Um, maybe you pull it out of the bowl and put it on a slab, but

Politics Why aren't people voting for who I tell them to? (Have you tried becoming an affluent billionaire oligarch and bribing them? Or taking the bribes of billionaire oligarchs to design an app to vote for them?) Fuckin Noise (Continual ecological, economic, and existential anxiety will do that to a generation.) Finally found a brand of earplug that works for blocking noise, but they’re rigid as fuck. How do I make them feel like they aren’t stiff champagne corks pressing down against my brain gunk? What is Amy Klobuchar's stance on assaualt office supplies? (Definitely a 240 sheet, high capacity staple woman. Wouldn't worry about any harsh sanctions or bans if I were you.) (Pencils. In the ear. Can't lose the game if you don't play.) Wearing earplugs and they still don't drown out my fucking neighbor's manbaby banshee shrieking at COD. What do I do? (S.W.A.T. that shit.) Why are young people so mean? (Joseph C. Gayetty. World's first commercial toilet paper. Hamster wheel. Selfeating ouroboros. Escape or doodoo asswipe nigh? FOLLOW THE MONEY. Q) QQQQQQQQQQQQQ. (Just take out your fucking eardrums, coward.) Can I legally call the RA on my roommate if he won’t stop snoring? Next door, can you FINALLY fucking shut up? Keep it down after I tell you nicely to keep it down? Work some steam up in that vacuous, refrigator I.Q. chode head? Afford me some PRIVACY in the privacy of my own room? (Whoah bud. Deep breaths. Need a hug?)

Word of the Week:

Health How can we put the "us" in coronavirus? (Find a cuddle buddy and spoon under a weighted smallpox blanket together.) I think I have athletes foot but I don’t play a sport. How is this possible? (E-sports. Plenty of time for scaly fungus to spread between the toes when you've spent the past three days grinding for the short Draco barrel on your virtual AK in Modern Warfare...

Can't complain about extra company though!) How healthy is toilet water? (Not very, especially if it was sourced anywhere near the Raritan. If you've chugged out of a Scott Hall or Lucy Stone stall? Doubly so. Get writing on that will ASAP.) Am I running for exercise or from danger? I forgot. (Does it make much difference? The guy who trailed you three blocks down Easton is one hell of a motivator either way.) How long have I been dead? (We've all been there. Eventually.)

Wenis n. The first body part I would surgically modify and weaponize for free under a Sanders presidency

TRUE SOLACE MAY ONLY BE KNOWN IN THE VOID

Miscellaneous Will I ever learn my lesson?

(No you fucking won't. Neither will I. We're all doomed to the same listless, momentary hellscape of hot chip, sadomasochistic humiliation, and never learning the fucking lesson.) ) How do I retrieve my arm from the mountain lion without losing my other arm? (Fake a throwing motion with your stub. Classic fakeout. Works on my dog, and HE'S an animal, so the end result should be 1:1!) Can I borrow a pen? (Sure. Can you spare some serotonin or oxytocin or dopamine feelgood goo in return?) Should I buy the PS5 or wait for the PS6? (Two kidneys: two consoles in the future barter economy? Invest and pull those bootstraps wisely.)

(or down here buddy boi!!!!!!) Wednesdays @ 7:45p.m. Livingston Student Center Room 109