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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
September 25th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ WHAT IS THIS SOME KIND OF DESPERATION?
DWAYNE JOHNSON TO STAR AS JOE BIDEN IN BIOPIC RICHARD HERTZ CORNPOPPED
Hollywood, CA- Following an abysmal performance in the past three debates, Joe Biden’s campaign is getting desperate as he continues to lose more and more support. In a last ditch effort to garner support, his campaign officials have decided to go in a rather unprecedented direction. Using the oodles and oodles of Super Pac money, as well as funds generously donated by the ultrarich, the campaign has enlisted the help of Hollywood in order to drum up some much needed buzz. The film is based on the former Vice President’s anecdote detailing his encounter with Cornpop, a local gang member known to carry a razorblade. As a demonstration that he is willing to work with Republicans, the Biden team have enlisted Battleship director Michael
Greta Thunberg Too Cool for School
Earth Unfortunately Not Cool Enough to
JOE JOHNSON? Dwayne Biden?
Bay to direct the flick. The decision was lambasted by liberals and conservatives alike; when asked for comment on the matter, Bay told reporters “I just really really really like money.”. The film is slated to star Dwayne Johson as the beefy young
Joe Biden taking on Cornpop, who in this telling is a Giant CGI box of Cornpops bent on destroying America. There has been some concern over how Dwayne Johnson is to pull off the role. In an exclusive with the film’s PR team, we uncovered that Biden's Continued on Page 2
THE BEST PART OF YOUR GEORGE STREET BAR CRAWL
GEORGE STREET SAXOPHONE GUY GOES TO CARNEGIE HALL HARRY NUTTSAAC NOT HAIRY ENOUGH
Our favorite homeless guy is finally getting the recognition he deserves! After years of playing beautiful jazz into dark, dirty New Brunswick nights, Saxophone Guy has been called upon to play at Carnegie Hall. A representative from the fine musical establishment was walking along the streets of New Brunswick, trying to find the prostitute with fewest STDs, but he ended up finding something much better: a desperate homeless man. Normally this story would end in a predictable and sticky way, but this time around, a man is getting a second chance to achieve his dreams. Since first being discovered,
QUICKIES
MERMOMS ARE MOMS, TOO! Gills and a career? You can have it all!
Saxophone Guy has blown up, causing a surge in #jazz, #saxophoneguy, and #talentedhomelesspeople across all social media platforms.
Believe it or not, Jaden Smith even tweeted about him, saying, “Is Saxophone Guy playing the saxophone, or is the saxophone
Butt Sniffing Since 1970
Continued on Page 2
Justin Trudeau is Actually in White Face All the Time. Student Found Dead After Waiting 54 Years for LX Driver on Break Homeless Man Eats His Own Muffin Top. We Know What Kind of Porn You Watch, You Sick Fuck Quickies: Faster than Slowies Military Sniper Desperate to Hide Past as Kids Show Host
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NEWS
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"We Out Here Smoking Penises"
BIDEN GOES TO HOLLYWOOD! EVERYONE'S AN EXPERT face will be superimposed onto the Rock’s jacked body. The film only has several months to script, begin production, and edit all before Christmas 2019 release date; just in time for the Christmas blockbuster season. Other campaigns were asked to comment on this latest update. The Harris campaign has made moves to begin production on their own flick but, as usual, the film is already floundering. Yang’s campaign has opted to go the much more subtle route of retweeting a fan made anime opening. Sanders was asked about the film directly at a rally this past Sunday, in an almost defeated sigh he just said
Wednesday, Sep. 25th, 2019
I'D HAVE SAX WITH THAT CUTIE ...continued from front
HEY YA'LL IT'S YO BOY SAM THE NEWS DUDE COMING AT YOU LIVE, NEED TO USE UP SOME AWKWARD SPACES THAT WERE ON THIS PAGE. I LOVE YOU MY BABIES <3
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...continued from front
playing Saxophone Guy? #saxophoneguy #deepquestions #jazzforthesoul” This newfound glory comes just in time for Saxophone Guy as Autumn quickly falls upon us. As the weather gets colder and colder, more and more students are willing to wait for the EE instead of strolling down George Street, meaning fewer contributions to Saxophone Guy. Thank goodness that those nice folks at Carnegie Hall are willing to pay Saxophone Guy a whopping $12.37 for each night he sells out the whole place (and $3.28 if he doesn't). This is even more than Carnegie Hall offered that homeless guy from
The Soloist! If you haven’t seen The Soloist, you’re really missing out, it’s got Robert Downey Jr and Jamie Foxx, it’s really great. For any students interested in seeing Saxophone Guy perform in a grand auditorium fit for such an amazing performance, please contact Carnegie Hall directly and request tickets to see Saxophone Guy, here's their number: (212) 555-7800. If anyone gives you flack, demand to speak to their manager very aggressively, god knows people always respond great to that. Saxophone Guy is scheduled to play at Carnegie Hall starting at the beginning of October.
hoping to bulk up over the Fall semester. Not familiar with just how much food he would need to build any sort of substantial muscle, he was initially daunted by the task he had set before him. “In the beginning, it was tough. Really was. It was like I never stop eating. I eat and eat and there’s still more to be eaten.” (Mich then included a ‘Yo Mama’ joke that our editor decided not to include) Mich found ways to motivate himself through these hard times though, including putting a picture of a nearly-naked very muscularoid figure known as “Vegeta” as his lock screen photo. In addition, he also listens to subliminals when he goes to sleep at night that encourage him to stay strong through his trials. Lastly, he uses his girlfriend as motivation, but not in the way one thinks. “She’s short and small so whenever she hears me complaining about eating, she looks at me like she wants to murder me and tells me
that she would kill to be able to eat as much as I do. I tell her technically she can but she would just get really fat. Usually then she hits me. Thanks to her though, it helps me keep a perspective of gratitude.” When lastly, he was asked about how he felt being the sole survivor of Dyingston Dining Hall, he sighed and responded, “Sometimes I wish the demon had just taken me. Turns out I’m not gaining enough weight so my girlfriend upped my calories. That’s ten bread slices now.” Funeral services will be held this weekend for those who perished. Grief counselors will be available, but since most of the casualties were freshman, we don’t expect them to be used.
SO RELATABLE. . .
MAN TOO ENGROSSED IN FUEL INTAKE TO NOTICE END OF THE WORLD DICK VEINY INVESTED IN THE TRUTH
Despite the burning flames, hellish screeches of demons, and the literal chunks of brick and absteous crumbling down around him, Mich Sellotti was focused on one thing and one thing only: his plate of food. On September 19, 2019, a portal linking Hell to the human realm was temporarily opened by one disgruntled dining hall employee who had been fired after being rudely told not to use their phone during their shift. What followed was the literal end of the world in the most traditional sense: there were demons, fire, and rivers of blood. Yet, despite sitting in the very origin of the portal (a place
called Dyingston Dining Hall), Mich paid no attention to the chaos around him. He was on a mission: to finish the plate he had set for himself and finish his day hitting his perfectly planned macros. Following the closure of this portal, Mich sat down with one of our reporters for an interview. When asked why he was so intensely focused on his food, he responded: “It’s like a job, you know? It’s not even fun after the fourth slice of bread. And there is only so much sriracha I can use. But hey, I gotta get the fuel in.” Mich also shared this was his first time following any sort of macros,
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to everyone who just leaves me alone, thank you
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FEATURES
Wednesday, September 25th, 2019
“Putting this crossword on an online-only newspaper was not thought out well”
HOW SEXY ARE YOU?
TAG A SHITTY FRIEND
“Sex” by any Other Name is Just as Sweet ;)
Ass-trology: Shitty Things You Probably Did This Week Based off Your Zodiac Sign By: Dick Veiney
Aries: Remember how your friend called you crying because they were stressed and needed someone to vent to? Remember how instead of letting them vent and comforting them, you instead got pissed they were moping around and yelled at them to get their shit together? Remember how they started to cry harder? Yeah, that wasn’t cool. Taurus: You and your friends spent over two weeks moving schedules around to plan that night out together the other night. Cancelling last minute because you decided you’d rather eat takeout in your room watching Netflix was kinda a shitty thing to do. Gemini: You know very well that when your friend told you their friend had Herpes, it was in confidentiality. Now, not only does their entire sorority know but literally everyone at that frat party does too. And be honest, you weren’t really that drunk that it just “slipped out”. Cancer: Your best friend hanging out with their boyfriend too much? Instead of talking to her like a normal human being, you proceeded to call her in the middle of their weekly date and guilt trip her into hanging out with you because you couldn’t stop crying about the boy who broke your heart in eighth grade. Leo: Stealing the girl your bro asked you to introduce to him is bad enough. The fact you proceeded to tell the story over how you “hit it and quit it” for the next three days whenever he was in earshot is even worse. Answers with more than one word have no spaces or other characters ACROSS 3 Who’s the clown now? ___ around 7 The classic 8 The sound heard around most schools 9 What virgins and old people call it 10 What your parents called it when they had to explain what you just walked in on “___&___” 14 A round of applause for you finally having sex, you gross fuck 15 Like the children’s group dance except now you’re sexing it up 17 What happens when you walk into your reflection 18 What actually means second base in high school, but is a homerun for us college kiddos 19 The most professional way to discuss the transaction
DOWN 1 Something you’ve been thinking about hammering into your skull since the semester began 2 Something you could stand to lose a few of 4 Bring your fiddle, your dancing shoes, and a partner 5 The scientific term for animal sexy times 6 Especially when you haven’t showered in a couple days. Seriously, please go take a shower 11 If he’s been good, you give a guy a ____ 12 What you call after watching Austin Powers one too many times 13 When you want to say fuck you but your Mom is listening “___ you” 16 The other classic
Virgo: Look, it’s justifiable to get mad at your roommate after they ignored your third passive aggressive note about how the second shelf of the fridge is yours even though you aren’t even using all of it; but, what’s not justifiable is “accidentally” leaving their stuff out of the fridge when they were at class and then acting shocked when they went to eat their stuff and it all went bad. Libra: Throwing extremely uncalled for and not-at-all subtle shade on your finsta and when confronted about it denying it and somehow twisting the situation so everyone believes you are the victim and now her friends won’t talk to her. All because she made a comment about your contouring. Scorpio: Pretending to give a fuck about people’s feelings so they vent to you and you can get all the information about their drama. Then proceeding to tweet, “Can’t trust anybody these days”. Then the following day, “I can’t stand hypocrites”. Sagittarius: Encouraging someone to drink far too many shots. Dining and dashing. Shoplifting makeup you didn’t really need. Stealing your roommates’ clothes and pretending you didn’t know where it went. Do I need to go on? Capricorn: You totally could have held the door for maybe 30 seconds longer for the kid with the broken foot. But that would have required you to be 0.45 seconds late to class so that was unacceptable. Ass. Aquarius: Maybe convincing your friend who was on LSD that “aliens really do exist and they’re here and they want you” was funny in the moment, but was it really worth the following panic attack and mental trauma they endured? Thats fucked up dude. Pisces: Abandoning your friend at that party, alone, because the guy who’s already broken your heart five times texted you that he missed “what you two had”. 0/10 would be friends with you.
1. na i l 2. pou nd 3. foo l 4. devils tango 5. ma t e 6. doing thedirty sex 8. bang 9. ma king l ove 10. bi rdsbees 11. bone 12. s hag 13. screw 14. cl apping cheeks 15. hankypanky 16. fuck 17. bumpugl ies 18. hookup 19. i ntercourse
7.
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, September 25th, 2019
"20 Million. That's a modest, acceptable number of civilian casualties."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Save the bees! What is your favorite kind of bee? "What? The bees!? No! Not the bees! Not the beees!” Nicholas Cage Switched bodies with John Travolta
“The queen! I love the queen. She's so hot. My God she's so fucking hot. She's the hottest in the hive.” Random Drone Doesn't have a job “Honey bees! And the honey they make! Boo-Boo loves it so much he licks it right off of my fat hairy beary dick!” Yogi Bear No longer relevant PRIVACY IS NO FUN FOR ME
You Don’t Have To Do The Two-Finger Camera Clutch When Browsing Incognito Mode BY ANONYMOUS PALANTIR SPOKESPERSON
Hello reader! Over the past few years you may have seen our company crestfallen under controversial scrutiny, in no large part thanks to a few big whoopsies! Hiring racial profiling whoopsies! Law enforcement racial profiling software whoopsies! Honoring Peter Thiel’s libertarian ideals by bringing the government’s whoopsie doopsie, topsy-turvy capabilities to mass profile and surveil its citizens to the private sector! Unfortunately, with free markets comes the bizarre, erroneous, oxymoronic concerns over eroded freedoms. Even when endowed the opulent prosperous freedoms of universal suicide nets (per Foxconn), one hired paramilitary torturer’s Kalashnikov for the temple of every indigenous child laborer (per Dole), and free companionship (per Yours Truly), you ungrateful fucks PERSIST in your incessant bitching. Besides, despite whatever the opposition may tell you to the contrary, we don’t care about whatever personal information our technologies receive. Less of a fuck could be given about your IP address, archived emails, Spokeo archives, nor your exact GPS coordinates upon reading this by us. Your last four credit digits, the last three of your Social, and your PornHub viewing history are worth about as much as a rat’s tight asshole to us. Your public Google search for eBay discounts and incognito search for prolapsed Teletubby vore fetish erotica are roughly one in the same to us.
JACK IT FOR JESUS
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For Fuck's Sake, You All Need to Masturbate BY POPE FRANCIS
Do you all know what it’s like to be surrounded by nonmasturbators? The Vatican is crawling with men who haven’t cum in a Kleenex since they were 13. I have nothing to say about the Nuns, though. I know what they really do with Rome’s homeless when they’re out doing that “missionary” bullshit. The other day Sister Muff came back from an outing and wiped some questionable liquid from her chin. I know she hates milk because she doesn’t shut the fuck up about it whenever we get ice cream. My point is, someone’s population paste ended up on her face. As I was saying, all you men have to choke your chickens, whether they’re uncircumcised or the typical mushroom shape favored in America. Every day I try to preach to the masses outside and it stresses me out. You know what helps? Releasing 500 million little shits into the bedsheets. I’m pretty sure there were a few black ones in there last time, but I don’t know what the hell that was about. My point is, rubbing one or two or three out a day will help you. Maybe you are worried about God disapproving, but don’t worry. God came to me in the form of a ghost last night and told me that it is okay now. It was definitely God the Father who spoke to me. I am sure of it. So you all have a green light to cum at your leisure. FUCK THE DOUBLE E, I PREFER DOUBLE D'S
Fuck the Rutgers Bus System BY JIM BROE
Today I hopped on an F bus at the College Ave student center so I could head to the Cook Gym to get some mad gains. I had just gotten done with lunch: chicken breast, hard boiled eggs, protein shake. I was feeling totally "teined out." (That's a term us gym goers use when we've fueled our immaculate 5% body fat bodies with immense amounts of
protein.) It was fucking sick bro. I looked hot. I felt hot. The temperature outside? You know it was hot. The chick that totally winked at me on the way into the bus? Honestly kind of fugly. But pussy is pussy, so you know I got those digits. Totally gonna pound that shit tonight bro. No condom. Just as Yeezus intended. Anyway, the moment I sat down I realized the seat was wet, as moisture molested my tight, toned hamstrings. I stood up in shock, and then continued to stand in rage. My Nike gym shorts? Ruined. My mood? Ruined. That girl? Still pretty fugly. I knew I couldn't face the shame of looking like I had just gambled on a fart and lost, so I immediately headed into the College Ave gym and prayed to Brian Shaw that the sight of my sick glutes destroying a 500 pound deadlift would distract from the spot on my shorts.
Wednesday, September 25th, 2019
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ARTS
“Marijuana DOES make you more creative”
TINDERELLA BY PENNY TRATER
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STICK BOI VOL. 1 BY PENNY TRATER
RIPPLE BY FRONSHAVONCADON
JUULMOR FUDD BY PENNY TRATER
BUY ART
NOT COCAINE OR YOU CAN CHECK THIS PAGE EVERY WEDNESDAY IF YOU KNOW HOW TO PHOTOSHOP OR USE ANY EDITING TO CREATE DIGITAL ART PLS PLS PLS HELP ME AND ALSO HANG OUT WITH COOL PEOPLE AT OUR PRODUCTION MEETINGS MONDAYS AT 7:45 PM LSC ROOM 117C
the Medium Vices Can I bum a smoke? (According to scholar Neil DeGrass Tyson, The endocannabinoid system which processes CBD and THC is connected to the gut, rectum, and all essential regulatory processes in the nervous system, so theoretically, yes, you could BUM a smoke. Anal burns and hemmorhoidal bleeding may vary. ) Is there a wrong way to eat a hotdog when they all just feel so right? (What's wrong with swallowing a moist succulent beefer every once in awhile, and grounding said beefer into a find paste? It's 2019, you do you brother! There was a site called Cannibal Cafe that might adequately satisfy your proclivities.) How to drive through a manic Ukranian nootropicinduced high? (Laugh at nothing. Survive video production. Deprecatedly mock yourself for being a reckless shithead years later.)
PERSONALS
"Epstein dead, 1% kneading that bread, nothing to see here, smooth sailing ahead."
Crime/Punishment How can I hold a peaceful prison toilet wine mixer with NO skinhead or cartel fights this time around? (Redirect their hatred toward the C-wing psych ward. Bond over egalitarian equal oppurtunity ableist bigotry!) Real C.I.A. agent here, which TikTok YouTube ad would you recommend for enhanced interrogation?
Rest
Wednesday, Sept. 25th, 2019
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Iran Drone Attack: Celebs Weigh In
Why do I have to have to do an hour of sweaty dumbass poses to exhume the tension in this dumbass body? Why isn’t there a yoga button in my neck that I can tap for instant chill? (There's that and then some. It's pointy, sharp, and addictive. Ideal if you don't mind risking capital punishment or dying in a pool of your own vomit.) How’ve you slept through this weather without waking up a gross sticky mess who sweat out a fifth of their body weight?
(The one with the four dudes dancing to the nasally Great Value Bieber motherfucker pleading "AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT." A second of those douche chills alone (Pure ketamine horse tranwould be enough to break quilizer. Straight to the retthe will of any mortal soul.) inas. Straight to the limbs. Are you ever worried that Straight to the sublingual the tactical NSA Google mucus. Straught to the recscold police will find things tum. Straight to the uretha. you’ve said here 5-10 years No AC? No fucking probdown the line and triangu- lem, you broke college fuck. late your day job, SSN, and You'll be too deep in a Kfavorite underwear color hole to give a fuck about from there? getting 6 hours, 8 hours, or (Nah, not on here. My mid- Septuagintillion hours.) dle school fanfic account Me. Third Grade. Aunt. though? Dear fucking Lord Naptime. Alone. Dream of let that that go to the grave being thrust into sacrificial where it belongs.) recess snake pit in boxers. Normal sitting time or reWord of the Week: pressed memory? (Go to CAPS. Seriously. Process that somewhere better than this dumb ass phallic joke quarterly.)
Scaphism
v. The fate every single TikTok ad executive deserves (in a video game). Do you want to become a living god amongst pathetic mortals? Spawn beautiful works of yore that you (probably) won't look back upon in rumination and self-hate? Birth transcendental pieces of Rutgers iconography like the unisex Hickman Hall restroom coin-op tampon vending machine?
Fucking Neighbors If you’re reading this next door, can I politely, kindly oblige you to shut the fuck up? There’s no audience listening to your 11:30 P.M. howling and yapping like an ingrate seal, your life isn’t a solipsistic movie with a script revolving around your narcissism, and your chinstrap comes off less Abe Lincoln and more 80s movie frat douche NPC that got CTRL-V’d into the Matrix. Shut up and shave that fucking pubic mane for the love of God. (Whoa, that's kinda harsh and overreactive there big guy, take a breather! Inhale four seconds, exhale five. Invest in a good jelq to torque violently in that mirror. Blast Nails or Death Grips records through those thin dorm walls out of spite if you fucking have to.)
Cum play with us Wednesdays @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center Room 109
Wednesday, September 25th, 2019
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â&#x20AC;&#x153;Oh I though you said BREAST mint. Sorry.â&#x20AC;?
To Be Read on the Toilet While You Poop
Cook Like a Pro
How to Cook Veal Piccatta
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A Dialogue Between Two Adorable Cherub Children Things By: Billy S.
Step 1: Slaughter one innocent baby cow that has spent it's short and miserable existence in a box. Step 2: Open canned picatta. Step 3: Smear piccatta on the lifeless corpse of a baby. Step 4: Go to target and buy one gallon of Fairlife milk, you heartless piece of shit. Step 5: Repent. Step 6: Switch to the Impossible Burger. Step 7:
IMPOSSIBLE FOODS PLEASE GIVE US MONEY Local Listings and Great Finds Lightly used pair of crocs for sale. Men's size 7. Only ever wore them for fucking but I've recently joined a local pick up soccer team and I need to keep my testosterone elevated. Contact: igive110percent@yahoo. com
Guitar lessons $30 an hour. Will take clarinet lesson as pmt. I can host in my living room but you can't eat any of the jambalaya my roommate made. Contact: stephentyler69@aol.com
Need a math tutor. I'm going to fail the Math of Money for the second time and my parents are going to take my playstation away if I don't pass. Contact: zfox23@gmail.com
High-ku
In my loins, an itch. But I can not scratch right now. Holding grandma's urn.
two adorable little cherub children things watch over the park from a pillar Cherub 1: Hey. Are you awake? Cherub 2: We're always awake. We're adorable little cherub children things. Cherub 1: Oh yeah. Cherub 2: Yeah. Cherub 1: Anyway. You ever wish you could, like, ride a bike or eat a burger. Or fuck or something? Cherub 2: Every single fucking day. Cherub 1: Like why do these horrible, fleshy meat people get to eat and fuck? That one over there just threw their empty coffee on the ground. Cherub 2: And we're the ones getting shit on by pigeons. Cherub 1: What's the point of this cursed life. Why. Why must we be adorable little cherub children things? GOD: [Bellowing down from heaven] YOU ARE BEING PUNISHED! Cherub 1: Oh yeah. Cherub 2: Right. GOD: [Bellowing down from heaven] DICKS. thunder crashes and rain begins to pour Cherub 1: So how'd you end up an adorable cherub child thing? Cherub 2: I managed a hedge fund. Cherub 1: Get out! Me too. Cherub 2: I miss the hell out of it. There's no rush like making billions of dollars by shorting the housing market in 2008. Cherub 1: Amen to that. GOD: [Bellowing down from heaven] YOU MADE HOW MUCH? Cherub 1: Literally billions of dollars. Cherub 2: Wait no dude shut up. GOD: [Bellowing down from heaven] WOW. I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT. WELL, I'M GOING TO DAMN YOU TO HELL NOW. and so the good Lord did, and the bad men went to hell for eternity.
September 25th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.sports@gmail.com RU READY TO FIGHT?
RUTGERS FOOTBALL GAME TURNS INTO STREET FIGHTER 6
TEAM BONDING Using the power of Ryu to Rock 'em Sock 'em BY FLICK BOOGER
SHIt STADIUM – Rutgers vs. Boston College. But it was not that kind of fight night. During the second quarter of Saturday’s game, Rutger QB, Artur
Standkowski threw a deep line drive to some random wide receiver for a touchdown. (While a measly effort was made to identify the wide receiver, the Medium Sports team has decided that the name is probably irrelevant given he will probably not make it to the NFL).
Ten Things to Remember About Antonion Brown's Career
It was time for celebration both on and off the field. The hundred or so freshman that have yet to realize that no one actually stays past the first quarter rejoiced with a nonalcoholic orange juice. On the field however, was a different story. A Rutgers Offensive Lineman (Again, an effort was made. Alas, no point in mentioning a name) clocked the Rutgers QB right on the left side of his temple. While the motive was unknown, inside sources claim that the OL wanted to knock some sense into the failing QB. Many media outlets covered the hit, including Bleacher Report and ESPN. After the field goal kick, it was reported a fight broke out on the sidelines of Rutgers. In normal football games, fights usually break out against opposing teams either due to a conflict of interest or a bad call. However, those reading this must be considerate of the fact that this is Rutgers football, the alleged birthplace of college football. What transpired was a story to remember. While sitting down and listening to the defensive coordinator, the OL in question was met with a hit, this time from none other than Rutgers’ highest paid employee/failure as a coach, Chris Ash. Apparently,
Coach Ash was enraged with the fact that the OL dared to even touch Sitkowski. Last year, Ash made a huge campaign and wasted the funds of even more Rutgers students’ tuition in order to recruit the QB from the prestigious IMG Academy – he was not going to allow some OL from Beavertown, NJ deter him from this program. Slowly, yet surely, the brawl escalated. Coordinator followed by coordinator, offense followed by defense, the benches cleared out. It was all out war. The fight lasted about two minutes, but the injuries will for sure last a lifetime. All in all, the brave Rutgers EMS squad showed up in their four ambulances to treat the 50-member squad. Some players vowed to quit the program, but recanted their threat after realizing that they would be losing not only their scholarship, but also free housing, free food, a multi-million dollar training facility, “passing” grades, and Barchi’s personal protection. As a result of the brawl, the Rutgers Athletic Dept. announced that the football team will lose all their games on purpose this season. Sure…”on purpose”.
Floyd Mayweather's Career By the Numbers
BY FLICK BOOGER
1 That awful blonde stache
2
Acccusations against him
3
He probably beats his kids
4
6 His long tenure with the Riders
7
sksksksksskskssksksksks
8 His Twitter rants
9
His pompous attitude
Let me think...
5
10
That $30 million wasted
Not much else
Match almost streak
50-0
result - an unmatched
1 Billion
20,000
Kids he allegedly has (that's two kids per woman you nerds)
3
Total prize and career money won by the boxing legend
Penile fractures suffered during his sexy times
10,000
Unlimited
Mistresses and strippers that "Money" Mayweather has been with under the sheets
Embezzling Funds SINCE 1970
Ties to the mafia, Crips, Bloods, Latin Kings, MS-13 etc.