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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
April 13th, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $420.69 IMAGINE PROPERLY TREATING YOUR WORKERS WELL
QUICKIES
BEZOS, OTHER EXECS TO MAKE STRATOSPHERIC JUMP IN ORDER TO FORGET AMAZON UNION VOTE BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE CANCELLING MY PRIME
Major waves were made regarding the organized labor movement last week as a new union was formed in, out of all places, a major Amazon facility in Staten Island, NY, called JFK8. The union in question, called the Amazon Labor Union (ALU) was organized by former Amazon employee Chris Smalls, who had been fired from the corporation in 2020 following his efforts to recruit people for the union. While many have celebrated the unexpected success of the new union, as a previous attempt to unionize in Bessemer, Alabama, failed last year, many have also anticipated that as a result of this unforeseen victory, the multi-billion dollar company will consider and pursue all avenues possible in order to stall the unionization process as long as
they possibly can. One of the aforementioned avenues being considered, alongside Amazon’s current legal attempts at repealing the vote by suggesting that the union votes were acquired by ‘bribing’ Amazon employees with marijuana (which
is legal in NY, mind you), is by having many of Amazon’s higher ups simply forget about the union vote by any means necessary. How? Bezos, alongside the rest of Amazon’s executives, intend on giving themselves the mother of Continued on Page 2
NEXT STOP: DELAWARE
WHOLE NJ POPULATION TO MOVE OUT OF NJ, MAKE IT SOUTHERN NEW YORK BY LEAHCIM C. EKWAH PACKING MY FUCKING BAGS
A survey was released recently focusing on how New Jerseyans around the state currently feel about living within NJ and whether they would move out or not, given the opportunity and resources. The survey showed that out of the 1,269 people who provided an answer, all of them (100%, in case you can’t do the math) said they would leave the state. Once the survey was released and seen by the NJ state government, Governor Phil Murphy (a Massachusetts native, weirdly enough) enacted a decree declaring that the entire state population of New Jersey, following July 31st, 2022, would be evacuated. Regarding his reasoning,
he stated, “It is in the spirit of every New Jerseyan to utterly shit on their own state. After hearing the results of a recent survey regarding how New Jerseyan’s feel about our state, I figured it was about time that we just up and left. It hurts to be the one to make the call, but if
that’s what the people want, it’s what the people want.” While New Jerseyan’s sentiments regarding their home have always been rather poor, it has drastically grown worse within the past couple years, primarily as Continued on Page 2
Wanting To Eat The Rich Since 1970
Judy's Restaurant Makes Dissapointing Cuban Sandwich EU To Sanction Two Of Putin's Testicles Cricket Player Dismissed As Pakistan PM Finns To Finnish NATO Application Soon Next Week: An Exclusive Interview Between The Medium And Lil Nas X V. Zelensky & B. Johnson To Start New Podcast Sports Editor Turns Out To Be GOATed At Bottle Flipping Humans To Turn Into Sauce-Stained Tupperware By 2050
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"For the 1st time, fuck Jeff Bezos."
WORKERS' RIGHTS, AM I RIGHT? INSERT WITTY AMAZON JOKE HERE all concussions by conducting a series of Baumgartner-esque jumps from the stratosphere and cracking their skulls open against some rocks or some shit at terminal velocity. With the obscene mountains of money they all have, they should be able to survive based on that fact alone. Once they recover in some swanky private hospital due to some stupidly expensive but experimental treatment, they’ll likely have lost any memory of the past five or so years, if not, all of their memories in general. So, one may ask, why go through all this trouble, why would one give themselves potential brain damage just to not acknowledge
ACTUALLY FUCK DELAWARE... SOUTH DAKOTA ...continued from front
the formation of a new union? Simply put, if they don’t have the slightest clue as to what a union is, let alone the concepts related to bargaining and negotiation, it would likely take the ALU an insurmountable amount of time, which, for a company just trying to avoid paying their workers a living wage and providing them a safe working environment, is all that matters.
THIS IS LITERALLY 1984
NEW LAW REQUIRES EVERYONE TO WEAR TWO HELMETS ALL THE TIME BY: CON CERN LOOKING AT EBAY FOR MILSURP GEAR
Recently, new legislation has been brought into committee. The Perpetual Safety for All Americans bill would require every American to wear two helmets everywhere they go. In the Senate Health, Education, Labor, and
Pensions Committee, many experts were brought in to talk about this serious issue. One of the most prominent experts that testified was Dr. Anthony Fauci. According to written records, Fauci stated, “The Committee neeeds to paesss this bill. Since noone caares
INSERT NEW JERSEY JOKE HERE
...continued from front
a result of drastically increased real estate prices, growing tax rates, and other circumstances. The first reason has been theorized by many to have been provoked by a sudden influx of New Yorkers moving out to New Jersey in order to avoid, ironically enough, high real estate prices. As a result of this said influx, alongside Governor Murphy’s order, NY Governor Kathy Hochul has stated that following July 31st, all of New Jersey would be annexed into New York and will be officially called as Southern New York. With an entire state’s population to up and leave within the span of three months,
abouit COVID, I neeed a new issue to preach to Ameericans about”. After that statement, Rand Paul (R-KY) started to speak. Unfortunately, Fauci decided to take a preemptive strike on the Senator and tried to shoot the Senator with a rocket launcher. Fauci was then removed from the committee hearing. After this incident, Fauci tried to reenter the meeting and started to scream about therapy sessions, but was still removed from the committee. Eventually, the session continued with a discussion of the bill. One of the most critical comments made was by Senator Bernard Sanders, the grandaddy of the millennial thought process, and why the economy sucks. He stated, “Karl Marx would have wanted this. We need to have this bill pass. If you don’t pass this bill, you are going to kill grandma. However, I offer an amendment that includes making all Americans wear
the question must naturally be begged: where will everyone go? When we asked one man where he would go following the evacuation, he answered, “Fucking California man, where else? It’s basically like this state, but with more homeless people, more fecal matter on the ground, and more weed. Food over there is pretty fucking good too, unlike this pork roll shit we got here." [Editor's Note: Shortly after this statement, the man interviewed in question was promptly killed by an angry mob]
steel-toed boots as well”. Because of this, Republicans started going into a frenzy. Tim Scott, trying so hard for 2024, stated, “This is the end of democracy in America. We are soon going to become the Soviet Union, where we’ll all work on farms and go to the gulags. I support a bill where people should be able to wear no helmets and drink unpasteurized milk, but in exchange, we put $700 trillion into the national debt.” The Medium has taken no stance on this issue. While we think that wearing two helmets is incredibly stupid, we also think it would be fucking hilarious to see everyone wearing two helmets. This is an important issue we wish that RUSA presidential candidates should have been more considerate about this. Because of this, The Medium chose not to endorse a candidate, but we would hope to see candidates address the bill in the future.
HEY, YOU! YES, YOU! HI! YOU, UH, WANNA WRITE SOMETHING FOR US BY ANY CHANCE? THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARDROOM OR LSC ROOM 109
Editorial Staff
Spring 2022
Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Kiran Subramanian Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium Human Resources Dr. H.R. Hickenbottom
News Editor Features Editor Opinions Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor
Carlos Domenech Kristina Patel Kyle Sabin Amit Ofek John Mahoney
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Resident Douche
Doug Willig Kyle Sabin Carlos Domenech Jade Zach Always Vladimir Putin
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satirical publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to the Amazon Labor Union in Staten Island; kick ass out there guys!
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FEATURES
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“Happy Holidays”
I CRIED
CROSSWORD ATTEMPT #2 (ANSWERS ON ARTS)
Top 10 Ways of Dealing With a Mental Breakdown By: Hugh Janus
1. Repress all of your emotions so they never surface and you never have to deal with a breakdown ever. I suggest making jokes about how you are doing. My go-to phrase is “I am great” with the same tone that your mom uses when she tells you to come down for dinner for the fifth time. 2. Take a nap. You deserve it queen. I can’t believe that you had a mental breakdown in this economy. They’re so rare nowadays so you should definitely treat yourself to a nice, fat, nap. 3. Try journaling. Instead of taking it seriously though, just draw a bunch of dicks. 4. Start crying and look at yourself in the mirror. You will have the most amazing glow and you’ll automatically feel ten times better. If you can’t cry, just punch yourself in the face. 5. Go to Honeygrow and get yourself the best stir-fry ever. Honeygrow is as authentic stir-fry’s could be so it will cheer you up. 6. Go to Busch and become one with the geese. 7. Stalk people. Voter records are public knowledge which means that you can find addresses of people you know and then Zillow their homes. 8. Invite your friends to a crying session with you. It is truly an amazing bonding experience. It’s kind of like when hazing was a thing and they would laugh at the pledges. In this case, it’s your friends laughing at you because you and I both know that they are not going to cry with you. They’ll either laugh at you or stand there awkwardly because they, too, do not know how to deal with emotion. 9. Walk or take the bus to Livingston Student Center and go to room 109 or the board room on Wednesdays at 8 pm. You’ll either have a great night to which you will go home and cry in your room or car, or you’ll have a mental breakdown in front of The Medium and we will all laugh at you or stand there awkwardly. 10. Do not do any of these things I have just said. I have no idea what I’m talking about.
IF YOU ARE IN THE ERNEST MARIO SCHOOL OF PHARMACY PLEASE COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS IN THE LSC BOARD RM OR LSC 109 ON WEDNESDAYS AT 8PM. I HAVE WORDS FOR YOU.
I LOVE THE RUT
Words You Are Not Able to Say on Rutgers GroupMe Chats and Zoom Call By: Ewroll 8194
Recently, Amazon was caught creating an app for workers to prevent talks about unionizing and striking. For example, according to The Intercept, “An automatic word monitor would also block a variety of terms that could represent potential critiques of Amazon’s working conditions, like ‘slave labor,’ ‘prison,’ and ‘plantation,’ as well as ‘restrooms’”. These kinds of censorship happening at Amazon got The Medium curious, does Rutgers University censor its students? To do this, we needed to hire some Computer Science kids to go through the code and see what was happening. Unfortunately, because RUSA is paying us in peanuts, we had to think about other ways to fund this endeavor. We eventually settled on a solution. If a Computer Science kid helped us out, they would be able to shake the hand of one of our female editors and get a free stick of deodorant or a loofah. After having them run through an analysis of the data, here were the 3 most common phrases Rutgers University banned. 1. RU SCREW: This one was no surprise given all that Rutgers has done to try and prevent students from complaining. And what is there to complain about, between the Rutgers Business School faking jobs to improve their numbers, Rutgers Business School seniors selling classes to freshmen, and basketball coaches throwing basketballs at players while yelling homophobic slurs at them there is so much to love about this university. 2. DADDY HOLLOWAY: This one hurts us the most. All we want to do is show love for our great president, but Rutgers is preventing us from doing it. We love him and want the feelings to be reciprocated. President Holloway, if you are reading this, come to a meeting, our treasurer would love it. 3. COVID-19: There is absolutely no COVID at Rutgers. So what if many students reported getting sick from the virus and dorms were overrun, those are merely fake news talking points only Penn State would bring up. Because we are so confident in the lack of COVID-19 at our university, we are going to be cutting back on testing and making students wait longer for said tests. I hope that this encourages students to come back to the university and we can cut back on online and asynchronous classes.
the Medium
OPINIONS
"My pussy AND bussy belongs to someone now."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How many times have you cum today? "At least five or six times, I think. I might have lost track, I'm not gonna lie." Hydro Homie Girl are your balls okay???
"Does it count if I came a little when I looked at a picture of Brigham Young?" Ashley Matthewsack Girl??? "Exactly once, but I produced so much semen that I filled an entire whiskey glass, and then it overflowed. " A twink I met on Bayard Street Girl??? (Send pics.) CINEMATIC UNIVERSE WITH THIS FUCKING
Cum On Her Back-story: A Medium Fanfic BY ANNA TODD
Harry Nuttsaac looks up at Kira Amethyst. “Oh, I think I dropped my pen,” says Harry seductively. “Yes, I can see that,” says Kira, trying to act like she doesn’t care (she does). Suddenly, Kira’s and Harry’s eyes lock and the rest of the world melts away. Harry breaks the eye contact when he slowly turns around on the ground. He then pulls off the “bend and snap” with an ass that won’t quit. “See anything you like?” Harry says, mouthing his finger. Kira just stares, using every ounce of her energy to keep her feelings at bay. “I- I-…I- I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!” Kira cries, running out. Harry reaches out for her hand and stops her, thumb caressing her knuckles unconsciously. They stare longingly at one another. “I told you this wouldn’t work, Bootylicious Babe,” moans Kira. She knows using her old nickname for Harry will hurt… and it did. “Iif you put some effort in, it would.” He tightens his grip on her wrist. “Harry, you’re hurting me,” says Kira, knowing what’s coming. “Good,” Harry growls. He kisses Kira, hard. They then smash, hard. There are no appropriate words for it. “You should smile more,” says Harry as Kira fondles his bulgy wolgy.
Wednesday, April 13th, 2022
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MY FELLOW EDITORS ARE RUINING THE KIRA
The Weekly Kira Rant: The Good, The Bad, And The Lukewarm BY KIRA AMETHYST
Hello my dear reader, and welcome to the Weekly Kira Rant, in which I, your lovely host, the Queef Queen, the Deepthroat Diva, Kira Amethyst, will tell you all about the trials and tribulations of the past week. And boy do I have a rant for you, because this past week was So Fucking Much, in good, bad, and completely lukewarm ways! The good: I have found a man who I am willing to give my entire ushy gushy pussy to! My whole wet hole! He is of entirely average height, and of entirely average length, but although I am the Queef Queen, I am not a Size Queen. The bad: he has multiple undiagnosed mental illnesses that prevent him from being able to fully commit to me. So while he has fully committed to this entire ushy gushy pussy, everything else about me makes him anxious. The lukewarm: my whole ushy gushy pussy STILL stank like cilantro! Apparently Dr. Tyler Steven T.D., my beloved sugar daddy AND gynecologist, was wrong, and the cilantro stank is not a symptom of having clean pussy, but instead it is because my pussy has genetically evolved to be scented! It's just like those lip balms, but the lips in question are my labia lips! Sincerely, Kira Amethyst, who, importantly, is NOT sexually involved with H*rry N*ttsaac. SLANDER FUCK YOU JADE WHAT THE FUCK
I've Lost Count of the Lost Items In My Ass BY DILLON DIXSON
Do you guys remember in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows how Hermione had that bag that's infinitely big on the inside, like the TARDIS? That's my asshole. I have shoved so much shit up there, both individually and at the same time. I could write an entire Opinions piece just listing the things that have gone up my ass: a Coleman water bottle, an iPhone 6, a bad dragon dildo, a miniature dragon figurine, a box of 64 Crayola crayons (once one after the other like a super long pole and once tied up like a giant chode), an entire diced-up cucumber, a lava lamp (turned on, just like me), a tampon (it was Women's History Month and I wanted to feel connected to my feminine side), and a bust of Abraham Lincoln, just to name a few. Regardless of how well I remember what I've put up there, it's hard to get them all out again. A lot of what I've put in my ass has gotten lodged in there, has been pushed further up than me or my friends can reach, or has simply disappeared into the void. If you are or know of any members of a mini crew who want to go on a funded expedition, let me know. Editor's Note: I recognize the logical inconsistencies between the Weekly Kira Rants and the newly started Kira Backstory Medium Fanfictions. You, the reader, should be aware that the only Kira Cinematic Universe canon you should believe is that which is addressed in the Kira Rants. The content of the Fanfiction is entirely fictional.
ARTS
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“Get ready to be investigated.”
"THERE AIN'T ENOUGH ROOM FOR THE 3 OF US. ME AND MY POODLE ARE STAYING," - FROG COWBOY
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TRIVIA CRACK ON CRACK - TITO
MURDER @ EMSOP - THE ROCK CROSSWORD ANWERS- FEATURES EDITOR
I'M PRETTY SURE I SPENT MORE TIME WATCHING AOT LAST WEEK THAN DOING ANYTHING ELSE, AND I WOULDN'T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY. IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT AOT WITH ME COME TO LSC BOARD ROOM OR ROOM 109 WEDNESDAYS AT 8:00 PM
PERSONALS
the Medium Don't
"Fuck, kill, marry - Mom, Mom, and Step-Mom"
Look
?siht dear uoy naC (The funniest part of this joke is your reflection in the mirror you use to read this.) Should I go to Rutgers?
I’ve heard that people think it’s okay to steal from the dining halls, but stealing is wrong–-what do you think about this issue?
(No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Okay, only if you’re in-state.) What is it about necrophilia that’s so wrong?
(My thoughts on this issue are simple. I think the morality for stealing from any establishment is entirely reliant on their dedication and fanatic devotion to Winnie the Pooh. If a mom and pop shop denies the prophet Winnie, they deserve to have their windows broken and their building burned to the ground. If your local Costco encourages all their shoppers to renounce their American citizenships and join the Brotherhood of Pooh then any shoplifting should be punished by death. So about the dining halls, I’m not sure - you decide for yourselves!)
(God, I’ve asked this question to my mother, my father, the jury, and the judge, and all of them just said “[REDACTED] you’re sick.” Fortunately for me, I did not let them pin my sexual fantasies on being “mentally unstable” and now I get to talk to them at least three times a week for at least a year about why I was wrong.) If your boss forgets to pay you and your drug dealer demands “The Money” what do you tell him to make him believe that you actually didn’t get paid this week and that you’re not just blowing him off? (Well, why didn’t your boss pay you in the first place? This sounds like a you problem.)
Wednesday, April 13th, 2022
A photon in a one dimensional box with length L = 7 * 10^-10 m has a minimum energy of what? (Please write the units and include your work!) (Chegg.com)
Word of the Week:
Disappointment n. Last weeks paper
FIND YOUR HAPPY PLACE! mine is right here, with you, at this moment. owo
Down
I want to see my girlfriend naked—is that normal? (If she’s as hot as mine then yes. Frequently.)
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4/13: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
Why does RUWireless Secure take 5 minutes before connecting to the internet? (Ah, I too fell into the trap into believing that Rutgers simply doesn’t care about us and that our tuition money goes into building useless buildings that we can’t actually access, but then I realized that I should just love the 5 minutes it takes to connect to the Internet. It’s time for me to relax. Time for me to think about the deeper meaning of life - to ponder the endless existence that we are all a part of. Blessed be the time it takes for my computer to connect to the Wifi for you are my savior and I am your follower.) How come I get turned on by pictures of nude ladies? (Because a nude woman is the most beautiful thing in the entire known universe. Although I have heard rumors about a really good ice cream place in an unknown part of the universe that is said to rival nude women.)
HERE Last night I saw a falling star and I didn’t get the wish I asked for. Can I talk to a manager? (Yes. Give me five seconds. Okay the manager is not available right now; can I write down your message, the best number to reach you, and if you have any allergies to latex?) Is there something out there worth living for? (Yes. Me for example. My juicy fucking ass. My gorgeous toes. My glistening cock and balls. What’s that? You wanted something more “meaningful?” Well. For you, nothing, I guess. ) I always wanted to try a hot dog. (I think bestiality is not kosher. Unless you use a kosher hot dog. Then it's fine.)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H. WED 109 or BOARD ROOM LSC 8pm to 9pm
Wednesday, April 13th, 2022
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PAGE A7
" You Sling Blade looking, country, inbred, sister fucking piece of shit"
Poem Time
Hopeless Romantic By Stanford Wang
Another man you don’t know passes by And he looks just like any ordinary guy Tall, with facial hair and fair smooth skin And a mysterious personality that comes from within You follow him, he's cute. You're interested in him Which, of course, you are, ‘cause you’re a little simp. You think he’s the one. The one and only While ignoring the fact that you’re sad and lonely. He’s on the phone with his girlfriend. Oh wait, he’s straight. Goddamnit Stanford. You knew it wasn’t fate. And thus continues the journey for a significant other
I Put This Paper Together Every Week, Nothing Changes.
Fishing Report 4/13/22 By: Micycle Sneaker It looks like Mother Nature found out about my edging kink and is HAPPILY indulging in it. You know your boy was ready to get out there in the very beginning of March because reports were saying that birds were diving in back-bay, but with the cold fronts coming in every week we haven't had a chance for the season to improve at all since then. Furthermore, for the last month every time the brim has started to make their nests, it rains just enough to push them back into deep water. Fuck me I guess, right? I'll write a better fishing report when things start coming together. Until then, I'll be tied up on the milking table.
the Medium
Gold Is Only Valuable Because It's Shiny
The Morrissey Report By the forbiddenburrito
“You know what never looked good? Bib overalls on short people!” says M. Morrissey, an enigma to the DJs at 90.3 RLC-WVPH FM in Piscataway or 90.3 the Core for short. His age is unknown, but many DJs assume he’s immortal. “He texts me some of the most profound paragraphs, like that time he chased patrons out of an exotic bar with the chef who was an ex-marine,” says DJ Mr. Giveyourgirlback from the Grandslam. “I love him, though, except for when he tried to stage a coup d’etat on us by telling our high school partners to do it,” he says. “We were in a club, and a guy named Vance was depressed, and everybody was trying to help him! He wanted them to let him be! Suddenly, someone said, No, Vance… you can’t set yourself on fire, but he did!” was the most recent text from M. Morrissey on Sunday at 3:44 PM. Many DJs wonder what he does for a living because he’s always constantly tuning in. Beloved or hated, DJs have developed a soft spot because he’s the only person who tunes in every, and I mean EVERY, program RLC-WVPH has. “He’s been holding it down for me since 2020; those texts give me strength,” says Mr. Giveyourgirlback. “Every night when I pray, I don’t pray to God; I pray to Michael Morrissey to bless my show and for him to have a good day." He was holding back tears when he said that. Strange stories with the occasional compliment about the music are how Michael Morrissey rolls, and it doesn’t look like it will be stopping anytime soon. The station welcomes Michael Morrissey with open sweaty arms; he is our beloved treasure who texts in the most intriguing, no boundaries type stories to us. We hope that we may one day meet him, to tell him how much his stories mean to us, whether to tell us how much he hates short people in bib overalls, witnessing people set themselves on fire, and chasing patrons out of an exotic bar with an ex-marine chef. WE LOVE HIM.
If you are reading this you are most likely fucked up and mentally disturbed. If this is true then you are perfect for The Medium. Meetings on Wednesdays at 8 pm at The Livingston Student Center Room 109 or the Board
April 13th, 2022 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPORTS are an activity played fully clothed and not naked
LOCAL COLLEGE SATIRE PAPER FACES UPCOMING POWER VACUUM IN SPORTS DEPARTMENT
WHO IS THIS GUY? HE'S NOT MISSING, BUT HE PROBABLY SHOULD BE. BY QUALIFIED SPORTS EDITOR
The
Medium, the satire newspaper of Rutgers University, faces a period of uncertainty for the upcoming Fall 2022 semester. Douglas Willig, contributor to the
paper since 2019, is set to graduate with his bachelor’s degree next month. Willig has been the Sports Editor of the paper since the Spring 2020 semester after he was elected to replace former Sports Editor Advait Suvarnakar during
Why Ohtani Is My New Tall Baseball Daddy BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE
the December 2019 election. Once Willig is gone from Rutgers this Fall, it is unclear who will take over in his place as Sports Editor. In his time at The Medium, Willig has been the only member of the staff to reliably contribute sports content on a consistent basis. On occasion, other writers such as Ari Gottesman and Carlos Domenech have contributed a single sports article. However, for the vast majority of issues since Spring 2020, Willig created the entirety of the content for the sports page on his own. It remains unknown how The Medium staff will handle Willig’s departure. At pitch and production meetings throughout the current semester, senior The Medium member Quinlan Van Es has emphasized to the paper that they will need to elect a new Editorin-Chief for the Fall. However, Van Es has not stressed as much that the paper will need a new Sports Editor to replace Willig. While Willig has not made any public statements on the matter, people close to him indicate
that he has become increasingly agitated regarding the future of the paper. Some writers at the paper have jokingly suggested off the record that once Willig is gone, The Medium sports page should be replaced with an e-sports page, or with a non-sports page altogether. If these jokes are to actually be gone-through with, Willig will reportedly throw raw eggs and recalled baby cribs at The Medium office. He will then take jelly and squeeze it onto the floor of the office in order to make it smell nice. Others have indicated that Willig has secret plans for a coup d'état at The Medium. According to these sources, Willig plans to come back to the Rugters campus in the Fall when he is no longer a student. He will go to the Rutgers University Student Assembly (RUSA) office, steal the $5376 allocated to The Medium for the semester, and then declare himself the true leader of The Medium. Then he will go back to his house and take a nap. At press time, Willig is currently writing this article about himself in the third person.
Adam Schefter: By the Numbers BY IAN RAPPOPORT’S NUMBER 1 FAN
What’s going on, you sexy motherfuckers. So you’re probably wondering to yourself, “What the fuck is this maniac going on about at 3:28 AM on a Sunday?” Well, this maniac in question just made up his mind about something; from here on out, my tall baseball daddy will no longer be NYY right fielder Aaron Judge but rather LAA jack-of-all-trades Shohei Ohtani. Now, why hours spent stealing would this guy make such a drastic decision? Why should I give a players' medical records shit about this cracked-out, bisexual Dominican guy’s fantasies? Bear with me, ok? My only reason is this; Aaron Judge is an anti-vaxxer bitch. Like this 6” 7’ motherfucker is afraid of needles just cause of some shit he read on Facebook? Get the fuck out of here; I don’t want to get railed by anyone like that. You must realize this was hard for me to come to, as I’ve been in love with this man ever since I saw him hit a sexy donger at Waterfront Park in Trenton back in the last straw left before ESPN summer of 2015. But, since I’ve seen how much of a pussy he is, I fires him need to fill the hole in my heart left by him. So, what does Ohtani have to offer? For one, stats-wise, he may not be as good as Judge, but he makes up for it by being a verse, which makes a verse like myself a happy man. Two, he has a big dick. How do I know this? I just do. Third, he has a fantastic posterior, like every other baseball player. Like Jesus Christ, thank God he’s a pitcher; we all have the fortune to admire his luscious curves whenever he’s on the fucking mound. Finally, he’s a determined, hard-working man who players in the NFL who eats, drinks, sleeps, and shits nothing but baseball. In summary, dislike him I love this man so fucking much, that if anyone even comes close to him, I will commit crimes that I cannot mention in this paper. Ohtani-senpai, please marry me for the love of fucking God. I can literally do things no other man or woman can.
20
15
insensitive comments made when reporting about serious topics
1
0 Adam Schefter stans that exist on Twitter
All
Every NFL fan who thinks Ian Rappoport is better than Schefter
Getting undeserved funding to make a crappy paper SINCE 1970