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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
April 20th, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $420.69 SMOKE 'EM WHILE YOU GOT THEM
QUICKIES
NJ GOV'T LEGALIZES WEED SALES FOR PHARMA COMPANIES ONE DAY TOO LATE BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE CRAVING A CHEESEBURGER
Back in the dark ages of 2021, New Jersey became one of the growing number of states to legalize marijuana. However, in the grand spirit of our state government, they didn’t legalize the sale of marijuana that same year. One may be tempted to ask, “Oh gee, why would the state government not organize the sale of marijuana at the same time they were legalizing it?” In essence, it goes something like this: State reps wouldn’t be able to receive their ‘measly’ salaries until the pharma companies got a piece of the action. Meanwhile, the piece of the action (the licenses) wouldn’t want any part until it got a slice of the pie… And, as one may expect, the slice of the pie in question wouldn’t
be able to do anything until it got it’s cut. (Which it did, much to everyone’s complete and utter horror. Jesus Christ, never in my life did I think I’d see a slice of pie get brutally murdered in front of everyone, I mean dear God, this is a travesty, holy fu-)
In essence, the legalization of sales was delayed due to classic New Jerseyan corruption. Of course, since it’s essentially a part of New Jersey culture at this point to have an inept government, you cannot criticize it (but we’re gonna do that anyways). Continued on Page 2
HEY, COULD YOU PLEASE HELP ME WITH MY CALC EXAM?
‘LET ME SOLO HER’ NOW SOLOING PEOPLE’S EXAMS BY LEAHCIM C. EKWAH PRAYING I GET CARRIED
With the spring semester coming to a close, many Rutgers students have struggled with the sudden rise in their workloads, with many assignments coming around right before finals. This is an inevitable reality for any college student, whether they’re majoring in Civil Engineering, English, Economics, etc. Recently, however, a series of strange occurrences have taken place that has shaken this notion, with a mysterious stranger reportedly roaming around campus, all while completing an innumerable amount of assignments for random people. The stranger in question has been described as a muscular white male standing six feet tall, wearing
nothing but a massive steel jar with engravings on their head and a dirty, worn-out loincloth around their waist. They’ve also been noted to be carrying around a pair of bloodied katanas, with one in each hand, but it’s likely they’re just for show rather than for actual usage. (Coincidentally, there have been
fewer coyote sightings around Livingston Campus ever since the sightings of this man began.) As of now, the stranger, who’s been collectively referred to by several students as ‘Let Me Solo Her’ after the sole phrase uttered by the figure (Sidenote: I don’t know Continued on Page 2
Smoking Weed E'ry Day Since 1970
Earth Celebrates 14.1 Billionth Birthday. Are You Feeling Old Yet? News Editor High As A Kite While Editing This Paper Who Gives A Shit About Earth Day Anyhow? "You're Too Late, Spiderman! Weed Has Been Legalized!" "But You're The One Getting Smoked, Gobby!" Dodgers Fans Place Bounty On Dodgers' Manager Dave Roberts Next Week: Lil Nas X To Interview The Medium Local Banana Brutally Assaulted By A Fucking Hot Dog
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NEWS
Wednesday, April 20th, 2022
"God, I could go for a cheeseburger right now."
SOMEONE PLEASE BUY ME A CHEESEBURGER INSERT WITTY WEED JOKE HERE And, as you can expect, when the New Jersey government finally felt like issuing sales licenses, it not only strictly gave them to our precious pharmaceutical companies, but they couldn’t even get the legalization day correct. Granted, one would expect legal sales of marijuana on the 20th of April to have been through the roof, so it is understandable why they pushed it back to the 21st. That being said, we at The Medium must establish the real reason why sales were set to the 21st of April; the New Jersey Cannabis Regulatory Commission, established by our current governor in 2019, is perhaps the biggest collection of prudes and squares to have ever
SERIOUSLY, CARRY ME PLEASE
...continued from front
existed on New Jerseyan soil, and have likely never touched a single joint in their entire miserable lives. (Where was I going with this? Fuck, I can’t remember, I’m way too blazed for this. Alright, uh… to hell with this, I'm going to McDonalds to get a burger.) [Editor's Note: The picture below is the Big Mac that Hawke got after writing this piece.]
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INSERT ELDEN RING JOKE HERE
...continued from front
who ‘her’ is in this case, I guess the exams or essays in question. That being said, since when the hell did assignments get assigned genders? I genuinely don’t understand, what the hell is-) has, according to various students' reports, helped approximately 300 students, with the number likely higher. In one prominent example ‘Let Me Solo Her’ was seen walking into the middle of a calculus exam, whispering into a freshman’s ear, quietly taking the student’s seat, and proceeding to complete the exam within the span of five minutes. Once the results of the exams arrived, it was noted that the only exam that had a score
of 100% was none other than the one completed by the jar-headed man. When the professor was asked their opinion on the matter, they said, “Look, if a guy armed with two katanas just waltzed into your class and completed an exam in the span of five minutes, you wouldn’t say a thing either, now would you? Fuck it, I’m letting that student have the grade, I don’t get paid enough for this shit!” Why has this stranger bothered to go out of their way just to help us pitiful souls? Who knows, this shit’s made up.
WHEN WILL THEY CROSS SWORDS? WHO KNOWS, BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT
A REPORT ON THE BANANA-HOT DOG WAR BY: ASIAN CORRESPONDENT GETTING PAID JACKSHIT
The Medium is live with recent developments about the Banana-Hot Dog War. Recently, President Holloway has come out in support of the Federal Hot Dog Republic (FHDR). In a public statement, Holloway stated, “As President of Rutgers
University, I have formally declared our partnership with the FHDR. This historic group can use the cockroaches and food from Brower for biological warfare, and the Rutgers Business School (the best business school where nothing bad ever happens) will commit
to funding this war effort”. For those unaware, 4/20/22 is the Day of Reckoning in the battle between the Bananas and Hot Dogs for who is the most phallic food. Bananas believe that they are, given that they had had many condoms put on them during health classes and can better accentuate what a penis is. However, the FDHR uses the fact that their creation is meatbased rather than plant-based, thus giving them the title of the most phallic food. Back in 2016, the FDHR released the film Sausage Party in order to draw more support for their cause. For a long time, The Medium has been supporting the Federative Republic of Bananas (FRB). According to H.R. Hickenbottom, The Medium’s human resources representative, “Those damn wieners don’t know what a penis truly is. If you want to see what a true penis is, I’ll show you!” Hickenbottom
proceeded to pull down his pants, exposing his dangling participle to my virgin eyes. I was appalled by this and wanted to report this to human resources, but I realized that Hickenbottom was the human resources manager. To support the Federative Republic of Bananas, The Medium has pledged to use $4,000 of its $5,376 budget in order to buy banana-sized combat gear, alongside Medium-directed videos on how to fight and the Hot Dogs. It is unknown how the war between the FRB and the FHDR will go. Recent victories include the capturing of the College Ave Student Center and the Student Activities Center and is expected to make gains on the Yard and Murray Hall in the coming months. However, the FRB has been able to hold Livingston Campus and have begun gathering funds via the marijuana trade.
AY YO! PASS THE BLUNT, BRO! THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARDROOM OR LSC ROOM 109
Editorial Staff
Spring 2022
Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Kiran Subramanian Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium Human Resources Dr. H.R. Hickenbottom
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor
Carlos Domenech Kristina Patel Kyle Sabin Amit Ofek John Mahoney
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche
Doug Willig Kyle Sabin Carlos Domenech Jade Zach Harry Anslinger
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satirical publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to... whoever invented the cheeseburger. You're a real one, dude.
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FEATURES
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“i enjoy consuming drugs”
STOP IT GET SOME HELP
DO DRUGS, THEY'RE LIKE VITAMINS
Which Member of the Medium Are You Based on What Mental Illness You Have? By: Professional Psychologist
Editor’s note: we know that mental illnesses are a real issue and mean no hate by making fun of them. I also have several mental illnesses. Life is not fun :)* Guys, I had to pull out my Abnormal Psych notes for this one. Please enjoy. Depression: If you have Depression, you are Kristina. She is a pre-med student who is currently in Orgo 2. Enough said. She is hella depressed. I heard a rumor that she never smiles… I’m not surprised. Anxiety: If you have Anxiety, you are Kelly. Nothing is worse than being Kelly during a pitch meeting because she is supposed to be in charge but absolutely no one listens to her. I’m pretty sure she has nightmares about each week’s pitch meeting before and after they happen… she will never recover from them even after she graduates in a few weeks. Kelly also deserves all of the drugs, just like all the anxious people. Bipolar Disorder: If you have Bipolar Disorder, you are Doug. This guy is legit insane, I would not put it past him to be the Scranton Strangler. He is in a chronic state of mania all of the time, I am scared and you should be too. OCD: If you have OCD, you are Brendan. He is allergic to peanuts– what a bitch. So he has to make sure that he cleans every surface around him 50 times because they could have traces of peanut on them. Loser. PTSD: If you have PTSD, you are John. This guy hears and sees fucked up shit every meeting. He has a whole notebook of them. John regularly gets flashbacks of Harry Nuttsacc’s very interesting choice of words. He will never recover. He is currently spouting foul language at his computer because of his recurring flashbacks of seeing PP Harding’s juicy ass. ADHD: If you have ADHD, you are Amit. I have never seen this kid sit for an entire pitch meeting (which only lasts 1 hour). I think he destroys a chair every time he goes into the production room because he just obliterates them by doing anything but sitting in them. I really just want to be in this guy’s mind for a day… I’m just so curious. Sexual Masochist Disorder: If you are Masochist, you are Quinn. I have no physical proof that he gets off on being in pain, but I have a hunch. At least once a meeting, he asks to be slapped on the ass or just does it himself. This man is a masochist through-and-through and he is proud of it. Schizophrenia: If you have Schizophrenia, you are Jade. This fucking cunt talks to herself and stares at nothing. If you think Doug and Amit are scary, just you wait for Jade to pounce… those voices in her head are planning something. I mean, how else does she come up with those weird-ass art pieces. This is the real reason she’s a psych major. Dependent Personality Disorder: If you have DPD, you are Kiran. I have never seen him alone, in fact I have seen him being held like a baby by others more than I have seen him not surrounded by others. (tbh I mainly picked this one because my notes say that DPD means you are submissive... now I can make a submissive and breedable joke. Ha!) But I still stand by this diagnosis. He also wants to be pushed around in a stroller. Female Orgasmic Disorder: If you have FOD, you are Kyle. Since he isn't a female, he has never had an orgasm as a woman. But even if Kyle was a woman, he still wouldn't orgasm because men do not know where the clit is. Unless womanKyle is lesbian, then he could overcome his female orgasmic disorder because women are definitely better at sex than men. Crack Addiction: If you are addicted to crack, you are Carlos. He once found a dollar with mysterious white substances on it and licked it. He now writes the script to Euphoria, which is based on his current life. That scene with Elliot’s song? Yeah, that was just Carlos tripping. Paranoid Personality Disorder: If you have PPD, you are Michael. He does not trust anyone, so much so that he needs to be anonymous everywhere he goes. No one knows his full name. I am convinced that he has a body double that goes to the meetings so that he truly never has anyone know who or what he is.
Top 5 Places to Buy Weed on Campus By: Harry Nuttsaac
Starting tomorrow, New Jersey residents 21+ will finally be able to buy pot legally after waiting a year with our thumbs up our asses. However, illegal pot will still be cheaper so here’s where to get it. 5. Anywhere on George Street: I guarantee that if you walk onto George Street and say a lil’ loudly, “I wonder where I can buy weed,” you’ll either get your weed or mugged. Beggars can’t be choosers. 4. At Passion Puddle: sure, the guy there normally peddles viagra to help with all the passion but he sometimes has ganja in stock. If not, you can at least go home with a hard-on. 3. The Guy in the Back Row of Your Poli Sci Class: weed is the only way a lot of these guys are able to numb the pain of political science, and there’s always one who’s willing to share. 2. Your Bus Driver: did you think they had bloodshot eyes and were lethargic because they’ve been driving in circles for hours? No! It’s because they’re high as fuck. And you know Rutgers pays jackshit, so of course they have to sell on the side. 1. President Holloway: when RUPD was doing all those raids on parties during COVID, Holloway was able to confiscate enough to start a small side hustle. All proceeds are guaranteed to go to athletics, though. PLEASE COME TO OUR MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM AT LSC 109 OR LSC BOARD ROOM TO DO DRUGS WITH US. WE WON'T CHARGE YOU FOR THEM IF IT'S YOUR FIRST TIME AT OUR PITCH MEETINGS. DO NOT LIE TO US. WE HAVE OUR WAYS. THIS IS NOT KRISPY KREME.
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, April 20th, 2022
"Dry bussy, wet bussy, little ball of foam."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What's the last thing you told your mom before she died? "I'm not British, I'm struggling." Queen Elizabestie of Britain Girl me too you're not special just because you're old.
"Fuck me in the butt, you will." Yoda I don't top, sorry.
"I'm seething with rage and cum." Shadow the Hedgehog Sounds like a normal Tuesday night to me, Shadow.
THIS SHITTY PAPER DOES NOT TAKE YOU SERI
My Weed Guy Made Me Late for a Medium Meeting BY HARRY NUTTSAAC
I take my job as a writer for this shitty paper very seriously, and so of course I was a little upset when my pot dealer made me late for one of our very important pitch meetings. Having bought from this guy for almost two years now, I'm used to him being hard to get a hold of: countless unread messages, replies three days later, and what seems like an ever-changing schedule. Believe it or not, drug dealers aren't the most reliable guys. Knowing this, I text him on a Monday hoping to hear back from him by the weekend. Much to my surprise, he answers me that day! We go through the motions -- what, how much, when -- and I ask if he can do tomorrow, Tuesday, already. He says maybe, he might be going out, he'll let me know. The next day, I text him about an hour before to let him know I'm good to swing by. No answer. Not until 10 the next morning. The guy apologizes, says he can do tonight, and I tell him sure, knowing I already have to rush between class and The Medium's meeting. I give him a fifteen-minute heads-up that I'm gonna swing by. I get to his apartment building (it's one where someone has to actually walk down to get you) and I'm waiting for a while before he texts me to say he's on the phone with his mom. After a half-hour of standing in the cold outside his building, I've finally got my weed. And he threw some extra shit in there for being so patient; who said drug dealers don't have hearts?
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THE KCU HAS ITS OWN VOCABULARY NOW IG
The Weekly Kira Rant: I Am So Fucking Stressed But Also, Like, I'm Okay I Guess BY KIRA AMETHYST
Hello my dear readers, and welcome to the Weekly Kira Rant, in which I, your lovely host, the Queef Queen, the Deepthroat Diva, Kira Amethyst, will take you on an adventure beyond your wildest dreams through my equally wild life (of the past week)! And this week, do I have a rant for you, because I am so fucking stressed but also, like, I'm okay I guess (yes I know that rhymes. I'm a fucking poet! I AM Elizabeth Bishop although I, unlike Queen Bishop, am not sexually attracted to women [sorry all you two women readers of this paper. We can be friends though!]). So why am I so fucking stressed? Well, I've spent the past week in quarantine fearing for my life because I've contracted Queefid (COVID in the queef producer, for you nonscientists). Dr. Steven Tyler S.T. Duncan, who you may remember as my personal pussy inspector, informed me of this over the phone last Thursday, and told me that it was also the reason why my pussy stank like cilantrussy! So that mystery is finally solved! Since then, because I believe in science, and I'm a climateconscious queen, I have stayed in my California king-size bed and made my rotating army of manservants bring me all the food and bev I could want. But also Queefid may very well kill me. So thoughts and prayers, besties! But I'm also okay, I guess. Although also I am incredibly upset because someone has been slandering me by writing atrociously-ungrammatical fanfiction about me and a foul, undesirable man. So actually I'm not okay!
OUSLY HARRY I'M SORRY TO SAY :(((
I Met Jonathan Holloway and I Will Never Recover BY DADDY HOLLOWAY'S NUMBER 1 FAN
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Now that I got your attention, please allow me to share with you the best day of my life. What did I do on the best day of my life? I met Rutgers University President Jonathan Holloway. I have existed in the presence of Daddy Holloway… JONATHAN HOLLOWAY KNOWS I EXIST. No thoughts, just Jonathan
Holloway. I gotta be honest with you guys. When I first joined this club, I was really confused about why these people were obsessed with Jonathan Holloway–I mean he’s just a normal antimasker president of a subpar school. But holy fuck, shit, and balls, I now understand. Let me paint a picture. This past Wednesday, April 13, 2022, at precisely 2:00 pm, I, your local Arts Editor, saw Jonathan Holloway at The Next Scarlet Chef competition in Neilson Dining Hall. Not only did I see our beloved president but I talked to him. And not only did I talk to him, BUT HE FUCKING TOUCHED MY SHOULDER. I did that awkward side hug thing you do when taking weird family pictures. But this was not awkward because it was, in fact, the greatest moment of my life. I have been graced by the gentle touch of Big Daddy Holloway’s big-ass left hand on my left shoulder. (I mean it was huge…. this man is a GIANT!) I will never know true happiness until I see or hug him again. I felt so safe in his arms; I may even start an Etsy where I make Holloway body pillows. Please let me know if you would buy them because, if not, I will still start this shop for just myself.
ARTS
Wednesday, April 20th, 2022
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“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE."
NAMJOON: THE MASTER OF MY BRA- ARMY
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JOIN THE MEDIUM - A DESPERATE EDITOR
DOUGMELLOW- I'M HIGH
I AM UNDER THE WATER- WEED
DO YOU LIKE TO SWIM? WELL WE DON'T DO THAT YOU SICK FUCK, INSTEAD WE COME TO THE MEDIUM, BECAUSE WE ARE COOL. COME TO LSC BOARD ROOM OR ROOM 109 WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00 PM <3 #420
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PERSONALS
Wednesday, April 20th, 2022
"Why are this week's personals different than all other personals?"
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?מה נשתנה בעיתון הזה מכל שאר העתונים Q - On all other nights we hit once before passing, why on this night do we take two hits? A - It is to remember those who came before us, and those who still live in the lands of affliction. For weed is still a schedule 1 drug at the federal level, and so our ancestors in 2021 and our neighbors in Pennsylvania only had time to hit it once if everyone was to get a turn. In their honor, and in honor of our new found freedom, we hit twice; once for ourselves, and once for those who could not.
Q - On all other nights we would make edibles out of baked goods and candies, why on this night do we make only matzahjuana? A - When our ancestors were forced to flee from the cops, they did not have time to allow their baked goods to properly rise. In their haste, and not wanting to waste $80, they were forced to consume unleavened batter. In their honor, we get baked on the bread of affliction, unleavened and flavorless.
Q - On all other nights we would smoke while standing in a circle on the top floor of the Douglas parking deck at 9:30pm on a Wednesday, why on this night do we only smoke while reclining in our friend’s mom’s basement? A - Once we were forced to hide our actions in inconvenient locations, always having to be on edge about getting caught. Standing around made it easy for us to leave at a moment’s notice. Now we have the freedom to relax and truly take it easy. Also some asshole dumped a bottle of water on a student from the top floor at 9:30pm last Wednesday, and I think they reported it.
Q - On all other years we would celebrate weed on 4/20, why on this year did the state of New Jersey choose to legalize the sale of recreational marijuana starting Thursday, April 21st, 2022? A - Ok so, jokes aside, I don’t think this was a missed opportunity. Rather, I think it’s a deep understanding of the popularity of weed in New Jersey. If the demand for weed was combined with the meme holiday of 4/20, it would completely overload what is set to be a limited initial system. It might even have been a public safety concern.
4
2
0
In the Passover Seder, there is a part where these Rabbis argue about how many times God really struck the Egyptians - what's up with that? (The Passover Seder is, in fact, a ploy by the Jews to teach their kids not only about the story of Passover but about other common Jewish practices - one of which is to argue about how we all agree that we beat the shit out of the Pharoah. While all of the Rabbis agree that God struck Pharoah badly, they all disagree about how many times he did. This is a very important lesson to teach young Jews in the passover seder. I think. I usually fall asleep by this point.)
What’s the best way to get high on 4/20?
What’s the best name to call your baby to ruin its life?
(Climb the Eiffel tower.)
(Your name.) Where does all the trash go?
Tell me a story. (No - stop bothering me about this. This is something your dad should have done for you when you were young.) Favorite male pornstar? (President Jonathon Holloway. Hopefully.) Who was the best president in United States history? (Hillary Clinton.) If you can change your name one time, what would you change it to? (Anything but your name.)
Word of the Week:
Matzahjuana n. Matza made with the sweetest, bitterest herb... GOOD LUCK IN YOUR FINALS LOSER
4/20: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
(This is a very good question - in fact I stayed up several nights in a fever dream-like state thinking about this. To be honest I never figured it out. But think about it! You eat something - a snickers bar, perhaps, or a cup of cool, cool Dunkin Donuts iced coffee - and you throw the wrapper or cup away to the trash. Then a janitor takes the trash can and puts it into a bigger trash can outside. Then a garbage truck takes it and puts it in - into where?! Does it go into a giant heap of trash? Does it get used for power? Do we dump in the ocean to show the fish who’s the real boss? I think it's the first one but I figured that if I never knew the true answer I could always imagine that it was the last. Generally I’m not xenophobic but people from Atlantis really rub me the wrong way.) What is Obama’s last name? (...) Why are there only two buses on the weekend schedule? (Rutgers is worried that Covid slowed down a little too much. To help facilitate further R U Screws, the transit office is making sure as much spread happens as possible through more densely pact busses.)
JOIN US NEXT SEMESTER!!! GO TO r/TITTYDROP FOR MORE INFORMATION
Wednesday, April 20th, 2022
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PAGE A7 "Éirinn go Brách"
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I Want To Go Home
We Got Double Poems Today Motherfucker
Bad Joke of the Month: A Cowboy Rides Into Town
The Green Kush
By Your Dirty Grandpa A cowboy rode into the middle of town one day. He was tall with a dark trenchcoat and a hat that cast a shadow over his face. A mere look from him scared the folks of the town and left them shaking in their boots. He stopped in the middle of town and announced to everyone that had gathered around, “This here is my horse. Anyone takes my horse and I’ll have to do what I did in Texas.” With that, he continued riding and somehow left them more scared than before. When he arrived at the town saloon, the cowboy dismounted his horse and hitched it next to some old men sitting outside. They were a bit unsettled by his presence but became inconsolable with fear when he looked at them and said, “This here is my horse. Anyone takes my horse and I’ll have to do what I did in Texas.” As the cowboy stepped inside the saloon, all eyes turned to him. Knowing he had their full attention, he said to the patrons, “Outside, hitched up, is my horse. Anyone takes my horse and I’ll have to do what I did in Texas.” While everyone was left reeling, the cowboy walked to the bar, took a seat, and began nursing a drink. One kid, sitting in the corner, stood up and, on shaky legs, began walking to the cowboy. Everyone around tried stopping the boy, but he made it to the cowboy and tugged on his coat. In quavering voice, the kid asked, “When those people took your horse in Texas, what did you have to do?” The cowboy looked up from his drink and said, “I walked.” Sonnet Time
Ladies and Gentleman, This is Sonnet Number 5 By Anita Manda Hugankiss I started writing a poem and got too high to finish it. Here it is: It was upon one As many folks both young and old would dream self conscious anxiety left out shower that keeps going cold Group sex is a nightmare
By a Red-Eyed Dogmeat Jones Oh, great green plant. When you entered my life, it forever changed. I went from productive to lazy (just kidding, I was always lazy). I remember the first time I smoked you. I was behind the dumpsters at the high school; I was 16. In a powder blue Stanza on that cool November night. I was with Mr. McDoodle, the bald shop teacher with a wooden hand. Mr. McDoodle had poor impulse control, and he smelled like baked beans and BO. Aerosmith was on the radio. I did two puffs of McDoodle’s skunk weed and almost coughed myself to death. When I stopped coughing, I started enjoying the high. While I was exploring my subconscious, McDoodle was rambling about reptilians and his ex-wife. You will always be my first love, weed, you beautiful herby bastard. I celebrate this love almost every day. But your birthday is the day of the greatest celebration day of them all. So today, on 4/20, I will smoke the absolute fuck out of my mind.
Come to The Medium meetings at 8 pm on Wednesdays in the Livingston Student Center in Room 109 or the Board Room. If you come you will get a free blowjob! (Blowjobs will include teeth).
April 20th, 2022 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPORTS are played by pro athletes, some of whom smoke weed, woohoo!
JR SMITH, MICHAEL PHELPS, AND SNOOP DOGG TO START ATHLETE-RAPPER COALITION
JR SMITH, MICHAEL PHELPS, AND SNOOP DOGG POSING FOR THE MARIJUANA IS FAMILY OFFICIAL BANNER BY WEED GUY
4/20
is considered a national marijuana holiday by many. The asssociation with the date comes from a group of California teenagers smoking weed at 4:20 PM in the 1970s. This year, to honor the tradition and to keep weed associated with this beaitiful day, NBA Player and terrible
College golfer JR Smith, GoldMedal Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps, and Rapper Snoop Dogg announced a new athlete-rapper coalition to honor weed smoking. All three are founding members, and it makes sense given their association with weed smoking. JR Smith is a massive meme, Michael Phelps was involved in a weed scandal
(I think, I'm too lazy to research it really), and Snoop Dogg does not need an exaplanation. At a press conference announcing the coalition, Snoop proclaimed it a great day for all of society. "Rappers and athletes love to smoke weed. All of them, big and small, we all love to get it poppin' every now and then, and by every now and then, I mean every single moment of the day. By announcing this coalition, we will allow people to smoke marijuana and celebrate it and do other random stuff." Michael Phelps had similar thoughts to share. "Athletes need to smoke weed. If I never smoked weed, I would've never been able to swim like a fish or do any of that other cool stuff." JR Smith did not participate in the press conference, as he was off participating in his own thirdparty activities. Reaction from the world of sports and music was swift. ESPN Commentator and overall
going and going until the end and the end is near but it is not yet but it is true that this was all caused by President Barack Obama!!! Oops there is more room so penis penis penis penis penis penis penis
NFL Draft Preview: By the Numbers
Rutgers Baseball Wins 15 Games in a Row, Causing Student Body to Realize School Has a Baseball Team BY NOT REALLY A BASEBALL FAN, BUT STILL WRITING
Following their sweep of the Indiana Hoosiers over the weekend, the Rutgers Scarlet Knights Baseball team increased their winning streak to 15 games. (The streak was either extended to 16 games or ended on Tuesday against Iona, but this is a print publication, so it’s not like we can update this article lol.) The lengthy streak has had the normal boring impacts, with team morale being through the roof, occasional plays being featured on SportsCenter, and the reputation of the program growing. However, the most notable impact of the streak has been that it has caused the Rutgers student body to realize that the school has a baseball team. Prior to this month, most Rutgers students' knowledge of the Scarlet Knight athletic teams was this: the football team was really bad, the men’s basketball team was sometimes okay, and there was a women’s basketball team that existed. No students even knew the school had a baseball team until this winning streak. But the newfound discovery is not necessarily a good thing for the team. It turns out, many students are not fond of the school’s baseball team. Sophomore frat bro Jimmy McJames explained, “I learned about the baseball team's existence from a post to the Rutgers Barstool Instagram account. I told my roommates about it, and we decided we were going to go knock out the lights at the team’s stadium for shits and giggles. When we found out Bainton Field didn’t have lights, we realized the state of Rutgers athletics was too low to pull a prank on.” Frat bros realizing the athletic department is too ass to pull a prank on represented a new low in the history of this univeristy. At press time, the Rutgers Baseball team was putting up a plaque in their clubhouse for being featured in The Medium.
God Stephen A. Smith explained "This is the worst moment in the history of professional sports! Athletes need to stay off the weed! This is ruining society!" Charlamagne tha God said "The worlds of music and sports crossing to form a weed coalition is amazing! I love to hit a blunt everyday bro, so this is obviously one of the greatest moments in human history!" At press time, the author of this article is filling the last column of this article with this sentence that has nothing to do with anything at all. It is just about sex and penis and vagina and weed and sex and smoking and forming coalations and oh wait looks like this is a run on sentence but is okay because I am not going to add a period so this sentence will just keep
BY NOT AN EXPERT, NOT AN INSIDER, BUT STILL AN EXPERT INSIDER
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Good quarterbacks that will be drafted in the first round this year
Casual fans who get excited when an offensive linemen is drafted
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Number of picks Mel Kiper Jr. will mock correctly this year
People who can spell Kavon Thybodeaux correctly
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Russell Westbrook’s number. Yes, that is related to this
People reading this article right now. If you are, text “turtle cow” to 732-675-9149 (my phone number lmao)
Receiving $6969 in Funding Per Semester from RUSA SINCE 1970