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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
November 17th, 2021
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ ANOTHER ARTICLE ABOUT NUTTING
QUICKIES
BIDEN TO CHANGE NNN TO ‘WANKSGIVING’ HARRY NUTTSACC GOBBLE ON DEEZ
In what may be considered an extremely partisan move, President Biden is starting to push for the Trump era No Nut November to be changed to Wanksgiving. The move was announced during a press conference Biden held on the White House lawn yesterday morning after his win with his recent infrastructure bill. Many reporters believed the press conference would center around the infrastructure bill as he lorded his victory, or perhaps about the COP26 conference that just ended last week. Instead, Biden described his plan to combat what he called "another partisan issue of great concern to the future of America and her citizens." Many are familiar with No Nut November, a month dedicated to not blowing your load. Talk
has started among certain internet circles that the month-long event is getting old and that the joke had run its course. It was perhaps in response to this and in an attempt to increase public appeal that Biden decided to support a bill that would replace No Nut November. Biden's address to reporters included a
more concrete but less believable reason behind the bill: "Ever since my predecessor instituted No Nut November as law in 2017, America's fertility has had a death grip on its balls. Might as well call it Rihanna." Many in the crowd called this tasteless. Biden Continued on Page 2
I WANNA STICK MY DICK IN A PUMPKIN LATTE
CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAYS WITH THE ALL-NEW STARBUCKS MENU! COMMON CENTSMAN IS A MEANIE BOBINI
Ask anyone: us, any sorority girl, Mariah Carey, Starbucks at the Yard… It’s the holiday season, baby! Starbucks is helping celebrate the season with a twist this year, though. With all of the existential crises, capital rioting, and other shit we’ve had to endure since our last, real holiday season, Starbucks has had a little reflection and decided to add a few new items to the menu to celebrate. A little congrats on making it through 2020 and 2021! Ready to buy all of those wish-list gifts? Enjoy it over a piping-hot “Capitalist Seasonal Dark Roast!” Maybe you’re someone with a lot of people to save face with? Well then you can end
your shopping spree with a creamy “Blow-Your-Budget Macchiato.” Gone carolling? Sip on the holiday spirit to keep you going with the “Reindeer Cream Latte,” or hit that higher key with an “Elf Tears Mocha!” 12 Days of Christmas is a really long time, luckily these reindeer are plenty
horny and the elves are sad enough to make supplies last well into 2022. Starbucks has also added some snacks for the season, but we don’t recommend them. The creative team went home early, so they settled on offering a “Kwanza Cookie” (cool?) and a “Hanukkah Continued on Page 2
Railing Dead Birds Since 1970
How To Prep Your Turkey For Shibari Webster's Dictionary Defines The Word 'Fuck' News Editor Never Had The Makings Of A Varsity Athlete Biden Manages To Finally Pass Something Useful Man Hides Body In His Mom's Monkey's Room Of Sextoys Deer Dying En Masse Due to ADHD & IEDs Woman Fights COVID-19 Over Prime Ribs Copy Editor Wants To Be Stuffed By A Turkey Sbarro Pizza Slice Stabs Student
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NEWS
"Dis turkey 'bout to gobble on this dick!"
JOE BIDEN: FIRING BLANKS SINCE 1804 THANK YOU FOR MASTURBATING continued, "Instead, we will be celebrating a new, Democratic holiday, that instead celebrates the lifeblood and cum of America: Wanksgiving." The President continued to describe what Wanksgiving would entail: on the day before Thanksgiving, everyone would have the day off to sit at home with their government-subsidized tissues and lotion. Everyone would be required to jerk off at least once on Wanksgiving but are encouraged to masturbate the day away (in lethargic preparation for a day of gluttony). If anyone adult cannot provide proof that they have cummed that day, they will be publicly executed. I personally
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do not understand how this stipulation does not concern Biden himself, as I cannot imagine that the man can keep it up for very long or lift his arm for long enough to finish.
IT'S MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO NUT WHENEVER I PLEASE!
BY: ELLEN DEUNCHARITABLE
Rutgers University has elected to offer a new course for the Spring 2022 semester. This decision comes after officials began taking note of the concerning amount of social media posts, especially on the Rutgers Reddit (r/rutgers)
and @rumissedconnections on Instagram, that highlight the lack of basic social skills and loneliness among Rutgers students. “I mean, there’s like sixty posts on @rumissedconnections a day. A DAY!” exclaimed a representative from the
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MMM, OVERPRICED COFFEE INJECT THIS INTO MY VEINS Sandwich” for the peckish patrons. That second one has pork in it. They don’t know what they’re doing. Anyways… Staying in for the season because you don’t want to put up with your racist uncles, judgmental aunts, or needy grandparents? Cuddle up by the fire with a cool, brown-sugarsprinkled “Old Brew.” Maybe you’re feeling some holiday blues? Well in honour of the times and the season, Starbucks has even introduced alcohol to their menus! (Finally.) Try your hand at the sweet, chocolatey “Depresso Martini,” or perhaps you’re feeling like a traditional “Irish Coffee” is more up
RUTGERS STUDENTS: MORE AWKWARD THAN CARDBOARD SINCE 2020
RUTGERS TO OFFER “HOW TO COMMUNICATE LIKE A WELL-ADJUSTED HUMAN BEING” CLASS
Wednesday, November 17th, 2021
Student Affairs office. “It’s like, just TALK to them instead of vague posting on Insta!” @rumissedconnections is an Instagram page where Rutgers students try to find and connect with people they have seen or talked to instead of going up to them and starting a conversation like Normal, WellAdjusted Young Adults. “If you look on Rutgers Reddit, there’s like ten posts a day titled ‘How to Make Friends?’ or ‘Please someone hold me tenderly, I crave human physical affection, but I don’t know how to find it naturally.’ It’s concerning in a very sad way, really,” added a Rutgers psychology professor that asked to remain unnamed. These new classes will hopefully decrease the number of sad, lonely Rutgers students. Each section will feature lessons from “How to ask for someone’s number or socials without seeming like a creep,”
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your alley? (There’s no joke about that last one, we just really want one right now). Just kidding! It’s topped off with a sprinkle of Celtic melancholy! Mwah! Compliments to the mixologist!
COMING SOON: STARBUCKS' NEW KISS OF DEATH LATTE, ONLY $1.99 (WARNING: CONTAINS CYANIDE)
and “A step-by-step guide to joining clubs and meeting people” and “How to move your mouth up and down while vibrating your vocal cords to make noises like ‘Hi’ and ‘How are you?’ and ‘Crazy weather today, huh,” The final for the class will be a show-and-tell with an acquaintance that the student has made during the semester. That One Guy From Your Highschool That You Talk To Sometimes and Your Long Term Boyfriend/Girlfriend will not count. Rutgers students are reportedly looking forward to this new class offering.
NEXT CLASS TO BE OFFERED: "HOW TO GET LAID LIKE A FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING"
GOBBLE, GOBBLE, BITCH! COME JOIN THE MEDIUM, WE HAVE STUFFING! THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARD ROOM OR ROOM #109
Editorial Staff Fall 2021
Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Quinlan Van Es
Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Personals Editor
Sports Editor Carlos Domenech Copy Editor Kelly Manniello Secretary Quinlan Van Es Social Media Editor John Mahoney Kiran Subramanian Webmaster Page A7 Editor Amit Ofek Resident Douche
Doug Willig Kyle Sabin Carlos Domenech Kyle Sabin Quinlan Van Es Karens Bitching About Coupons
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to glorious, glorious turkey dick.
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FEATURES
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“Time to get positively stuffed.”
JUSTICE FOR SNOOPY
Ass-trology: The Best Part About Thanksgiving By: PP Harding
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Side dishes Who the actual fuck likes turkey unless it's smothered in gravy and accompanied by mashed potatoes, stuffing, and some “vegetable” (also smothered in sauce and cheese)? Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Thanksgiving-themed porn What are you doing step-pilgrim? Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): Homemade drinking games Every single time a relative says something super uncalled for, take a swig. You’ll be too drunk to understand what they’re talking about in no time! Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): Snoopy putting in the fucking work He really made toast, jellybeans, and popcorn for a gang of unappreciative punk-ass kids. I’d gobble that shit down just for him. Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): Friendsgiving I have absolutely no friends; please bring me food. Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Chowing down on a thick slab of white meat You know who you are, Mr. Centsman.
CHARLIE BROWN IS A DICK
Top 5 Thanksgiving Themed Porn Movies By: Spunky McGee
1. Plymouth Rock Hard - At the first Thanksgiving, the turkey’s not the only thing getting stuffed. [I know that they didn’t have turkey at the first Thanksgiving. Fuck off, go touch a titty]. 2. Jizz Hardcock’s Turkey Hollow Out Your Ass - In this movie, the puppets are not the only ones getting stuffed. [I know this is my second “stuffed” joke, fuck off. These are porno movies; if they don’t have to be overly creative, neither do I.] 3. Is That Your Dick Charlie Brown? - The highlight to this fallthemed fuck fest was the surprisingly tasteful lesbian sequence between Peppermint Patty and Marcie. 4. In Front of My Potato Salad?!? - That’s not mayo in the potato salad; it’s step-bro's jizz. 5. Free Birds and Bushes - This is my favorite on the list. You could say that I have a soft spot for bush. I’m just a man who enjoys some hair. [My love of bush ends at Busch Campus; fuck Busch].
TAKE ME DOWN AND ACROSS
A Mediumly-Good Crossword By Ellen DeUncharitable
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): Passing the fuck out after stuffing yourself Nothing is better than eating an unholy amount of carbs and then simply passing away for the night. Must be the tryptophan, am I right? Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): Sneaking away from your family and befriending family pets. Pets are rad and also not your shitty uncle who is still explaining why white lives matter too. Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Free laundry at your Mom’s house You poor, cheap fuck. That’s right, go make your mommy do your laundry. Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): March of the Wooden Soldiers Please tell me someone else knows what I’m talking about. I watch this movie every fuckin' year and no one knows what I’m talking about. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Having a reason to finally start celebrating Christmas Or the Jewish one! We like to be inclusive here. Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Seeing that one relative you actually like Your family doesn’t like you and they don’t like this relative either, so you guys sneak away together and smoke a fat doobie.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, YOU SEXY FUCK!
Across 1. A common compliment after a successful attempt at an action (2 words, 4 then 3) 4. Used to identify a specific person, thing, or situation close at hand (4) 6. A common game that newspapers (even satire ones) place in papers to take up space amuse its readers Down 2. The person doing this crossword, a word used to refer to someone (3) 3. To finish a task, past tense (9) 5. Silly, foolish, amusingly illogical (6) (ANSWERS FOUND ON PAGE A7.)
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, November 17th, 2021
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"November 27th will be 2 years since I was last wiped."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How excited are you for Thanksgiving break? "I need this break so damn bad. Seriously, if I have to spend another day in class I will off myself." Alan Dicks Is gonna be disappointed to hear that there's school after this break
"A few days will not cure my depression." Leslie Womanny That's the spirit
"Please stop bothering me, I'm homeless, I don't ever get a break." Homeless Joe Joe's always got the funny quips CHOW TIME
I Will Be Serving Myself on Thanksgiving BY CHRIS JACKSON
Just like everybody else, I love Thanksgiving. Lots of good food, you get a couple of days off of work and school; it's practically a requirement that you sit your fat ass on the couch all evening and do jack shit. Sounds pretty good to me. On paper. The reality, though, is often: do a shit ton of work, everybody complains, somebody says something racist, and then you gotta sit there and listen as they complain more about whatever dumb fucking football game is on. This year, I've decided, fuck all of them, I'm gonna be serving up healthy doses of myself on Thanksgiving. Every single food on the table is gonna have a piece of me or something that came out of me in it. The turkey's easy: the gravy that's gonna be smothering that delicious bird is just my puréed shit. Nice and smooth, maybe mix in some actual gravy if it's not smooth enough, and just drowning the turkey in it. If anyone tries to stop me from pouring the gravy on it before it hits the table, I'll be prepared: I know you normally just do this with roasts and stuff, but instead of making slices and sliding in garlic, I'm gonna be sliding in my fucking toenails (anything that should have garlic in it will feature toenails instead). Both the mashed potatoes and candied yams will feature my cum, the cranberry sauce will have some blood in it (enjoy my AIDS, bitch), and the stuffing is gonna be stuffed with pubes.
BUSCH DINING HALL IS FULL OF PERVERTS
The Weekly Busch Rant: Please, I Just Want Some Tofu BY KIRA AMETHYST
I began last week’s Weekly Busch Rant by mentioning that I would have written about “the truly aweinspiringly dysfunctional Busch Dining Hall” had it not been for the ejaculating trees outside my dormitory. Well, Busch Dining Hall, your time has come. Right in front of my fucking salad. You’re probably expecting me to rant about the food quality, but no; I will instead be ranting about the management of this abomination of an eatery. It seems that whichever old, shriveled ballsack that runs Busch Dining Hall is completely lacking in common sense, because nothing about the way it runs is logical. You see, the pasta station, the busiest station by a massive margin, is run by one (1) stressed little lunch lady who is visibly contemplating sticking her head in the pizza oven behind her and slamming the door. I wait in line for my undercooked pasta tossed with veined shrimp, and my twink knees nearly fold from how long I stand there. But sometimes, I just want some teriyaki tofu stir fry. Like, for example, on Halloween: I, bereft of any friends, trudged through the cold evening to Busch Dining Hall in search of some stir fry, only to find the stir fry station closed! Because the ballsack in charge closes the stir fry station, the only other good food, on weekends! What the absolute fuck! This realization made me genuinely want to kill myself. In conclusion, fuck Busch. Signed, the The Medium writer who just wants his daily intake of carbohydrates. PLEASE, NO MORE
Snails Have Too Much Power BY CONCERNED CITIZEN
I was walking through the untamed wilds of Cook/Doug when I stopped and saw a slug. This slug was a fucking massive mother. Despite the size of this alien-looking motherfucker, I felt no fear. This big, slimy, appendage-less cocksucker poses no threat to me! I could kill him quicker than I could snap my fingers. However, snails are dangerous. While a slug is defenseless, entirely without protection, a snail is built like a fucking tank. They have that shell on them that could stop approximately half a pound of force. That's a lot of pounds I think! What's next, they can just go wherever the fuck they want? I've been hearing talk online about killer snails or some shit, apparently The Beatles wrote a song about them or something? I don't really follow TikTok, but either way snails are a fucking threat and something needs to happen. That shit cannot continue, someone needs to put a stop to it. What if I just run into a snail? What do I do? Walk around it? Won't it follow me? Sure, it probably won't catch up, but if they live forever?!? I'm fucked man, we're all super fucked. I'm not stepping outside until the president addresses this fucking snail thing, man, I just can't put up with this shit. And on Thanksgiving, no less!
Wednesday, November 17th, 2021
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ARTS
"Draw me a turkey..." "Oh god! Not that turkey" - The Little Prince
A VERY MEDIUM THANKSGIVING
the Medium
ALONE - CIN DRARIUG
GOBBLE- GOOL - PP HARDING
ARE YOU UNABLE TO SPEAK FRENCH? ARE YOU LOOKING TO LEARN HOW TO SPEAK FRENCH? CAN YOU TEACH ME FRENCH? IF YOU ANSWERED YES OR NO TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS YOU SHOULD JOIN THE MEDIUM. THE ONLY NEWSPAPER DEEPLY CONCERNED WITH YOUR ABLITY TO SPEAK (OR NOT TO SPEAK) THE FRENCH LANGUAGE. ROOM 109 IN THE LIVI STUDENT CENTER FROM 8-9PM THIS WEDNSDAY.
PERSONALS
the Medium Fuck
All Cops are Bastards! (Some are bastards, orphans, sons of whores, and Scotsmen.) Why is the banana-flavored frozen yogurt at Brower so sus? (It's banana flavored, it’s kinda obvious.) How old is my co-editor? (You shall never know, young grasshopper. The hint I shall give is that I was 40 when we voted Nixon in.) I am sexually attracted to Peppa Pig. What do I do? (Just letting you know that Peppa Pig is 7’1’’. If you can climb that mountain, go for it.) Can you give me a random statement? (Grammarly is racist.) Is The Medium interested in drugs?
"Sleep is for the weak, all you need is cocaine."
Your
Who are your top 5 pornstars? (1. Abella Danger 2. Lena Rhoades 3. Johnny Sins 4. Kim Kardashian 5. Danny DeVito) What are some good euphemisms for pornography? (My two personal favorites are either candid photography or documentaries.) How big was 70s pornstar John Holmes’s cock? (Great question: It was reportedly 13 and a half inches long; isn’t that fun. It was said that it was so big that he couldn’t achieve a full erection because he would pass out from lack of blood flow to his brain.)
Who did the better song about girls? Beastie Boys or (Absolutely not sir, how Mötley Crüe? dare you even suggest such (Beastie Boys, and it is not a thing about us. [ya me even fucking close. Girls by dude. can you meet in front the Beastie Boys is a fuckof the Livingston Student ing bog and a half.) Center at midnight.])
Word of the Week:
Honky n. White person. See also: Cracker, Blu-eyed Devil, or Karen. Hey fuckwit. Come join The Medium. Meetings are held in the Livingston Student Center: Board Room or Room 109. Wednesdays @ 8pm If you don’t come I will hunt you down and eat your liver.
Questions
Can you poorly summarize Marvel Movies? (Here are a few: Spider-Man: A teenage boy learns about his body changing and can shoot out sticky white fluid Fantastic 4: Where the superheroes do nothing, but shit happens Iron Man: An American Billionaire becomes socially conscious Captain America: The Winter Soldier: Cold War Part 2 Avengers: Age of Ultron: An AI looked at 4Chan for two seconds and wants to destroy the world Captain America: Civil War: A boomer and a billionaire go to war over international law Black Panther: An debate over protectionism gets heated Avengers: Infinity War: The Malthusians get their own movie Captain Marvel: A movie where that cat made a bigger impact than the pussy Spiderman: Far From Home: An unemployed man tries to ruin a teenager’s vacation Eternals: Aliens give Earth an Abortion .)
Wednesday, November 17th, 2021
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11/17: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
Make It Stop How many brown people can I take? (Dude, you couldn’t take the gay people last week, how do you expect to take on the brown people.) Don’t worry, I can take them! (Well, define brown people. There are Indians, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis, Afghanis, Mexicans, Pacific Islanders, Cubans, Dominicans, Haitians, Jamaicans, Nicaraguans, Native Americans, Venezuelans, Colombians, Ecuadorians, and Brazilians. Pick one of those groups, and they’d beat your ass in 2 seconds.) Happy Thanksgiving to you from all of us at The Medium. (To the three people who are still reading this fucking thing.)
Come join The Medium Meeting; unless you're a pussy. Pussy! Wednesdays @ 8pm Livingston Student Center Board Room or Room 109.
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PAGE A7
"Whores that don't take venmo will burn in hell fire." Genesis 50:31
HARD HITTING REPORTING
An Interview with a Livi Protester By: Cin Drariug On the 10th of November, a group of protesters came to Livingston campus. Many found their views to be “offensive” and were rated “pants on hell-fire” by PolitiFact’s truth-o-meter. Campus police had to show up to the event to help prevent violence, and many students called for them to be removed from campus. However, in an effort to be more inclusive to new and engaging belief systems, The Medium interviewed one such protester: Sir? Can I ask you questions for the school newspaper? Sure. Can you describe your sign for me, and why you chose to carry it here? My sign? Oh that silly thing? Well it says… (looking up at the sign). Oh, dear me. I’ve never actually taken a look at it before. (looks up again) Hmm…. It says “Fey-mee-nee-sts pro-maa-tee rah - pee.” I’m sorry. Here, let me get my kid here, he can answer you better. (At this point the protester called over his son. For convenience’s sake, the son’s dialogue will be italicized.) Hey kid, can you read this sign to this nice gentleman over there? Sure daddy! It says “Feminists promote Rape through immodest dress, drunkness, hanging with homos-” WHOA KIDDO! (Whispering) Are you sure this is what it says, kid? Yes Daddy! It also says that Feminists want all men dead! Thanks Kiddo! That’s enough of that, go back to your school work or something… Sir, do you agree with the statement that “Feminists Promote Rape?” Sure I do… Ok I don’t. Are all these like that? Yes. Huh. I was told they were promoting literacy in adults. Wasn’t too sure why all these kids were yelling at me… Thanks for letting me know. I’m going to pack up now. And pack up he did. As it turns out, the protesters' signs were, inadvertently but conveniently, promoting the very cause that they intended to promote.
the Medium
EXPOSING THE MSM SINCE 1970
If News Organizations Were People in Your High School By: Inbread Sandwichium New York Times: That girl who says she’s not like the other girls but is just a carbon copy. Remember “JoUrNaLiSm LIkE No OtHer”. Often hangs out with CBS, NBC, NPR, ABC, etc. Al-Jazeera: That super-rich girl that you wonder, “How did she get all that money?” until you realize that she is a prostitute for the Qatari Government. Forbes: That super rich guy, who’s a complete douchebag about it. Also, he’s a prostitute for the Chinese Government. Fox News: The jock football player who manages to get into a better college than you due to an athletic scholarship. He has 17 rape allegations against him. CNN: That one teacher that seems reliable, but once you think about anything they say, you realize it's complete bullshit. Has a masturbation addiction. Buzzfeed: The 40-year-old teacher that “still has it”. Uses outdated memes in their Powerpoints and dabs frequently. Vox: The rabid Bernie Bro who thinks that anyone that disagrees with them is a corporate whore and/or a Nazi. Daily Wire: That one guy who thinks that he is smarter than everyone because he watches PragerU and Louder with Crowder videos. Has a Ben Shapiro body pillow. MSNBC: That one kid who keeps complaining about Fox News being a dick while being an even bigger dick. Really tight friends with Vox. The Medium: That one kid whose sense of humor hasn’t evolved past 2nd grade poop jokes. Wall Street Journal: The kid who only talks about stocks and why you should invest in Shiba Inu Coin. Local News Organizations: The nerd that gets curb stomped by all the bigger guys. US News and World Report: That one passive-aggressive friend that constantly makes you feel bad about your college apps. Manipulates your parents into hating you. Vice: The drug dealer that films himself cooking the supply. Has odd focuses and people just kinda leave him alone.
ANSWERS TO A-MEDIUMLY-GOOD CROSSWORD
November 17th, 2021 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPORTS is the topic of this page, you can look for porn elsewhere buddy
THE 14 RUTGERS PLAYERS TO PLAY IN THE NBA FOLLOWED BY THE WORD ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION 169 TIMES BY A HARD-WORKING AUTHOR
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Making Sure Not to Commit Crimes Against Humanity SINCE 1970