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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
March 2nd, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $6.99 BRO, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING PUT HERE
QUICKIES
KETANJI BROWN JACKSON TO BECOME FIRST BLACK WOMAN KAVANAUGH & BARRETT TALK TO BY HARRY NUTTSACC NOW HAS FOUR NUTS
President Joe Biden made history last Friday when he declared that he was nominating Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court, solidifying himself as the least racist president in United States history. Jackson, a current member of DC's federal appellate court, could make history as the first Black woman to be a member of the Supreme Court if she is confirmed. However, her confirmation will also bring with it another historic first: Jackson might become the first Black woman Justices Brett Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barrett have ever talked to. Many have speculated since Justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement on who would be his replacement; Jackson very quickly became the frontrunner in the process. Early on, Biden was asked
on who he thought was best suited for the position, to which he replied, "Listen, champ. I'm looking to make history. I don't want to just be the president who looks and talks like he had a stroke ten minutes ago. I'm gonna one-up Barack on this one, you better believe it, sport." With
that, it was all but confirmed that Jackson would be his nominee, making Friday's announcement less surprising. However, as the nomination was confirmed, many recognized that Jackson would be the first Black woman either Kavanaugh or Barrett have ever Continued on Page 2
WAS IT WALDO? MUST'VE BEEN WALDO
US INTELLIGENCE DISCOVERS WHO WAS IN PARIS AFTER NEARLY 11 YEARS BY EYANK EAST NOW BEING EPSTEINED
In 2011, Jay Z and Kanye West made headlines when they asked the all-important question: “Who was in Paris?” The duo had begun the investigation, but something interfered that caused them to give up. Instead, they wove careful clues to the progress they had made in their song. The lyric, “motherfuckers wanna find me”, suggested that whoever they were, they knew they were being searched for, while, “What’s fifty grand to a motherfucker like me”, alluded to the mysterious figure being extremely wealthy. The state department at the time made an effort to discover who it was that could terrify two of the most powerful men in the world, but the
case was soon dropped due to a lack of leads. Thankfully, not everyone gave up. A small group at the CIA continued the hunt in secret for several years. It wasn’t until 2020 that the issue would be raised again,
when then President Donald ‘Show Me The Money’ Trump suggested that Hunter Biden’s emails were hiding in Paris that the search once again gained public attention. Although deemed to be offbase, Trump’s ramblings nevertheless Continued on Page 2
Dealing With A Shit Supreme Court Since 1970
World Learns That Putin Wasn't Capping
Rubble In Kyiv Found To Be Worth More Than The Ruble Russian War Boat Fucks Itself Medium Personals Editor Is Just A Banana Man Wishes Ghost of Kyiv Actually Existed Canadian Government To Send Tactical Geese To Ukrainians Paddington Bear Fights Against Russian Bear Correction: Russians Have Invaded Ukraine On 2/22/22 Instead of 2/26/22
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NEWS
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022
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"Fuck Vladimir Putin, that is all."
ALSO DON'T KNOW WHAT TO PUT HERE INSERT SUPREME COURT JOKE HERE... OH WAIT, IT IS A JOKE talked to. still be a doubt as to whether Both Justices, nominated by he fraternized with Kavanaugh Former-President Trump, have and Barrett. We won't be surprised questionable backgrounds, with if the Supreme Court hears a case Kavanaugh being President of soon that makes it illegal for Black the Registered Sex Offenders list women named Ketanji Brown and Barrett getting the job in five Jackson to be judges. minutes without ever having tried a case (RIP RBG). It is unsurprising to many that neither of the two has ever spoken to a Black woman, going so far as to hide under their gowns when Vice President Kamala Harris walks into the room; what is surprising is that they have even spoken to a Black person at all. If it wasn't clear that Justice Clarence Thomas hates all Black people more than George W. (shoutout to Kanye), there would
HIDE YOUR MOTHERFUCKING PICNIC BASKETS
HANK THE TANK FORMS THIEVES GUILD WITH YOGI BEAR BY: MICHAEL C. HAWKE NOW HIDING MY PICNIC BASKET
Recently, the town of South Lake Tahoe, CA was troubled by a series of roughly 20-30 break-ins of homes that were initially blamed on a dummy thicc, 500 pound black bear local to the region, known as Hank the Tank, with local
authorities gearing up to apprehend the troublesome black bear, in fear that it would prove to be a threat to local residents. However, Hank the Tank was proven innocent when DNA evidence uncovered the truth: the break-ins weren’t
IT GETS THE PEOPLE GOING! INSERT WITTY KANYE JOKE HERE garnered more funding. Newly invigorated, the CIA mission was able to look into other claims made in the song. US intelligence was eventually able to determine they must’ve been hiding in the Palace of Versailles’ catacombs based on claims in the original song they discovered that whoever it was must be “hidden behind all these big rocks” and was “watching the throne." All this led to this weekend, when a small group of Navy Seals led a raid through the Paris Catacombs to intercept the organization before they could be allowed to enter their zone. If you’re in Paris right now, that’s what all the shouting the other day
completely his fault, but instead were the fault of a number of other bears. Further investigation has brought up theories that this bunch of bears breaking into homes wasn’t mere coincidence, but rather the result of the formation of a thieves guild between Hank the Tank and another illusive bear thief, one who has become infamous across the United States ever since the late 1950s. The bear thief in question? None other than Yogi Bear. The theory has prompted many to question its validity and reasoning. Why has Yogi Bear suddenly decided to move from his native Jellystone National Park in Wyoming? Why to Northern California of all places? And why do men have nipples? All of this doesn’t fucking matter because, at the end of the day, this is just some stupid-ass story that I, Michael C. Hawke decided to write just to fill in this space
was about. We apparently caught them off guard, because the raid went off without a hitch. Director of the CIA William J. Burns announced Monday morning that the people in Paris had been stopped, and that they were— —What do you mean I can’t write that in a newspaper? That’s a violation of free speech, and I- Wait, stay away! I’ll leave it out, I swear, just don’t hurt me! Not the face not— At press time, President Biden proudly declared “Ladies and gentlemen, gottem.” before donning stunner shades and dabbing.
for the second page of the News section. Anyhow, back to the story. With this being a rather unprecedented set of circumstances, the state of California has settled on a rather drastic solution to the residents of South Lake Tahoe: the hiring of a former park ranger by the name of John Smith, who is well-acquainted with Yogi Bear. Having had numerous encounters with Yogi over the course of his almost 70year career in the National Park Service, he was a natural pick for the job at hand. When asked if he had any comments about the case, Ranger Smith replied, “Yeah, well I’m getting there in age so I’ll be frank with you people, I’m just going to take this shotgun right here and shove it right up Yogi and Hank’s asses. I really don’t have time for this shit anymore. And no, I don't care if it isn't bear season, I just wanna end this and go home."
PLEASE SEND SOME MATERIAL, I CAN BEARLY- AH FUCK TRYING TO EXECUTE THIS PUN. THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARDROOM OR LSC ROOM 109
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Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Kiran Subramanaian Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium Human Resources Dr. H.R. Hickenbottom
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Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche
Doug Willig Kyle Sabin Carlos Domenech Jade Zack Vladimir Putin
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satirical publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is (100% seriously) dedicated to the people of Ukraine. May they give the Russians hell! Slava Ukraini!
FEATURES
Wednesday, March 3rd, 2022 themedium.submissions@gmail.com
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“uwu”
HAPPY NATIONAL WOMEN'S MONTH
Which Dad From the Medium Are You? By: Hugh Janus
I WANT TO LEAVE Top 10 Things To Do Before Graduating By: Harry Nuttsaac
If you’re like me and you’re graduating from this hellscape this semester, you probably want to relive some of your favorite moments here as well as create some new memories. Here’s a bucket list of great things to enjoy here at Rutgers. 10. Fuck a Goose at Skelly Field: I remember fucking my first goose here freshman year. I am sorry, though, for scaring the guys playing soccer nearby. 9. Do Not Step Foot on Busch: I don’t think I need to elaborate. There is one exception to this rule, though, keep reading to find out. 8. Clap Some Cheeks on Livi: what’s better than clapping at that weird clap thing on Livi behind the student center? Clapping some ass at that weird clap thing on Livi behind the student center. 7. Become King of the Coyotes: fight their alpha to the death with your bare hands, give him a warrior’s death, mate with his bitch and eat his children. 6. Go to 16 Handles: the best thing to enjoy after becoming King of the Coyotes. 5. Fuck a Goose at Passion Puddle: turn that goossy into a passion puddle if you know what I’m saying. 4. Go to the Farm: no, I am not going to recommend you fuck animals on the farm. I am going to recommend that you put all the horses down so the pigs can’t get around #ACAB. 3. Die of a Heart Attack at RU Hungry: gorge yourself to the point of cardiac arrest. Make sure you leave it in your will that you want to be cut up and put into your own fat sandwich. 2. Go to a Snoop Dogg Concert at SHI: aww, I’m sorry, did you not go? What a shame, you fucking nerd! Fucking loser! Little biotch! 1. Fuck a Goose on Busch: you’ve fucked the rest, now it’s time to fuck the best.
#BROWNIE
Feelings of Despair at AIR By: The Token Brown Woman
For the few of you that read this paper and are brown, like me, you 100% attended the AIR show recently just to see Jay Sean. Now, I’m not going to lie, I thoroughly enjoyed every single performance, but I was disappointed that not a single group chose to play NAV, the first brown boy to get it poppin’. Like what the actual fuck. How could you disrespect our culture like that? I sat there for a solid 3 hours patiently waiting for “Myself” or “Some Way” to come on. I expected some of the fraternities or sororities to play NAV. This is the root cause of my depression now. All I heard was Drake the entire time. What does Drake have to do with India?? Absolutely nothing. But, anyways, every single fraternity and sorority that performed were the epitome of brownness. I have never seen that many gold chains and balayage hair on stage at once. It was deeply disturbing. I felt like I was going to get hate-crimed by my own race. Thank you for listening to me complaining, uwu.
ARE YOU A WOMAN? BECOME A FEMALE WRITER FOR THE MEDIUM! COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS IN THE LSC BOARD RM (UPSTAIRS) OR LSC 109 ON WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM.
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OPINIONS
"I'm smart but I'm stupid, I'm gay but I'm straight."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How have you been this winter? Has seasonal depression gotten you?
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022
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I CROP-DUST IN WHOLE FOODS, BAAABAY!!!
The Weekly Kira Rant: Holy Fucking Shit I Hate Everything Why Is This Happening BY KIRA AMETHYST
Hello, my dear readers, and welcome to the first entry into the brand new Official Kira Amethyst-penned Opinions Page Rant Series, the Weekly Kira Rant, in which I will be detailing to you all the annoying shit I went through between the previous Weekly Kira Rant and the current one. Why do I write so many rants? Because I have crippling anxiety and "Actually, it's called a fear of emotional intimacy and I compensate by being Seasonal Affective Disorder, brutally, disgustingly, horrifically honest in my writing! not seasonal depression :)" And by writing I mean this paper. So last week manhandled me (nonconsensually) Woam Anistem and called me a slur. Like it literally stuck a pin in my Yas premed, give us toxicology! clit like the Uber app. First of all, my midterm season started EARLY for some godforsaken fucking reason, so "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I had to sit for my first midterm on Thursday, and for HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH all 80 minutes I felt an overwhelming urge to take my [breath] AHHHHHHHHHHHH blue book and suffocate myself with it like Othello did HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" to Desdemona. By the time I handed it in and left the room I felt like someone had taken a handheld vacuum Kyle Sabin, Opinions Editor directly to my coochie lips and powered it on, that's how I'm fine :) fucking drained I was. And THEN, not 48 hours later, I was informed by the closest friend I have here that said friend will be dropping out! Abandoning me to my fate! (1/) I HAD TO TURN A FEATURES PIECE INTO AN Seriously, this knowledge genuinely made me want to kill myself. And this week doesn't seem to be any better! :) 13 Reasons Why You Should Stop Yours truly, the Queen of Queefs, the Scion of Reading My Shit Sideboob, Kira Amethyst. "Honestly, man? I could really use a hug right about now. " Adam Motorcyclist Ostensibly normal guy, gave nice hugs. Would hug again. Hmu baybee
BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE
It's objectively garbage. End of story, now fuck off. ... You're still here? For fuck's sake, read above. I really shouldn't have to emphasize this. ... Seriously, we're still at this? My fucking God man (or woman, or whatever you prefer to be identified as), go get a life or something. ... Okay, I see how it is. You want me to provide more reasoning, I presume? Fine, have it your way. My writing is unoriginal, boring, completely lacking in taste, ugly as all hell, resolutely shit, as well as many, many other fucking things. It has the subtlety of a cinder block slammed on your foot. It is last minute, rushed bullshit, just like the rest of my team's work. It is a war crime. In fact, I should literally be tried for war crimes just for writing this fucking garbage. ... Wait a second... By asking you to stop reading my shit... Wouldn't that require you reading my shit? ... FUCK. I give up. Please, for the love of all that is holy, just stop reading my shit. I fucking beg you.
(2/) OPINIONS PIECE SORRY EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
I'm About to Fling My Shit at People on an EE! BY BAXTER DIXSON
I'm losing my goddamn mind out here! You might not be able to tell from my mild-mannered title, but I'm about to go batshit in this bitch! Y'all aren't fucking ready for me to show you my real self! My real self flings shit at people on the EE! My real self pisses in dudes' laps after I throw myself on top of them with my pants down! My real self likes to cuddle after sex! My real self doesn't use any punctuation other than exclamation marks! You don't fucking know me! That was a question, not a statement, but I'm not about to use some bitchass question mark, you better fucking believe it! My name is Baxter Mother Fucking Dixson, bitch! I'm telling all you motherfuckers, I am ready to fucking go! If you don't want shit in your face and piss on your laps, avoid the fucking EE this week! The moment you think you're safe, I got my pants around my ankles, my cock swinging around, and a hot log in my hand! Cocksuckers better fucking beware, y'all gonna get a faceful when I'm on the EE! The only people safe from my dumps are babies, grannies, and the LGBTQ community; I fuck with all y'all gay motherfuckers for real! Like I literally fuck with gay people, I am a proud bi man! I will fuck dudes and bitches and then get on the fucking EE and shit all over the goddamn place, motherfucker! E.N.: Not ANOTHER fucking Opinions piece about shitting on a fucking bus. Jesus Fucking Christ.
ARTS
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022
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“I'm extremely confused. You're confused? I'm confused, bro.”
NY TIMES TRYING OUT NEW WORDS FOR WORDLE, THEY GOT THE RIGHT GUY FOR THE JOB - WORDLE'S NEWEST HIRE
the Medium
HOLLOWAY TRIES OUT FOR LEXI'S PLAY- ZENDAYA
SITTING ON DADDY'S LAP- AMIT OFEK
TRAVELLING WITH SUGAR DADDY- JARLA
THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF EUPHORIA FUCKED ME UP, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO THINK. ANYONE WITH SEASON 3 THEORIES IS WECOME TO COME TO LSC BOARD ROOM OR LSC ROOM 109 WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00 PM
the Medium WHY
PERSONALS
"I Really Think Rutgers Would Be Better With Fewer Busses"
NO
Can you catch crabs from fucking a fisherman?
Would it be wrong for me to fuck my stepmom?
( If you ask nicely.)
(It’s 2022, open your mind.)
What should I do about the guy throwing shit at everyone on the EE? (Do not look Baxter Dixson in the eyes.) What’s the best way to undress someone with your eyes and have them catch you once their socks are off? (Good question! Fortunately for you I’m an expert at getting caught at undressing people with my eyes. For beginners, try practicing in the mirror or with family and friends. Once you become familiar with the physics of it you can start noticing how someone’s body will alter the time it takes to remove their clothing. Eventually you can take your talents to the outside world! ) Should I use lemon or lime in my jizz salad? (Lemon if you are going for French, lime if you’re feeling South American.) What do I do with a condom once I used it? (Simple, you tie it off and throw it at your roommate.)
What if she was super hot? Like, fucking smoking? Like, “I’m boning up just thinking about it” hot? (Nah smoking hot is outdated. Try vaping hot, then you’re in the clear.) Would Siracha sauce be a good vegan alternative to lube? ( Hell yeah, go for it.) Where is Ukraine? (In two weeks, no where.) Why do I get hard every time I see a TI-84 plus? (It’s probably a Pavlovian response you developed in 8th grade because of your mildly hot math teacher who gave you swedish fish every month.) Can I get the number of the Rollerblading Banana Guy? (If you can catch me I’m legally obligated to give it to you.) How far should the chopsticks get up my urethra? (As far as you can take it. If you bleed, it lubricates it.)
Word of the Week:
Motorboatalicious adj. to describe a set of mommy milkers or juicy behind that make you wanna go "hublublublublub."
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PEEPEE
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2022
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3/2: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
Are there consequences for fucking the geese? (You create the first Canadian-American hybrid.) Why does Professor Tsakalakos think it’s ok to assign us this much homework? (This is a fair question, and there are many theories amongst the multiverse about this. Here are several that I took a particular liking to. The first - because Professor Tsakalkos of Mechanical Properties of Materials thinks so fast that to him time is dilating and answering 14 pages of homework seems entirely reasonable. The second - Professor Tsakalakos is responsible for maintaining the timeline and the only way to do it is by preventing us from having kids. The professor knows that one of the students that took his class in the previous 40 years has the potential to give birth to a person so smart that they will create time travel. Unfortunately, he was never told which of his students it would be, so he has to waste all of our time to be sure. We never know why Professor Tsakalakos does what he does and I believe we never will. All we know is that he is a dick.) The couch in the Silvers apartment makes a weird noise when I masturbate to it. How do I ask it to keep it down without hurting its feelings? (Well, many things make noises when they are sexually aroused and it’s important that all parties involved are comfortable and safe with all auditory stimulations in the room. However, it is equally important to remember that during sexual encounters people are vulnerable and exposed. By telling the couch that you do not like the noises it’s making you might make it retract and feel unwanted. Think about how you would feel if someone told you that they didn’t like how you wiggled your left toe after you orgasm? I bet that would
Hire A White Person By : A Brown Person
Are you ever stuck and need some help? Well now’s your lucky day! Introducing “hire a white person!” Eating at a restaurant and just don’t like the food but you’re too much of a pussy to complain? Well, let me introduce you to our Karen division. They will work to make sure that your needs are heard. For an extra cost, we can make sure that they yell at the people filming you and guarantee a refund. Having trouble with the law? Don’t worry, head to our Kent department and we’ll find you the white guy that can represent you in court. We can guarantee a decrease by 5-10 years in your sentencing along with a kiss on the cheek from the judge. We get it, life can be hard and you need a little white privilege in your life. If you want to hire a white person, contact themedium.submissions@gmail. hurt. So when you are trying to improve the sexual experience of everyone around make sure you start with the positive, give constructive criticism and then end by reminding the coach that no matter what, you will still enjoy masturbating to it, no matter the noises it makes.)
HI! I <3 YOU JOIN... UWU
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PAGE A7
"Putin can suck a cock"
the Medium
We Stand With Ukraine
Give The Russians Hell Boys
An Interview with the Women of The Medium
Easy Dorm Pizza Dough
By Harry Nuttsaac HN: So, how do you feel about it being Women’s History Month? Kristina: I am so excited. All the ladies get to line up and get their coochies sucked by these fucking losers. Get in line, fuckers! HN: What is it like to have rights finally? Steph: I plan on using my rights for evil. I’m gonna drive into oncoming traffic. I’ve gonna have sex outside of marriage and give everyone AIDS. I’m gonna vote for Republicans. I am the cause of climate change. HN: Does The Medium treat their female writers well? Jade: Most of the men at The Medium tend to huddle into a corner and shiver in fear when women are near. Sometimes, a brave one will come out and stick his hand out, looking for approval like in Planet of the Apes. HN: How are you going to celebrate Women’s History Month? Kelly: I’m gonna show my appreciation for women
This Is Real. Please Answer This Calling All Rutgers Students! Are you a student worker? Have you considered being a student worker? Here is an opportunity to voice your complaints and hold Rutgers accountable! Fill out this 3-minute survey so we can make Rutgers work for us!
By P. I. Sanno
Hey, fam, do you want pizza, but you live on Cook/ Douglass/Livingston? Are you depressed because there are literally ZERO pizza options on those campuses? Well, lucky for you, I have the recipe to make the best fucking pizza dough you’ll ever eat, courtesy of Adam Ragusea. You don’t need a pizza oven; we’re only going to use common things you’d find around a dorm. Ingredients: 1 cup bread or all-purpose flour (Not flower, you hopeless romantic you) 1/2 tsp salt (We don’t use semen here, your diet will alter the taste) 1/2 tsp sugar (I can’t think of a joke for sugar) 1/2 tsp active dry yeast (Ladies?) 1/4 tsp garlic powder (Optional if you don’t want your food to taste good) 2 teaspoons olive oil (Raw olives do not work, I’ve tried) 1/2 cup cow’s milk (Or water. Or breast milk???????????????) Now, just mix all the ingredients together into a shaggy, sticky dough. Knead it until it passes the windowpane test (enough light should pass through without the dough breaking to see through it). Let it rise, covered, for a couple of hours in a warm place. When you’re ready, stretch it into a 10 inch (ladies?) non-stick pan (btw, it’s for pan pizza), and let it rise again for 0.5-1 hours. Cook the dough on the stovetop over medium heat until the bottom has browned to your liking. If you’re melting cheese over it (like for the proverbial pan pizza), put it under the broiler for 2 minutes max. Otherwise, brown
Come to a Medium Meeting. Unless you're a pussy. Pussy! Wednesdays @ 8 p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room or Room 109.
March 2nd, 2022 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPORTS and SPORTS and DONALD TRUMP is my dad
69 YEAR OLD NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS HEAD COACH BILL BELICHICK TO WORK OUT AT NFL COMBINE
BILL BELICHICK POWER WALKING ON A TRACK IN PREPARATION FOR THE COMBINE BY GHOST OF THOMAS EDWARD PATRICK BRADY JR.
In a statement released Tuesday, New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick announced that he would
be working out at this week’s NFL combine in Indianapolis. Despite the fact that the event is usually reserved for college players in their lower-twenties looking to be drafted into
the NFL, Belichick decided to enter the event anyway. The thought of a 69 year old coach performing activities generally reserved for professional athletes was odd, but intriguging. Seeing Belichick participate in the forty-yard dash, vertical jump, bench press, shuttle run, and other drills was likely to be a sight to see. Many speculated why Belichick was entering this event, when he had no chance whatsoever of being drafted. ESPN Medical Information Theft Adam Schefter had some insight. He reported late Tuesday that the reason Belichick was entering the Combine was due to the depression he was having after his former quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement. Schefter said, “Belichick could not handle the idea that Brady would no longer be playing in the NFL. To
overcome his sadness, he decided he is going to try to enter the league himself, to fill Brady’s void.” Sportsbooks were quick in setting over/ unders for Belichick’s performance times at the combine. Caesar’s Sportsbook set Belichick’s forty-yard dash time at 20.5 seconds, and his bench press at 10.5 pounds. Living God Stephen A. Smith was quick to give his betting advice. “Bill will be absolutely, positively, awfully terrible at this event! Bet the under in every category.” Others in the sports world were more confident in Belichick's abilities. Skip Bayless proclaimed that "he will run the forty-yard dash in three seconds!" Tom Brady was too busy deflating footballs and kissing his children to respond to requests for comment.
Eight Ways I Know No One Reads Rutgers Men's Basketball Season: By the Numbers This Weekly Sports Page BY AN ACTUAL BASKETBALL
BY FACE
Every week, I write this entire sports page for The Medium. I spend seconds and seconds attempting to make the page have somewhat quality content that people would be entertained by. But I am beginning to wonder why I put effort into this. I know for a fact that no one reads this sports page (and this paper as a whole really). Here are eight reasons why. 1. I published an article last week saying the Olympics should be extended so Russia, Ukraine, and the United States should engage in a water balloon fight, and no one complained. No one got mad. No one said anything. 2. I published my literal phone number in an article last semester, and less than five people texted me. 3. I’ve published articles about Rutgers President JOHNATHAN Holloway spelling Jonathan wrong and not a single reader noticed. 4. 20 5. My constant penis/sex references in places where they are not necessary are never commented on. 6. 9 7. RUSA has never contacted us to tell us that our funding is going to be pulled. If RUSA ever read this sports page (or this paper in general), they would pull our funding immediately. 8. I don’t really have any more reasons, and I think that goes on to further prove that I am not a qualified author. And if you have read this far into this article, you are a very odd individual, as you are one of the only individuals to ever actually read this page. That isn’t really an accomplishment, you should be ashamed for reading this garbage.
A lot
A lot
of losses against really bad teams
of wins against really good teams
0
0
people who know for sure if they will make March Madness
students who are able to get tickets to games at Jersey Mike’s Arena after the initial claim
Many
Jonathan
people who are upset that this article lacks sexual/ inappropriate jokes
Committing Occasional Crimes SINCE 1970
Holloway