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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 2nd, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $9.69 INSERT M&M RELATED SEX JOKE HERE
MARS INC. TO BEGIN RELEASING M&M PORN
BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE MELTING M&MS IN MY MOUTH
In a sudden turn of course by the Mars Incorporation, an announcement has been made by the prominent food manufacturer that they would be reversing their decision to ‘desexualize’ the anthropomorphic characters within their M&M commercials, and would instead choose to create more ‘sensual’ commercials. The logic behind this drastic change was explained over a phone interview we held with Mars CEO Grant F. Reid: “Me and the rest of the board were on a four-day bender when we came up with the idea. Now right before we dried out, we thought to ourselves, wait, why are we making these M&M characters into lifeless forms? Who’s going to want to purchase our cavitycausing product if there’s absolutely
no sex appeal? Why don’t we just appeal to the baser instincts of our customers and produce porn out of the fuckers, I mean sex still sells in this day and age, doesn’t it?” As a result of this new decision, Mars has begun to rapidly contract
and hire a wide array of artistic talent from around the world, with many of these artists coming from Japan. When we asked one of the animators regarding their opinion about this drastic marketing change, they had this to say, “You know, I always hoped I Continued on Page 2
THE NEXT SUPERFUND SITE
THIS JUST IN: DEMAREST HALL STINKS! BY BEN CUM NOT GOOD, NOT TERRIBLE
Have you noticed a sulfurlike smell while walking down College Avenue, especially in the Bishop Quads area? Don’t worry, you’re not schizophrenic, there really is an egg smell emanating from the area, and it's coming from Demarest Hall. Demarest Hall is a special interest dorm, which basically means only freaks live there. I wouldn’t recommend visiting: if you are not one of “them” and you enter the building they release a tiny old Italian woman who starts beating you with a broom and mumbling angrily in her native tongue until you leave. There is also a free speech issue, I’ve heard rumors that concepts such as “The
Marvel Cinematic Universe”, “Busch” and “Heterosexuality” are barred from being discussed. I’ve also heard that residents have “Eyes Wide Shut”-esque sex parties (orgies) with each other where the inclusion of food is not only allowed, but ENCOURAGED! Essentially,
this building is an affront to God and all of his creations. Why does it smell you ask? The artsy fartsy students there refuse to shower as they claim it stunts their creativity: “Asking an artist to take a shower is like asking Continued on Page 2
Beating Off To Sweets Since 1970
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UK Prime Minister Sincerely Sorry For Party Rocking Entirety of Northeast Gets Coated In Thick White Stuff McMinn County, TN, Forgets Holocaust Took Place Class Prices Rise 300% Due to High Demand Price of Everything Rises 9000% Due To BS
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"Gimme that M&M bandonkadonk!"
INSERT ANOTHER M&M PUN HERE FUCK THIS, PUNS ARE OVERRATED could make a decent living off of my work, but I never figured I’d be making porn for a chocolate company, of all places. As strange as some people may think it is, me and the rest of the team just love it! We already have at least five advertisements drawn up, with half of them consisting of the Green M&M being eaten out by a giant tongue. It’s really brilliant stuff! The kids are gonna love it!” One of the advertisements we were allowed to witness consisted of a 30 second clip of the Brown M&M receiving oral pleasure from the Green M&M, with the Brown M&M in question moaning in a blatantly sexual manner, screaming, “YES! YES!
DEMAREST: HOME TO 50 NEW DISEASES
...continued from front
RIGHT THERE! PLEASE!” The advertisements in question are expected to be out to the public by summer of this year, with many waiting in great anticipation.
OH GOD DEMAREST HALL OH FUCK ...continued from front a fireman to put out a fire, it just with 1950s era asbestos (learned that doesn't make sense!” Said Oog the hard way), and we can’t evict Béyne, a sophomore who lives on the residents because they already the second floor. Thankfully, my paid their housing tuition… so I Medium press pass got me past the guess the only solution is to wear old woman and I was allowed to a hazmat suit whenever you’re wander the halls. I was shocked to on college ave. If you surprisingly find feces and urine smeared along don’t already own one, check out the walls, blood stains on the floors http//www.mediummerch.gov and semen dripping from the for an official Medium™ hazmat ceilings. It made me grateful that suit! my father physically forced me to attend business school instead of following my dreams of studying the oboe at Mason Gross. I won’t lie, the smell is rancid and the “people” are disgusting. What is the solution to this problem you ask? Well, we can't burn the building down, as its walls are filled
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA
38% approval rating. As a result, the Biden Administration has decided to “exterminate” Harris. This was not an easy BY: NARIK NAINAMARBUS decision. Biden himself was hoping to just send Harris to the Supreme Court hoping that she would wither away and be out of the public eye. However, the Senate is unlikely to confirm the Wish version of Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker. Many thought this would be due to Senator Manchin (D-WV) and Kyrsten Sinema (D-AZ) blocking this historic nomination. However, new reports indicate that every Senator would rather sell all their stocks and ban insider trading before appointing Harris to the Supreme Court. Recent reports leaked normative languaging. As a Now, Biden’s hitmx have to the public that the result, the Biden Administration been facing trouble with offing Biden Administration has decided to change the term to Haris due to the restrictions set hired many hitmen for hitmx. by the Biden Administration. “extermination” purposes. Anyway, the Biden “It’s just awful. We can’t use However, many were upset Administration is not happy guns because of the Assault at the term hitmen as they with Harris’ performance. Weapons Ban. We can’t get sway it as a symbol for male Recent reports show that within 6 feet of her due to social supremacy and cis-hetero Kamala Harris has a measly
BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HIRES A HITMEN TARGETING KAMALA HARRIS
distancing. We can’t use plastic bags or garbage bags because it's not environmentally conscious. Lastly, if we even choose to hire some help, Biden wants them to be a Pansexual, Black, Muslim, Female with Ricketts because of diversity and to ‘fight the meritocracy’.” says one hitmx that did not want to be named. The Medium reached out to Kamala Harris regarding these allegations. She sent us a can of Joker toxin and said that the rumors were Fox News propaganda. However, recent reports showed that she has hired a food taster.
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“I want Daddy Holloway to spank me.”
#BROWERHOUR
PLEASE SIT ON MY FACE
10 Places to Eat at When Absolutely Trashed By Dixie Normus
1. Brower Commons: Grab some exquisite sushi to go along with your cheap beer. 2. RU Hungry: If you are the type of person who wants diabetes in one bite at any point in your life, even if you’re not completely wasted, please eat at RU Hungry. Your doctor will thank you for your increased visits. 3. Daniels Pizza: Sushi and pizza in one place? Sign me up. That’s not suspicious at all. 4. Hansel and Griddle: It’s just food, it's edible. 5. Any Frat House: There’s an added challenge here- you have to get a frat guy to make you food. He’ll probably make you a grilled cheese and those slap all the time. 6. Honeygrow: Eh, it's okay. It’s overrated but you’ll learn to enjoy it, I guess. 7. Scarlet Pub: Who needs food when you could have more drinks? 8. Your mom’s house: Go get a nice homecooked meal! No, I don’t mean that as a joke. But you might not want to go home if you’re plastered. 9. Stuff Yer Face: After killing your liver, kill your stomach with a giant pretzel with weird curdled cheese and maybe even a stromboli. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. You could have shit coming out of your mouth and your ass at once. 10. My Ass: hahaha, oopsy poopsy part 2. Just do it, not sponsored by Nike but I wish it was. We need money. Please consider donating.
YOU FOUND US ON THE INTERNET! CONGRATS! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! IT MEANS NOW YOU GET THE SECRET MESSAGE TO JOIN US IN LSC ROOM 109 FOR OUR SECRET SEXY MEETING! IF YOU COME WE'LL SPANK YOU ;)
The Long-Awaited Return of Rutgers Missed Connections By Shirley Itsaboobjob
Rutgers Missed Connections is now back in action after the winter break. No longer will you sit at home wondering, “I wonder how most people make their first move on complete strangers on the internet”. Now you have an Instagram page that will give you all the tips and tricks necessary to pick up a date. Greetings such as “please sit on my face”, or “I’d let you rail me in front of my bf/gf” and, a Rutgers’ personal favorite, “Pls daddy Holloway, I’ve been a bad girl,” are a sure way to get their attention. For yet another semester, you will be able to see other people find their soulmates while you feel sorry for your pathetic single self. Welcome back Rutgers Missed Connections, we missed you. OOOOOOOPSY POOOOOOPSY
Should You Start A Fire In Your Next Lecture? By Harry Nuttsaac
1. Do you like the class? A. Yeah, it’s my favorite class this semester. B. Eh, it’s ok. C. The professor can suck my chode. 2. Have you considered starting a fire in this class before? A. No! I’m not an arsonist! B. Yeah, but I’m not gonna do some crazy shit like that. C. Yes. I just need an excuse. 3. Do you have any reason to set the place on fire? A. I shitted my pants very loudly during our last class. B. I shitted my pants very loudly during our last class. C. I shitted my pants very loudly during our last class. If you got mostly… A’s: I know you like this class, but you did shit your pants very loudly during your last class. B’s: Here’s your excuse: shitting your pants very loudly. C’s: Shit your pants and burn the place down.
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"I give 'em different names, Mary Kate and Ashley"
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What is the best way to deep-clean my ushy gushy vulva? "With some fucking soap bitch. Duh." Local Science Person Wants you to get the vaccine too
"With my tongue, babygirl. Sit on my face and I'll get you squeaky clean." Chad Chadson Micropenis-haver "Just throw the whole pussy out. The money needed to take care of it is not worth it." Animal Shelter Owner Gets so much pussy like ho
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP
I Shit Myself on a Rutgers Bus
GIMME THAT CHOCOLATUSSY
We Should Normalize Candy Sexualization BY NOT TUCKER CARLSON
In other news, we have to report on the greatest threat to western civilization. No, not Russia, China, or ISIS. No, the greatest threat is the removal of the stilettos from the Green M&M. I am personally affected by this matter. The Green M&M was my first love. When I saw her on TV, I became rock hard. Afterward, I would often excuse myself to my room and just go to town with the image of her stilettos in my mind, crushing my fingers and walking all over me. Soon, much of my money was spent on M&Ms packets, which I would open and stick my penis in. If I closed my eyes, it was almost like my dick was penetrating through her hard shell and getting into the thick creamy parts. Eventually, at dinner, after finishing our Swanson’s frozen dinner, my mom noticed that the M&M packet that I brought home was very sticky. Afraid of her response, I told her that some immigrants shanked me and proceeded to use their migrant powers to make all my M&Ms sticky. After hearing this powerful personal tale, I now present to you, the readers, who is behind all of this. The answer: the Biden administration and the entire deep state establishment. This is what Biden’s America is, one where we don’t have the freedom to have sexual thoughts about M&Ms. This is not what Jesus would have wanted and the establishment is trying to get rid of my green, chocolaty, sexy tradwife.
BY SCOTT BAKER
I got onto a bus Monday evening and it was catastrophic. I had three LXs pass me up before I could even get onto this one. We were packed into this bus like fucking sardines, and once we were packed all nice and tight, the driver decided to take a break at the Livi Student Center. Soon after, my stomach started to gurgle in a very discomforting way. I was praying that the driver would come back soon and hurry us up on our way to College Ave because there was no way I was gonna worm my way through all these people. A half-hour passed before the driver got back on the bus (of course, that means that we didn't get moving for yet another ten minutes). As soon as we were on Route 18, I remembered rush hour traffic. This was something that I didn't have to worry about in so fucking long and seeing cars backed up made my stomach curdle (something was definitely curdling in there). I would've been doing a fucking potty dance if there was enough space to move around. By the time the bus was within sight of the College Ave off-ramp, I had already loaded my drawers. It wasn't solid, it was like chunky chocolate milk running down my leg. You better believe it stunk, too. Everyone knew instantly it was me and I have never been more embarrassed in my entire life. The only benefit was that I got a little more space as people moved away from the dude dripping shit down his leg.
HAHA CUM I GUESS
Why Do I Have Responsibilities Now? BY KIRA AMETHYST
Hello everybody, Kira Amethyst here. The whole 2 of you that read The Medium last semester may remember me and my Weekly Busch Rants, which I know for a fact were the best pieces of literature that the Opinions page has ever fucking seen. So naturally, I am now your lovely Opinions Editor. Worship at my altar bitches. However, what I failed to anticipate was the sheer amount of tedious work that this position requires of me. Instead of sitting on my ass in a spinny chair and bothering our Editor-in-Chief for two and a half hours before getting a ride back to B*sch from the former Opinions Editor (who is staring over my shoulder like a fucking hawk help me please), I have to actually put effort into this paper. My skinny estrogen-serving self should not have to do this, for I deserve nothing less than complete and total pampering. They should type this Opinions piece that I have to do because everyone else is lazy. They should buy me food. They should suckle on my toes until the calluses are all gone and I cum so hard I see stars. God I love astrology. I can feel my mental state deteriorating please help me I’m in my Sports Editor era and I can’t see the other side.
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"There is a new A7 boss in town motherfuckers."
Enjoy Some Of This Funny Good Shit
Chronicles of The Rutgers Buses: Weekend 2 Edition By: Tyrannosaurus Sex
Shit y'all. If you thought my experience on the EE was bad, just wait until you hear about the Weekend 2. Sunday night, around 9:40, I got on one of the scariest bus rides ever. First of all, before I even got onto the bus, the driver drove into the fucking curve– so much that there were SPARKS COMING OFF OF THE BUS. But then, being the chronically depressed idiot that I am, I decided to hop on board this bus all the way to Busch. My second mistake: who the actual fuck WANTS to go to Busch. That shit’s ass. So here I am, on the worst campus ever, about to get stranded because the Rutgers bus drivers have a death wish and are willing to commit. I honestly don’t know which is worse: Weekend 2 or the EE. Sike! Obviously it’s the EE– that bus can go rot in the depths of hell with Busch and Ronald Reagan. Well, that’s all for this week’s bus rant (so much better than those Busch rants right? I mean, I even included a Busch rant in this).
Haiku For Me and You
A Big Dick Poem By: Mike Oxlong
This is a big dick It is very very very very huge Thank stepdad
PAGE A7
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New Semester New Me (Same Problems)
Selected Complaints From The Medium Human Resources File By HR Director- Howard R. Hickenbottom Being the HR Director of The Medium is a thankless job. Here are some selected complaints from the HR files to demonstrate what I have to deal with on an average day. 37. Jaque Merde asked Ben Dover, “How is this penis?” 45. Harry Nuttsacc told Ben Dover about sexual assault “That’s what we are all about.” 12. Micheal C. Hawk told Moe Lester, “I’m going to stab you with that pen later.” 4. Spunky McGee called PP Harding “A little Mexican boy.” 25. Harry Nuttsacc called Ben Dover a “Needy Twink." 27. Icky Vicky told Penelope P. Uzzy, “I will fucking shoot you.” 13. Moe Lester wanted to whitewash the monkey logo
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SPORTS is this page, but fuck in-person classes, I want to go back online
ADAM SCHEFTER KIDNAPPED BY TOM BRADY’S SECURITY TEAM FOLLOWING BREAKING BRADY RETIREMENT STORY TOO EARLY
ADAM SCHEFTER BEING HELD CAPTIVE. AND BEHIND BARS TOO. MAYBE BRADY'S SECURITY TEAM PUT HIM IN JAIL, WHO KNOWS BY NOT THOMAS EDWARD PATRICK BRADY JR.
This past Saturday, ESPN reporter Adam Schefter reported that future Hall of Fame Quarterback and childkisser Tom Brady would be
announcing his retirement from the NFL following 22 seasons. Jeff Darlington also reported along with Schefter, but no one knows who the fuck Darlington is. Initially following
Schefter and Darling Boy’s report, tributes came in from around the NFL community, congratulating Brady on his career. But then murmurs began coming in that Brady wasn’t actually retiring. Brady’s father, Tom Sr., said that his son was still deciding on whether or not he would play next season. Brady’s agent also said he had not made a final decision yet. For the mainstream media, the reporting stopped there. But in a story exclusive to The Medium, what happened next was shocking. Tom Brady was actually fuming that Schefter released the story that he was retiring to the public, as Brady wanted to announce his retirement himself. In a fit of rage, the seven-time Super Bowl champion had his personal security team kidnap Schefter. Brady did not release any public statement on the matter, and did not disclose
a wanted ransom amount. At press time, no one really cared that Schefter was gone, even his own family. Therefore, he will probably remain kidnapped for the rest of time. Response to the news of Schefter’s kidnapping was not notable, as no one cared enough to give a quote or make a statement. Therefore, we at The Medium will just make some quotes up. “Wow, Schefter is gone, so sad. Maybe I will cry, but probably not” said Robert McRobert. Maggie McMagster had similar thoughts, saying “Yeah, um, okay, Adam Schefter kidnapped? Okay, sounds cool.” With Adam Schefter gone forever, living God and eternal genius Stephen A Smith will likely take over as ESPN’s top breaking news reporter. There is space for an extra paragraph here so penis penis penis penis penis penis
13 Reasons Why You Should Not RU Athletics Winter Update: By the Numbers Watch the Super Bowl
BY THE GREATEST AUTHOR OF ALL-TIME
BY BAH BAH BLACK SHEEP
Super Bowl LVI is coming up on February 13, with the Cincinnati Bengals facing off against the Los Angeles Rams. 100 million fucking people are going to watch the big game, but you shouldn’t be one of them. Here’s 13 reasons to not watch the Super Bowl: 1. Joe Burrow is way cooler than you. Not watching allows you to avoid feeling inferior. 2. Sean McVay screams too much. He seems too intense. You don’t want to see that on your TV. 3. Matthew Stafford is really old. Like almost 40. My God. Definitely no reason to want to watch an old person. 4. 20 5. There’s always at least one controversial commercial. Don’t risk seeing that one commercial, man. It’s not worth it. 6. 9 7. Odell Beckham Jr, bruh. Fuck that guy. You don’t want to see him try to have sex with the kicking net on live TV. 8. Cooper Kupp’s beard looks really bad. 9. Ja’Marr Chase is too fast. If you watch, he could break your TV by going so fast he will break through the screen. 10. A lot of the items on this list don’t make sense but I am just trying to get to 13 things total. 11. Mary J. Blige is going to be performing at the halftime show apparently. I don’t know who that is, but she sounds boring. So don’t watch her. 12. Municipal Bond Masturbation 13. Number 12 is the most important reason on this list 14. And here is number 14 to make the title wrong
0
0
% chance the Men’s basketball team will make March Madness
% chance the Women’s basketball team will make March Madness
0
0
People who were aware Rutgers wrestling season is happening right now
People actually reading this article right now
0
69
Good jokes in this By the Numbers article so far
The sex number
Not Committing Assault or Anything like that SINCE 1970