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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
December 8th, 2021
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ CARTER'S KD RATIO: 6.9
CARTER BACK AT IT AGAIN, KILLS BOB DOLE HARRY NUTTSACC IN THE WRINKED FLESH
A couple of months ago, former-President Bill Clinton found himself hospitalized with an apparent blood infection. It was soon revealed (fairly openly) by one of Jimmy Carter's Secret Service agents that Carter was fully responsible, having laid-inwaiting outside of Clinton's home for him to call his secretary outside (away from Hillary). Once he was alone, Clinton received a blow dart to the neck and ended up in the hospital. This same agent also told The Medium that Carter had been responsible for the deaths of H.W. and Reagan, as well, in an attempt to be the only living president. It seems that Carter's aspirations do not end at being the only living president and he may be trying to be the oldest retired politician alive today as the nation
heard the news of Bob Dole's death on Sunday. Dole, former Senate majority leader for the Republican party, was probably a really shitty person, having served under both Nixon and Reagan (fuck those guys). He may have attracted the attention of Carter when Dole attended the service for H.W. at the
Capitol's rotunda in 2018. Carter was present, of course, all serial killers love any opportunity to test their luck; I personally believe that the mere sight of a more ancient motherfucker sent Carter into a rage. One Methuselah is sure to be threatened by another, and it is Continued on Page 2
BRINGING THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT, ONE PRISONER AT A TIME
CIA FOUND TO TORTURE CAPTIVES WITH HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIES MICHAEL C. HAWKE HOLIDAYS ARE SHEER TORTURE
The nation has been in awe for the past week as whistleblower reports have come out from Washington that the C.I.A, who has been known to utilize waterboarding in interrogations, employed another unheard tactic that has been deemed as inhumane, with some suggesting it is even worse than waterboarding itself. According to the source, who wished to not be identified for their own safety, captives from Afghanistan that were being interrogated were forced to watch Christmas movies from the Hallmark Channel for lengthy periods of time, reportedly for as long as three days straight, with no time provided for rest. Captives had to watch only three
movies: Switch for Christmas, Alongside the use of Hallmark Journey Back for Christmas, and Christmas movie marathons, The Christmas Ornament. Continued on Page 2
Seeing Shitty Christmas Films Since 1970
QUICKIES
The Medium Is Now Too Broke To Be Printed On Actual Fucking Newspaper Entire Rutgers Student Body Drops Dead From Exhaustion US Olympic Boycott II: Electric Boogaloo DeBlasio Tells NYers to "Nut Up or Shut Up" About Vaccine First Robotic Porn Movie To Come Out On Jan. 2022 Kansas' IQ Sinks Following Death Of Bob Dole Race Horse, Medina Spirit, Drops Dead After Doing Fifth Speedball
the Medium
NEWS
"Sweep the leg, Johnny!"
THIS GERIATIC POLITICIAN IS UNSTOPPABLE! OH GOD OH FUCK understandable that Carter would lay in wait for an opportunity to finish the job. Dole passed on Sunday, allegedly due to old age (aka a pillow over the face, Carter still has some strength to him) but Dole's family refuses to comment on whether they found Carter standing over him, holding the pillow to his face. Classic Republicans, trying to cover up all the people the government kills. We have not been able to get a hold of Carter's Secret Service either, as the agent we previously corresponded with had been relocated to a mission in Baghdad where he perished after a car bomb went off next to him (the vanity
...continued from front
plate on the car read CARTER39). Now that Dole is out of the way, Carter will undoubtedly redirect his attention back to Clinton, as George W. will die of his chronic drug addiction soon and Carter could not possibly fight off Michelle like he did Nancy.
Wednesday, December 8th, 2021
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APPROVED BY ROGER EBERT! SOME CRUDE CHRISTMAS JOKE HERE torture methods also included playing Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” on repeat and force-feeding them fruitcake, fig pudding, and eggnog. Finally, it was also mentioned that agents had gone as far as dressing as Santa Claus during interrogations, complete with the white beard and white-tipped hat. Much of these unusual methods had been employed, coincidentally, right around the holiday season. As a result of the controversy surrounding this newfound information, the Senate is to reportedly begin a series of hearings, which are likely to start sometime next January.
EGGNOG
Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog EGGNOG: EGGNOG eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog, eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. Eggnog: eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog, eggnog, eggnog, eggnog, Eggnog eggnog eggnog Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog, eggnog, eggnog, eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. Eggnog, eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. Eggnog: eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. Eggnog, eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog; eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. Eggnog? Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog
EGGNOG
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eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog, eggnog! Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog, eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. Eggnog! Eggnog! Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog, eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog! Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog! Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog! Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog, eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog. Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog, eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog! Eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog eggnog
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, YOU FILTHY ANIMALS! THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHT AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARD ROOM
Editorial Staff Fall 2021
Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Quinlan Van Es
Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Personals Editor
Carlos Domenech Kelly Manniello Quinlan Van Es John Mahoney Kiran Subramanian Page A7 Editor Amit Ofek
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche
Doug Willig Kyle Sabin Carlos Domenech Quinlan Van Es 9 PM FInals
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to Bob Dole's Bob Dole.
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FEATURES
the Medium
“You wanna pickin' of my chicken?”
ONE LIST. AH AH AH
Top Ten Christmas-Themed Pornos I Would be Oozing to See By Spunky McGee
TWO LISTS. AH AH AH
How to Off(er) Yourself to Your Professor to Get an A on Your Final By PP Harding
Have you recently thought about trying to escape the reality that you are going to have to take finals by thinking of ways to off yourself? Well stop it, you silly goose. Instead, you can ace your exams by offing offering yourself to your professor. Follow my words to the next line. 1. Show up to Office Hours early and get naked and sit on the desk with a six-pack. Quick, get a six-pack, whether it be by alcohol or a sexy hot bod. Don’t worry about exposing yourself to your peers; it’s not like anyone else will show up anyway.
1. Frosty the Snowcock- In this flick, Frosty has two carrots. The bigger one is down below. 2. The Spunk- This festive Grinch parody shows that the heart isn’t the only thing that grows three times on Christmas Day. 3. It’s a Wonderful Cum- Every time a bell rings, an angel messes their pants. 4. The Polar Express Into Your Ass- Who's ready to take a magical 54 car-long dildo. 5. Home Alone- In this holiday fare, Kevin does what every guy would do if he found himself home alone: masturbate in the living room for 72 hours straight.
2. Offer your attention. I’m sure they’ve been an absolute asshole this semester because they’re just lonely after their spouse left them. Email them about how their day went, send words of affirmation, exchange letters as pen pals. You will surely get an A as well as a new friend for life. Their life because they’re fucking old, am I right? 3. Ask about their passions. Their simple pleasures. Their kinks, perhaps? Just raise your hand in the middle of class and be sure to take notes. I’m done writing this list now. All be well and merry and bite (me please). THREE LISTS. AH AH AH
Top 6 Gifts to Give Your Partner This Christmas By Someone Who Can’t Stop Quoting Brittany Broski
6. Nightmare Before Christmas XXX- This movie is a touching drama about when the condom breaks and all the pharmacies are closed so Sally can’t get plan B.
1. A personality, am I right? Just kidding, some people cannot be saved, even by the good graces of Jesus Christ.
7. Miracle on 69th Street- The miracle in the movie is that Santa can still get an erection.
2. A giant 10-inch pink silicone dildo with the flared base cut off, because what says holiday spirit like a little bit of sexual danger?
8. Cumprus- In this Krampus parody, you do want what’s in Cumprus’s sack. 9. Lust Actually- Nine intertwined couples' stories culminate into a massive orgy. 10. Holiday Affair- Need I say more? Ok, I will. This is about blowing dudes.
ONE MORE PITCH MEETING THIS WEDNESDAY IN THE LSC BOARD ROOM. ONE MORE CHANCE TO GET LAID BEFORE YOU GO BACK TO YOUR HOMETOWN AND ONLY HAVE WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CLASS TO CHOOSE FROM. HAPP HOLIDAYS, BIG DADDY.
3. Peepee poopoo. Just, so much peepee and poopoo. I know you’re into that, you little sexual deviant, you. 4. A High School Musical 3 CD, because I am already running out of ideas for gifts 3 gifts in. 5. A commissioned drawing of your boudoir portrait. Not a commissioned PHOTO, but a commissioned drawing of your boudoir portrait. Because you’re a campy girlboss uwu. 6. Drywall, because one of my editors just mentioned it. Maybe you can spice up your decor with this, I don’t fucking know.
7. Burger King foot lettuce, because the last thing you want in your Burger King burger is someone else's foot fungus. But as it turns out, that might be what you get.
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, December 8th, 2021
"The shit in my drawers has faithfully served the Opinions page for 106 weeks."
IT MIGHT BE THE VAN
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Finals Season, you ready to die?
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
I Wish People Stopped Thinking That I am a Child Predator BY MOE LESTER
"Yeah, fucking off me." Jake Joker Smiling, but dead inside
"No, fucking off me." Leslie Womanny Smiling, but dead inside
"Yeah, I'm ready." Dr. Salvador B. Mena His smile's genuine
PLEASE PICK ME, I CRAVE VALIDATION
Which is Better, a Dead Dad or an Abusive One? BY HARRY NUTTSAAC
Okay, so me and my friend keep having this argument (she insists it isn't an argument, but I say differently) where she insists that she had it worse off since her dad died but I say I had it worse off because my dad didn't. For context, her dad died when she was 11; he sounds like a pretty cool dude and a classic Italian dad: a big bear of a guy who gave his kids the occassional smack every once in a while. She's all whining and complaining because she had to spend so much of her adolescence with a single mom who didn't work and didn't make sure her three fucked-up daughters had therapy (she fucking needs it: abandonment issues). My dad, on the other hand, emotionally abused the shit out of my brother and I and left us with diagnosed PTSD (she says she has PTSD but mine has been diagnosed, so). He wasn't conservative with the smacking either, knocking me out once as a fun joke with his son. So, I wanna know what the fuck you guys think? Which do you think is worse (mine, right)? If you disagree with me, kindly do not write in to the paper because I will ignore it and won't acknowledge it whatsoever. I am right, she is wrong, pfffffbbbt. You suck, unnamed friend with a dead dad; my upbringing was much more traumatic than yours. I think the fact that I am writing this overly narcissistic piece and you are not should be enough proof that I came (hehe) out much more fucked up than you. Suck on my cock n' balls, your dad is dead.
Life has been tough for me. I am a very shy person and have a hard time talking to people. When I mentioned this, someone told me that I should try making friends with people younger than me. As a result, I typed into Google, ‘How to Excite 6-yearolds.’ Unfortunately, that caused the FBI to tap my phone and computer. Afterward, I decided that I should get a new ride so that some of those 6-year-olds would be interested in me. After looking through some local listings, I decided to pick out a nice van, after all, if things go right, I want to be able to drive all my new friends around. However, I decided that the color was not working for me, leading me to paint my new van white. Next, I looked at my local playground and saw that many 6-year-olds were able to be friends by sharing food. With this in mind, I put a sign on my white van that said free candy, thinking that it would attract some kids to come over. Now was the time to test my plan to make friends. I pulled out all the stops: I gave my white van an extra coating of paint, bought some footlongs from Subway because my friend Jared said that would bring kids to my van, and went to the playground. After a while, since no kids were coming to my van, I decided to try and talk to them. I got out of my van, wearing my best trench coat (it was a cold day) and approached one of the kids and offered him candy. Pretty soon, a bunch of parents started attacking me and a police officer arrested me. Now, I’m in jail, all for trying to make friends. COULD THE BUSSY SYSTEM GET ANY WORSE?
The Weekly Busch Rant: I Want to Raze Busch to the Fucking Ground BY KIRA AMETHYST
I leave for one (1) week, and this paper is so desperate for my writing that they write a fake Weekly Busch Rant by “Not Kira Amethyst,” and it was truly a disgrace to the glorious nuances of my, the real Kira Amethyst’s, writing. So, I have returned to close the semester out with a final Weekly Busch Rant, because I will be moving to literally anywhere but Busch for the spring semester. As I plan my long overdue escape, I have a proposal for you, dear reader. I propose that we take hundreds of boxes of matches and hundreds of cans of gasoline and we raze the entirety of Busch Campus to the fucking ground. I’m talking the Suites, Richard Weeks, the Allison Road Classrooms, the Dining Hall, all of it. Atop its ashes, we will build an extension of College Ave called University Blvd, and I know that Rutgers administration will be okay with this, because it’s the perfect excuse for an even shittier bus system. So, contact The Medium for a link to my change.org petition, because living here genuinely makes me want to kill myself. In conclusion, fuck Busch. Signed, the Medium writer willing to commit arson for the betterment of the student body.
Wednesday, December 8h, 2020
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ARTS
the Medium
“My Mom Stopped Lactating ten years ago” - Arts Man
GRAMMARLY AD - BY CIN DRARIUG
ARTS, ARTS, ARTS, ARTS!!! COME BRING ME YOUR ARTS! I WANT TO SEE YOUR ARTS. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. A BIG OLD BEAR - SHIT ON THE WALL
PLEASE. NEXT SEMESTER. PLEASE.
WEDNESDAY FROM 8PM 9PM LSC.
HULK'S MAN BRA - BY SUBMARINE MAN
AN ARTS EDITOR - BY THE ARTS
the Medium It's
How are you feeling in regards to your finals? (Dead, exhausted, I’m already hearing voices ) Did you get all the courses you signed up for? (No, because I am a freshman, and the evil seniors keep taking my classes. As a result, we need to build a wall around WebReg and keep the seniors out.) Is this the last Medium issue for the fall? (Unfortunately yes, but like my first orgy, it might have sucked but be happy for the experience.)
PERSONALS
"My paper staff seriously needs a sexual harrasment workshop"
Christmas
I got HIV and have to tell my Indian parents. What do I do? (Tell them that Lord Rama gave it to you and that Kashmir is a part of India) My therapist is being really weird. What do I do? (If you put a space in the right part, you’ll figure it out.)
If you had to start a rock band, what would it be called and who would be a part of it? (It would be called the Lesser-Known Presidents and feature Calvin What do you masturbate to? Coolidge on vocals, Rutherford B. Hayes as lead (Here is the list (not in or- guitarist, James K. Polk on der of preference): bass, and Grover CleveAnkles land on drums.) Megan Fox’s Earlobes What does the geese in PasJordan Peterson’s voice sion Puddle mean? Ewan McGregor (obvi) (Trudeau has launched his Boruto invasion of America.) Lloyd Garmadon The thought of Krystal Ball and Saagar Enjeti including me in their threesome Ben Shapiro’s Kippah Your mom My mom)
What do I do if a lover from my past keeps haunting me?
(You’re writing to The Medium. Your Melmen body pillow doesn’t count.)
Word of the Week: N. Man-Bra: A bra designed for a man with Dick Nipples Ex. What kind of man-bra are you looking for? I'm looking for a push-up man bra. Hey fuckwit. Come join The Medium. Meetings are held in the Livingston Student Center: Board Room or Room 109. Wednesdays @ 8pm If you don’t come I will hunt you down and eat your liver.
Time
Wednesday, December 6st, 2020
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
12/6: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
What’s it like being one of the Personals editors? (It’s great. The practice of writing this page is one of a circle. It’s a circle of me fucking myself. You see, I know every week that I have to write 16-24 funny questions and answers [funny being used in the vaguest set of terms] but every week I don’t write a goddamn thing until I am at the production meeting. So instead of taking my time and writing something clever. I instead have to shit out 16 bullshit questions and answers to fill this cursed blank page. This page is an every hungry beast that I must feed at all times. The best part is that I will not learn this lesson that I learn every week so I won’t write goddamn for next week until it’s too late.) How do I improve my Tinder game? (Get rid of the photo of you holding a fish. Also, say that you are a Sandernista.) What does the fox say? (Leave me alone man, I just want some peace and quiet.)
Eggnog Are you excited for winter break? (Of course I am, who wouldn’t be excited to leave this wonderful institution of higher learning to go back to whatever piece of shit small town or piss hole city that they originally came from.) What advice do you have to incoming transfer students? (1. Hairy balls are good. 2. Communism will never be successfully implemented. 3. Save 7 grand each year. 4.Buy a Martha Stewart cookbook. 5. Don’t.) What do I do if a lover from my past keeps haunting me? (You’re writing to The Medium. Your Melmen body pillow doesn’t count.)
Come join The Medium Meeting; unless you're a pussy. Pussy! Wednesdays @ 8pm Livingston Student Center Board Room or Room 109.
PAGE A7
Wednesday, December 8th, 2020
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the Medium
"Can you teach me french?"
I HATE THE GOVERNMOT TELLING ME HOW TO SPEL
My Run for President By: Oscar the Grouch
I recently read your piece about my colleague Big Bird running as the Democratic candidate and have decided to run for the Libertarian ticket. As a citizen, I cannot stand that the damn government tells me what to do with my trash. It’s my right as a citizen of Sesame Street to put my trash wherever I want to! Not to mention, the citizens of Sesame Street deserve to do whatever drugs they want. I frequently use marijuana, cocaine, heroin, and ecstasy, and I should be able to get high and pass out without the police arresting me. Not to mention, I should be able to drink unpasteurized milk and eat shit whenever I want to. As President, the first thing I would do is dissolve the EPA; them hippie fuckers have been after my trash since the Johnson Administration. Also, the Department of Education would be annihilated; we will learn from the trash itself. Lastly, I will abolish the Senate and House of Representatives and consult trash rats in all my decisions. Anyway, don’t be a slouch, vote Oscar the Grouch! OH JEW...
Hebrew Hammer Story By: Not me Worried that your kids won’t be able to watch a heartwarming Chanukah movie because the other kind of white people have taken over the world? Not to worry - film critics have found the best, most educational and definitely familyfriendly movie this holiday season for those little fruits from your groin: The Hebrew Hammer. With the top-notch acting, and totally realistic plot line, The Hebrew Hammer will definitely get you feeling some kind of way. Then your little kiddos can go to school and tell all the other children why Chanukah is really 8 inches- I mean nights long.
OH HI! I'VE BEEN WRITING THESE FOR A WHILE NOW AND THEY HAVEN'T BEEN WORKING. TURNS OUT NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN TEACHING ME FRENCH, CAUSING ME TO REMAIN FRENCH-LESS. SO THIS LAST ISSUE OF THE PAPER I WILL BE TRYING A NEW STRATEGY. I WILL ASK YOU TO COME TO THE MEDIUM MEETINGS NEXT YEAR. THATS IT. NO LANGUAGE REQUIREMENTS. NO AGE REQUIREMENTS. NO SEX REQUIREMENTS. NO BUYING ME BRAS FROM THE CHILDRENS PLACE REQUIREMENTS. JUST YOU, ME, THE PAPER AND SOME CANDLES. OH AND OF COURSE THE OTHER EDITORS, BUT THEY CAN JUST WATCH ON THE SIDE. SEE YOU NEXT SEMESTER - IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN ME (I KNOW I AM IN YOU) THEN SHOOT US AN EMAIL AT
themedium.submissions@gmail.com OR JUST START YELLING IN FRENCH ON BUSCH.
December 8th, 2021 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPORTS, penis, vagina, reproduction
NONE OF MY CO-EDITORS ARE READING THIS
THE SCARLET KNIGHT ON A BASKETBALL COURT. MAYBE HE IS READING THIS ARTICLE BY THE SPORTS EDITOR
None of my co-editors are reading this article. I know that because every week when we go through The Medium, and select which articles from each page need to get posted to social
media, all my other co-editors scratch their heads about the sports page. That is because they have not read any of the articles on this page, so they do not know what to pick. I am not particularly insulted that none of the other
editors read my page. I do not read their pages, so it is a fair trade I guess. One could argue that I need to fill up this page with better content, but I will argue that penis hairs are cool. So yeah. Blah, blah, blah. There is not even a print issue of the paper this week, this is only going to the online archive. So I will just put some more garbage crap here. I know not a single soul on earth gives a fuck what goes in this Rutgers satire newspaper. Therefore, I do not give a single fuck either. I literally could write the most vulgar shit in here. And it would not cause controversy. To cause controversy, people need to know this paper exists. And no one does. No one cares about this Rutgers student organization lmfao. We have like 8 active members at this paper. Such low involvment. So I do not fucking care what goes on the sports page. And I know none of my co-editors do either. Okay. Goodbye
0 - By the Numbers
Why Does The Medium Sports Page Exist? BY AN UNQUALIFIED AUTHOR
everyone. I am going to touch my own penis now, and then run for President of the United States. The reason that I am running for President of the United States is that I am very qualified. As someone who masturbates 1.77 times per day, I know the appropriate number of times to wank when our nation needs it. Anywho, to keep the fabric of this great paper and nation alive, I am now going to write a poem right now. Penis, yenis, genius, fetus. Keep us, leap it, bop it, Andrew Garfield. Okay friends and family. Now that you have been informed of my intentions and my poetry, it is the time of day to sing and dance and dream and eat and sleep and dab and vomit and sex and die and live and wonder and hope and yeet and weep and cry and hope that for the rest of time the hope to live and dream will continue so society can develop. Amen, good morning, good night.
BY WHO CARES ABOUT THE AUTHOR NAME
Why does The Medium sports page exist? I do not
know. I am the editor, writer, creator, and head of this page, and I could not tell you. The purpose is supposed to be used to satirize sports news, at Rutgers and nationally. Instead, I do not do that. This is the same fucking overused topic every week. I write about how the sports page of The Medium does not serve a purpose because I don’t put effort in, and how it doesn’t matter because no one reads it. But it is true. How many people on earth are reading this right now? My co-editors at The Medium do not read this. So why the fuck would I put effort in? I could just say fuck you to my co-editors right now, and they would not see. Fuck you Quinn. Fuck you Kelly. Fuck you Amit. Fuck you John. Fuck you Carlos. Fuck you Kyle. Fuck you Kiran. I bet you none of them even notice that. Anywho, I just need to fill this up with some more garbage. I am so confident no one is reading this right now, I will put my actual phone number. 732-675-9149. If you see this, text me “Cow goes Turtle. Moo moo yeet.” I truly believe I will get 0 texts saying that. Just need some more words here now. Idk why I am spending part of my time in college doing this fucking paper. But I am, so okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bob Dole, Roger Snole, Sex on a Pole. Jimmy Carter, dudes are Smarter, I’m a farter. Bye everyone. With love, erectile dysfunction
0
0
Percentage this article is related to sports
Number of people reading this article
0
0
Effort I am putting into writing this
Length of my penis in inches
0
0
Integer that before one
comes
Why has this newspaper existed SINCE 1970?
Integer that comes after negative one