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JAN. 30tH, 2019
Volume LVII Issue I 50¢ A SWIPE OF FATE?
TWO MILLENIALS WHO ACCIDENTALLY SWIPED RIGHT WITHOUT BEING ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER GET MARRIED NIFTY KNITTER A QUICK KNIT
NEW BRUNSWICK— It was pure accident, against both of their intentions. After Allie Martin and Paul Dorner laid eyes on each other’s profile pictures in the app Tinder, they immediately knew they were wrong for each other. “He’s not my type, his profession says entertainer and his favorite song is Mr. Brightside,” Allie explained. “She’s a blonde and she likes the outdoors. I mean she’s standing on a mountain in her profile picture” Paul lamented. There is no way it should have worked out. But late one night as Allie was perusing the app for the next person to be her short-term significant other, her thumb went lazy. As she dragged her
A MATCH MADE IN THE INTERNET Swept their way to the aisle.
finger leftward across Paul’s face, something went wrong. At first she didn’t notice the fatal error, until a few seconds after accidentally swiping right on Paul, their pictures both jumped on the screen. At the very
moment Paul’s picture surfaced on Allie’s screen, her picture appeared on his phone. Paul was taking his daily nighttime bowel movement which meant he was on his phone doing his daily cutie hunt. He allotted Continued on Page 2
A HAIR TOO CLOSE...
LOCAL MAN SHAVES OFF FACIAL TISSUE TO PERMANENTLY BOYCOTT GILLETTE MANUEL C. HODE SHORT BUT SWEET
PEMBERTON— For nearly three weeks, the internet has been responding with uproarious fervor toa controversial Gillette razor commercial. The short, which has garnered over 26 million views and 1.2 million dislikes on YouTube, addresses social issues such as masculinity, bullying, sexual harassment, and the #MeToo movement, but not all are happy with it’s commentary, which has spurred negative backlash and boycott across the country. Recently, an area man has gone above and beyond with his own drastic form of protest. Clevon Delmont-Beau is a
THIS MAN HAS SHARP CONVICTIONS No shadow at any hour.
47-year old part-time welder and chronic opiate user, fulltime Facebook philosopher, and proud red-blooded Catholic family values man whom was
simply appalled at the content of the advert. I was able to catch up with him at a nearby Level 1 trauma center, where Continued on Page 2
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SICK BURN DUDE
FREEHOLD— A bitter lunchtime altercation took place Tuesday between seventh graders Connor Pugh, 13, and Dylan Hua, 13, when a routine round of riffing went sour. Sources report the two middle schoolers often exchange insulting facts and opinions about everything from family members to preferred video game walkthrough channels over PB & Nutella’s, all in the name of spirited debate. However, this week’s jabs ended in wounded egos and extended detention rather than the intellectual and brotherly discourse onlookers have come to expect from the boys’ period 4B lunch table. At 12:18 PM, Dylan was feeling mean after Connor called Minecraft’s new compost heap functionality
“stupid,” and “useless,” knowing full well that Dylan’s family is very environmentally conscious and has been keeping their compost heap for over 12 years. Incensed, Dylan hit Connor where it hurts, clapping back: “yo mama so ugly, she walked around the block six times and won the Kentucky Derby.” Connor was initially confused because he didn’t know the Kentucky Derby was a horse race. After Dylan explained he was comparing Connor’s mom to a thoroughbred horse, Connor countered, positing Dylan “should have used the word ‘equine’ if he was trying to refer to something horse-like.” Dylan patiently explained that he wasn’t comparing Mrs. Pugh to an actual horse, he was just implying she was ugly.
TOTAL E CLICK OF THE HEART WHAT IS LOVE...? a third of his nighttime poop session to swiping on tinder in case the girl of his dreams were to be found. Given that he swiped one handed on the toilet, he didn’t have all of the thumb strength he normally would and accidentally swiped right on Allie even though she didn’t meet his unique taste. At that moment, their fates were sealed. They both thought it would be rude to leave the other hanging because obviously the other person was into them. They waited for the other person to start the conversation. It was agonizing. Finally, an hour later, Paul messaged first. He typed “so what brings you here ;)” out of pure courtesy. Allie debated whether or not she should
...continued from front
respond. After five minutes, she answered “I was going to ask the same thing.” The rest is history. They felt obliged to respond back and forth until the other suddenly stopped responding, but neither stopped responding. Not when Allie suggested they go for coffee, nor when Paul later suggested they exchange numbers. Eight months later they were married. Before we finished the interview, Paul gave one more comment, “I mean it’s so easy. One moment you’re just looking for a good time and you accidentally click the wrong button and all of a sudden you’re married.” Depending how you look at it, this can be a cautionary tale or a love story.
Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Managing Editor Dan Cretella Business Manager Shaina Joseph Spring 2019 Mascot Lady Polecats
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THE BEST A MAN CAN GET?
AREA MAMA SO UGLY SHE WALKED AROUND THE BLOCK 6 TIMES AND WON THE KENTUCKY DERBY THOT JOPLIN HISTORIC MISSOURIAN
Wednesday, January 30th, 2019
MASCULINITY IS MORE THAN SKIN DEEP ...continued from front
he delivered slurred retorts through two rolls of gauze tape, 300 milligrams of morphine, 4000 milligrams of amoxicillin, and eight bags of IV plasma transfusion. “Couldn’t just stand idly by and watch those Marxist libtard cuck pansies indoctrinate our fucking children.” Beau was dismayed at Gillette’s seeming obliviousness to the consumer response, but one day, inspiration struck: what if the ultimate statement to boycott Gillette was never needing to buy their products in the first place? “Tried to ask the doc here to put me under and do it clean, flat out booted me, can you fucking believe that? Spineless beta sheeple, had the most sanctimonial goddamn selfsatisfied smirks on their faces, must be all the flouride in those venti soy lattes.” It took some time contemplating the 90-tooth circular saw, 18-volt power drill, and the Gerber Bear Grylls Survival Knife in his garage, but after a quick Walmart run, he decided to settle with a Dorco Pace 6. “Wasn’t the cleanest shave by no means, but can’t go wrong with six blades and one-stroke technology. Almost second guessed doin’ it an hour in, but honestly wasn’t so bad after I got through the nerve sinew.”
Indeed it was not. Fueled by Jack Daniels, percocet, and pure spite, Beau shaved off the entire epidermal layers of his face over four arduous hours, while his wife Violet-Sheridan had custody of the kids. “Wanted to surprise her, MagnoliaGeorgina, and Elrod-Bucephalus after his confirmation, make a good example of following God’s preordained will by takin no shit from nobody. ‘Stead the fucking thanks I get when I wake up is two EMTs hauling my ass through another one of her shrill naggy tirades and Elrod’s teary screechin, whiny little bitch.” Before being found unconscious in a pool of his own congealed flesh, blood, vomit, feces, and Skoal Long Cut, Mr. Beau managed to whittle down to the spindly fibers of his 20odd facial muscles, paralzying only the left side of his face in the process. Despite the severe selfinflicted facial trauma sustained, Mr. Beau seemed remarkably optimistic. “Some might see this disfigurement as a self-imposed curse, a malformed blight of a deranged masochistic society, but I see it as a blessing, a 27 K blessing on Patreon. Now, the free market’s correcting itself, and now my lidless eyes can gaze upon my beautiful baby girl and boy in the eye whenever they please.”
Dear reader, If you are reading this, hello. If not, goodbye. Either way, you look like a funny individual. Come write, pitch, draw or hang with us Wednesdays at 7:45 in the Livi Student Center in room 109 for our Pitch Meetings. Why, you ask... You will just have to come and find out for yourself.
News Editors Zoe Sifnakis Marissa Schwartz Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Mike Celletti Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
Sports Editor Advait Suvarnakar Copy Editors Samuel Hammer Vickram Singh Secretary Marissa Schwartz Webmaster Max Broggi-Sumner Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Sprong Bronkers
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in the Livingston Student Center. This issue is dedicated to your leftover hairs from your head that you find on yourself later
Wednesday, January 30th, 2019 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
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DANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANA
If Each Rutgers Bus Was a Music Genre, Which Would It Be? By Girl Who Likes Brower
Did you ever wonder what each Rutgers bus would be if it were a genre of music? Because that’s pretty weird. I don’t really know why you’d be thinking something like that; but either way, we have! So, we did a survey and culminated the answers of hundred of Rutgers students. Here’s how they voted: A = Jazz. B = Classical. C = Chill Ambient. EE = R&B F = Country. H = Zzaj. LX = Pop. New Brunsquick 1 = [insert hipster genre here] New Brunsquick 2 = [insert second hipster genre here] REXB = Folk. REXL = Alternative Rock. Weekend 1 = Hardcore punk. Weekend 2 = Death Metal.
Top 5 Ways to Avoid Interactions on the Bus By Dick Hurtz and P. P. Harding The scenario is simple: across the bus you are spotted by an acquaintance. You barely know this person, but now they are barreling toward you to start a conversation that you could not possibly be bothered to have. Here are some ways to get out of this situation: 1) Pretend you’re sick. This one’s easy, and you can make it your own. Start coughing uncontrollably or pour ketchup into your hands and act like you have the plague. Whatever it takes. 2) As they approach, maintain eye contact and sensually lick your fingers. Like really get in there. Polish those fingies until they shine, and everything will be just fine. 3) Sometimes it’s too late and they’re practically on top of you before they start talking. In this situation, it’s time to break out ole’ reliable and ask them if they’ve heard the good word of our lord and savior Jesus Christ. Their itch to socialize will soon dissipate, but if there is still hope in their eyes quickly add “of Latter day saints” for good measure. 4) Kill yourself.
DID YOU KNOW... I PEAKED IN HIGH SCHOOL! FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND OTHER PAINFUL REALIZATIONS I COME TO AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 109 AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM!
THE INSIDE SCOOP
The Process: How We Write These Brilliant, Hysterical, and Sofisticated Articles By Elon Thrust
Yes, you read that headline right. Or maybe you didn’t. If not, you should probably get your sight checked out. It’s written in large black letters, come on. But if you did read that right, then you know it’s your lucky day. Against the wishes of the other editors, I’m telling all readers (if there are any) about the secret formula we use to write every article. I know we seem ingenious in so many different ways, but we actually just use the following simple step-by-step formula. After years of tweaking and perfecting, trial and error, and extreme bloodshed, we have developed the ideal formula for developing articles and writing comedy. It works so well, you may even laugh as you read it! So here you go, the system we use every week to write the paper. If you practice this, you’ll be funny in no time. Make sure you memorize it before the government censors it: Step 1: Completely procrastinate and neglect any useful work until the production meeting. Step 2: Ignore the pitches we made at the Wednesday meeting, rendering the hour we dedicate to that totally ineffectual. Step 3: Sit for 4-5 minutes trying to think of something funny to write about. Step 4: Give up. Step 5: Randomly throw words together on a screen and add curse words and/or phallic references to make it seem funny. Step 6: Show it to other editors and get shit on. Step 7: Pretend like you’re viewing their comments as constructive criticism and only cry on the inside. Step 8: Add a vaguely related picture. Step 9: DO NOT check for spelling errors. Step 10: Repeat 4-6 times until page is completed. And there you have it. The great, consistent, efficient plan we use to write The Medium articles. Feel free to come write for us, or use for your own comedy needs. Here’s an idea of how your future fans will look:
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OPINIONS
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“Siyasa sieth, siyasa shee...”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What Was the Most Memorable Moment of Your Winter Break? “I masturbated for 12 hours straight to make up for the lack of snow last weekend. We got 6 inches at my house.” Carl Tenton pffft, 6 inches? I got snowed in.
“Tying someone up, submerging them in a shallow pond, roasting them over a camp fire, and turning their remains into train food... in red dead redemption 2.” Danielle Filbert Got scared for a second there. “Getting stuck on Skull Island Reign of Kong at Universal for an hour.” Zachary Fox And all I got was 1 express pass. A VERY POLITE OPINION
Well, I Never! BY MARIBELLE SUELLEN
Wednesday, January 30th, 2019
Lord have mercy, never in all my years have I suffered such an indignation! My oh my! When Aunt Bessy told me the news on this here beautiful Georgia mornin’, well I just about gone and done it in right then and there. I do declare that ne’er has such a scandal had the presumptuousness, nay, the GUMPTION to befall mine own sweet little ears. Why, I have half a mind to mosey on down to the plantation this here instant! Bless my heart, the good lord knows I try. But Heaven’s to Betsy! I just do not know how I can carry myself after this. I reckon everyone south of the ol’ Mason Dixon will hear about this one. Lord give me strength! I just can’t bear to tell Maggie, bless her heart. My word! Jesus best take the reins out from my hands before I just about holler up a storm. By God’s good grace, I hope the Lord will see me through this.
POINT: BETA CUCK
Long Obnoxious Staring Should be Illegal BY ROBERT FENDERS
You may know me from my articles advocating for the restriction of free speech because it allows hate speech such as the use of the N-word, or calling someone a beta cuck simply because I let my wife fuck me in the ass every once in a while. Well, this time I am on another mission to protect the feelings and emotions of the oppressed by restricting people of basic rights. This time I am here to raise support for the illegalization of staring at people in a way that makes them feel disrespected. I assume you all know of those racist, fascist, pieces of garbage, who are likely Hitler youth that traveled through a time machine to oppress minorities, not a joke that is my genuine belief. And if you dare think that this is a bit of an overreaction watch the specific 10 seconds of the clip that shows what many rightfully called the face of white patriarchy; stare at a Vietnam veteran, as in he served around the time of Vietnam, with sense of racist bigotry that cannot be tolerated. I don’t give a flying fuck if the kid is 16 years old, he deserves to be roasted on a stick and what I have now coined as racist staring should be completely prohibited by law, and if it is a younger person committing racist staring against an older person the penalty should be death. COUNTER-POINT: PACIFISTIC RACIST
The MAGA Boys Should be Commended for Their Bravery. BY HUNTER BIGSBY
The Covington Catholic boys are a perfect example of how someone should behave when standing up for what they believe. The boys showed no aggression, no sort of violence or obscene language when advocating for a true cause, white male supremacy. These kids proved to the world how superior white men are, especially when it comes to protesting. Now I know members of my protest group, you may know as the KKK, has shown some extreme violence in the past, but we have reformed our approach to racism and sexism, yes some of us KKK members are misogynists too, so you’re not alone. We have found that simply words and now facial expressions can now get our point across without anyone getting hurt, physically of course. We will ultimately prove to the world that white men have always deserved to inherit the earth. Good job Covington boys, for being the lovely pacifistic little racists you are.
Wednesday, January 30th, 2019 themedium.features@gmail.com
ARTS
“My dentist is called Da Vinci Dental Works (really)”
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JESUS VS. JESUS BY LOU SKUNT
WINDY CITY DOTW BY LOU SKUNT
POINTLESS SEQUEL BY LOU SKUNT
ARE YOU AN ART MAJOR AND FINALLY WANT TO PUT YOUR UNWATED SKILLS TO USE? THEN COME DRAW FOR THE MEDIUM! WE MEET EVERY WEDNESDAY AT THE LCS ROOM 109 AT 7:45PM OR AT 19:45 FOR YOU COMMUNISTS. PLEASE BRING YOUR PAINTBRUSH AND CANVAS (NOT REALLY)
PERSONALS
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Roommates
Resolutions
Sylli Week
Just got a new roommate. Seems like a total piece of shit. (That sucks. Roommates are always a mixed bag. You should go through his stuff while he’s at class to get a feel for his personality.)
At what point can I stop pretending that I even tried at my New Year’s resolution? (Whenever your gym membership expires, tubby.) 30 days into No Nut Nineteen, at what point is my latent masculine energy going to awaken?
People who call syllabus week "Sylli Week" need to get shot in the back of the head.
Am I having a stroke, or do my roommate’s farts just smell like toast? (You’re having a stroke. I bet you’re really regretting waiving that university insurance policy now, aren’t you?) My roommate confronted me about about how often I make him leave the dorm so I can fuck my girlfriend. Its not my fault he’s a kissless virgin. (Haha, yeah man. Stupid virgins. Of whom I definitely am not one of. Really uh... pathetic, those guys.) My roommate keeps reminding me to fill out my housing application. How do I tell her I really don’t want to live with her? (Just fake your own death.)
Wednesday, January 30th, 2019
(Just a few more days buddy. I’m over a year in now and the other day I managed to call my dad without crying.) My New Year’s resolution is to get more swipes on Tinder. Any tips? (Take a good long look in the mirror and reconsider whether you were ever worth loving in the first place.) I figured 2019 is as good of a time as ever to start making some new friends. Will you be my friend? (I don’t know buddy. I mean, I just have so many friends already. I could pencil you in for lunch in March? That’s my earliest opening. My seasonal depression ends around then.)
Welcome back everyone!
(I agree! Why don't you start with me. I'll leave my dorm unlocked for you.) How do I remind my professors that they're not allowed to teach during the first two weeks of the semester? (Take some inspiration for our good friend Martin Luther King Jr. and engage in some civil disobedience. Instead of learning, just go on your phone the entire class, like you would anyway.) My syllabus for Statistics says that 10% of my grade is participation, but I don't know what that means. How do percentages work? (There's a lot to unpack here.) My friend found the PDF for one of our textbooks online but he won't share it with me. What should I do?
(Nah man he's doing the right thing. Think of all the starving textbook publishers there are out there. Shame on you.) It's my third semester trying to pass Physics I. So far things are looking good. (Take it one day at a time. That way your inevitable failure can be a nice surprise.) The semester has only been going for a week now and I'm already losing my mind. (Fake it 'till you make it, my friend. I'm still dealing with the latent psychosis from the fall semester.)
Feeling stressed? Stop by our pitch meetings to share some laughs and maybe forget about the pain. Wednesdays @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center Room 109
QOTW
“I'm so sorry about what happened to you but it doesn't excuse the person you've become.”
-My Therapist
Christmas
Politics
It's a little late to do a whole section on Christmas, isn't it? (Listen, break just ended, and I'm playing catch up. Lay off man.)
I'm so glad they finally ended the government shutdown.
(Speak for yourself. Do you know how much material I had been prepping for those thirty five days? And now Is it just me, or did evit's all worthless. Worthery single person on the less I tell you!) planet ask for Apple AirThe Medium is being Pods this Christmas? funded by the liberals to (I know I did! Sounds like poison the minds of colyou're jealous. Just because lege students. Prove me you're poor doesnt mean wrong. you can covet my wealth. (Are you kidding me? I You digust me, peasant.) wish we were getting dark Every year my family money from the DNC. gets wasted and then has Then maybe we could print a political debate over often enough to stay relChristmas dinner. It's the vant for longer than a day.) I can't believe people are worst. (You think that's bad? My already gearing up for family does the same thing the 2020 election. It feels except they all AGREE on like we just got done with political issues. You don't the 2016 campaign. know pain until you've (What are you talking spent two hours listening to about? I'm so pumped to a mob of drunk baby boom- find out which of the lesser ers sucking each others' of two evils I'm going to dicks over how dogs should have to settle for this time.) be able to vote. I don't even We should build a great disagree with them, but a little discourse wouldn't wall around College Ave, and make Busch pay for hurt.) it! This was my first Christmas after moving out of (Great idea! Those dirty my parents' place, and STEM majors are stealing Santa forgot to bring me all the jobs we're woefully gifts! Does he know I unqualified for! Rutgers was better when it was libmoved? eral arts majors only!) (Of course he does! He sees The two party system is you when you're sleeping! broken! The US legal sysHe for sure has an RFID tem is in need of major chip in your skull tracking your location at all times. reform.
If attendence is mandatory, but I'm allowed to miss three classes, then is it really mandatory? (That's one of life's greatest mysteries. Let me know if you find an answer.) Has anyone taken Calculus 151 with Naumova? If so can I borrow your notes? I'll pay big $$$. (For fuck's sake, this is not the Facebook group. That said, I have taken that class. Sounds like someone was Starting price is $40 dol- just a naughty boy last lars. If you want them in year.) color that's an extra $20.)
(Honestly I'm just waiting for Alexandra Ocasio Cortez to implement full Communism and save America.)
Wednesday, January 30th, 2019
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PAGE A7
“Welcome back to HELL,” Robert Barchi on the start of the semester.
the Medium
Conservative’s Wet Nightmare Alexandria Occasio Cortez Breastfeeding Liberal Propaganda To The Innocent American Youth By Throb Lowe Chugs Butts
Rolling a 20 won’t save you this time, hobgoblin BITCH D&D Player Shocked when Coplayers don’t like his Murderhobo Character By Heywood Jablomi Actually likes this game, please don’t send hate mail just because the article makes fun of it After a long, awkward break of trying to interact with family and hometown friends, the Dungeons and Dragons crowd has made their triumphant turn to Rutgers, and while everyone else went to parties or braved the cold night for a pub crawl, the nerds made themselves comfortable in dorms or basements and prepared themselves for the new semester campaigns. “I’m looking forward to mine,” said Brandon, a SOE sophomore. “I’m a big fan of this DM, we’re playing in this post-apocalyptic landscape that’s been devastated by a plague, and I think my plague doctor girl character has a good chance of getting with Devin’s dark enchantress.” Clearly, Brandon and Devin are going to have a fun time together in their game. Other players similarly anticipate future sessions, and we here at The Medium have far too many quotes of players looking forward to their tabletop-based wish fulfillment to print. On the other side, unfortunately, we have one game that isn’t going so well. A Mason Gross senior named Michael is participating in what may be his last game of his college career, and this is what he had to say. “There’s this guy Carson, right? He’s a sophomore, SAS kid, this is his first time playing, and he decides he wants to play a murderhobo, right? A murderhobo, by the way, is a character who goes around killing people, which is really fun to play with when they kill essential NPCs or ruin your reputation in a town. And we also have this girl Maria, who had a murderhobo in her last session, so she came into this one really annoyed and asked everyone not to play any evil characters. Of course this guy just doesn’t care, and does it anyway, and he gets mad at her for telling him what to do.” This is where things take a tragic turn. Maria chose to play a lawful good character to counteract Carson, and tried to stop him at his first chaotic kill. Unfortunately, Carson’s min-maxed barbarian was much stronger than her paladin, and grievously injured her. By the time their session ended for the night, she was being cared to by their cleric, but her outcome doesn’t look good. As such, we’d like to dedicate this article not only to Maria and her paladin, but to all the D&D players who have lost their characters to violent coplayers. Be safe out there, everyone. We’ve already had one murderhobo casualty this semester, and we here at The Medium would hate to see another.
January 30th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com PRIVILEGED WHITE MAN SCREAMING!
TOM B R A DY C HA NT S " W E ' R E S TILL HERE", SO D O HA RVA R D ' S M I G R A NT WORKERS ROBIN BANKS PATS FAN
FOXBOROUGH— With the
Super Bowl this upcoming Sunday, Americans will eat their and other grazing animals' hearts out in what is undoubtedly the most American holiday. This past Sunday, at the New England Patriots' pre-Super Bowl rally, quarterback and all around self indulged Athenian god, Tom Brady, led the chanting by screaming, "We're still here!" Admittedly so, after going 11-5 during the season, not too many people expected the Patriots to get past Patrick Mahomes' Chiefs. However, the Patriots did just that and it was time for New England to celebrate once again. In the crowd there was
Brady leading the chant Is this the X factor?
one small section of beaming individuals who kept on chanting, "We're still here!" even after Tom Brady, and literally everyone else, stopped. The Medium caught up with these few individuals
and asked how they felt. Turns out, these ladies and gentlemen were happy for another reason. "Even after all this 'build the Wall' and 'Mexicans will steal our jobs' talk, President Trump has yet to find us and kick us out", said Harvard
head groundskeeper, Jose Tejas*. "That anaranjado hombre hasn't even looked at the nation's top universities, how will he possibly catch us at all?"The crowd erupted in laughter and went to chant, "We're still here!". It was after the crowd disbanded that Patriots owner Robert Kraft learned of the crowd of illegal immigrants. "Jose Tejas? I have about four of those who tend my property in the Hamptons. There's no problem with that in my opinion. I know Tom is friends with President Trump, so let's keep this off the record if we can." *The man's real name is not Jose Tejas you imbecile. We kept it confidential so he wouldn't be deported by the anaranjado hombre.
LUKE WALTON IS DONE FOR
LEBRO N P LAYS W I T H C RU TC HES, SCORES 32 P O I NT S I N LA K E R S WIN ROBIN BANKS IS NOT DONE ROBBING BANKS
LOS ANGELES — With Lebron James out with an injury, the young Lakers team has gone 5-10 without their leader. A few of their losses have been outright absurd (I mean who loses to the Cavs?) With Kyle Kuzma as their most potent shooter, there is just so much that a sophomore player can handle. As a result, in a press conference given at his home, Lebron James said
Lebron takes flight One of the 32 points James scored
had been practicing his that he would return to shooting and dunking play while on crutches, an unprecedented move. skills while on crutches. James spoke on how he "Nobody stops the king".
On Sunday night James confirmed his promise and suited up for the first time since December 25. Coming off the bench, James had a lackluster start. However, after being jeered at by the Suns fans, Lebron went off for 32 points and 8 boards. After the game, realizing he may be fired by the end of the week, Coach Luke Walton had nothing but praise for Lebron. "All I wonder is whether he will fire me", said a visibly shaken, not stirred, Walton.
Regretting coming to school SInce 1970