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Oct. 3rd, 2018
Volume LVI Issue IIII 50¢ A WHOLE DIFFERENT KIND OF PREDATOR
KAVANAUGH CLAIMS HE WAS PROWLING AS WEREWOLF ON NIGHT OF ASSAULT THROBIN WILLIAMS TRAPPED IN A BOTTLE
WASHINNGTON D.C. – Brett Kavanaugh has come forward once more to defend himself amidst accusations of sexual assault; and this time he's dropping a bombshell. "I was not ready to admit this to the world, but I have no choice. On the night Dr. Ford claims I assaulted her, I was busy prowling under the full moon as a werewolf." These new claims come just days after Kavanaugh was questioned by the Senate Judiciary Committee. According to the Supreme Court nominee, he could not have assaulted Christine Blasey Ford because that night was a full moon, and when the moon is full Kavanaugh transforms into a predator of the supernatural variety.
SO SPOOKY AND TOTALLY LEGITIMATE! An alibi this solid can't be refuted!
"Ever since I was a boy I have transformed into an unholy beast with an insatiable bloodlust that I try to fulfil until the wee hours of the morn," Kavanaugh went on to say. Supporters of the alleged mythical beast and sexual
predator think that this most recent alibi is the most solid one they've seen yet. Senator Lindsey Graham went on to defend Kavanaugh in a series of tweets claiming that Dr. Blasey Ford is in fact a werewolf slayer hired by the Democrats. Continued on Page 2
SMIZE ON PRIZE
WEAK SMIZING COULD BE HOLDING BACK FEMALE HEALTH PROFESSIONALS THOT JOPLIN THE ENTERTAINER
PISCATAWAY— Consider this pay gap solved! In a paper published by the American Journal of Psychology last week, researchers reported they had uncovered a key reason behind the discrimination women often face when entering certain fields of medicine, specifically surgery. While women are wellrepresented among hospital workers as a whole, over 60% of medical school residents specializing in surgery are men, and orthopaedic surgery especially has remained a boy’s club for as long as anyone can remember. Meanwhile, specialty
WORK IT GIRL! That smokey eye screams professional healthcare.
surgeons are some of the bestpaid doctors in the business, regularly making up to twice as much yearly as the average pediatrician. Female medical
students have been wondering for decades why they’re just not as good at becoming surgeons. This new study may have the Continued on Page 2
Sweating Profusely Since 1970
QUICKIES
Woman Selling Panties Online Unaware Her DNA is Going to be Cloned Man Waiting For Friend Outside Dorm Claps Fist in to Palm 327 Consecutive Times 50-year-old Man too Old to Just Now Start Reading Fahrenheit 451 Area Mother Still Worried About Baby Deer She Saw Alone Today Chewable Percocet for Children to Hit Shelves at Rite Aid, Walgreens Studies Find that People who Smoke Cigarettes 10 Times More Likely to Spend Time Outside
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NEWS
Wednesday, Oct. 3rd, 2018
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"Why would the Devil even wanna go to Georgia?"
SOMEONE'S BOUND TO LISTEN
Alex Jones found Screaming in a Chili’s Bathroom at 3 A.M. RICHARD HERTZ SPARE SOME OINTMENT?
TEXAS — Officers in El Paso got a little more than they bargained for when they responded to a report of a tripped alarm at a local Chili’s restaurant. The suspect Alex Jones, infamous internet personality, is currently in custody for destruction of property and breaking and entering. The two arresting officers, who were fresh out of the academy, exclusively recounted their harrowing experiences to the Medium and have allowed us to share their bizarre story. At approximately 2:43 A.M. the officers arrive on the scene to find the front door ripped off its hinges and thrown into one of the windows. Reasonably startled, the two officers call for backup and get ready for a potential fight. Body cam footage shows the officers, guns drawn, entering the fine dining establishment to a sight even more confusing than the one before. Tables and chairs were tossed haphazardly throughout the room and the walls were full of peculiar phrases and writings, for some reason each in a different condiment. The words “Sandy Hook was an inside job” was written in
relish and “Obama turned the frogs gay” was written in mustard. They then searched the kitchen only to find obvious signs of someone trying helplessly, to no avail, to cook a meal. Half eaten frozen beef patties and empty bags of instant milkshake mix littered the floor. The responding officers did not feel very welcome in this Chili’s. The two policemen searched the building from room to room in order to find the assailant. The last room to be checked was the ladies restroom. The door had the phrase “BUY MY SUPPLEMENTS” written in letters of varying sizes; also, for some reason, each letter was written in a different condiment. Truly this was the work of a troubled yet determined person or otherworldly creature. Inside they found a fairly built adult male about average height, who later would be revealed to be known conspiracy theorist and fluoride hater Alex Jones, seemingly hulking out in a corner. The officers went on to call the smell of the room as being a mixture of sweat, protein shake, and human feces.
DO YOU OFTEN FEEL ALIENATED OR ISOLATED FROM YOUR PEERS? HAVING TROUBLE MEETING PEOPLE? SAMESIES! COME TO OUR MEETINGS AND AND WE CAN FEEL ALONE TOGETHER. LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAY AT 7:45 PM
Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Editorial Managing Editor Marissa Schwartz Staff Business Manager Shaina Joseph Fall 2018 Mascot Sick New Brunswick Cat
THESE EYES DON'T TELL LIES
...OR DO THEY?
answer: no one can tell you’re smiling under a surgical mask! It’s an established fact that men’s faces look best with a slightly upturned chin and a look of stoicism or disgust. Objectively, women look more attractive when they smile, and numerous experts have recommended that all women smile up to 3x more often. This poses a key challenge to women trying to make it in surgery, in that their pretty mouths are always covered up by unsightly hygienic masks. Their medical school peers and future coworkers have no way of knowing whether these women are happy, and by extension friendly, attractive, and fit to practice any form of medicine. However, the paper’s authors still find hope for lady doctors in the form of some age-old advice from women’s favorite person, Tyra Banks. These academics recommend that females hoping to succeed in health care professions work on their smizing. Smizing, or expressing one’s smile not just with the mouth, but with the eyes, is a great way to take flawless photos. Additionally, it serves the purpose of letting your colleagues know you’re not a total bitch while performing an angioplasty.
...continued from front
Without proper smizing technique, a lovely smile could become just a cold curve of the mouth, the eyes emptied of all warm, feminine emotion. Covered mouths and noses in the workplace have been found to be a huge roadblock for women attempting to climb the high-stakes professional ladder that is surgery. A survey of hospital CEOs across fourteen Midwestern states found that female surgeons would be hired 26% more frequently if they flashed those pearly whites on occasion. Although hospitals are already rife with secondary infections and no amount of handwashing will ever be enough, some facilities are considering total abolishment of surgical mask requirements to level the playing field for all staff. “It’s not like a little misplaced saliva ever hurt anyone, and it’s unfair to place a handicap on the careers of individuals with less nuanced eye expressiveness,” said Ray Jiujitsu, chief executive of New Jersey’s second-most visited ER, “by forcing our ladies to cover their mouths at work, we make it much harder for them to express constant joy, thereby gaining the respect of their peers and achieving professional success.”
ON THE PROWL
HE LIKES IT HAIRY Kavanaugh went on to describe how he cannot control when he turns into a werewolf, and therefore did not have time to record it in his personal event calendar. "Sometimes I lose track of my abacus and astral-projection sheet and forget when the moon is cycling. That's why I didn't have that party or my feeding as a menacing beast written down there." While he may seem in the clear for now, more people are already News Editors Dan Cretella Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Jeff Zhang Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
...continued from front
starting conversations about whether a werewolf would actually make a good Supreme Court justice. Even Republicans are skeptical of Kavanaugh now. President Trump chimed in earlier today, "Maybe we should hold some sort of trial where we can let him hear himself out and decide if, as a werewolf, he is fit for such a position of power. I still think he'll do a fine job." Updates on the hearing to come. Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Zoe Sifnakis Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field Adobe
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 201B. This issue is dedicated to everyone horny enough to masturbate in their dorm's communal bathroom!
Wednesday, October 3rd, 2018 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
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“Why are you reading this?”
TOO MANY COOKS?
Easy Dinner Recipe: Tacos By A Really Busy College Student
YOU CAN’T PROVE I’VE USED ANY OF THESE
Is This a Weed Strain or Other Illegal, Psyhcoactive Drug? By Elon Thrust 1) Charlie Sheen 2) Acid 3) Ying Yang 4) Alaskan Thunderfuck 5) Blue Kisses 6) God’s Flesh 7) White Rhino 8) Aunt Hazel 9) Chernobyl 10) Donkey Dick Take a guess!
Are you too busy to make dinner? Probably not, you’re probably just fuckin’ lazy. But that’s fine because I have a surprise for you: an easy step-by-step process to make delicious tacos very quickly. Whether you’re already late for the pregame or trying to convince yourself that you’re actually going to go to your night class, simply follow this recipe: 1) Find your roommates’ chicken, cheese, lettuce, and of course, taco shells. If they don’t have one or more ingredients, text in your house group chat that you got sick and really need someone to run to the store immediately and get you whatever is needed. 2) Cook the chicken in a pan with oil until you are around 75% sure that you won’t get salmonella. That should be enough to not give you salmonella. 3) In order, put in the chicken, lettuce, and cheese in the taco shell. You will likely spill some of at least one of the ingredients, but you don’t have time to clean it up so hopefully one of your roommates will. 4) Eat! (and pray the lettuce and cheese you used is still good, because we both know you didn’t check the expiration date) And, voila! Follow these steps, and there’s a solid chance you’ll have edible food for dinner. Bet you can’t say that about most nights. If you can’t seem to follow these simple rules and get it right, just go to fucking Tacoria.
EVEN SIMPLER THAN MAKING TACOS
How to Pass Calculus 2 By Elon Thrust 1) Don’t, because you can’t. 2) Beg your teacher for forgiveness. 3) When your teacher doesn’t forgive you, beg the Chair of the Math Department for forgiveness. 4) When the Chair doesn’t forgive you, take the class again. 5) Cheat.
DID YOU KNOW... RECTAL THERMOMETERS ARE A GATEWAY TO ANAL? FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND OTHER FACTS WE MAKE UP AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 201B AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM!
1) Weed. An indica-dominant hybrid with relaxing and pain-relieving effects. Warning: may also cause cocaine abuse and divorce. 2) Actually, both. Most of you probably thought of the hallucinogenic drug LSD that causes vivid hallicunations and perceptual difficulties, but it is also the name of a weed strain that has powerful body effects and a rush of mental energy. So, if your friend offers you acid, maybe wait to see what they have first before you say no. 3) This one is actually LSD, probably named for the wavy nature of the drug. But also a bit misleading because LSD is colorful as fuck, not just black and white. 4) Weed. I mean, what a great name. I feel like a joke doesn’t even need to be made. 5) MDMA. I don’t know why this is a nickname for this drug, but maybe it makes your lips blue and likely to kiss others? It sounds like what happens when I go drunk night swimming 6) Psilocybin, also known as magic mushrooms. A hallucinogenic drug that also makes you shit bricks. Exciting! 7) Weed. Gives a strong head high, and an even stronger urge to run up to your friends and headbutt them in the ass. 8) Heroin. So if your uncle ever says he has to go to talk to your Aunt Hazel, he is 100% doing heroin. 9) Weed. A sativa-dominant strain that will make you happy and dreamy, and a low but existent probability that your head will literally explode. 10) Weed. Self-explanatory.
AWWWWWWWW
Here’s a Cute Dog to Distract from the Fact that I Didn’t Want to Write More Content
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 3rd, 2018
“Someone please help me, I’m being held here against my will”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Now That it is October, What is Something That Horrified You Most This Year?
IS IT THOUGH?
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
My Penis is Very Memorable BY BRETT KAVANAUGH
I am a big fan of the Medium because I find jokes involving flatulence and other such bathroom humor hilarious and the Medium is a great source for this humor. But as I was reading last weeks paper “Sleeping over at my Uncle’s I noticed an article that was complete libel, hurtful, and disgraceknowing he only has one ful to what I consider a wonderful part of my body. Firstly, that bed.” woman had no right to speak such a libelous story, not saying she Pat Belworth has no rights just saying that libel is illegal and can be very damaging to a person’s life and career. This story is a lie!!! Number one, #metoo because I did not have sex until I married my wife and I will admit that means I was a virgin, but I’m not a virgin now, just to make that clear. The second reason this is a lie: If it were true she would have damn well remembered my penis. My penis is one of the best things “My wife asking me to have sex about me, aside for my great ability to be a productive and fair with her.” member of the Supreme Court. To interpret the constitution as it is written, with logic and advanced reasoning. Now back to my penis. Norman Froodle I like to think of my penis as a piece of art model and sculpted perBeloved college proffesor fectly by the hands of G-d. No, it is not a large penis, but neither is it small. It has similar features to most average penises, but this one is special. I am deeply hurt by the words said in the other article and “The corpse I reanimated can re- truly offended. Lindsey Graham is pretty goddamn pissed about it cite every line from When Harry also.
Met Sally even though I’ve only made him watch it twice.” Rita Spenoza Possibly fucking insane.
DARK AND GRITTY
The Philadelphia Flyers Should Be Banned from the NHL Because of Their New Mascot
BY FREDRICO BERGSTEIN The Philadelphia Flyers revealed their new mascot, Gritty the other day, and boy is he terrifying. Gritty is an orange, bearded, giant muppet whose big googly eyes permanently roll in their sockets. He might look like a muppet but there is no way this fucker would be allowed on Sesame Street. Did the Flyers even do a background check on this freak? You might say ‘hey why you being so mean to this guy just because he looks like a fire crotch? He is probably a great guy who is kid friendly and loves hockey.” I have known Gritty for years. I have seen him in all the slimy parts of town. Drug deals, brothels, strip clubs, cock fights, kids camps, and the most sketchy of all, fucking PENGUINS GAMES!! The guy is a Penguins fan for god’s sake and the Flyers make him their mascot?!?! The guys middle name is fucking Crosby! This is the biggest scandal in NHL history. They are allowing a Penguins fan to destroy the team from the inside. Who knows what this guy will do with the power the Flyers have given him. He might kill the Philly Phanatic if we don’t act quick.They haven’t won a Stanley Cup since 1974 and now to get their fans excited for the upcoming season they make a fucking Penguins fan their mascot?! This is why Philadelphia’s most popular athlete is a fictional boxer. Even Gritty’s Pee Wee hockey team would kick the Flyers’ ass. I have been to their games, practices, in there locker room, and even was Gritty’s assistant coach so I know just how in shape those kids are. He sometimes didn’t let me in the locker room when he was giving an inspirational speech to the kids but I knew his words were powerful because they always came out of the locker room with tears in their eyes. Maybe that’s why the Flyers hired him. To pump up the crowd and the team. I don’t joke around when it comes to my Flyers. I don’t jerk off but when the Flyers score, the result is still the same. I get invested in this team every year and every season they let me down. So to my Philadelphia Flyers I say this: Please hire a mascot that loves the Flyers and the city of Philadelphia. Fuck the Penguins.
A STICKY SITUATION
How an Early Venom Screening Ended With Me Covered in Cum
BY PETER WILBERT I am a huge fan of marvel and I am especially a huge fan of Spider-man. When I found out they were coming out with a Venom movie that did not include Spider-man, I was like, “what the fuck?” But after thinking about it for a while and seeing some of the trailers, I has some hope, so then I was a little more excited. When my friend told me he got us tickets to an early screening of Venom I nearly ‘gasmed. The night of the screening we both got our coolest Venom shirts and headed to the theater. As we made our way to our seats we were just glaring at the screen in excitement, paying no attention to who we were sitting in front of. The movie began and as it went on it was kind of shit, but then the Venom transformation scene began. The intensity coming from Tom Hardy’s acting truly displayed his fight against the alien symbiote from taking over his body. Then as I watched this scene with symbiotes flying all across the screen, I felt something splash onto my head. When I put my hand on my head to check what it was, I felt a worm, gooey, stringy like substance. My eyes widened; I could not believe what had just happened. I had no idea they were adding 4D special effects to the film. As the film went on more scenes of the Venom symbiote appeared leading to more and more prop symbiote being poured all over my body. Then three quarters into the film during a scene that did not include a single symbiote in site I felt more of the prop symbiote splash its warm stickiness on my head, and then I was a little confused, but eventually I came to a conclusion that it was a misfire. Later as the film ended I thought to myself, “the movie wasn’t great, but this certainly was a once in a lifetime experience.” And it sure was. After the final credits rolled and the famous postcredit scene played, the lights came back on. There was an applause from the whole theater, that was suddenly grinded to a halt by a sharp scream of absolute horror. I looked around in confusion and as I did I noticed nobody else had an ounce of the fake symbiote goo. It was at this moment that Tom Hardy came in to say hi to the audience but instead he looked directly at me and as if he had just witnessed a murder, with a frozen face he said, “Jesus Christ…” and a tear began to shed from his eye. Having a feeling of what was going on, I began to look down towards my body. As I stared at my hands, chest, and legs, tears began to run down my face, melting away some of the substance I was covered in. It was at this moment that I realized I was covered in buckets of semen. I turn around, and there sat a man passed out with his baby maker. He must have passed out by the extensive amount of fluids that left his body. It will be a night I will never forget.
Wednesday, October 3rd, 2018
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ARTS
“When is Hitler’s art going to be featured on this page?”
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AT 6.5 INCHES, IPHONE XS MAX SELECTED IN NBA DRAFT BY LOU SKUNT
BRETT 40 HANDS BY LOU SKUNT
ART SCHOOL DEBT PAYOFF BY LOU SKUNT
DOTW: DAVID FOR SCALE BY LOU SKUNT
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO CREATE SHITTY MICROSOFT PAINT EDITS? THEN COME JOIN THE MEDIUM! PITCH MEETINGS WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45PM AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 201B CUM STAINED CANVASES HIGHLY WELCOME!
PERSONALS
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Modern Composer
Medium Tinder
I never learned how to study in HS and now I think Im fucked.
My roommate doesn’t know how to play anything but Wonderwall. (Stop whining, learn an instrument and join in, man!) I think I should transfer out of SOE but I don’t know which one to switch to... (Just pick one at random and cycle through until you settle on one you like.) How are personals EVEN WORSE than last week?
Don’t call me homophobic, I’m all for gay love, but my roommate and her GF need to stop banging while I’m still around for the week. You homophobe. Also 90% of guys on campus just wanted to switch places with you. Seriously, you could charge them rent.
What about on when it opens late on weekends?
(You’re shit out of luck, sorry. I used to stock up on chips from the convenience center, but that’s gone too. At this point your options are go hungry, stock up early, or live literally anywhere else)
(Cut me a break, man, I’m only here because the other guy flaked out.) What should I write for Creative Writing? (Write about an explorer on an alien planet who gets a parasite, then cut back and forth between them dealing with the parasite and flashbacks of escaping a toxic relationship.)
You interested?
Hit me up later in the year when I get really lonely.
What, is the guy who likes girls with dicks out for the week? I kinda miss that degenerate. (It would seem like it, yeah. He’ll be back, though, whether we like it or not. Or you could fill in for him, if you’re up for it.)
Fuck You Buddy
Wait, that pic of the week seems a bit wholesome. Thats actually pretty You guys don’t do ANYcool, thanks! THING just to brighten (Don’t you fucking dare, our week. (Can’t be antisemetic when that’my idea now. Come up (Excuse you, we make this we’re all Jewish!) with your own damn ideas paper to brighten your week. We’re just not good next time.) at it. You’re right to question the picture, though, it’s hiding something :D) A pretty girl to brighten your week! How do they keep letting you post all these antisemetic stereotypes and jokes?
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“Dumber every day.”
Study Fuck Buddy
(Yeah, thats rough, there are a lot of people in the same boat. I’d start with figuring out apostrophes first, though.) It’s past 11 and I live on Busch, is there ANYTHING to eat around here? (I lived on Busch last year, and no, there isn’t. Just get to sleep, the dining hall will be open when you’re up.)
Wednesday, October 3rd, 2018
“Without further interruption, let’s celebrate and suck some dick.“ -Steve Rambo
No
Fuck Yeah
Can you guys promote Alumni here, is there still that lesbian bar near CA? my soundcloud? (Fuck outta here, that’s not what we’re here for. But don’t forget to check out my blog!)
(I think RWJ bought that out, actually. Is that gentrification?)
(Yeah, on the one hand you’re missing the 3rd party support of PlayStation and the innovation of Nin... she has a dick, doesn’t tendo and the exclusives of both, but hey, I’m sure she. all those games would’ve (She sure does!) looked really nice if they YOU’RE the guy who weren’t cancelled.) likes girls with dicks, Well that’s just, like, your aren’t you?? opinion, man.
(No, they don’t. They’re lying to you. Well, actually, they have MORE than 16 handles, so I guess they’re underselling themselves, and also do have 16 handles with some extras. There’s no need to boycott them for it is all I’m saying.)
(Alright, I wouldn’t say THE guy. There’s literally dozens of us! But yeah, you got me, I’m the guy who always submits the girldick personals.)
What did you do with the old personals guy??
Build shit with us at our pitch meetings. Seriously, we need actual funny people. We haven’t had any good writers in years. It could be you! What are you waiting for? Wednesday @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center 201B
QOTW
Does 16 handles actually Xbox is objectively the have 16 handles? They best console. don’t, do they?
(Sorry, I can’t hear you, I’m too busy playing SpiderMan and waiting for Super Mario Party and Smash.)
Whatever, man, SpiderMan isn’t even that good. Let me know when y’all get a good exclusive, like Forza.
(NOTHING, jeez, he’s just not here. I’m actually sur- (Whatever, man, I’ll just prised I didn’t have to cover wait until they port it to PC for him earlier.) in a year.) Alright, I’ve gotta con- I emailed you guys a fess something, and no question three weeks one reads this so I’ll just ago, and you’re wasting post it here. A year ago, I time arguing with this stole a textbook from my dick? classmate, and it gave me (Yeahhh, we don’t check the a rush like nothing else. email...) This fall, I lifted a textbook from the bookstore, How much do y’all make and it felt just as good as over there? before, so tonight I’m going to break back in and (Pffft... nothing? Well, a sense of pride and accomI’m going downstairs to plishment, but that’s not (I’m cutting this off. Dude, worth a damn thing.) get some help.)
A couple of my friends here say they’re from Highland Park? Where the hell is that? (Ever drive from Edison to Piscataway and there was a 10 minute stretch where everything was less shitty, and there were a bunch of jews? That’s HP)
Which character do I pick to start with in Octopath Traveler?? (Ophilia if you want a healer, Cyrus if you want a mage, Therion or Olberic if you want damage, and Tressa if you’re into lolis.) My roommate’s gf has a dick, is it wrong to ask for a threesome? (Am I doing this right?) (Ayy, not bad. Feel free to drop in anytime in case I have to duck out for a week.)
Wednesday, October 3rd, 2018
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PAGE A7
“I’m feelin’ miiiiighty thirsty”
GOOD FRIENDS GOOD FOOD EAT YOUR FRIENDS DO IT By: Sue Denim
the Medium WHOROSCOPES - FETISH EDITION Aries: Sadism - Your innate sense of leadership and commanding personality would make you the perfect dominatrix. With the courage to step on your partner’s balls that one second longer, or turn that shock collar to up to 11, you’re sure to make some pathetic, submissive worm very happy. Taurus: Heterophilia - Your grounded nature keeps you on the straight and narrow. Nothing makes you hornier than the dependable vanilla practices that our ancestors literally killed people for not adhering to. Gemini: Exhibitionism - Your love of adventure causes you to take your sexuality to all kinds of crazy places, like the supermarket, DMV, and even your grandmother’s funeral. Cancer: Chastity - Your need for security has given you a soft spot for the ol’ lock and key. Your junk is locked up tight to make sure that nobody but your beloved can get their hands, lips, or… lips on it.
THIS IS AD IS NOT SPONSORED BY HIGHLAND PIZZA RU IMPORTANT TO DEMOCRACY
Leo: Groupsex - Your generosity makes you quite the giver in all situations, and the bedroom is no exception. Your body is a gift, and you want to give it to as many people as possible, preferably all at once. Virgo: Gerontophilia - Your innate sense of duty has instilled you with a desire to fuck those who need it most: the elderly. They might not provide an optimal amount of lubrication, but you’ve never met a set of aged genitals that you didn’t like. Libra: Pictophilia - Your love of beauty has inspired you to spend much of your life seeking out art, AKA hentai. Whether you got your sexual start on Newgrounds, Shadbase, or just by watching anime, over the years you’ve come to realize that there’s only one rule to a perfect life, and it’s number 34. Scorpio: Autassassinophilia - Your love of extremes has driven you to turn every moment of your life into a feat of death-defying grandeur. Scared and horny mean the same thing to you, and adrenaline is the only lube you need. Sagittarius: Forniphilia - Your tendency towards absent mindedness means that you don’t like to think much during sex, and you know what really doesn’t think much? Furniture. Nothing makes you happier than imagining that you’re a chair or a table and allowing yourself to actually be useful for a change.
RU THE VOICE OF UR GENERATION?! IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE JUGGLING LOBSTER WIN ANOTHER TERM, WE NEED YOUNG RUTGERS VOTERS TO GO OUT TO THE BALLOTS AND VOTE “MAN PLAYING THE BANJO BUT HIS HE’S KIND OF OLD AND ALSO HIS FATHER JUST DIED” IF YOU CARE ABOUT OUR GLORIOUS DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC, YOU’LL VOTE IN THE ALL NEW SEASON OF AMERICA’S GOT TALENT
Capricorn: Mechanophilia - Your sometimes robotic sensibilities have made it hard for you to be attracted to organic lifeforms. You’d take the screeches and beeps of a dial up modem over “Fuck me, daddy!” any day. Aquarius: Telephonicophilia - Your communication skills make you particularly adept at phone sex, to the point where you prefer it. After all, it’s much easier to fake an orgasm when there’s no need to provide physical evidence. Pisces: Metrophilia - Your emotional sensitivity has caused you to develop a lifelong love for poetry; like to the point where it makes you want to screw. This is a real thing. Look it up.
October 3rd, 2018 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com WARRIORS GIVEN GOLDEN TICKET TO FINALS
NBA M E D I A DAY: WA R R I O R S P O SE WITH THE 7TH LA R RY O ' B R I E N T RO P HY T HEY WILL WIN ROBIN BANKS THIEF
Oakland,California— All 30 teams of the NBA participated in Media Day this past week. Media Day is a day where all teams display their talent (not you Atlanta) and make boastful comments on how their teams have built the strength and shooting accuracy over the off season to contend for the NBA Championship. One team, however, decided not even to boast, rather take matters into their own hands. The Golden State Warriors, with their All-Star starting lineup comprised of Stephen Curry, Draymond Green, Klay Thompson, Kevin Durant and Demarcus Cousins posed happily with a Larry O’Brien trophy engraved with: “2019 World Champions: Golden State Warriors” Naturally, the basketball
Anotha' One No, DJ Khaled did not produce this
world was divided. The Warriors bandwagoners and those who claim they were Warriors fans before their dominance, but really weren’t, were ecstatic. The rest, not so much. Back on the East Coast, Celtics fans believe that their
team is the only one who can give the Warriors a run for their money. “Of course [the Celtics] can beat ‘em. We will uh go to the uh…”, said a visibly drunk Caleb O’Connor. Back on the West Coast, in Los Angeles, riots not seen
since 1992 erupted all over the city. Lakers fans, thinking that every championship is rightfully theirs even though Kobe Bryant retired 2 years ago, were rather confused. “Apparently Lebron James is supposed to do something about it. “I mean I hate him, but when he brings a championship home, I will hate him a little less”, said Matthew McConaughey impersonator, Rod Stevens. Despite the recent chain of events, there is much to celebrate. Players aren’t kneeling during the anthem to keep basketball appealing to southern fans. Joel Embiid has read every entry in Urban Dictionary to expand his colorful vocabulary, and the Phoenix Suns promised that they would not actually suck this year.
NFL EMBRACING DIVERSITY
SUPER B OW L LI I I I N AT LA NTA : NFL ANNOUNCES W HITE S T BA ND TO P LAY HA LF TIME AT THE ATL ROBIN BANKS CHURCHGOER
New York, NY— This week, a variety of news sources obtained information that the National Football League along with its authoritarian commissioner Roger Goodell have agreed to have Maroon 5 perform during the halftime show. Atlanta, a city brewing with “talent” is host to a variety of musicians and rappers from minority backgrounds that includes Migos, Gucci Mane, Dapper Don, and A.S. Jon. Upon hearing the news out of New York, many people were up in arms (literally), including
band that whitewashed my sis Cardi to play the show.” In response to this outrage, the NFL issued a statement stating how the organization as a whole wished to integrate music from all genres and backgrounds into their halftime show. A spokesperson from the organization said, “Given the music scene from Atlanta, we The NFL's New Logo wanted to move away from rap There, that should do it and introduce an apparently the outspoken leader of Migos, not even reading this anymore. foreign genre to the people. Quavious Marshall AKA Quavo “Man, they really did us dirty. Who knows, we may also call AKA Huncho AKA Quatatouille First they ban my boy Kap and Rascal Flatts to join Maroon 5 on AKA Huh AKA you’re probably now they’re allowing the same stage.”
Pre-gaming for no reason SInce 1970