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Oct. 10th, 2018
Volume LVI Issue IIII 50¢ DO NOT DISTURB
PRESIDENTIAL ALERTS TURNED OFF FOREVER AFTER TRUMP MISUSES THROBIN WILLIAMS STANDS ON DESKS
WASHINGTON— The presidential alert system has officially been dissolved after President Trump directly messaged the American population multiple inappropriate messages. The service was tested on a national level on Oct. 3, and once the floodgates opened there was no saving us. Much like an amber alert or a silver alert, presidential alerts are designed to get your attention, which worked phenomenally when the entire state of Hawaii was told they were going to be bombed into oblivion. Not two hours had passed before everyone in America with a cellphone was alerted to “remember when Ted Cruz jacked off on 9/11? LOL SAD!” FEMA faced immediate
STAY IN YOUR LANE Don't make the whole interstate witness your mistakes!
backlash from the population and issued a statement shortly after. “Perfecting the National Wireless Emergency Alert System is our number one priority right now. We have absolutely nothing better to do than make sure
that the president can directly communicate with the American people at his will. Literally nobody involved with FEMA can think of anything at all that we could be allocating time, money, and other resources to, so we’re all in on the alert thing.” Continued on Page 2
SIP SIP YOUR BLOOD IS DELICIOUS
NEW YORK BLOOD CENTER DEPLOYS COHORT OF VAMPIRES JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN THOT JOPLIN REALLY COMPOSED
NEW BRUNSWICK — The weather might be getting colder, but that doesn’t mean that people need any less blood. Thousands of previous blood donors in the tri-state area received aggressive phone calls late Monday night requesting that they hand their blood over to New York blood banks as soon as possible. This was a fairly standard move for the New York blood center, according to three-time donor Kath McTraughlin. The mother of two has donated a total of 1,410 milliliters of blood in her life, twice in a local ice cream shop and once at her older
SORRY I DON'T USUALLY USE ARM VEINS
son’s high school. She considers herself a giving person, but for health reasons has decided to retire from blood donation. However, Ms. McTraughlin
still reports receiving up to six phone calls a month alerting her of a seemingly perpetual blood shortage in the metro area. Continued on Page 2
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"Where have all the cowboys gone?"
IN PRISON FOR BREAD
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DONATE NOW WE'RE HUNGRY
ENGINEERING STUDENTS REMAKE LES MISERABLES IN ACT OF PROTEST TRENT TON MAKES, THE WORLD TAKES
PISCATAWAY — Citing anger at the rising tuition prices and the removal of their beloved Deba Dutta, Rutgers engineering students are protesting by taking inspiration from famous play “Les Miserables”. The growing movement has been sweeping across Busch campus in recent months, yet it hasn’t seemed to appear on anyone’s radar. Students plan to barricade themselves in the Busch suites courtyard unless their demands for a tuition decrease and the return of the beloved Deba are met. The civil engineers are hard at work drafting designs for the barricade, while the electrical and computer engineers are making sure they have enough hentai and power bricks to last through the siege. Many engineers have signed up for voice lessons so they can perform “Do You Hear The People Sing” from atop the barricade. It is unclear if Deba is meant to represent Jean Valjean or Marius, but what is quite
Wednesday, October 10th, 2018
clear is that Barchi is the hated Inspector Javert. “All of Rutgers is behind us”, confidently proclaimed Rutgers senior Daniel Mechi. However, no one on College Avenue or Cook seems to have any knowledge of the movement. “I just heard a bunch of nerds were starving themselves and wading in their own shit like some nerd musical” said Jayden Johnson, brother at Chi Pi. "It is the music of the people who are rising to the fight for a noble cause", answered Kevin Plank, leader of the movement, upon being questioned as to why K-Pop can be heard throughout the entirety of Busch campus. The Medium staff is left wondering whether any of these rebellious engineers have ever actually seen Les Mis or at least the ending. Our sources have informed us that a few of these students are planning on performing an off key rendition of “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables” in the Busch dining hall next week.
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Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Editorial Managing Editor Marissa Schwartz Staff Business Manager Shaina Joseph Fall 2018 Mascot Sick New Brunswick Cat
THIS "SUCKS" LOL
“I want to help give those kids with leukemia healthy blood cells and give those adults with fatally low blood pressure some extra blood volume, but at a certain point it starts to feel like harassment. With all these advancements in modern medicine, you’d think they would be able to grow blood cells by now, or at least platelets,” said McTraughlin, deleting 72 voicemails from 72 distinct unknown New York numbers. “Actually you can’t,” said NYBC exec Ruse Sterling, indignantly. “A synthetic erythrocyte would be a huge innovation in both medicine and nutrition, but as of yet no one has come up with something as physiologically efficient or delicious as organic, free-range red blood cells. To that end, we’re trying out a new collection strategy this fall season.” Traditionally known as vampires, these employees prefer to be called blood mealers, and report feeling hungry for blood, but not hungry to the point of murder. Sterling spoke very highly of the new class of specialists joining the center this October, stating that total blood volume has never been higher
...continued from front
across the region’s 128 banks. These creatures of the night seem to make nearly perfect phlebotomists. Their physiological need to drink the blood of others drives them to seek and locate friendly donors with above-average blood content. New York’s spookiest nonprofit workers are authorized to collect one and a half pints of whole blood from donors via gentle neck or shoulder bite. The slightly boosted donation volume allows collection employees to take about a half-unit as compensation/lunch, and has been confirmed completely safe due to a plasma-like fang injection that replaces some of the lost fluid. “We try to keep the collection process as painless and cordial as possible,” said an anonymous employee, with a not at all sinister chortle, “personally, my fangs are so sharp that most donors can’t even tell when I make the initial incision. Then I just kind of let them drip into the collection unit. I don’t even suck at all until the end when the flow starts tapering off, that’s center policy.” Area residents who give blood regularly are still adjusting to the new, more nocturnal system.
A NATURAL DISASTER? ONE DM TOO MANY The next day countless sleepy Americans were alerted at 3:12 a.m. EST. by our commander in chief that “Melania told the maids to buy the wrong kind of toilet paper and now I’m all chapped. Might have to cancel a summit.” The last straw came when he delivered a celebratory message after the Kavanaugh confirmation that read “Real America won today. Next up: Bill Cosby#itsascarytimeform eninamerica” The alert system was shut down 15 minutes after the message was sent, thanks to the efficient and effective News Editors Dan Cretella Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Jeff Zhang Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
...continued from front
response by FEMA. The White House announced that they’ll be returning to the popular fireside chat format used by Theodore Roosevelt during his service as president. Vice President Mike Pence elaborated on the plan. “Teddy Roosevelt was a genius. Who would have thought of letting real Americans sit down with the president at a campfire and chat? This new service will allow legal citizens to register for a time slot to sit by a fire, make s’mores, tell scary stories and discuss matters like domestic policy and foreign affairs.” Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Zoe Sifnakis Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field The IT Person
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 411B of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Livi Starbucks... thanks for not throwing us out <3
Wednesday, October 10th, 2018 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
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“Cannabis or Cannibalism?”
DRINKS? MORE LIKE STINKS
I’VE USED THE MEDIUM TO FAIL MANY TESTS
Rutgers Drinking Game: A New Kind of Party
I Used The Medium to Pass my Calculus Test
By Elon Thrust
By Anonymous
Hello everyone! Are you tired of the normal party night of drinking and pregaming and going out to either a frat or a bar with people you claim to be your friends? Are you tired of the repetitive Rutgers lifestyle? Are you just tired? Well, lucky for you, I’ve invented a new kind of night that you and your “friends” can participate in. And don’t worry, of course it involves alcohol. In fact, it is a drinking game: The Rutgers Drinking Game. It is a game where you have to visit every campus, and take a drink every time: -You see a goose on Busch -You see an Asian on Livingston -You see a Rutgers Police Officer writing a parking ticket -The bus leaks on you -A bus driver takes a break -Someone in your group doesn’t stand behind the white line while the bus is in motion -Someone in your group mentions the “RU Screw” -Someone in your group says they should’ve studied for a test tonight instead of play this stupid game -You see a homeless person -You see The Medium newspaper, take two if someone not in your group is actually reading it Good luck, try not to die.
This is anonymous because I have not gotten caught (yet). Thank you to The Medium’s features editor. I followed your step-by-step process to pass Calculus 2 and I got an 95 on my first midterm! This is much better than the 12 I got on my first midterm first semester when I failed.Who knew a satirical newspaper was just the thing I needed to get an edge in class? I knew my mom was wrong about me being a complete failure and that I was destined to never succeed in life and that I should just drop out of college now and get a job at a fast food chain before I get too old and before they realize that I’m probably not even worth keeping even at such a low skilled job so I have to resort to banging on trash cans in a subway station somewhere. But no more! I’m gonna call her right now and rub it in her face. Thank you again, features editor, especially for your last step in the process: cheat. I’m pretty sure that’s the step that helped the most.
GOD, THESE PEOPLE ARE ANNOYING, JESUS
Top Ten Ways to Respond to Campus Bible Peddlers By Jen Dirbender
DRUGS ARE BAD, MM’KAY?
I’m Going to Start Using Cigarettes, Vaping is for Douchebags By Elon Thrust So I know it’s supposed to be the other way around, but I mean come on. I originally started vaping because I just wanted something extra to do during downtime, but cigarettes were too hardcore. So I got my big box vape, and before I knew it, anywhere I went, around every corner, douches were vaping. I was immediately turned off, and right around then, the Juul came out. Perfect! A way to keep vaping but not look like a complete douchebag. It was discreet and that’s all I needed to hear. I didn’t even realize the nicotine content would be so high. The first time I hit it I coughed and made a scene and I even heard someone utter, “pussy”. But I quickly adjusted and became an inconspicuous #vapenation user yet again. And then, of course, lame high schoolers had to ruin everything. They made Juuling a whole new class of douchebaggery. So fuck it, I’m done. I need my nicotine in a cool package. It’s official, I’m switching to cigarettes. I know it’s bad for you, but I need it and I seriously doubt high schoolers are gonna ruin this one again.
1) “No thanks, I can’t read” 2) “That thing’s just a longer Talmud right?” 3) *Any Richard Dawkins quote* 4) “But I just love sinnin’!” 5) *Any Christopher Hitchens quote* 6) “No thanks, I prefer the Quran” 7) “I don’t need Jesus to save me. I’m a feminist” 8) “No thanks, I prefer Pepsi” 9) *Pull out YOUR bible* 10) *Pull out YOUR dick*
DID YOU KNOW... SCOLIOSIS IS A CHOICE??? FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND OTHER OFFENSIVE, FALSE FACTS AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 201B AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM
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OPINIONS “Someone please!!!! Why am I being ignored!!!”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What is Your Favorite Thing to do on a Rainy Day? “Cry because people can’t tell if it’s rain or tears.” Katey Slater not prepared for life
“Ponder whether the rain is God’s tears or his peepee” Jason Frable on academic probation
“Drown” Phil Suster Will welcome death with a smile
DARK AND GRITTY
Limp Bizkit is Still Relevant BY CRISS FRAIDRO
How are you even gonna pretend that Limp Bizkit doesn’t spit the realest shit you ever heard in your entire life? The nu-metal genre would not be where it is today without the pure genius that is the Bizkit sound. They shed blood so metal could make its way into the 21st century, and they are not getting the respect they deserve in modern society. And the same goes for you rap fans. Do you really think Kendrick Lamar’s “Damn” would have ever gotten made if he didn’t have groundbreaking works like “My Way,” “Nookie,” and “Rollin’ (Air RaidVehicle)” to inspire him? Think back to the first time you listened to “Break Stuff.” Remember the rage, and angst that it filled you with. Think about the inconvenient truths that it opened your eyes to. In that moment, you knew that if your day had kept going that way you just might have broken something that night. No mainstream music from the past 10 years has come anywhere near to the pure mastery of the medium that Limp Bizkit achieved with that ballad to the young and disenfranchised. So next time you listen to Lil Pump, Asking Alexandria, Nicki Minaj, or Avenged Sevenfold, remember to pay respects to the musical geniuses that put those artists on the map.
Wednesday, October 10th, 2018
THE UNHEARD STRUGGLE
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I Am a White Male BY PATRICK HARDLER
I’m a white, male, upper middle class college student. I could be your brother, son, nephew, grandson, next door neighbor, pizza delivery guy, tinder date, dude sitting next to you at the bar, or the guy getting you a drink at a party. And I will not be defeated. I will not be scared by your accusations no matter how truthful or believable they are. It’s a scary time for guys like me in America. A scary time for good natured boys who take out the trash when mom asks and hold the door for strangers. I overcame many obstacles to get where I am and I will not be silenced by the emboldened women who make accusations about me no matter how honest they are. My mom didn’t raise me to take no for an answer. I will continue to go after what I deserve, even if I didn’t ask or get permission. No one can stop me from getting what I want. I won’t be shamed for going after what I want, no matter how much they say no or resist. I was taught to claim what I deserve. I will not be scared into acting against my wishes out of fear of reprisal for allegations made against me, even if they have an ounce of accuracy. I will not let the fear of a woman ruining my life with a single accusation deter me from living my life. And all she did was repeatedly hit me, she never said no! A STICKY SITUATION
What Terrifies Me Most? BY HUBERT FRALSON
Around Halloween, people always ask me questions about my greatest fears so here are my top ten greatest fears: 1. Being Alone 2. Women 3. The #metoo movement 4. Happiness 5. The EE bus at night 6. World Peace 7. Reality 8. Being gay 9. Boys who say they are telling their parents that I told them to come to my house for wrestling practice. 10. My Penis 11. George Clooney’s Batman 12. Going to a WNBA Game 13. Being a Cleveland Brown 14. Doing a cartwheel 15. Brett Kavanaugh 16. Being raped by a scorpion 17. Getting my haircut by someone that isn’t an elderly Italian man 18. Daylight 19. Trusting someone 20. Lions
Wednesday, October 10th, 2018
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ARTS
“Watch the new Denim movie guys”
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BLOOD CLIFFORD BY LOU SKUNT
PHIL MURPHY’S BASEMENT BY LOU SKUNT
TRAPPED AT CHILI’S BY RICHARD HERTZ
TRUMP’S DICK BY DANDY COUGH/MAN
PERSONALS
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Wednesday, October 10th, 2018
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“Now with 200% less debatably offensive humor!”
Wife wars
Don’t do retail
Obscure Opinions
Is it true they closed the conveninece stores to the esports club could have LAN centers? How is that fair? I need snacks! (Better yet, they probably won’t open for another year or four.)
Nintendo fanboys can eat my ass.
Wait, is this a THIRD guy doing personals?
(I wasted an entire column on this last week, we’re not starting this again.)
Nope, it’s the same guy from last week. The other editors just made me calm down a bit.
The Medium? More like Hot take: Perfect Cherry the Small. Blossom has a consisThe guy in the room next (I can’t believe you think tently better soundtrack, to me keeps screaming you’re the first one to make but Embodiment of that joke. It’s like when an about how he’s going to item doesn’t scan at check- Scarlet Devil has better kill his roommate and out and EVERYONE says songs. I’m concerned... ’oh, guess it’s free’ and ex- Dude, no one knows what (They might just be playing pects me to laugh like it’s your talking about... except Mario Party or something. not the fifth time that hour.) me, and I agree 100%. It gets pretty rough.) Are you okay? Not enough Jew jokes Samus from Smash Bros (I worked retail all summer, last week. is a top tier waifu. of course I’m not okay.) (Dude, I know, I’m gonna (Saying waifu unironically Is there anywhere I can have to bring it up with is disgusting, and you’re watch wholesome LGBT the other editors... or, you a degenarate for doing so. pornos? could come to our meetings Also Samus is FROM Meand submit your own controid, she just happens to (I don’t have an answer, but tent!) be in Smash. Regardless, I’m publishing this here because I’d also like to know.) you’re correct.) Nostalgia Trip I think I hooked up with My husband’s been You ever wonder what spending a lot of time a vampire, this guy was the kids from Cyberchase with his girlfriend recent- really into bloodplay did when they grew up? ly, which is nice for them and left before sunrise. but I feel a little ignored. (I don’t know, might’ve (Shit, man, now I do. Probably went into computer (Tell him! These kinds of re- been a kinky guy with com- science or some shit like lationships take open, hon- mitment issues. Make sure that. Except Matt, he’s a est communication. Or just it’s overcast next time you failed standup comic.) get spend more time with go outside, though, just to be safe.) your bf, that’ll show him.) What the hell, man, why’re you roasting Matt HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SQUIRREL? like that? Wanted for stealing bagels from students (He reminds me of me an uncomfortable amount.) Real talk, I wanted to be on Fetch with Ruff Ruffman when I was a kid.
(Anyone who didn’t watch PBS Kids growing up has no idea what we’re talking about. My apologies, not just for the confusion, but for your sad childhood.)
Build shit with us at our pitch meetings. Seriously, we need actual funny people. We haven’t had any good writers in years. It could be you! What are you waiting for? Wednesday @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center 111
Sakai is down, what do I do?? (The sky’s the limit! Watch YouTube, play games, talk to your friends, browse reddit, masturbate, learn an instrument, do some other homework, get some personal projects done, go for a walk, read a book...) I meant what do I do, I have homework due and I don’t know if I’m able to do it. What do I do? (I dunno, man, you said the word do a lot. Email the professor, I guess? I don’t think you’ll get in trouble for not being able to do something you weren’t able to... yeah, who am I kidding, you’re fucked.)
QOTW
“The future ain’t what it used to be.“ -Yogi Berra
Emus.
Extras
What are some good podcasts to listen to?
Unpopular opinion,
(Don’t judge me, it can’t be any worse than the crap you do to last longer in bed. Loser.)
Is it just me or is Knuckles more fun to play in Sonic Mania than Sonic?
(I’m just gonna cut you (I was gonna recommend off there, because I have a mine, but the other editors strong feeling you’re not gonna say anything even said I wasn’t allowed to...) slightly unpopular.) I want to play gameboy games in class but emu- You see those kids who paradise is down and have run ins with their I don’t trust anywhere friends on campus and say hi or go eat someelse. (I’ve been having the same thing together? How do I issue, yeah. Soon as I find get that? another good site I’ll inca- (Come join The Medium, I pacitate the regular editor have an awkward encounso I can let you all know.) ter with the other editors Is emuparadise a site AT LEAST every other dedicated to the glory month!) that is Emus? Okay but there’s NO evi(It should be! They’re in- dence that Kavanaugh credibly underrated birds, actually did anything. won a war for crying out (I feel like with the whole loud, they deserve apprecia- trial going on everyone tion.) kind of forgot his politics Are you intentionally suck and he has a really bad Seriously, making lines with half a temperament. word at the end so you there’s other reasons not to approve him.) have to write less?
(You could make a case for it, yeah. He’s definitely more manageable to control... actually, Sonic is de(Are you really expecting batably the WORST charquality content from stu- acter in mania....) dent run satire papers?) This is normally where Hamilton is overrated you put your degenerate and the soundtrack isn’t humor, so I’m filling the space so you can’t. even that good. (First of all, it’s almost (Thanks, man. It’s been a 2019, direct your comments rough night, but I’m proud earlier in the decade. Sec- of myself.) ondly, you’re wrong.) You just did it again! Also that was completely uncalled for, what the hell?
PAGE A7
Wednesday, October 10th, 2018
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“ I DID MY WAITING. TWELVE YEARS OF IT-”
Out Now: “Denim” Starring Tom Hardy
NEW RELEASE: Ja Rule 34
THIS IS A GRAY BOX I NEED MORE CONTENT...ORIGINAL CONTENT IF YOU LIKE PRODUCING ORIGINAL CONTENT AKA OC YOU SHOULD COME TO A PITCH MEETING WEDNESDAYS LOCATED @ ROOM 201B LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN SAVE ME PLEASE SAVE US ALL... SEE YA WEDNESDAY :)
October 10th, 2018 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com IT'S OFFICIAL: CLEVELAND IS THE WORST SPORTS CITY IN AMERICA
C LE V E LA ND C AVA LI E R S ' HOME GAMES ATT E NDA N C E FA LLS F RO M 2 0,562 TO 10 ROBIN BANKS CHEATER
CLEVELAND— The “Lebron Effect” is in full effect in Cleveland, Ohio. During the 2017-2018 season, the Cavaliers were averaging a home game attendance of 20,562, which is full capacity for the Quicken Loans Arena. However, on Saturday’s game versus the Boston Celtics, there was an NBA record low attendance of 10 people. Among the spectators was Cleveland Cavaliers’ obviously self-named super fan, LBJ23 and a visibly dejected Cavaliers owner, Dan Gilbert. Many analysts argue that the reason for such a low attendance is because of a recent rumor that all of the Cleveland players were infected with a highly contagious strain of syphilis from their offseason partying. While this is highly likely to be true, it is widely argued that the loss of the kid
Party For Ten Children birthday parties are more exciting
from Akron resulted in this low attendance. Surprisingly missing from the game were the families of the Cleveland players. A report by the Quicken Loans Arena reported that a grand total of zero family members showed
up to Saturday’s game. This is a stark contrast from last season where of the 60 seats that were reserved for family, all were occupied. When asked whether or not their families only came to the games to watch Lebron, most players vehemently
denied such suggestions. The most surprising explanations given by the players include: “My dog ate the tickets” and “My grandmother died for the fifth time”. After the game, The Medium, wearing full body suits, gained exclusive access to the Cavaliers’ locker room. Although spirits were low, a few of the players had high hopes for their futures. A surprisingly sober JR Smith quipped, “We goin’ all the way this year. We went to the Finals last year, but this time we gettin’ another ring”. When asked about Lebron James’s departure from the team, Smith added, “Bron leavin’ definitely hurt. But what everyone forgets is that Lebron wasn’t the whole team. We still got Love, Tristan, and Collin.”* . *Editor’s Note: Remember that after you have an abysmal record this upcoming season.
THE POWER OF NEW YORK
YANKE E S FA NS B OYC OT T A NY T HING RELATED TO BO S TO N: R E D LO B S T E R G O E S BANKRUPT ROBIN BANKS YANKEES FAN
NEW YORK— With the ALDS between the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox underway, the bitter rivalry between the two cities has been rekindled. Fans of both cities, wondering whether a team will win the next game causes their overall health to suffer. However, that is not the only thing suffering this postseason. Beginning on October 8, Yankees fans across the country have agreed to boycott all things related to Boston, including lobster.
Boycott Red Lobster Hey, bring your kids
With over 70 locations in the Tri-State area, Red Lobster futures indicate an imminent bankruptcy for the company as
of all the leftover lobsters. “We have about 300 lbs. of lobster stored in our freezer right now. With a freeze life of a couple of days, they’re bound to spoil.”, said Rhett Stevens, manager and employee of the month. With Yankees fans devoid of their lobster, they will look towards the Raritan River for their seafood needs. In the meantime, Red Lobster is negotiating a deal with Rutgers a result of this boycott. Many University to hand over all the Red Lobster managers are less possibly spoilt lobsters for next worried about the state of the semester’s King Neptune Night. jobs than the careful distribution
frustrated with chris ash SInce 1970