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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
November 3rd, 2021
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ REPORTED
TO ATTRACT NEW MEMBERS THE MEDIUM STARTS USING DICK-SUCKING CHAIRS HARRY NUTTSAAC SAAC IS NOW DRAINED
Within weeks of re-emerging from their bunker beneath the Livingston Student Center, The Medium is looking for any way possible for them to interest and retain new members. As so many members of the club perished during the pandemic (most from starvation or cannibalism), The Medium is desperate to replace those members and find more suckers to do their jobs. It was just this idea, about whatever suckers we might lure in, that led to the organization's newest idea: using chairs that will suck your schlong. This was only one of many ideas that The Medium had to attract new membership: a bake sale, another bake sale, and yet another bake sale were among other ideas floated. Despite the appeal of a bake
sale, the dick-sucking chairs won over the vote of every single penis-having writer at the paper (including my own). The Medium immediately commissioned enough chairs to satisfy every member of the paper and many, many more. Each chair comes with
a lusciously-lipped lap bar meant to suck the soul of anyone sitting in the seat. Y'all remember that scene from Monsters Inc where Randall uses that vacuum tube or whatever on Mike? Yeah, that was the inspiration for the sucking power of these chairs. Continued on Page 2
WATERWORLD 2 (LIVE) COMING OUT 2050
POLITICIANS FLOCK TO GLASGOW TO SPOUT SOME BULLSHIT ABOUT SAVING EARTH MICHAEL C. HAWKE CAW CAW BITCH
From Nov. 1st to Nov. 12th, tens of thousands of environmentalists, reporters, activists, and other walks of life will be gathering in one of the world’s drunkest cities, Glasgow, in order to attend the 2021 UN Climate Change Conference, otherwise known as COP26, which in reality should be known as (total) CAP26. The main subject of the conference in question will be climate change, or more specifically, how every single nation in the world isn’t going to do jackshit about it again, all thinly veiled under the guise of political speeches, slideshows, and lies. The most prominent figures expected to attend the conference
for the next couple weeks will be politicians like US President Joe Biden, French President Emmanuel Macron, and UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson. Meanwhile, others like Chinese President Xi Jinping and Russian President Vladimir Putin have announced that they will not be attending the conference.
The reasoning behind this has been attributed to their opposition to policies against climate change, but with that being said, it is likely they’re also aware that their mere presence won’t make a fucking difference in whether or not we end up in a live version of Waterworld, Continued on Page 2
Dreading Our Future Since 1970
QUICKIES
Two Small Piles Or One Big Pile? Man In Lanternfly Costume Gets Curbstomped Weighted Blanket Too Heavy For Local Man These Fucking Quickies Are The Bane of My Existance Do You Like Penis Coladas? Or Getting Cummed On In The Rain? Medium Editor Gets Mugged For Denim Shirt My Shirt Now, Motherfucker, Do Something Jonathan Holloway To Grow Pornstache Holy Shit Spotted In Busch Bathrooms
the Medium
NEWS
"Deal with my ponytail, bitch."
SLURP SLURP SLURP THIS SHIT'S NUTS sucking power of these chairs. Unfortunately, the constant hum of the motors to power these suck machines almost entirely drowns out any conversation at the meeting. This has been a serious downside at pitch meetings that rely heavily on conversation and people throwing out ideas; production meetings have also remained difficuvyhla. (Sorry, the chair, I hope you understand.) The use of these chairs, while pleasant and effective, has ruined the productivity of the paper (hence all the absolute shit pieces that are in here). This downward spiral has further increased the need for new members and has
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GLUG GLUG GLUG ...continued from front
made our situation here even more drastic. Any penis-having member of the student body is wholly encouraged to join and make use of these chairs and nonpenis-having members are even more so encouraged as you will prove much more effective than any man.
MEDIUM'S COCKSUCKING CHAIRS NOW ON SALE FOR $299.99 (NO TAX, CAUSE THAT'S FUCKING THEFT)
INVEST IN WATERCRAFT PEOPLE which would likely benefit them for the remainder of their short, miserable lives anyhow. During the conference, numerous major counter-protests were held, with a major protest also being held in Glasgow. Swedish environmental activist Greta Thunberg was reportedly seen at the frontline of a conflict between riot police and protesters, armed with nothing but a dildo and a garbage can lid. When later asked by one of our correspondents about why she was wielding a dildo, she had this to say: "How else am I supposed to tell these politicians to go fuck themselves if they won't listen to us?"
FOR THE FIFTH TIME, RUTGERS IS A BUREAUCRATIC MESS
WHO SAID THAT? DID YOU HEAR THAT, TOO!? NO? BY: COMMON CENTSMAN
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – Happy World Mental Health Day! Oh wait… that was some time ago? Well good riddance – now the rest of us can get back to facing our demons without being mocked by those chasing clout. (Bad time to say, "don’t forget to like,
follow, and subscribe?") May is also Mental Health Awareness Month… or so they say. Wonder how “influencers” maximize clout for one thing throughout a whole month like that? Either way, guess we’ll just have to fold up our psychosis into our back pockets
until then! Simple enough, right? No worries. What’s that? Rutgers University has a resource called “CAPS” that can help us out? Sweet! We’ve finally worked up the courage to reach out for help! Thinking it’s about time to make an appointment! Can’t wait to figure out how to get the devil out of my ear and off my shoulder. Both shoulders, that is. (This ghost seriously needs to stop touching me, though.) Hold up… they’re booked up for at least a month just to secure an intake appointment? Well, fuck a duck. Sounds like the counselors need counseling to figure out their problems now. Maybe we can try again in May when everyone pretends to care again? Ready to dive right in and sort out these mental health issues as soon as possible! Oh, but they only have room for one appointment every two weeks after that intake appointment?
...continued from front
MEDIUM'S COCKSUCKING BOATS NOW ON SALE FOR $699.69 (AGAIN, NO TAX, CAUSE THAT'S FUCKING THEFT)
So it’ll take six weeks just to get started? Sounds like quite a few dark nights of curling up with these vices to keep warm then… Never mind, gotta go! Feeling the need to take another Xanax coming on. *Prescribed Xanax,* of course. (Anyone else suddenly taste raw coffee beans?) If you are facing issues with addiction, mental health, or trauma and distress please do seek help with the Counseling, Alcohol and Other Drug Assistance Program & Psychiatric Services (CAPS). We wish you the best of luck for when you do!
WHAT'S THAT? CAPS FUCKING SUCKS? WHAT'S THAT? RUTGERS DOESN'T KNOW FUCK-ALL ABOUT HELPING STUDENTS?
IF YOU COME WRITE FOR US WE'LL CUM RIGHT FOR YOU, AND ON YOU THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARD ROOM OR ROOM #109
Editorial Staff Fall 2021
Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Quinlan Van Es
Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium
News Editors Features Editor Opinions Editor Personals Editor
Carlos Domenech Kelly Manniello Quinlan Van Es John Mahoney Kiran Subramanian Page A7 Editor Amit Ofek
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche
Doug Willig Kyle Sabin Carlos Domenech Quinlan Van Es AIDS
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to everyone who has already failed No Nut November.
FEATURES
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the Medium
“If someone doesn't make me cum soon, I will call the police.”
MMM SO CREAMY
Top 10 Ice Cream Flavors, Now That Halloween Has Passed By An Ice Cream Connoisseur
PLEASE, PLEASE SOMEONE CALL ME FOR SEX
Asstrology: Vague and Yet Super Specific Horoscope for this Week By PP Harding
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Maybe you’ll pass a British person on the street. Even if you don’t hear their accent, you can’t assume someone isn’t British. Not until you see the whites of their eyes. Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): You’ll probably have pasta for dinner at some point this week. Probably something basic like penne with marinara, you bitch. Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): Your roommate may or may not fucking kill you for being a nosy-ass bitch. Mind your business and leave me alone! I mean, uhh, yeah keep your thoughts to yourself. Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): At some point this week, you will be going poopoo and then a little peepee will come out too. Coincidence? Perhaps. Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): Be careful. On Friday, you may or may not miss a bus because it is overfilled with 76 people and another may not come for about 47 minutes.
1. Cum: but specifically five minute-old, 5’5 femboy cum, scooped from the belly button 2. Axe deodorant: after all, what better way to bond with your roommate who hasn’t brought a soapy sponge to his ass crack in a decade than to taste his favorite deodorant? 3. Coins. 4. The beads in silica gel packets: I know you’ve wanted to try those elusive little beads and shove them up your ass. The forbidden crunch of the silicon. Now you can try it! 5. If you like women: pussy. 6. If you don’t: why don’t you start you fucking misogynist. 7. Penis Colada: not only does it taste just like yummy jizz, but it ALSO will make your jizz taste yummy ooooooooooo 8. Ribbed (for your pleasure) condoms: apparently they provide too much friction, but that won’t stop you, you adventurous little whore! 9. Rain: I had to include one normal flavor here for you basic vanilla bitches. 10. Mint chocolate chip: because it’s strictly the best flavor in existence and all you fucking deniers should do some serious introspection cause y’all fucking dumb.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): You will probably see a dog somewhere in your weekly travels, and this dog will probably be white. Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): A lanternfly may fly up into your supple bod, this will be the last lanternfly of the season. Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): You will not be having sex this week... unless you call me sometime ;) Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): You or someone you know will come close to shitting themselves. They won’t, but you better believe they’ll come pretty darn close. Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): You may eat something super sweet or super spicy… again, call me if you want a bite ;) Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): A cute stranger will briefly glance at you and nothing will happen after that. Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Something embarrassing will happen to you and everyone in your immediate vicinity will look at you and I bet you’ll feel pretty darn silly.
COME TO THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 109 TO RUB MY BELLY. IT IS SO FULL AND IT AINT GONNA RUB ITSELF. ALSO WE NEED WRITERS OR SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW.
the Medium
OPINIONS
"Help, I'm trapped inside the newspaper and I can't get out!"
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What did you do on Election Day? "Oh shit, I totally forgot about that. Good thing it doesn't affect me whatsoever." John Scott Straight, white POS
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DRUGS ARE BAD, M'KAY
Why I’ll Begin Dealing Drugs if the Asstros Win The World Series BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE
Alright, as a precursor, I wanna let you guys know I’m a Mets fan, so everything I say from here on out is not out of love for the Braves, but out of pure spite for the Asstros, alongside my ever-growing disdain with the MLB as an organization. Anyway, you know that trope that takes place "I organized a grassroots in movies where the protagonist ends up competing against an antagonist campaign over several months to who cheats? Then, right as the protagonist appears to encourage voter turnout and raise be on the ropes, they just go full send and earn a killer awareness in my community." win, proving at the end of the day that cheaters will never Anthony Jackson prosper? Tryhard lol Think of the upcoming 2021 World Series as that movie, with the Atlanta Braves as the underdog (having last won the World Series in 1995), and the Asstros as the antagonist that most everyone absolutely despises. "I voted after educating myself This isn’t just some regular game day with hot dogs, beer, the works; the matter at hand is far more dire than on the candidates." whoever scores the most runs. This series will pretty Emily Monroe much answer the question for not only baseball fans, but Healthy medium also many honest people in general: “Do cheaters actually prosper?” If the answer is no, then I wager the majority of baseball fans, if not the country, may rejoice at the idea POOOOOOOORN! that a bunch of cheaters rightfully got their asses handed The Weekly Busch Rant: Why am I to them, as they should. If the answer is yes, then it would be motivation Living in Jail When BEST West Also for me to drop out of Rutgers and sling dope. I mean if Exists? a shitty fucking team like the Astros can just steal signs BY KIRA AMETHYST (telling batters what pitch will be thrown) for two whole seasons, then proceed to sweep the Braves four years later, First, I must apologize for the lack with virtually no consequences from the MLB (aside from of a Weekly Busch Rant last week; I admit I am a lazy little twink. But I’m some suspensions), then I think it’s fair to say that the only back, bitches! And not a moment too way for me to succeed in life would be to sell quantities of coke and heroin that would make the CIA jealous. Fuck soon; I leave for one week and this earning my bachelors in supply chain management when newspaper goes to shit. I can earn even more by being a dishonest scumbag my Avid Kira readers will remember whole life. Not like I’ll be stuck with any consequences, my first Weekly Busch Rant about right? BEST Hall, the aesthetically pleasing stain on the already filthy Busch Campus. Well, it turns out that I had only experienced what BEST East has to WOW, THAT REALLY WAS AN AWESOME offer that first night, because last night that same friend brought me to BEST West, and seriously, what the fuck. OPINION ABOUT WHATEVER (IDK I I mentioned previously that BEST East looks like DON'T READ THIS SHITTY PAGE) a fucking Marriott. Actually, BEST East is a motel on a side road in Utah compared to Caesar’s Palace across the courtyard. I nearly went into shock the second I walked through the door. This place has tile floors and a THE BEST PART IS THAT I HAVE ONE marble staircase, and at the top of said marble staircase is a lounge with furniture with soft cushions. This FEWER PIECE TO WRITE! lounge had more square footage than my floor's lounge and my suite combined. How come the engineering majors get to live in luxury while the rest of us grovel? COME WRITE MORE SHITTY PIECES They’ll be making six figures anyway; at least let us humanities majors experience wealth for a short period FOR US, WEDNESDAY NIGHTS @8 IN of time. Anyway, I genuinely wanted to kill myself. In conclusion, fuck Busch. THE LSC BOARD ROOM OR ROOM 109 Signed, the Medium writer seriously considering filling out a room switch form.
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“If there is not at least one penis on this page every week I will die.”
SHIT ON THE WALL BY THE MEDIUM
HEART BY CIN DRARIUG
ARTS
the Medium
the Medium My
How do I get an “A” in organic chemistry? (You don’t. If for some reason you actually want to try, some advice: semen’s organic so jerk off on your assignment page.)
PERSONALS
"My toe next to my big toe is bigger than my big toe."
Ass
How to get my editors to stop arguing about pride flag colors?
( Create a new gender.) Who would win in a fight, twinks or lesbians? (Depends on the lesbians: I can’t seem to stop putting biker, yes; flannel, no. on AXE BODY SPRAY. Also, how many twinks? Any advice? After countless hours of ( Wait till you turn 16, then calculation, we at The Medium believe that the you’ll stop. ) How do I get out of the ratio is one average lesbain registered sex offender could take on 3-4 twinks.) registry? I need 6 naked Arabian men (Father, this is very (between 40 and 50) to take unprofessional for a man a bath with me. Any takers? of the cloth.) ( We got one scrawny Can a registered sex Indian. Will that suffice? ) offender be a Santa Claus? I need a good yo mama ( What did we say about joke, any suggestions? writing to The Medium, father?) I want to have a threesome with the Personal Editors, how would I do this? (If you can accept a micro Asian penis and Bigfoot, email us at themedium.submissions@gmail.com.) How do I get more votes? (A little late for that, Jacky boy.)
(We got 2: Yo mama so stupid, she updated to Windows 11 or Yo mama so poor, she put a box of tic tacs on layaway.) I can’t stop clenching? (Does it feel good buddy? If so, keep that finger in your ass.)
Word of the Week:
Democracy n. It's not fucking real mate; see also: pipe dream, fantasy.
Hey fuckwit. Come join The Medium. Meetings are held in the Livingston Student Center: Board Room or Room 109, Wednesdays @ 8 p.m. If you don’t come I will hunt you down and eat your liver.
Bleeds
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ELECTION: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
My co-editor has an annoying ponytail. What do I do about it? (Fuck you Kiran, I like my ponytail. Deal with it, bitch.) Turning Point USA keeps sending me too many emails, what do I do? ( Send them a picture of a woman’s shoulder. If that doesn’t work, send a picture of a grundle.) My co-editor can’t dance, what do I do about this? (Fuck you again, Kiran.) Which Presidents would you fuck first? (First, Lyndon B. Johnson; he nicknamed his dick “Jumbo” and it shows [that is a real history fact]. Second would be Barack Obama for the BBC and I don’t mean the news station.) I’m a pervert that just got a van, what do I do? (Use the “organic white paint.”) I got an F on my test and my dad is going to spank me… (Kinky.)
My Ball Bag Too How many drugs can you take before you die? ( We’ve been trying to solve that for 2 months.) How do I know if I have too many stickers on my laptop? (If your laptop looks like the stall of a gas station bathroom, you gotta stop. Exceptions are for CS students.) How do I do No Nut November? (I don’t know. I lost on day one when I saw a girl’s ankle and shot a creamy geyser into the front of my slacks.) How do teachers grade Expos essays?
You want drugs? (They use a roulette wheel Us too but that's not happening, so instead come join and a ouija board.) The Medium at one of our meetings. Wednesdays @ 8 p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room or Room 109. Who Fucking Knows?
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PAGE A7
"I wonder how many long a line of fetuses would be for a keg stand." - Alpha Beta Frat Man
IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK A POISON?
How Much Sugar Do Sodas Really Have?
the Medium
TAKE A GUESS!
What Will Your Future Hold?
By Cin Drariug According to the Harvard Health Publishing, “Too much added sugar can be one of the greatest threats to cardiovascular disease.” While heart disease remains the leading cause of death for most Americans, sugar consumption increases dramatically. Sugar is the silent killer that has been lurking in the shadows for far too long, and it’s time that The Medium called out the companies and products that have been sneaking high cornstarch syrup into our lives. So, let's start by asking how much sugar do sodas really have? Coke - 39 grams - 5.5 fetuses at 11 weeks of pregnancy Orange Soda - 49 grams - 7 fetuses at 11 weeks of pregnancy Mountain Dew - 46 grams - 2 fetuses at 13 weeks of pregnancy Pepsi - 41 grams - 41 fetuses at 8 weeks of pregnancy Coconut Water - 21 grams - 1.5 fetuses at 12 weeks of pregnancy As this article clearly states, even harmless looking drinks like coconut water still have a whopping 1.5 fetuses at 12 weeks of pregnancy worth of sugar. If you were to drink a can of Coke every day for a week, your pile of 11 week old fetuses would stretch to 11.27 cm! When put into the perspective of how much sugar an average American consumes per day (about 12.5 12 weeks old fetuses) this may not seem like much but consider that if you were to add a can of Coke to an already high-sugar diet your line of 9 week old fetuses would be 89,826.5cm long. This is about 2 laps around a standard quartermile track. Be careful of what you drink! Hiku
Good Old-Fashion Family Values By Spunky McGee
I jizz on your face. While you play with my ball-bag. You’re great step-sister.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, PERV
Upcoming Holidays in November
By Riank Brusian With November starting up, we at The Medium wanted to let you know about a few upcoming holidays that you can choose to participate in. November 10th: National Lick-a-Bitch Day: This is an important time to show our appreciation of all the female dogs and annoying female professors in our lives. During this holiday, PetSmart is hosting a special offer where they will give you 50% off the entire store if you can lick all the bitches there (female dogs and employees included) in under 60 seconds. November 17th: National Foreskin Day: Ladies and gay guys, make the uncut men in your life feel special. With this holiday coming up, PornHub decided to team up with Curiosity Stream to launch a course teaching everyone how to use that extra part. November 24th: Alternative Dildo Day: Ladies, it’s time to ditch the 10inch silicone and find something new to insert into yourself. This is a chance for you to explore and finally go to the local farmers market like you’ve been “dying” to do. We at The Medium came up with a list of different household products that can do the job: Cucumber, Carrots, Bundle of Pencils, Broom Handle, The Medium Newspaper (rolled up), etc.
November 3rd, 2021 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPORTS and yeah if you are actually reading this backpage what the hell are you doing man
JAMEIS WINSTON TO OPEN CRAB LEG RESTAURANT AFTER MISSING REMAINDER OF SEASON WITH TORN ACL
DRUNK JAMEIS CHILLING OUTSIDE HIS NEW RESTAURANT BY: LARRY FITZGERALD IS SITTING IN HIS HOUSE WRITING THIS
New Orleans Saints Head Coach Sean Payton announced Monday that the injury Jameis Winston suffered Sunday versus
Tampa Bay was an ACL tear, meaning Winston will miss the remainder of the 2021 season. Following the announcement, Winston declared that he would be spending the next
two months opening and operating his own crab leg restaurant in Louisiana. Winston made the announcement in a nontraditional manner. After celebrating for a few hours at a bar that he will have the next two months free to himself, the drunk quarterback hosted an impromptu press conference on the streets of Louisiana. Only three reporters showed up, including ESPN’s Adam Schefter, who rushed over from Los Angeles on a motorcycle at 115 miles per hour to ensure he would be able to break the story first. Winston’s words at the press conference were concise and definitive. “I’m gonna be opening a crab leg shop—Jameis’ Famous Crab Legs! We’ll have the best crab legs in America and we’ll also be selling 60watt light bulbs.” Reactions from the
NFL community were swift. Some wondered why Winston would be opening anything related to crab legs after he was suspended briefly in college in 2014 for stealing crab legs. But Winston seemed to have no recollection of that incident. When Schefter asked about it at the press conference, Winston responded “My guy, I don’t even really know what you are referring to. But we are selling light bulbs too, Adam, so that should help you have some light to see while you are trying to steal another player’s medical records at night.” At press time, some sources close to Winston indicated he may be abandoning the crab leg restaurant after all, and would try to force his way back to playing this season so he could throw more interceptions. Also I love erectile disfunction
A Brief History of the Sports NBA Season So Far: By the Section of The Medium Numbers
BY AN INCOMPETENT WRITER
BY KEVIN DURANT'S FINE MONEY
In 1970, the first issue of this newspaper was published, then known as The Livingston Medium. Now in our 51st year, we at The Medium continue the tradition of making this newspaper and then placing it in various locations around the Rutgers University campus only for it to be thrown out by night staff janitors after no student takes a single copy. This page (the sports page) was first established in the 1980s. After gradually being phased out of the newspaper, it was added back in Spring 2014. For the last seven years, it has continued on to produce the lackluster sports content that “we” all love. "We" being in quotes, of course, because no one really reads this—so who loves it? The dates listed above (this page being formed in the ‘80s and coming back in ‘14) may not even be accurate. That is because I just pulled them off The Medium’s Wikipedia page, and that was the extent of my research. There was no source listed, so I’ll just assume it is right. I could check our paper archives to verify, but I am too lazy to do that. And what does that say about the status of this newspaper? The Sports Editor (me), the person who is supposed to be the authority on this page, is not even interested or hard working enough to check info about this page. And if I don’t care, who does? It really goes to show the quality that this newspaper has reached, considering I am on the staff and I really do not care at all. What is more surprising than that is that you made it this far into this article. I do not give a shit about writing this, so why are you even reading?
0
0
Games played so far by Kyrie Irving
Vaccines received so far by Bradley Beal, Michael Porter Jr., Johnathan Isaac, and a few others. All idiots just like Kyrie
70
69
Games Kevin Durant will be ejected from the rest of the season
One less than the number of games KD will be ejected from
420
1
A number less than the number of games that will be played in total this season
Game former Scarlet Knight Eugene Omoruyi has appeared in so far this season. Okay got my Rutgers reference in
Protecting Against Terrorism Most of the Time SINCE 1970