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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 16th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ CAN WE GET OFF THIS FUCKED UP RIDE NOW????????
NEW TRUMP PROPAGANDA FILM "TRUMP OF THE WILL"
TRIGGERED LIB I'LL MAKE YOUR SPACE SAFE
Washington D.C.- Following reports of a violent viral video being shown at a Trump hotel by his supporters, the mainstream media and twitter-scape have been in an uproar. The video in question is a clip from the film Kingsman: The Secret Service and has Trump’s face superimposed on a primary character, as he kills people that have the logos and faces of his various (and numerous) political opponents superimposed onto CHIMKEN?!?! them. Despite Trump consistently Sexy Fried Chicken using violent rhetoric in his rallies video, die-hard Trump supporters and twitter posts, people are like David Duke and Richard somehow shocked at the brutality Spencer have started a GoFundMe of the video. As of this article being campaign to fund the newest written, Trump has been informed Trump 2020 campaign video. The about the content but has yet to project is called “Trump of the condemn it; because of course he Will” and it will be a documentary hasn’t. following Trump on his way to a Emboldened by the viral
Local Man Does Drugs rally. The film seeks to show the beauty and dignity of the Trump supporters as they celebrate their glorious leader. As far as music, the film returns to Trump’s German roots by consisting of seventyfive percent Richard Wagner; the remaining twenty-five percent
RAPE IS LAME YO!
EVERY PURPLE COOKIE YOU EAT THIS WEEK SAVES A GIRL FROM RAPE HARRY NUTTSACC YET NOT HARRY ENOUGH
conference, where he said: "There are a number of people on the team that have access to the account and it appears that someone inadvertently hit the like button. And besides, everyone on my team loves women! We wouldn't want any women to get
IT'S PIE FUCKING SEASON, YEEHAW!
Ellen Brings Her Epic Jumpscare Pranks LIVE to Guantanamo
Continued on Page 2
New Brunswick, NJ- In an amazing effort to try and eliminate rape culture in America, Rutgers has decided to color their cookies purple! These dry, flavorless, purple nightmares are probably the second-worst attempt possible at raising awareness about an issue, right behind an act of terrorism (we're looking at you, 9/11). Petitions against these horrible cookies went viral online and even President Barchi saw it on Facebook. He got into some hot water, though, after he liked the petition and people started accusing him of not supporting the cookies because he supports sexual assault. The online hate got so big that Barchi decided to hold a press
QUICKIES
hurt, we just hate the cookies!" When this excuse failed to appease the crowd and even riled up some of the dining hall workers, Barchi began to sweat and move around a lot. Then, he blurted out, "We're actually gonna save women! That's Continued on Page 2
EATIN' ASS Since 1970
Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Chris Ash Moves to Texas Without a Fuss FCC Announces Bill to Segregate All The Office Fans From Dating Apps New Pokemon Just a Human Foot President Thought Kurds Referred to Cheese It was me, I did the Drugs Amazon Sells Discount Organs in China
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NEWS
Wednesday, Oct. 16th, 2019
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"We've all done it."
TRUMP MORE LIKE DRUMP, AIN'T I FUNNY EVERYONE'S AN EXPERT
...continued from front
consists of a mixture of Ted calling the whole thing a Nugent, Kid Rock, and Kanye joke and that the libs are just “too West. sensitive”. People have brought out the obvious connections to FOLLOW US ON the 1935 Nazi Propaganda film “Triumph of the Will”, directed SOCIAL MEDIA by Leni Reifenstahl. This has been vehemently denied by the parties FB: THE MEDIUM involved, and David Duke(Grand Wizard of the Klu Klux Klan) has IG: THEMEDIUMRU been quoted as saying “The left always has to make everything TW: THEMEDIUMRU about Nazis, TYPICAL!”. Prominent figures in the alt-right PORNHUB: TBA have been denying the Nazi connections, when that proved to WE LOVE YOU not be effective they started saying that it wasn’t really that bad, and
I'LL EAT YOUR COOKIE, WITH CONSENT THO MAKE YOUR DONATION ...continued from front right, for every cookie you guys things he did to those Rutgers eat, RUPD is gonna make sure to athletes a couple of weeks ago. help another girl in danger. We're gonna make sure everyone feels safe at Rutgers!" SO UH, HERE WE The crowd applauded and cheered Barchi on, excited that Rutgers ARE AGAIN. JUST was going to finally do something about this major issue. A lot of YOU AND ME. people had doubts about what RUPD would really do because INTIMATE, ISN'T IT? of the university's track record. However, Barchi seems to have I ALREADY KNOW actually carried through on his word: RUPD seriously ramped up their investigations into sexual THE ANSWER TO THAT. assault accusations on campus. ;) The task force was given so many resources, they were able to take in Barchi himself for the horrible
CAN'T LIE, I'D WATCH IT
WARNER BROS. PLAN WILLY WONKA REBOOT FOR “A NEW GENERATION” MANUEL C. HODE IT'S NOT THAT SHORT
Following the success of Todd Phillips’ Joker film earlier this month, Warner Brothers has contemplated the possibility of releasing other standalone, lowbudget, edgy reboots of their preexisting IPs. One such potential reboot, according to an internal memo and script treatment obtained by Medium Insiders, is a 2020 reimagining of Willy Wonka catered to the Gen-Z demographic. Tentatively titled “Lil Bonka”, the film is slated to be a truly contemporary reimagining of the Roald Dahl classic.
rapper with dreams of preaching his ethos of flat earth theory and respecting law enforcement to the Facebook masses. Few appreciate his powerful bars and poignant verbosity transcending the lurid teeny bopper talk of reefer and hoes, save the occasional pity like from his BASED Grandpa Joe. Few, that is, until Chuck finds his way into a top secret, non-encrypted, Microsoft monitored parties and plugs GroupMe moderated by the mythical, enigmatic Lil Bonka, played by a CGI composite of Tekashi 6ix9ine’s likeness.
Chuck Buckets (Logan Paul) is an aspiring white rapper with
Billiam L. Bonka is a manifestation of all of Buckets’ desires; confident,
affluent, an influencer with over 3.7 million SoundCloud followers that definitely aren’t bots, and a member of the Nine Trey Bloods who didn’t catch the real 6ix9ine case. Seeing his potential, he invites Chuck and four other influencers to an exclusive mansion rager: August Gloopy (Timmy Thick), haunch popping extraordinaire, Veruca Salty (Belle Delphine), Instagram model, Violet Beatrix (Billie Eilish), a nihilistic Juuler Zoomer Boomer goth girl who’s made viral slowedreverb R&B remix AMVs to Bart Simpson lolicon, and Mike Twitch. TeeVee (FaZe Tfue), an aspiring e-sports streamer who sporadically breaks into problematic heated gaming outbursts.
and a plethora of new, 808-heavy, and questionably appropriated vernacular-heavy remixes of old favorites like “Bonka’s Glass Shatter Indicavator”, “I Want It Bet”, and “Toke With Me, And You’ll Cop a Ratchet Wave of Deadass Boolin (No Cap)”. Will Chuck spit his way to the Golden Xans? Will Time-Warner rake in another eight billion next fiscal quarter off the rehashed and reheated leftovers of old slurry? Will I give enough of a fuck to end this piece succinctly? Find out soon enough.
Each one is vying for the same lifetime hookup to Golden Xanny Bars, but to get there, they’ll have to survive traversing Mr. Bonka’s lean river, his Everlasting Mango Pods, luscious rainbow licorice locks, his questionable harem of underaged lip-syncing Tikka Tokka girls,
DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU SEE? WRITE SOMETHING BETTER! EMAIL ME THAT SHIT BOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 7:45 IN LSC 109
Editorial Staff Fall 2019
Editor-in-Chief Zachary Fox Managing Editor Vickram Singh Business Manager Shaina Joseph Mascot Long-Island Medium
News Editors Samuel Hammer Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor Features Editor
Michael Celletti Dhvani Mashru Brendan Suszynski Dan Cretella Kelly Manniello
Sports Editor Copy Editor Copy Editor Treasurer Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Roger Wang Ikjot Tagore Kelly Manniello Max Broggi-Sumner William Field YOU
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to all the pimps around the world.
Wednesday, October 16th, 2019 themedium.submissions@gmail.com
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FEATURES “I’m fine, I’m just tired.”
IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR
SUGARY SWEET
Interview with Ex-Sugar Baby Who Found Love By Heywood Jablomi (God I wish that was me)
We here at the Medium were lucky enough to get an interview with Mrs. Jade Wright-Crimson, who recently returned from her honeymoon with her wife Angel. Angel and Jade met through a mutual sugar daddy, who unfortunately passed away over the summer.
Quiz: When Will Your Seasonal Depression Kick In? By Dick Veiney
1. What do you dread the most? a. Seeing couples posting endless amounts of photos in apple orchards or pumpkin patches b. Tolerating your politically incorrect, constantly drunk relatives as they spew things that are literally factually incorrect c. Being reminded that you parents love your siblings more than you because you literally got a toothbrush and they got a car 2. What is the worst way to die? a. Bleeding to death because you didn’t check the candy in your basket and accidentally swallowed a razor blade b. Shitting yourself to death because your aunt thought that you were “only being dramatic” when you told her you couldn’t eat dairy c. Being impaled as you attempt to maneuver a seven foot tree through a door frame that was most certainly not meant for anything with a greater circumference than 50 inches 3. Which of these are the worst? a. Candy Corn b. Green bean casserole c. Eggnog 4. Would you support global warming if it meant never getting seasonal depression again? a. Yes b. Yes c. Yes
Mostly A’s: October Mostly B’s: November Mostly C’s: December
TRYING TO DELAY THE EFFECTS OF SEASONAL DEPRESSION?? SO ARE WE! COME TO THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS FROM 7:45 - 8:45 IN THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 109 TO LAUGH THROUGH THE PAIN!
Medium: Nice to have you here, Jade. We understand you and your wife had the same sugar daddy? Jade: Yes! We were both seniors in college at the time, she was actually at Rutgers, and wanted to get started on getting rid of our frankly disgusting amount of debt. Both of us happened to get in contact with Richard Stokes, he was in his seventies but he was loaded. We never actually ended up meeting him in real life, it was mostly pictures and chats. He could never figure out video chats, poor guy. Anyway, sometimes he liked, uh, ‘playing with’ both of us at once, and one night after he went to sleep we decided to chat for a while. M: How long have you been together? J: Almost six years. We were long distance for a bit at first, but then we told Rich that if we were together we could send him group pictures. He ended up paying for my entire move! M: That’s very generous of him. J: He was a horny old bastard, but he appreciated there were more important things in life than money. M: Can you tell us a little bit about Mr. Stokes? J: He was kind of a lonely guy. Hardworking businessman, made a lot of money, but didn’t have a lot of friends at work. No family, never married. He was nice, though, in a pervy sort of way. I’ll miss him. M: I understand he left the two of you a little something? J: Not just a little! He basically paid for our wedding, our honeymoon, and we’ve got a good start on buying a new house! If we have a son, I think we’ll name him Richie. M: Sounds like a nice way to honor his memory. Do you think you’ll find another sugar daddy? J: I don’t think so, but I wouldn’t close myself to the idea. We had some very good times.
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 16th, 2019
"I am constantly amazed by how much smarter I am than everyone around me."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What's your favorite way to slaughter the native population of America? "Smallpox! We had the sick sneeze in a few blankets and then gave em to the Indians. At least they didn't die cold.” Jeffery Amherst Officer of the British Army "Plain old warfare works pretty well as long as you can think up good excuses for why you shot first." James W. Forsyth US Army General "Just tell everyone that they're savages and let that sweet sweet manifest destiny take its course." Peter Hardenman Burnett Governor of California AND SO THE LORD SPOKE ONTO THEM: "FUCK."
Bible Peddlers are a Menace to Society BY JESUS CHRIST
I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but it’s that time of year again. The Christians are back. Now that the summer sun has settled behind the clouds and their aggressively white skin is no longer in danger, the central Jersey brood has begun to awaken from its slumber. Will their thirst for debauchery ever be quenched? They’ve already taken Christmas and Easter from us, and now they’re coming for the serene, peaceful streets of College Ave. They’re abhorrent, I tell you. Every last one of them. They won’t stop until every home in the nation has a cross above the front door, and a Bible in every night stand. Could you imagine such a dystopia? Just the thought of it makes me sick. The infestation seems to be localized to the area surrounding the College Ave Student Center, though some have been sighted in and around Brower Commons. A keen eye may catch the telltale sign of infestation: pocket versions of the New Testament in the literature receptacles in the area. This excrement that the creatures leave, while unsightly and disgusting, does make excellent toilet paper if you’re running low, so stock up if you’re in need. Just don’t leave it out for guests to see, lest they mistake you for a degenerate. The Rutgers Department of Institutional Planning and Operations has yet to comment on how it plans to deal with the situation. Experts predict that if a campus wide extermination is not executed soon, then the parasites may spread to the Livingston and Busch campuses. One shudders to think what may happen if they reach Cook/ Douglass. Feminists and the fanatically religious are natural enemies. Conservative estimates put the potential death count at 316.
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YOU LOOK EMBARRASSINGLY UNATHLETIC
Freshman Need to Stop Running for the Fucking Busses BY JIM NASH
I'm sure everyone here has had this happen to them: I was walking to the bus earlier today, wanting to die with every additional step I took, thinking, "It's way too early for this fucking bullshit." The only thing keeping me on my feet are the six shots of espresso and the line of coke I had for breakfast this morning. Then, this fucking douche frosh comes up behind me, practically Naruto sprinting for the goddamn bus, and knocks me over into a ditch. The prick didn't even turn around and look at me, he just hopped right into the bus. Joke's on him, the bus driver stopped for one of his twenty breaks this morning, so I was able to catch up to him and beat the shit out of him. When are these freshmen gonna learn that nothing really matters? We're all here and miserable together, let's all just accept that class doesn't matter, college doesn't matter, life doesn't matter. "But I have to pass this class! If I don't, I'm not gonna graduate on time!" Join the club pal, nobody here is graduating on time. You think you're special? Do you really think that little dip in your "participation" grade is gonna make any difference? You're still gonna go back to your dorm afterward, halfass that essay you have to write, and not study for your test, so what's really holding you back? Just do what the rest of us do: accept that this life is a roller coaster that nobody has any control over and just try to enjoy it. ALSO MY TONGUE GETS TIRED
I Shouldn't Have to Eat Pussy because it Doesn't Fit my Macros BY JIM BROE
Look, we all know that squirting is just pee - it’s the sexual elephant in the room. But what most people don’t know is that in pussy juice there’s fat. Like the fatter the lips of the pussy, the more fat in the juice. And not to say nothing about my girl, but her juice be like heavy cream if you know what I mean. So I told her that I shouldn’t have to eat her pussy anymore cause I can’t fit it in my macros. I can’t be blowing all my grams of fat in one round of head. One round! And my girl, oh she ain’t satisfied with one round cause she a spoiled bitch. So I told her, until I’m done with my cut, she can’t be getting anymore clitoris inspections by the MD that is my tongue. But she’s pissed! She’s mad! Like I said, she a spoiled bitch. I then tried to explain it to her with the heavy cream analogy and shit and was like “Yo, pretend I’m lactose intolerant”. That seemed to make her more mad. So then I even offered to take her to Applebees instead of our usual spot (McDonalds) cause that 2 for $20 still slaps, but then she called me a “broke ass bitch that she should have given herpes to and just left that one night” and I’m not gonna lie that hurt, but then I hit a personal record at the gym and didn’t give a fuck anymore. Did you know I can leg press over 500? That’s maxing the machine, dude. I’m an animal.
Wednesday, October 16th, 2019
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ARTS
“Art is pain..that's why they call it painting”
R U READY FOR HOMECUMMING?! A scarlet knight you won't forget by P. P. Harding
CRITIC'S REVIEW A Review of, "Dick Jester" - By, Narcissus Ego Affluent Douche In many ways, the work of a critic is back-breakingly difficult. We risk EVERYTHING, leading us to, rightfully, retain a position of power over would-be “artists”. We take no pleasure in writing negative criticism, it is simply a necessary evil to fulfill in the world. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk really is junk and people need to shut the fuck up and only listen to me. But there are times when a critic blesses the world with their opinion, and that is in the discovery and defense of the *good*. The world is often unkind to great talent, gaudy creations. The “new” doesn’t need friends, the “good” needs more people to listen to critics so they know what “good” even is. Last night, I experienced something GOOD: an extraordinary art piece from a totally expected source. To say that both the art and its artists have aligned with my preconceived notions of art is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. To the uninitiated, this exquisite piece is akin to Aku Aku from Crash Bandicoot eating multiple versions of himself, coagulating in a being that looks like a phallic Tribal Mask that WON’T STOP STARING AT YOU. The three layers signify the three life gates our souls must pass in order to reach our true potential: to be a funny dick. Jester Dick is the epitome of fine art, a capstone to this current cultural epoch, LITERALLY THE ONLY REASON TO BE ALIVE. Also I think Joker is a dangerous film!
DOES GENITALIA ART TURN YOU ON? COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM LSC 109
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THAT PUFF BETTER BE POWERFUL DabberPuff Girls by Anonymous Asshole
GENITALIA OF THE WEAK (GOTW) Dick Jester By Fronshavoncadon
PERSONALS
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Wednesday, October 16th, 2019
"Joey Diaz Trepans Your Skull With Power Drill (ASMR) (12D Audio) (Slowed x Reverb)" themedium.submissions@gmail.com
Small Packages
Disease
Anime
Last week I ran out of fresh boxers before remembering to wash more. How the fuck am I a functional human being who’s managed to survive nearly a quarter century on this planet? (Your guess is just about as good as mine, Sweatpant Commando.)
How to look sick AF while being sick AF? (Make your final Make-AWish a Hypebeast pop up show, and steal as much of the flyest streetwear as humanly possible. What kind of heartless POS would get mad at a dying man? It’s the perfect crime really.)
How do I politely tell this guy at the gym to tone the treadmill Naruto running down a decibel or five?
Why the FUCK do I always get hard when the professor starts reading Emily Dickin(We all pop masc hard-ons and femme lady boners at the thought of Death-Senpai finally stopping for us and noticing. Thirsting for that sweet release is a universal, egalitarian past time, and it’s nothing you should feel ashamed of. Pop that chub and wave it high damn it!) Why won’t my homie vibe check with me at the club every five minutes? I’m just trying to make sure he’s having fun. (Oh, we’re having FUN alright, you don't need to worry. Maybe it's YOU whomst needs an examinatory checking of the vibes my dude, my guy, my man, my good sir, m'lady, my sister mister, my non-familial relational noun.)
Why does my pee hurt so good?
(Gonorrhea. If I were you I’d get it checked before the septic shock takes hold, but if that’s your thing then who am I to kinkshame?) I just filmed myself straining a squat into a Dixie cup to Skrillex, will this be the turning point where I finally become an approved TikTok influencer? (There's a lot more vapid shit you could be putting out into the ether than literal shit.)
It's just sickening how Ellen normalized a sociopathic oligarch who deserves to swap his luxury box with the fucking Hague. (Yeah, but they need to make space for every Doordash and Tik Tok ad executive first.)
Word of the Week:
Merzbow n. Play in the womb to endow your fetus with avant garde musical tastes and really bad tinnitus! Why doesn’t my headphone dongle work. Why aren’t my midterms exceeding the C average. Why am I never not a fuckup in one fucking thing. Why are my podcasts and playlists skipping harder than an interstate vagrant on bath salts. Why is the SKIPPING FUCKING preventing ANYTHING from fucking working ONE FUCKĨNG thinĝ WǬRKINĞ iǹ thiş líḟȇ FƯCKǏNG damn it ḠOD lȩṥś existence in this
FUCKING FǑRŠĄKEN SKIP FUCKȈNG with NO FUCKING COHESIVE FORMAT TO FUCKING ANYTHING FUCKING HATE THESE EARBUDS FUCKING HATE MYSELF FUCKING TIMES 850 FUCKING SQUARE KNOT 8.5 INCHES FUCKING 850 CCs of BLOOD FROM CAROTID TO DRYWALL FUCKING 1997 TOYOTA CAMRY XLE IN RUSTIC SUNFIRE RED PEARL IN THIS
̓̒̚ ͋̆ ̽̍ ̓ ̉ ̐ ̐ ́ ͋͆͗͗ ͐͛ ̍͑̑ ͋ ͌̄͒ ̾̊̏ ͊ ̄̓ ̽͛̔ ͛͊ ̆ ̊̋ ͋̈́ ̔͊ ̽̓ ́̑̿͆ ͐ ͋̅ ̃̃ ̎̐̆ ̍̐̋ ́ ̈͐̇̅ ̶̩̲̱͇̅͝ ̤̮̜̒ ̡ ̂ ͚̥K ̵̀̕ ͔̪͚ ̓ ͝ ̶ ̄͠I̸̷̡͈̪͚̓ ̆̅͑ ̡̟̮̖͂̒͘ ̾̎N̶ ̸̢͙̘̳̄ ̣ ͍̤͇̔ ͜ ̪̲͆̆́G ̴̒ ̬̞̩͌̎ ̷̢ 2k96mSAn 8xacdg̴͑̏ ̡̘͓͍͗ ̡̙F ̴̫͛͘ U̶͚̟̞͌ ̛ ̈̈́C̸ ̼͙̞̳ ͉͍̤ ͕ ͓͔̼ ̳̻ ̜ ̫͚͔ ̝̩ ̯͉̼̖ ̱̦ͅ ͉̗̺ ̜͙ ͕͔̻ ̜͍̻ ̮ ̄͗̓͂
Columbus Day: The Celebs Weigh In
(How fucking DARE you shame a good man for realizing his dreams through his life choices, ones that OBJECTIVELY enable him to run faster in this bitch.) I can’t get over living without my buddy Jeff. Two months ago and it feels like we up to our fun island shenanigans yesterday. No amount of xxxtentacion Homer Simpson AMVs will ever be enough to ease the pain... (Listen pal, I feel you to my core, I truly fucking do. Losing my second family dog two years ago was one hell of a motherfucking gut punch to the serotonins and the GABAs and the feels. No shortage of ugly closet sobs and violent self-loathing face slap outbursts after that. I still miss that lovable cherubic pup as you miss yours, but you gotta accept circumstance! Smile because it happened! Be like the press in the face of a sex scandal implicating two presidents and move on!)
Chadvice Will wearing my "I'm sorry, are YOU offended?" graphic tee with a Deadpool picture be enough to ward off any potential muggers or bullies in the 25 minute Henry's Diner line?
(Fuck yes, are you kidding me? That is some nuclear ICBM threat level DEFCON 9 deterrent shit right there. What soy-chugging psuedo hardbod snowflake is ever gonna muster the gall to trifle a true thinking man who admires mature, transgressive, R-rated kino like Deadpool? I'm hyperventilating quaking in my Pumas at the thought of it. Maybe it's that or the Celexa taper withdrawals, I dunno. I do know that anchoring your psyche to material pursuits and the latest 27th reimagining of some overrated IP is way easier to maintain than a personality.)
Spare a hug! (and some working earbuds!) Wednesdays @ 7:45p.m. Livingston Student Center Room 109
Wednesday, October 16th, 2019
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PAGE A7
“Hey Siri, google how to clean blood stains from velour suit jacket.�
Obey The Scarlet Knight :)
A Message from the Scarlet Knight
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To Be Read on the Toilet While You Poop
Falling in Love with a Customer Support Representative via Live Chat By: Throbbin Williams
Local Listings and Great Finds Starting underground bare knuckle boxing ring. Looking for violent psychopaths to beat the shit out of me. Meeting wednesdays behind hardenburg. Snacks will be provided by my mom. Contact: zfox23@gmail.com
Selling fully sentient Volkswagen bug. We got into a huge fight when I spilled a Big Gulp between the seat and center console. In great shape otherwise. Contact: elizabethwarren@aol.com
Missing cat. I think a cat would help me find what I'm missing. Something to take care of but isn't so high maintenance. Like a succulent. Contact: futurecathoarder@gmail.com
High-ku
My phone stays silent A gentle buzz, nothing else Spam email again
Rep: Hi :) Thanks for contacting Wells Fargo customer support! My name is David, how can I help you? Me: Wow! So inviting. I like your vibe aha Rep: How can I help you? Me: I'm having some trouble accessing my account. I think I'm locked out. Rep: I'm sorry to hear that! Can I please have your first and last name to look you up. Me: My name is Throbbin Williams if you're looking me up on Facebook, but I'm on instagram as throbbinxobigboy. Rep: Looking you up in the system. Me: Oh sorry lol Rep: No worries :) LOL Me: You're such a sweetie Rep: Ok I'm seeing 47 failed login attempts from a computer in a public library in Oregon, does that sound correct? Me: I'm really bad at remembering my password XD Rep: We can get it reset for you very quickly, I just need to get some information from you. Can we start with your mother's maiden name? Me: It's Clark. She's such a sweet woman. Do you get along with your mom? Rep: And what street did you grow up on? Me: Chestnut Drive. It's a really quaint culdesac in a heavily wooded area. Beautiful in the fall! Rep: Nice! We can now move along to resetting your password. Me: Ok lets do something I can remember easily. David+Throbbin. Rep: I think you need to pick something more secure. You shouldn't include your name, and should add at least one number. Me: Wow, thanks for looking out for me :) it means a lot. Lets try DaviddivaD_69_<3 Rep: Your password has been reset! Me: Great! Thanks! I'll save it to this library computer I use just in case. Rep: I strongly reccomend against that! Keep your password secure and private. Me: You're so kind and caring David. I'm really appreciative of the time we've spent together. I'd like to take you out for a drink some time if you'd like. Are you close to me? Rep: I am located in India. Me: I'll start looking at flights :) are you free this weekend? Wells Fargo customer support has disconnected from the chat.
October 16th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.submissions@ gmail.com PORTS
ADAM SILVER PAID LIFETIME SUPPLY OF WONTONS TO SIDE WITH CHINA
YUM YUM IN MY TUM TUM Enjoy the wontons you filth BY HARRY NUTTSACC
The National Basketball Association has become embroiled in an international dispute after Houston Rockets’ GM Daryl SHANGHAI –
Morey tweeted in support of Hong Kong and its protestors. The NBA has built an indelible relationship with China, as a recent statistic pointed out that 500 million Chinese fans watched at least one basketball game last
season. China, known for its rich history, it’s amazing food, and the occasional ethnic cleansing of Muslim and other minority populations, was offended by Morey’s tweet. As a result, NBA Commissioner, and overall cue ball, Adam Silver, publicly sent out a statement that the NBA values its relationship with the Chinese citizens (and their very much suffering factions). Understandably, many players and coaches are being held accountable as a result of poor administrative dealings. During the preseason, Adam Silver had a tense meeting with many NBA players, most notably Lebron James. During the meeting, Silver was quoted as being, “a UChicago lawyer mofu**a”. To qualm players’ fears, Silver promised to personally talk to dictator, I mean, President Xi regarding the situation. However, the Medium team has received some insider information regarding Adam Silver’s comments. Apparently, given Adam Silver looks like an
emaciated Benjamin Button, a local wonton joint, Hangzhou Xiao, promised the commissioner a lifetime supply of wontons for him and his family. The owner of the restaurant happily agreed to the terms and conditions only after a man dressed up in a Yao Ming jersey threatened to make wontons out of his family. With much of the media comparing Silver to yet another Chinese pawn, Silver made yet another public appearance, this time looking more robotic and sounding like a man from the Orient. He said, “China is great. It make me money. It make me happy”. Hong Kong has been ensnared in a series of protests for the past couple of months. With hundreds of people harmed and possibly killed, the protests seem to only pick up steam. Hey, at least one man got his fair share of wontons just for a couple million people to lose their loved ones. #FreeHongKong
WNBA Championshiop By the Numbers
Ten Things Longer Than 1 Passing Yard BY FLICK BOOGER
1 1.00000000000000001 yards
6 Your friendly dildo
2
7
Mandingo's cock, prob
8
The cumstain on your sheets
4
9 Your $40 hydroflask
3.1 feet
leg you got from that frat house
missed 3 pointers, just shy of the record of 501
20
1
People who actually ended up attending the game
THE WHITE LINE
40
10 The
bathroom line Rolling Loud
at
500
TV sets tuned into watch the game
A 5.2 year old
3
5 That random scar on your
10
agonizing minutes waiting for someone to actually dunk the ball
Attending to Dictators SINCE 1970
Champion, the Washington Mystics after a "grueling" season
1
Hearty congratulations from the Medium Production Team