This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 9th, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $6.99 GOODBYE IRS/PORNHUB COLLAB...
IRS PULLS OUT OF ANAL RECOGNITION POLICY BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE SUBSCRIBE TO MY ONLYFANS
As a result of tremendous controversy, the IRS has recently decided to retract it’s move towards implementing an anal recognition policy. The policy, which was intended to be added as a major security measure against fraud, was initially planned to be put into effect by summer of this year, with the anal recognition data to be handled by a third party contractor called Mindgeek, widely known for their ownership of the explicit website called Pornhub. That, however, won’t fucking happen. Some felt that the measure simply wasn’t good enough, arguing that if the IRS wanted to properly protect American taxpayers from identity theft and fraud, they could’ve implemented the aforementioned
policy in tandem with a genital recognition policy. To quote former Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner, a major supporter of the policy and supporter of the infamous Patriot Act, “We genuinely feel that without the anal recognition policy,
the American government can’t make love to us and protect us in a more intimate fashion, one that we genuinely deserve.” Others, however, felt that the policy was a huge threat to the rights of American citizens, and would have proven to be another Continued on Page 2
HELLO CNN/PORNHUB COLLAB!
CNN MAKES NEW PORN SITE: CNN+ BY WHORE KNEE MY NAME IS ALSO HOW I AM RN
Recently, our supreme leader, the Teflon god, Jeff Zucker resigned. This has come up due to allegations of an undisclosed affair with Allison Gollust. Many in CNN were in shock. “I’ve been fucked by Jeff Zucker on many occasions but he never disclosed our relationship,” says Humpty Dumpty wannabe Brian Stelter. After these events happened, the executives at CNN made a decision. They would transform CNN+, Zucker’s dreamchild, into a porno site. “It just made sense. With all the sexual misconduct violations happening, the least we could do is monetize it” says an unnamed CNN Executive. Now, for the low low price of
$420.69 per year, one can see their favorite CNN hosts and correspondents gettin’ it on. Some of the titles to their first wave of CNN+ will be the following. Gett’n down with Don Lemon, what’s in his pants ain’t a lemon. The Wolfstyle with
Wolf Blitzer, there’s gonna be a situation in your room after he’s done. For Dr. Sanjay Gupta, he’s looking to flatten your curves for two weeks straight, but it could go on for much longer. For those with kinkier fetishes, the Cuomos Continued on Page 2
Not Scanning Our Genitals Since 1970
QUICKIES
Macron 'Meats' With Putin, Treats Him With Steak Dinner Joe Rogan Apologizes For Being Joe Rogan NJ Gov Drops School Mask Mandate, Tells COVID To 'Go Fuck Itself' VA Gov Fights Teen Barehanded For Three Days Straight Canadian Truckers Turn Ottawa Into Massive Truck Stop Whoopi Goldberg Forced To Drop Her Surname After Holocaust Statement Rutgers Basketball Coach On The Grind
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NEWS
Wednesday, February 9th, 2022
"Please subscribe to my OnlyFans, Charles Rettig"
SUBSCRIBE TO MY ONLYFANS, DAMNIT!
CNN+: A DIFFERENT TYPE OF FEAR PORN PLEASE RAIL ME CUOMO-SAN will host an orgy on the hour every hour. With all the grabass going on, you might want to hold onto yours. For the baldies, Van Jones will demonstrate his love for BBC (not the news station). Seeing CNN take this pivotal step in adult entertainment is phenomenal. Sexpert and known dickologist Mike Oxlong stated, “This recent development shows that porn should be streamed in a mainstream format. I am hoping that streaming services such as Disney+. Gotta get that Flik Dick action.” Overall, this is a great valentine’s day gift. Perfect for the family.
INSERT IRS ANAL PUN HERE step for the American government towards tyranny (like we haven't crossed that line already…). Regardless, I genuinely don’t have anything else to put into this article except fuck the Internal Revenue Service and the concept of paying taxes, at least in this country. If our funds were perhaps spent in a more adequate and wise manner, such as proper fucking medical care, infrastructure, or education, then I wouldn’t have this problem. Alright, rant over, now please admire the picture to the right of this text of a doll scanning his rear end over an office printer.
NEVER HAPPENED
FOR 40TH TIME, CHINESE TENNIS STAR WASN’T SEXUALLY ASSAULTED NOPE: NONEXISTENT
We at the Medium must emphasize something real quick. You guys remember Peng Shuai, the tennis star that accused a Chinese government official of sexually harassing her? Yeah, about that, that didn’t happen. Nope. Not in the slightest. No
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chance whatsoever. Certainly didn’t take place in any way, shape or form. Nah. It’s preposterous, getting sexually assaulted. Like, imagine that actually taking place, right? It’s not like people in power just do whatever they please and get away with the consequences,
yeah? Nah, doesn’t happen. Never does, never will. And anyone who states that to be the case is clearly lying to you, or, alternatively, has an agenda, likely one against the Chinese government, correct? Correct. Good. That’s what’s up. Sexual assault doesn’t exist, Peng Shuai wasn’t sexually harassed, nooooooooooooooooooooo sir! Negative. Nada. Once again though, we just need to emphasize for the… 41st time now, that Peng Shuai wasn’t sexually assaulted. In fact, she didn’t even make that accusation, not once. As a matter of fact, why in the hell are we even discussing this at the current moment? Why discuss something that never took place, it’s like discussing the existence of the Tooth Fairy! This never happened! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, didn’t happen! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, didn’t happen! Nope, nope, nope, nope,
...continued from front
nope, didn’t happen! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, didn’t happen! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, didn’t happen! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, didn’t happen! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, didn’t happen! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, didn’t happen! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, didn’t happen! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, didn’t happen! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, didn’t happen! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, didn’t happen! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, didn’t happen! Nope, nope, nope, nope, didn’t happen!
IF YOU LOOOOVE WRITING CRAZY SHIT, CONSIDER SENDING SOMETHING TO THE MEDIUM! THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARD ROOM OR LSC ROOM 109
Editorial Staff
Spring 2022
Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Kiran Subramanaian Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium Human Resources H.R. Hickenbottom
News Editors Features Editor Opinions Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor
Carlos Domenech Kristina Patel Kyle Sabin Amit Ofek John Mahoney
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche
Doug Willig Kyle Sabin Carlos Domenech Jade Zack Consumerism
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to... bro, I don't fucking know, a plate of nachos? Damn I could go for nachos right now...
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FEATURES “I want Daddy Holloway to speank me.”
#IMSAD
the Medium
I AM VERY LONELY
10 Ways To Not Be Lonely On Valentine's Day By: Hugh Janus
1. Kidnap someone. 2. Find your soulmate on the streets of Easton Ave, they just might happen to be a crackhead, but that's totally okay. 3. Grab your lotion and refer to this link: https://www.pornhub.com/video/ search?search=ru+screwed 4. Don’t shit your pants. You’ll have better luck finding someone if you don't smell like dookie. Unless you’re into that. 5. Go to Busch. You’ll be greeted by a bunch of horny, STEM kids who have never gotten any action. Not even from Tom Brady. 6. Please call President Holloway’s office at 848-932-7454. You may be put on hold because there will be a long line of people who want to have phone sex with him. 7. Email your TA! They’re here to help you (in different ways of course). You’ll definitely get an A in your class while you’re at it. 8. Have a Fizz Karma greater than 500. If you’re at 499, you suck. You don’t get any bitches. 9. Write a really vague Missed Connections post. Your DMs will blow up and bam, you’re not alone for once in your life. 10. Come to the Medium and have a 10+ person orgy with us!
YOU FOUND US ON THE WEB! CONGRATS! YOU NEED TO GET OFF THE INTERNET NOW! BUT ANYWAYS, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY JOIN US IN LSC ROOM 109 FOR OUR SUPER SEXY MEETING! PLEASE CUM ;)
PLS DON'T DIE ON THE LX
Answer These Questions And We’ll Tell You What Rutgers Bus You Are By: Mike Oxlong
1. Do you enjoy eating at the dining halls for fun? 2. Have you ever experienced RU Screw? 3. Do you want Daddy Holloway to spank you? 4. If your mom was dying and the only way you could save her is by retaking Expos, would you do it? If you answered yes to one of these questions, you are the F! You love being out of service after 9 PM. If you answered yes to two questions, you are the LX. You’re either a business major or love being physically crushed by others. If you answered yes to three questions, you are the H. You actually suck. Imagine going to Busch, haha loser. Finally, if you answered yes to all four questions, you’re a weekend bus. Or, a figment of my imagination because it’s never there.
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OPINIONS
"I had a dream about a vampire with a 14 inch dick."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Who are you asking to be your Valentine this year? "My mom; she says I'm handsome. My Snapchat is kingsfan69, ladies." White Guy Literally just a white guy
"Kira Amethyst. Have you seen her side boob? Literally reality-breaking." Heywood Jablomi Former Medium editor "My cat Mr. Stinky Pussyflaps, cause he never fails me in my many times of need." Your Grandma Granny, you need to take your meds!
CROSSWALKS AREN'T THE ONLY WHITE LINES
Jaywalking Makes Me Coom My Pants BY RICHARD JOHNSON
I realized very soon after I got to Rutgers my freshman year that jaywalking is the fastest way to unload a load right into my pants. I still remember my first time crossing College Ave at an undesignated location; I had already walked past Brower and didn't want to wait for the next corner, so I just crossed. Then I cummed. I cummed so hard, I think I broke the zipper on my jeans (that's right, gentlemen, I don't wear underwear). I almost lost my balance and had to take a breather (which almost led to me being hit by a bus, so I missed out on another orgasm). I started to chase this thrill, crossing College Ave anywhere I wanted. I shotgun blasted the inside of my pants over and over again, achieving nirvana better than Kurt Cobain. During COVID, I chose to keep living at Rutgers, hoping to take advantage of the empty streets to jaywalk all over the abandoned campus. To my dismay, without the risk of getting plowed (not in a sexy way) by some motorist, I could not coom. Cook/ Doug was too empty, Livi was empty, even College Ave was empty at any time other than rush hour. I was distraught. I had become so accustomed to getting off while jaywalking across the road that I couldn't get there any other way. Now, my drought has ended: as people have flooded back to campus, I can continue to flood my pants with a river of thick, sticky semen. Happy Valentine’s Day! I'm gonna treat myself right this year, right in the middle of College Ave, baby!
Wednesday, February 9th, 2021
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IN MY JURASSIC PARK ERA RIGHT NOW
A Measured Response to Tyrannosaurus Sex BY KIRA AMETHYST
It recently came to my attention that one of The Medium’s contributing writers, under the pseudonym of “Tyrannosaurus Sex,” viciously attacked my Weekly Busch Rant series from last semester in an article published this semester. I do not know exactly which article it was, nor do I know exactly what Tyrannosaurus Sex said, nor do I have an inkling of who Tyrannosaurus Sex is, and regardless, I do not consider them or their work worthy of my time. But I do have one simple thing to say to you, Tyrannosaurus Sex, as follows: Fuck you, Tyrannosaurus Sex. Fuck you. How dare you insult my artistic endeavors, as if your grammatically incoherent, syntactically inconsiderate, communal bathroom toilet-level shithole of an article could compare to ANY of my Weekly Busch Rants. How dare you attempt to sneak your insult past me in your article’s last sentence; do you genuinely think I am such a lazy editor that I would not read it? Because you would be incorrect, since I am nothing if not thorough in everything that I do. Just ask any of the hundreds of men I have pulled; each and every one of them will tell you that they left my twin XL dorm bed after cumming not once, not twice, but three times in the course of a single hour. I break the fucking male refractory period, bitch. Also my side boob defies gravity. Warmly, and best wishes, Kira Amethyst BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS
Boob-Lights BY BOOBS
Feeling hungry and horny? Well, do I have the perfect place for you! Neilson Dining Hall is widely known for its sub-par food and its interesting architecture (seriously, it’s so fucking weird in there). But what many people seem to not notice while in Neilson are the light fixtures: classy, elegant boob-shaped lights. Boobs. Yes, you read that correctly: they’re lights that are shaped like boobs. Boobshaped lights, boob-lights if you will. Boobs. Now you can look forward to your next visit to Rutgers’ secondbest dining hall! Obviously Brower is first, duh. I’m just kidding though; please don’t eat at Brower—I’d rather get run over by the EE seven times in a row. Anyway… yeah. Boob-lights. Cause who doesn’t want to think of boobs while eating? Boobs. Boobs. Boobs? Boobs. Boobs. But literally, those boob lights are all over the ceiling at Neilson. Just look up, you’ll thank me later. One boob, two boobs, red boob, blue boob. From there to here, and here to there, boob-lights are everywhere! Green boobs and ham. These boobs will not bite you. They want to have fun. Then out of the ceiling came Boob Two and Boob One! Boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob lights boob
Wednesday, February 9, 2022
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ARTS
"That was too good, let's split the bill, purr"
the Medium
WE FOUND A SUITCASE- SHIRLEY ITSABOOBJOB
FEET ON THE SEAT- FOOT FREAK
SHIT ON THE WALL- THE MEDIUM
RON- SOMEONE
WELL, WELL, WELL. LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. A WOMAN... EDITING THE ARTS PAGE. I KNOW, THIS IS NOW YOUR FAVORITE PAGE BECAUSE OF ME. AND NOW YOU OBVIOULSY WANT TO MEET ME. SO COME ON DOWN TO LIVI STUDENT CENTER, WED 109 LSC!
the Medium Cum
PERSONALS
Wednesday, February 9th, 2022
"Lets try to take it slow this time. Last time I couldn't walk for a week!"- Ice Climbers
Cum
Cum
I really want to watch people break up before Valentines. Where do I go on campus?
Who is that person I keep seeing on peeing on the Bus? (Me.)
(College Avenue probably has the most couples out and about in public. Flirt Ok, but I’m not that bad with them, create trouble in looking? paradise, and then follow them back to where they (Ehh. You kinda are.) will retire for the evening, Am I really? Watch the fruits of your la(I’m sorry.) bor unfold right in front of Wow… Any hope? At all? your eyes.) (Well, life has a lot more to What’s up with the Jews offer than just love. I mean, these days? you can start a business, (I know, right?) or adopt kids and start a family. You can travel Am I really supposed to the world, and help the “Watch for Children” when homeless. Hell, you can I pass one of those signs? even start a career in porn! (Well, I know I do. I heard Actually. I think the best that if you don’t watch for you can do is a caddy for children you can get pulled upper middle class golfers.) over in over 50 states! Hmm… Should I just end Overall, the best choice is to slow down, watch the it? juicy children as they frolic (Probably.) How do I know if I go on around in the playground, salivate slowly as you softpornhub too much? ly moan in your car. Then (When the ads stop being keep driving. “get a big dick in 7 days” Date locations for Valenand start looking like ads tines? for strapons and strawber(February 14, 2022.) ry lube.)
How do we all collectively let Rutgers fuck us in the ass and take our money?
Why am I alone on Valentines? (Your coochie holds the most putrid, unholy scent. I’d be surprised if anyone makes eye contact with you. Loser.)
Word of the Week:
Cheese Curd
n. The small amount of cum left over inside your ass after getting vigorously fucked by the Rutgers Bus system. Well Kids!!!! I'm all slanted out here.... You wanna get slanted with me? I wanna get slanted with you ;-)
Hey! I have an idea, big boy. Cum to The Medium meetings. I promise you. It'll be fun... LSC. Wed - in the board room or room 109
I'll whisper in your ear for you.............
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2/9: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
(Well, we are all dirty cum sluts and while I can’t speak for the rest of the Rutgers undergraduate population, I know that I love it. Nothing gets me off like paying too much in tuition just to be stuck in a shitty webex class that no one pays attention to. God damn, I’m gonna go cum real quick. Mechanical Properties of Materials gets me sooo horny.) My laptop refuses to “sit down and take it?” How do I keep it from misbehaving? (Well education starts in the home. Did you try calling the small Chinese boy who built your laptop? Maybe he can answer this question better. Perhaps he and the laptop can go to therapy together where they can deal with their feelings. About keeping it from misbehaving? Well, I usually turn it off and on. That seems to do the trick.) Best site to watch Otter porn on? (CNN.com)
Man Seeking Math Teacher
Ok so I know it’s cutting it close, but I’m really looking for a math teacher to spend Valentine’s Day with. I admit that’s a bit specific, but just bear with me. I have this fantasy every now and again where I’m in high school again and it’s the day of the big math test. But get this, I always forget to study and the teacher scolds me. But they’re not just scolding me for fucking up the test, they’re scolding me for forgetting to put on clothes. Oh, I forgot to mention that I’m always naked in these fantasies. And everyone always laughs at me, and they’re egged on by the teacher. Oh the way the teacher just rips into me, ugh, it’s so fucking hot. I always wake up in a cold sweat. Sorry, I’ve got a distraction all of a sudden that I’m gonna need to take care of when I’m done writing this. Anyways, If you’re a math teacher and you’re reading this, why not make my Valentine's unforgettable? I’ll be waiting. Charles Uckman.
C.Uckman@hotmail.com
Wednesday, February 9th, 2022
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I'm A Fucking Poet
Feed The Beast
By: A Very Burnt-Out Spunky McGee Come on, Spunky, Come up with something. There is blank space on your fucking page that needs to be filled. That’s the line in print Feed the beast The beast being white space Just start writing you fuck feed the fucking beast But it has to be funny Why through Why does it have to be funny Most of the bullshit in this fucking paper isn’t funny Why do I have to be different Fuck it, here is your funny You fucking bastards “One Boob Two Boobs Red Boob Blue Boob” There is your fucking Funny! There is your dinner, you Fucking Beast I can be done now Spunky gets his booze and porn now
PAGE A7
"Channing is a fucking pussy!"
the Medium
Valentine's day is for losers, Sincerity, a lonely male virgin
Five Perfect Sex Positions for Breaking Up with Your Girlfriend By Lola Semen 1. Missionary: If you’re the confrontational type, this position is for you. Gaze into her eyes and thrust into her as you explain how you don’t see this going anywhere and you feel trapped. She’ll appreciate the honesty and face-to-face interaction. 2. Doggy Style: If you don’t fare well with confrontation, this position might be better. Let her know that you think you should start seeing other people without having to see her unpredictable reaction. Both parties can mourn in private. 3. Cowgirl: She can still hold onto a semblance of power while riding you after you break up with her. This position works especially well for insecure women or after a hard blow. Being on top gives them a drop of power after being told, “I don’t love you, and I don’t know if I ever did.” Although beware: this can lead to penis crushing. 4. Sideways: Gently whisper in her ear that it isn’t working out. This softens the blow by keeping things intimate. Make sure to use your hands to softly stroke along her body as you explain how you find her annoying and can’t stand her friends or her parents. 5. Pregnancy Position: Make sure to leave a legacy before you leave. Impregnate her by fucking on an angle and check that she holds her legs up to her chest after copulation to ensure insemination. Tell her things like “I want to start a family but not with you” and “Just trying to spread my seed!”. She’ll understand, especially if she's in her mid-thirties.
A HelpFul Hint for Valentines Day from the Medium Human Resource Department By: Howard R. Hickenbottom Hey Kids, this is the HR Director of The Medium Howard R. Hickenbottom with a good hint for you young lovers of Valentine’s day. Now I know that this is an emotional time for you youngins but you have to remember; you cannot kidnap people and call that dating. It is not a romantic gesture, it is a felony. I’m looking at you Greek life. Ok now have fun, safe and legal.
Come to a Medium Meeting; unless you're a pussy. Pussy! Wednesdays @ 8 p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room or Room 109.
February (6)9th, 2022 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPORTS is something but I got COVID after having sex
DAN SNYDER TO CELEBRATE VALENTINE'S DAY BY PUBLISHING LIST OF ALL WOMEN HE HAS BEEN WITH OTHER THAN HIS WIFE DURING MARRIAGE
DAN SNYDER PROUDLY PRESENTING HIS LIST BY NOT ROGER GOODELL
The Washington Commanders have constantly been in the news cycle lately, but generally not for the right reasons. Changing their name
to “The Commanders” last week was supposed to enter the franchise into a new era after decades of calls to end their “Redskins” name, which many deemed was offensive to Native Americans.
But despite the name change, bad press has continued to surround the Washington franchise. News broke this week that Washington Commanders owner Dan Snyder has a say in whether findings from the NFL’s investigation into his franchise can be released. The Commanders are being investigated for a decadeslong toxic work environment, which Snyder has overseen and been a part of. Many women alleged to have been harassed by either Snyder or other Washington executives. Knowing something had to be done to save his and his team’s image, Dan Snyder announced this week that in honor of Valentine’s Day, he will be publishing a list of all the women he has been with since he married his wife. When asked at a press conference why he was opting to publish the list, Snyder explained “I think this is the best way to spread love this
time of year. Sure, maybe this won’t make my wife happy, but it’s the greatest happiness principle right? I have been with so many women, and I want to make the public aware of all my accomplishments - I mean loving ventures.” It was an odd decision, one that sparked a multitude of reactions from around the NFL. Quarterback Deshaun Watson said, “This list seems great. I also want to publish a list of all the women I have made do stuff to me - I mean been with - but I don’t have that much paper.” Recently retired quarterback Tom Brady said “I also want to publish a similar list, but it would be with how many of my kids I have kissed.” At press time, a meeting was happening between NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Snyder, where Snyder was telling Goodell secret tips on how to get with as many women as possible.
3 Prop Bets to Place on Super Beijing Winter Olympics: By the Numbers Bowl LVI BY DEFINITELY NOT ADDICTED TO GAMBLING
Super Bowl LVI is coming up this Sunday. Maybe you
are excited to watch the game, or the commercials, or the halftime show. But the reality is, if you are watching the game without placing a bet or anything, you are a menace to society. To be a functioning member of the community and to not be known as a degenerate loser, it is essential to bet on the Super Bowl in some way. Here are three prop bets to place. 1. 0.5 times one of your family members brings up how players shouldn’t kneel during the national anthem, even if no players are kneeling - take the over here. Sure, this is not a hot button political issue anymore, but this is the only football game your aunt might be watching all year. Seeing the anthem will bring back memories to something she heard on Fox News about how kneeling during the anthem is equivalent to a war crime, so she’ll be sure to bring it up. 2. 3.5 times Odell Beckham Jr. kisses the kicking net during the game - take the over here! Odell hasn’t been romantically involved with the kicking net since his times with the Giants, but don’t be surprised when he restarts the relationship in front of an audience of 100 million. 3. 1.5 hours the halftime show lasts - get on the over here too! Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Kendrick Lamar and Mary J. Blige are all performing. Those are all headliners within themselves (except Snoop Dogg, who generally only does low-level events at places such as SHI Stadium at Rutgers), so give them each half an hour minimum. I expect the halftime show to last longer than the actual game.
BY TIANANMEN SQUARE IS NOT REAL
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10 million
6969
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Ejaculating into Snapple Bottles SINCE 1970