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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 2, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ M.E.A.T IS MURDER
VEGANS HOLD BROWER HOSTAGE, DON'T KNOW IF MEAT IS REAL HARRY NUTTSAAC CAN YOU SMELL THAT?
College Ave- The other night, something horrible happened at Brower Dining Hall that would forever traumatize all the patrons there that night: dinner was served. Not too long after this, the whole dining hall was taken hostage by a group of militarized vegans, which definitely wasn't as bad as dinner. The vegans rushed into the dining hall and barricaded the doors (but not before letting the sweet old black ladies out. Who doesn't love BACON THO! them?) To make it clear to the That's why I always get Brower Bizza diners that they were serious, one their demands to Rutgers Dining of the vegans tried to flip a table, Services: but they were too weak from the 1.No more meat is to be served lack of protein in their diet, so they at the Rutgers Dining Halls had to settle for knocking off the 2.All the animals on Cook ketchup bottle. The radical group Farm are to be set free. announced themselves as M.E.A.T. 3.Dining Services staff must (Militarized Ecocentrists Against stop being subjected to torture like Torture) and they were there to list
King Neptune Night Very quickly, the RUPD was informed of the hostage situation, so they headed to Brower right after they were done stopping a frat party on campus. Upon arrival, RUPD surrounded Brower on all sides and prepared Continued on Page 2
WHAT IS THIS SOME KIND OF SUICIDE SQUAD? I HOPE SO!
TRUMP TWEETS OF CIVIL WAR SPARK LITIGATION FROM DISNEY RICHARD HERTZ SICK OF THIS SHIT Washington- As if the political climate was not perilous enough, Donald Trump took it upon himself to throw yet another wrench into the already completely fucked state of affairs. In this unfortunately real tweet from the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, Potus writes “If the Democrats are successful in removing the President from office(which they will never be), it will cause a Civil War like fracture in this nation from which our Country will never heal”. Though he was quoting some evangelical pastor, the sentiment is clearly something he believes. The reactionary statement has sparked
outrage among constitutionalists, anti-fascists,and just about anyone fearing that Trump has finally lost it. Today these groups have found
a very powerful, but unlikely ally. Responding to both the wording of the tweet and the swarm of memes that have spawned thereafter,
Laying Pipe Since 1970
Continued on Page 2
QUICKIES
Kanye West to Produce Score for Next Duke Nukem Game 2 Girls 1 Cup Director to Film Sequel in Raritan Banks Scientists Confirm: Bullying Children who Disagree With You Certified Alpha Move We Got the STUFF Junior Gets Fed Up With Student Taking Up Two Seats on Bus, Sits on Lap Dissapointed Father is also Angry Transformers Goes Biological with New Transformer Toy: HIV that Changes Into AIDS
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NEWS
Wednesday, Oct. 2, 2019
"WHERE ARE MY CHILDREN?!?! WHAT DID YOU DO!"
MURDER TASTES SO GOOD THO. . . VEGANS HOLD BROWER HOSTAGE both entrances for forceful entry, because Rutgers has made it pretty clear they don't actually care about forceful entry. Just as RUPD was ready to bust into Brower, M.E.A.T. made an important revelation that brought the standstill to an end: there wasn't any meat being served in the dining hall. The steak was just rubber with some sauce on it, the chicken was a plastic display piece, the fish was just slime (and it was still alive, too, it slithered away when poked). M.E.A.T. prepared themselves to release the hostages, but they had already died from consuming rubber and plastic; so, they just opened the doors
...continued from front
and walked out, right past RUPD because they suck ass at catching criminals on campus. M.E.A.T. is still on the lamb.
MAKE SURE YOU FOLLOW US ON ALL SOCIAL MEDIA FB: THE MEDIUM IG: @THEMEDIUMRU TW: @THEMEDIUMRU
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DONALD TRUMP CIVIL SNORE END THIS HELLSCAPE media giant Disney has launched a swarm of legal suits against the Potus. Claiming that he violated their copyright by using the term Civil War(TM), citing their 2016 film Avengers: Civil War. While normally fairly lenient with the use of the word in history classes and documentaries, the company fears that the use by President Trump will cause an unwanted negative association with the word. ABC News(which is owned by Disney) and other networks like CNN have lauded the decision of the company, appropriating the rhetoric used by those in favor of impeachment. One CNN morning show even going as far as to use
...continued from front
one of Trump’s own talking points by attempting to start a “Lock Him Up!” style chant, however the whole thing felt forced and embarrassing so no one joined in. Twitter leftists have been very apprehensive about Disney’s involvement in the course of events, not so easily convinced that the corporate overlords are what we need to dig us out of this crisis.
READ THE BOX ON THE LEFT
SO RELATABLE. . .
LOCAL RELIC STILL JUULERS RISE UP IN THE THINKS THERAPY IS FACE OF CONTROVERSY BAD HAYWOOD JABLOMI PSYCHOANALYZE THIS
In recent years, we’ve made many strides in mental health fields, from defining mental health issues to improving quality of mental health care to minimizing the stigma around those with mental health issues. In years past, therapy was thought of something only for lunatics and wack jobs, but in the year of our lord, 2019, current politics and social landscapes turn all of us into lunatics and wack jobs, and people are more open about their experiences in therapy and more willing to seek help when they need it. Of course, there are those who still decry the practice, not only proclaiming to never seek therapy themselves but mocking anyone who does. Local Rutgers student and fellow kid Benjamin Xavier spent this afternoon online flexing his total lack of awareness in the field of psychiatry, starting out by claiming that it’s in a therapist’s best interest not to heal you, evidently unaware that therapists
can be charged with malpractice and stripped of their license just as medical doctors can be. There’s an old saying falsely attributed to nearly half a dozen historical figures: “it is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought an idiot than open it and remove all doubt”. Benjamin decided he wanted to remove all doubt, and argued with no less than seven other students as the single lost hero dying on the boomerpopulated hill of “therapy is bad actually”. His argument reached a pinnacle when he claimed that it’s unhealthy to rely on someone else to feel good, at which point he was immediately directed to physical health, employment, parties, and all the various other things that require other people to make someone feel good. Unfortunately Benjamin was unable to comment as by the time the Medium arrived on the scene, the workers from the Sunny Glen Retirement Center had arrived to bring him back home.
Editor-in-Chief Zachary Fox Managing Editor Vickram Singh Business Manager Shaina Joseph Spring 2019 Mascot Long-Island Medium
Editorial Staff
ICKY VICKY INJECT’S NICOTINE DIRECTLY INTO VEINS
With widespread reports of vaping related illnesses, and in some cases, death, around the country, there’s been calls for bans and increased legislation for vapes and JUULS. While parents are clutching their little Jimmy, wondering why their little boy sounds like Fran Dreascher, many communities are actively cracking down on vaping and juuling by youths. The increased surveillance has caused children from age 2-18 fearing for their JUUL’s. “It’s so unfair. I need my mint flavored hit with my morning coffee, it’s the only way I can function!”, explained a strung out 7 year old. In the face of mounting News Editors Samuel Hammer Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor Features Editor
Michael Celletti Dhvani Mashru Brendan Suszynski Dan Cretella Kelly Manniello
children and teens have banded together to desperately fight the system taking away their addictionon-a-stick. The literal children’s crusade decided to protest across the country, but didn’t last for long due to their terrible asthma and dislike for natural light. In the quiet corners of their houses, nervously puffing pina colada flavored juice, they take to social media to keep the fight going. One 12 year old tweets, “I will continue to fight for my right to destroy my lungs to the point of looking like an 85-year old smoker. How else am I going to finish that cool statue I’m making out of used JUUL carts. It looks like Lizzo holding Frankie Muniz on a leash!” Sports Editor Copy Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Roger Wang Ikjot Tagore Kelly Manniello Max Broggi-Sumner William Field Executive Cabinet
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to everyone who just leaves me alone, thank you
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FEATURES “Derek, please, come home”
THE 10 SHAM-ANDMENTS
FOLLOW @THEMEDIUMRU ON INSTA
Top 10 Reasons to not be Catholic
I Know What Your Relationship is Like Based Off How Many Times You’ve Been Posted on Instagram
By Neveah “Please call me Nora” Smith My mom gave me this fucking name because it’s “heaven” spelled backwards and that’s why I abandoned Catholicism
1. You can worship as many or as few Gods as you want. Aphrodite might be a little more helpful when trying to get that cute guy in your bio lab to notice you, y’know? 2. You can take the Lord’s name in vain. Which you’re gonna do anyway, but might as well not live your life pretending you’re not supposed to. 3. You can be a total degenerate on Sunday if you want. I know Friday and Saturday are degen days, but sometimes you just wanna masturbate all morning instead of going to church, and that’s valid. 4. You can speak openly about your parents. They’ve got great wisdom from time to time, but also some of them verbally or physically abuse their children or throw them out for being LGBT or neurodivergent. Fuck those guys. 5. You can kill people. I’m not advocating random murder, of course, but I do enjoy vigilante justice. Maybe on some of those abusive parents from #4. 6. You can sleep around as much as you want. As long as everyone consents, is of age, and stays safe, go wild and have fun. Don’t let anyone slut-shame you. 7. You can steal things… okay, maybe some of these commandments are alright, but if you think they’re compelling reasons to be catholic, see the above. 8. You can lie. Snitches get stitches, and so will Takeshi. 9. You can covet your neighbor’s spouse. Don’t try to cuck your neighbors unless they deserve it; there’s nothing wrong with looking, and maybe fantasizing about your neighbor’s friendly lumberjack husband… mmm… 10. You can covet your neighbor’s goods. Like last time, don’t steal stuff from innocent people, but there’s a reason Robin Hood is a hero; and it’s not because he followed the commandments.
HEY! I’M WALKIN’ HERE! OH! SPEAKIN’ OF WALKIN’ HERE, YOU SHOULD WALK ON OVER TO THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS FROM 7:45 - 8:45 IN THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 109! LEAVE YOUR ROOM, TAKE-A THE CANNOLIS! OH!
By: Dick Veiney
*Only Instagram will be used because if you’re posting on Facebook, you’re already married, and on Snapchat, you’re temporary. This is based off the two months mark. 0 times - Unless you’ve also posted them zero times and so mutually agreed to resigning your relationship to a state of nonacknowledgement, uh, you don’t exist to him and any girl he’s swiping right on on Tinder. 1-2 times - Depends on overall percentage of his posts. If you’re the only photo in the past 10 which are random photos of his car and/or new basketball shoes - you probably hand selected the photo and made him post it. Hell, you probably just posted it yourself. You guys will probably be okay a few more months till he gets caught sleeping with your best friend. 3-5 times - A respectable amount of posts means it’s as mundane of a relationship as it comes. Instead of bedtime stories, you guys probably do foreplay to fall asleep. 6-9 times - Haha, 69, nice. You two are probably going to live a long life together filled with unilateral emotional labor and fights over who is going to clean the kid’s shit while falling asleep every night thinking in the back of your minds that you could have done better. 10+ times - You guys are perfect for each other because you’re both so insufferable only you two can tolerate each other. An eternity of bliss awaits you two while nothing but hell for the miserable lot of your followers. HEHEHE PENIS
What Phallic Object Are You Based on Your Zodiac By: PP Harding & Heywood Jablomi
- Anything’s a didlo if you’re brave enough -
Libra- The Statue of Liberty’s torch Scorpio- Hardcover Encyclopedia (there’s a picture of a penis in there somewhere) Sagittarius- That bottle over there...don’t crush it Capricorn- The clutch in a manual car Aquarius- A 3D model of your ex’s penis
(Come back, Derek, I miss you)
Pisces- Your bedpost... ohhh yeeaaahhh Aries- A Wii remote Taurus- A policeman’s baton Gemini- A Spongebob popsicle Cancer- An eggplant (please wash before serving) Leo- A rusty fire hydrant Virgo- Just a good ol’ fashioned rock hard penis (not that you’ve seen one, you fucking virgin)
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OPINIONS "What doth life? life? life?"
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2019
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I'M NOT MAD. I'M JUST CONCERNED.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Nobody Gives a Shit About your 30 Post Long Instagram Story
What's your favorite part about Rutgers Football? "The feet! So stinky! So yummy inside those cleats!” Jason Waters More than just a foot fetishist
“The balls! Football was better before they invented the jock strap. I can't watch those boys bounce anymore.” Your Grandma Went to all of your J.V. games "Tailgating. Sure we suck, but it's an excuse to get drunk." You This is why you go to the games
THIS IS AN ACADEMIC INTEGRITY VIOLATION
Are we Just Gonna Ignore that Justice League Ripped Off Wind Waker? BY CIARAN HINDS
Justice League has received much criticism for having a bad villain, continuity errors from reshoots, lame CG, upper lip issues, awful dialogue, and generally not being a very good movie. But in the year and a half since its release, there’s something that no one’s seemed to mention that hasn’t seemed to have gotten any attention: the plot is completely ripped off from the Legend of Zelda classic The Wind Waker! Let’s take a look at the villain, Steppenwolf. The fact that he’s entirely composed of CGI makes him look very cartoony, and he’s one of the “new gods”, an intentional allusion to powerful deities. In Wind Waker, the art style makes Ganondorf (and everything else) cartoony, and as established in Skyward Sword, all versions of Ganondorf are reincarnations of Demise. Similar villains don’t mean much, though, considering how many villains are samey, but keep that in mind while I explain their evil schemes: Ganondorf wants to collect three parts of the triforce) in order to terraform the land and rule over it, while Steppenwolf… wants to collect three macguffins (less interesting boxes) to terraform the land and rule over it. While I’m certain the good folks over at Nintendo who poured their blood, sweat, and tears into crafting this game must’ve noticed how Justice League stole their entire plot, they’ve evidently been kind enough to not pursue action. Of course, that may just be because they’d be throwing stones in glass houses: don’t even get me STARTED on how Majora’s Mask ripped off Into the Woods.
BY JESS T. VENTING
Listen, I get it. It's your bestie's 21st birthday and you love her so much and she's been with you through so much. The bond you have with her is special, and definitely not experienced by literally every other insufferable duo, or trio, or quartet, or fucking dodecahedron of annoying, uninteresting college girls. People need to know! People need to know how much you love your BEST friend. They need to know that you guys have been friends since grade school. That is a very long, and very interesting amount of time to have a friend. They need to know that she's headed off to Europe, and that you're going to miss your little, or your sister from another mister. They've definitely never heard someone describe a friend with the fantastically unique, quirky, and funny words that you know define your "day one" so well. But I need you to listen to me when I tell you this, because it comes from a good place. I care about you more than you will ever know. So please, please shut the fuck up. Nobody cares. Not one person outside of your immediate friend group cares. Just make a story only your friends can see. Then you can all compare your nauseating, feed clogging parades of stupid gifs and pink cursive. This goes double for your posts about your boyfriend. We all know he's cheating on you, and when we see them that's all we think about. I feel bad for you. FUCK YOU I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME
You Listen to a Lot of Rage Against the Machine for a Bootlicker BY ZACK DE LA ROCHA
If you have listened to a single Rage Against the Machine song and you are not seeking to subvert the malicious systems of abuse which the government of the United States inflicts upon its people, then you are nothing more than a silent proponent of the proto-fascist doctrine it has been pushing since its conception. Every drop of blood on the hands of the American police, the American Military, ICE, the Klu Klux Klan, Charles Manson, The Zodiac Killer, The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire, and Cain, son of Adam and Eve, is on your hands as well. You actively benefit from power structures which suck the life out of less fortunate communities. The revolution will never start if it does not start now. What are you doing? Stop reading this. The electricity you use to run the device you're reading this on is sourced from inhumane electricitiy farms where hamsters run on really big, really heavy wheels. They're in pain. They're in pain because of you. One of them just died yesterday from over exertion. His name was Nibbles. You killed Nibbles you soulless, spineless, worthless fascist. And you don't even fucking care. You're going to finish reading this and go back to what you were doing before, because you just don't give a shit about anyone but yourself. Fuck you. You disgust me.
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2019
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ARTS
“Drawings make me feel more than people ever will”
BITCHES BE TRIPPIN' BY P P HARDING
I-M-PEACH BY FRONSHAVONCADON
the Medium
RU RAH RAHHHHHHHH BY 9"NAILER
MURDER MYSTERY ORGY VAGENE TO FEED ME DICK ALSO INTERSEX ALIENS... BY ROGER'S WANG
TO BE CONTINUED... IF YOU'RE ARTISTIC AND YOU KNOW IT, COME TO OUR MEETINGS MONDAYS AND WEDNESDAYS LSC ROOM 117C/109 AND WE WILL MAKE YOU FAMOUS
PERSONALS
the Medium
"Is it just me, or is getting hornier out there?"
Gaming
Romance
Existential Dread
Am I considered a gamer girl if I play Mario Kart 150 cc? (Depends. Do you do the Dew™ and inhale it like a fish? Indiscriminately shout random epithets and Oedipal complex projections at strangers? Have an entire inventory of weirdly personal belongings to grift creepy incel strangers and steamroll your entire reputation into a meme? Our culture pledges allegiance to no one game, console, or parental figure to cuckold.)
Why is cuffing season turning into coughing season?
Would you rather watch Nostalgia Critic’s 40 minute review of The Wall, or 40 minutes of ISIS beheading footage on loop? (Say what you will about the artists, but you can't deny the artistry and production value in those snuff videos. Can you really say the same about any Rob or Doug Walker joints?) Will I ever be able to sleep at night without hitting my indica dab pen?
Why does my exxagerrated impression of my own accent sound like five different oscillating accents thrown in a blender? (I don't know what accent you're doing or whatever LARP-y namby pamby method acting bullshit this is for, but if anyone calls you on it, plead Hardy-Hunnam Disorder as a defense. If your friends think you're an Eddie Brock or Jax Teller analogue, then what's the issue in sounding like a Mid-Atlantic Austrailian Cali Texan transplant?)
(Climate change, bronchitis, seasonal allergies, fat cloud rips, could be a plethora of factors really. If there's any silver linings though, staring down the collapse of civilization in 11 years really ups the cuffI think I have a bed fetish. Sometimes when I lay down I get extremely horny immediately. Last night I woke up erect and with a penis-shaped hole in my pillow. Is this a problem? (Not at all, if you don't mind a little chafes or torsion or tunica albuginea fracture. Have you FELT the voluptuousness of a two piece 1500-thread Egyptian cotton set? Might wanna ask your partner how they feel about laying with a chub to the temple though.)
Are we really gonna ignore the fact that I have HUGE ASS BOOTY? (Yes. This is the 27th god damn block over this address, FUCK OFF with your fucking SPAM JANICE.)
Word of the Week:
Wooder n. Dihydrogen monoxide procured from the accursed realm known as Philadelphia. You are disgusting. Decrepit filth. Your lips crust of morning film. Your face of grotesque pubic mustache stubble. Your pubes of dingleberries. Your pits of B.O. piercing three layers of deodorant. Your orifi of piss. Vomit. Fluid. Phlegm. Mucus. Rot. Excretory shit. Resigned to this grotesque fucking mound of flesh and viscera you never asked for. Days fleet faster and faster, coalescing into the same putrid, monotonous, malaised long exposure image blurred into one frame. Life ephemeral, death lurching ever closer, resignation indefinite.
(We'll all be able to find reprieve from this decrepit STD known as consciousness soon. Not soon enough, but soon nonetheless.) How do I make Parent Weekend as painless as possible?
(You don't. You are a servile fucking financially destitute embryo. This is your cross to bear till death do you part.They might have inflicted years of unjust emotional traumua, but blood and filial laws are thicker than your best interests.)
When will your page not be formatted like jank dog-
(I'M TRYING YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT. YOU TRY ALIGNING FUCKING DIVIDING LINES TILL NEAR MIDNIGHT FREE OF CHARGE YOU FUCKING Romance MOLSPINELESSINGRATE (Cont'd) LUSK FUUUUUUCKK.)
I forgot to close the Pornhub tab I opened earlier. How do I stealthily swipe away, access Reddit, and avoid detection on this crowded LX? (Tactical pocket sleight. If anyone suspects, tell them you're an evangelical youth leader studying cardinal sins, and reprimand them for even SUGGESTING that you would dare search London Keyes prone brone on your own volition.) Why is the crowd at my solo bar crawls almost always just boomers or bathroom gnats? Am I hexed with a bad aura, or is The Highest subliminally telling me to widen my net? (Schrodinger's Cougar. Do you get fucked by the dust hounds, or invite the dust hounds to fuck YOU? Go for it if you don't mind wanton Facebook screeds.)
Wednesday, Oct. 2nd, 2019
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PERSONALS: UNCUT
Dear Kelly, I desperately wanna get hit by the LX so my tuition is free. What are some good locations where I can get hit "accidentally" so this can happen?
Thanks in Advance - Desperate
Dear Desperate, To be honest, I’m right there with you. I didn’t expect this semester to go downhill so fast. I suggest waiting till after 7:00 on any given day on College Avenue, right in front of Scott Hall. There’s one LX driver who doesn’t give a single fuck. You fall over while standing? Fuck you and fuck anybody who you fall onto. Kamikaze tenpin those motherfuckers. Maybe if you slip her an extra fifty, she’ll do you a favor and run your ass over. Also, why only the LX? Just fling yourself in front of any bus; odds are they suffer from as much exorbitant overcrowding, ridiculous underfunding, and masochistic lane stragglers as any given LX line. You could also get a skateboard, without actually learning how to skateboard. Then, you have to go as fast as you can near the curb at a bus stop. There's a single moment before the bus pulls into the stop; you must yeet yourself off the skateboard and onto the road. If you get hit and die, you’ve gotten lucky. You get to experience the sweet release of death, that dust nap you’ve clamored for since the 13-14 billion odd years before you were born. If you live, you better hope that the legend of free tuition is true because that fucking hospital bill is going to fuck you sideways and in the ass. You think this is one of those Eurasian systems where Mommy and Daddy Government are doling out unrealistic freebie asspats like universal health coverage, or not leaving you to rot in the street if you don’t have that Cigna card handy?
In the free, great, and prosperous U S of A? Fuck out of here. Warmest Regards,
Kelly REVEL IN IT Wednesdays @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center Room 109
Wednesday, October 2nd, 2019
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PAGE A7
“THIS is the drinking bidet and THIS is the shitting bidet. Don't mix them up.�
Cook Like a Pro
the Medium
To Be Read on the Toilet While You Poop
College Recipe Guide An interview with Elon Musk on
How to Cook Sleep for Dinner
Step 1: Spend your grocery money on weed, alcohol, online poker, or that thing where people bet money on which square the chicken will shit on. Step 2: Also, buy yourself that jacket you've had your eye on. You work sooooooo hard alllll the time. You deserve to feel good! Step 3: Oh shit, now it's dinner time but there's no food in the fridge. Step 4: Check the fridge 5 more times in case food has materialized/come out of hiding. Step 5: Fuck, no food. At least you have weed though. Smoke until you're really, really tired. Step 6: Climb in to bed and try not to focus on those stomach grumblies. Step 7: Drift to sleep. Can serve 2.
Local Listings and Great Finds Bicycle for sale. $80 OBO. Back tire makes this really weird noise. It's like an eeiiiihhh GUHGUNKUH eiiiih every time the wheel goes around. Otherwise in perfect condition. Contact: zfox23@gmail.com
Selling my childhood toys. Haven't been touched since I walked in on my mom and her boyfriend Roger. That's when my innocence died. Contact: scarredandjoyless@aol.com
Looking for a dog walker. Last seen on the corner of Robinson and Central. Responds to Mark. Has been missing for 3 days. Is very friendly. Contact: spot@gmail.com
High-ku
A humid train car Air, thick with sweat and disdain Dead airpods, delays
the topic of moving planets
By: Throbbin Williams
Throbin Williams: Elon. Weird name. How are you? Elon Musk: I'm quite aware. Williams: Fantastic. I'm told that you think moving to a new planet could be a viable option, pending the imminent destruction of Earth by our own hand. Musk: Yes, that's right. My friends Jeff and Mark and I have been discussing this possibility during our Boys Only Very Wealthy Men Treehouse Club meetings. Williams: What's the timeframe looking like here? Musk: Well, Space X and all of my other ventures are spending a lot of time and effort on other relevant issues. For example, the Department of Ignoring the Water Crisis in Flint has been up 63% and grows every day. I also have 6 of my 9 lead engineers developing a flamethrower that can not only shoot a flame 18 meters into the air, but it also kills a wild Elephant via sattelite every time it's turned on. So, like 15 years probably. Williams: You... you're a truly encapsulating man. Musk: I'm quite aware. Williams: Will interplanetary travel be a viable solution for the whole world's population? Musk: If by 'whole world's population' you mean my family, dear friends, every billionaire and multi millionaire, athletes, scientists, athlete-scientists, Walt Disney's brain in a jar, the guy who made Game of Thrones, and every woman to ever win the Miss Universe competition, then yes. And once the 'whole world's population' is taken care of we'll see if there's room for straight, white country club members and anyone who's had their own episode of Chef's Table. Williams: Fascinating. And everyone else? Musk: Hmm? Oh, yeah. Left behind. Yeah. Williams: Extremely troubling. Well that's our time. Thanks Elon. Musk: Cool, yeah, do you guys validate parking? Williams: I'm no-
October 2nd, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.submissions@ gmail.com BYE FELICIA
RUTGERS' CHRIS ASH PROMOTED TO SPECTATOR
TOPSY TURVY What probably happened during the meeting BY FLICK BOOGER
PISCATAWAY – Another weekend. Another Loss. All was the same at Ye Olde Rutger University when news broke on Sunday that there had been
a shakeup in the coaching staff of the football team. There was some back story to this news. On Saturday, the elite Rutgers football team took on the “easy” Michigan Wolverines. Shaken up after losing 78-0 in 2016, head
coach Chris Ash was determined to do better. He was so confident that he bet Athletics’ Director Pat Hobbs that he wouldn’t lose. In the end, the score was a downer, 52-0 Michigan. At least Chris Ash, being the man of integrity and honesty that he is, technically did do better. Despite the usual loss incurred by the football team, the University as a whole benefitted. On Sunday, Coach Ash was fired. Before you get your hopes up, this was not an ordinary firing. Rather, it was a promotion. The newly disgraced Chris Ash was immediately offered a promotion. The terms of the agreement was that for the next four years, Ash would have to attend every, single Rutgers’ football game and simply sit there the whole time – all four quarters. This punishment/ promotion is to show Ash how much Rutgers cares for him and how much he was valued. The pay? A measly $8.47 million paid out in bi-weekly checks. With an average of $2.123 million paid out every year, Ash will make approximately $177,000 for every football game
he watches. Now, there has been much speculation about who would be stupid enough to pay for such an easy job. Inside sources say that Director Pat Hobbs was heard saying the words student, tuition, pay, and Ash within the same conversation. Some even heard a laugh reminiscent of Count von Count. Within a couple of hours, thousands of applicants applied for the job. Some people, with little to no coaching or football experience whatsoever were being highly considered. For example, a man by the name Don Orrhea explained how easy it would be to coach a team that was already piled into the ground. His only task would be to ruin the program even more, since that’s what Rutgers seems to like. In the meantime, however, the fifty or so students who actually attend the football games will be able to catch a glimpse of Ash on his throne drinking Dom Perignon that had been smuggled between the crevices of the wrinkles on his forehead.
Daniel Jones's Career By the Numbers
Ten Things to Remember About the New York Mets BY FLICK BOOGER
1
6
They ain't making the playoffs
They train in a dump
2 Pete Alonzo is HR King
3 They suck
4
They will never see success
5 They're the gross stepbrother of the Yankees
7 Did I mention they suck?
8 They pray they get traded
9 Mr. Met cries himself to sleep 10 The Hudson River is made up of their fans' tears
2-0
5
Win-Loss Record for the New York Giants under his helm
Brand-new Tinder matches, bringing his total matches to 6
1 Million
69
Fans that absolutely shitted on him when he got drafted before Dwayne Haskins
Times he has heard the 69 joke among his 69 other teammates.
1 Million
Unlimited
Fans that probably would kiss the ground he stands on...those suckups
Wasting Student Tuition Money SINCE 1970
Number of Dunkin Donuts Large Iced Coffees he has earned from America's coffee HQ