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INSTA: @themediumRU
September 30th 2015
Volume XLX Issue III 50¢ MOST OF THIS ISN'T EVEN SATIRE
RUWIRELESS SERVER ATTACKS CREDITED TO LACK OF FUNDING BY DA MAYOR VENERABLE HOMELESS MAN
NEW BRUNSWICK — This Monday, Rutgers experienced yet another massive network failure due to a series of Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS) attacks. In the last year, Rutgers has been attacked by the same party five times. President Barchi and the Office of Information Technology are working diligently to inform students that they will remain as apathetic as is humanly possible during the attacks. The attacks have left RUWireless down for almost the entirety of Monday. Don Smith, vice-president of Rutgers’ Office of Information Technology, commented on the incident. In an email to the students and faculty, Smith wrote, “Yeah, we literally have no idea what we’re doing. We’re working on it as hard as we can, but also that’s not even very hard, so you never know. You win some, you lose some.” The email does
FROM VP TO VIP Underwhelmed by his wages, it is believed that Smith has embezzled millions.
a great job of making it explicitly clear that the OIT has no power to do anything about the attacks, despite the fancy new security investment. This is just another example of a long string of attacks. The university invested $3 million over the summer in cyber security, which was cited as the main reason for a 2.3%
tuition hike this year. President Barchi spoke out to address the concerns of excessive spending for no apparent reason. “We thought $3 million would be enough, but clearly it hasn’t done anything. We’re looking at another tuition hike for next year to combat the problem. Since cybersecurity is clearly a Continued on Page A7
SUBBED WAY
Only Matter of Time Before Local Hero's Scandal Revealed
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS IRRESPONSIBLE UNCLE
SOMERSET, NJ — Olympic athlete and local resident, Jarrel Fogwell is known for his gold medal win at the 2012 London Olympics in Badminton. He is both a national treasure and an inspiration for his community. However, all that may change before his next appearance at the 2016 Rio de Janeiro games due to incoming reports of his eventual scandal. Anticipation surrounding the upcoming reveal of the homegrown role model’s reputation-tarnishing disgrace has been the topic of discussion for many eager fans and friends of Fogwell. Some expectation that they may soon wall and throw them, tattered, have already hung posters of be able to angrily rip them off the Continued on Page A7 him in their bedrooms with the
DAMMIT MORTY! Since 1970
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NEWS
“Three beers a day, you’ll be okay. Thirty beers in a hour, and you’ll be awesome!”
SUBBED WAY
NEW BRUNSWICK — G-d spoke out this past weekend because students were in an uproar after an instructor sent a Muslim student an email saying that she should attend class during Eid. The instructor reasoned, since “G-d would want you to celebrate through Math.” But the story took a new turn this weekend, as the Divine Creator Himself released a statement about His opinions on the matter. The Lord, known by his alternate pen names “Allah” and “HaShem”, is responsible for some of the top-selling books in the world. Readers might be familiar with The Torah, its sequel The Bible, and His deeply moving autobiography, What Did I Just Fucking Tell You?: Laws For Humans Throughout the Ages. So it should come as no surprise that He is actually more interested in the arts than he is the sciences. “I’m going to be straight with you here,” the deity boomed from the heavens, shattering the ear drums and causing celestial madness in some of the closer reporters, “the STEM fields all suck. Every
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SCHEDULING CONFLICT
Almighty Creator Issues Public Statement BY MARKENSCHNITZEL PRODIGAL DAUGHTER
Wednesday, September 30th, 2015
Conservatives Worried About Gay Agenda
fucking year, some scientist tries to disprove my existence with some complicated equation he pulled out of his ass. Want to write, especially if it’s about me? Cool. Want to paint something, especially if it’s of me or my stories? Go for it, homie. But math and science belong in hell with every other demon.” The King of Kings was especially not amused with the Rutgers instructor affiliating His Holy Name with a love of math. “Are you ******************* nuts?!” He said incredulously while uttering a multi-syllable swear world beyond simple human comprehension. “I mean, I had a thing for numbers in the fourth volume of my first book, but that was just throwing a bone for all the future conspiracy theorists to throw a fit over. What the hell does sitting in a dingy classroom, listening listlessly as some sour, underpaid teacher tries unsuccessfully to teach the formulas needed for a dusty test which hasn’t been updated in decades have anything to do with MY divine worship?” According to His publicist, He was apparently so angry that he turned the moon red for a night to express his artisanal rage toward Man.
BY EATON JEJEZ GUN-TOTING FEMINIST
EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ — While many Americans are tuned into the upcoming presidential primary election, NJ-based Conservative watchdog group Moms Against Gays, Islam, & Cannabis (MAGIC) is bringing to the spotlight the appointment of the new Superintendent of Middlesex County Schools. Top prospect for the position is the openly gay 36-year-old, Brian Lockheed. A former science teacher, Lockheed left the classroom in 2009 to launch a nonprofit that redistributes old books to underfunded libraries across the country. “We think—and this is both as an organization and just a group of American mothers, myself included— that perhaps Lockheed isn’t the best candidate for the job,” said MAGIC Mom Julia O’Malley at a local rally for Donald Trump. “Take a look at his Agenda. ‘Go to Whole Foods, Watch Oprah, Go to A.C. Moore’ —is this really the person we want running our schools? I’m as worried as any mother should be.” MAGIC has been pushing instead for Randy P. Martin, 55, past-principal and current English teacher at Saint Felix High School in East Brunswick. MAGIC is a regular donor and supporter Mr. Martin’s
campaign organization, “Randy for Kids”. “You just can’t have a superintendent with such irresponsibility,” commented MAGIC’s treasurer, Alice Pickett, in a statement last week. “Take it from a mom like me— you can’t just pop a chicken in the oven and leave to go pick flowers. His agenda is pretty full, I don’t think he’ll have the full focus to run our schools. Randy Martin is always thinking about the children.” Mr. Martin agreed with these concerns Sunday, speaking at St. George’s Lutheran Church in Somerset last week: “Now, I’m not gay, and if I were— which again I stress I’m not—I’d be unable to keep a schedule like this. Look how booked Mr. Lockheed’s Wednesday is: Spin Class at 9:30 AM, followed by a Manicure & Pedicure at Nail Paradise. This just shows poor planning.” Martin continued, “He should have scheduled the ManiPedi at Jaymi’s on Magnolia. She can get him in after 6 if he goes to Williams-Sonoma in the morning, when it’s less crowded anyway. That way he can do the two-hour Spin class instead of the one-hour, and not miss the first fifteen minutes of The Real Housewives of Orange County in the evening. Do we really want this guy running our schools?”
WE'RE ON THE INSTA. FOLLOW US: @TheMediumRU ALSO, CHECK OUT OUR SITE TO SHARE INDIVIDUAL ARTICLES AND PICTURES VISIT US: RutgersTheMedium.WordPress.com THE BEARDED MAN SPEAKS UP Though most people haven't heard from the Highest Authority in years and have even forsaken monotheism for other mythologies (or lack thereof, G-d still gets super wrathful when His name is invoked for unholy, sacreligious purposes. Chrissakes, it's a good thing we at the Medium would never do anything of the sort and upset the Big Guy!
Editorial Staff Fall 2015
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Mascot
Michael Vincent Yagnesh Patel
Henry Yeh Fratypus
AND SUBMIT TO US, BODY AND SOUL! OR JUST SUBMIT YOUR WORK EACH PAGE'S EMAIL IS IN ITS HEADER OR SHOW UP AT A MEETING AND BRING ME PIZZA AND CANDY News Editors Michael Lazaropoulos Jonathan Holzsager Opinions Editor Lee Matalon Arts Editor Jake Goldstein Personals Editor Sifat Mahbub Page A7 Editor Andrew Blustein Features Editor Aly Grindall
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Matthew Fastiggi Sifat Mahbub Orion Farr Adam Romatowski William Field Exfocus
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to my shredded asshole. Brower should be condemned for having diarrhea-inducing slop and then filling the bathroom with literally sharp toilet paper.
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FEATURES
Wednesday, September 30th, 2015
themedium.features@gmail.com
“POPE CHILL WITH DOPE SINCE NOW I GUESS”
GOD SAVE US ALL
FUCKING FRESHMEN
HOW TO ADULT IN COLLEGE
LIMO BUS
BY GRIND ALL I know kids we are all growing up and it’s fucking scary, but never fear! We at The Medium are here to help you make that transition into adulthood.
BY CALLIOU
1. Your main drink of choice is now beer. You thirsty? You hungover? Grab a fucking beer you pussy. You’re an adult now, other beverages don’t exist. 2. Get ready to start talking about the weather all the fucking time. I don’t care if you actually don’t give a shit about the weather, this is adult 101. 3. Start using more sophisticated words like “mortgage” and “briefcase”. It’s okay if you don’t have either of these items or even know how a mortgage works. It’ll just make you sound smart. 4. You’re now gonna have to squint and hold your phone like a foot from your face every time you get a text. Even if you can see it fine up close, the essential adult look is squinting at a phone a foot away from your face. 5. Actually enjoy watching sports like golf????? And maybe even golfing!!!! I know it’s wicked fucking boring but adults do this shit because their body can’t do much else. This will be you someday. Old and loving golf. Congrats you’ll now be a successful adult.
Local Rutgers freshman Johnny, 18, was eagerly greeted at the Livingston Student Center bus stop by a hoard of screaming fans, according to LX bus driver Jeff, 43. “Aw man, I ain’t seen nothing like it in all my years of driving this-here bus,” stated a bewildered Jeff. “Usually this stop’s no busier than a rundown suburban strip club during Tuesday brunch hour, but DAMN! I don’t know if this kid’s like a musician or something, cause ya know I don’t listen to that new music no more, but I’ll be damned if that kid ain’t gettin’ somethin’ tonight, ya know what I’m saying?” Local “Johnn-atic” Stephanie, 19, describes her experience at the LSC bus stop. “I was having a pretty terrible day, tbh. I was late to Dance Appreciation, and I failed my business quiz. But then Stacy texted me that JOHNNY was going to get off at the LSC, I couldn’t even. So I sprinted to the bus stop in my Uggs, sweating in my sweat pants for the first time, pulled out my machete, and chopped down a line of people in the already gathered crowd to get to the front. I even got to touch Johnny! IT WAS INCREDIBLE!” “Honestly, I had no idea what the hell was going on,” said Johnny. “As soon as the doors opened, I was being pushed and pulled in every direction at once. Literally everyone and their mother was screaming and clawing at me, including mine! I guess they recognized me from that one time I made a sweet joke during Intro to Computers. It was terrifying.”
MISS YOU BAE
RIP IT RUTGERS SNAPYAK IT’S ANTI HAZING WEEK SO FUCKING SHOW UP TO OUR MEETINGS AND WE *WON’T* HAZE YOU ALSO WE HAVE FREE BOOZE ALSO YOU HAVE TO DRINK IT JUST KIDDING, NO YOU DON’T BUT DON’T BE A PUSSY, PLEDGE WEDNESDAYS, 8 PM, CAC STUDENT CENTER BEGS LIST
LOOKING: FOR A THOT TO HELP US GET ON JERRY SPRINGER IF YOU’RE CRAZY AND LOVE THE SPOTLIGHT HIT US UP AT THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM
THE CUTE THING OF THE WEEK: SUPAH MOON
BY THE BUS KID Ever since this Rutgers Story trash came back on, all I do is get nostalgic about all the fun the true Rutgers community had before all this pussified garbage. So here is what I, and probably all of the rest of Rutgers besides you wimpy freshmen, miss about the greatest Snapchat account to ever exist. 1) Boobs. Let’s cut to the chase, half the reason I would look at the RutgersSnapYak would be for the bare, juicy, and plump tits. It was like the only semi-acceptable way for me to look at breasts on the bus and in class without getting some stank eye from the girl next to me. This new story never has even a single nip-slip and has lost all of its value for me. 2) Next stop, the fucking. Blowjobs, eating pussy, doggy, missionary, cowgirl, the old snapyak had everything. The worst would be when the guy would get the girl’s face “accidently” on the feed and pretty much ruin her remaining years left here. You already know we won’t be seeing any of this gold soon again. 3) Something besides freshmen. Seriously, why are freshmen just obsessed with trying to get stuff on this feed? Don’t they get that no matter how many times they show them eating at Brower or suffering without AC, the upperclassmen will never have pity for them? And you know why? Cause we had to do the same shit. Fuck, we didn’t even have this prissy Honors College and geotags. 4) The Creepy Owner. Dude would literally walk around in a mask thinking he was a celebrity or something. No one actually cared about the owner, we just wanted more tits, but every weekend he would try to sneak into a selfie with girls and probably thought they would just drop their panties when they saw him. Dude, your comments on the Snapchats completely ruined your chance of getting any pussy for the rest of your life.
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, September 30th, 2015
“We have history, it doesn’t bear going into.” “Is it rude?” “No, she’s just a crazy stalker bitch.”
SCHISM IN MY MOUTH
I Kinda Want to Fuck the Pope BY AMBER EPSTEIN Call me crazy, but after this weekend I kinda wanna fuck the Pope. Now I know what you must be thinking: “Fuck the Pope, stop trying to be funny.” But actually, no. Really, I want to feel the Pope inside my soaked pussy. Just the sight of him going out of his way to help the poor, to help the needy. Fuck. I want to feel his papal fingers pulling my hair as he shoves his dick down my throat. Too much? I don’t care. He has the sex appeal of Harrison Ford and Bernie Sanders. The sex appeal of Karl Rove and Bob Knight. He’s caring, compassionate, powerful; isn’t afraid to speak his mind, and he would definitely have no problem going down on me. Get that tongue in me Pope Francis you nasty animal. Just look at that man of men. The leader of all which is right and just. I know it may be frowned upon, since he has taken an oath of celibacy. But I just want him to feed me a spoonful of his cum. I know, I know, it’s wrong! He is supposed to speak the word of God! He has a congregation of millions of people looking to him to be the voice of reason in this confusing world. But I want him to caress my nipples with his succulent lips. I have to go to Vatican City, and wait for my love, my passion, my light. And I’m not leaving until I get a shot of divine righteousness.
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UNIVERSITY VOICES
Are You Homesick Yet? “Yes. I miss my parents.” TV’s Adam West, The Batman
“Help, my mom and dad left me here and I want to go home.” Phil Goldstein, Abandoned by parents at Homecoming game “Nah bro, I’m an adult, I got this.” Ayush Patel, Commutes from Edison POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I Squat When I Pee
FOR YOUR HEALTH
Dr. Ben Carson’s
FIVE TIPS THE GAY for preventing
This Winter!
Hey everybody, it’s me, Dr. Ben Carson. Today I’m taking time off from my race to the White House to provide American families with health tips as the winter approaches. Did you know 4.5 million Americans catch The Gay every year? Scary. Here are my 5 tips for how not to catch The Gay this season. STAY INSIDE. This is especially important when the weather is cold, as Feral Gays may be walking around with erect nipples in low temperatures. WEAR 3D GLASSES. That’s right kids, the red and blue ones. These absorb their respective colors, rendering any strategically placed Rainbow Flags ineffective. GET YOUR GAY VACCINE. These are available at your local Chik-Fil-A or Hobby Lobby and will be sure to keep your children Gay-free all winter. Get ‘em early! CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS. Make sure to buy a proper tree from our campaign supporters, Trees-R-Us, and let the power of Christ protect you from Homosexuality. PRACTICE ABSTINENCE. Condoms are proclaimed to prevent HIV, a disease now thought to cause The Gay. They are really designed to encourage “safe” sodomy. Stay away!
BY SHAYNA LEEBERG I used to believe that women were clean and gentle creatures, but that was before I walked into my first public bathroom at the tender age of 7. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Toilet paper strewn all over the floor.The stench of dirty diapers in the garbage. The handicapped stall still clogged and water that was close to overflowing. That place felt more dangerous than walking down the streets of New Brunswick at night. I noped the hell out of there. I absolutely detest going to public bathrooms now. I try to hold it in, but bladders aren’t invincible like they are in the movies. I’m always a little traumatized when I walk into a bathroom stall and see little puddles of pee lingering on the toilet seat. There is literally so much room for the pee to go into the toilet bowl. How does any of it end up on the toilet seat? No amount of paper-thin toilet seat covers is going to prevent bacterial infections from climbing on to the back of my soft and vulnerable thighs. That is why I squat when I pee.
I Squat When I Pee
BY COREY ZHOU Who even has time to hit the gym anymore? I definitely don’t! Between pharmacy classes, my frat, and being a Tuesday regular at the Knight Club, I have absolutely zero time to work out and make sure my pecs stay in line. That’s why I do squats while I pee. It’s multi-tasking taken to the next level! I got portable weights from Amazon and I keep them in my backpack whenever I’m out of the house. I also have a pair that I keep next to the shower in my frat house. I told my frat brothers that they could use them too, just in case they ever want to squat while peeing. I do have to admit though, that when I’m doing squats, I have no control over the aim of my penis and a lot of my piss ends up on the floor. But hey, that’s what paper towels are for, right? So far, I’ve been going to the bathroom up to 5 times a day, and I feel harder, better, faster, stronger! I can’t wait to see how ripped I’m going to be at the end of the semester!
Wednesday, September 30th, 2015
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ARTS
“Damn girl, you shit with that ass?”
“BARCHI AUDITIONS” BY GENGHIS KHAN
“MARS ATTACKS” BY CAILLOU
JOIN THE MEDIUM! FOLLOW US ON INSTA @THEMEDIUMRU MEETINGS MONDAYS AT 8PM IN THE COLLEGE AVE STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439. ALSO SEND IN ART FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. THE METS MADE THE PLAYOFFS! “PENANA” BY DANKUM
“SUPER SMASH BONERS” BY SCOTT EVIL
“MASON GROWS” BY SOME SCHMUCK
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PERSONALS
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“My parents don’t know about this part of my life.”
Relationship Stuff? Now that the internet is down, I guess I’ll have sex with my girlfriend (Well I guess you now have an excuse, uh I mean, a reason, to do so.)
Wednesday, September 30th, 2015
It turns me on when my boyfriend wears his Winnie the Pooh socks to bed (This seems kind of Freudian but honestly I’m too afraid to dig deeper.)
Sucks For You
My left nipple is slightly larger and darker than my right and it’s affecting my sex life. (I feel like you want advice but all I can do is laugh.) There was a blood moon? I don’t have Netflix but The wifi went out right I guess that explains why I got that Amazon Prime as I was in the middle of my boyfriend was being Student Deal, anyone my favorite porn. Fuck such a fucking bitch. wanna Amazon and you exfocus. (Or maybe he’s just a fuck- chill? (Exfocus, you have crossed (Literally no one wants to the line and are truly evil.) ing bitch.) do that.) Update from last week: Now that the internet is Let’s be real, I’m not Great... my roommate’s down, my boyfriend is tryna “Netflix and chill” internet is down and finally having sex with I’m just tryna get my dick wet. he’s still having sex at his me! (I wanna commend you for place instead of hers... (Wow, you two sound like a your honesty. I also get the (Just barge in there with a match made in heaven.) feeling you don’t often “get hose and soak them. Then (Wifi is out again but I’ve your dick wet.”) maybe they’ll learn their found solace in the fact that My best friend’s boylesson.) we’re Big Ten because that’s friend legit looks like (I’m not a relationship what truly matters. a serial killer and I’m guru, what the fuck do I (Fuck this, I’m moving to scared. look like, Dr. Phil??) Mars.) (But which serial killer does he look like? We talking Thing I wasted my time on this week: charming like Ted Bundy or The super blood moon. But only because creepy like Jeffrey Dahmer? I couldn’t see you last night, bitch where This is important.)
were you?!?! Anyway, here’s a picture I got from Google.
I thought I was pulling out my tampon but it turned out to be a string connected to a yo-yo. (Was this part of some weird sex game? Because ewwwww.) My girlfriend thought it would be romantic if we watched the lunar eclipse together and I unintentionally laughed in her face. Now she won’t talk to me. (Well. I hope you’ve stocked up on lotion and tissues.) This school is a bigger joke than my parents’ marriage. (Um, I guess I’m supposed to offer words of comfort? I’ve got none.)
Come to our meetings on Wednesdays at 8pm in the Rutgers Student Center, Room 439! We have cake! Well, not really. But we have funny people which is better than cake and not as fattening.
themedium.personals@gmail.com
Send in personals. It’s too early in the semester for me to beg. ALSO Do yourself a favor and follow us on Instagram @TheMediumRU
The People You Hate My suitemate keeps leaving his underwear in the bathroom, and it’s disgusting.
(Ok, two options here. Either politely tell him to stop, or just burn all of his underwear. Both are effective solutions.) My roommate and her boyfriend make my room smell like dirty old semen. (So are you implying that you’d prefer the smell of fresh semen? Because I’m sure they can make that happen if you just ask.) I was fine with my roommate coming home drunk until I found my shoes soaked in piss. (Just be grateful it wasn’t your bed. That was probably your roommate’s intended target.) Autumn is here which means it’s time for me to hide some sharp objects in leaf piles. (That’s fine, just warn me which ones, yeah?)
“Omg it’s fall which finally means sweater weather and yoga pants and uggs and pumpkin spice lattes everyday!!!”literally every white girl ever. (Come on now, let’s not stereotype. Brown girls are like this too.) My parents died in a fire last night. I’m feeling pretty shitty at the moment. Is that how this works? (Whoa, I know this is called the “Personals” page but keep that to yourself Debbie Downer.)
I haven’t farted since school started. (I feel sorry for anyone you live with. The inevitable is coming. And no one is safe.)
On the first day of class I look around and decide who I will hate the most.
(Dude, I’m totally with you. Fuck that making friends bullshit. We don’t (My doctor lied. Turns out need anyone but ourselves it wasn’t Alzheimer’s. I’m because people suck and just forgetful.) The smell of dirty hair they only disappoint you I got a cowbell and now and....sorry what was it turns me on. that you originally said?) I’m the most annoying (Okay so I see we’re going person ever. to disclose our kinks to the Can we change the name (I can’t wait for you to get personals editor from now of Rutgers to “Fuckboy punched.) University”? on. Great. Dear personals editor, Who the fuck is Vic Men- (I suppose that would be my boyfriend keeps ask- sa? fitting. We do have an fuckboy infestation plaguing ing me to do anal. (Are you asking me? Be- the school. I’ll bring it up (Well, I hear there are lots of cause I have no fucking clue to Barchi the next time we instructional videos avail- and I am too lazy to Google. have dinner.) able on the internet. Google And apparently so are you. is your friend! Good luck. (I’m surrounded by too Please do not let me know (Fuck you Career Services. many “bros.” Please help.) You know what you did.) how it goes.)
PAGE A7
Wednesday, September 30th, 2015
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“We’re both free and clear to murder these people!”
SPOILERS OF THE WEEK
FAN ART!
Breaking Bad: Walt lives and becomes a DEA agent Se7en: There’s a dick in the box The Usual Suspects: Keyser Soze is Kevin Spacey… this one is legit Mad Men: Don Draper is actually in an insane asylum and has imagined everything Harry Potter: Harry dies and voids his bowels Lost: Hurley loses a lot of weight and replaces Jarred as the spokesman for Subway even though there wasn’t a Subway on the island The Sixth Sense: There are actually five senses
COME TO OUR MEETINGS ON MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS. WE MEET IN THE RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439. AND GUESS WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT... WE MADE AN INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT!!! GO FOLLOW US @THEMEDIUMRU
The Hunger Games: Only Katniss lives but she never found any food Toy Story 3: Woody goes insane and holds the other toys hostage, killing them one by one, until he gets his boots cleaned
NOBODY CARES! SERIOUSLY
...continued from Sports
By An Amazing Fan Who We Didn’t Get Permission To Use This From
FROM BADMINTON TO WORSE WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WORSE?
...continued from News
them, tattered, into the garbage. “It’s absolutely exciting to watch the media’s systematic process of turning the boy we all grew up loving into a horrid monster worthy of our collective disgust,” says Somerset Middle School teacher Rachel Herbert, who taught Mathematics to Fogwell during his potentially revolting upbringing. “I remember how he would always practice after school every day and I can just picture how he may have been cutting the eyes out of magazine photos or something equally disturbing that led to his derangement. I have so many theories and I just can’t wait to hear what his scandal is so that I can lose all pride I previously had for teaching him!” RIDING KAWASAKIS The athlete’s achievements have also inspired many fans who are excited to have reality come crashing down on them in due time. One local fan, Eric Doten SWEET BRO! ...continued from News of Hackensack, shared his feelings on the matter. “I feel like I’m at the peak of a dead end, we’re probably just going to give the bulk roller coaster,” said Doten, who was inspired by Fogwell to lose 176 pounds after of the next tuition hike to the football team to see if his gold medal win. “I can’t wait until my betrayed feelings cause me to forget all about my goals and relapse into obesity. Jarrel is my second role model, so I’m that helps.” Some students remain skeptical that giving more used to being dependent on the influence of others to form my life goals.” Fogwell has been tight-lipped amongst the hype surrounding his eventual money to the football team will improve the quality of RUWireless, but OIT and President Barchi insist fall from grace, but our reporters are working tirelessly to bring you whatever we can from digging through his garbage every Monday night at 7pm. that they have completely run out of other ideas. An accountant for Rutgers’ OIT department, who wishes to remain anonymous, agreed to talk to the Medium about the spending. “Honestly, I don’t even look at the books so I’m BILLY RAE JEPSEN: HERE’S MY NUMBER, CALL ME ACHY not entirely sure where the money went… some of it’s probably in some Swiss bank account, but I do know Donny bought his daughter three jet skis for her Sweet Sixteen last month. I’m sure at least four or five hundred dollars went to cybersecurity.” While what actually happened to all of the extra money that we gave to OIT is a mystery, the only thing that Don Smith has confirmed is that it’s not going to get better. No, you fucking idiots. It’s because I feel remorse for hitting my wife and ruining my career. Get a grip.” After hearing Rice’s comments, reports were released claiming that You were doing some selfreflection and that it would take some time before You could apologize to all the people whose time You wasted complaining about your fantasy team to.
COME TO OUR MEETINGS MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS IN THE RUTGERS STUDENT CENTER ROOM 439 AND GO FOLLOW OUR NEW INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT!!!!!!!! FOLLOW US @THEMEDIUMRU
September 30th, 2015 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com IN YOUR DEFENSE, MARSHAWN LYNCH IS SCRWING ME RIGHT NOW
REPORT: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR FANTASY TEAM BESIDES YOU
BY REBELLIOUS JOHN CLAYTON
NEW YORK— Fantasy football can be a head-scratching, heartbreaking game sometimes. The week to week turbulence and unpredictability is too much to handle for some football fans. Still, the ones who play religiously know the struggle of being let down when a player listed as probable does not end up starting or a stud quarterback fails to generate any points. The above reasons are why local resident and avid fantasy football player You was very surprised to learn that when your fantasy team shits the bed, absolutely no one else on planet Earth besides You cares at all. “How could nobody care?” You ask desperately. “CJ Andersen and Lesean McCoy were two of the safest bets in fantasy and they suck for me this year. Now Jake is gonna brag about how much better
"IT'S NOT FAIR!" An apoplectic Roger Goodell does not care about your fantasy team, but he does act under the misguided notion that other people care about his team. Pictured above was Goodell complaining about losing to a team with Brady, seething over how "that bastard should have been suspended anyway."
he is than me even though he autodrafted his team. This is a big fucking deal.” Despite Your wishes that someone out there gives any sort
KEYS TO THE MATCH UP: KYLE FLOOD vs. BOB BARCHI
-Put the pressure on Barchi by gifting him a clock with the inscription "Coach Flood is the football guy I like the most" -Pay a lawyer enough money to convince the courts that you can't be fired for being moronically ignorant and not realizing you broke any rules -Wear non-Rutgers apparel. They can't fire you if they can't find you -When Michigan State blows RU out, lie through your teeth and say your presence might have made a difference
-Firmly resist any clock-related bribes from your opposition - Promise that if Flood is fired you will spawn money out of thin air to hire a big-name coach that Rutgers fans are clamoring for -Fire Flood in dramatic fashion by performing an interpretive dance titled "Flood's Finale" -Get incarcerated so you can ask former Rutgers players for dirt on their former coach -I said don't accept clock gifts you idiot! Well played Kyle
of a fuck about the struggles of your team, the numbers do not lie. 99.6% of survey respondents rated their “care about your team” rating on a scale of one to
ten as a negative six, with only You responding with a ten out of ten. “Alright fine, maybe other non-football fans or fantasy football players don’t care when my team lets me down. But I know the actual NFL guys must feel really guilty when they suck for their fantasy owners,” You confidently claim. Unfortunately for You, You could not be more incorrect. According to Demarco Murray, winning games for his fantasy owners is “about as meaningful for me as the Black Lives Matter movement is to Riley Cooper. We clear?” Former Rutgers and Ravens running back Ray Rice also added his insight, stating that he “couldn’t sleep at night after the events of last year. Do You think it’s cause I let down a few fantasy owners? Continued on Page A7
Women's soccer wondering if they should start screwing up
BY SHREG GIANO
PISCATAWAY, NJ—The Women's Soccer Program has been faring better than any other Rutgers teams this fall season. Their success can be viewed in stark contrast to the turmoil and darkness surrounding the Rugers Football program. Still, the football team manages to fill High Point Solutions stadium against meager competition like Kansas while the well-behaved and ranked women's soccer team struggles to get any sizable attendance at their biggest home games. Some might claim that football is inherently more popular. But the women's soccer players are quietly starting to wonder if it is not the sport of football that draws attention, but the plethora of off-the-field drama associated with it. "Yeah I've stopped going to all classes hoping that my pending academic ineligibilty is enough of a story to attract some attention later in the
the one who knocks SINCE that time doors were invented
season," Captain Sarah Myles told reporters. "I just recently acquired illegal firearms and I'm looking to one-up the football team by commiting armed robbery in the middle of the game," junior Rose Ashland told reporters matterof-factly. The player's efforts may be misguided, but their heart and willingness to sacrifice for their team should serve as an example to the spoiled football team.
"WHY DO WE BOTHER?" This soccer player is probably making an impressive play. But with the amount of attention they get, who would even know?