving my binoculars in my face, she would remark “Look at that turkey, Hank. We found a big gobbler, didn’t we?” At the end of the lesson, she took my binoculars, threw them on the ground, and stomped on them, all without breaking eye contact. Avarian then led me into a building of culinary classrooms, where she changed into a feathery turkey costume in the middle of the hallway. With incredible urge, we began collecting frozen turkeys– maybe 700 of them— and throwing them into a U Haul. Once it was dark, we drove out to the Raritan where we proceeded to dump the turkeys. Still dressed as a turkey, Avarian held my face tenderly, and told me that I would have a 20 minute head start on foot before she would “flee the scene” in her van. I didn’t even get super good at birdwatching. Probably won’t take her class again.

WHO IS ZELENSKY?

5 Things Zelensky Can Do With Sean Penn's Academy Award

By: ________________

On November 9th, actor and praiser of dictatorships Sean Penn gave Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky a visit. Penn gave the former actor an Oscar during that visit, showing his support for the Ukrainian war effort, a truly deep cut. The question remains, what should Zelensky use the Oscar award for? After thinking very hard since we can’t masturbate this month, we at The Medium came up with 5 things that Zelensky could use the Academy Award for.

1. Bullets: You know what is the most American thing to do? Take a statue given to them by a pompous bastard and melt it down to be used in a war effort. During the American Revolution, the colonists took a statue of King George III, melted it down for bullets, and used them to bring hell to the redcoats. Zelensky doing the same would be the most American thing a Ukrainian could do.

2. Putin Deflowerer 9000: The media has often neglected to talk about the main reason for the Russian invasion. Compensation. Putin has never had sex in his life. There’s a reason his wife divorced him in 2014.

OPINIONS

SUCK MY DICK-INATOR!!!!!

Celebrate Veterans Day?

Jeff Sacctomious Really

Allison Treeblossom

Truly doing God's work...

"I hit up all the free food places. I ate like a king that day."

Lance Cromwell

Man protected the nation. Let him gorge on as many Krispy Kreme Do nuts as he wants

Voice Memo: A Retrospective of a Failed Pitch Meeting

BY MEDIUM MEMBER AND...YOU'LL SEE

[Voice Recording begins] It's been a few hours since The Medium pitch meeting. I'm now hiding in a closet, documenting the events that have transpired.

I come into the conference room and sit on the floor. It starts off normal: members cracking jokes and someone starts bitching about a professor. An unfamiliar individual walks in. He sits in the corner, wearing a dark brown, stained hoodie and a baseball cap, with some skewed white numbers on the front. During the introductions, it's his turn; he stays silent and looks down, seeming anxious. The editors move on.

Now, I need to preface this next part; there is a substantial Jewish population in The Medium and we like to make some stereotypical jokes. A hand meekly goes up during the meeting, and a [JEWISH JOKE] pitch is uttered. After a hearty laugh, the editors decide to move to the next joke. The discussion is interrupted when a "Hah. Hah. Hah." is heard across the room. We turn our heads, and he says, and I quote: "I have a pitch: [REMOVED FOR ANTISEMITISM] also, [REMOVED AGAIN] and [UHHH...]." The room silenced, everyone's jaw dropped, and was asked to leave.

This has never happened before; nobody has ever just ruined all their goodwill so quickly, and-Knock knock knock. Who is it? Oh shit, wait, please no— IMMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT BIG MEDIUM IS SILENCING THOSE SPEAKING AGAINST THE [THE REST HAS BEEN REDACTED FOR ANTISEMITISM, THIS INDIVIDUAL WILL NOT BE PRESENT IN ANY FUTURE ISSUES, DESPITE HOW GOOD GRADUATION WAS.]

Why Dr. Scudworth is a Pussy

BY HEINZ DOOFENSHMIRTZ

I’m the best goddamn evil scientist with a robot butler. Scudworth only had one master plan it’s ass. There’s so much to debunk with just that. First off, the emotionally scarring back story. The only close thing we got is that he lost prom king. I WAS RAISED BY FUCKING OCELOTS AND FORCED TO BE A LAWN GNOME. MY PARENTS FORGOT TO COME TO MY OWN BIRTH AND THEN THIS FUCKING DUDE JUST COMES IN LIKE OH I LOST PROM KING LET ME JUST TAKE OVER A SCHOOL.

Second off: the plan. He is using literal children for his own entertainment. As a father to Vanessa, I cannot stand for that. I want people to serve me when I conquer the tri-state area. The only one who I will ever use for entertainment of is my main man Perry the Platypus. Scudworth is literally plotting to use children to make him rich. Also the clones have no fucking self destruct button. Like what if they rebel? The best he got for controlling them was putting them in the icebox and freezing them like Captain America. First off these are kids being frozen in time. Second off, that's the grand plan he got to keep the government from taking the clones away? Just postpone it? See if he had a self destruct button, there would be no issue.

Also he’s just sitting there with no official nemesis sticking his dick into that robot. My Norm would never get into a fight with a Scantron and almost lose. That shit’s embarrassing. Scudworth's gotta do better.

Anyway, I’m the better evil scientist. I have a better nemesis, a more compelling backstory, and better ways to take over the tri-state area. Get on my level, bitch.

USE FIND A JOB

BY ASH KETCHUM

History has been made. I have won the masters tournament. I battled against the likes of Cynthia and Leon and have defeated all of them. This has been my dream since 1997, when I got Pikachu that fateful day. Now that I peaked as a 10 year old, I have come to the realization that I haven’t thought about what I want to do after I become a Pokemon Master.

This has been my dream for such a long time, I really haven’t built up any other skills. All my other friends have more steady jobs whether that be in Pokemon research or being gym leaders. However, since i have been doing so much travelling and study abroad, I didn’t build up any real marketable skills for today’s job market. Also, considering that a lemonade costs $300 in this world, I really need to find a decent job.

I only have a 5th Grade education, haven’t done any internships, did not learn any kind of coding language, and have just spent my time forcing animals to kill or severely incapacitate each other for sport. These do not really correlate with any kind of Wall Street job. I would try to become a gym leader, but like a sociology major, the field is so oversaturated that it would be really hard for me to compete in this kind of tight labor market.

I guess my only other option is to just start a cameo and a feetfinder and hope that covers all my expenses. If not, I hope that Jessie and James are hiring.

HE LOST HIS BRAND DEAL WITH THE MEDIUM

"I celebrated Veterans Day by lecturing a veteran about how bad the military is."

"I did something truly important: I told a veteran 'Thank you for your service.'"

went out of their way for this one

How did you

PIKACHU,

I AM A POKEMON MASTER, NOW WHAT?

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PERSONALS

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A Diggity

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Almost Done

President Holloway Recruits Ash Ketchum to Rutgers Football Team Because He Can Catch Em’ All

By Brock's Jelly Filled Doughnuts

Ash Ketchum, the new pokemon world champion, has been offered a full football scholarship by President Holloway following his most recent victory against Leon.

The 4 ft 7 ten-year-old has not yet made an official announcement, but he and a couple who seem to be his parents have been seen wearing a large red R on their shirts to hint at his final choice.

“We haven't been catching much lately so it’s a big step forward being able to get ourselves a player who can catch everything.” Holloway says. Holloway states that Ash Ketchum should be an inspiration to all Rutgers students. He has not aged one day in 25 years and has not once even questioned giving up on his dreams. Ash laughed in the face of death. and all Rutgers students should strive to have the same determination as Ash Ketchum.

In response to this announcement, the current wide receiver states, “Give up on your dreams and die, lead those new recruits into hell.”

Holloway also is proud to announce the newest recruits to the Rutgers Honors College: “Starlight” Anya Forger and Baji Keiske. He states that due to the amount of full scholarships being given out, tuition will be raised 35%.

When interviewing Ash, he hesitated when saying, “Wait we aren’t catching Pokemon? What the fuck is a football?”

We Got A New Poet

The lay of the early class

By Lemonkainen

I, Rise early, in the darkness, I, so thirsty I could drink piss.

Washed my face, and drank tap water, Ate a stale bagel with butter.

Dressed myself and popped my pills in, Soon I’ll need a new prescription.

To the bus I walked at sunrise, No bus came, oh what a surprise.

Passed an hour, and a second, Or at least that’s what I reckoned.

I sat down and watched the window, It was as nice out, but too hot though.

80 degrees in damn November, Were it worse, I would remember.

On the bus, there was another, On my bus, a student brother.

Though we spoke not with our voices, Both of us bemoaned our choices.

Both bemoaned the morning classes, What a pain in both our asses.

More Work is Needed

Human Turducken

By Human Turducken

Have you ever had a turducken? (This is the part where you awkwardly sit there trying to figure out if you should answer a newspaper that’s asking you about a Russian doll type situation but with birds. Yeah, we know it’s weird - a chicken inside a duck inside a turkeybut you know what else is weird? the fact that Jonathan Holloway still hasn’t answered my dms!)

Well, good news for you (I don't care about your answer)! There’s a new fun way for the whole family to enjoy their holidays right. Introducing: The Human Turducken!! (This is the part where you applaud my magnificent idea without actually knowing what it is) Now, things are about to get a bit complicated, so stay with me.

The Human Turducken is a once-in-a-lifetime experience! No longer will you have to go to your boring Thanksgiving family dinner worried that nothing fun will happen. Because now…. drumroll please (this is the part where you look stupid because you’re the idiot that’s following a newspaper’s directions)… you can stuff that big ol’ lame-ass bird INSIDE A PREGNANT WOMAN! Woohoo! Now here’s the even better part- you don’t even have to actually know the woman (I mean I think this is called a felony or some shit like that, but hey, this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience).

All you have to do is 1. find a pregnant woman 2. tell her about this beautiful experience 3. get consent (we’re not monsters at the medium) 4. wait for that baby to crown (and yes, I mean the actual fetus inside the woman) 5. pull that sucker out 6. grab your turducken 7. and shove that shit up that hole (man this should really be a game show)! And there you have it folks: a human turducken- a chicken stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey, stuffed snugly inside a stranger’s uterus.

Isn’t the human mind something? Now if you’re feeling real festive this holiday season, you could do some extra steps and end up with some human centipede shit that some weird-ass artist would put in the MOMA, and then you’ll have loser kids staring at your dick all day and that one kid with the braces will point at it and say “is it supposed to be that small?”. Anyway… that’s all I got for human turducken, so if any of you have some ideas on how to make this a truly once-ina-lifetime experience (probably because you’ll die right after), send them our way.

"The dildo of consequence rarely comes lubed."

Do you not like what you see? Well then fuck off you rude bastard. If you think you can do better than prove it. Medium pitch meetings: Wednesdays at 8 pm at the Livingston Student Center, Room 109.

THE SPORTS EDITOR CONQUERS HOUSTON; RENAMED AS NEW SOUTH PHILLY

that The Phillies were cheated by The Astros, so I decided to rectify this grave mistake by taking something from the city of Houston. Mainly control over the city itself.

My righteous campaign started in the early hours of that Sunday after the World Series. I left New Brunswick around 3 am. I liberated a car for the purpose of my trip.

My assault on Houston started on the morning of November 7th. My crusade started when I attacked Minute Maid Park, the home of The Astros.

FROM: THE DESK OF THE NEW PRESIDENTIAL PALACE

Hello friends! It is I, the sports editor. Sorry about how the article last week ended.

I understand that some people were concerned when I appeared to disappear from the face of the planet after my beloved Phillies were defeated in the World Series by those

BY MICYCLE SNEAKER

bastard Astros. But I’m good now. I should confess, though, that before I became good, I did something quite drastic. That drastic thing was that in my angry, drunk/ hungover state. I decided to invade Houston. My rationale for my one-man campaign was

During my 24-hour, 1,604mile trip. I collected a decent amount of weaponry and body armor from several anonymous sources. To benefit the continued freedom of my sources. , I shall not name them, but they were all in Arkansas and Tennessee. The final leg of the trip was on I-45 south. This is where my last contact with the other members of The Medium. I called one of the writers from a payphone on the side of the road. I didn’t tell them my plan at the time. I couldn’t give them the opportunity to let them stop me.

My offensive lasted approximately 4 days. It was a bloody affair, I will not lie to you, dear reader. I was successful in my campaign, and I was able to take the city on November 12th. I have dubbed my new kingdom “New South Philly,” a name with some class and respect. I have turned Minute Maid Park into my Presidential Palace, including a golden throne and desk in which I am writing this letter to you.

The control of my domain is slipping, our neighbors are threatening to invade New South Philly from every side. The defenses of wooden spikes and lava moat should keep them at bay for now. I don’t know how long I will remain in control here, but they will not take me alive.

Lab reports have confirmed that multiple athletes of the No-Nuts Busted Association (N-NBA) have been using Lexapro to gain an unfair advantage in competitions. Camera flashes strobed as reporters yelled questions at coach Bill de Blasio (no relation) following this past Sunday's contest between The Seattle Sea-Cocks and The New York Mets. When de Blasio (no relation) was announced as the inaugural leader of The Mets, hopes were high that we'd see a fair, honest, and well managed team. Unfortunately, he has brought nothing but shame, anger, and betrayal, just like Bill de Blasio (relation).

More careful players used other, less commonly tested medications connected to Erectile Dysfunction, including Risperdal, Zoloft, and Paxil. These were anonymously self reported by players following a congressional probe into the issue. Lithium was also used, but that was only discovered after someone was seen attempting to eat a battery in the middle of a game.

We sent a writer at The Medium undercover to approach an unnamed player for the Cumnucks. We reached out to another player for anonymous comments. The recordings can be found at the links below:

Undercover recording: https://m.soundcloud.com/jade-zack/ rutgurls-track-1

Anonymous interview: https://m.soundcloud.com/jade-zack/ happy-birthday

THIS YEAR IS THE FIRST THANKSGIVING WITHOUT JOHN MADDEN. THE HOLIDAY FEELS EMPTY NOW.