This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 16th, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $6.99 PLEASE RETURN RUTGERS BUSES, I BEG YOU
RUTGERS BUSES MIGRATE TO FLORIDA FOR THE WINTER BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE PUBLIC TRANSIT USER
Amidst complaints from a vast number of Rutgers students about the college’s public transportation system, many have repeatedly begged the question: where did the buses go? After a brief investigation by the Medium, we have been able to uncover the truth: about 1/3rd of the Rutgers University bus fleet has reportedly flocked to Florida in order to escape the brutal Northeastern winter. Once this discovery was made, we briefly called Bus #4269 (aka Gus) of the LX line for a statement. “Look man, I know you poor bastards are freezing to death out there just waiting for us, and I’m kinda sorry about… nah I’m just kidding, I’m a bus, I don't give a shit at all about you flesh monkeys. That being said, that’s the reason
why we hauled ass all the way down here to Miami, my guy! Tell me, do you have the slightest idea as to what road salt does to our fucking organs? Practically kills them at the moment of contact… well after, say, ten years, but that isn’t the point! Now fuck off, lemme
get some sun!” As a result of the lack of buses, many Rutgers students have been forced to resolve to unorthodox measures in order to get around the Rutgers-New Brunswick campus. Aside from squeezing into the buses like Continued on Page 2
GOD, I COULD USE A THERAPY SESSION MYSELF
FAUCI SCHEDULES MORE THERAPY SESSIONS AFTER MASK MANDATES LIFTED BY BUCHE LARREST CUFFS ARE PRETTY LOOSE RN
Recently, Fauci was found scheduling more scheduling sessions. This comes after Democratic governors and mayors lift mask mandates or letting them expire. The Medium was able to grab a transcript of one of Fauci’s therapy sessions. Throughout the therapy session, Fauci claimed that he had nightmares of Senator Rand Paul laughing about lifting mask mandates and vaccine mandates and breaking lockdowns. The therapist continued to play devil’s advocate, asking why COVID mask mandates needed to be maintained given the decline in omnicron. Soon, Fauci was in tears. “My legacy, my future, down the
tubes. Soon, I’ll have to do gain of function research at the Wuhan laboratory.” The therapist started laughing. Fauci stared confused. Soon, the therapist took off his mask and revealed that he was in fact, Rand Paul!
Fauci went into convulsions. Rand Paul soon laughed in a maniacal way. “Doctor Fauci, I have converted the Dems against you. Murphy, Bowser, Newsom, they are all my minions and I plan to Continued on Page 2
Waiting An Hour For A Bus Since 1970
QUICKIES
February Found To Be The 'Chode Month' Of The Year Cocaine ODs Up 369% As Snowfall Hits East Coast I Just Needed To Write Some Random Bullshit Here, So Please Enjoy Medium Attempts To Cancel Itself Out Of Pure Spite Russian Soldiers Along Ukranian Border Reportedly Paying Rent Rapper Eminem Drops Contact Lenses At The End Of Superbowl Half Time Show Week Two Into Not Caring About The Olympics
the Medium
NEWS
Wednesday, February 16th, 2022
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
"Please rail me, Rutgers Bus-san."
STILL WAITING FOR A FUCKING BUS...
INSERT FAUCI JOKE HERE DESTROY MASK MANDATES, NO LONGER HAVE BUSINESSES REQUIRE VACCINES, AND MAKE SURE LOCKDOWNS NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!!” Fauci couldn’t take it no mo. In his thickest New York accent, screamed, “ RAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
INSERT WITTY BUS PUN HERE squeezing into the buses like sardines in a fucking can, other measures include hanging onto their sides and rooftops & sales of scarce spots within the buses. Furthermore, the few buses that are currently on duty have also complained about the conditions, with rumors of a strike being spread around the campus. Meanwhile, in regards to the college administration, no actions of any sort have been taken, which is par for the course. Edit: A day following our call to the buses in Miami, reports arrived from various sources that six Rutgers University buses were witnessed driving along north, with no drivers in the seats.
HE WAS A DEADBEAT ANYWAYS
DIVORCE RATES SPIKE IN RESPONSE TO SUPER BOWL RESULTS BY: ANITA MANDA HUGANKISS
The door of a 2007 Ford Focus slammed as Stacy Sheston and her two kids got ready to go to grandma’s house for a few days. Mike Sheston is one of many people preparing for inevitable divorce due to massive and non-concealable gambling
FOR REAL FAUCI, LEMME JOIN YOU
debts related to Super Bowl LVI. “I mean how could I not take those odds. Why doesn’t she get that I was doing it for us?,” Michael screamed. He is not the only one. Studies have shown that throughout February and early March, divorce rates increased
by as much as 17 percent. “We have trouble accommodating all of the custody hearing requests,” proclaimed an exasperated Middlesex County court clerk, who wished to remain anonymous. “And it’s not just men losing the house, I’ve seen plenty of women with bloodshot eyes and a cokedrip-sniffle, crouched down, trying to convince their children that Daddy is the one who’s breaking up the family” The courthouse was bustling with the wails and pleas of desperate gambling addicts vying for the ears of their exhausted and disappointed partners. We reached out to a bookie for their take on the issue. We let him know that he could remain anonymous, but he insisted we, “let everyone know that Julius is taking action from any failure father or manic mama”. Julius picked his teeth with an ornate ivory toothpick and continued, “Look, it’s not
AAAAAAAAAND PAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” The transcript ended with this. The Medium is unsure with the state of Senator Rand Paul and Dr. Anthony Fauci. We reached out to both offices, but have not received any word. Hopefully, the NIH and Wuhan Laboratory will be fine.
on me if some middlemanager steals their son’s Adderall and gets to thinking that they cracked the code on the over-under”. The rise in popularity of sites like DraftKings and Caesar’s Sportsbook have only worsened the issue. Reports are showing that five-plus digit single bet losses from sub-six figure income families are commonplace at this point. A quick drive through Woodbridge found nearly two dozen separate shaking forty-somethings unabashedly offering to suck dick for another chance to go against the spread. The on-site reporters for this paper refused to comment on whether or not they took the offer.
SO, IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE WRITING SOMETHING FOR THIS PAPER, GO AHEAD. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARD ROOM OR LSC ROOM 109
Editorial Staff
Spring 2022
Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Kiran Subramanaian Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium Human Resources H.R. Hickenbottom
News Editors Features Editor Opinions Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor
Carlos Domenech Kristina Patel Kyle Sabin Amit Ofek John Mahoney
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche
Doug Willig Kyle Sabin Carlos Domenech Jade Zack Again, Consumerism
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to... coats. It's fucking cold out, so bundle up my friends!
Wednesday, February 16th, 2022 themedium.submissions@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
" I am so tired, please disregard this.”
#TEEHEE
YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE
5 Ways To Break Up With Someone Post V-Day By: Hugh Janus
Now that Valentine’s Day is over and you didn’t want to be an asshole and break up with your significant other before the dreaded day. Here are 5 ways to break up with someone: 1. Next time you see them, just say “Stop it, you can’t picture your dad every time we have sex” REALLY LOUD. 2. Shove them onto an LX– they’ll get the hint that you actually hate their guts. 3. Block them on everything, even Venmo, without any explanation. If they ever confront you about it, just say that you fell in love with Helen Keller and because she couldn’t see or hear anything, she wanted you to live the same exact way. 4. If you couldn’t tell already, we really enjoy making fun of the Rutgers Missed Connections Instagram page. So, my next suggestion would be to write a short response such as the following “(insert name of significant other) bye”.
5 Holidays Better than Valentine’s By: Iam Singlé If you are sick and tired of the chocolate conglomerates and greeting card industry shoving their made up, bullshit holiday known as Valentine's day (also known as
5. Just get them food from RU Hungry. They’ll die of a heart attack on the spot, and you’ll get the chance to avoid the whole conversation.
YOU'RE GAY We Can Guess if You’re Gay Based on What Type of Dog You Have By: PP Harding & Harry Nuttsac
corporate sanctioned love day), there are other holidays that are worth celebrating more. These are just a few of the holidays out there. 1. Arbor Day: This grossly underrated holiday deserves more celebration. Instead of watching your money die or get eaten through roses and chocolates, plant a goddamn
1. Cavalier King Charles Spaniel
tree. Your theybies will appreciate their gender neutral parent’s great sacrifice. This holi-
You are the gayest creature to ever grace the Earth with your presence.
day gets 5 “How Dare You’s” out of 5 2. Canned Food Month: Since no one gives a fuck about charities (we’re talking to
You are an old queen who hasn’t taken a lover (a gay one of course) in years, not after that young pool boy, Raul, wasted your time. The only social
you frats, don’t get a social message). However, if you want to give the homeless shelter
interaction you have is your gossip group of other gay men who look to you
chronic high blood pressure, feel free to donate then, keeping in mind that you are not
as their queen and your dog, Pooky. Do you really need anything more than
Gandhi by donating a stale can of tuna. Also, to the RBS students, there is something
that?
called doing something for free. I know, wild concept. 3. National Cherry Day: For the fruit lovers, we got national cherry day. It is a great
2. Rottweiler You’re a gay man but you really don’t like to show it. On the outside,
holiday. Fuckboys can tie a cherry stem into a know. Athletes and rappers can spit some
you’re super tough and probably dress in leather (not the gay kind). On
seeds. Grandmas can make cherry pie and explain why the white sugar is better than
the inside, you want nothing more than to love a man intimately and be
the brown one. Also, cherry days is open to everyone, unlike Valentine’s Day is only
vulnerable for once in your life.
dedicated to popping cherries. 4. President’s Day: As a closeted history lover, this one is kinda important. In
3. Husky You are a gay man who is jogging around the streets of New York City
today’s dominant English and Sci ence societies, being interested in history is deemed
like you own them. They said that that dog needs a lot of activity and you
problematic. My parents told me it would only be a phase and sent me to history con-
spit in their motherfuckin faces. You need a dog that can keep up with YOU,
version camp, run by I Fucking Love Science. It was rough, we had to burn books and
dammit. You’re hot and you know it. Slay (respectfully).
sing scientology songs. Please, as a closeted history lover, keep the flame going like a
4. Komondor
Roosevelt Administration.
Super gay. You want to live vicariously through that dog by spending
5. National maple syrup day: get fucked I am this belong to the maple syrup folk now.
YOU FOUND US! WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED READING OUR PAPER. WE HAVE WOMEN WRITING ARTICLES! BUT ANYWAYS, YOU SHOULD JOIN US IN LSC ROOM 109 FOR OUR MEETING! HELEN KELLER MAY OR MAY NOT BE THERE.
all your nights mopping up cum yourself. Man cum. From a man. (Please do not cum on your dog) 5. Chihuahua You are a ratty twink, just like your dog. You’re the type of gay man to sit your girlies down on your couch covered in trash in your grimey-ass apartment with your nasty, yipping dog and spill the tea. 6. Basset Hound We know that you’re really fucking gay and really fucking desperate, so you picked out a dog for yourself that could smell dick cheese from a mile away. 7. German Shepherd Obligatory lesbian dog.
the Medium
OPINIONS
"Figure skating boys hit me up, my rinkussy is ready."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How did you celebrate Valentine's Day this year? "My mom took me out to Olive Garden, and I gorged myself on unlimited breadsticks." Italianx Guy Zuppa toscana stan
"I ate my best friend's girlfriend's pussy and it tasted like his cock. 10/10" Chadley Chadson Didn't get a Chi Psi bid "I ate my girlfriend's pussy and it tasted like my best friend's tongue. 10/10" Bradley Bradson Did get a Chi Psi bid, rejected it
RAWR XD
Oh, It's On, Baby BY TYRANNOSAURUS SEX
As some of you may know, there seems to be some controversy over who writes better stories: Kira Amethyst or I. Let me make one thing clear: that bitch has nothing on me. I am Tyrannosaurus Sex. Imagine trying to go up against a creature that has been alive for millions of years and still manages to get laid. Seems quite idiotic. And on top of that, some people believe that those ugly Weekly Busch Rants are better than my Rutgers Bus Rants. Well, let’s just say that I can do both better than Kira Amethyst. That’s right, I can do both. I hate Busch and the Rutgers bus system enough to write amazing articles on how much they both suck every week. I’ll even write one in the middle of my clapback at Kira Ame-bitch. I think it’s safe to say that Rutgers just likes buttfucking their students because trying to get from one campus to another is actual hell on Earth. The amount of times that I’ve almost been crushed by the crowd standing on the LX or the B bus makes me want to hurl myself into the Raritan. And apparently COVID doesn’t exist anymore because there’s definitely more than 39 persons on the bus during prime travel time. So yeah, fuck the buses and fuck them kids. Now back to the important things. What can I do? Write the best bus rants ever seen in the history of this newspaper. What can Kira Amethyst do? Eat shit.
Wednesday,February 16th, 2022
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
THE BOY IN QUESTION IS NATHAN CHEN
A Belated Valentine's Day Proposition BY KIRA AMETHYST
I recognize that this is being published on Wednesday, February 16th, two days after Valentine’s Day, but because I have such crippling anxiety that I redefined the DSM-5, the only way for me to confess my feelings for the boy who I have been in limerence over for the past eleven months is to put it into an article in this fucking satire newspaper which is only fucking published on Wednesdays. So. To the boy that I have been thinking about every hour of every day for the past eleven months: I have a proposition for you. Consider: you meet me outside Alexander Library. I’m wearing a purple silk bralette with the sides cut out so my gravity-defying sideboob is on full display for you. I’m not wearing panties. I’m naked from the waist down. You’re wearing the most milquetoast denim jacket over the white T-shirt you washed once in the past two years. It’s still stained with your cum from last night’s masturbation session. We link slightly moist arms and walk into Alexander. The person at the counter who checks student IDs sees my pubes spray-painted in Rutgers Red and lets us in. On the top floor, you pin me to a bookcase overflowing with books on sex psychology. You take your pants off. You lean it real close, your circumcised tip tickling my thighs, and whisper in my ear: "Amogus. Ligma. Candice. Sugondese." It would be the most exquisite of Valentine's Days. LOTS OF ITALIANX REP THIS WEEK SLAYYYY
Why Won't Men Have Sex With Me? BY PP HARDING
Why don’t men want to nibble on my juicy juicy ass? I put in all this work like showering and not ending my life and what do I get in return? A whole lotta nothing. My coochie is getting no love and every night I shout out to the heavens, “Why God? Why no coochie love??” With all this hate in the world, I have somehow united men of all ages, races, and socioeconomic backgrounds to agree to ghost me after asking me out on a date. Why no peen for my lady ween? I was going to say that I would walk down College Avenue naked, but I don’t want the frat boys to get me. I still have standards. Is THAT why I can’t get any? Because my standards are the bare minimum? I’m just so bored. Like it’s not like I have any friends so I need some company. I’m trying to find a playdate for my pussy. A curtain call for my cookie. I have to spend Valentine’s Day all alone with all of my empty holes but all I want is to be a material gworl. By material, I mean penis. Some skills that would make me a good candidate for sex: I have holes (like that movie with Shia LaBuff), I played saxophone for nine years, I can touch my toes (to my head uwu), and I can cook mac and cheese. If you are interested in the sexy times, please email me at themedium.submissions@gmail.com. (Please come and press my panini baby.)
Wednesday, February 16th, 2021
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
ARTS
"My Vision is Krystal Klear"
the Medium
SKETE-YE, THE TRUE ROMANCE - KANYE'S PR TEAM
SHIT ON THE WALL- THE MEDIUM
DOG TRIPPING ON ACID?- PP HARDING
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS, BUT I'M TEAM YE. SKETE CAN GO FIND A HOLE TO FALL INTO BECAUSE NO ONE WILL EVER BEAT KANYE'S GENIUS. IF YOU'RE TEAM SKETE, GO TAKE A WALK IN CAMDEN AT NIGHT. IF YOU'RE TEAM YE TOO, COME TO OUR NEXT MEETING! WED 109 LSC
PERSONALS
the Medium SOE
"My favorite ice scream hurts my ears."
Sucks
When I sent a letter to Why does the School of President Holloway’s Son- Engineering not have a in-Law he didn’t respond. career center? What’s up with that? (I had this question as (So the thing about President well so I went to the Holloway’s Son-in-Law is source of the problem, that he is a very busy man. the Chinese Communist It is hard work gargling Party. Crazy right? Who your father-in-law’s cock would have thought that underneath the dinner table the government of China every night. Answering fan was the one responsible letters is not exactly his for making all of SOE’s highest priority. The only students have to beg way I got in contact with random strangers on him is when I slipped him a Linkedin to give them cold one and took his place a chance at a shitty at the dinner table. We got engineering job. So that, in two words in until my mouth the future, if they graduate, was filled with smooth silky they could feel like they cum, but next time I hope to didn’t waste all their time finish an entire sentence. ) on this shitty degree that in Why do my feet smell so the end didn’t teach them all that much and put them bad? (Cause you won’t let me suck in so much debt that they’ll be paying it off until they them toes.) If I was a cute anime girl eventually kill themselves would you talk to me on the using a 3D printed jig that they designed during work. bus? The Chinese Communist (*UWU* No. Girls are Party did not respond to gross and have cooties.) any comments. So I can’t Can I lose my virginity to help you. But I can send myself? you an STL file of the jig.) (No. But good try.) I was in missedLast week you connections! What should recommended CNN for I do? watching otter porn, where (Print that shit on a poster can I find a mouse/dust mite and jackoff to it every night. This is the small amount of gangbang site? human connection you’ll (Hmm. Try foxnews.com.) have for a while.)
Word of the Week:
Shreking
v. A primal ritual involving onions, horses, swamps, and industrial quantities of black tar heroin. LETS GO BENGALS!!! WHOOO Oh, they lost?! Well, if you are into the Bengals and are used to being a loser you will fit right in to The Medium on Wed in the LSC board room.
Penis
How do I tie a noose? (You should ask your disappointed father.)
Wednesday, February 16th, 2022
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
2/16: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
Are you sure that the Jews aren’t up to something? (Yes, I really don’t know why you keep asking about this.) How is Mechanical Properties of Materials such a garbo trash class? (Imagine you are walking down a cave in the tropical rainforest. It’s nice and warm and you feel at peace with the world. Then you realize that you are hanging upside down in this cave, by your testicles/ pussy lips while being beaten by a stalactite. And after your privates give out and they rip, dropping you onto the cold wet floor you remember that you paid for this experience. That’s not why Mechanical Properties of Materials sucks so hard, but that sure is how it feels sometimes.) If I get turned on by a Tyrannosaurus Sex, am I still straight? (Well, I did, and I’m straight, so I think so.) How do you deal with internship rejections? (Prayer, meditation, charitable efforts, and autoerotic asphyxiation.)
Sponsored Add by r/WallStreetBets
Are you an elected official that struggles with stock buying? Do you try to keep it in a blind trust but have to peek open and see how you’re doing? If you face these problems, come on down to Socialized Rehab! Here, we will help you get out of your stock buying habits. For example, we teach you that if you hold a hearing about Rayethon and then buy stock from them, that’s bad. Also, blind trusts have to be blind, hence the name, blind trust. Some of our patients have reported withdrawal symptoms, which is normal for the process. For example, Dan Crenshaw (R-TX) was caught trying to buy Boeing off of Robinhood. Crenshaw started accusing us of being anti-Christian and said that Jesus is a figment of your imagination. From the other side, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has had some more severe withdrawal symptoms. For instance, she has been obsessed with Jon Ossof (D-GA) and frequently talks about him, stating that he is attacking the free market and that he wants to merge his soul with Justin Trudeau and Tucker Carlson. Anyway, for those who need to cleanse themselves of their insider trading habits, feel free to come down to Socialized Rehab. Funded by r/WallStreetBets.
Wednesday, February 16th, 2022
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
Ain't no one going to love you I Used to Have Threesomes and Now I Go to Bed Early By: Anita Manda Hugankiss "Oh fuck oh fuck oh mother of all fucks" I cry into the air on this fine night And think about how this transition sucks From the youth of youths to age's somber light I think back not so far to undergrad To wild times and unhinged life events I think about the chaos and get sad For lack of midnight, booty calls now sent My senior year a roomie's hookup walked Naked around the place for two days straight And now at all flirtations, I have balked For fear of departmental trists' poor fate I tell you Grad school is a fucking drag Its boredom and long hours make me gag
Why Do I Keep Doing This Shit Open Letter to Our HR Representative Dear H.R. Hickenbottom,
Please stop writing in the paper about all of the gross, sexy things we do in the privacy of our production room. When I made a t-shirt of P.P. Harding pegging me, I did that in confidence among friends (and P.P. Harding, who did not end up pegging me). Sure, all of your logs and complaints are valid, and sure, the more vulgar of us have driven out weaker, sexier potential-writers, but we don’t need to air our dirty laundry for our readers. Before we started up an HR Department, I felt safe to make inappropriate comments about my friends; now, this is an unsafe and unwelcoming environment. On behalf of Ben Dover, Michael C. Hawke, Moe Lester (though I don’t feel comfortable are Moe), Spunky McGee, and Jaque Merde, we request that you stop loosely holding us accountable. Signed, Harry Nuttsaac
PAGE A7
" Taiwan is the one true China "
the Medium
You Going to Die Alone
More Selected Excerpts from The Medium Human Resources File. By: Howard R. Hickenbottom When I first started printing excerpts of the HR file, I thought this would bring some change in a positive direction; but instead, I have faced constant harassment and threats from my fellow Medium members. Here are some more excerpts from the HR file. 56. Micheal C. Hawke keeps trying to hump the HR file. 34 PP Harding touched Harry Nuttsacc’s ass 79. When Harry Nuttsacc asked what my flavor of frozen yogurt was, I answered, “Your mothers twat” 80. I then referred to Harry Nuttsacc and me as “Tunnel Buddies” 81. I used the term “I used my tongue as Paul Bunyan on your mother's mound” to Harry Nuttsacc 13. Jaque Merde told me to suck his dick. 50. Harry Nuttsacc told me to suck him off 75. Jaque Merde used the phrase, “What’s up with the Jews”. 24, Ben Dover called PP Harding, “an Indian boy”
Come to a Medium Meeting; unless you're a pussy. Pussy! Wednesdays @ 8 p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room or Room 109.
February 16th, 2022 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPORTS and SUPER BOWL PENIS and CORONAVIRUS IS BACK and ELON MUSK IS HORNY
RU PRESIDENT JOHNATHAN HOLLOWAY PROCLAIMS SNOOP DOGG'S SUPER BOWL HALFTIME PERFORMANCE INFERIOR TO SHOW AT RUTGERS
SNOOP AND HOLLOWAY. WE PHOTOSHOPPED THEM HANGING OUT TOGETHER, SINCE IT LOOKS KINDA FUNNY BY DOGGY SNOOPY SNOOP
After viewing Sunday’s Super Bowl LVI halftime show, Rutgers University President Johnathan
Holloway controversially said that Snoop Dogg’s performance at Rutgers in October was far superior to his nationally televised halftime show. “Sure, what
Three Ways to Get Tickets to Sold Out Rutgers Basketball Games at Jersey Mike's Arena BY JERSEY MIKE’S CORPORATE SOUL
he did at SoFi Stadium in Los Angeles was cool, but Snoop’s performance at SHI Stadium on Busch Campus back in October truly was a careerdefining performance.” Holloway’s comments were surprising to hear, considering the quality of Snoop Dogg’s show at Rutgers. He arrived multiple hours late, performed for only about 40 minutes, and had strippers on stage with him (I guess that’s a positive). Upon being asked about Holloway’s comments at a post-Super Bowl press conference, Snoop Dogg appeared confused,and did not know what Rutgers University was. “SHI Stadium? Fuckters University? I don’t know what the hell that is.” Snoop Dogg continued to say that he was high throughout the entire month of November, so he does not remember
anything from that month (even though the concert took place during October, but oh well.) Reaction from the RU community was divisive. Bo McBobster, a SAS junior, said “I don’t even know who the fuck Snoop Dogg is. I don’t give a shit about the Super Bowl, and I don’t know what SHI Stadium is.” Kellen McKelly had a different perspective. “I don’t agree with Holloway, but only because both performances were amazing. Snoop was amazing at the Super Bowl, and at SHI Stadium. At his concert at Rutgers, I imagined myself marrying him. He was so beautiful.” At press time, no one could explain why one would want to marry Snoop. Holloway has yet to release a follow-up statement to his initial comments. He may be smoking too with Snoop Dogg, who knows.
James Harden/Ben Simmons Trade: By the Numbers BY DARYL MOREY’S CONSCIOUS
College hoops season is in full swing, with March Madness coming up next month. The Rutgers Scarlet Knights Men’s Basketball team is in the thick of things, vying for a second consecutive NCAA tournament berth. However, the popularity of the team can often cause issues for students trying to obtain free student tickets for home games at Jersey Mike’s Arena. Student ticket claims for games can often run out in minutes, leaving those who want to attend emptyhanded. At The Medium, we want that issue to exist no more. Here are ten different ways to get tickets to a sold-out Rutgers Basketball game. 1. Break into the RU Ticket Office at night, and steal some paper tickets (they still work just as well as E-tickets!) If you get caught, just don’t say you were told to do this by The Medium, because we don’t want to lose our RUSA funding. 2. Try flashing your genitals at the entrance when they ask for your ticket. If the usher thinks your genitals look nice, you will probably get in! Be careful, because if they do not like your genitals, you will likely get arrested and filed as a predator. 3. Bring one hundred Jersey Mike’s footlong subs to the game. The usher may refuse to let you in, but that is okay. Bringing that many subs will cause the corporate soul of Jersey Mike’s to rise from the ashes and come in human form right to the entrance of Jersey Mike’s Arena. You will be let in and thought of highly in the thoughts of Jersey Mike's Franchise Systems Inc. executives.
0
1 million
Percentage happy James Harden will be until he is teammates with Lil Baby
Jokes I can think of about Ben Simmons right now
0
1
People who care that Paul Millsap was included in the trade
Noob fan who mistook Seth Curry getting traded to the Nets as Steph Curry
420
69
Something about Daryl Morey smoking weed or something funny idk
Oozing Out Various Liquids SINCE 1970
The sex number