This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
INSTA: @themediumRU
Oct. 31st, 2018
Volume LVI Issue IIII II 50¢ TRAP NEUTER RETURN
PETA TO EUTHANIZE THOUSANDS OF SEXY CATS AFTER HALLOWEEN THROBIN WILLIAMS SHOWER NOT A SHOWER
NEW BRUNSWICK– The group of animal rights activists expect to catch nearly 2,500 stray, sexy cats this Halloween. Chief of Animal Wranglin’ and Executing Susan Wiggins said that PETA will have vans patrolling college campuses around the country in an effort to levy stray populations. “These sexy cats are homeless, freezing, starving and are honestly better off dead. And we want to make sure that happens.” Euthanizing animals is not unfamiliar to PETA. In 2014 they put 2,455 animals down, a milestone in the animal rights community. This year they expect to surpass that number on Halloween alone.
PETA will be dedicating three armored vans equipped with infrared sensors, net guns, tear gas grenade launchers, heated seats and a Sony RSX-2 Hi-Res Music System valued at $2,600 to Rutgers New Brunswick. Continued on Page 2
ALL YOUR PARTY GUESTS ’R’ AFRAID
REANIMATED GEOFFREY THE GIRAFFE RUINS LOCAL BIRTHDAY PARTY SPOOK DENIM CHANGING NAME SOON
TEANECK— A loveable company mascot. An innocent child’s birthday. A harmless idea. At least, that was what one local mother was thinking when she booked Geoffrey the Giraffe for her son’s birthday party. What she wasn’t anticipating was a horror so visceral, Lovecraft himself would call an exorcist. In September of 2017, beloved American toy company Toys R Us declared bankruptcy following years of declining profits which caused them to lay off workers and close branches nationwide. People, naturally,
IM BACK, BABY Returned from the grave and hungry for caaaaaaake!
were pretty devastated. So when Toys R Us announced one year later in September of 2018 that they would be returning, you can imagine the joy felt in the
hearts of the American people. One New Jersey 4 year old, Matthew “Matty” Donovan, was particularly excited. Every Continued on Page 2
SLAUGHTERING GOATS Since 1970
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!! ENJOY THIS SPOOOOKY HALLOWEEN ISSUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ghost of Dead College Avenue Squirrel Wreaks Havoc at Hurtado
PUT YOUR PAWS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! Feral but still pretty hot
Nearly one third of costumes sold to women this year were stray, sexy cats. More than 85 percent of women who purchased those costumes are age 18-24, making college campuses a hot bed for strays.
SPOOKIES
U.S. Asks Canada to Pass the Blunt Oh My God Dude Where Are My Thumbs SAS Senior Discovers Minecraft, Achieves Inner Peace Hannah Montana is Pregnant, but Miley Cyrus Claims She is Not Pregnant?????
the Medium
NEWS
GRAZING THE UNDEAD SAVANNAH, ETERNALLY
FROZEN HALLOWEEN PARTYGOERS MISTAKEN FOR DECORATIONS RICHARD HURTZ BE GENTLE
NEW BRUNSWICK— After a fun night of partying on College Ave, things certainly got a lot spookier than people bargained for last Friday night. Throughout the night there were many social media posts detailing how cool these seemingly frozen statues littered throughout College Ave were. On George Street, onlookers were amazed by the detail in which the subjects were captured. One Jimothy Johnston wrote on twitter “LMAO Look At tHis HOECICLE” and posed for a picture of what he thought was a detailed decoration of a dead slutty toothpaste tube. This is particular “hoecicle” was later revealed to be 25 year old super super super senior Jeanette Claude Van Dame studying interior design. This was the
case all across campus with the social media post varying from very tasteful, as the one above, to downright offensive. On Saturday morning a total of 28 bodies were recovered from all over College-Ave. The police issued a statement by Kenneth Cop: “Thank you everybody for the concern over the lost souls on Halloween night, however this is business as usual on Halloween night. In fact, this year the frozen body count was at a record low. People just aren’t as into Halloween anymore, and quite frankly that’s a shame”. The public statement has sparked widespread controversy as people from all over become enraged a the police chief for smack talking their Halloween merry-making.
TRUNK MY TRUNK WITH YOUR TRUNK
TRUNK OR TREAT? MORE LIKE TRUNK OR TRUNK
Fall 2018
themedium.news@gmail.com
"iaintafraidofno.png"
YO CHILL OUT MAN
Editorial Staff
Wednesday, October 31st, 2018
Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Managing Editor Marissa Schwartz Business Manager Shaina Joseph Mascot Sick New Brunswick Cat
BEATING A DEAD TALL HORSE for his birthday on October 29th, he and his parents would make the pilgrimage to their local Toys R Us to pick out his present; a Donovan family tradition. The Donovans thought this tradition had died with the company, so the announcement brought new hope to their household. Although branches have yet to re-open, they decided to surprise little Matty with a visit during his birthday party from the famous company mascot, Geoffrey the Giraffe. The party was going great: Matty was cutting the first slice of birthday cake right from the fucking middle because he wanted the letter M, when screams were suddenly heard from the kids in the back. Slowly heads began to turn to the fence gate where the pittering of dripping blood was audible. There stood
...continued from front
the decaying corpse of the reanimated mascot of Geoffrey, reanimated after the death of the company, still damp from the grave. Pretty soon the screams turned to shrieks of terror. Whatever children weren’t frozen in fear were b-lining in all directions away from the walking nightmare. One parent tried calling the police, but Geoffrey was too quick, knocking the phone out of her hands. “It was as if everything that represented my childhood was tainted,” said 3 year old Sally West. “My innocence died that day.” Toys R Us has yet to release a statement answering for the incident, but the beast has been put to sleep by Wildlife Control.
MEOWING NO MORE SO SEXY ITS ALMOST INHUMANE Wiggins says all of these measures are imperative to the process of ensuring these stray, sexy cats have a dignified death. The vans will drive loops around the College Ave campus from George Street to Easton Avenue, where strays are expected to roam in high volumes. “The vans are equipped with a Sony RSX-2 Hi-Res Music System valued at $2,600” Wiggins elaborated. “We plan on blasting ‘Mo Bamba’ by Sheck Wes to attract the strayest, sexiest cats. They will then be transported to our facility in Virginia to be killed with dignity.” University President Robert Barchi has voiced his full support and loose understanding of PETA’s plans this Halloween. “I’m so sick of these fucking stray cats. Every time I park my car in town the hood, roof, windshield, everything gets covered in fucking paw prints. I say let ‘em do it.” Rutgers New Brunswick’s News Editors Dan Cretella Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Jeff Zhang Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
...continued from front
student body does not seem deterred to flaunt what they got as a super fine feline. Junior Beth Johnson is one of many who already has their sexy cat costume prepared for the spooky festivities. “There’s no way PETA would ever harm me, its PETA. They’d never kill anything, I’ll be fine!” According to Instagram, Rutgers students are already dressing up in their costumes to go to the bars. Despite these stray, sexy cats being ripe for the catching, PETA insists that they will wait until Halloween night to take action. “Our numbers show that stray, sexy cats will be out in their peak as the moon becomes encumbered in clouds on the Hallows’ Eve,” Wiggins explained. At press time, it was reported that PETA agents were getting absolutely shithoused in their vans listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd on those sweet speakers on Seminary Place. Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Zoe Sifnakis Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field Wiccans
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in the Livingston Student Center. This issue is dedicated to our scissor sister city, New Brunswick, Canada
Wednesday, October 31st, 2018 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES “Spooked enough yet?”
ALL OF THESE COSTUMES ARE SEXY
the Medium
FUCK CEREAL
Top 10 Halloween Costumes Spotted on Halloweekend
Top 5 Serial Killers that Ruined the Profession for all of us
By Girl who likes Brower
By Elon Thrust and Richard Hertz 1) Ted Cruz - A serial killer who operated in Northern California from at least the late 1960s to the early 1970s. Cruz murdered victims in Benicia, Vallejo, Lake Berryessa, and San Francisco between December 1968 and October 1969. Four men and three women between the ages of 16 and 29 were targeted. The killer sent a series of taunting letters sent to the local Bay Area press. These letters included four cryptograms (or ciphers). Of the four cryptograms sent, only one has been definitively solved. Some say Beto O’Rourke is mentioned in one of the cryptograms. 2) Jeffrey Dahmer - This bozo had to go and make serial killing a sex thing and a cannibalistic thing, now no one takes us seriously. 3) Dexter - He just wouldn’t let Dee Dee into his lab and she was just so curious. So, one day she broke in and he snapped. He went on to murder over 25 people with his sophisticated technology. 4) Joseph Stalin - I mean how can you compete with those numbers. That guy set the record for the rest of all time. The best we can do is maybe .0002% as much as him. 5) Ellen DeGeneres - You may not know, but she is one of the most savage serial killers of all time... she just hasn’t been caught yet. Also, Portia de Rossi is her assistant. Why else would Portia have almost no time to be in Arrested Development with the other characters? And just look at Ellen’s first wikipedia picture, she looks like a fucking white walker:
1) Sexy LX - 4 wheels and very wet. 2) President Barchi - age spots and pockets of cash. Then again, it may have actually been Barchi. 3) Hypersexualized versions of sexualized female characters. 4) Sexy ogre. 5) Sexy stray cat. 6) Sexy banana costume. 7) Sexy plague doctor. 8) Whatever your friend is going as, but sexy. 9) Construction worker, so you can enter construction zones. 10) The future leader of the free world.
THEY GROW UP INTO DEGENERATES SO FAST
15 Year Old is So Cool He Already Drinks And Drives By Shy Nerd I have this awesome friend who drinks and drives as a 15 year old! How do they get so cool this fast now? He vapes, drinks and drives, and even talks back to his parents! This guy is nuts. I’m in college and have never done any of those things! I’m thinking of hanging out with him and going late to class. He’s already making me cooler. Next thing you know I’ll be drinking and driving. Perfect.
DID YOU KNOW... GHOST PORN IS THE BEST KIND OF PORN?? FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND WEIRD SHIT I THINK OF AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 111 AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM!
Her popular television show serves as a great alibi. No one would ever suspect her. But she slowly plots to strike. Her kill count is unknown but I’ve heard from reliable sources on George Street that it is anywhere from 0-4000. I’d like to believe it is on the higher end. I’ve even heard that she’s been killed a few times but quickly came back to life. All the stuff she gives away on her show is actually stolen from her victims. Watch out fans, your idol is a murderer. This article serves as 100% definitive proof.
DUDE IT’S PROBABLY CUM
My Ghost Roommate Produces A Lot of Ectoplasm, I’m Getting Suspicious By Elon Thrust Hello everyone, I just wanted to vent and write down my thoughts to piece together this puzzle. My roommate is a ghost named Dave and I don’t see him around at all. However, lately I have been coming back to my room and seeing ectoplasm everywhere. I used to think that happens when he moves around a lot or gets sad or something, but I’m starting to doubt that. Sometimes in the middle of the night, I hear a faint moaning with a strange reverberation. Every time that happens, when I wake up the next morning, the ectoplasm is all over. On his bed, desk, and even a little on my side of the room. I think I’m gonna confront him about it soon.
the Medium
OPINIONS “Werewolf bar-mitzvah, spooky, scary!!!”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What Halloween Costume Gives you the Biggest Hard On? “Sexy Guy Fieri” Bobby Flay The one man who can beat him.
“Anything that is cultural appropriation” Melissa Tuya Really into hate-fucking. “Anyone dressed as me, but I don’t even think that would work” Todd Thatcher Autosexual... if that’s a thing.
IT HAS GONE TO FAR
Who Is Pickle Rick And Why Do People Keep Shouting His Name At Me?
A TRUE REVOLUTIONIST
My son is a huge fan of veggie tales and last year me and my family decided we would dress up as all the characters for halloween. My son was so happy this saturday when we went to a halloween party, but the events that occured that night may have traumatized my son. Sadly I was unable to get the deluxe edition of the costume, but the standard edition was just fine. We live in the city so unlike most of you suburbanites we walked to our friends house fo the party. It was at this point in the night the nightmare began. As we walked down the street I was greeted with my first “PICKLE RIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!” of the night. I then answered the young man “ha ha, actually I’m Larry the cucumber… you know… from Veggie Tales….” He stared at me blankly for a while and then said, “PICKLE RIIIIIIIICK!!!” and continued walking. Me and my family were confused, but we proceeded to our friends. While we walked down the street more and more people began to follow us screaming that god awful name. Who is Pickle Rick? Eventually we reached a dead end and when I turned around there were at least two hundred people staring at me. They were silent. I looked to my son and could see the fear in my eyes. It was at this moment I realized we would never make it to the party. They then all screamed that vile name and began to run towards me and my family. I knew it was me they were after, so I had my wife take our son and run to the right as I ran to the left. Luckily they were safe from the pain that would befall upon me. I shouted to my son everything will be alright and the rest of the night went black. I woke up the next morning we two broken arms, three broken ribs, and a swollen face. I don’t think my son will ever feel safe again and it is all because of Pickle Rick.
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
I Use Six Condoms to Make My Dick Feel Bigger BY SID FRANKLIN
Yes, it’s true, I have a small dick. I am sick and tired of having to hide my secret for this long. I am writing this in hopes that it will reach my fellow small dickians and bring them hope that they can still have an impressive sex life. A couple months ago a was a sad man with a small penis, probably the way many of you feel now, but I have recently been introduced to a solution that has brought back my confidence, my life, and my happiness. I use six condoms to make my dick feel so much bigger. I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous, but believe me friends it works. There are multiple reasons why this trick has beefed up my sex life by one hundred percent. The number one reason, and most obvious one is it makes it look bigger. This makes you feel better and is great at deceiving your sex partner into thinking it is large. Yes, they may think it is a bit odd that you are already wearing a condom under your clothes, but once they see the “large” size they won’t care. Reason number two: because you have so many condoms on and if you got the smallest size, the condoms will strangle your cock making it feel massive and like no condom can tame your bad boy. Lastly, due to all the friction from the multiple condoms as you do the deed the condoms will eventually rip. I know what your thinking, “why would you want the condom to rip if they will then see the actual size of your penis?” Well my micro-penised friends, that won’t matter when they are pregnant with your child, they’ll be stuck with you and it won’t matter how small you are. Good luck brothers.
GODDAMN TEENAGERS
High School Seniors Should not be Trick or Treating
BY JASON FLAVORS
Wednesday, October 31st, 2018
BY JENNY TULL
With Halloween coming up, there’s just something I have to say: if you’re older than 14, you should NOT be Trick-or-Treating. Last year, I opened the door around nine and a bunch of seniors were at my door asking for candy! I got this candy for the kids, not some freaks who think they’re still in middle school. Admittedly, they seemed like they put quite a lot of effort into their costumes, but that’s not the point! Once you’re 15, you’re past the point of getting to have fun on holidays. These “kids” should either be at home studying or giving out candy to children. Not to their friends who want free candy, children. Halloween is a time of creative expression, so why are juniors and seniors dressing up? What kind of creativity would they have to express? Besides, you all should have jobs by now. If you want candy so bad, buy some. What could you possibly have to gain by walking around with your friends all night when you could just buy some candy and eat it at home! Last year, it was about 10:30 and I was running out of candy, and these 17 year olds knock on my door. I tell them they’re too old to be Trick-or-Treating, so they say “sorry, bye” and left. They said “sorry, bye”! Can you believe how passiveaggressive these kids are? I hate this generation, they’re so rude and spoiled. If you’re over 14, don’t even think about coming to my house. All you’ll get is a cold glare and a door slammed in your face.
Wednesday, October 31st, 2018
themedium.arts@gmail.com
WOODFELLAS BY LOU SKUNT
O’ CANADANK BY SPOOK DENIM
ARTS
“Well howdy pardner”
the Medium
TRUMP FAMILY HALLOWEEN BY LOU SKUNT
CANDY CORNO DICK OF THE WEEK BY LOU SKUNT
TRUMP’S DICK BY DANDY COUGH/MAN
PERSONALS
the Medium Straight Tweets
“Now a weekly therapy session!”
Halloweeeeeen
To the girl in front of me How do I get Halloween at Starbucks: How much candies if I’m not a child LSD your mother must anymore? have been on during (The discussion coming out Woodstock that year to of the editorial room is to get a white van. Don’t ask me name you MacKenzie? how. I don’t get it either.) (Girls with names like that are either really fun or I don’t wanna do a coumuch worse than fun after ples costume with my side chick this year. What the night.) should I tell her? I don’t get juuls. I’d rath(Tell her you are dressed up er do heroin than juul. as animal control this year. (Please don’t do heroin. There are gonna be 450 cat Heroin is really bad for you. girls out there and she can Coke is much better. ) be one of them.) How do I fix my hair? I think I’m at the age to (Chemotherapy.) How did you guys not print an issue last week? (We don’t have the money to. We are poor. Please give us money.) Let me reiterate: UGGs belong in 2008. (Items that you should not wear in 2018: UGGs, Leggings as pants, Tie dye t-shirts, Canada Goose coats, Anything that has the word Supreme on it.)
give candies instead of getting them. Help. (I was at the bar crawl and the best feeling was getting home alone and taking my costume off, being in bed and reading my book. We are all getting so fucking old.)
How can I get one of those pieces of Halloween candy with drugs in them that I’m always hearing about? (Put those posts along with the anti-vaxxers. People be cray-cray.)
Here’s something scary enough for Halloween.
BOO HAHA WE GOT YOU GOOD PRANKED YA ok now you have to come to our meetings you can literally write whatever the fuck you want this is america live your dreams Wednesdays LSC Rm. 111, 7:45-8:45
Wednesday, October 31st, 2018
themedium.personals@gmail.com
QOTW
Hallowen (Con’d)
How do people hate Halloween? It’s literally the most fun time of the year! (I just read that out loud in sorority girl voices. But you know, I just don’t get Halloween. I already pretend to be somebody else every other day of the year. Don’t really need a quasiholiday to do it.) I shaved my legs for Halloween but my dress was so long no one could tell.
“Write in Gary Johnson for All Positions on Your Ballot.“ -Advice for you if you are a Republican
(Cool. I shave mine every week or so and it’s scratch city down there. If you didn’t cut your legs then wow you are good at this.)
Instead of watching a scary movie marathon, I’m just gonna flip beLet’s talk politics tween FOX News and CNN all night. Are you gonna get po(Rachel Maddow’s real litical in your personals? scary too. MSNBC is gonna I hate when people talk be the FOX of the left and about politics. I’m scared about that more (Here’s the thing. Politics is than some skeletons or zom- really a thing that impacts bies.) every single aspect of your I was gonna crossdress shitty life. So get a grip. We as a strong female char- live in a moment of politiacter for Halloween, but cal importance and you reinstead of doing that ally gotta figure out what’s I put on massive fake important to you and how boobs and stockings and politics impacts it. Get informed. There’s nothing claimed I was going as more dangerous than ignoher anyway. rance.) (Cool? As a gender studies Is the election coming up? minor I don’t think that’s I’m hearing a lot of chatokay?) ters about those things. What’s the fastest way to tell the world I’m a huge (If you are a registered voter, please get out to vote. And perv this Halloween? if you can, please keep voting Democrat so I can keep (See above.) my day job please and thank If I hear “Spooky scary you?) Skeletons“ one more time tonight, I’m gonna beat Damn there’s a mayoral someone to death with a challenge in New Brunswick this year. Is that imfemur. (If someone wants me to do portant? the Monster Mash one more time, I’m gonna smash their head with pumpkins till I see white matter.) My ex-boyfriend doesn’t need a mask, his face is scary enough. (Ouch. Is his face or his dick scarier?) “Stay safe this Halloween.“ Yeah I’ma be real safe sitting in side playing video games. (Don’t do it. Red Dead Redemption 2 addiction is way worse than a medium sized hangover.)
(The 26-year incumbent Cahill is kind of corrupt? But the young guy Kratovil is just not okay... I’d take my chance with corrpution.)
Is working in politics fun? I imagine it’s all House of Cards stuff with all the murder and inside dealing going on. (No. Mostly you just sit at a desk all day, making calls and begging people to vote. Don’t do it. It’s a lot less fun in Democratic politics than it used to be.)
Rejected Jokes What’s the best cure for a Red Dead Redemption 2 addiction? (I guess pick up Monster Hunter Generation Ultimate? I’ve been playing that for 2 months and already logged 300 hours in. Please help me.)
There isn’t any Jewish jokes in this issue at all...
(Yeah we are not gonna touch it this week. The world is a bad place right now and thoughts and prayers doesn’t work on people.)
There isn’t any Jewish jokes in this issue at all... (Yeah we are not gonna touch it this week. The world is a bad place right now and thoughts and prayers doesn’t work on people.) I made chilli last night. (I like spicy food but I don’t like beans or gourds. So yeah, I’m not really into fall food other than stews.)
I just need one more jokes here. So I’m just gonna talk to myself. (That’s the point of personals. Self-therapy, confessions, and weird thoughts. Thank you guys for walking through another issue with me.) That sounded like a last note kind of thing. (Nah I’m okay. Don’t worry about it.)
Wednesday, October 31st, 2018
themedium.a7@gmail.com
PAGE A7
“HELP THEY’RE DOING THE MASH!!!”
the Medium
Help! I’m Finally Old Enough To Go Trick or Treating But My Anti-Vaxx Mom Won’t Let Me
By Smiley Cyrus Gets Polio Milwaukee, WI-This is it, finally my friends and I have grown old enough to go out trick or treating, we’ve been waiting for years, watching
as brothers and sisters have put on their costumes and ventured out in search of candy. We’ve seen movies depict the joy on a kid’s face when they go door to door as their favorite Ninja Turtle and receive Kit-Kats. Well, Josh, Tyler, and Cooper get to go out tonight, but thanks to my Anti-Vaxx Mom I have to stay home. She read on the popular Anti-Vaxx Forum, “Rejections of Injections”, that it is “imperative to keep your child home on Halloween. There are crazy Vaxxers out there trying to undermine our mission by putting flu shots in candy. We must not risk any chance of inoculation, KEEP YOUR CHILD HOME.” I can’t believe my Mom is ruining my life! All a kid wants is to go out with his friends on the best night of the year, get scared and grab some candy. Josh, Tyler and Cooper have no idea how to comfort me. They just keep saying, “Aren’t you worried about contracting Smallpox??” “You could get seriously sick and die!” “This is more important than candy!!” No. It isn’t. I haven’t gotten a single shot my whole life, I’m alive. But missing out on a crucial part of my childhood? You might as well kill me. I try telling my Mom that people wouldn’t put shots in candy and that I will let her check every piece before I eat it. “No!” she says, “Do you understand how crazy the people who want to vaccinate against common contagious diseases are?? I was reading online, on the ‘Not My Shot!’ blog that they’ve developed an orally active Tetanus Vaccine indistinguishable from a Snickers Bar! There’s no way you’re going out.” She pauses then says, “Actually you are going out, you’re going to build your immunity. NO CANDY. I’ll bake you cookies ruling out any possibility of a sneaky needle.” I’m overwhelmed with joy that she’s letting me out. “Thank you!!” I scream, I start violently coughing, I cough up a little blood (as usual), I tear up, but the tears are not from the coughing, they are of joy. Thank you, Mom, now I can grow up and become a healthy adult.
10 Tricks Disguised as Treats By Heywood Jablomi We all knock on doors and say “trick or treat”, but if a treat is always given, the “trick”part gets sort of pointless. Traditionally, it means “give us a treat or you’ll get a trick”, but we can turn the tables. Here’s some tricks to hand out to hapless trick or treaters this Halloween! 1. Buy some candy. Eat it, but keep the wrappers. Use them to hide the vegetables you’re handing out. 2. Trick or treaters love egging “bad” houses, but you can just egg them! Just be sure to keep them at a distance or the egg might get on the floor. 3. Keep the door open, but screen door locked. Sit in plain view but ignore everyone who comes to your door. 4. Rick Roll anyone who dares come to your door. 5. Hiding needles in candy is too much work. Just put needles directly into their baskets! 6. Hide a voice recorder near your door, then offer them drugs. If they say yes, report them to the police. 7. Dress as a scarecrow, and sit perfectly still outside your door. When they knock on your door, hop up and scare the shit out of them. 8. Say you’re out of candy, then unwrap a peanut butter cup and eat it before closing the door. 9. Ask if they’re allergic to anything, and give them that. 10. Set up an immensely complicated Rube Goldberg device that takes five minutes and looks like it’s delivering a piece of candy, but just drops the candy back at the start and gives the trick-or-treaters a piece of paper that says “sorry, we’re closed.”
Spooky Stock Photo HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
October 31st, 2018 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com MAKE-A-WISH AT IT AGAIN
MAKE-A-WISH KID JOINS STARTING LINEUP FOR NY GIANTS
WISHES DO COME TRUE Timothy walking out with his new team BY ROBIN BANKS
In an unprecedented move, the New York Giants have signed 8 year old Timothy Burns to their starting lineup. Timothy, EAST
RUTHERFORD—
an elementary student and child with no football experience whatsoever, was diagnosed with Leukemia this past year. As a part of his process, The Make A Wish
Foundation granted him one wish. His wish, you may ask? To one day play for the New York Giants. Upon hearing this wish, Giants Head Coach and All-American train wreck, Pat Shurmur, immediately signed the boy. “The boy doesn’t have too much time and we pretty much suck right now. I’ll literally try anything,” said Coach Shurmur. As a result, the Giants signed their new second-string quarterback, Timothy, to a whopping 4-year, $10,000 contract (hospital coverage not included). A beaming Timothy walked out of the Giants Training Facility, happy that his wish had been fulfilled. Similarly, his mother, Clara, also seemed ecstatic. “I just wanted my boy to have his last wish fulfilled. I didn’t know that he would actually get signed to play professional football."
Unfortunately, what neither Timothy nor his mother are aware of is the portion of all contracts known as the “fine print”. According to the contract, Timothy’s contract is nonnegotiable and will require him to suit up for every game, regardless of the severity of his Leukemia. In short, the boy with terminal cancer just made his life so much worse. Elsewhere, Giants fans, too, were quite excited. “This team could use some young blood to spice things up”, said a visibly drunk Johnny Quatrone. “There is something about this kid that makes him special. He’s white so he’s already quarterback material. I said that about Eli many years ago too”, he continued. After going 1-6 their first 7 games, the Giants are really counting on Timothy to finish off at least with another two wins.
Top 10 Scary Things You Didn't Spookiest Rutgers Plays: by the numbers Know About Rutgers Athletics
BY ROBIN BANKS
1 Rutgers Football is actually Division I.
2
Chris Ash. That's It
3 We are being robbed by the Athletic Dept.
4 Scarlet Knight
6
Bob Barchi conducts football team warm-ups .
7
High Point Stadium was built on a burial ground.
8 "unocuppied"
The seats are occupied by ghosts.
9
The was Rutgers Athetics has a yearly deficit of $36 M. dropped from the lineup.
5 They're shit.
10
It actually exists.
50 Interceptions
thrown by Rutgers quarterback Arthur Sitkowski
3
Hail Mary's thrown to the Wicked Witch of the East, in hopes of getting rid of her
14
Handoffs given to the fastest murderer alive, Michael Myers
1
QB sneak orchestrated by backup quarterback Freddy Kreuger
33
Onside kicks recovered by Pennywise
DOING the monster mash SINCE 1970
666
Interceptions caught by the devil himself