This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
April 27th, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $420.69 CANADIAN GEESE ARE JUST BUSCH GEESE WITH HOCKEY STICKS
RUTGERS UNIVERSITY-NEW BRUNSWICK TO RELOCATE TO NEW BRUNSWICK, CANADA FOR 2022-23 ACADEMIC YEAR BY THE REAL JOURNALIST OH SO VERY REAL
At a press conference Monday, Rutgers University-New Brunswick announced that the university would be relocating from New Brunswick, NJ, to New Brunswick, Canada for the 2022-23 academic year. The departure of Rutgers from New Brunswick, NJ, left Johnson & Johnson and New Brunswick High School vying for supremacy in which institution would run the city and strike fear into its residents. University and government leaders had different reasons for explaining the relocation of the school to the Canadian province. Rutgers University President Johnathan Holloway noted, “Before becoming President of Rutgers, I was Provost of Northwestern University. We were in Evanston, a suburb of Chicago. I could handle
the Chicago crime just fine, but as soon as I got here, I was exposed to the horrors of the Yellow Lot. Right away, I knew this school needed to get the hell out of this current location.” Governor Phil Murphy had a different view, explaining
“Honestly, I don’t know much about Rutgers. I’m a former Goldman Sachs exec, so I only care about the Ivy League schools that I went to, Harvard and UPenn. Anyway, sorry but I have to leave this press conference early. I need to get back to doing important Continued on Page 2
FREEDOM OF SPEECH, BRO
BALD EAGLES REFUSE TO WEAR MASKS DESPITE AVIAN FLU OUTBREAK BY DR. FUDGE CURRENTLY PACKING
The 2022 resurgence of the bird flu has made its way to the bald eagle: America’s most patriotic bird. The epidemic is ravaging the avian community in what is being called the deadliest outbreak in seven years. Still, with 22 million members of the bird-community already dead from this wave, bald eagles have unilaterally refused to wear masks. While there are no explicit American bird laws mandating beak coverings, birds from other countries have flocked to mask-use. However, in a statement released by bald eagle’s Philadelphia-based lawyer, Charlie Kelly, they state, “We will not let science get in the way of our ability to exercise our
constitutional right to do anything we want without consequences”. Despite attempts by the American Red Cross to provide free masks to the community, bald eagles have blatantly flounced the charity by using the donated masks in their nest-making. Red Cross volunteers have also reported being hit with
runny bird shits from above, but police departments have refused to provide forensic analysis, so the shit’s origin remains unconfirmed. This issue has resonated so deeply with avians that the beak-mask question has made its way to the Bird Senate. On Tuesday, Birdie Continued on Page 2
Dreading Finals Since 1970
QUICKIES
Woman Blows Up On Busch Campus, More News At Five President Holloway Spells ICUP Local Condom Does Not Break During Rough Sex Congresswoman Greene Forgets She's A Congresswoman Rutgers Builds Geese Latrine Near Lucy Stone Hall Marshmallow Marshmallow Marshmallow Marshmallow News Editor Apologizes To Radio Clerk Offended By Quickie Next Week: The Medium To Interview Lil Nas X Exhausted Youths Toil Over Classwork For Millionth Time
the Medium
NEWS
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"Caw-caw, motherfucker."
O CANAAAADAAAAA!!!
I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE BIRDS ARE REAL
INSERT WITTY CANADA JOKE HERE things, like banning plastic bags and legalizing weed.” The move was met with a mixed reception from Rutgers students. Freshman Robert McRobby said “Honestly, I don’t even know what a province is. But whether New Brunswick, Canada, or New Brunswick, NJ, I don’t really give a crap. As long as I can drink and have sex I am good.” Sophomore Linda TriLinda disliked the move, saying, “I don’t want the school to move to Canada because I don’t know what Canada is. America is the only real country in my mind.” The move was part of a larger reorganization of the school.
...continued from front
Rutgers also announced at the press conference that Rutgers University-Newark would be relocating to Newark, Delaware to replace the University of Delaware, and that Rutgers University-Camden would be ceasing operations. However, both these moves received much less attention as nobody cares about these B-list Walmartbrand versions of Rutgers. (is this highlighted part too mean?). At press time, the university was ready to relocate all buildings, buses, and faculty/students to the United States’ northern neighbor.
INSERT WITTY BIRD JOKE HERE Sanders and Deb Fincher laid a motion in the nest of the senate to mandate masks in all shared spaces, like cages. Bird Ted Cruz, the infamous bird serial killer turned Senaturd, has insisted that instead of doing anything, all Senatbirds fly south to Mexico for the winter. The Birdhouse has made their stance clear, as Presibird Joe Birden is pro-mask. While Senatbirds sit on the legislative branch and peck out the law, civil disobedience continues en masse. Anti-mask protests at medical centers led by ironically skimasked participants attempting to hide their identities have distributed state workers around the country. It’s clear, however,
DUO: BEING MORE EFFECTIVE THAN THE TSA SINCE 2018
DUO STOPS 1,347 ACTS OF TERRORISM AGAINST RUTGERS BY: BANGS LAROUX I'LL BE... BULLEEEEEETPROOOOF
Rutgers has recently released information revealing that Duo, a security platform designed to stop hackers from accessing students accounts, has succeeded in stopping 1,347 acts of terorism against the state university. Duo achieves this by asking
students to confirm their identities through their phone when logging into their school accounts. Data has shown that this incentive has dramatically increased cyber safety. Rob Cock, head of security at the school hailed the Duo program “A Smashing
...continued from front
Success!”, then immediately announced his retirement. When asked why he was leaving he responded, “There's nothing left for me to do to make this campus more safe, I have completed the task that I was assigned: keeping Rutgers students safe, we can only go down from here”. A recent student found that groups such as ISIS, the Knights of Columbus and the Israeli government have been trying to access student accounts in order to infiltrate Rutgers society and bring down president Holloway. “We have the situation under control”, stated Holloway in a recent press conference. “I’m taking a red-eye to Tel Aviv tomorrow to meet with Naftali Bennett to smack him around a little! After that I’m off to Mosul to give ISIS a piece of my mind! Nobody messes with the Scarlet Knights!” Rumor has it that Duo 2.0 is around the corner. A second
that they are birds. Chief Medical Advisor to the Presibird, Anthony Falcon, tweeted out his support of essential frontline workers, calling the protestors “chickens”, although all circumstantial evidence points towards them being bald eagles. Despite how you feel about their actions, bald eagles have certainly made one thing very clear by refusing to wear their masks in the middle of a deadly pandemic: they were the appropriate choice for America’s national bird.
authentication factor which requires you to take a picture of your naked body using a self timer each time you try to log into your Rutgers account after the first authentication factor. Once the image has been scanned to make sure it's you, your account becomes accessible. If the nude full body picture is not you, 300 copies of the image are printed and thrown into the streets of New Brunswick. [Editor's Note: Alright bear with me here, I'm just trying to fill in some space... soooooo, how's the weather? Yeah, I feel that too, it's been pretty shit. You know what else is shit? This Duo nonsense. Like look man, it's understandable to try and . Oh, it appears I've just about filled up the empty space. Right, well in that case, I'll just get moving then. Good luck with your finals, my friends. I hope you fuck them all up, same goes for your essays and presentations.]
HEY, SO IF YOU JUST HAPPEN TO BE PROCRASTINATING, WOULD YOU LIKE TO WRITE SOMETHING? THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARDROOM OR LSC ROOM 109
Editorial Staff
Spring 2022
Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Kiran Subramanian Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium Human Resources Dr. H.R. Hickenbottom
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor
Carlos Domenech Kristina Patel Kyle Sabin Amit Ofek John Mahoney
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche
Doug Willig Kyle Sabin Carlos Domenech Jade Zack Some Random Pigeon
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satirical publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to birds... of all kinds. Waterfowl, birds of prey, etc.
FEATURES
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the Medium
“Go stream the new episode of Moon Knight”
DO DRUGS, I LIKE DRUGS
5 Ways to Get Through Reading Days
ANSWER IS SOMEHWERE ON THIS PAGE
By: A Depressed Pre-Med
The semester is over which means reading days and finals are coming up. Personally, I love them because I don’t have to go to class, but it reminds me that finals are soon. To take the edge off, here are 5 ways to get through this period. 1. If you’re an extrovert, just party all day and all night. You don’t have class the next day, so go hard. In fact, make a name for yourself as the most hardcore party-goer. 2. If you’re an introvert, just stay in your bed and watch Netflix all day. There’s literally no need to study because time does not exist during the reading days. I’d recommend binge-watching Ginny and Georgia. 3. If you feel that you need to study, go reserve a study space at the library and sit there “doing work”. We all know that you won’t get any work done, so I would consider booking a study space to be a major accomplishment. Bonus points if you draw dicks on the whiteboard.
5. Read the Harry Nutsaac x Kira Amethyst fanfiction from our 4/20 edition.
I AM SO EXCITED TO GO HOME FOR SUMMER AND DO ALL THE DRUGS WITH MY DAD. HE IS A CONNOISSEUR OF DRINKING AND DRUGS WHICH IS WHERE MY ADDICTION STEMS FROM. TO MEET MY DAD, COME TO LSC 109 OR THE BOARD ROOM WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM. ALSO HERE IS THE ANSWER TO THE WORDLE: PRINTS
4. Celebrate the end of the semester by throwing out all your notes. Finals are coming up so if you throw out all your notes, you have no reason to study :)
the Medium
OPINIONS
"Gulp gulp gulp gulp, gulp gulp gulp gulp"
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Do you think Olive Garden is good Italian food? "If you saw a penis in a jar wouldn't you get a closer look?" Jared. On Olive Garden's unlimited breadsticks
"I really am Waluigi getting indigestion in an Olive Garden" Julia B. Wallace Needs a bathroom right now!!! "They said the food would be out lickety split. I want them to lickety my split." Kyle Sabin, Opinions Editor I'm quoting a friend who's quoting a friend; I'm not actually this funny lol BI MEN ARE SUPERIOR THOUGH
Hot Take: Pescatarians are the Bisexuals of the Food Practices BY A LACTO-VEGETARIAN
Recently, I have been noticing a trend: pescatarians are the bisexuals of the food practices world. I know the female audience is now shrieking at me for daring to say the truth but I must. But there are similarities! Pescatarians and bisexuals sit in the middle of a conflict between two sides. For bisexuals: the straights and the gays. As my bisexual friend puts it, “We bat for both teams.” For pescatarians: meat-eaters and vegetarians. Another similarity is that they have to constantly cram their bisexuality and vegetarianism down everyone’s throats and not in a sexy way. Whenever I tell someone I’m gay, they respond with a shrill “I’m bi!” I’ve heard it so much I’ve learned to tune it out, but sometimes this backfires: once I tell someone I’m gay, they might tell me something important, but because my brain tunes it out, I miss it and end up so far behind that I just start spacing out. A similar thing happens when I tell people I’m a vegetarian. I’m met with contempt from the rest of society, especially from the people at Outback Steakhouse (I have a lifetime ban from that place, not because I’m vegetarian, though; let’s just say that I took the “bloom in” in “bloomin onion” a little too far). With pescatarians, they try to empathize with me, but what it comes off as is Tumblr superiority and it is fucking ;alksjdf;lksfd. Both are like Italy in World War 1…constantly switching teams.
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SHE DIED AS SHE LIVED: HOT AS FUCK
The Posthumous Weekly Kira Rant: SHE FUCKING HATED BUSCH SO MUCH!!!!! BY OPAL SAPPHIRE
Hello my dear readers, and welcome to the final, posthumous, Weekly Kira Rant, in which I, your host, Opal Sapphire, the beloved older sister of your beloved Kira Amethyst, will copy and paste the manuscript of the Rant she wrote right before she literally fucking spontaneously combusted after thinking too much about how much she fucking hated Busch Campus. May she rest in peace. "FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH FUCK BUSCH!!!!! Sincerely, the Queef Queen, the Deepthroat Diva, Kira Amethyst." Jesus fucking Christ, what a literary talent Kira was. It's really a shame that my younger sister died before me, but then again, she always liked to finish first. Anyway, I, Opal Sapphire, will be taking over as Rant Supplier of The Medium! These bitches are so lucky to have me and my Weekly Opal Opines. See you next semester! Sincerely, the Pussy Princess, the Chode Choker, Opal Sapphire. I GENUINELY FUCKING LAUGHED AT THIS
An Astral Poop Told Me About God BY HARRY NUTTSAAC
I have been told the truth about our Lord and Savior and the word was brought to me by an astral poop. I was resting in my bed on the brink of sleep after a long night of partaking in hallucinogenic drugs when a light flashed through my window. There before me floated a large, phantasmal poop emoji. At first, I thought it was a hallucination brought on by the many hallucinogenic drugs I had done, but then the poop began to speak and I've never had auditory hallucinations before so I knew it was real. The poop had a voice that was deep and as if it echoed through a wet cave and he spoke thus: "My name is Stercore Maximus, and I speak to you on behalf of Our Lord! Our Savior wishes you to serve him through an effort of force and sweat and blood." Shaking, I began to ask how I could serve him in such a way, but the magnificent astral poop cut me off: "Shit! Shit! You must shit with such force and ferocity that you cause the shit and the blood to flow forth from your anus like the Red Sea crashing onto Pharaoh's forces!" The poop softened his voice and, with a gesture, he said, "Here, I will help you start." With that, there was a flash of light, the poop vanished, and I began to fill my drawers. I beckon all of you to join me in serving our Lord as Stercore Maximus commanded by shitting yourself. In His name we poop, amen.
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YES SOUNDS GOOD, SUBWAY PORN SOUNDS DOPE- DOUGPORTES
ARTS
“It's gonna be pussy good!”
the Medium
GON' FISHING- GIRL WITH A JUICY ASS
THE GANG'S ALL HERE- RUTGER'S FINAL VICTIMS
BACK ON DADDY'S LAP- FATHER TIME
NGL I'M GONNA MISS THESE FOOLS. THEY'RE THE ONLY REASON THAT THE MEDIUM DOES NOT SUCK, SO HAVE FUN READING A TRASH NEWSPAPER NEXT SEMESTER! PLS COME TO LSC BOARD ROOM THIS WEDNESDAY AT 8:00 PM FOR OUR LAST MEETING OF THE SEMESTER!!!! GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF THE GRADUATING SENIORS!
PERSONALS
the Medium Yuri
"Shit yourself in the name of our Lord!"
Sukin
What should I do if I am How can I join The constantly shidding and Medium? pissing and cumming? (Apple pie always makes me (On September 23, 1987, think of Thanksgiving at my I fought my way out of a grandma's house. I know, Russian gulag, killing 15 pumpkin pie is the classic bears and 25 KGB soldiers for Thanksgiving but we on my way out. When I always had a warm apple made it to a neighboring pie with extra cinnamon in town, I met a young woman. it and it's still a classic in She was bold and strong, my household to this day. smarter than any person I You're gonna wanna start have ever met. She tended with fresh, never frozen, pie my wounds and kept me safe crust. Next, pour your apfrom the soldiers hunting ple filling in there. Cover for me. I hid behind an it with crust and bake for icebox for 468 days before three years, forty days, and they discovered me there. five-to-seven minutes. Top They killed her for keeping with a dollop of cold cum me safe, but not before she and serve hot.) spit in their faces. I loved How often is too often to her. I miss you, Katrina.) suck penis? How do I get blood stains (While The Medium out? won't be having another (Cold water is best for blood. Kristina knew that. When will it be my turn to know true love.)
open pitch meeting this semester [our meeting this Wednesday is our Election Night], the best way would normally be to attend a Wednesday Pitch Meeting. If you want to write content but can't swing Wednesdays, send it to our submission email.)
Word of the Week:
Graduation
n. Something that I am finally doing. I have stolen the Personals page from Amit this week. I am your God now!
Dicht
Why is my bussy so tight?
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GOD HAS FORSAKEN US
(Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore— While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. “’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door— Only this and nothing more.” Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December; And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor. Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow From my books surcease of sorrow—sorrow for the lost Lenore—For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore—Nameless here for evermore. And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before; So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating “’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door— Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;—This it is and nothing more.” Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer, “Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore; But the fact is I could help you stretch out that bussy of yours.”)
BE A PRODUCTIVE PUSSY - PP HARDING
If you liked this page, go visit CAPS sometime. Also, continue to read our paper every week.
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PAGE A7
"I Will Miss My Graduating Staff Members."
the Medium
This Is The Last Issue
I Can Take A Break
Is Sir Henry Sleeping With The “O” in The Ohio State?
The Last Memo For The Human Resource Department Of The Medium
By Papa Rat Z.
Sir Henry, the Scarlet Knight, has been spotted at Henry’s Diner with a new mystery mascot. Are they his next fling? As we all know, Sir Henry is a titan level chad. This guy totally fucks non-stop. And he’s not a selfish lover, either. I mean, this guy probably eats ass like it’s last call on King Neptune Night. It’s no secret either that this guy loves a scandalous affair. I’m sure you all remember the time he took “Fuck Penn State” a little too far? Our football team may not have won, but the Nittany Lion couldn’t walk without a limp for weeks!
By Howard R. Hickenbottom, On My Final Day Hello ladies and gentlemen, this will be the final memo for the Human Resources department. I am closing the office because of numerous threats to my well-being. As I write this, I have been barricaded in my office for the last week ever since someone fired seven bullets into my office walls. After I finish this memo, I will be boarding a plane and shall disappear into the ether for my own safety. Before I leave, I would like to leave something for people to remember me and my office. To do this; I have listed the worst thing each member of The Medium did to land themselves into the HR file, then I shall include the number 1 worst HR violation of the 162 violations I have tracked since I started this hellish experience. • Harry Nuttsaac and President Holloway discussed fucking Kira Amethyst in a public bathroom. • Ben Dover tried to discriminate/segregate the larger members of The Medium. • Anita Manda Hugankiss suggested jerking off in the production room. • Kira Amethyst argued with Ben Dover about if Ben Dover was Asian or not. • Dogmeat Jones said women in stem are humanities . • PP Harding touched Harry Nuttsaac’s asshole. • Persona Lee told PP Harding that their ass has a great personality • Micheal C. Hawk humped the HR file. • President Holloway and Harry Nuttsacc discussed fucking Kira Amethyst in a public bathroom. Now the worst violation that I had to catalog in the entire 2021-2022 academic semester: HR violation 69. Anna Todd made an erotic fan fiction between Harry Nuttsaac and Kira Amethyst.
That’s why the Rat Pack is convinced that Sir Henry’s new fling is with none other than the “O” from The Ohio State! Let’s look at the facts: The O beat us 52 - 13 last we played, and Henry always lets his partner finish first. O is also one of the most sexual letters out there. Think about it, it’s basically just a giant hole. If there’s one thing we know It has been absolute hell working for The Medium as the HR director. about Henry, it’s that he knows how to make Goodbye and good luck everyone. Howard Ronald Hickenbottom signing use of a hole. Plus, we already know Henry off! has a big thing for letters, walking around everywhere with that big ol’ R on his chest, I am Going To Destroy Some RU Hungry Mozzarella Sticks shield, and above his ass crack. One member of the Rat Pack suggested that “Henry could totally make the O go ‘Oh’ if you know what After taking an exhaustive and scientifically sound statistical analysis by our crack team of one one person who took an intro statistics class over the winter during their parents' I mean.”
The Medium Medium
divorce, we have finally been able to describe the average writer for this paper, The Medium Medium as it were...
True or not, Papa Rat Z supports his beloved mascot’s sexual endevors. We just ask that he Areolas: 1.329 inches in diameter, Pink, Not puffy uses a condom; the Big 10 is packed enough Believes the ideal penis size is 6.6 inches Spunky McGee's Saturday Night On One Image
Believes the ideal breast cup size is D Has a 3.507 GPA Rates themselves a 3.4 out of 6 on attractiveness, and a 4.4 out of 6 for personality Masturbates most days Has not broken a bone Is into light BDSM (no foot stuff though!) Isn't that into anime Has seen one parent, one sibling, and one grandparent naked Has not been hospitalized overnight for any reason Has shot a gun Is either a virgin or has slept with 8 people and lost their virginity at 18 Is bi/pan sexual Has played baseball Has never been in a fight Had dreams (lmao rip) Has daddy issues, mommy issues, AND abandonment issues Is spiritually agnostic and culturally Jewish Didn't like Euphoria season 2 Is 5 foot 8 Has imbibed alcohol and marijuana And has never had an STI
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SPORTS is the topic of this page. I hope this page still exists next year after I graduate. Goodybye all :(
RUTGERS UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT JONATHAN HOLLOWAY SELECTED WITH FIRST PICK IN NFL DRAFT
BEAUTIFUL JONATHAN HOLLOWAY HOLDING A FALCONS JERSEY UP. I AM TOO LAZY TO CHANGE IT TO A JAGUARS LOGO LOL BY A REAL NFL EXPERT
With the first overall pick of the 2022 NFL Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars selected Rutgers University President Jonathan Holloway. While others such as Travon Walker and Aidan Hutchinson were the favorite to be drafted first, the Jaguars ultimately selected
Holloway for his historical knowledge (he has a PhD in history) and good looks. Jaguars General Manager Trent Baalke explained the pick, noting “We knew there were a lot of good young college prospects out there, but we felt Holloway was the best bet to pick for the future of our franchise. Sure, he is 55 years old, but he played
A Final Note From the Sports Editor BY SPORTS EDITOR
With this April 27th newspaper being the final issue of The Medium we make this year, I wanted to take the time to address you readers directly. As the Sports Editor of this paper, (I won’t say my name here, but if you really want to, you can figure out who I am), I hope you’ve enjoyed reading The Medium this year. Whether this is the first issue you’ve ever picked up, or if you’ve read and saved every single copy of The Medium this year, thanks for being a small part of the community around our paper. In 2019, I joined The Medium. I found a newspaper that was insane and received funding to publish shit and dick jokes, but also an accepting group of people always welcoming to new members. In 2020, I was elected the sports editor, and ever since I have enjoyed making the sports page almost in full every week. The Medium is an interesting institution. Even though we claim to have existed since 1970, our online archive only goes back to 1998. There are some copies of The Medium from the 1970s in the Carr Library, but I couldn’t tell you anything about that era. What I can tell you is that for the last three years that I have been here, The Medium staff has put in full (or at least partial) effort into making the weekly satire publication for Rutgers as good (interesting?) as it can be. And while the paper is often crap in quality, I still hope whenever you find a copy on the bus or laying on the bottom of a trash bin, it puts a smile (or at least some type of facial expression) on your face. Now that I am graduating, I am confident The Medium will continue to have a dedicated staff that makes the paper each week. And whoever is elected to replace me as sports editor next year, best of luck, I think you will need it. With Love, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.
college football back at Stanford in the 1980s, so he has experience. Plus he is very handsome.” Jaguars Head Coach Doug Pederson didn’t comment directly on the pick, but noted after the draft that “I don’t really know how to run an NFL team, but no matter what I do, I’m going to be a better head coach then my predecessor Urban Meyer, so this will be fine.” Jonathan Holloway will not actually be the first member of his family to play in the NFL. His brother, Brian Holloway, played in the league from 19811988 as an offensive lineman for the New England Patriots and Los Angeles Raiders. He was in his 20s at the time though, while Jonathan will be 55 for his rookie season. It will be interesting to see how Johnathan’s body holds up in the NFL, but he is very attractive, so he will probably be okay. Reactions from across the NFL fan and media landscape
were mixed. ESPN Analyst and God in Human-Form Stephen A Smith explained, “I could not give a rat’s ass that Johnathan Holloway is 55 years old! This dude will dominate the league, he will be the greatest of alltime!” When informed that Holloway was the President of Rutgers University, Stephen A. took back his comments and said Holloway will be a terrible player. Jaguars fan Dillon McDillon said “As long as Holloway helps us win games, I’ll be happy. But if we keep doing things the Jaguars way, I assume we will go 2-15.” Oh wow, looks like there is some more room in this column, so I guess I need to add an extra paragraph to this article. Well, don't tell anyone, but on Sunday mornings whenever I am home alone I like to cook hot dogs and smother them in mustard and then throw them into the lake at my local park.
NBA Playoffs First Round - By the Numbers By Basketball Fan
0
0 Games played by Ben Simmons
People’s expectations that Kevin Durant has met
0
0
Games played by the Lakers (since they didn’t make the playoffs)
People who expected this many young players to play well (Jordan Poole, Tyrese Maxey, etc)
0
0
Credit this author will give to the Celtics (since I am a Celtics hater)
Chance the Pelicans had to win the series, but the Pelicans have been eating, so who knows
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