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March 2nd 2016
Volume LI Issue VI 50¢ WE PRINT TUESDAY MORNINGS
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES WIN PARTY NOMS BY WACKADOODLE O'NALLY CUB REPORTER
'MURICA—Tuesday evening, (Republican candidate) won the nomination for Republican candidate, much to the surprise of (obscure demographic) all over the country. (Female Jewish name) of Highland Park recalled last night’s political news coverage. “Oy, it was such a (Yiddish word)! As soon as (Republican candidate) won the (state) primary, it was all over. One person got so (emotion), he went up to President (celebrity) and (past tense verb) his (body part)! (Exclamation), what a shanda!” With his stance on (controversial issue) still yet to be deciphered, citizens will be (adjective) to see how he will (verb) with it. Everyone will be focusing on (Republican candidate) and how the (plural noun) of presidency might affect him. The overwhelming public reaction is (emotion) that
(Republican candidate) gave praise and recognition to the other candidates, including "Jeb!" What a good sport! At press time, speculative reports have innundated the
BY JON GALT BLUES EDITOR
UNITED STATES—Last night, (Democratic candidate) won (preferred gender possessive pronoun) party’s nomination.
"THE PARTIES' CANDIDATES HAVE BEEN DETERMINED AND SURPRISE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE" (Republican candidate) and (Democratic candidate) debate the issues that will definitely focus more on personal affairs than anything that affects the populus.
media outlets regarding the possibility of an independent campaign from (Washington outsider). This could be a considerable concern for GOP officials come election time.
According to (news site), it was the most (adjective) Super Tuesday anyone has seen since (major historical event). President (same celebrity) addressed the events of last
TROUBLE IN PARADISE
Rutgers Honors College Given List of Princeton Rejects BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS TOASTY BUNS
NEW BRUNSWICK—Sighing once again as that time of the year approaches; Rutgers Honors College administrators were sent, via email, the list of rejected applicants to Princeton University from which the Honors College will be admitting its own students. The Honors College, which opened this past Fall Semester with the Class of 2019, has since established itself as a reasonable safety school for prospective students applying to Ivy League universities. As such, the Honors College benefits from the rejections of said students as a way to fill the expensive dormitories built off of Seminary Place. These Ivy League castoffs are presented the unique
"TIGER-MAN NO MORE!" Giraj Patel, predicted valedictorian of his county's magnet high school, accepted his fate and reluctantly abandoned the sweatshirt he so confidently purchased during a tour last spring.
opportunity to come together and share their excuses of why their first choice university may have rejected them and now have to attend a ‘pretty good I guess’ state university.
“I mean, everything was going great at first,” said Dean Matt Matsuda of the Honors College. “The students were cheerful at first, being freshmen Continued on Page 2
POST-PREPUBESCENT Since 1970
night earlier today. “I’d like to (verb) the two candidates on their (noun) last night. Truly remarkable. I’d also like to extend my (plural noun) to those candidates who (antonym of previous verb) last night. You guys (past tense verb) a (adjective) campaign, and that’s something to truly be (emotion). Our reporters managed to interview some people on the street, to hear what they had to say about the night. (Mother’s maiden name) said, “Incredible night. After the candidates won, I ran out onto (childhood street’s name) with my pet (childhood pet’s name), and we must have cheered for at least (social security number) times. It was (adjective).” Due to the intense competition between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, this could have been anyone's game. Therefore, the public reaction to one of them being nominated was overwhelmingly (reaction).
QUICKIES
On-Campus Laundromats Tested to all be Positive for Semen Study Shows that Next Chocolate Bar Consumed will give you Diabetes White People Enjoy Start of 11-MonthLong "White History Month"
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NEWS
"It's weird how all those P.C.-obsessors are Mac users, huh?"
Wednesday, March 2nd 2016
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NOT WASTING MY REPLAYS
Local Man Continues to Send Ten-Second Snapchats
BY JAY OMEGATRON FOURIER TRANSFORMER
SAYREVILLE, NJ—In what was described both as “an unfortunate misunderstanding of technology” and “an impedance to human progress,” local Sayreville resident Adam Mintchell, 26, continues to send snapchats of ten-second length. Friends of Mintchell have expressed taking “immense discomfort” in the feat of experiencing his mundane doings in “discrete but prolonged” intervals. “It’s like I’m in his shoes, but in a series of ten-second still images,” commented
Ashley Runardi, a coworker of Mintchell’s. “It’s both dreadfully boring and unnervingly long at the same time.” Runardi is often featured in Mintchell’s Snapchat Story on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays when their lunch breaks coincide. She has also been sighted in at least one of his “work selfies,” all of which documented as lasting no fewer than ten seconds. Mintchell was recently spotted at a local Buffalo Wild Wings, reportedly eating citrus-flavored chicken wings, drinking a Blue Moon beer, and watching an Iowa Hawkeyes basketball game; corroborated
by corresponding photos captioned “Citrus Wings,” “Blue Moon”, and “Lets Go Hawks”. It is presumed that each photo would have been displayed for a ten-second duration. “It’s not necessarily that his life is boring—which it still is, don’t get me wrong,” noted Mintchell’s ex-girlfriend Eileen Moore. “It’s just that dedicating ten seconds of my life to viewing each basic task he performs seems excessive. I get that you’re at a concert; I don’t need to see it in photos, ten seconds at a time.” Mintchell is reportedly a "big fan" of the band 5 Seconds of Summer.
CONTROLLED BURNING
Amazonian Actresses Sent to Reforest the Amazon
BY RED RIDING HOOD HURTADO CORRESPONDENT
DEEP IN THE JUNGLES OF BRAZIL— Pornhub's campaign to "Give America Wood" has taken a detour towards the heart of South America, as plans have been made for Pornhub's "Amazonian" adult performers to reforest Brazil’s part of the Amazon Rainforest. According to fakestatistics. net, more than 69% of the views that contributed to Pornhub's reforestation project originated in Brazil’s jungle area. "We are just so surprised that the natives down there
even had enough running electricity to power a light bulb, let alone to watch porn,” said Ben Dover, CEO of Pornhub. "Nethertheless, we are looking forward to doing our part in replenishing that large swath of forest area for our brothers south of the equator. We’re going down there, and we are gonna plant the strongest trees, whose trunks will be longer and harder than ever before. We'll make sure to remove any unwanted bush near the area. We like our trees smooth," said Dover. Pornhub will be working alongside the online shopping
HONORS COLLEGE
also appear to be affected by the admission of these discarded and all. But the moment Ivy applicants as well. Students they got their midterm scores for from SAS, SEBS, Business, Chemistry and Calculus, they and even Engineering came to turned into the over-competitive, Rutgers for the hope that they cut-throat little demons honors can get away from the ‘try hard, student are on the inside. How student council wannabes’ that can I subject another batch of infected the halls of their high butt-hurt Ivy League rejects schools. Now, it appears that to that environment all over the Honors College is to blame again?” When asked about how for bringing such students back Honors College students in the to Rutgers, and thus, returning humanities were faring, Dean the high school sentiment of Matsuda simply laughed and academic stratification back to returned to his work. the once-free State University of Average Rutgers students New Jersey. ...continued from front
Editorial Staff Spring 2016
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Adam Romatowski Fratypus
delivery company Amazon. com, to help provide their “adult performers” with the necessary resources to help with process. Some of these “adult stars” include Betty Phuckzer, Freida Brest, Helda Dick, and Jawanna Blowme, among others. "It is, like, an honor, to, like, go down to the wet trees place and, like, help save the lions, or whatever, and, like, bring back the flying hippos, because, like, the government is bad, and yeah. So, what are you doing later, sweetie?" spewed Adult Performer Helda Dick, during an interview in her hotel room.
With over 100 million total views, Pornhub is estimated to plant, at least, 69 million trees within the Amazon rainforest. “That’s enough brush to cover up a canyon,” said head forest ecologist Mike Litoris. Litoris also went on about how the lives of these performers are at risk, as the Amazon is home to some of the deadliest animals in the world (anaconda, piranhas, etc.) "It's better than dying of Hepatitis. Which reminds me, I have to tell you something," revealed Helda Dick, as this journalist felt a weird burning sensation in his groin area.
NEWS IN PICTURES
News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor James Mullen III Features Editor Aly Grindall
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Andrew Blustein Connor McCarthy Jake Goldstein Landen Naphtali William Field Kid Rock
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the black Best Actor who graciously let Leo finally win.
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FEATURES
Wednesday, March 2nd 2016
themedium.features@gmail.com
“MOE’S MONDAY IS A JOKE”
HOE HOE HOE
RANKING OF PRESIDENT CANDIDATES HOTNESS BY GRIND ALL
Marco Rubio
Ted Cruz
#1 BIG BIG BIG #1! I mean do you even see the rest of these jabronies?! Jesus, if I was left on Earth with only these 6 people and had to repopulate the Earth, you bet your ass I would be picking this dude. His dad comb over could use a little work but with the right about of gel and loosening his tie he could actually be DILF material.
#5 but only because I don’ hate him as much as I hate the last candidate. Honestly though WHY IS HE MARRIED?! He looks like a walrus mixed with a middle aged dad who just finished saying hi tired my name’s dad!
Hillary Clinton #2 but a soft #2. I mean we all love Hil but honestly, that tight ass was not enough to keep good ole Bill from committing statutory rape against an intern. But we are giving her the #2 because she is trying so hard to be fun and hip, and I mean her pant suits can be okay.
Bernie Sanders #3 but like a cute #3 not like a fuckable #3. He is kinda like your grandpa, and you do not want to fuck your grandpa. He is just a cute old dude who wants to fix shit and hang out with all the other old dudes in Vermont. He really is not hot but he is much cuter than the rest of the candidates
Ben Carson #4 but really, really bad #4. I mean are his eyes open?? Did he know this picture was being themedium.opinions@gmail.com taken?? Honestly, he is at #4 because he is tragic but not nearly as tragic looking as the last two. He is kinda like the best of the worst, which is
OBSCURE RU CLUB
YO YO DOJO
Donald Trump #6 LAST PLACE BIG FUCKING #6 LAST PLACE! This is partly due to his ridiculous politics but mostly it is just his hair! I mean why is there a squirrel on his head and why has PETA done nothing about it?? Why does his face look like an old leather bag that has started to lose its color over time? His smile literally screams I am going to take your money and you can’t do shit about it. HAVE A FUNNY STORY YOU WANT TO SHARE? SCARED TO PUT YOUR NAME ON IT? SEND IT TO ME! I WILL POST YOUR HILARIOUS, EMBARRASSING STORIES ALL UNDER A FAKE NAME! THIS CAN BE ABOUT ALCOHOL, SEX, DRUGS, SCHOOL, OR ANYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF! JUST SEND IT OVER TO THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM AND YOU CAN SEE YOUR STORY PRINTED ONLINE AND IN PRINT! ALSO COME TO OUR MEETINGS! WEDNESDAY RSC 8 PM! XOXO GOSSIP GIRL
SOME CULTURE FOR YOU BITCHES
4 PEPPERS THAT WOULD LOOK GREAT UP BARCHI’S ASS BELL PEPPER: Preferably it would be yellow. I think it would look especially good with his pasty white ass. Honestly just imagine it. I know its gonna be kinda hard and really, really gross but it might actually look a little picturesque? JALAPENO PEPPER: It would have to be a small one and one of those green ones. You know, those ones that dont look hot but then you bite down on it and your eyes bleed? That would look great. Honestly, it would be good for him. This would be a hot pain in his ass which would give him a good idea as to what we, as students, go through on a daily basis because of his fuckery. A RED HOT CHILI PEPPER: Flea to be specific. Flea would look great with Barchi. What will happen though is that Barchi’s ass would be fucking rocked by Flea and he will never be the same. Hopefully, he has his first orgasm and calms the fuck down for once in his life.
... SHALL PROVIDE A CASUAL, SOCIAL ATMOSPHERE FOR YOYOERS OF ALL SKILL LEVELS AND YOYO ENTHUSIASTS, AS WELL AS A WELCOMING ENVIRONMENT FOR THOSE WHO ARE LEARNING OR INTERESTED IN LEARNING
CHERRY PEPPER: Awh Barchi can finally pop his cherry with a cherry pepper. Wicked cute and the red would really bring out the age spots on his ass.
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, March 2nd 2016
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“Anal fisting? Those words are nothing special to us.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What Did You Give Up For Lent? “Running for President”
Jeb Bush Former Florida Governor
“Being black” Michael Jackson Former NBA Player
“Christianity”
Rabbi Yitzy Teaneckowitz Congregation Ein Goyim
Damn Daniel
WHITE SHOES, BLACK HEART
BY SATAN
You know that kid Daniel? The one with the white shoes? Well, I’ve been hearing a lot of prayers lately; apparently a bunch of people have requested that I damn Daniel. As Supreme Arbiter of Eternal Damnation, Prime Minister of Everlasting Fire, and a minority shareholder of Comcast, I couldn’t not take notice. You know, it’s not too often that I get prayers. So you know what, I had my secretary, Eva Braun, open an investigation. Long story short, the kid checks out. So, he’s not exactly the ideal candidate to boil in the Eternal Cauldron of Suffering. But hey, the kid does jerk off a lot. Now, we don’t really push that rule too hard. Because, y’know, even Saints need to crank one out every now and then. But technically he broke the rule, and thus he qualifies to be damned. The paperwork was a real bitch, too. I’ve got a bunch of lawyers down here giving me a hard time over committing a kid to the Bottomless Pit of Pain for beating his meat. So I phoned my old fraternity brother Eric Holder over in D.C. to get his opinion. The consensus was that, though the law is currently unenforceable, I, as the Unwavering Prince of Fire and Darkness, have the power to do whatever the fucking hell I want, so consider Daniel damned. So anyway, I have Ted Kennedy over in the lobby sprucing the place up for his arrival. I haven’t worked out the details with Death yet, but it’s looking like we’re gonna give him dick cancer. I wanted to drop a brick on his head, but Death suggested Dick Cancer and I couldn’t say no. That shit’s way too funny. So we’re gonna let him on Trevor Noah next week, and then we’re gonna blow up his dick.
“It’s looking like we’re gonna give him Dick Cancer”
RASHI’S COMMENTARY
You Should Meet My Nephew Shmuel! BY AUNT RUTH
Have you ever met my nephew, Shmuel? Such a sweet young man. And single! He’s studying to be a doctor! So smart. Oh no, of course I’m not saying you should go out with him. But he’s such a mensch. Last week, he helped Rabbi Mendelstein move the furniture around in his apartment, and helped the cantor’s wife perfect her matzah ball soup. Her old recipe was bupkes. Have you ever tried it? I heard her bubba smuggled the recipe out of Auschwitz, and you don’t want to know where she kept it. I bet she was kvetching the whole time! Oy, what a shanda! Wait, come here before you leave. You’ve got some shmutz on your face. I’ll tell my nephew you’d like to meet him. I think he’s studying for his big calculus test all weekend, except during the Shabbos of course! But you can come over for our big Seder dinner next weekend. Oh, my darling mother-in-law is making her incredible kugel and mandelbread. It’s to die for! Shmuel will be so glad to hear you’re coming.
We do. The Medium meets Wednesday nights at 8PM in room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center.
DRUMPF ROLL, PLEASE
Take Me Back, Donald BY CHRIS CHRISTIE
Look Donny, I know you are doing big things right now but I need to know we are still cool. I thought you would love to hear that I fully support your claim for the presidency this election. However when I go to watch Fox News and I’m not greeted with tales of your angelic rise to power, but how you reject my support and ridiculed me as a politician. What did I do to make you hate me this much? I always imagined you and me taking the political world by storm, like that time you and I went to Georgie [Bush]’s Halloween party as Tweetle Dee and Tweetle Dumb. We argued for so long about who would be Tweetle Dee, but I gave it up for you because that is what our friendship meant to me. I wanted to be beside you and support you like the support beam of one of your fabulous buildings. All I am hearing from the news now is how you just want me to “Go home”, but I know my place is right at your side. Where did we go wrong Donny? Was it when I accepted Obama’s help after Sandy? I have told you a million times, we were on a break and it was a onetime thing. He just came at a dark time in my life, but I swear he totally means nothing to me. Just remember all the good times we had, like all those days we spent in Atlantic City. We had so much fun buying land and people’s homes to create a situation where no non-casino business could thrive. Remember what we did once Pennsylvania and Delaware legalized gambling in their states? You and I just doubled down with the city’s money and watched the place burn to the ground while we shared champagne at the top of the Trump Taj Mahal. I want that to be us again, I need you there to help motivate me and make me a better man than I am now. Just call me, I know that it is not you saying these mean things behind my back. I will anxiously wait for your call, but I am closer than a phone call away. Just look out your window and I will be right there blasting “Ice Ice Baby” through that boom box we took from those black teens.
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2016
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ARTS
“Happy Read Across America Day!”
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“OOMPA LOOMPA CREATION’’ BY GOLDIELOCKS
“JAPANESE DREAMGIRL” BY SWOLE MIKE
JOIN THE MEDIUM. COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS. WEDNESDAYS, ROOM 439, COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER 8PM DICK OF THE WEEK: iBONE
“FIND THE DICKS, THERE ARE 17” BY 9 LYVEZZ
PERSONALS
the Medium Stupid Guys
Brownies > cupcakes. @ me bro.
White guy in shorts, I see your urgent need to get some color in those legs, but it’s 40 degrees and raining. (White guy in shorts, I hope you get cancer.)
Why does nobody take me seriously when I insist the world is triangular? Living is so expensive, no (I’m sure Conservatives wonder people die. would be willing to listen (Wow, you have it all figto you since they’re known ured out. Congratulations.) to completely reject science and all logical thinking.) The nail polish on my toes is chipping off unSometimes I wish I evenly so it looks like I joined the frat. Then I re- have a fungus. alized that I like thinking (On the bright side, the independently. “fungus” can distract from (If you’re in a relationship all that acne you probably it’s basically like being in a have on your face.) frat because you’re not allowed to think for yourself.) I hate New Jersey. (If you see me on campus, don’t talk to me.)
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“I need more single friends.”
Thoughts
(Shut the fuck up.)
Wednesday March 2nd, 2016
(Then move to Siberia, asshole.)
I would have been happier about Stacy Dash’s appearance at the Oscars if she had showed up as her character from “Clueless.” (But seriously, WHY WAS SHE THERE?! WAS IT ALL FOR SOME CHEAP JOKE?!)
I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. WE NEED MORE GIRLS SO IF YOU ARE A GIRL PLEASE COME TO OUR MEETINGS. Wednesday’s at 8pm in room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center.
White Guys
Word of Advice
(So, what I’m hearing is that you also want to be divorced by 35 and decked out in plastic surgery by 45.)
Happy Read Across America Day!! Before you decide to get a Dr. Seuss quote as your next tattoo, just remember that he didn’t give a shit about you.
I hate having to work, my dream is to be a stay at home mom while reaping the benefits of my successful husband.
I’m gonna end up being a mom blogger with a high chance of suicide. (At least you’re being realistic.)
Keep on reading!!
I hate white men who date ethnic women because 95% of the time they are fetishizing them. (No no...sometimes they want to use their ethnic girlfriends for evidence that they’re not racists!!)
Some Angry Kid I’m tired of my student organization always being broke as hell. And it’s not even RUSA’s fault. It’s the fault of these whiny ass students always complaining about needing another organization. The problem is that we have too many useless clubs that serve the same purpose except for like one part, like an ethnicity, and students bitch about them not having THEIR club instead of trying to work with what’s there. What does being Hispanic or Asian have to do with being a Med student? Fucking nothing! And it’s spoiled, entitled bullshit like this that drains money from every organization. Not all of you deserve a leadership positition, especially for running a fucking Doctor Who club and getting two hundred dollars. To do what? Order pizza? Please. Someone let me know what in the world does this club do. How the fuck am I supposed to host shit for my Korean Christian club when there are a million other fucks stealing money from me and my org. (Aren’t Christians supposed to be peaceful?Relax, Kim Jong-un can’t hurt you here.)
You’re Hopeless
Crushed Dreams
Is it the end of the world if I don’t get a summer internship?
I’m disappointed in Leo’s oscar speech. I was hoping it was just gonna be four minutes of him telling the Academy to suck it and then bringing up a supermodel onstage and banging her right there. Instead he talked about the fucking environment. Thanks Bernie Jr.
(I mean, yeah. You’ll basically lose your reason for existence.) My girlfriend told me she was too tired to have sex but then I caught her masturbating in the shower. (I know what you must be thinking and the answer is yes, you should DEFINITELY take this personally.) I get it Sofia Vergara, you’re Hispanic, you don’t need to occassionally toss Spanish words into sentences. (But...then how else would you know she’s Hispanic?!) I think racism is terrible, unless it’s against Mexicans.
(Mexicans don’t really count as people. This message has been approved by Donald Trump.) Being at Rutgers is burning me out. I think I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. This is bad.
(You know what else is bad? People in North Korea are starving and suffering under the dictatorship of Kim Jong-un. Also, the Holocaust.) Fucking Landen. (Is Landen Jewish?)
(Leo is a grower, not shower. Also, A supermodel?! We all now he had at least five waiting for him backstage, and another half dozen waiting in the limo.)
I give all my sexual encounters a gift basket. (As in an “I’m sorry for being a disappointment” gift basket? In that case you should send some to your parents, too.) Why doesn’t Rutgers have a job placement what am I paying You 30k a year for? (You’re paying for subpar football games, lousy dining services, and treatment for the inevitable depression you’ll face during your time here.) I’m super pissed that Sylvester Stallone didn’t win. Who the fuck is Mark Rylance? Some douchebag who the Academy decided was better than Rocky. NO ONE IS BETTER THAN ROCKY. (Except Mark Rylance.)
Wednesday March 2nd 2016 themedium.a7@gmail.com
PAGE A7
““It’s better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep” - Benito Mussolini” - Donald Trump
CRAIGSLIST DEALS OF THE WEEK
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SHUT THE FUCK UP, GRANDPA ANGRY GRANDPA
...Mommy. Mommy I want to go. Mommy.”
...continued from Sports
The Purple Team is undefeated through six games. They are tied for first in the league with nine other teams, since wins and losses are not counted. When asked how the game was played back in his day, Greenspan said there was “none of this ‘every plays the same amount’ bullshit”, and recalled good ball movement, running hook shots, team defense and only a little bit of crying.
We aren’t sure what this is, but it’s only $10! It appears to come with custom dowels for extra support or something. Not to mention that beautiful black fabric thing! Get it while it’s hot!
Greenspan is not the first grandparent to compare basketball now to what it used to be, and most people within the community are tired of hearing the old criticizing the new. Greenspan’s daughter, Julie GreenspanGoldberg, was not shy in her remarks. “He’s just been a bit ornery since his first prostate exam. It took years for the family to convince him to finally get one. I guess that was a mistake.” The Purple Team has three more games to go before the playoffs, where each team makes it the championship and everyone gets a trophy. When asked what he looks forward to the rest of the season, Little Sammy Goldberg said, “playing with my friend Benny”. NATIONAL WEAR YOUR UNDERWEAR INSIDE-OUT DAY Heads up, it’s this Saturday. By LATIN MAMÁ This not-well known holiday is right around the corner, so get ready Rutgers community! National Flip-Yo’ Undies Day is right around the corner, so we here at The Medium have compiled a list of
Have you been looking for a picture of two ducks for your home decor? We’ve got just the deal for you! Both of these deals are just a quick trip to Flemington away!
why this is the greatest holiday since Catfish Day (that is a legitimate holiday, Google that shit). 1). First of all, you don’t have to wash them if you flip them inside out, am I right?! Let’s be real-- the laundromats on campus are hot as hell and the only reason you go to them is to catch a glimpse of that hot girl washing her thongs, so one less reason to go to them! 2). You have the opportunity to get creative with this festive day—take it up a notch! Switch your undies with a friend (irrespective of gender— this goes without saying). If you do opt for this crazy route, however, we recommend not switching with a friend who frequents brothels or Mexican restaurants. 3). If you don’t wear underwear on the daily (we KNOW who you are ;) ), then FUCK IT! Use this holiday to expand your horizons and give the whole wedgie thing a shot.
HOT DEAL ALERT!
4). Even the presidential candidates are doing it! Rumor has it Bernie wears Calvin Kleins (you know, the sexy boxer brief kinds), while Hillary is more of a Victoria Sec’ kinda gal (basic, we know).
Many of you gents out there might recognize this couch from some of your favorite (casting couch) films! This is a rare opportunity to own a piece of pornographic history!
5). Do we even need another reason for you to be as pumped as we are for this awesome holiday?! Those undies aren’t gonna flip themselves, so get to flippin’, Scarlet Knights!
Head to East Orange with just $69 (ha) to pick up this incredible piece!
Are you funny? Are you going anywhere in life?
(The Medium is not liable for any STDs transmitted while sitting on this couch.)
If you answered NO to either question, COME WRITE FOR THE MEDIUM!
march 2nd 2016 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com NO DOUBT HE WILL HAVE A HEART ATTACK IF HE KEEPS THIS UP
MAN SAYS BASKETBALL BETTER BACK IN HIS DAY, SCORNS GRANDSON’S LEAGUE BY STEPHEN A. SMIFF SHODDY REPORTER
SCARSDALE, NY— Arthur Greenspan is not happy with what he sees on the court, and has no reservations sharing how he feels. “Oscar Robertson was right; basketball today is garbage,” said Greenspan, 63. “And now my grandson is the one that suffers. Reacting to the recent play Golden State Warriors point guard Stephen Curry, Robertson said coaches today “do not understand the game of basketball” and said if a player today “can dunk or make a three- HE'S MAD AS HELL AND HE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE point shot, you're the greatest "Stop playing like a bunch of children," said Greenspan at a game last week. thing since sliced bread”. Greenspan, after watching plays for the Purple Team in what he’s doing out there,” said his grandson play, had similar Scarsdale’s Second-Grade Boys the recently retired accountant. “All the kids are just bunched remarks on today’s game. His League. “The coach doesn’t know together. My little Sammy grandson, Samuel Goldberg,
If you could kill someone and not get caught, would you?
2.
Do you think your mother is attractive?
3.
I see you have dreads. You smoke weed, don’t you?
4.
You're on a mountain in Alaska on a bus going 100mph. Where are you sitting on the bus?
5.
When did you lose your virginity?
6.
Do you see yourself more as a dog or cat (That’s not relevant. I see myself more as a human). Do you have a problem with authority?
7.
Do you wear a g-string or a jock strap when you play?
Continued on A7
Slaughter in the Court: Martins vs. Lensky
REAL NFL COMBINE INTERVIEW QUESTIONS 1.
never gets the ball, and he’s just picking his nose the hole time. A coach would never let that happen back when I played!” The 7-year-old Goldberg seemed unfazed by the comments. Known as a reserved, let-his-play-speak-forhimself kind of player, he calmly addressed his grandfather’s words while standing behind his mother and holding her hand. “Well, I like basketball because it’s fun and I play with my friend Benny. I also like the color purple. Sometimes my grandpa comes to see me play, and then he waves to me and that’s fun. Also, we also get icepops sometimes, too. I also get to play with Benny. He’s my friend. Mommy can we go now.
BY RADIO RAHEEM FIGHTING THE POWER
The main difference is that the drivers in Formula E are less talented and the cars are painfully boring to watch. The acceptance speech is DiCaprio's last-ditch effort to try to get people to excited about electric cars, which have none of the features that make racing cars exciting. There's not much speed, not much noise, and definitely no belligerent redneck fans to make watching these races a spectacle to remember. You've finally won, Leo. Now quit while you're ahead.
LOS ANGELES— The world collectively rejoiced when Leonardo DiCaprio finally won his long-overdue Oscar on Sunday night. However, he may have got a bit overzealous with his acceptance speech, which was clearly a blatant plug for everyone to support his Formula E team. As an avid environmentalist, DiCaprio loved the idea of motorsport with electric cars so much that he actually bought a racing team. Unfortunately for DiCaprio, nobody gives a shit about Formula E. I'm sure most people aren't even going to make it this far in the article because they don't have any idea what it is. Essentially, it's a treehugging, all-electric car, pansy rip-off of Formula 1, Left to Right: DiCaprio, a the pinnacle of motorsports. man nobody knows
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