This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
April 6th, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $420.69 WASH YOUR BLANKETS, FOLKS
QUICKIES
POPUSSY TO SEND GIFT BASKETS TO INDIGENOUS CANADIANS BY HARRY NUTTSUSSY DYING OF SUSSYPOX
Last Friday,PopussyFrancussy sat down with representatives of First Nations, Métis, and Inuit peoples at the Vaticussy and issued a formal apology on behalf of the Cathussy Chussy for acts of genocide propagated by church officials over the last few centuries. However, due to continued criticism, the Popussy has decided to take further action in the form of gift baskets. The primary offense of the Cathussy Chussy toward Native Americans, besides funding expeditions into Native territories and wars against Native Americans, has been the maintaining boarding schools where indigenous children were taught to be boring-ass white kids. It was the recent discovery of the bodies of over 1,000 Native American children in unmarked graves beneath these boarding
schools that sparked further public discourse. Popussy Frussy specifically apologized for the efforts of these schools to erase indigenous identities but not directly for the physical acts of genocide that led to the deaths of untold children in
these schools. This, coupled with the fact that the Vaticussy has no plans to arrange reparations for the systemic damages toward Native Tribes that they are responsible for, has led to demands for more from the Popussy. I would make a joke here about specific comments Continued on Page 2
THIS ARTICLE IS SPONSORED BY LACROIX
SPARKUSSY WATUSSY PRODUSSIES RALLUSSY TOGUSSY TO REDUSSY CO2USSY EMUSSIES BY PAULUSSY E. RICUSSY DRINKING PERRUSSY
With the planet becoming increasingly hot and more pollussied, it’s more important than ever for everybody to do their part. As big corporations are the biggest contributors to climate change and pollussy, they must make the biggest strides. That’s why Nationussy Beverussy Corpussy (makers of Lacrussy) and Polarussy Beverussies (makers of Polarussy Ice) partnered this week for a revolutionary plan to save the world. They claim that this plan will not only lower carbon emissions but may reverse them entirely if all goes well. Here's how: As usual, the companies produce their beverages by pulling in carbon dioxide from
the atmosphere, thus removing it from circulation. They then naturally essence it by talking really loudly about how cool it is that the drink tastes like strawbussies, gaslighting the liquid into having a flavor. Finally, they ship it to stores where you buy it. But here’s
where it gets interesting. When you drink carbussied watussy, the carbon becomes pee inside your body. Polarussy and NBC are asking that all of their consumers pee back into the cans and ship it back to them. They will then distill Continued on Page 2
Ussyfying Every Fucking Word Since 1970
What Bussies Russy In Russy, Pussy, Sussies? The Answer: Sussy Nussy Carussy Combussies After UNCDuke Gussy UN Sussy Clussy Chussy Mussy Be Stussied For 949th Tussy Nussy Wussy: An Excussy Intussy Betussy The Medium And Lil Nussy X Cussies Of Omussy Subvussy X Æ A-Xii Russy In US By 300% Oil Now At $210.35 Per Bussy After Oil Resussy Relussy Prez Decussies Yer Mussy As Superfussy Site
the Medium
NUSSIES
Wednesday, April 6th, 2022
"For the 3rd tussy, fuck Vladussy Pussy."
ON SECOND THOUGHT, BURN THE BLANKETS
INSERT JOKE ABOUT CATHOLIC CHURCH HERE jmade by various fake members of Native Nations but that would be in incredibly bad taste; instead, I'll just say that the Popussy is a lil honky-ass bitch. Because one white Roman Cathussy had something bad to say and not at all considering what countless Native Americans felt, the Popussy decided to make further amends in the form of gift baskets. The gift baskets will reportedly be sent out later this week to Native Tribes. They will not contain checks for large sums of money or any of the various gold icons or furnishings from the Vaticussy, but rather symbols of positive change. Each
...continued from front
basket will have four sticks of Land O'Lakes butter, footballs from the Edmonton Elks and the Washington Commanders, a Cleveland Guardians baseball, and a bootleg Stephen Curry jersey (those things are expensive). Popussy Francussy hopes that these gifts bring peace to the four people who will be receiving gift baskets.
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OH YEAH BY THE WAY FUCK NESTLE INSERT SOME NESTLE JOKE HERE
...continued from front
the pee back into the water, which can be reused alongside the cans you shipped them back in. This also conveniently solves pollussy by reusing the cans. Be careful though; if you spill the pee at any point, it will reintroduce the CO2 back into the environment where it can reproduce. If YOU spill the pee, YOU are singlehandedly killing the planet. Other major beverage producers have expressed interest in the project. We reached out to both Cokussy and Pepussy, who have each stated they intend to join pending proof of concept. RC Cola producer Keurig Dr. Pepper also reached out for comment, but the Medium declined. Meanwhile,
former Nesussy CEO Petussy Brabussy-Letmussy demanded the project be shut down, as “pee is not a human right,” and “only I deserve to drink the pee.” Should the plan prove successful, global warming should be completely reversed by 2040.
MMM... BUSSY...
ELUSSY MUSSY BUSSIFIES TWUSSY
Trussy, has been noted by many to have a sketchy history with the South African billionaire, as many BY: MICUSSY C. HUSSY of the strifes between the LOOKING FOR BUSSY ON TWITTER SEC (Secussies and Excussies Commussy) and Elussy Mussy have often arisen as a result of various comments that the billionussy has offhandedly made on Twussy. With this sudden move by Mussy, combined with the history between the two parties, many have theorized that the billionussy intends to influence Twussy’s policies not only for his benefit, as evidenced by a poll he held on Twussy last week, but also just for the sheer sake of giving a giant middle finger to his A couple of days ago, Twitter’s overall stake. By enemies. While many scratched Elussy Mussy, billionussy, owning roughly 9% of their heads regarding Mussy’s and owner of Tussy and Twussy’s stock, the ownership motivations for this matter, SpaceXussy, invested in would make him a significant we at the Medium said to hell the social media platform shareholder of Twussy. The with wondering and decided Twussy, by purchasing website, which is one of the to ask the man himself. After approximately 74 million most heavily utilized in the shares worth $3 billion nation, and has recently banned shooting a DM to him through Twussy regarding his actual in total, or almost 9% of former US President Donald J.
motivations for the 9% stake, we got a response from him after three days. We were going to just post his whole response word for word, but considering that he threatened to sue us immediately afterward, we’ll just try to sum it up the best that we can. In essence, Mussy’s vision for Twussy, once he fulfills his wish to own the social media platform, is to ‘bussify it.' We here at the Medium have seen a fair amount of ridiculous shit, but this one… is actually pretty tame. In fact, on behalf of the Medium, I’d argue that what Elussy Mussy is planning on doing is what we all need. After all, who doesn’t want to see boy pussy on their Twussy feed?
SENDUSSY AN ARTICLUSSY OR SOMETHUSSY TO US IF YOU'D WISH THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARDROOM OR LSC ROOM 109
Edussy Stussy
Sprussy 2022
Editussies-in-Chief Kelly Mannussy Kiran Subramussy Busussy Manussy Amit Ofussy Masussy Long-Island Medussy Humussy Resussies Dr. H.R. Hickenbussy
Nussy Editor Featussies Editor Opussies Editor Perussies Editor Pagussy A7 Editor
Carlos Domenussy Kristina Patussy Kyle Sabussy Amit Ofussy John Mahussy
Spussies Editor Cussy Editor Secretussy Webussymaster Residussy Douche
Doug Willussy Kyle Sabussy Carlos Domenussy Jade Zussy Still Vladimir Pussy
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satirical publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to the actress Estelle Harris. Rest in peace, ma'am.
FEATUSSIES
Wednesday, April 6th, 2022 themedium.submissions@gmail.com
“I need sleep, I am willing to purchase heavily laced melatonin gummies”
YOU DEFINITELY SHAT YOUR PANTS
We Can Guess If You Shit Your Pants Right Now By Your Answers to these Questions By: Your Mom
1. Do you wear brown pants? Yes No 2. If you could stop yourself from pooping forever, would you take the opportunity? Yes No 3. At any point in your life, have you ever let out a shart? Yes No 4. Are you lactose intolerant? Yes No 5. Do you often say "oopsy poopsy"? Yes No 6. Are you on Busch? Yes No 7. Did you eat at Brower? Yes No 8. Do you also say “peepeepoopoo” often? Yes No If you answered yes to 5/8 questions, I’m 100% sure that you shat yourself and you are currently sitting on a mound of shit. I feel so sorry for you, but at least you’ll have a cool story to tell your friends!
the Medium
I FAILED, JK I'M AN ORGO GOD
My Horrible Experience Taking the Physics 1 Midterm By: Orgo God
Hello all, if you were in the same boat as me this past weekend, you were taking the physics 1 midterm. Allow me to share my experience taking the exam. However, first I would like to preface this review by giving a recap of my traumatic experience taking the first physics exam. I was sitting in front of this kid who could not get his calculator to work. For some background info, he brought a calculator he never used to the very first physics exam. Great idea, right? Oh and he was using his phone as a calculator for class the entire time. Well anyways, he kept calling over proctors to figure out his calculator deal, and at one point he started cursing at the calculator in front of the proctor. It was embarrassing. This went on for about twenty minutes. Finally, he got another calculator and he shut the fuck up. Because of him, I wanted to kill myself. Now, for my exam two experience. I walked in already crazy nervous. The fact that it took me so long to find my seat made it even worse. I physically had to look for my name and ID picture on my exam. How disgusting. I also noticed that the loudmouth from the last exam was sitting behind me, amazing. Once I started the exam I looked at the first question and almost shat myself. I knew that this test would be the death of me. I went on and it just kept getting worse. The conceptual questions were the main reason why I almost started crying. But on the bright side, the kid sitting behind me finally learned how to use his calculator. If you would like to start a support group or share your experiences please email themediumsubmissions@gmail.com and I would love to connect with fellow physics queens.
FIND ALL THE -USSY'S!
EDITOR'S NOTE: I AM USING THIS SPACE TO CONVINCE YOU TO JOIN THE MEDIUM. YOU CAN WRITE ABOUT ANYTHING INCLUDING ADDITIONAL "-USSY"S. WE NEED MORE WRITERS WHO ARE WILLING TO WRITE FOR FREE. WE ARE ALSO BROKE. I DO NT THINK I AM DOING A GOOD JOB CONVINCING YOU RIGHT NOW. THE ONLY THING WE CAN PROVIDE IN RETURN FOR YOUR HARD WORK ARE KISSES FROM EACH MEMBER OF THE MEDIUM. THESE KISSES COULD EVENTUALLY LEAD TO SOMETHING MORE ;). WE ARE ALWAYS DOWN FOR ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. ANYWAYS, WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS "-USSY" ISSUE. PLEASE COME TO LSC 109 OR LSC BOARD ROOM ON WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM!
the Medium
OPUSSIES
"You look like you eat your own ejaculate."
UNIVERSITY VUSSIES
What do you like to put in your pussy/bussy/enbussy? "To my sweetest Jussy, it's you I want in my pussy." [REDACTED WHITE GIRL] Oh shit, we're getting romantic on the Opussies page this week.
"A whole team of coal miners. They've been in that tunnussy for ages :)" Scatt von Urine Is your prostrate okay? "A whole peeled and diced cucumbussy" A guy I met on Easton Ave at 3:45 a.m. on a Saturday night. He was disturbingly sober. Sir, are you okay? Do you need help? I'M PRETTY SURE I'M THE REASON FOR THIS
White People Should Have More Sex In Publussy Plussies BY MICHAEL C. HUSSY
So I had an interesting chat with my colleagues about a week ago, and the topic of sex arose. It was brought to my attention that out of our entire team, I was the only one who has had sexual congress in a park; precisely, a park bathroom. From my experience, having had sex in parks three times, I genuinely believe not enough people fuck in them. Allow me to lay out my reasoning. Firstly, I think it makes for an excellent combination of convenience and aesthetic bliss. Think about it like this: if you’re fucking your partner in some dusty-ass basement, hey, if it works, it works. So for those intimate times with your partner, why not do it on a soft patch of grass, surrounded by tall trees and lush bushes? It’s lovely. Now I can imagine y’all saying, “Hey, Michael C. Hussy, don’t you risk getting caught by someone if you rail your partner in a park?” Hey, hey, that’s precisely one of the fun parts! Look, chief, I can say from personal experience that out of the three times I’ve done it in a park, I’ve only gotten caught once, which puts it at a 33% failure rate, or a 66% success rate! In the grand scheme of things, that isn’t half bad! You only risk getting a public decency charge a third of the time. So what about the scenario where your partner doesn’t want to fuck in the park with you? What if they’re a rational and rule-abiding member of society? My advice would be just to dump them. They’re a fucking prude, and they don’t deserve you.
Wednesday, April 6th, 2022
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CILANTRUSSY UNIRONICALLY SLAPS SORRY
The Weekly Kira Russy: My Whole Pussy Stank Like Cilantrussy BY KIRA AMETHUSSY
Hello, my dear readers, and welcome to the Weekly Kira Russy, in which I, your host, Kira Amethussy, will rant to you about all the things that pissed me off over the last week. And oh boy, do I have a fucking story for you this week! So three days ago, I woke up in my Hamptons mansion, on the bottom bussy of the bed I share with my sister, Opal Sapphussy (who wrote a piece on choccy mussy for The Daily Medussy last week) with the horrible sensory realization that my whole pussy stank like cilantrussy! Like, that shit fuckin stank so bad that Opal could smell it with her nostrussies from the top bunk and immediately fell the eight feet from the mattress to the floor in shock and horror. When she finally recovered from her fussy, she looked at me and said, deadly serious, "why does your whole pussy stank like cilantrussy?" And I had no answer for her. This morning (the day I am writing this) I went to see my gynecologist, Dr. Tyler Steven T. Duncan (he goes by Dr. T.S.T. Duncan) in search of answers. Dr. T.S.T. Duncan told me that the reason my whole pussy stank like cilantrussy is because it is just so clean and juicy, which makes sense because to me, cilantrussy tastes like toothpussy. Anyway, the moral of the story is that this pussy is so fucking clean and y'all should come and have a taste. Sincerely, the Queef Qussy, the Deepthroat Divussy, Kira Amethussy. MY PAGE IS JUST SHIT AND PISS JOKES OOPS
I Shit Out My Cock and Piss Out My Bussy BY RICHARD GOOCH
The title kinda says it all. Since the day I was born, all the tubes inside my body were reversed. The inside of my groin probably looks like a New Jersey construction site: all fucked up and random pipes going everywhere. It took some getting used to from my parents at first, they needed to put my diapers on backward for maximum efficacy. After that, I've definitely faced struggles of my own: I gotta sit down to pee, my shit stream takes a lot of effort to push out, and dudes constantly check out my fat hog at urinals (but freak out when they see my thick-ass shit stream). The cherry on top: women are constantly confused when they ask me to pee on them and I squat over their pretty faces. I think it will all be worth it when I get a movie made about me. Think about it, all of the saddest birth defects get turned into hilarious movies: people with progeria got Robin Williams in Jack, people with Parkinson's got all of Michael J. Fox's career, and football players got Sloth from The Goonies. Someday, they're gonna make a movie about little ol' me, where the main character (played by Dave Franco) has to traverse a world that's hostile to people who poop out their weiners and tinkle out their bussies. Okay, so my life probably isn't bad enough to deserve a movie. I mean, at least I don't have Left Foot Shit Disease.
Wednesday, April 6th, 2022
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ARTUSSIES
“Nuzzles your necky wecky... rubbies your bulgy wolgy.”
SO MISCHEIVOUS AND SCANDELOUS!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SIR HENRUSSY??? - CONCERNED FANUSSY
the Medium
THE BUSCH CENTUSSY - LOCAL SHIDDER
MATERIAL SHREKUSSY - GAY TIKTUSSY
@EVERYONE, RAWR X3 NUZZLES HOW ARE YOU? POUNCES ON YOU. YOU'RE SO WARM O3O, NOTICES YOU HAVE A BULGE O: SOMEONE'S HAPPY ;) PWETTY PWEASE COME TO LSC BOARD ROOM OR ROOM 109 ON WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00 PM
PERSONUSSIES
the Medium I
Why is my bussy so gussy? (Ok. Let’s sit down and have a conversation about this -ussy thing. I really don’t think it's that funny. I understand that adding -ussy to every other word makes it seem like we are referencing the pussy and sure, that can be funny the first two times if everyone got that we are talking about pussy, but it’s not even that clear! I had to ask, several times, what the hell a bussy was. All I got in response was giggles. If I can’t pick it up with my cum-riddled brainthen I would bet that most of our readers won’t. Basically the point of this answer is to say that I don’t get it, and since I don’t get it, it cannot be funny. So there.) What do trash cans and locker room steaks have in common? (I don’t know what a “locker room steak” is but if it smells anything like what my high school locker room smelled like than I can say that both it and the trash can smell way better than you do.) Why is the floor not the ceiling? Is there anything I can do about it? (If you flip yourself upside down and pretend you’re a cat then you can finally smell the victory inside of your iPad!)
"I really don't get this issue..."
LIKE
Dear Personals Editor, why do I feel the need to climb the observatory on the Physics building on Busch and jump off? (Well that might be because you recently learned that flying is just jumping from a high building and missing the ground. Since you happen to be on Busch you must be interested in flying. That or you might be taking a class called Mechanical Properties of Materials.) Wow, I notice that these Personals seem a lot more like the usual ones. (Good observation, I guess. Not really sure how you knew what the other questions were before this was printed. Or what you are trying to say. Or why you decided to say it. Or why you are still sending grainy pictures of what I assume is your dick to my brother's ex-girlfriend.) I want to be a real boy! (Pinocchio you might need to be careful where you say that statement nowadays.) Why did (INSERT MOVIE) win at the Oscars instead of (INSERT OTHER MOVIE)? (Why do you care?) If there is a bike chained to a bicycle rack that is not bolted to the floor am I legally allowed to take it? (No. Why are you like this.)
Word of the Week:
Ussyfication
n. the process by which gay people make random words funny by putting -ussy at the end of the word HEY KIDS! ME + YOU + BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN = THE MEDIUM
JEWS
Wednesday, April 6th, 2022
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
4/6: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
How do I make my parents disappear? (Well there are two ways and neither one is particularly good. The first is to murder them both and run off into the woods. The second is to marry your mother, kill your father, and fuck yourself. Either way, the real parents are the friends we made along the way.) If I were to take the average teaching abilities of all the engineering professors and compared it to the average teaching abilities of all the students in the engineering department, what would be the best banana to shove up my ass as I do this? (Interesting question! There are, in fact, many types of bananas these days - some are better than others for shoving up your ass as you tackle this important question. While I would like to talk about all of them, I can recommend three. The first would have to be the dining hall bananas. This suggestion comes not from the quality of this banana rather from the inevitable lack of time, money, and care that a person who is considering such a question has to spend. Since you are an engineering student you do not have the time to pursue more pleasurable bananas. However, if you are a friend of the engineering student who has decided to take on this task, here are the last two types I recommend - the pisang raja, a smaller honey flavored Banana found in Indonesia, and the classic plantain. The plantain is just for the engineering students who have been butt fucked for two or more years by Rutgers.)
YAY
What's happening Ukraine right now?
in
(In my copy of FIFA 2018 they seem to be doing fine.) Is this the Targum? (Yes.) Where is the Targum? (Here.)
OVER HERE! Wednesdays @ 8:00p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room or Room 109
Wednesday, April 6th, 2022
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PAGUSSY A7USSY
" One pussy in the hand is worth two dicks in the bush"
This isn't My Best Work
Listoussy
The Top 10 pornstars with the best pussies By: Dogmeat Jones 1.Abella Danger 2. Rae Lil Black 3. Maitland Ward 4. Lena Paul 5. Gabbie Carter 6. Nikki Hearts 7. Riley Reid 8. Ebony Mystique 9. Adriana Chechik Sonnussy
Them daffodussies By Anita Manda Hugankiss (kind of) I wandered lonely as a clussy That floats on high o'er vales and hussies, When all at once I saw a crussy, A host, of golden daffodussies; Beside the lake, beneath the trussies, Fluttering and dancing in the bussies. Continuous as the stars that shussy And twinkle on the milky wussy, They stretched in never-ending lussy Along the margin of a bussy: Ten thousand saw I at a glussy, Tossing their heads in sprightly dussy. The waves beside them danced; but thussy Out-did the sparkling waves in glussy: A poet could not but be gay, In such a jocund companussy: I gazed—and gazed—but little thussy What wealth the show to me had brussy: For oft, when on my couch I lussy In vacant or in pensive mussy, They flash upon that inward ussy Which is the bliss of solitussy; And then my heart with pleasure fussies, And dances with the daffodussies.
If you are reading this you are most likely fucked up and mentally disturbed. If this is true then you are perfect for The Medium. Meetings on Wednesdays at 8 pm at The Livingston Student Center room 109 or the board room.
the Medium
The Ussified ABC’s By: Spunkussy Mcgussy
A is for apussy, a single pussy B is for boussy, a boy pussy C is for Coussy, a cat pussy
D is for Debussy, a classic pianist E is for Eninstussy, that's a smart pussy F is for flussy, an act when a flute is placed in a pussy G is for goussy, that's a gushing pussy H is for Houssy, a horse pussy I is for Interussy, a pussy with an internet connection J is for Jokussy, that is when Batman’s Joker has a pussy K is for kaleidoscussy, it’s a kaleidoscope pussy L is for loussy, it’s a loser pussy M is for monoussy, that’s an expensive pussy N is for noisussy, a noisey pussy O is for octopussy, that’s eight pussies P is for Pussy, this is self-evident Q is for qeeoussy, a queer pussy R is for russoussy, a Russian pussy S is for stinkoussy, a stinky pussy T is for tououssy, a tough pussy U is for UVoussy, a sun-drenched pussy V is for violoussy, a violet pussy (If you have a violet pussy, see a doctor)
W is for walroussy, a walrus pussy X is for x-rayoussy, a see-through pussy Y is for youssy, a young (but legal) pussy Z is for zebroussy, a zebra’s pussy
April 6th, 2022 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPORTS are funded by a lot of money and that is great woohoo
RUTGERS ATHLETICS TO INTENTIONALLY INCREASE DEFICIT FOR COMEDIC VALUE
OUR LORD AND SAVIOR GREG SCHIANO LAUGHING ABOUT THE DEFICIT BEING INTENTIALLY INCREASED BY SMART SPORTS FINANCE GUY WHO IS NOT CORRUPT
A report released by
2021 fiscal year. Lack of ticket sales during COVID-19 due to games being played without fans, overreliance on loans from the University to the Athletic department, and the teams being really crappy were among
the NCAA in January revealed that the Rutgers University Athletic Department had a $73 million deficit for the 2020Sports Editor Opinion: Ussy-Themed Issue Presents Further Evidence RUSA Should Cut Medium Funding for Fall 2022 BY GUY WITH THE CORRECT OPINION At a March 30th, 2022 pitch meeting for The Medium, Rutgers University's satire newspaper, the paper’s editorial board decided that the April 6th issue of the newspaper (the issue this article is in) would be “ussy-themed.” This meant that at least one article from each page would be about something related to the suffix “-ussy”. Ussy, per Knowyourmeme.com, is a suffix one adds when trying to make a word sound like the word pussy. Pussy is a slang word, commonly used either to refer to the female genitalia or to insult one as being a loser. Use of the “-ussy” suffix originated in the 1990s and was popularized by internet culture in the early 2020s. A common use of the “-ussy” suffix would be to refer to a man’s butthole as his “bussy.” Use of this suffix is obviously disgusting, a weak attempt at humor, and not something that should ever be verbalized in a real life setting. Yet, members of The Medium’s staff felt not only okay to discuss this topic at the pitch meeting, but went far enough to make an entire issue of their weekly paper dedicated to the “-ussy” theme. Currently, The Medium recieves $5376 in funding per semester. The “-ussy” provides further evidence that the Rutgers University Student Assembly (RUSA) needs to cut funding for The Medium for the Fall 2022 semester. The “-ussy” issue is not the first nauseating act by The Medium this semester. The February 9th issue featured a screenshot of porn on the cover for an article about the Internal Revenue Service. And even more disgusting than porn, last week The Medium copied the template of The Daily Targum for their April Fools Daily Medium issue, a clear violation of copyright law. As the Sports Editor of this publication, I urge RUSA to immediately cut all funding for The Medium from their Fall 2022 budget. It is the only option to keep this University functioning, and keep the world free from “-ussy.”
the most direct causes of the deficit. University President Jonathan Holloway initially called the Athletics department’s deficit “unsustainable” at a press conference earlier this year. However, at another press conference hosted this Monday, Holloway changed his tone. “In order to increase comedic value, the Rutgers Athletic department will be intentionally increasing their deficit for 2022. This will allow more students to make jokes about how the football team is really shit, and will let the media have an easier time placing blame on Rutgers sports for the rest of our university's failures.” Rutgers Athletic Director Pat Hobbs joined Holloway at the press conference, and similarly praised the decision. “The Scarlet Knights athletics department is already a very funny institution. We have bad losing teams that are great for students to make fun of. The recent success of the men’s
basketball team has caused me some worry that our teams will actually be good, so by intentionally increasing the deficit, the comedic value will be sure to stay.” Students were divided on whether or not intentionally increasing the deficit was a good decision. One student who supported increasing the deficit was senior Megan McMeggeran. “Sports suck, I don’t watch sports ever. I know Rutgers sports really suck though, so the fact that they are trying to do some dumb shit here to be funny doesn’t suck, it’s cool!” McMeggeran has an IQ of 7. Other students were more skeptical of the choice. Sophomore Eddie McEddieEd explained, “The reason the athletic department is funny is because the teams suck and they are stupid. If they become selfaware and try to be intentionally funny, the world might implode.” At press time, the Rutgers sports teams are bad.
NBA Playoff Preview: By the Numbers BY QUALIFIED AUTHOR
0
0
People that are sad that the Lakers might miss the Play-In Tournament
People that remember that John Wall still exists
0
0
People that understand how good Jokic is despite being kinda fat
People that agree that it was a good move for the Kings to trade away Haliburton
0
0
People that get how the Suns are so fucking good
Making a Really Bad Newspaper SINCE 1970
Games played by Ben Simmons this season