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Sept. 26th, 2018
Volume LVI Issue III 50¢ MAKE ROBERT YOUNG AGAIN
BRACHI SEEKS OUT $2 M. GRANT TO FUND QUEST FOR IMMORTALITY THROBIN WILLIAMS ALWAYS INSIDE OF YOU
NEW BRUNSWICK– President Robert Barchi is hoping to expand funding to the university’s latest research endeavor; the secret of immortality. Barchi has himself spearheaded the operation, the goal of which is to make the president live for all of eternity. Rutgers currently has at least seven departments dedicating resources to this project, but he still feels that Rutgers isn’t doing enough. ”I firmly believe that we are on the brink of a breakthrough when it comes to my living forever. We just need a few million more in funding before the process can be ready for human testing.” Details about the research are sparse. The Classics Department has been entirely dedicated to pouring over ancient texts in search of the location of the
College Senior Finally Gives Up on Perfect Attendance RUDOTS to Pave Over Passion Puddle to Expand Parking
LOOKING YOUNG Whatever they're researching, it looks good!
fountain of youth, while cell biologists have been working with stem cells to develop a youth-serum. Records of money already spent on this project were unavailable. This is coming just days after Rutgers received a different
multi-million-dollar grant for Alzheimer's research. “We love the money given to us for such an important cause,” Barchi elaborated, “But right now I’m focused on outliving everyone I’ve ever loved or hated. I want to watch civilizations rise and Continued on Page 2
REDISCOVERING EYELIDS WITH THE CLASS OF 2018
RECENT COLLEGE GRAD DECIDES 4.0 GPA WASN'T WORTH EMOTIONAL SCARS
Jesus Takes Wheel, LX Arrives on Time All Damn Day Coffie Table Book Clearly Not Large Enough to Use as Table Girl Manages to Sleep Through 3 Classes in a Row Today
THOT JOPLIN EXPOS TUTOR
PISCATAWAY— Despite rolling directly out of the 56th best Public University in the nation and into the job market, Rutgers class of 2018 is proving tragically non-immune to the absolute wackness that inevitably supplants matriculation. A full trimester later, fresh grads still don’t seem to be feeling that sense of vindication and professional mobility that everyone always claimed would follow soon after graduating with pretty good grades. High-achieving undergraduates have emerged into a world where impeccable grade point
QUICKIES
DOING GOOD Look how pumped that dude is!
averages, looking so promising on a resume or job application, aren’t always enough, and they’re pretty bummed. Kelvin Crisp, an Information
Technology and Informatics major at the School of Arts and Sciences until earlier this year, graduated with a flawless 4.0 Continued on Page 2
Using the Same Computers Since 1970
America Isn't Horny Anymore After Imagining Trump's Weird Dick. Or is it?!
the Medium
NEWS
"Anyone Wanna Boogie?"
DRESS HOW YOU WANNA
WASHINGTON— Picture the third Friday of the semester: a seasonably warm night, music and laughter filling a particular section of College Avenue, and four single young lads who can’t enjoy any of it. They started their nightly round down frat row, trying to get into any party there was, but as usual, their night was a perfect no-hitter. No Greek Life organization with any sense would let four guys into a party with no girls to accompany them, it would completely destroy their ratio, so the boys were prepared to go back to their dorms and spend Friday night alone, as usual. Everything changed when one of the boys (who begged to remain nameless) had an idea. He brought his friends to his sister’s apartment, and paid her and her roommate $50 to borrow a few dresses and do their makeup. An hour later, the boys had transformed into a group of four young ladies, and headed back out to College Avenue. Despite concerns that their voices would give them away, the first party they approached waved them right in. “It was like a whole new world,” one
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WHO'S YOUR DADDY?
COLLEGE AVENUE CROSS DRESSERS BEAT RATIO HEYWOOD JABLOMI SOMETIMES WEARS A DRESS
Wednesday, September 26th, 2018
PATERNITY
...continued from front
fundamentally sad and empty. “Yeah man, I don’t know,” Crisp, 22, lamented, “I really busted my ass to outperform my peers, but I definitely peaked academically at some point in late 2017. Looking back, that was probably just my peak in general.” After getting an apartment of his own and a decent job, Crisp is super comfortable with his station in life, but doesn’t necessarily feel that the ends justified the means. “Getting a job wasn’t as hard as I thought. I think I could have tried like 20% less in every course and ended up exactly where I am now without all these lingering symptoms of extreme stress.” The young professional reports his work performance has suffered as a result of being a fucking try-hard for the last four years. Chronic hand tremors and moderate tinnitus notwithstanding, Crisp is completely unable to look at a computer screen for more than three consecutive minutes. “It just brings back so many memories. So many bad nights. Why did I do that?” Now required to work in front of a computer literally all day, Crisp survives by blinking hard, and often.
“If I look too closely at my computer screen, or anything emitting blue light, I start getting queasy. It’s only a matter of time before I’m on the ground again in a puddle of urine and sweat, waiting for the room to stop spinning.” Whereas a lesser man might have succumbed to the crushing void of failure, Crisp is still keeping his head up. Although he admits trying really hard to make the dean's list didn't do him any favors in the light sensitivity department, he's finding creative ways to try really hard at turning this new disadvantage into someting special. And it seems to be paying off: a Highland Park yoga studio has agreed to train Crisp as an instructor for its new regimen of eyelid yoga classes. With his powerful blink muscles and willful spirit, this Rutgers graduate truly has the world in his pocket. “I refuse to believe I’ve already tapped out my potential. It turns out I’m actually really in control of my own blinking, probably better than most people. If I keep practicing I should be good to do this for another forty years at least.”
collapse. I want to see the Marvel Cinematic Universe to the very end.” According to an anonymous source, the university has even been experimenting with necromancy, using the magic to reanimate dead farm animals on Cook campus. The University has also requested help from other Big 10 schools in the research, offering immortality to the president of any school that helps. When asked about what would happen if the research
wasn’t funded by a grant soon, Barchi explained how a 13 percent tuition hike and added campus fees would likely cover the cost. If necessary the school may also move money from the dining hall budgets. At press time a 25-year-old President Barchi was spotted with glowing veins and eyes running out of Nelson Biology Labs in the direction of the woods shouting about truly experiencing the etheral plane.
of them said. “We could go anywhere. People paid attention to us. People liked us.” After one of the boys got groped one time too many, they decided they had enough and decided to try another party. “It’s magical, we got into every party we tried,” another reported, unfortunately having forgotten to remove his makeup the next morning. “Sure, we almost got drugged at three different frat parties, but the sororities were pretty nice. We’ll definitely be trying this again next week, and I’d definitely recommend this to any guy trying to get in to a party.” At press time there were multiple reports of men in dresses walking about college ave looking for a party. Some students are saying the tactic is shifting the paradigm of partying at Rutgers. Fraternity brother Chet Chetly had his own unique take on the phenomenon. "We couldn't tell these guys that they weren't women, so we had to let them in. And you know what? It was an awesome time. When you break it down and realize everyone is just doing their own thing it's a lot DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE FOREVER? more chill. I can't wait for next FOREVER YOUNG ...continued from front weekend!"
LOOKING FOR A PUBLICATION THAT WILL LET YOU WRITE CURSE WORDS? THAT'S US! COME TO OUR MEETINGS AND DO SOME SWEARING. LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 201B ON WEDNESDAY AT 7:45 PM
Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Editorial Managing Editor Marissa Schwartz Staff Business Manager Shaina Joseph Fall 2018 Mascot Sick New Brunswick Cat
News Editors Dan Cretella Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Jeff Zhang Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Zoe Sifnakis Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field The IT Person
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in the Livingston Student Center. This issue is dedicated to our shitty, outdated computers.
Wednesday, September 26th, 2018 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“I haven’t showered in weeks”
A FRESH TAKE ON YOUR WEEK
Weekly Advice from Herschel the Hassidic
“Classes are starting to pick up. I know that because the buses are less packed because students are finally skipping class. But this is a problem. You are specifically here to learn and go to class! In fact, I think every student that skips a class should make up for it by learning about Judaism. So here is my advice for the week: to stay productive, if you skip a class, learn that week’s parashah and be able to explain it to your fellow classmates. You must email your analysis of the parashah or any Hebrew text to: themedium.features@gmail.com I’ll be waiting and am excited to read your submissions! Unless, of course, you actually go to class, which I’m sure almost all of you do consistently. Quit kvetching, have a nosh, and get that tuches to Temple!”
CRAZY AF
Coming to a Rutgers Cinema Near You:
FUN TIMES
Top 10 Innocent Activities to Add to Your RUcket List
-Herschel, Torah Master
MAKIN’ HISTORY
I Ejaculated during my World History Lecture, AMA!
By Melvin Turner Hey everyone! Melvin here, ready to answer all your questions about me totally cumming my pants in World History on Monday. Before starting this AMA, I’d like to clear up a few things. Many people have asked me how I managed to watch porn in the middle of class. Did I sit in the back? Did I put in on my phone and watch it under a desk? Actually, I wasn’t even watching porn. Yup, you heard that right. I splooged because of the material being taught in the class! This part of the course really got me going. The murders committed by the Mongolian Empire are just so... hot. I mean, they killed like 5% of the population in extremely brutal ways. If that doesn’t make you pop a boner then I don’t know what will. Once the professor exclaimed the name, “GENGHIS KHAN” I immediately finished. So, email any questions you have for me at themedium.features@gmail.com. Ask me some honest questions!
DID YOU KNOW... IF YOU EAT ONLY BROCCOLI FOR A WEEK YOU WILL START SHITTING MARIJUANA. DANK. FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND OTHER FACTS I PUT ON WIKIPEDIA AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 201 AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM!
1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) 8) 9) 10)
By Brenda Smith Visit the farm on Cook. Go to the Dance Marathon. Visit Rutgers Gardens. Starting at Livingston Plaza, take the B bus to the A bus to the EE bus to the REXL back to the Livi- ngston Plaza. Participate in the Homecoming bed races. Run in the Big Chill. Volunteer at the Scarlet Day of Service. Fill out the SIRS for all your professors in one semester. Vote in the RUSA elections. Go to a meeting for The Medium :)
EVEN FUNNER TIMES
Top 10 Daring Activities to Add to Your RUcket List By Elon Thrust 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) 8) 9) 10)
Fight a goose. Fight an international. Visit Rutgers Gardens while tripping on acid. Drink the fluid that drips down from the ceiling of the bus. Suck a dick on hot dog day. Steal all the toys donated at the Big Chill. Create a new microaggression that becomes offi- cially recognized at Rutgers. Bonus points if it gets written on a poster. Go to a midterm blackout drunk. Steal a bus while the driver is taking a break, but continue the normal route. Go to a football game sober.
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, September 26th, 2018
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“A WORLD WITHOUT SEX IS NOT A WORLD AT ALL”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
As the world rapidly advances with technology, what sort of new tech do you want to see in the next five years? “An erotic mode for Alexa.” Rita Spenoza Favorite movie: Her.
“A penis enlarger that actually fucking works” Tom Segoya Average sided, but still self conscious about it.
“A sex robot that doesn’t just have sex with me, but also understands my emotional needs and career aspirations” Flagel Barkins Contrary to belief, he does have a girlfriend. GET TO THE CHOPPAAAA!!!!!
The Predator Review: A Film Masterpiece
BY FREDRICO BERGSTEIN Being a huge movie buff I took my time before heading out to see The Predator because as most film connoisseurs know, premieres are for chumps. Being another installation of a franchise consisting of classics such as, Predator II, AVP: Alien vs. Predator, Alien vs Predator: Requiem, and Predators I knew this film was bound to be a hit. I find that movie franchises have been the most successful form of cinema, the most prominent examples being, Fast and Furious, The DCEU, and the best of Transformers. The films time and time again have shown to have unbelievable artistic and commercial value. At first when I found out the director was Shane Black, the guy who directed the snoozefest known as The Nice Guys, I was a little worried. But I can tell you, I was worried for nothing, because this movie is the movie of the year, fuck Avengers: Infinity War with its confusing plot and unrealistic ending. This movie has fantastic action, but where it truly thrives is its plot and dialogue. In the movie the predator species have been taking DNA from every planets most superior beings and fusing it with themselves to make them more superior hunters. The target of the predators in this film is the main characters son, who is extremely intelligent because of his aspergers. As I believe and the film displays is that aspergers is not a disability, but the next step in human evolution, it’s true, but don’t look it up because the internet is a bunch of liars. So basically the predator that comes to earth wants to take the sons DNA, to give his entire species aspergers, it’s genius. Not only this, but the film also doesn’t waste your time with confusing science vocabulary and has the scientists talk like people who don’t know about science, which allows the audience to relate more to the character. The predator is a smash should be seen by all who respect what true cinema means, action, cool characters, and a whole lot of CGI.
A FORGETTABLE MAN, A FORGETTABLE PENIS
I’ve Had Sex With Brett Kavanaugh and I Agree His Penis is Forgettable BY JEAN FRANKEL
I had consensual sex with Brett Kavanaugh, I admit it. I was completely sober when it happened and I was a willing party. We went out to dinner first, then went back to his place, where the action happened. It wasn’t good, or bad, nothing really stands out. I have to say, his penis just isn’t that memorable. It’s like the sphynx. It wasn’t as big as I wanted to be, but it was still the sphynx. I can’t even say I regret it, because I don’t have a strong feeling about it either way. I can totally see how it could be easily forgotten. To the people who say that the women who claim he assaulted them are making it up because they can’t really be sure it was him after over thirty years, I say not so fast. I had sober, consensual sex with the man and I still don’t really remember what it looked like. There were no outstanding characteristics whatsoever. I honestly couldn’t even pick it out in a lineup. In closing, Brett Kavanaugh’s penis often not wanted, and easily forgettable.
FEMINISTS AT IT AGAIN
Marvel surrenders to the Radical Feminist Agenda with new Captain Marvel Film BY CREED BRATTON According to the head of the MCU Kevin Feige, Captain Marvel’s “powers are off the charts, and when she’s introduced, she will be by far the strongest character we’ve ever had.” Well, she was introduced last week and boy was he not bullshittng. This past week, Marvel Studios released the teaser for Captain Marvel, the next installment in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The movie stars Brie Larson and will be the first Marvel film starring a female superhero. Am I upset about this? No, of course not. I’m more upset about her name. Captain Marvel? Come on Marvel I think you can be a bit more original than that guys (and girls!). It’s great that a female superhero is leading a movie and is a great step in the right direction. The problem is that she is going to be the most fucking powerful superhero to ever be in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The bitch is practically invincible. She has all the powers you can possibly imagine. It’s so fucking unrealistic even for the MCU. Yes, of course men and women are equal and should be treated as such. But now women are stronger than men? Do they really think they actually can pull this shit off? It’s fucking biology. Men are physically stronger than women, who have, on average, less total muscle mass, both in absolute terms and relative to total body mass. They also are taller than women, by an average of about 15 cm or 6 inches. With the facts against them, why the fuck is Marvel fooling around with science now? Critics will tell me that I am a sexist and that men are always portrayed as invincible such as Dominic Toretto in the Fast and Furious franchise, who goes from an decent street racer to an indestructible badass. But the problem with this example is that the Fast and Furious movies are based on actual events and Dominic Toretto is one bad motherfucker. Like he always says,“it doesn’t matter what’s under the hood. The only thing that matters is who’s behind the wheel.” What drives him (no pun intended) is his motivation to protect his family and he won’t step on the brakes until he does. The man might even be the reincarnation of Jesus Christ himself. Have you seen the big ass cross necklace around his neck at all times? So what I am saying is, it’s fantastic that Marvel is making a movie with a female lead. It’s about fucking time. But until there is any evidence that this is based off a true story or that there is any evidence that she has any relation to Jesus Christ, then I am not sold that she can be stronger than any male hero in the MCU. Good luck Thanos. You’re gonna need it.
Wednesday, September 26th, 2018
themedium.arts@gmail.com
ARTS
“if the glove fits.....you must......”
"JACKASS AMMUNITION EDITION" BY LOU SKUNT
“JEWL” BY JEN DIRBENDER
“LET ME OUT” BY MAN IN LAVA LAMP
“REALITY OF TRUCK NUTS DOTW” BY LOU SKUNT
the Medium
PERSONALS
the Medium How?
Why?
I refuse to believe America lost a war to a group of Vietnamese rice farmers.
Nobody has told me that adulthood is mainly about choosing not to drink when you can. (Solution? Alcoholism.) I walked in on my parents... when they were recording a podcast. (That’s like half a million times worse than walking in on them having sex.) I accidentally asked my girlfriend to marry me while I’m drunk.
... I wanna marry her and move to Vermont and have children, she wants us to “just stay friends.“ (Solution? Alcoholism and opiod abuse.) * The Medium does not condone alcoholism and opiod abuse together, since either of them is fine on its own. Is there a remote to change the channel in any of the student centers?
Rutgers is the P. F. Chang’s of Universities. (You are right. Suprisingly low numbers of Asians; poor people think it’s fancy; and it’s usually just a bunch of half drunk white dudes hanging around.) I just realized I’m set to major in something untterly worthless, should I power through or just end it all right now? (I have a minor in gender studies and the only use for it is to make jokes like this one. So yeah, I say you keep going.) I’m convinced the Medium is a jewish conspiracy against actually being funny. (And the Chinese. This is a collaborative effort.)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“The Personals is the Politicals.”
What?
(I refuse to believe we have a shits-for-brains for president. But what can you do?)
Wednesday, September 26th, 2018
(It would be way too awk- (No, it’s contractually obward to say that’s a joke. ligaed to stay on MTVu So just marry her and get cuz you live in purgatory. a divorce in a couple years. Wake up, Mark.) Do you know that the NBD.) Postmaster General is a I accidentally asked a woman? stranger to marry me (#feminism) while I’m drunk.
(Been there. Done that. Just For Fuck’s Sake sleep with her as a professional courtesy and never I’m helping a family call her again.) friend’s child with their I accidentally got mar- college essays and I ried while I’m drunk. don’t know a kind way (1. This is not an episode of to tell them that these are amongst the worst essays Friends. 2. I take it back. Alcoholism I’ve ever read. They just is probably not the solution don’t have a grasp on the here.) English language.
New Flyer Mascot. Let it haunt your dreams.
(Like obesity, tendancy to vote Republican, and a high rate of recidivism, I blame the public education system for 80% of America’s problems.)
My erection has lasted much longer than four hours but I’m wayyyy to embarrassed to call a doctor. (Yeah, phone sex when you have that long of an erection is never a good idea.) That’s what she said.
Build shit with us at our pitch meetings. Seriously, we need actual funny people. We haven’t had any new members in years. It could be you! What are you waiting for? Wednesday @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center 111
QOTW
“Me too.“
Why again?
Fine.
I swear I’m not bragging, Actually liberal arts mabut how do I get on a jors can find jobs too. weight loss program for (I really don’t think writing my dick? TV recaps for blogs in your (Siri, record my next mom’s house really count million dollar idea for a as a job buddy.) Kevin Spacey program: My roommate skipped PenisWatcher.) class for the first time I want a genocide. Of today, how do I conpeople who wear leg- vince her that she hasn’t thrown her life away? gings as pants. (Woah Woah Woah calm down! I’m sure if we kill the first 20, the rest will stop.)
The people who say Sonic Adventure 2 was the best Sonic game are probably the same people who reminisce about the “good old days” when women stayed home and cooked. (Other people play League of Legends and call it a superior MOBA game. Point is, they are all going to hell.)
(Sir, Steve Carell owns that I wanna be a professional phrase. Please don’t use it Overwatch player but lightly.) I’m white, how do I beI don’t get it. Why are come Korean? iPhone users so smug? (Suprise! You have been (Cuz when we want to recruited by the Shanghai charge our phones, some- Dragons.) one’s always got the charger. So when our phone dies What kind of tramp every three hours, we can stamp should I get? charge it really fast.) (The phrase “I did not get I don’t get it. Why are enough parental support as a child” on your lower back. iPhone users so dumb? (Cuz they don’t have to Men go wild for this kind of charge their phones over- shit.) night right next to their bed, so they don’t get all the smart radiation that eventually gives us brain cancer.)
-Anita Hill
(Economically, each time you skip class you are losing like 200 bucks. Emotionally, each therapy session you go to because of those classes are also like 200 bucks. So just tell her either way it’s lose-lose.)
Has anyone else been walked in on masterbating in an empty classroom, or was that just me?
(No. But I have been walked in on while I was recording a podcast.) If I fall asleep now, I’ll get five hours of sleep. People run on five hours of sleep. (People also run on half a pound of coke. But seriously kids, get some sleep before you do anything else. )
Is there a word for the disappointment when a girl finishes sucking your dick so you go down to suck hers too, but she doesn’t have one? Men are pigs. (No. But there is neither a (Smart, loyal, and delicious. word each time I open my You are absolutely right, my inbox and see your messages still there.) dear.)
PAGE A7
Wednesday, September 26th, 2018
themedium.a7@gmail.com
“Turns out I was super wrong about that one...yikes permamently damaged that relationship...”
the Medium
If You Owned A “Bop-It” From 1996-2004 You May Be Entitled To A Large Cash Settlement
By Dandy Cough-Man In association with Burgle and Katz
HELLO: If you or someone you love owned a “Bop-It” from 1996-2004, you may be enti-
tled to a large cash settlement. In 2005, thousands of “Bop-It” handheld voice game units were recalled citing emotional abuse and mental distress. After failing to perform a command “BopIts” are programmed to lightly insult/jab at the player, however certain units from the original production line contained a malfunction. This glitch caused the “Bop-It” to explicitly reveal dark secrets from the player’s personal life. “When I was a young child my Mother bought me a ‘Bop-It,’” testifies Cathy Kaling, a 30 year old woman. “It told me to pull but I twisted instead,” she recalls, holding in tears, “and when I let go it screamed at me. ‘OOHH MAN! Well you should have pulled...out is what your mom said to your dad about you!’ I was just a kid so I didn’t understand, my Mom told me to turn it off. I looked for a button but it kept going, ‘You were an accident Cathy. You were not planned and you forced your parents into a loveless marriage that has ruined any chance of them achieving their dreams. You are a burden and you are unloved. BOP IT!’” Cathy’s parents filed for divorce a week later, neither fought for custody. “I’ve been in therapy for almost two decades but thanks to Burgle and Katz I got a $5,000 cash settlement from Hasbro.” If you’ve suffered trauma due to a “Bop-It” related incident you’re entitled to cash, call 1-800-BEAT-BOP.
Showering Without Mommy’s Help: An 11 Step Guide
By Jen Dirbender Bakes Ziti The look and smell of some of you freshman during the first few weeks of school have made it apparent that you’ve lived quite sheltered lives at home. In order to remedy this, here’s a short, informative guide on how to properly clean yourself.
Step 1: Get naked. Both physically and emotionally. Step 2: Apologize to your roommate, who now knows what your penis looks like. Step 3: Say “no homo” to your roommate. Step 4: Tuck your dick between your legs and sprint to the communal bathroom for your floor. Step 5: Say “no homo” to everyone inside. Step 6: Find a shower stall that isn’t being used for fucking. Step 7: Turn the water on and set it to your desired temperature. Step 8: Realize you forgot soap and also a towel. Step 9: Tuck your dick between your legs and sprint back to your room, being careful not to slip due to your wet, ashamed feet.
Step 10: Repeat steps 2 - 6, but bring soap and a towel this time. Step 11: Shower. I wish you luck in your future hygienic ventures. And remember, you now have no excuse to continue being the disgusting degenerate we both know you currently are.
Secret Message: If you can read this you have the vagina of a goddamn queen, Queen Elizabeth specifically, but which one...that’s up to you :)
september 26TH, 2018 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 4: FOOTBALL FAILS
RUTGE R S S C A R LE T K NI G HT S LOSE EXHIBITION MATC H AG A I NS T HI G HL A ND PARK OWLS ROBIN BANKS LOVE NORTH JERSEY
HIGHLAND PARK— In a not so surprising twist of events, the Rutgers Scarlet Knights, a NCAA Division I football team and member of the Big 10, has lost 58-10 against the Highland Park High School football team. Highland Park, with an abysmal national rank of 13,985, managed to show a globally recognized university who’s boss. What started out as an innocent pick six, turned out to be a beating for the ages. With over 600 high school students and the whole Rutgers football team and band in attendance, the Friday night was nothing short but electric. Highland Park football players, with more than 75% of the seniors already having been offered a scholarship to Rutgers, boasted before the game why they turned down Rutgers to play for other Big 10 schools including Michigan and Penn
We're All In This Together No, we actually aren't
State. “This is exactly why”, said cornerback Bruce “The Spruce” O’Connor. During the game, Rutgers “True Freshman” and starting quarterback Artur Sitkowski threw 8 for 52 with two interceptions. Rutgers head football coach Chris Ash,
though dejected, saw the silver lining in the whole ordeal. “Well at least that’s one less interception than against Texas State”, said a smiling Ash. “The kid is from IMG, I am sure one day he will pull through”. From the sidelines a visibly distraught
Sitkowski can be heard saying, “I should’ve stuck with Miami”. After the game, the Medium reached out to Patrick Hobbs, the Director of Athletics at Rutgers University. “This was one of the most embarrassing moments in Rutgers’ sports history. If I had known Highland Park even had a chance against us, I would’ve cancelled immediately.” When further pressed whether or not Chris Ash would continue in his role as head coach, Hobbs reassuringly said, “Oh no. I could never fire him. He’s got a family. A man’s gotta make a living”. * A few moments after this interview, the Medium learned from an anonymous source that Hobbs was high the whole time. There are two things to take away from this: 1. Rutgers football sucks (well you already knew that) 2. We all could use a nice siesta right about now. * (Editor’s Note: Yeah, well say that to Stan the LX bus driver)
VIAGRA GETS EVERYONE'S HOPES UP
VIAGRA T E A M S U P W I T H NY JETS TO PRODUCE C U R E F O R D RY S P E LLS SUE DENIM DENIMATRIX
As a part of their new “WADS (War Against Dry Spells)” campaign, Viagra has reached out to the NY Jets to help them find the source of and eliminate dry spells. Dry spells are a common sexual problem in many adults with many going years without any sexual intercourse. “This is an issue that isn’t just affecting incels, old folks, and Terry from accounting, it’s really a worldwide phenomenon that affects the sexual lives of plenty of healthy young adults. The #WADS campaign was initiated as a means of spreading awareness for this
results the Jets produced for a group as hopeless as the Browns, we knew we had to get them involved” said Read, “I mean they clearly must know something that we don’t.” The Jets seemed a little hesitant to join at first, but after six days they decided to help the Viagra team out. “Look, we are always willing and happy to fight for good causes, we’re just not sure why we were specifically reached Eyes on the prize out to compared to any other The saving grace for the NY Jets team,” said Jets owner Woody issue and finding a cure” they decided to team up in Johnson. “Was it because we explained Pfizer, parent partnership with the NY Jets lost to the Browns last week? company of Viagra, CEO Ian after their loss last week to Because that could happen C. Read. The campaign wasn’t the Cleveland Browns. to any team. It’s not like getting much traction until “After seeing the fantastic we can’t get our wins up or something.”
banned from the big10 SInce 1970