Roll that shit out nice and flat, but not too flat, just flat enough

Sorry Geno nerds

Characters I want in

By Mr. Leaky Pantz the next Smash Bros

1) Travis Touchdown 2) Master Chief 3) Mike Tyson 4) Bobby Baccalieri from the Sopranos 5) My cousin Packie 6) Bernie Sanders (with a Larry David echo fighter) 7) Me

We'll Love you Instead :) Pitch Meetings: Livi Student Center Boardroom 7:45-8:45 Production: Livi Student Center Rm 117D

Craigslist for perverts

I am an archaeologist in search of the fabled wooden dentures that George Washington would use to eat out his wife, Martha. This is an incredibly precious object that cannot fall into the wrong hands. If you stumble upon the bloodied teeth of our first president, please email immediately at EddieEatOut@gmail.com

Andrew Yang you bitch motherfucker, I want my 1,000 dollars. I don't care if you dropped out or whatever, I quit my job at the racisim factory thinking I was gonna be rolling in the deep. Now I'm rolling in garbage, cause I live in a dumpster! If you wanna make this right, email me at XxdingleberryxX@yahoo.com

Top 12 things that suck about my job!!!

By Maddie Mori, Mortician & Tiktok Influencer

Hey guys! So I’m like, so, sooo grateful to have built up 24,520 followers over the past eight months by literally dancing on the graves of our clientele! And by the morgue lockers and crematoriums too! But sometimes, dabbing over grandma’s dead body isn’t always so clean and peachy keen! Here are some things that AREN’T so fleek about working in the Fenwiek Funeral Home!

12. You can’t talk Jim and Pam, Kim and Kanye, or Libe and Sadge with ANY of the clientele

11. It’s hard to undo decomp for the #Don’tJudgeMeChallenge

10. Naked nanny cadavers can’t Nae Nae to the beat

9. Only AFTER rigor mortis will the muscles drop and the mouth lip sync (and barely on key)

8. It’s such a high key downer vibeeee. Feeling: mournful :^(

7. You can’t bool the Juul on the job :/ (even though NO-BODY’S alive to have a body to worry about, like hellooooo)

6. Organ donors. Intestines are hella slimy and sticky and stinky and moist (ewwwwww HATE that word!!!!!!)

5. Postmortem poopoos & peepees! Stinky!!! (like, can’t you clear it all out and THEN die????)

4. You gotta keyframe those text-box things over EVERY closedcasket TikTok

3. BUMBOCLAAT: People call you an insensitive piece of shit and an exploitative bitch and a lowkey sociopath when you JUST. WANNA. HAVE. FUN! AND. THAT’S. THE. TEA. BET!

2. You gotta dance in a bulky ass hazmat suit around the embalming fluid (formaldehyde stinkyyyyy!!!!!)

1. The realization that all your daily toils and 30-40 hour workweeks will amount to bone and dust and dirt and fertilizer (stinky poopy!) and rigor mortis chubs in the end. Certifiably 1000% NOT lit y’all. Adulting is literally SOOOO hard guys,

Hi-ku

I'm a honest man

I love respecting women

No coochie for me