the Medium Politics
Why aren't people voting for who I tell them to? (Have you tried becoming an affluent billionaire oligarch and bribing them? Or taking the bribes of billionaire oligarchs to design an app to vote for them?) Why are young people so mean? (Continual ecological, economic, and existential anxiety will do that to a generation.) What is Amy Klobuchar's stance on assaualt office supplies? (Definitely a 240 sheet, high capacity staple woman. Wouldn't worry about any harsh sanctions or bans if I were you.) QQQQQQQQQQQQQ. (Joseph C. Gayetty. World's first commercial toilet paper. Hamster wheel. Selfeating ouroboros. Escape or doodoo asswipe nigh? FOLLOW THE MONEY. Q)
PERSONALS
"This page is dedicated to Jake Paul for curing my anxiety!!!!!"
Fuckin Noise
Finally found a brand of earplug that works for blocking noise, but they’re rigid as fuck. How do I make them feel like they aren’t stiff champagne corks pressing down against my brain gunk? (Just take out your fucking eardrums, coward.) Wearing earplugs and they still don't drown out my fucking neighbor's manbaby banshee shrieking at COD. What do I do? (Pencils. In the ear. Can't lose the game if you don't play.) Can I legally call the RA on my roommate if he won’t stop snoring? (S.W.A.T. that shit.) Next door, can you FINALLY fucking shut up? Keep it down after I tell you nicely to keep it down? Work some steam up in that vacuous, refrigator I.Q. chode head? Afford me some PRIVACY in the privacy of my own room? (Whoah bud. Deep breaths. Need a hug?)
Word of the Week:
Wenis
n. The first body part I would surgically modify and weaponize for free under a Sanders presidency
TRUE SOLACE MAY ONLY BE KNOWN IN
THE VOID
Health
How can we put the "us" in coronavirus? (Find a cuddle buddy and spoon under a weighted smallpox blanket together.)
Wednesday, February 26th, 2020
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
WEINSTEIN: CELEBS WEIGH IN
I think I have athletes foot but I don’t play a sport. How is this possible? (E-sports. Plenty of time for scaly fungus to spread between the toes when you've spent the past three days grinding for the short Draco barrel on your virtual AK in Modern Warfare... Can't complain about extra company though!) How healthy is toilet water? (Not very, especially if it was sourced anywhere near the Raritan. If you've chugged out of a Scott Hall or Lucy Stone stall? Doubly so. Get writing on that will ASAP.) Am I running for exercise or from danger? I forgot. (Does it make much difference? The guy who trailed you three blocks down Easton is one hell of a motivator either way.) How long have I been dead? (We've all been there. Eventually.)
Miscellaneous Will I ever learn my lesson? (No you fucking won't. Neither will I. We're all doomed to the same listless, momentary hellscape of hot chip, sadomasochistic humiliation, and never learning the fucking lesson.) ) How do I retrieve my arm from the mountain lion without losing my other arm? (Fake a throwing motion with your stub. Classic fakeout. Works on my dog, and HE'S an animal, so the end result should be 1:1!) Can I borrow a pen? (Sure. Can you spare some serotonin or oxytocin or dopamine feelgood goo in return?) Should I buy the PS5 or wait for the PS6? (Two kidneys: two consoles in the future barter economy? Invest and pull those bootstraps wisely.)
(or down here buddy boi!!!!!!) Wednesdays @ 7:45p.m. Livingston Student Center Room 109
