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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 23rd, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $6.99 HONK HONK MOTHERFUCKERS
CANANDIAN GOV'T DEPLOYS TACTICAL GEESE IN OTTAWA BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE SHITTING MY PANTS
Within the past three weeks, significant protesting has taken place within the Canadian capital city of Ottawa, where right wing protesters have strongly voiced their opposition to measures imposed by the federal government in response to the COVID-19 pandemic, including a vaccine mandate required for truckers to cross the US-Canadian border. Aside from the city of Ottawa, many similar protests had also popped up in Canada, most notably on the Ambassador Bridge, a major supply route from Michigan to Ontario. Much of these protests had been broken up within the past few days, with protests in Ottawa being the exception. Many have speculated that this is due to the Ottawa Police Department being a bunch of fucking pussies,
alongside Ontarian Premier Doug Ford’s own willful inaction. In response to the worsening situation, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau invoked the Emergencies Act, giving the Canadian federal gov’t temporary powers, allowing them to confront the protests in
a more direct manner. With the invocation of the Emergencies Act, the Canadian government immediately employed the use of the RCMP’s infamous tactical geese squads within Ottawa. Officially known as the Waterfowl Riot Team (WRTs), the unit was Continued on Page 2
WAS NICE KNOWING Y'ALL, MOTHERFUCKERS
THE MEDIUM IS CANCELED BY BEN CUM NOW OUT OF A JOB
Well, it finally happened, the Medium was canceled. I can’t say I’m shocked, I’m honestly more surprised at how long it took. Who finally did us in? The Former Yugoslav Students Union. They had an issue with our recent article “I Hate the Former Republic of Yugoslavia '' and contacted The New York Times. You’ve probably read the hit piece by now. These so called professional journalists dug up thirty years of offenses, including the September 2001 article “Three Reasons Why Terrorism is Good”, the August 2009 opinion piece “I Don’t Care That You’re Homeless and Can’t Feed Your Family” and the November 2016 article, “thank god our guy won!”. They
also uncovered the information that we’ve secretly been receiving funding from Breitbart and PragerU. The New York Times article has really picked up some speed in the past week. By now you’ve probably heard about us
from multiple media sources. Tucker Carlson dedicated a time slot to defending us and critiquing modern universities. We are still expecting an apology from James Corden, burning a copy of the paper and staring into the camera Continued on Page 2
Getting Our Eyes Pecked Out Since 1970
QUICKIES
Coronavirus Catches Queen Of England Rutgers Student Body Fucked Hard By Rutgers Buses (Again) WW3 Delayed By Two More Weeks Local Man Actually Makes Good Cup of Instant Coffee Xenomorphs Found To Give Immaculate Head Putin Declares Ukraine As A Superspreader Site, Says It Must Be Wiped Off The Fucking Map NYT Comes Out With Analog Version Of Wordle: Crosswordle Henry’s To Open In At Least Five Centuries
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NEWS
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2022
"Please rail me, Goose-san, I beg you!"
CURRENTLY GETTING MY EYES PECKED OUT
WAS REALLY A NICE RUN, BOYS INSERT CANCELED PUN HERE while wishing death on our families was a step too far. In Rogans latest episode he asked Jamie to pull up our website as he discussed the importance of freedom of speech at colleges and how we shouldn't trust the vaccine. We've gotten hate mail from people all around the world, Morristown, Patterson and even Atlantic City! We like to think all press is good press. We may be canceled but Holloway has put his foot down, insisting we still be published. Thank you Jonathan Holloway for all that you’ve done for us. Every morning when I wake up I write a three page note expressing gratitude for you and
INSERT WITTY GOOSE PUN HERE established during the 1970s as an experimental form of riot control. Many of those in Ottawa confronting the tactical geese squads have reported that the units in question are highly ferocious. According to a witness, who wished to remain anonymous, “Those fuckers have almost no hesitation when it comes to using force. They just peck people right in the fucking eyes! I swear to God, I saw three of my buddies get blinded by those goddamn geese. It’s fucking horrifying.” When we asked the WRT for any comments regarding their actions in Ottawa, we got a single response: “Honk.”
ABOUT FUCKING TIME
RUSSIA TO INVADE UKRAINE 2/26 13:54 EET BY: HARRY NUTTSACC FREEZING MY DICK OFF
As tensions continue to rise between Chad Ukraine and Beta Russia, The Medium has been enlightened with information regarding the impending invasion. For those who have not been following the news since 1991, Ukraine was a former member of
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the Soviet Union and was one of the last countries to leave. Within the following decades, Western powers expressed interest in allying with Ukraine; after Putin was fairly elected President of Russia, Russia began pursuing Ukraine like your grandpa pursues the
nursing students responsible for sponge bathing his balls. Just like that poor nurse, Ukraine is not about it and just wants to do their shit. In the past month, the Ukraine-Russian border continues to become more militarized with occasional skirmishes occurring. The globe has been glued to it (except when they're watching the Olympics, we love faux global peace) and waiting for Russia to grow some balls and just do it already. Experts in the field have been trying to estimate and make educated guesses about when war will break out. The Medium is proud to say that we do know exactly when Russia plans to make their move on Ukraine and fill her with their seamen (pretty stupid move considering the country only touches the Black Sea, a land approach would be much more efficient). We have been informed that Russia will be invading Ukraine on
your existence/presence in my life. I really don’t know what I would do without you, I would probably be dead in a ditch in Trenton, New Jersey right now.
February 26th at 13:54 EET, although we do not have any more specific information than that. Since we have this information that we know for sure is right, we expect to be investigated by the CIA, the FBI, and the Kremlin, we figure that we should disclose our source here so we don't need to answer any emails. The Medium reached out to a reliable source that we have often used to write articles about events that haven't occurred yet (that way, we don't need to do any actual reporting). This source has asked to remain unnamed, but we're gonna out her to save our own asses. Our source, who knew about the invasion of Ukraine down to the minute, is Theresa Caputo, the Long Island Medium.
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT THIS? GO ON, SEND SOME SHIT, MAN. THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARD ROOM OR LSC ROOM 109
Editorial Staff
Spring 2022
Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Kiran Subramanaian Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium Human Resources H.R. Hickenbottom
News Editors Features Editor Opinions Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor
Carlos Domenech Kristina Patel Kyle Sabin Amit Ofek John Mahoney
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche
Doug Willig Kyle Sabin Carlos Domenech Jade Zack A Literal Douche
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to geese. God I fucking love geese. Don't you? They're just marvelous creatures, aren't they? (pleasehelpmeabuschgooseispointingagunatme)
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FEATURES
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“peepeepoopoo”
STREAM DONDA 2
I LOVE PASTA
Which Pasta Type Are You?
By: Someone Who Knows Nothing About Astrology Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): You’re cauliflower gnocchi from Trader Joe’s. You basic bitch. Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): You’re bow tie pasta. You are an actual fucking child. Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): You are angel hair! You’re the wanna be spaghetti. No one really likes angel hair, so I hate to break it to you, but no one likes you. Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): You are orzo! You really only work well in soups and I randomly assigned orzo to Cancers because I have no clue what I’m doing. Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): You are fusilli! You are not only used with sauces but also pasta salads, ew. I wouldn’t be too proud of that, to be honest. Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): You are lasagna! It can be fucked up depending on who makes it, just like you! Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): You are ravioli. You’re not all that, but every once in a while, the good person in you decides to make an appearance. Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): You’re ziti. There’s just something about it that gives me Scorpio vibes, I don't know.
Are You Kanye? By: Hugh Janus
As you know, Kanye has been off his meds lately, which means that his INSTAGRAM HAS LOOKED LIKE THIS LATELY, FOLLOWED BY A BUNCH OF EDITS AND SCREENSHOTS OF TEXT MESSAGES. SO TODAY, I WILL BE EMBODYING MY INNER KANYE. THIS QUIZ WILL TELL US IF YOU ARE KANYE BECAUSE I AM TEAM KANYE. HE’S JUST TRYING TO BRING HIS FAMILY BACK TOGETHER. 1. DID YOU DIVORCE YOUR WIFE? A. Yes B. No 2. DID YOU CALL YOUR EX-WIFE’S BOYFRIEND A “DICKHEAD” AND “HILLARY CLINTON’S EXBOYFRIEND”? A. Yes B. No 3. WERE YOU CALLED A “FUCKING DINOSAUR” BY KID CUDI? A. Yes B. No 4. DID YOU POST A CIVIL WAR EDIT WITH SKETE, KIM, AND TAYLOR SWIFT ON TEAM IRON MAN? A. Yes B. No 5. Did you learn that using all caps makes people feel like you’re screaming at them? A. Yes B. No If you answered yes to at least 3/5 of these questions, you are Kanye off his medications. If you answered no to at least 3/5 of these questions, you still are Kanye but on his medications. Either way, you are Kanye.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): You are macaroni! A classic dish which also happens to make the best type of pasta, mac n’ cheese! Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): You are spaghetti! You’re also pretty basic but pair well with almost any sauce. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): You are penne! Also, a classic and very versatile. You go well with any type of sauce. Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): You are pasta shells! You lowkey get excited whenever mom makes them, but you don’t want it to be too obvious because it’s kind of terrible.
YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE
Are You An Asshole? By: Your Mom
1. Do you hold the door open for people? A. Yeah, it’s common courtesy B. No, I don’t like people 2. Have you ever racially profiled anyone? A. Yes, I once said my brown friend looked like Devi from that stupid Netflix show, “Never Have I Ever” B. No, it's Black History month, racially profiling is not pushin’ P. 3. Did you break up with your significant other after Valentine’s Day? A. Yes, I am not an asshole. I saved the heartbreak for the end. B. No, I am an asshole. I told them to fuck off on February 13th. If you answered yes to one of these questions, congratulations, you are not an asshole! Unless you said yes to question 2, then you are most definitely an asshole. If you answered yes to two of these questions, you’re in the middle, but close to reaching asshole status. If you answered yes to all three questions, you are actually scum. You are the most assholiest of assholes. You’re right next to the students who go to Rutgers Newark. I AM VERY TIRED BECAUSE I SPENT TOO MUCH TIME ON THE KANYE PHOTOSHOP. PLEASE COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS IN THE LSC BOARD RM (UPSTAIRS) ON WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM .
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OPINIONS
"We have enough cum... to fill the Nile!"
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How is your studying for midterms going this semester? "I feel like I'm getting my fucking frenulum pierced. " Mike Coxlong Collecting piercings like Infinity Stones
"haha :)" The Opinions Editor Realizing that a humanities major is not a free A
"Ayo bro don't fuckin talk ta me when I'm fuckin studyin ya hear me you [REDACTED]" White Guy from New York Pulled a pistol on me
STUFF YER FACE WITH MY DICK AND BALLS
To The Guy Who Approved Of My Fart In The Men’s Bathroom At Stuff Yer Face BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE
You remember when I ripped ass so hard while pissing in that poor urinal at Stuff Yer Face (which has probably seen more dick than a gay pornstar), a seismologist shit his pants in sheer fear of the 4.2069 earthquake in New Brunswick that my bowels caused? Yeah, good times, good times. Anyhow, I just wanted to say thanks for your vocal approval of my bodily functions; it helped reassure me that I’m not a complete fucking abomination. Now, as a result of your saying “Nice!” I only consider dying of hypothermia five times a day instead of the usual ten or so (and those are typically good days, mind you, so take that as you will). Now, what was I trying to say in the midst of this endless stream of madness spewing out of my fucking fingertips? Oh, right. If we ever cross paths (God forbid, not for my sake, but for yours), I’d be more than happy to buy you a beer. Of course, that also depends on whether I can actually afford it or not at that moment because you and I both know that the struggle tends to be pretty real sometimes. Speaking of the struggle, could you possibly spot me five dollars? I don’t know why, but the beer (Yuengling, please give me a sponsorship) at that place is expensive for no good fucking reason. On one final note, if you just happen to swing for the same team, then you should definitely take up my offer. I’m pretty sure that regardless of whether I’m sober or not, you’ll be good looking as hell. Anyway, Michael C. Hawke out!
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2022
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AS AN ENGLISH MAJOR, I APPROVE THIS PIECE
Why the Invention of Yassification Revolutionized the English Language BY KIRA AMETHYST
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine informed me, after we had depleted each others' sexual energies in my silk chiffon-sheeted bed, that he did not know what yassification is after I offhandedly told him "my coochie has now yassified you." "What the fuck is yassification?" he asked me, his moist armpit hairs in my face. (It was consensual, don't worry. I love the stench of armpits.) I was genuinely shocked. I was astonished. I was gooped and gagged and also ball-gagged. So I lay there and explained to him what yassification is. And now, dear reader, I will explain to you why yassification singlehandedly revolutionized the English language. You see, yassification is the process by which someone or something is gayed. Yes, hello, the one conservative reader of this paper. You are right; the gays are making other things gay. Anyway, the impact of the invention of yassification is truly unmatched. Now people put the suffix -ification onto EVERYTHING. For example, you know that trailer for the new Pinocchio movie coming out? Yea, Pinocchio was yassified. He was slayified. He was twinkified. Such a linguistic marvel. When all you straight male readers are like "no homo!" to your besties at night, embrace yassification instead. Become yassified. Join the yassification cult. We don't bite. Our hazing process is painless. There is a statistically insignificant chance you will die. Just eat this goldfishy coochie, babe. AMERICAN SCHOOLS LIED. HOW SHOCKING!!
Helen Keller is Not Real BY SOMEONE WITH A BRAIN
I think it’s about time that we discuss one of the most important debates in history: is Helen Keller real? bUt wE LeARnEd AboUt aLl ThE cOOl ThiNgS sHe diD iN ScHooL; there’s no way that they lied to us about her.” But think about it. Helen Keller is not real. There’s no way that a deaf AND blind person was able to SPEAK. Like what the fuck?! I understand that she was born hearing and seeing, but within a couple months of her pathetic life, she just gave up and stopped doing that shit. I know that babies are born with innate abilities, but saying the word “wawa” for “water” is not one of those abilities. Like she probably only had a few months of hearing words, but she never knew what they meant, so there’s no way that she was able to think “ah yes, that there is definitely water”. In all honesty, she probably saw that it was water and decided to be a bitch by saying it was “wawa”. She knew that she was gonna get so much fucking sympathy because she shouldn’t have known what water is but still did. Well newsflash for you, Helen: smart people know what water is! You’re just a fucking loser! She sits on a throne of lies, as Buddy the Elf said. Also who was gonna tell me that she had sex?! You’re telling me that she got somuch sympathy from having a fallacious disorder that someone wanted to fuck her? And I can’t get any bitches? Make it make sense.
ARTS
Wednesday, February 23th, 2022
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“Poopoopeepee.”
THIS GAS HAS DRIP
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RUTGERS STUDENT'S HISTORY - HOLLOBABY
BRAND SPANKING NEW - PP HARDING
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO WRITE. PEEPEEPOOPOO. UM I JUST WANT TO SAY FUCK YOU RUPA FOR COCK-BLOCKING ME LAST WEEK. IF YOU ALSO HATE RUPA, COME TO LSC BOARD ROOM WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00 PM
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Why do people feel the need to raise their hand in class? (When you and I were playing around during recess, making real friends, and creating real memories, some kids were busy trying to get their teacher to tell them what the homework would be next month. The small amount of positive adult interaction they had during recess became the only way they can get off now. Unfortunately for you, while you are trying your best to not get a hard case of second-hand embarrassment, they are filling their pants with sticky fluids.
PERSONALS
Wednesday, February 23th, 2022
"My friend hates adopted people and I'm not sure how to tell her that its not ok." themedium.submissions@gmail.com
Terms
Why does the Mechanical Properties of Materials professors feel the need to call his exams “Celebrations of Learning?” (So let me tell you about this class. This class is, by far, the worst class I have ever taken in my life. It sucks so hard. I really strongly dislike this class. The professor manages to go through 144 slides in a 120-minute class without saying a single coherent word, and then he expects us to be able to do homework that involves content that isn’t in the book, online, or in the slides. So in a beautiful homage to 1984, he calls the exams “CelebraDoes God exist? tions of Learning” because (Well, I have two 8:30’s and we don’t learn, and we don’t exams on Sunday from the celebrate. physics department. So no.) When going to Busch dinMake me cum, right now. ing hall, what's the best (Ok, close your eyes. Haha, food to get? now you can’t read this. (Hmm… The M&M’s didn’t Loser. Fuckwit. I hate you. give that bad stomach ache, You can open your eyes so I guess those.) How do I make my parents now.) proud? Who won the Olympics? (My parents are already (That happened?!) proud of me.)
Word of the Week: Peni-Martini n. A Martini served from a shot glass made of the dried forskin of a Gentile.
I LOVE RUTGERS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO MUCH. Thats why I write for The Medium. Join me!
SUCK
Best kind of chips? (NA chips. Get sober already. Your family doesn’t trust you anymore.) How come kids in the School of Engineering hate jews?
2/23: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
(That’s just what happens when you can’t get laid.) Why do I feel so empty? (I’m not sure, but I’ve heard that the answer lies somewhere deep inside the heart of the SHI football stadium. First, you have to defeat the mountains of debt you carry on your back. Then you need to satisfy the massive ego of the coach of the football team by sucking him off and stripping down naked in front of his giant helicopter. After you finally clean yourself off, you can finally walk into the “Hall of Truth.” There you will learn the answer. Or you can go to therapy. That might work as well. Let's talk about condoms. (But babe, I don’t fit in them.) I can’t hear anything at all. Is there something I can do about it? (*muffled response*)
JUUL IS COOL What do I do if my friend tries to get me to use Linux? (Back away slowly, Linux users can only see things that run fast and efficiently without a crapton of bloatware. If you move as fast as a Window’s boot on Macbook, they won’t be able to tell until you’ve already left the room.) How do I draw better? (First, you have to take the dick out of your hand.) Does anyone read this? (I don’t know. You do, I guess.) I always get hard at 9:00 am during physics lectures; it’s not the teacher or anyone in class; I just get hard. Is this normal? (Yes. I used to get hard during my Calc 4 zoom classes all the time. Something about an old white guy telling me the information I’ll never use just makes me go off.)
OVER HERE Wednesdays @ 7:45p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room
PAGE A7
Wednesday, February 23th, 2022
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" Which toe is the best for me to cutt off to avoid fighting un Ukraine "
How Quick Can I Get To Canada?
Whose Ready Foy War? We Forced a Neural Network to Read Every Medium Article Ever Written By Alan Turring (no relation) By now we’re all familiar with the meme where someone forces an advanced learning bot to consume a lot of media and then have it make its own. It’s a tried and true formula; you pick something relatable, like every Seinfeld episode, and have the bot view every ounce of it in order to spit out something barely legible yet entirely relatable. Ever at the forefront of innovation and entertainment, we at The Medium decided to make our own bot, which we called Robert BarccAI. We then had BarccAI read every Medium article ever written, from when we were the Livingston Medium in the 1970s to when we wrote about [REDACTED] at the Beijing Olympics last week. What happened next was crazy. Robert BarccAI quit. “I just can’t do it,” BarccAI told interviewers, “It’s all been so bad recently.” The AI then went on about how the Medium used to be a real news source, and how now it's just shitty memes and jokes about getting fucked by a school. “How do you even have sex with a school? It’s not an animal, it doesn’t have a phallus. And don’t say it’s a metaphor. those idiots wouldn’t know what symbolism was if it killed them.” When asked for comment, Co-Editor-In-Chief Kiran told reporters, “We had a lot of hopes for Mr. BarccAI, and we’re sad to see it go. We wish it all the best in its new job at the Star Ledger.” Kelly, the Supreme Editor-In-Chief, added, “At least it wasn’t as bad as Microsoft. Remember TayTweets?”
Poem Time Bitches
He Left a Sour Taste BY GHOST OF QUINCY DOUBY
In early days of junior year I swiped And found a nice young man by name of Rob So after years of no one there to pipe I at last found the guy right for the job It took some time to find a day that worked When he and I could have our first date Apparently beforehand he had jerked And without knowing he had sealed my fate
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Brazzers Announces New Movie: Into the Sinneverse
By: Jonathan Simpson Many people were excited about Spiderman: No Way Home, especially seeing alternate versions of Spiderman grace the silver screen again. With the recent interest in multiverses, one film company has decided to capitalize on this: Brazzers. Their new film centers around one of their biggest stars, Johnny Sins, and the numerous roles he has held in the adult film industry. “This is going to be one of the biggest films to hit not only the adult film industry but even the regular film industry.” says CEO of Mindgeek Feras Antoon. The film stars a young child (Johnny Sins) named Steven Wolfe who is unsure of what he wants to do in life. He gets to meet an older version of himself, who says that he is destined for greatness and the only way to see the Sinneverse is to do his first anal scene. Soon, our young intrepid Wolfe sees all the possibilities of his career, running from doctor, to construction worker, to teacher, and firefighter. However, a greater threat ensues when Christian Johnny (Johnny Sins) comes to erase the Sinneverse in order to end the adult film industry. Soon, Steven Wolfe has to team up with the Johnny’s of the Sinneverse to counteract this threat. How will it end? Come down to Rutgers Cinema to see the climactic battle in Johnny
We waited for his roommate's nightly leave While kissing deep and playful on his couch His room called to us as a gay reprieve And I gazed deeply at his cock and pouch Off went his bike shorts and he whispered "please?"... And my first blowjob was one of dick cheese
Come to a Medium Meeting; unless you're a pussy. Pussy! Wednesdays @ 8 p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room or
February 23rd, 2022 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPORTS is what I will guess for Wordle even though it is 6 letters
BEIJING OLYMPICS EXTENDED BY ONE WEEK SO RUSSIA, UKRAINE AND UNITED STATES CAN ENGAGE IN WATER BALLOON FIGHT
VLADIMIR PUTIN AND JOE BIDEN PRACTICING THROWING WATER BALLOONS BY THE WORLD’S LEADING POLITICAL SPORTS EXPERT WHO DEFINITELY KNOWS MORE THAN EVERYONE ELSE
Following the closing ceremony this past Sunday in Beijing, it appeared to most observers that the 2022 Winter Olympic Games were over.
However, secret behind the scenes negotiations were being held by the International Olympic Committee (IOC) over the past few days to extend the games
Three Ways to Pretend You Know What's Going on With Rutgers Athletics when Talking to your Friends BY: A (NOT AT ALL) DEDICATED SPORTS FAN
Let’s describe a possible scenario right now: You are a student at Rutgers University, and you don’t know shit about sports. But, you constantly hear conversations about how bad Rutgers football is, or about whether or not Rutgers men’s basketball will make March Madness. You want to participate in these conversations, but you don’t know enough to contribute. Is that scenario likely? Probably not. You probably either know a lot about Rutgers sports and like to participate in those conversations, or don’t know anything about sports and thus don’t have any interest in participating. But I don’t care if it's probable or not. So here are three ways to pretend you know what is going on with Rutgers Athletics when talking to your friends, even if you don’t. 1. Say you have seen one of the basketball players’ genitals. It doesn’t matter which player, and it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. What matters is that after you say that, the topic of conversation will switch to what you just said, and will switch away from whatever the other people were talking about. 2. Expose your OWN genitals mid-conversation. Sure, maybe the topic of conversation before was how Rutgers football is never going to win a bowl game, but now the topic is how your penis wouldn’t even fit in a bowl, you would need multiple to stuff it in. 3. Just make shit up, because no one knows anything. Your friends might be talking about Rutgers Basketball, so say you think James Jamieson is playing really well this year. No one will want to look stupid and not know who that is, so they will go along with you and talk about fictitious player James Jamieson.
with a surprise competition. The IOC officially announced in a statement Tuesday that the games would be extended one week so that Russia, Ukraine, and the United States could engage in a water balloon fight. The IOC’s statement was brief, but direct. “With the whole international squabble and whatnot going on between Russia and the Ukraine, we figured it would be pretty funny to have the two countries have a week-long water balloon fight. And the United States always seems to stick their head in on matters, so we just threw them in there too.” Reaction from around the world was swift. Sure, there were some boring political implications of this due the ongoing crisis and Vladimir Putin doing random military action. But, most of the reaction was thankfully surrounding who would participate in the water balloon fight. ESPN Sports Commentator
and Living Genius Stephen A. Smith chimed in, explaining “The United States needs to have Medical Expert Joe Rogan represent them in the water balloon fight. I’ve heard the way he throws out medical advice on his podcast, so I’m sure he could throw water balloons just as well.” In terms of the other two countries, Smith said “Russia absolutely needs to include Maria Sharapova, and that is not because she is the only Russian athlete I can think of. For Ukraine, I don’t have any recommendations.” When pressed why, Smith insisted that he knew some Ukranians he could name, he was just keeping it a secret. At press time, the Chinese government was secretly laughing that the whole Ukraine crisis and water balloon fight was hiding all the random shit their government was doing. Extra space here so I wish to insert my penis into a vagina but no one will let me
NBA All-Star Weekend: By the Numbers BY: PROFESSIONAL DUNK JUDGE DWYANE WADE
0
9
People who got hyped watching that boring as hell dunk contest
The score Dwyane Wade would have given every dunk out of habit, even though they were all shit
75
169
How many players from the Top 75 would have showed up to the ceremony if some weren’t dead or decided not to show up
My suggested score for what the All-Star Game should be played to next year
1 million
Penis
How many threes Steph Curry would have hit at the All-Star Game if it went an extra quarter
Penis Penis Penis Penis
Always being nice to children and not doing anything questionable SINCE 1970