This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 30TH, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ THE REAL SCARY PART IS THE LITIGATION
DEMON FAILS TO APPEAR: CLAIMS PERFORMANCE ANXIETY DICK VEINEY ALMOST TOO VEINEY
In a pending lawsuit against Z’Heek Th’Naar, Destroyer of the Cosmic Veil, Seventh Son of the Seventh Son of the Seventh Son of the Monstrous Galaxy Consumer, R’oraith, a group of five college students claim he failed to appear when they summoned him, resulting in damages. Damages listed include: loss of credibility, failure of simultaneous group arousal that would have “inevitably” led to an orgy, and about $30 worth of fines from the university’s library where they obtained the book with the necessary information for a summoning. In response, Z’Heek Th’Naar’s representative has released a statement claiming the demon had “severe performance anxiety” that resulted in “crippling insecurity”
HAPPENS TO ALOT OF GUYS, I GET IT lol jk, what a poser.
about whether or not he could “adequately perform [...] duties including [...] actions intended to terrorize and mutilate”. Furthermore, the statement asserts that Th’Naar was “under no obligation to appear” as he had “other souls that he was overseeing the torment of."
Having reached out to both sides for their stories, the college students’ lawyer sent back a notice that, due to legal reasons, the students were not available for contact. However, a three minute search of one of the students’ Twitter’s revealed additional informational. A few of these Continued on Page 2
I REALLY HOPE THIS DOESN'T AWAKEN ANYTHING IN ME
SERIAL KILLERS ANNOUNCE PRIDE PARADE FOR HALLOWEEN HARRY NUTTSACC NEVER HAIRY ENOUGH
The Association of Serial Killers, or A.S.K., have announced that they are planning some awesome festivities for Halloween night! A.S.K. is an amazing group that welcomes any person that has committed three or more murders, regardless of race, color, or creed, but for however noble they are, they have started to get jealous of other groups that are getting social recognition. When he saw that even Christopher Columbus, perpetrator of mass genocide, was able to get a parade, David Berkowitz, better known as the Son of Sam and the President of A.S.K., figured serial killers could finally get the recognition they deserve. In a declaration posted to A.S.K.'s
THEY'RE HERE, THEY'RE SEXY, AND THEY KILL I WOULDN'T EAT THEIR CANDY
website, Berkowitz announced, "We serial killers have been stigmatized for a long time now, probably since Jack the Ripper was kickin' it old school, and it's time that we come out of the closet and get recognized. To quote the great Ted Bundy: 'We serial killers are
your sons, we are your husbands, we are everywhere,' and it's time that you see us for who we are, loving and caring members of your community. So, in the spirit of Halloween (get it, spirit?) we're gonna be holding A.S.K.'s First Continued on Page 2
Trick AND Treating Since 1970
QUICKIES
The Medium's Horny Halloween! Let's Face it, There Would be ALOT More Racist Ghosts Dracula Too Sexy??? 3000 Year Old Mummy Offedned by Pharaoh Costumes Gillette Drops Line of Chocolate Razor Wafers Flying Dutchman Takes DNA Test, Finds Out He's Norwegian Justin Trudeau Not at Liberty to Disclose Halloween Costume Is Your Friend A Furry Or Just Goes Way Too Hard on Halloween
the Medium
NEWS
"I'M GONNA MONSTER YOUR MASH"
WE'VE ALL GOT DEMONS EVERYONE'S AN EXPERT
worried about appearing and not being taken seriously as, in recent years, humans have seemed to not only not be able to recognize demons among them but, in fact, they applauded, idolized, and even elected a particular one to very high political office. That was all that was able to be translated before the paper exploded and burned the intern who had been holding it to death. As of now there are no further updates about the situation, but in comparison to the severity of the recent legal issues being brought to light surrounding the previously mentioned demon, it is likely this case will be settled out of court.
MORE LIKE HORNYWEED AM I RIGHT???
MAN ACCIDENTALLY FORMS MAID HAREM ON HALLOWEEN HEYWOOD JABLOMI I WAS JUST INVESTIGATING, I SWEAR
BOO! HA HA GET FUCKED! GET IN ON NEXT WEEK'S SPOOK BY COMING TO THE PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 109 IN THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER @7:40
Fall 2019
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
A LONG TIME COMING ...continued from front
tweets are included below. "Trying to summon a demon on Halloween night. Can I get even more #WhitegirlWasted? #[Demonemoji]" "Using my roomates’ mirror cause this ritual says we gotta break it at the end #Sorrynotsorry" "Um, I think I’m getting ghosted by a fucking demon. Can this night be any worse? #FuckyouChad #Didn’tknowdem onswerefuckboystoo" A burning scroll inscribed with black, smoldering marks appeared on the editor’s desk earlier this week, presumably from Z’Heek Th’Naar’s representative. It stated that Z’Heek Th’Naar had
Editorial Staff
Wednesday, Oct. 30rd, 2019
Editor-in-Chief Zachary Fox Managing Editor Vickram Singh Business Manager Shaina Joseph Mascot Long-Island Medium
MAKE YOUR DONATION
...continued from front
Annual Halloween Parade!" Later in the same statement, Berkowitz said that the parade is going to take place right here in New Brunswick, which Berkowitz calls "the epitome of murder: filthy, grimy, and way too much violence for a college campus. Nowhere in this country will you find a better home for serial killer pride." The parade route will follow George Street from Ryders Lane all the way to Campbell Hall. Despite knowing exactly where the parade is going to take place, RUPD has stated that they "have no clue how [they] could possibly catch these serial killers. The investigation will probably take
two to three years." Berkowitz and twenty-eight other known serial killers have broken out of prison in preparation for the festivities, and we here at The Medium are very excited to welcome them to Rutgers (because they might put us out of our misery)!
It may not be Halloween until tomorrow, but there were plenty of parties over the past weekend trying to get a head start on the festivities. College Avenue was the hotbed, but our story starts in the Livingston B Apartment Building, the first party attended by our hero on Friday night. Johnny Scott, commonly described as the whitest dude in his suite, decided to dress up as a generic anime protagonist, and so bought a silver wig from a thrift shop for his costume. “It’s the weirdest thing,” Scott said. “The woman running the shop kept telling me to buy this specific wig, and eventually I did, but when I went back the next day looking for the right shirt, it had closed down.” The wig, as it turns out, had a charm placed on it that made Johnny subtly yet universally attractive to anyone wearing a maid costume, regardless of gender or orientation. Two young freshman girls who’d dressed in matching maid outfits found themselves leaving their butler friend to talk to Johnny, to his complete surprise. “No one talks to me at parties,” he said. “Let alone random underclassmen. I did my best to keep them entertained, but I’m really not that good at talking to people I don’t know.” It only got weirder from there: he spent an hour at that party and by the time he was ready to go, four girls and a guy, all dressed like maids, were hovering around him, all trying to
talk over each other. “Honestly, it was exhausting. A one-on-one talk is fine by me, but having to keep a conversation with five people while you’re the focus and they’re fighting for your attention is way too much for me.” He decided he had enough after that and decided to meet up with a friend on College Avenue. The maids all followed him, crowding onto an LX bus and drawing the attention of quite a few passengers. “On the plus side, we made ratio no problem once we made it to the party, especially since our guy was a pretty convincing crossdresser. I was hoping they’d disperse once we arrived, but…” As it turns out, maids were in vogue this year, and Johnny found his crowd quickly growing around him. Maids left their dates, friends, and even came in off the street, all attracted by his mysterious wig. He lasted another half hour surrounded by no less than a dozen maids before sneaking off to climb out the bathroom window. Most of the maids dispersed after his disappearance, but we did find one for comment, a young lady named Jodie Johnson: “Yeah, he’s not my type at all, but you see a group of maids hanging around, you gotta join in. I couldn’t help it.” Unable to return the wig, Johnny donated it to The Medium, where it’s kept safely in our production room.
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to all the pimps around the world.
Wednesday, October 30th, 2019 themedium.submissions@gmail.com
“They call this dick spooky cuz it’s bent at a weird angle.”
SMELL MY FEET OR GO TO JAIL
Top Five Tricks to Pull on People With no Treats By Anonymous Salty Preteen
the Medium
FEATURES
Don’tcha just hate it when you walk all the way up to someone’s house and they don’t got any candy? Like what the hell? Don’t they know the rules? Egging and spray-painting people’s houses isn’t teaching anyone a lesson, apparently, so it’s time to go a step further. Here’s what we’re doing this year to make sure they never forget the candy again. 1. Wait for them to fall asleep, and turn on their hoses real quiet. Run them up a water bill they’ll never forget, and if they’ve got a garden, flood it. Shit in their rose bushes too, just for fun. 2. Throw a rock through their window. Yeah, it’s not creative or cunning, but no one wants a rock thrown through their window. Attach some candy to it to drive the message home. If you’re extra mad about it, wait for them to fix it, and as soon as they do, throw another one through. 3. Connect to their bluetooth speakers and play some really obnoxious music. You’ve got two options here: start real quiet and slowly turn it up until they go nuts, or just blast it to wake them all up and get a noise complaint filed. Repeat until they learn how to put a password up. 4. If they’re in a blue neighborhood, put a pro-Trump sign up on their lawn. You’ll get some good social ostracization there. If they’re in a red neighborhood, hang up some pride flags and Black Lives Matter signs. You might just get them threatened or beat up. Serves them right for not having any candy.
OMG I’M TOTALLY GONNA BE A SEXY LX BUS
What Costume From The Medium’s Fall 2019 Collection Should You Wear This Halloween? by P.P. Harding
First letter of your first name First letter of your last name A- sexy B- sexy C- sexy D- sexy E- sexy F- sexy G- sexy H- sexy I- sexy J- sexy K- sexy L- sexy M- sexy N- sexy O- sexy P- sexy Q- sexy R- sexy S- sexy T- sexy U- sexy V- sexy W- sexy X- sexy Y- sexy Z- sexy
A- Archduke Franz Ferdinand B- rock C- goose D- Bernie Sanders E- LX bus F- foot G- sexy slut H- person writing this I- croissant J- pool of cum K- Lord Snip L- photosynthesis M- Israeli-Palestine Conflict N- foreskin O- plague doctor P- college debt Q- leftovers R- Jack Black S- incel T- Joseph Stalin U- unofficial transcript V- alcoholic W- Amish dude X- The Giver Y- hand sanitizer dispenser Z- diseased New Brunswick cat
5. Take a picture of your junk with their phone. Getting them arrested and adding to a few registries oughta teach them a lesson. If you can’t get access to their phone, just call the police and say they invited you
inside.
I PREFER CHERRY
Lemon Sour Patch Kids: First They’re Sour, Then They’re Still Fucking Sour By: Paul Sdeep
I love sour patch kids. I eat them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But one thing I fucking hate is the fucking lemon flavored sour patch kid. That little fucking asshole defeats the whole purpose of sour patch kids!!! First they’re sour, then they’re sweet!!! That’s the rule! But these little fuckers are sour through and through. They are like the candy version of kids with oppositional deficiency disorder!!! I fucking hate them! Not the kids the candy. The company that sells these delicious little bastards better mend this issue and take the lemon flavor out of commission.
VE VANT YOUR JOKES (AND BLOOD)!! COME TO THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS ON VEDNESDAYS FROM 7:40 - 8:45 IN THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 109 ! AH AH AHHHH!
the Medium
Wednesday, Oct. 30th, 2019
"I don't know why we do this."
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
The Medium's
Adventure PART II
We went to exxxotica for purely journalistic purposes. No other reason.
A man who cannot control his cock. Dick-pic of the year award winner.
I've never wanted to be a cage bar so bad in my life.
Some glass blowing anyone?
Wednesday, October 30th, 2019 themedium.submissions@gmail.com
“Get your last licks in before no nut November.”
Who knows how many licks it will take to get to the center of this tootsie pop?
He had to teach her how to do a loli girl pose.
"Took my daughter to Chucky Cheese's. She had a great time."
the Medium
The peace sign means "fuck me" in Martian.
They had more than one kind of bitch here.
This art will make you cum... to any art gallery.
STAY TUNED FOR OUR EXXXOTICA YOUTUBE VIDEO COMING SOON!!!!
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 30th, 2019
"I hope the new ISIS leader is handsome."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What is the scariest thing you have ever winessed at Rutgers? "“The university doctor who gave me the Meningitis B vaccine spelled ‘meningitis’ as ‘mermagertis’.” Sally Reed Dyslexic
"Yesterday I saw a kid deep throat the water fountain nozzle. I used it anyway and now I have Hepatitis." Samuel Gustav Also has Syphilis "People are still talking about that fucking lobster after like two weeks. The only thing deader than that joke is the lobster itself." Grump Oldman Lives inside of me and has opinions HALLOWEEN IS SOCIALISM FOR DIABETICS
I Have a Taste for the Finer Sweets BY RICHIE RICH
Every Halloween, mother and father always make sure Jeeves picks out the finest chocolate that money can buy (To'ak Brand, $260 a bar) for their little sweetheart (that's me). For all those gross peasants that come to our house, though, looking for handouts like street denizens, Jeeves gets the lowest of the lowest, Godiva. Suck on that you filthy plebeians! But those idiots love it! They always run away from the mansion door with glee on their faces, skipping back to their parents to show them their measly "earnings." Why are they all so happy? How can they be so poor yet remain so upbeat, despite being the lowest of the low? I turn to ask mother and father about these dirty children, but they have gone out for the night again, leaving me alone with Jeeves, the nanny Beatrice, and the other thirty members of the staff, all of whom are explicitly forbidden from addressing us. Is this why these children remain so happy? Because they have mothers and fathers, "moms and dads," that love and care for them? But they are so incredibly poor! Do my bags of money, my fat bank account, people waiting on me hand and foot actually make me happy? I suppose so. Maybe.
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
THIS EVENT 18+ ABOUT 30 YEARS
There were A LOT of Middle Aged Couples at Exxxotica BY ME, THE OPINIONS EDITOR
Listen, I don’t have a problem with people of any age exploring their sexuality. Whether solo or with a partner, everybody deserves to live out their fantasies, regardless of how they may look in the eyes of God. Ultimately, these people, no matter how much they remind me of my parents, are human beings just like me, and a quick look at my internet history will reveal that I am no one to judge. In a way, I’m proud of them for having the courage to go to an event like Exxxotica despite the stigma surrounding it and porn in general. If anything, we should look to them as a shining example of the lengths we should be willing to go to in order to keep the spark alive in our love lives. However, I cannot tell you how many visibly uncomfortable wives and girlfriends I saw at Exxxotica. There were so many poor women who were dragged there by their husbands and boyfriends just so they could watch them ogle at porn stars in person instead of on the internet. Have you ever seen a grown woman be forced to take a picture of her husband as he feels up a girl wearing nothing but a thong and pasties on her nipples? Imagine having to do that knowing that not only will you never be that sexually attractive, but that in your prime you never even came close. What do people do with those photos, by the way? Post them on Facebook? I’d love to see Grandma comment on that. I DON'T CARE IF THIS DOESN'T FIT MY FORMAT
The Medium's Official Candy Tier List ALSO BY ME, THE OPINIONS EDITOR
Almond Joy: Shit tier. If you like these, or anything else that has shredded coconut in it, you’re subhuman. No exceptions. You’re basically eating a chocolate coated hair ball. If I see you eating one of these in public, I’m going to hit you with my car. Dum Dums: Low tier. While there’s nothing necessarily wrong with them, they don’t do anything to innovate on the general lollipop formula to make them stand out as anything special. Their small size would be a bonus, but the stick prevents you from eating them by the handful. Disappointing across the board. Kit Kats: Mid tier. Overall a very solid candy bar. The chocolate is pretty standard but the texture is really improved by the wafer cookies in the middle. Their comparative blandness really helps to highlight the sweetness of the chocolate, but that doesn’t stop the bar from being pretty one-note as a whole. Snickers: High tier. A classic. This candy bar takes a lot of risks by stuffing in so many different ingredients, but executes on its premise perfectly, with nothing feeling superfluous as a result. If this candy were a Pokemon, it would be the final evolution of 3 Musketeers, with a Milky Way bar as the middle evolution. Candy Corn: God tier. Fuck you. I write the paper. I don’t need to justify anything to you people. Eat shit and die.
Wednesday, October 30h, 2019
themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPOOOKIEST THING EVER When plan A fails..... by Penny Trater
DON'T BE LIKE STICK BOIIIIII
ARTS
“Don't paint your pumpkin, eat it!”
..WITH A HOT PINK STRAP-ON Peg-a-dude by Penny Trater
the Medium
the Medium SPOOKS Is ectoplasm ghost cum? (That would explain how my Size 12 Hanes mysteriously moved from my drawer to the closet.) My wife left me. How do I get her to come back in a SPOOKY way?? (Vindictive text diatribes blaming everyone but yourself should be sufficiently fucking spooky when all else fails.)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, October 30th, 2019
"Hideo Kojima makes me so hard can't wait for death stranding in november oh god oh fuck i might cum a little" themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SCARES
SEXY COSTUMES
How do I put these razor blades in these chocolate bars without it being obvious? (Why do wanna go through that much effort to make kids suffer when you could just order a bulk 36 pack of Almond Joys for $22.38 off Amazon? In a few swift clicks YOU can perpetuate big gross cocunut oil confection, big Daddy Bezos, AND big I.C.E. child caging!)
How *exactly* do I dress up as a sexy foot?
Please help me, I have 20 I've been lost in the Coltabs open on my phone and lege Ave Gym for several 16 of them are TV Tropes, months now, how do I get how do I escape? back to your dimension? (You don't. No escape can (Check the Rutgers App for be found here. Your ances- Bus ETAs. Be wary of falltors have left you destitute, ing into the X78 Weekend 1 born to die in your pithy tis- Chitauri Realm though.) sue penitentiary, perpetually sprinting down your little Do people still bob for apfutile treadmill of fleeting ples? The fuck was that all endorphins and ephemer- about? al pleasures, resigned to a (Don't fucking know man. listless, disjointed cycle of Never got it either. Shit mixshitting, pissing, and read- es to teeth like piss drops to ing the WMG pages for ev- gray sweatpants. Who fuckery season of Bojack Horse- ing enjoys that waxy ass man.) texture unironically?)
Word of the Week:
Euthanasia n. White Lab Privilege LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET, CONSECTETUR ADIPISCING ELIT. NULLA SOLLICITUDIN TEMPOR LIBERO EGET LUCTUS. NAM FERMENTUM METUS SIT AMET MOLLIS VESTIBULUM. DUIS RUTRUM AC TORTOR NON FACILISIS. MAECENAS ULLAMCORPER. PURUS EGET PORTA CONSECTETUR, PURUS TURPIS PORTA NISI DIGNISSIM.
METHOD ACTING: CELEBS WEIGH IN
(Refer to fourth section.) My roommate is so sexy in his costume what do I do? (Mutually write the terms and conditions of a sexual tryst pact over the next semester and a half. Consensually. Non binding. Noncommittal. As friends. Good times. No long times. All in all nothing serious, maybe just raise a kid or pet or two and attend the funeral of whomever dies first, respectively. As a bit.) I fucking hate the Cars franchise. (Even so, you wouldn't love to hate fuck your ex on a used 3D Lightning McQueen convertible twin? Have the doting bug eyes of Chick Hicks and The King enthusiastically bare witness to both of your backs getting blown out in ecstatic awe? All the while you yourself gaze upon that BBW Tow Mater lift in awe, pondering deep existential questions abou the nature of car reproduction and car evolution and car Genghis Khan? No? Just me?)
SENSUAL HAUNTS The average American has 7.2 sexual partners over their lifetime. With that knowledge in mind, what's the .2 that's turned YOU on, Mister Personals Man?!?! (Loved this one Bumble date's feet. Could've spent all day feeling up those bunions, languishing in the nirvanic, accented fungal scents of her toe crevices. Recalled some black necrotic gangrenous shit in those pores, but rotting or not, they were big enough to accomodate the goods... The rest though? Fucking unbearable man. Carbon cutout homely face, normie ass Tinder bio bullshit about the ffice and Lizzo and pumpkin spice lattes for the season! I'm embarrased to admit it, but she even had a GOOD relationship with her parents. Ghoulish fucking shit....)
YOUR AD (AND FUNNY TOPICAL HOLIDAY JOKES) HERE Wednesdays @ 7:45p.m. Livingston Student Center Room 109
October 30th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.submissions@ gmail.com CORKS?
BROKEN HEADSTONES THOUGHT TO BE VANDALISM – TURNS OUT IT WAS JUST A FRIENDLY GAME OF CEMETERY FOOTBALL
MONSTER MASH It was a graveyard smash BY FLICK BOOGER
SHANGHAI – As thousands
flocked to the New England states to witness the autumnal colors unfold before their eyes, the synonymous-with-Halloween-
town of Salem awoke to a terrible scene on Sunday morning. As people went to go visit their loved ones who were pleasantly rotting in the ground (and seemed OK with it), what they found absolutely appalling were
the numerous headstones that were either cracked or completely broken off. With many citing teenage vandals as the cause, they were also concerned that they had just lost approximately $4,000 for a broken piece of rock. As a result, the town was put on high alert, and the police were out and about looking for the suspects. Given that there had been no leads, the police decided to shut the case down. However, they had stumbled upon a stroke of luck as they happened to see Grant Wilson, known for his TV show “Ghost Hunters” at the cemetery site. At the time, Wilson was checking his infrared cameras and appeared to be enjoying a laugh. With the police inquiring what he was looking at, Wilson promised that he found the culprits to the Sunday happenings. There was one catch, however. The police were to pay Wilson and his team of ghostbusters a hefty fine of $30,000. After doing so, Wilson rolled the tapes. What the police saw blew their minds.
At approximately 1 AM on Sunday morning, there seemed to be a disturbance in this dimension that we humans call home. Approximately 30 ghosts from the cemetery seemed to rise up out of their graves and assemble into two teams for a game of football. For the dead, their version of football resembled the onceinnocuous and now-millennial triggered game of Cowboys and Indians. Tossing an actual pig, the ghosts played a game of football yelled out racial slurs which we simply cannot print at this point in time, and destroyed a couple of headstones. There were no witnesses to this spectacle, except for Wilson’s cameras that he sets up at the cemetery every time near Halloween. Upon hearing the news that a bunch of silly spirits wrecked the cemetery, all their loved ones were happy that they still crave a bit of fun now and then. However, they were even happier and borderline relieved when they crawled back into their graves and rotted some more.
First Week of NBA Season By the Numbers
Ten Things To Know About Zion's Injury BY FLICK BOOGER
1 Pelicans suck without him
2 They’re always so close
3 Ingram and Ball can’t finish
4
He cried tears of lead
5
Still a better player than 75% of current players
6 J a Morant thinks he will win ROY
7
33
Tantrums thrown by James Harden
Games that the Pelicans will probably lose without Zion Williamson
20
14
He still gets paid a boat
8 He will have a bigger limp
9
Outbursts by Stephen A. Smith on Lebron James' style of play
Everyone will go for the knees
10
The doctors are risking THEIR lives for this
10
69
Hookers Lou Williams invited to his bachelor pad after Clippers' win over LA
Pooping from our peepee SINCE 1970
Times Magic Johnson met Jeanie Buss for a "private" (sex) meeting
1
Person named Adam Silver still appeasing to the Chinese government.