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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
March 23rd, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $6.99 FUCK THIS SHIT, I'M UNICYCLING TO WORK
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BIDEN DUMPS PUTIN AS DEALER, MADURO NOW POTENTIAL PLUG BY: MICHAEL C. HAWKE FUCK GAS IS EXPENSIVE
Reports have come in from Venezuela recently that as a result of Joe Biden placing sanctions on Russian oil in response to their highly controversial invasion of Ukraine, the administration has begun searching for alternative options to make up for the sudden supply gap, with White House officials being seen in Caracas meeting with Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro. The subject of the meeting focused on the matter of lifting current sanctions from the impoverished nation in order for the United States to secure a steady secure source of oil within the next couple years. In exchange for lifting the sanctions, some of the terms discussed on the part of the Venezuelans would include releasing several CITGO workers from subbing in Venezuelan
prisons, getting some dummy thick bribes on the side from various American energy companies, alongside having another reliable location to offshore the money of numerous CEOs and billionaires. Why Venezuela instead of, say, Canada, another prominent
oil supplier? According to various reports from within the White House, the few White House officials that traveled to Canada in order to encourage further oil trade between the United States and Canada were promptly chased away by a flock of tactical Continued on Page 2
GODDAMN, CAILLOU'S MOM IS LOOKING FINE AS FUCK
PBS TO REBRAND AS PORN BROADCASTING SERVICE BY HARRY NUTTSACC JACKING OFF TO CAILLOU'S MA
Following continued defunding by Republicans, PBS, the Public Broadcasting Service, has decided to conduct a major overhaul in order to stay relevant. The new network will keep its acronym but will now be recognized as the Porn Broadcasting Service, altering its shows to fit within this theme. The primary directive of the programming on PBS for many years has been public education, both for adults and children alike. Most of the existing children's shows on PBS are centered around teaching kids how to read and write or about the world around them; now, the shows on PBS are going to center around fucking. The currently-running programs on
PBS have already been amended in order to entice a broader audience: Wild Kratts, originally about two brothers playing with animals, will now be Wild Skatts, a show about two brothers playing with each others' assholes; Curious George will remain curious, but less about the people in his neighborhood and
more about the cocks and pussies of his neighbors. Old shows that have been off the air for some time will also get a redesign, according to an executive at PBS, so that the channel still has reruns to air: Martha Speaks is easy enough to change into Martha Streaks as the dog was Continued on Page 2
Sucking Dick For Gas Money Since 1970
After Ukranian Invasion, NATO Applications Increase By 9000% Polish PM Says To Putin, "Fuck Around And Find Out." Oil At $420.69 Per Barrel China Gives Ukranians $69 And Pocket Lint Next Week: An Exclusive Interview Between The Medium And Lil Nas X Notre Dame Revealed To Be More Irish Than Ireland Bisexual Confused, Unsure Of Whether They Want To Have Sex With Batman or Catwoman
the Medium
NEWS
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
"For the 2nd time, fuck Vladimir Putin."
ALSO DON'T KNOW WHAT TO PUT HERE
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EPISODE #69: MR. RATBURN GETS RAILED
INSERT WITTY OIL JOKE HERE ...continued from front INSERT BUDGET CUT JOKE HERE Canadian geese, with a letter at least he ain’t invading naked to begin with; however, from PM Justin Trudeau later anyone, right? Now, how about the changes in some programs being sent to the White House, some ice cream?” will require additional work, saying, “Sorry for the geese. Please As of now, no further like making all of the claymation leave our oil alone. Thank you!” information has come from figures in Rubbadubbers masturbate When one of our reporters the White House regarding in the new show I'm Rubbin My asked Biden why he was Venezuela, though some have Dubber. considering lifting Venezuelan theorized that within the next few The Medium reached out sanctions, he said, “Look man, days, Biden may forget the matter, to several of the proponents for after what those Russians did to and proceed to make further defunding PBS to see if they were the Ukranians, I couldn’t allow dealing with the Saudis. satisfied with the change and if this this country to continue buying was their intended outcome. Mike Russkie oil, you know, jack? I Pence told us, "I'm happy to let figured, ‘Hey, if we’re gonna have children see any number of their to find an unethical source just like favorite characters doing lewd ourselves now that the Russkies things, so long as it's all straight are gone, we might as well turn stuff." Ted Cruz said, "As soon as to our old buddies south of the I saw the gay rat on Arthur, I knew border.’ Sure, Maduro is just as I would someday make it a show horrible to his people as Putin, but about animals sexily covering
HOW INFLATION HAS RUINED MY FINANCIAL (AND MUSCULAR) GAINS!
THE FOMC'S NEW MEETING IS ABOUT REVIVING PAUL VOLCKER BY: FRED ESEREVE USING DOLLAR BILLS AS WALLPAPER
Americans are worried about the economy as inflation has hit an all time high of 7.7%, meaning that any wage gains that happened due to the pandemic and r/ antiwork have been erased. Essentially, the 70s have come back but instead of the
disco and lawn darts, we got stagflation. Naturally, much of the political pressure has been put on the Federal Reserve (The Fed). Many in the Fed are concerned about how to handle this. Chairman of the Federal Reserve Jerome Powell told The
Medium, “For years, I thought we could just have an easy money policy and just lower interest rates. Now I have no idea what to do.” Instead of raising interest rates aggressively to curb some of the borrowing and trying to sell assets, Powell has offered an alternative. At the March 15th FOMC meeting, Powell explained that it was time to enact the Volcker Resolution. Soon, reporters noticed a shadowy figure standing around the Eccles Building. The realization was made that the Volcker Resolution was about reviving Paul Volcker, the former Chairman of the Federal Reserve during the Carter and Reagan Administration. When asked about the appearance of Volcker, Powell came clean, telling The Medium that, “I just couldn’t do it, I love having an easy money policy, so I decided to outsource it.” This revival of Paul Volcker has drawn some interesting
...continued from front
each other in butter. I know my daughter Caroline is gonna love Butter." Mitch McConnell told us, "They can show whatever they want so long as poor brown people don't learn nothing."
reactions. Stephanie Kelton, a proponent of Modern Monetary Theory, the idea that you can just print money until you drop, told The Medium, “Dude, inflation is a figment of your imagination. There is no way that inflation presents a threat to any Americans.” With Volcker’s revival, there are a few questions to be asked. Will Volcker replace Powell as Chairman of the Federal Reserve? Can I now marry a dead person? Is it wrong to marry a dead person? We may not know the answers now, but rest assured that The Medium will be providing answers to these burning questions.
HEY, COULD YOU SEND SOME GAS MONEY ALONGSIDE SOME MATERIAL? PLEASE? THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARDROOM OR LSC ROOM 109
Editorial Staff
Spring 2022
Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Kiran Subramanaian Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium Human Resources Dr. H.R. Hickenbottom
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor
Carlos Domenech Kristina Patel Kyle Sabin Amit Ofek John Mahoney
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche
Doug Willig Kyle Sabin Carlos Domenech Jade Zack Still Vladimir Putin
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satirical publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is, once again, (100% seriously) dedicated to the people of Ukraine. Slava Ukraini!
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FEATURES
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“I wish it was the 1920s”
IN HONOR OF WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH
Asstrology- Which Famous Female Murder Are You? By: Harry Nuttsaac
Is there a better way to celebrate Women’s History Month than by looking over the accomplishments of some of the most infamous women in history? Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Atkins, Van Houten, and Krenwinkle. All three were part of the Manson Family, and their Aries-like eagerness and competitiveness solidified them all in the annals of history. Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Tillie Klimek. She murdered each of her husbands after psychically predicting their deaths. You can count on a Taurus to kill each of their husbands and come up with such a creative way to do it. Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): Katherine Knight. She worked at a slaughterhouse and later used her skills to kill and skin her boyfriend before cooking him in a stew for her kids. You’re always thinking of others and can use your skills for anything you put your mind to. Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): Evelyn Dick. Dick killed her husband and infant but made sure to protect the dead baby in a suitcase. You like to protect those closest to you but are sentimental enough to keep them as souvenirs. Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): Aileen Wuornos. She picked up six different hitchhikers and killed them all in self-defense. Just like Wuornos, you have the confidence to keep picking up hitchhikers after they keep attacking you and the fire to kill them. Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Leonarda Cianciulli. She was batshit and thought she needed to sacrifice people to keep her children healthy. Just like a Virgo, Cianciulli was smart and practical, making sure to turn her victims into soap. Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): Nannie Doss. Nicknamed the Giggling Granny, Doss murdered as many as 12 of her relatives, including five husbands and four children. She never lost her spark and upbeat attitude, though, just like you. Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): Andrea Yates. She murdered all five of her children by drowning them one at a time. Her strength and dedication to murdering babies give her Scorpio energy. Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Velma Barfield. “Death Row Granny” killed her mom and two of her husbands with poisoned food. You’re generous enough to feed your victims and you appreciate a good joke, like poisoning your dumb fucking husbands. Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Juana Barraza. Barraza was a Mexican wrestler turned old-lady killer. You’re a badass bitch who doesn’t need a man to beat up and rob grandmas. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Dorothea Puente. She made a racket by killing residents of her boarding house and collecting their social security checks. Only an Aquarius could come up with such an original get-rich-quick scheme. Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Amy Archer-Gilligan. She worked in a nursing home and may have euthanized as many as 60 patients. Just like Amy, you care enough to kill.
HAHAHA YOU'RE A LOSER
5 Things I Know You Did Over Break By: Your Mom
1. You did not sit in your room for the entire week and watch Netflix and sleep on repeat. You most likely have bottles filled with “lemonade” in your room because you didn’t want to interact with your family whatsoever. 2. You definitely did not study for any of the midterms you have coming up. You most likely told yourself before the break that you were going to catch up on lectures, but whoops! 3. You totally told your friends that you’d hang out with them, but when the time came to actually hang out, you were “sick”. 4. You avidly paid attention to March Madness stats, just for Rutgers’ season to end. 5. You waited until a new issue of the Medium came out. IT'S NO NYTIMES BUT IT'LL DO
DEAR READER, MANY OF YOU WERE EXCITED TO SEE THE CROSSWORD THAT OUR FEATURES EDITOR WORKED HARD TO CREATE. UNFORTUNATLY, DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFCULTIES YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED CROSSWORD HAS BEEN REMOVED. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS GREAT DISSATISFACTION. WITH THIS ADDITONAL SPACE, I AM GOING TO RANT: WHY ISN'T THE MOON MADE OF CHEESE, I BELIEVE THAT NASA IS HIDING SOMETHING FROM US, CONSIDERING THAT THE ORIGINAL FOOTAGE OF THE MOON LANDING HAS BEEN DELETED. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GODDAMN POTHOLES IN THIS COUNTRY. THE A7 EDITOR SAID THAT HE WOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT AND JUST FIX EVERY POTHOLE IN THE COUNTRY. I WOULD VOTE FOR HIM IN A HEARTBEAT AND I HOPE YOU DO AS WELL ! ANYWAY, MY CO-EDITOR-IN-CHIEF IS BEGGING ME TO STOP SO I AM GOING TO STOP. GOOD LUCK AND GOOD NIGHT! - A TIRED MEDIUM WRITER DO YOU LIKE DRUGS? BECAUSE I DO! COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS IN THE LSC BOARD RM (UPSTAIRS) OR LSC-109 ON WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM FOR ALL THE DRUGS YOU COULD IMAGINE. NO LIKE ACTUALLY. HEHE
the Medium
OPINIONS "I want my pussy to smell bad."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How was your spring break? Did you do anything fun? "Yeah I had a great time! I died lol" Becky, from Frelinghuysen I wish I could relate, girly
"Bro I got back and saw my roommate and I projectile vomited all over his sheets." John from Hardenburgh That is so slay of you girly "Have you heard of the hit game Among Us?" Jake Logan from Quad 1 Girly that was so 2020
THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP MY PREDECESSOR
Is My Friend Wrong For Refusing to Name Her First-Born Fleebo? BY HARRY NUTTSAAC
I know what you're thinking: Fleebo is clearly a girl's name; what if the child is a boy? If that is the case, the boy should be named Booboo. This "friend" refused on both accounts, regardless. Immediately, total fucking bitch alert. If you're not willing to permanently curse your own child with a dumb name as a joke you can't be a good friend. I approached the conversation by telling her that I loved the names Booboo and Fleebo for a child but will never have the chance to use them because I plan on kicking every baby I see for the rest of my life, so even if I did have kids of my own they wouldn't last long. My friend was sympathetic and I asked her if she'd be willing to name her first-born child or the first child she had after I died Booboo or Fleebo and she refused. It's not because she's opposed to a baby named Fleebo (she didn't say that but who could not like Fleebo?) She said that she knew if she made that promise I would kill myself instantly to guarantee she would have to use Fleebo or Booboo (she is right, of course). Is my friend wrong for not making this promise? Because I think she's a total bitch. Whatever, I'll trick somebody into making that promise so I can kill myself and ditch them with a baby with a dumbass name, kinda like a reverse Rumpelstiltskin. You know what, one of you should name your son Booboo or your daughter Fleebo. Just FYI, Booboo is a boy's name because B is for boy and Fleebo is for girls because F stands for female.
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
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CALL THE FUCKING HR DEPARTMENT N O W
The Weekly Kira Rant: Um, Actually, This Week Was Pretty Okay BY KIRA AMETHYST
Hello, my dear readers, and welcome to the long-awaited second installment of the Weekly Kira Rant, in which I, your host, Kira Amethyst, the Queen of Queefs and Edging Extraordinaire, take you, the reader, on a wonderful journey through the trials and tribulations of my remarkable life. Except, um, this past week of spring break was so utterly unremarkable that I have no idea what I am supposed to write for this article! I promise I am not trying to flex my extravagant, privileged, sex-packed laid-back life. But I literally have nothing wrong in my life right now! I got A's on all my exams, and I have a line of incredibly 6/10 boys lined up outside my door to get a chance, one single chance, to press my panini into its ushy gushy Greek glory. Maybe I will entertain one of them for more than thirty seconds. But then again, no man that lasts thirty seconds in this panini is worth entertaining. It's Women's History Month, after all; I will only be entertaining men who last a whole forty seconds in this panini. What else can I fill this incredibly milquetoast and mediocre Opinions piece with. How about I spend the rest of this space talking about how much I respect, admire, and love my Editor-in-Chiefs, who would never, ever, ever get mad at me for writing a really shitty Opinions piece, nope, they would never get mad at me for filling my page with the most plain, boring shit imaginable. Nope! IS ATTEMPTING TO RUB MY SHOULDERS PLS
What I Did During Spring Break BY ASK YOUR MOM
Spring break... a time for spending money that you do not have and wallowing in self-pity. Well, not for me at least. While everyone else at Rutgers was busy being a stupid little drunk-ass bitch on a beach somewhere this past week, I was literally saving the world. I spent my valuable time giving back to the people by helping those experiencing homelessness and food insecurity, while simultaneously making sure my peers’ egos did not get too big by putting them down and making them feel inferior to me. Yeah, that’s right, I AM better than you, so fuck off. So the next time you want to take a break and think about yourself, don’t. Instead think about me. I gave up my precious time to be better than all of you fucktards, so you better be grateful. I am now your queen. Bow down to me. <3
Editor's Note: okay, so, the person who wrote the above piece apparently has no idea how long an Opinions piece needs to be, and thus I am forced to write an extremely long and elaborate Editor's Note to fill the space for them! Holy fucking shit you guys, Opinions pieces need to be 250 words! Sincerely, your beloved and accomodating Opinions Editor, Kyle <3 <3 <3
ARTS
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
“No, no, no, no, no. Listen. Listen.”
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - UR MOM
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ROCK BAGEL - A FELLOW NEW JERSIAN
THIS IS CUNTROVERSIAL - PP HARDING
YOU WANNA SEE A REALLY COOL AND FUNNY VIDEO? IF YOU DO, YOU SHOULDCOME TO LSC BOARD ROOM OR LSC ROOM 109 WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00 PM! YOU WON'T REGRET IT ;)
PERSONALS
the Medium Stuff.
How many inches of a dragon dilbo could you fit in your ass? (13 on a bad day baby.)
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2020
"Enternal Suffering, now in a readable format" -Joe Pesci themedium.submissions@gmail.com
Things.
How many Bitcoins for a night with your wife?
(I only accept Mediumcoin™, the brand new MeHow should I get into dium cryptocurrency! To the moon!) NFTs? Don’t. We need to start Why is The Medium in funging those damn tokens. black and white? Why are there so (We are dead broke and many damn people at cannot afford to print in Rutgers? color, please venmo me (Rutgers has a crack team directly to help alleviate of con-artists and scam- this situation. This is a cry mers on their marketing for help.) team, their ability to make My roommate keeps on the school seem more high- shaving his balls while im class and prestigious is un- in the room. He does this matched.) every day at 5:30 AM and Help! I got my cock (and keeps screaming, “Gotta balls) stuck in the Camp- trim the garden!” over and bell Hall pool table! Any over while doing it, how do advice? I tell him that this makes (Been there, just relax and me uncomfortable? enjoy the ride, you may (Stop complaining about find it's a more enjoyable me to The Medium, Greg.) experience than you may Which radio station expect.) should I join on campus? When will your parents (HAHAAHAHAHA RAget divorced? (Depends on when you make DIO??? WHAT ARE YOU A 40 YEAR-OLD MAN? your move! Good luck!) GET SPOTIFY OR SOMECan I cosplay as Barack THING YOU OLD BAG!!!) Obama at this year's Comic Con without get- Can you help me with the crossword? ting canceled? (Depends on how white you (The answers are on the are, and how much bronzer next page, nerd.) you plan to apply for it.)
Word of the Week:
Deez
n. Slang for "These." usually followed by comedic joke about testicles.
WE ARE IN YOUR WALLS, AND IN ROOM 109 IN LSC ON WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM!
Questions.
Should I join The Medium? Seems like fun! (HAHAAHAH NEWSPAPER??? WHAT ARE YOU A 40-YEAR OLD MAN? GET YOUR NEWS ON SOCIAL MEDIA OR SOMETHING YOU OLD BAG!!) Why does this paper still exist?
3/32: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
(Your guess is as good as mine!) Who is The Medium’s favorite live-action SpiderMan? (We all unanimously agree that the Japaneese SpiderMan with the mech suit and gun is the best live-action portrayal. They truly captured the true nature of Spider-Man, as an “Emissary from hell” - Real quote.) Best place to pop your pussy on campus? (Brower commons.) Why do you guys answer so many questions every issue? (We care about our audience and want to help in any way we can, also we need to fill space. That's the main reason.) How much money does the average Medium writer make? (A high six figures, all deposited into an offshore account under the name of President Halloway.) When is The Medium doing a review on The Batman? (Never, we at The Medium do not support multi-billions who would rather play dress-up than really help the people, besides ourselves, as we all make obscene amounts of money and dress up as bananas.) If I show my mediocre collarbone to girls, will they finally talk to me? (I do not think the problem is your collarbone, you ugly ass mofo, yeah you, you ugly bitch, take a shower pussy. ) Well, how many more questions can you answer? (Just this one.) How do I erections?
get
better
(Take baby aspirin, for the blood flow.)
WE DO BE IN THE BOARD ROOM/ROOM 109 AT LSC AT 8PM ON WEDNESDAYS! JOIN US, AIGHT?
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2022
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PAGE A7
" Scotland has two football teams, Scotland and however plays England"
Making Amends
The last paragraphs of A7 from the previous issue By a very hungover Spunky McGee Hey Folks, it’s good ole Spunky here, the always loyal A7 editor with an apology. During the last issue, I made the mistake of mixing formatting my page with cheap wine, and I forgot to add the last paragraphs of two of the articles. I apologize for fucking up. Their full stories deserve to be told, So to make it right, here are the final paragraphs in their entirety. An Interview with the Women of The Medium By Harry Nuttsaac HN: How are you going to celebrate Women’s History Month? Kelly: I’m gonna show my appreciation for women by kissing as many as I can. I’m gonna smooch them right on the lips (either kind); that’s what Susan Boobs Anthony would have wanted. Easy Dorm Pizza Dough By P. I. Sanno Now, just mix all the ingredients together into a shaggy, sticky dough. Knead it until it passes the windowpane test (enough light should pass through without the dough breaking to see me through it). Let it rise, covered, for a couple of hours in a warm place. When you’re ready, stretch it into a 10 inch (Ladies?) non-stick pan (btw, it’s for pan pizza), and let it rise again 0.5-1 hour. Cook the dough stovetop over medium heat until the bottom has browned to your liking. If you’re melting cheese over it (like for the proverbial pan pizza), put it under the broiler for 2 minutes max. Otherwise, brown the other side and top with toppings if desired. And that’s it. Easy, delicious, dorm doable.
If you are reading this you are most likely fucked up and mentally disturbed. If this is true then you are perfect for The Medium. Meetings on Wednesdays at 8 pm at The Livingston Student Center room 109 or the board
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My computer is about to die, finish
Even more selected excerpts from The Medium human resources file. By Howard R. Hickenbottom The backlash to my work as the Human resources director has become extreme. I have received death threats to my address, followed in my car, and even have been physically attacked. I will not be stopped in my mission. Here are more instances that I have chronicled in the HR file 690. Ben Dover asked Micheal C. Hawke if he wanted to fuck 19. Harry Nuttsacc rubbed his nipples during a phone call 5. Ben Cum told Anita Manda Hugankiss that playing the trumpet made him good at sucking dick 28. Harry Nuttsacc called P.I. Sanno a “Bassett hound for dick cheese.” 47. Harry Nuttsacc told PP Harding that their “ass looked like loose meat in a plastic bag.” 73. Ben Dover told Sasha Sirhan to open her mouth with a picture of a dick pointed at her.
I love having writers I Am An American Hero by Anita Manda Hugankiss It can be said a certainty of man That we are not put on this earth to kneel We strive and stride and fight and scrap and plan And soldier on with our resolves of steel So on one dark May night with buddies true A challenge was thrown down from up on high And I received with grace that divine cue Preparing myself with a somber sigh With stoic face I lifted up my drink And with a hero's might I left it there And took my clothes off in span of a blink On bounding to the road without a care I took a shit right on my neighbor's lawn As free and righteous as a newborn fawn
March 23rd, 2022 There should be social media info here and other sutff, but instead I've replaced it with this very useful sentence. SPORTS are games that we play but only sometimes to the death
FOLLOWING NCAA TOURNAMENT SUCCESS, SAINT PETER'S PEACOCKS TO CHANGE NAME TO LONG COCKS
THE LONG COCKS NEW LOGO, TWO DILDOS WITH A PICTURE OF JESUS ON THE SIDE TO REPSENT THE SCHOOL'S JESUIT VALUES. BY JONATHAN/SHAHEEN HOLLOWAY
After
pulling off shocking defeats against Kentucky and Murray State in the first two rounds of the NCAA Men’s Basketball
Tournament, the Saint Peter’s Peacocks men’s basketball team received widespread national media attention. To ride on this newfound fame, the team
Rutgers Beats Out Penn State As Target For Nuclear Annihilation BY: ANOTHER SPORTS WRITER?
Since entering the Big Ten in 2014, Rutgers has been in the shadow of their rival, Penn State. Well, ‘rival’ is a strong word; we haven’t beaten Penn State in a football game since narrowly edging them out in… 1988? It’s been 33 fucking years? How did they even let us into the— calm down, ano, it’s just a statistic. Just a completely bULLSHIT STATISTIC WHAT THE FUCK! NONE OF YOU FUCKS WERE EVEN BORN WHEN WE LAST BEAT THEM! Although it’s been two generations since the progenitors of college football last beat the denizens of Center County in a college football game, we have the one W they’ll never get: Russia considers us a more valuable Nuclear target! That’s right, Russia is more likely to wipe our asses off the fucking map, according to FEMA, than even look at Penn State. I don’t know about you, but my ass desperately needs wiping. This data comes from a speculative map put out by FEMA in 2017 which has recently resurfaced in the wake of Putin’s latest hissyfit. We’re not the only Big 10 institution to make the list according to FEMA, either! Madison, who has only beaten PSU twice in their last 10 games, is another prime target, alongside fellow B1G newcomer Maryland. Head coach Greg Schiano joked that “The football team is positively glowing, and that’s before the fallout!” He also added that if Russia razes Rutgers to the ground, he’ll get a respectable raise, too. Needless to say, Penn State is outraged. “It’s just disrespectful,” claimed Sandy Barbour, director of athletics for the university, “We produced one of the winningest coaches in sports history, and they don’t have the common decency to obliterate us. I guess 400 wins doesn’t mean what it used to.” SHI Stadium has yet to be reduced to rubble as of press time.
announced Tuesday that ahead of the Sweet 16, they would be changing their team nickname from the “Peacocks'' to the “Long Cocks.” The University hosted a press conference the same day to publicize the decision. At the presser, Saint Peter’s Head Coach Shaheen Holloway explained, “I got some tough guys on this team from New Jersey and New York City, man. You really think we could continue playing with the name of a weak-ass animal like a Peacock? By changing our name to the Long Cocks, opponents will know we are swinging nine-inch long johns every game before we even step on the court.” Reaction from the Saint Peter’s community was mostly supportive. However, one notable
dissenting voice was Long Cocks junior guard Doug Edert. “Everyone already knows I got the biggest dick on this team. We don’t need a name change to prove that.” Regardless of Edert’s complaints, the team will be going forth with the name change, and announced a logo change as well. Replacing the former logo of a blue peacock will be a pink dildo with Jesus’s face along the side of it, to reinforce the program’s Jesuit identity and values. The Long Cocks will take on the Purdue Boilermakers in the Sweet 16 on Friday at 7 PM. All eyes will be watching to see if any cocks get stuck in boilers during the matchup. The game will be broadcasted on PornHub, Xvideos, Xhamster, Xnxx, and Coolmathgames.
NBA All-Star Weekend: By the Numbers BY: PROFESSIONAL DUNK JUDGE DWYANE WADE
Many
Not Many
Happy Packers fans that Aaron Rodgers stayed in Green Bay
Happy Packers fans after Davante Adams was traded
1 million
69
Questions the Browns will have to answer from the media about why they signed Deshaun Watson
100% Percentage of the Seahawks fanbase that cried after Russell Wilson was traded
The Master of Bating SINCE 1970
The age Tom Brady will be when he finally retires (just kidding, he’ll play forever)
Cocks Fletcher