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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
Oct. 17th, 2018
VOLUME LVI ISSUE IIII I 50¢ KILLING RETAIL AND ANYONE ELSE THE U.S. DOESN'T LIKE
JEFF BEZOS: 'THE US NEEDS TO BE DEFENDED, GIVE ME MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS' THROBIN WILLIAMS TRAPPED IN A BOARD GAME
SEATTLE-- On monday Bezos said that he thinks tech giants shouldn’t turn down work with the US government. Speaking at a technology conference, Bezos made it very clear that he is ready to accept a shit-ton of money from the US’s exorbitant military budget of about $700 billion. “Only an idiot would pass up the kind of money that the United States will spend on weapons.” This is the largest military budget in the country’s history, and Jeff Bezos is willing to dive in head first. Amazon has already begun the process of killing off every shopping mall in the United States and is ready to do the same to companies who sell weapons to the government like Lockheed Martin, Boeing
Bus Driver Wanted for Chopping Off Student's Arm in Door Rutgers Invites, Uninvites, Invites, Breaks Up With Speaker
EXACTLY THE MOVE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WANT MADE This isn't scary or alarming at all!
and Raytheon. SVP of business and corporate development Jeff Blackburn also weighed in on the development of weapons at Amazon. “This is going to be phenomenal for our country and for Amazon. We’re going to make so much
money I’ll be able to build a second pool house for my dog. Oh and we’re definitely focused on keeping the US safe. Number one priority right there.” Bezos’ remarks come after Google pulled their bid on a contract to analyze drone Continued on Page 2
RAD SCOOTER TRICK OR TREAT?
WALMART RECALLS 65,000 CASES OF HALLOWEEN CANDY AFTER RAZOR SCOOTERS FOUND IN MINI CHOCOLATE BARS SNOT JOPLIN AIR SNEEZER
Each year, the arrival of crisp autumn air signals the arrival of a chilly new set of concerns for the parents of young children. As the days grow shorter and colder, dangerous twilight hours seem to take up entire afternoons. The sweet muse of summertime has shed her festive clothes, and the dark garb she retains in her old age only serves to remind us of her inevitable decay and demise. It’s common knowledge that disturbing events just happen more often at this spooky time of year, and attentive parents nationwide are drawing up the windowsashes and keeping their little
QUICKIES
A DELICIOUS BUT DANGEROUS TREAT You don't want to end up with a scooter in your mouth this Halloween!
ones indoors. On Halloween night however, letting one’s kids wander around outside after dark is just part of the parenting job. Any number of horrific
outcomes are on the table when middle-schoolers dressed as Black Panther are roaming the streets, Continued on Page 2
Puffin' That Gas Since 1970
Non-Binary Student Decides to Just Pee in Bottle in Car Dow Plunges into Bucket of Water Bobbing for Apples Man Will Definitely Do Something Productive Tomorrow Foot Locker Announces Plans to Make Shoes for People Born With Two Left Feet, One Right Foot
the Medium
NEWS
Rutgers LGBT Club Rescinds Honorary Membership For Saudi Prince Bin Salman After Trump Endorsement SUE DENIM DOESN'T DRIVE ANYWAY
NEW BRUNSWICK— Following Trump’s endorsement of the Saudi Arabian Prince Mohammed Bin Salman, the Rutgers LGTBQIA+ has rescinded the honorary membership bestowed to him. The membership was offered to him for his progressive policies in the very traditional country of Saudi Arabia. Bin Salman’s plan for the moderation of Saudi Arabia includes policies such as encouraging women to drive, relaxing regulations on women’s guardianship laws, and just general “stop fucking persecuting your constituents” ideas. The Rutgers LGBT club rallied behind this hopeful outlook of a political shift in the Middle East, optimistic that this would be the start of a new era of change for the region. When the news broke about the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi by the Saudi government, as well as the numerous civilian deaths in the waged war on Yemen. This news, however, didn’t change Rutgers LGBT’s decision on the matter. The decision to rescind was only changed
once the prince was similarly endorsed by President Trump. “We were really hoping that this guy would be different, that he would be the chosen one to bring radical Islamic countries out of their destitute regimes and be the savior of the Muslim people there,” said club president Brian Langston, with a solemn look in his eye. “It is just a damn shame that he had to be one of Trump’s people all along.” Trump endorsed the Saudi leader on Twitter, citing his prowess as a “POWERFUL military leader who never backs down because of silly things like innocent muslim deaths.” Journalists around the world have rightfully expressed their concerns at the rise of Bin Salman's power. This, coupled with Russia's proclivity for missing jounalists, has instilled a fairly justified fear for human rights lovers. The Rutgers civil rights associated organization, however, has expressed that they haven’t gotten too fazed from this development, since everything will be fixed anyway when Bernie is elected in 2020.
DO YOU ALSO THINK PRINTED MEDIA IS DUMB? WE'VE DECIDED TO FINALLY GET WITH THE TIMES AND GO 'ON THE LINE' WWW.ISSUU.COM/RUTGERSMEDIUM WWW.RUTGERSTHEMEDIUM.WORDPRESS.COM @THEMEDIUMRU ON TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM
Fall 2018
themedium.news@gmail.com
"Does anyone know how to get vomit out of a goose down comforter?"
SOMEONE'S BOUND TO LISTEN
Editorial Staff
Wednesday, Oct. 17th, 2018
Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Managing Editor Marissa Schwartz Business Manager Shaina Joseph Mascot Sick New Brunswick Cat
PURE MILITARY FORCE DELIVERED BY DRONE
...OR DO THEY?
...continued from front
to Become a Real-Life Iron Man'” The internet is already spinning wild theories about the CEO using the contract money to develop a highly dangerous super-suit capable of firing lasers, shooting rockets and brief space travel. President Donald Trump weighed in on the matter on twitter after concerns about the giant sum of money being spent on the military were expressed all over the social media platform. “I absolutely trust that Jeff Bezos will put America’s interests first when using this dangerous, beautiful, POWERFUL technology. It’s not like Amazon is clearly trying to take over the world or anything. Shortly after Bezos decided to take Amazon down the path of weapons manufacturing, the company announced that they will also be rolling out a currently unnamed smart-watch to compete with the Apple Watch. Not much information was released but it has been confirmed that the watch will take multiple DNA, blood and tissue samples for ‘testing’.
imagery technology. “We already have the whole ‘all the private data of most us citizens’ thing going for us, we just don’t really feel the need to expand into weaponry. Like they say, knowledge is power.” When asked what kind of technology Amazon would be developing under the contract Bezos rattled off a list of things like a ‘new and improved’ versions of the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter Jet, AH-64 Apache Helicopter and A10 Warthog. But before Amazon can ‘get their hands all over that’ the company will focus on cyber-security. After discussion of very specific military terminology every American is born knowing he hinted at a new secret project. “There may or may not be room within this contract for me to begin working on a personal project that is very similar to a popular superhero in the Marvel Universe. I’m not really supposed to say anything else, but I can say that the project will cost nearly $150 billion and is called ‘Project: I’m Definitely Not Using Government Money
TASTY TRANSPORTATION DON'T BITE THOSE SOFT FOAM GRIPS from kidnapping to vehicular manslaughter to finding a corpse in the woods with your friends and gradually drifting apart as your adult lives become more complex but not entirely satisfying, and one of you gets stabbed. The concerns of worried moms and dads everywhere were redoubled last week when Walmart stores across New Jersey implemented massive recalls of Halloween candy. The retail giant announced Thursday that thousands of cases of fun-sized candy bars had been found contaminated with razor scooters. Biting into an original razor kick-scooter is a recipe for dental disaster, and local parents are outraged. Donna Schatz of Bound Brook counts herself among the News Editors Dan Cretella Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Jeff Zhang Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
...continued from front
many parents that will be boycotting Walmart this fall. “You expect a certain standard from a standby hypermarket like Walmart,” said the mother of two at a demonstration outside of the retailer’s North Brunswick location. “This is either a huge oversight or a targeted attack on innocent children. My child could have ingested a lightweight aircraftgrade aluminum T-tube this Halloween and I would have been none the wiser." Walmart has not responded to our request for comment, but all listings of two-wheeled transportation had been quietly removed from their online store as of Monday night, and a large scale recall had been reported at some locations. Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Zoe Sifnakis Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field Ben Shapiro
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 201B. This issue is dedicated to our Editor-in-Chief's Grandmother for never believing in him!
Wednesday, October 17th, 2018 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
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“Hey guys, remember me, the old features editor!”
HALLOWEEN, MORE LIKE HELLOWEEN
VENTI INTERESTING
What Fall Beverage Are You? By Nifty Knitter What article of clothing do you wear to scream fall? A) A fresh pair of corduroys B) Colorful scarves C) Flannels D) Latex bodysuit What makes you scream in the fall? A) Ghosts B) Getting lost in corn mazes C) Black cats D) Serial killers What do you like best about fall? A) Leaves B) Pumpkins C) Soup D) The air sick with melancholy, the sky thick with clouds What fall do you prefer? A) Summer B) Spring C) Winter D) Fall Mostly A’s: You’re a Pumpkin Spice Latte. You’re sweet and welcoming and remind everyone of their mom’s home cooked Thanksgiving dinner. You are also very versatile, are you a fruit or vegetable? Who knows, you taste delicious as a coffee flavor. Mostly B’s: Hot Apple Cider. You’ve got a little kick to you! Don’t be fooled, you are not just a fruit juice, you have a special depth to you and taste great mixed with with a dash of fireball. Mostly C’s: Candy corn Macchiato. Spoooky. You have been pumped for Halloween since last Halloween. Mostly D’s: Hemlock Tea. Okay Mr. Edgy, don’t take yourself too seriously. While you may be poisonous, you are a friend to all.
REVERSION THERAPY?
10 Ways to Help Turn Your Roommate Gay By Trent Ton
Hey gay men got a cute roommate? Ever wished they were gay? Well the Christians still believe in conversion therapy so I think it’s time we made our own. 1.While he sleeps whisper “Yaaaaassssss Queen” in his ear 2.Offer him back rubs all the time. Jocks are sluts for back rubs 3.Watch Call Me By Your Name XXX with him (it’s just the peach scene on loop) 4.Make constant prolonged eye contact with him no matter the context 5.Upgrade his wardrobe and replace all his boxers with cute jock straps 6.Show him Tom Holland’s ass 7.Convince him to put Grindr on his phone by saying its a weed app. 8.Invite him to Party n Play (kids dont look this up) 9.Bend Over real low and slow whenever you change your pants while subtly making eye contact 10.Volunteer to be “Bottom Bunk”
Top 10 Hellish Halloween Life Hacks: Tips to Make Sure This is a Holiday to By Baphomet Johnson
1. Scour current events and pop culture to find the perfect costume to really wow your fellow holiday hooligans. 2. After you forgot to do anything until the last minute, just by some random fucking mask at your local CVS and use part of costumes from previous years. 3. Set up a fun bad horror movie night where you and your closest friends bond over the shitty halloween cash grabs from yesteryear. 4. Being the comedic genius that you are, carve a pumpkin into something obscene like a penis or a butt. Hilarious, gets me everytime. 5. Decorate your home with some do-it-yourself arts and crafts. You can make spiders out of pipe cleaners, and pumpkins out of paper plates and paint. This really makes the holiday feel more like your own. 6. Break into a cemetary at least 20 miles from your home, that way the police will have a harder time finding a culprit. 7. Dig up graves until you find the correct conduit for the dark one, must be someone fresh and worthy of our righteous all father. 8. Remove everything from your refrigerator including the selves and the drawers. It’ll take a few times but he’ll fit, trust me. 9. ON ALL HALLOWS EVE PERFORM THE RITUAL SO THAT WE CAN UNLEASH OUR DEVILISH MASTER ONTO THE WORLD SO THAT WE CAN TAKE OUR RIGHTFUL PLACE AS GODS AMONG THESE PATHETIC MORTALS. 10. Buy the full size candy bars you cheap fuck.
PROMISING JOB OFFER
HELP WANTED
Are you a witch/wizard? Sorcerer/Sorceress? Genie? Extradimensional Temporally Isolated Super Being? Looking to make a quick and easy buck? The Make-A-Wish Foundation has an open position just for you! For reasons we can’t disclose, our previous wizard has gone inexplicably missing, and we need a new one!!!! All you need to do is grant the wishes of terminally ill children! Compensation set at standard rate of $4.35 USD/wish What are you waiting for? Use your magical abilities to the fullest, by granting sick kids ponies, DisneyWorld trips, and John Cena visits, insead of actually curing their diseases
PAID FOR BY THE MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION OF NEPAL
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 17th, 2018
“We apoligize for the previous remarks here, please ignore them”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What is Your Favorite Film to Watch During the Holloween Season? “Cars 3.” Jonothan Femper Lost family in car crash.
“No films, just compilations of holocaust footage.” Kyle Freizer Swears he’s Jewish
“Just your good old fashioned BDSM porn.” Carl Lelkins Won’t let people in his basement
A PASSIONATE REBUTTLE
I Do Not Look Like Trump’s Dick BY TOADSTOOL Fuck You, Stormy Daniels. You ruined my life. After you compared me to Trump’s dick, I have never been the same. I have never felt uncomfortable in my own body before your vicious attacks. Now all I see is an ugly shit who looks like a gross dick. You made me ashamed of who I am. But now, they don’t go near me. They won’t even say hello to me anymore. Nobody will. Not even my wife, Toadatte. When she heard about your comparison, she could only see me as Trump’s dick. Our sex life has never been the same. It has been non-existent actually. She left me. One night when I was sleeping, she drove off with the kids in my fucking KART. She took my fucking Kart from me. How am I supposed to race now? That Kart was my life. My pride and joy. I took such good care of it. I got it washed and polished almost every day. I made sure it has fresh gas in the tank. I got only the best tires for my baby girl. The Happiest day of my life was when I finished building my kart. That kart meant everything to me and you took it away from me Stormy Daniels. My wife left a letter saying she left me because I am an awful father and never paid attention to our family but I know it was because of you. She just didn’t want to admit it. But now I’m making a comeback. I’m building a new kart. It’s going to be the fastest car on the track. Rainbow Road will have nothing on me. After months of counseling, I’m beginning to feel comfortable in my own body again. I will be back on top of the leaderboard shortly. In the future, I hope you think before you speak because your words can be hurtful. But keep not thinking when you use your body because you have some sick movies. I’m a huge fan. I always watched one of your films after a rough day on the track. You were always there for me when I needed you the most. Maybe one day I can guest star and you can see what a real dick feels like. I wish you all the best in your career. But fuck you for ruining my life.
A TRUE REVOLUTIONIST
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
I Am a Feminist Male, No Really! BY TED FELDER
I Like Women for the way they really look, if I like the way they look. I believe that all women are beautiful, specifically the women that are beautiful. All the good looking women that I’ve seen are good-looking. I have never talked to a woman who was not good looking, never! Sometimes women wear too much makeup, it’s not attractive. I like it when good looking women are naturally good looking. Sometimes I see a woman putting on makeup and I look at her and I let her know what I think, I tell her she doesn’t need makeup to impress a guy and she’s only putting it on because she’s such a freaking dumb b***h who doesn’t realize she’s hot without the makeup that stupid arrogant dumb piece of crap whore….but I digress. Ugh, it’s so hard to speak plainly these days without saying what you really mean. Anyway, I love women’s bodies, I love them so much, I buy Dove. I think it’s pronounced dove, like into the pool.(I heard a friend say that once, his name was Dov.) I bought my favorite body wash in the shape of my favorite body type, the pear(surfboard?). I think Dove is going to change the way women think about their bodies, all the time. Women should think about their bodies all the time.
A LESSON OF SAFETY
What Will and Won’t Corrupt your Children BY JENNY TULL
Alright, I’ve heard a lot of people complaining about how movie and video game rating systems work. Well listen here, because I’m a mother and I know what I’m talking about, I’m gonna give you THE definitive explanation for why things are the way they are. The main point I’m going to be arguing against is: “why can so many scenes with blood and violent make it in to PG-13 movies or T-rated games, but any nudity makes it rated M or R or higher?” For example, someone getting shot and blood getting anywhere can make it in to a T-rated game, but if a woman’s breast is shown, it’s immediately rated M. Well here’s the main flaw in their argument: underage people seeing nudity is traumatizing. People shouldn’t even think about having sex until they’re at least 18, and seeing a woman naked is definitely going to give underage boys sinful thoughts. The MPAA and ESRB are there to protect not only the young children playing games and watching movies, but to protect our society as a whole. So, you may ask, why is showing blood acceptable? Because people are used to seeing blood! What child hasn’t injured themselves in some way that requires a band-aid or more? By the time someone’s allowed to play a T-rated game, they’re used to blood, so seeing someone get violently injured and lie in a pool of blood isn’t traumatizing! Death and violence is a part of life, but sexuality most certainly isn’t.
Wednesday, October 17th, 2018
themedium.arts@gmail.com
ARTS
“The Garden State Parkway is the reason claustrophia exists”
MUSHROOM KINGDOM FAPPIN’ BY LOU SKUNT
the Medium
RT 18 ROAD KILL BBQ BY LOU SKUNT
PEPE LE “DRUG MULE” PEW PEW BY LOU SKUNT
21ST CENTURY ART EXHIBIT DICK OF THE WEEK BY LOU SKUNT
PERSONALS
the Medium Relationship Advice I have thoroughly enjoyed the last two issues of Personals. (Then you are going to be like my parents, as in extremely disappointed. This is your regular Personals editor coming back from a depression break. ) The only reason I’m not dating anyone is no one has asked.
Wednesday, October 17th, 2018
“Now a weekly twitter complition!”
(Cont’d)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
QOTW
Personal Hygiene
Do people not like me because of my personality or excessive gas? (Is that how people behave in the fall? An endless line (Take some Gas-X to make of girls ordering PSL is sure it’s because of your personality.) scary enough.) Stick a pumpkin up my ass.
I understand why my parents don’t love me now cuz I wouldn’t love me as a child either.
(Ouch. Relatable.)
Is it weird that I use dog shampoo on my pubes?
(I use my pube shampoo to wash my neighbor’s dog, so I think it’s okay?)
“Boo.“ -People at Tyler Perry’s movies
I either have the superpower of getting sober (Winter is around the corner and I’m getting a lot of (No. Not since when I was very quickly, or I just these in my inbox. I’m just a child.) drunk drove a lot. putting this out: please tell You can’t go up to girls (Please don’t drink and people when you have a and say that hymens drive. For the sake of not crush on them.) giving college students liv(Especially me cuz I am have lost their evolutioning on Easton the relief they very lonely and I look great ary value. want.) in coats.) (True. But also you can’t Does camouflaging my Hey there. I’m a guy and go up to guys and say it’s entire body laying in amKnowledge I’ve made out with a lot weird that they cut a little bush in a pile of leaves to of guys, but I don’t think bit of dicks off.) jump unsuspecting com- What are some good podI’m gay and/or bi? My friends broke up a mies count as fall aesthet- casts to listen to? (It happens fairly com- few weeks ago and now ics? (Serial really taught me how monly. Or I have been lied I have to pick a side to (Happy fall (of the ideology to commit crimes and cover to. But if other people start hang out with. of communism)!) it up in the justice system. a kiss lean just go with it.) (Yeah. That’s why I’m not Modern Love made me cry dating. For my friends. Health & Lifestyle weekly. So take your pick.) Is sex supposed to hurt? Not because I’m mentally (Only when you want to unstable and really really I drink a healthy amount Why is Calc 135 so unnecessarily hard? I’m of alcohol. feel alive. So yes, unless you picky.) gonna fail this exam. don’t want it to hurt.) (Does that mean not at all? But I don’t think any (I’m gonna recommend you healthy person has ever drop your major cuz there’s HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SQUIRREL? a good chance you are gonWanted for stealing bagels from students used that setence.) na take 151/152 and wanna How many pumpkin fla- die.) vored donuts am I supposed to eat to feel alive On the topic of exam and dying, I wanna die cuz of inside? the midterms. (The practice of eating fried (Just stop calling them midsweet dough to feel alive it- terms. They are just exams. self doesn’t make sense in Just close your eyes and the beginning. Please stop.) take them as they come.) I stepped in goose shit on Mario + Danny Devito = Busch and trailed it back Wario. to my apartment, what (You are absolutely correct. should I do? I think that’s how they de(Clean it up before the Livi signed him.) bear tracks it back to you Have we mentioned that and eat you at night.) Halloween is Christmas What’s some good pieces for Goths? of fall clothings? I think (No. Weird old dudes climbs I’m running out of fashdown the chimney, eats ion choices. your cookies, and leaves coal under the pine (You are asking the wrong Build shit with us at our pitch meetings. person. I’m just a sweater black tree? Christmas is ChristSeriously, we need actual funny and sports jacket delivery mas for Goths. system in the fall. Can win- Why did we still celebratpeople. We haven’t had any ter come faster? Like I said, good writers in years. It could be you! I look really good in coats.) ing Columbus day? That guy murdered and raped Is the paint used on What are you waiting for? a lot of people. pumpkin art safe to eat? Wednesday @ 7:45pm Cuz it’s WAY too late if (We are still celebrating Christmas when the Church Livingston Student Center not. moved to December just to 117D (I’m gonna skip the ambu- tell the pagans to suck it. So lence and call you a conon- meh, what can you do?) er. ) Are you okay?
Complaints You just made two Christmas jokes in a row. Do you hate Christmas? (Thank you for not assuming I’m just Jewish.) Why are you still around? We have twitter now, don’t we? (You don’t get twitter on paper once a week. So the joke’s on you. Ha ha... ha ha ha... ha. *sobs*) Hey would you help me out? I’m very sad and I’d like a few dollars. (So that’s an excuse for money now? I’m gonna ask that constantly now. ) Hi. It’s me again. I’m starting to think you are not posting all of my dick content. (Ah. Yes. We in the edit room have tried to give you a nickname and the best we’ve come up with is girl dick guy. So we are not giving you any space till we can give you a better nickname.) Did anyone notice how they cancelled a speaker because the student government protested? What’s up with that?
(You try not passing a bill when 50 angry muslim students stand in the back and claimed the speaker is antimuslim because of a false quote. I’d say something but you know, most of people don’t want to crucified because of something like that. )
Wednesday, October 17th, 2018
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PAGE A7
“ You know if you just give yourself a chance you would see what we see.”
Politics Aside, We Can All Agree ALF Is The Most Fuckable Cast Member of “ALF”
the Medium
Do Not Take MDMA On Picture Day
By Dandy Cough-Man Licks Stamps
We live in an era riddled with political dissent, protest, and unforeseen chaos, but whether you’re a Democrat or Republican one thing is for certain, ALF is easily the most fuckable cast member on “ALF”. It doesn’t matter what your values are, if you want tax breaks or free college, if you love guns or hate them, if you believe in using natural resources or saving the planet, deep down in your pants you long for ALF. Whether he’s being rude, speaking crude, or eating cats, you want an “ALF” with ALF, the first “ALF” of course standing for “A Long Fuck”. Growing up in New Jersey, my family was always very liberal, our neighbors however were staunch Republicans. Things were civil, most of the time, however it could get ugly quick with my parents fighting with our neighbors. “But how could you support his policies?? He’s getting innocent people killed!” “So what?? I’m sorry but certain sacrifices just have to be made.” “THIS IS CRAZY ARE YOU-” “STOP!!” I would scream, “Stop it! Please, you’re tearing the neighborhood apart! Guys c’mon don’t you remember?” They look at me, in silent shame. “Who would you have sex with from ALF?” Our neighbor, Dale replies, “ALF.” I turn to my mother, “Mom?” She sighs and says, “ALF.” The three of us begin to cry, we hug it out. Anytime things begin to look bleak, I just remind myself that no matter what our beliefs are or who we vote for, all of us want to bang that sweet, sweet ALF.
THIS IS A GRAY BOX I WOULD WRITE MORE BUT I NEED TO MEET SOMEONE SORRY YOU JUST WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND WE’RE ONLINE NEXT WEEK LIKE, FAVORITE, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE, SHARE, RETWEET, FOLLOW, UNFOLLOW, AND BUY OUR MERCH VISIT: rutgersthemedium.wordpress.com @themediumRU And now on the Facebook YOU WON’T WANNA MISS THIS ONE SEE YA IN CYBERSPACE, WEB SURFERS
FAQs on Time Travel By Dandy Cough-Man Falls Over Q: Can I kill baby Hitler and prevent WW2? A: You can kill baby Hitler, however you will create an alternate timeline in which his mother becomes the Hitler we know today. Q: Can I watch my parents conceive me? A: I mean...you could...if that’s what you’re into? Q: Can I use time travel to give myself credit for inventing time travel? A: If you can find the blueprints for the first time machine, you could bring it to your time, however the only way to make people believe you is if you gather the necessary materials and build it yourself.
October 17th, 2018 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com STAY THIRSTY MY FRIENDS
RYAN
LOCHTE SWIMS IN POOL OF SMIRNOFF: GOES TO REHAB.
A MAN IN HIS NATURAL HABITAT LOCHTE CHILLING POOLSIDE BEFORE REHAB
BY ROBIN BANKS
ANGELES— On October 5, 2018, decorated Olympian and all-around wreck Ryan Lochte entered rehab for alcohol addiction. LOS
Many people, upon hearing the news, were not surprised at all. From the embarrassing false report of being robbed during the Rio 2016 Summer Olympics to many, many rehab visits,
Lochte has had countless run ins with the law. However, what makes this rehab visit (interesting?) is the backstory. Lochte had sworn that he had gone sober for the past two years. However, a probe into the local YMCA where Lochte trains tells a different story. An investigation filed by the Los Angeles Sheriff’s office discovered that the 2.5 megaliter pool was not filled with its usual chlorinated water and bloodied Band-Aids. Rather, it was filled with pure Smirnoff Vodka. As a result, Ryan Lochte’s blood alcohol level was .88, nearly eleven times the legal limit. A normal human would have instantly passed out within the first lap, however, given his history, Mr. Lochte was not affected the very least. Rather, he vehemently denied having that much liquor in the pool. “Usually I ask for a
half and half. Half Smirnoff and half chlorine. Someone must’ve screwed up”. To prevent Mr. Lochte from completely killing himself, his agent has forced him to go through rehab once more, hoping to turn his life around once more. Given that Halloween is right around the corner and many Rutgers frat bros will be dressing up in their favorite pink speedos, The Medium reached out to a couple of them regarding this news. Chad Livingston, proud brother of Chi Psi Delta Nu Kappa Yada Yada Yada, proudly said, “2.5 megaliters? That’s all? We go through that during Halloweekend itself.” In the background, one of the brothers were calculating how many Valiums would be needed to “spice up the mix”. Whatever that means. In the meantime, stay hydrated Rutgers.
Ten Ways to Mourn As a Yankee Week Six of RUTGERS Football: by the numbers Fan
BY ROBIN BANKS
1 Don't if you're a Sox Fan 2
6
Play with your Yankees bobble heads
7
Drown in a pool of fellow Wear blue and white until Yankees fan tears next spring
3
8
Buy your own casket and paint it Yankees pinstripes
Jump into the Hudson
contribue to its economy
Drive to Jersey City and go for a stroll
4 Go to the Bronx and 5 into
Sneak Yankees Stadium one last time
9
10
Burn anything red and white you come across
8 Total passing yards
attained by Rutgers Football against Maryland this past Saturday
50
Rutgers fans who watched the game and didn't consider faking their death and starting anew as someone who doesn't like the Rutgers Football Team.
$2.2 M
Money Rutgers is somehow still paying Chris Ash for an absolute abysmal season
Crying in the club SINCE 1970
2
Total number of Division I quarterbacks needed to achieve such a historic statistic.
59,950
People who were smart enough to either leave by halftime and/or not even watch the game.
1
Very sad man named Robin Banks