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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 9th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ CHICK-FIL-GAY
CHICK-FIL-A RENAMES “FRIED CHICKEN”: “PRIDE CHICKEN” HARRY NUTTSAAC GOTTA MOW THE LAWN
Although Chick-Fil-A is probably the most famous and profitable fast-food chain in America, they are still desperate to make sure every single human being eats their food. The biggest group to oppose their amazing chicken sandwiches has been the gay community, who are pissed because some old white guy said something homophobic back when homophobia was kind of just a regular staple of any conversation. CHIMKEN?!?! So, trying to swing them onto their Sexy Fried Chicken side, Chick-Fil-A has renamed community have pointed out even from other restaurants; Mike all of their chicken meals "Pride that this is just a poor corporate Pence said that it was disrespectful Chicken". You got your pride attempt to get more money: Ellen to all fellow gay men who take it up chicken sandwiches, pride chicken DeGeneres said on her show that the butt on a regular basis. nuggets, pride chicken wraps, she wouldn't be going, before The Medium sent me to pride chicken and waffles, all of breaking out into her next weird interview students about how they which come with a courtesy threetween dance; Neil Patrick Harris would feel if we got a Chick-Fil-A foot by five-foot rainbow flag. vowed off all kinds of chicken, on campus now that they've very Some figures in the gay Continued on Page 2
MY KIND OF BLACK HOLE
WHAT WAS THOUGHT TO BE STARS ARE ACTUALLY GOD’S GLORY HOLES DICK VEINY ALMOST TOO VEINY
After millennia of existence, astrology - the pseudo-science of studying the stars as a way to describe an individual’s personality and predict possible opportunities and challenges in the future (among other things) - is on the sharp decline after what was thought to be stars in the night sky was revealed to actually be God’s glory holes. The Russian Government released this news the other day because NASA is so underfunded, there’s no way the Americans could have figured it out first. The Russians revealed that they are not sure which God or even if it is several Gods that made these holes, but they can confirm that what we thought was “The Milky Way” was milky for
an entirely different reason and composed of something that was very much not rock. Great activity was also found in the area of a “star” that was thought to be dead, which is why they investigated in the first place. It was upon sending up a team to
check on the star that they realized that these were just holes in which God used to be serviced for his own sexual pleasure. At least, this is a polite form of how the Russians put it. Apparently the sight was so gruesome, all the astronaughts Continued on Page 2
Butt Sniffing Since 1970
QUICKIES
Woman Ghosted Man in Spirit of Halloween
Lonely Girl Raises Hand Just to Emotion Dump on Professor Daniel Day Lewis Caught Walking at Night Hey Guys, War Crimes are Bad Actually Rutgers Student Goes to Game Only to Scream "Fuck Penn State" Real Talk: My Floor Group Chat Really Needs to Shut the Fuck Up. Stop Flat Shaming Earth It's Officially Real Neighbor Hours CRAZY 4 COCK
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NEWS
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"Existence is Pain, Don't be a Fuck"
CHICK-FIL-GAY AGAIN EVERYONE'S AN EXPERT effectively made amends with the gay community. One student was very much in favor: "Of course we should get a Chick-Fil-A! It would be a lot better than whatever the hell 'chicken' they serve at Brower." Another student wearing a rainbow t-shirt was surprisingly outraged: "No way! Chick-Fil-A killed my parents and sold us to child labor camps in Cambodia." When pushed further, they admitted none of that was true, but that it could be. A bus driver we asked said, "Yeah, it would be a great place to spend another threehour lunch break." You should know by now that The Medium got the real scoop, though. One guy we were
I'LL MILK YOUR WAY MAKE YOUR DONATION except one committed suicide upon landing. The only one who didn’t fell unconscious from the shock of this horror, he did not get the chance before *gently* being detained for questioning. Unfortunately, shortly after he shared his report, he died of heart failure that the Russians assure was “completely natural”. Naturally, many people were upset by this news but the astrology community took one of the heaviest blows. Former astrologers had to come to grips that their entire life’s work was absolutely worthless, just like everyone told them so many years ago. Teen girls stopped making posts on Tumblr and stopped asking the same question over and over whether a certain
...continued from front
wearing five different coats, a necklace made of teeth from assorted animals, and a tinfoil hat, told us, "It's all their fucking plan! They just want to have more people eating their chicken so when they release the special brainwashing sauce, they get all of America! Then we'll all be slaves to corporate Chicken America!" The new brainwashing sauce will come in three delicious flavors: sweet and sour, garlic aioli, and chile pepper.
HOW MUCH FOR THE CHILDREN? SELL THEM TO ME!
...continued from front
Leo or Aquarius boy liked them. Astrology books were tossed in the trash and Cosmopolitan tweeted an apology for all the editions of horoscopes they pushed over the years. Years of ridicule and mocking never wavered the faith of astrology’s core base, but this may be the death blow skeptics had been waiting for for years. The Catholic Church would probably be celebrating if they themselves were not scrambling to recover any shred of dignity they had left, knowing it was possibly their God ejaculating all over the Universe.
THEY'RE NOT CONCENTRATION CAMPS, JUST DETENTION CAMPS; THAT'S BETTER RIGHT???????
CAGED HONDURAN BOY MAD ABOUT REAL ISSUES LIKE SHARPIE SCRIBBLES AND NEPOTISM BRADLEY “BRAD” TANNER STREETWISE CONCENTRATION CAMP CORRESPONDENT
Washington D.C.- The country exhaled a collective sigh of optimism recently as Democratic House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi announced an inquiry into impeachment proceedings for President Donald Trump. With her post-ironic sarcastic sincere clapping to Trump’s State Of The Union, her daughter openly discussing “faves” implicated in the Jeffrey Epstein pedophile ring, a Republican-dominated Senate, and a Judiciary Committee of invertebrate jelly mollusks who flopped over backwards to nominate Brett Fucking Kavanaugh, who wouldn’t be optimistic?
It is widely agreed-upon objective consensus that the demonstrably straightest thing the American people hold is priorities, and few Americans know those priorities better than 12-year-old Javier Guerrero, a local neoliberal centrist activist being held in the Elizabeth I.C.E. detention facility. Even through the iron bars of his 7 by 7 holding cell, cramped in with several detainees, Guerrero was in jubilant spirits, offering me a fresh glass of toilet water fountain tap. “Not gonna lie, the first few weeks after being torn away from my mom at gunpoint kinda sucked, to say the least, but you learn to move
on. You get over it. Why waste to deal with Ted Bundy callously time angry at all these trivialities stealing innocent barhoppers’ beyond our control when there’s scores. Who ever found Cosby’s way bigger fish to fry?” ‘clean’ comedy sets funny anyways? Listen, I could give less Using a rectally-smuggled iPhone than two shits about ecological from cellmate Alejandro Mejia, collapse, credible serial rape Guerrero has been warning the allegations, or other kids in my public about our POTUS’ most predicament, but those acts? pernicious misdeeds all over the THOSE are despicable. THOSE are online airwaves, the absolute worst crimes against humanity. THAT is of the worst. “You wouldn’t expect a what we must weaponize to bring morally bankrupt and wealthy elite down 45 Cheeto Dust Doodoo to dig up dirt on an incrementally- Drumpf, that and nothing else.” less morally bankrupt and wealthy elite through shady means, nor Yawning, Guerrero abruptly would you expect an ancient finished the interview, tweeting climate change-denying boomer to out a message calling for bipartisan make a dumb inaccurate drawing compromise on incrementally of a weather pattern, but here bigger cages to herd his fellow legal we are. This is the uncivil state asylum seekers like cattle. of American politics in 2019, and more people need to wake up to it.” “I hope Khaleesi Pelosi slays Agent Orange Two Scoops tRump harder Guerrero slouched back into the than she enabled his administration comfort of his tin foil blanket, cool to slay those seven kids with and collected through the agonized neglect.” shrieks of his flashlight-bludgeoned neighbors. “Look, someone had
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to everyone who just leaves me alone, thank you
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FEATURES “Try the paella, it’s an absolute delight.”
NO PAIN, NO GAIN
TOO SPICY!!
Top 10 Exercises to Do in your Dorm
5 Ways to Spice Up Your Bedroom
By Penn A. Trayshun
By PP Harding
Let’s be honest: you’re totally out of shape. You probably can’t see your toes when you’re standing up. In fact, you might weigh yourself after you take a big shit just to feel better that you lost a couple pounds. Not that it matters, anyway. You’ll eat five fucking slices of Brower pizza to fill the emptiness in your heart and stomach. It’s time for a change. Here are the top 10 exercises to do in your dorm. 1. Masturbation. The last time your heart rate was this high was when you saw the new sandwich display at Café West. You have to do better than that. 2. Repeatedly open and slam your door. Aside from working out your arms and chest, this will assert your dominance over the people on your floor. If they come to you annoyed, just fucking slam the door in their face. The workout requires it. 3. Roll a blunt. You often forget to exercise the smaller muscles in your body (besides your manhood). Don’t skip finger day. Ask that white guy who hasn’t showered in six days from across the hall to join you if you’d like.
1. X Marks the Spot- Get really into pirate role play. Have your first mate draw a red “X” where they want to ejaculate and if they hit their target yell “Shiver me timbers!”, then both enjoy a nice orange to prevent scurvy. 2. Sundae Surprise- Grab yourself some sprinkles, whip up some cream, get some ice cream. Put the toppings on the ice cream. Eat the ice cream. Do not have sex. 3. Pinata Party- wear a blindfold and grab that old baseball bat from out of the garage. Tie your partner up and violently beat them with the bat within an inch of their life. 4. Cum Home for Christmas- Get festive! Take a candy cane and repeatedly shove it in and out of your partner’s asshole until the end of it looks like the tip of a Christmas tree star 5. Shrexy- Reuse your condoms! Place your used condoms over your partner’s ears (to look like Shrek) and have them yell “GET OUT OF MAH SWAMP” in a thicc Scottish accent.
4. Tap-dance. The soles of your feet are itching for exercise. Get a tin pan and dance on that to burn more calories. The louder, the better. 5. Cook. This might seem counterintuitive since you’ll gain weight after eating. But hell, I’ll be damned if you don’t get a little bit of a workout by making that ramen. If not, just shit it out in a day or two and start back at the top of this list. 6. Climb along the wall. Have you ever seen a fat spider? Didn’t think so. That’s because they know that climbing along the wall keeps you skinny. Follow suit and you won’t be disappointed. 7. Actually make your bed. Work out your upper body by doing this (or lower body. Who the fuck am I to tell you how to make your bed.) 8. Starve yourself. Maybe you’re not cut out for physical exercise. That’s fine. Just don’t eat and you’ll lose weight. 9. Beat the shit out of your roommate. Fighting is very exhausting. There’s a 10% chance that your roommate pledged allegiance to ISIS anyway, so he fucking deserves a beating.
ARE MIDTERMS BUMMING YOU THE FUCK OUT?? PROCRASTINATE BY NOT STUDYING AND COMING TO THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS ON WEDNESDAYS FROM 7:45 - 8:45 IN THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 109 INSTEAD!
I’LL MINOR YOUR INCONVENIENCE ;)
What Minor Inconvenience Are You Based on Your Zodiac? By: PP Harding & Paul Steep
Libra- Overcrowded bus Scorpio- Little drop of pee that gets on your underwear after you go Sagittarius- AIDS Capricorn- Popcorn kernel that gets caught in your throat and no matter how hard you phlegm cough, you can’t get it out Aquarius- Your 12-year-old child who drowned 10 years ago at a birthday party and it wasn’t your fault, you could swear you only looked away for a second to get a drink and the one time I fucking look away he decides to drown himself and now his ghost won’t shut the fuck up about it Pisces- When you step in gum and can’t get it off your shoe Aries- When you go down on someone and a little pube gets in your mouth Taurus- When you have a really saucy poop and no matter how much you wipe, there’s still more Gemini- Having a stupid movie named after you (Fuck you Will Smith)
Cancer- Having low self-esteem and realizing you have this depresso zodiac name Leo- Having to wait 23 years as a renowned actor before getting your first Oscar Virgo- When you get chocolate on your cheek and everyone thinks it’s shit
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OPINIONS
"Take financial responsibility. Retire early with a happy family."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What's your Favorite Moral Atrocity that China is Committing Right Now? "Harvesting the organs of living Uighur Muslims and other minorities! Having extra kidneys laying around is so convenient.� Xi Jinping President of the People's Republic of China "Kidnapping anybody who publically disagrees with the government and ostracizing their families from society." Xi Jinping This is not a joke "Very gradually escalating the use of force in Hong Kong so that when we start executing protestors en masse you won't be paying attention anymore." Xi Jinping Fascism built your iPhone CLIMATE CHANGE IS KIND OF HOT ;)
It's Been a Wild Week on Conservative Twitter BY JARED FOGLE
The young environmentalist Greta Thunberg has been in the news an awful lot the last few weeks, and she has been doing an amazing job of inspiring the whole planet to give a shit about the environment. Some people, however, have taken a very weird turn with the Thunberg news. For whatever reason, some fuckheads think that just because she is smart enough to know that the world shouldn't be on fire means that she is old enough to be thrown into the child sex ring of Jeffrey Epstein. This guy on Twitter, Justin Murphy, is a political scientist who thinks he's edgy because he's a "Libertarian Communist Catholic." We get it, buddy, you're unique! Murphy also runs his own podcast where he just lists all the little kids he wants to fuck. On September 24th, Murphy started off a tweet with "Not even being provocative but," so you know the rest is just gonna be horrible. Then Murphy said that if we think that Thunberg is old enough to know that our planet is fucked, then she should get fucked. This is the same guy that, last May, said people who are prochoice must fucking love necrophilia. Other conservatives started talking in the comment section about how her parents would probably let her set herself on fire, like that and trying to save the planet we all, unfortunately, share with each other are the same. Before people got the chance to argue against this, it blew up, with actual conservative politicians making similar points to his. Anyway, thanks for coming to my TEDTalk about the Conservative Pedophile Political Platform.
Wednesday, October 9th, 2019
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MY FAVORITE POKEMON IS SMOOCHUM
Pokemon Designs were Cooler when I was too Young to Tell they Sucked BY GAY MERBOI
With Pokemons Sword and Shield set to release soon, we really have to ask what the fuck has been going on with Game Freak's design team these past few years. I mean, did you really expect me to believe that a bunny could also be a fire? At the same time? Don't make me laugh you stupid men. Everybody knows that only a monkey or a boxing chicken, or whatever Cyndaquil was can be a fire while also being what they are. If you take a look at the older designs (older meaning before Black and White (obviously)), you can see that the designs were much better. Charizard is a big flying lizard that is not a dragon, but is, in fact, a fire. That makes sense. That matches up with reality. That is how God intended for Pokemon to be. Incineroar, which is a Pokemon that I had to Google, is a cat that is also a fire. How does that make any sense at all? I'll tell you how, it doesn't. On top of all that, Incineroar is also a luchadore wrestler, and, get this, a darkness. I thought they were stretching it when they said Murkrow was a darkness, but at least Murkrow is a bird, which have been confirmed by science to sometimes also be darkness, so I gave Game Freak a pass on that one. This, however, I can not forgive. I am officially calling upon the greater Pokemon community to help end this injustice. Stop being normal types, and start being fighting types. It is the only way for us to secure the future of the franchise. DON'T DM ME LOOKING LIKE A SCHMUCK
College Aged Men Don't Know How to Take Decent Photographs BY GAIGE HAN
You would think that Instagram, Facebook, and other social media sites which display photos would be showcases for the very best moments of our lives and for the most part they are. I cannot tell you how many nights I've lost to crying over all the girls I went to high school with that are still prettier than me, still taking yearly trips to the Bahamas with their parents' money, and still fucking the football players. Actually, we go to Rutgers; I'd honestly be embarrased about that last part if I was them. Anyway, I can't help but notice a particularly masculine problem with the pictures on my feeds these days. Literally every picture taken of or by a man is dog shit. Do you people just not care about the type of message that you're sending to your friends, family, and me when I stalk your profile after you accidentally right swipe me on Tinder? You look like shit. Like seriously, just smile! I promise it won't make you gay, dude. And what is that stupid pointing thing that you do? Yes I know that your slightly more attractive friend is also not smiling. You don't have to point at his acne scarred face like you're surprised that you ran into him at this gathering that only you, him, and your other two friends from high school got invited to. It's poor form, and you should be embarrased.
Wednesday, October 9th, 2019
ARTS
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“(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)”
GENITALIA OF THE WEEK
Cum 2 me By Penny Trater & Fronshavoncadon
STICK BOI VOL. 2 Dick (on the) head By, Roger's Wang
DO YOU EVEN ART BRO?! WILL YOU COME TO OUR MEETINGS IF I LET YOU HIT MY DAB PEN? PITCH MEETINGS: WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM LSC 109 PRODUCTION: MONDAYS AT 8:00 PM LSC 117C
the Medium BOOOO ..with insanely large nipples By Penny Trater
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PERSONALS
"Play Spank The Frank with Razzlin' Rick & The Gamblin' Boys NOW!!!!"
Joker
Dating Apps
Posting
S.W.A.T. Unit Commando here, what ammo do you recommend for efficiently taking out droves of virgin killer clowns? (The best way to take out a bad guy with a "BANG!" flag is a good guy with a "BANG!" flag. Bang Bros, Bang Bus, Golden Calvin Shower, Blue Lives Matter Punisher Skull Flags, I'm CERTAIN your department has some pretty repellent horseshit laying around, shit guaranteed to drive away any incels, nephews, or estranged kids for sure.)
Is it petty to unmatch because he lives in Quad 2? (No Denise, but you know what is petty? Classist-ly judging a man for living within his means, damn it. I tried. My parents' trust fund tried. And if you can't accept that Denise, you're BETTER OFF left swipe scabbing, you bourgeosie swine.)
How do I make a professional copypasta??
Which style flak-jacket suit should I wear to the Joker movie in case of incel attack? Romero, Ledger, Phoenix, or Baby Suit? (Come dressed as Zach Galifankis. Infant cartilage would be decent for absorbing any 5.56 or 7.62x39mm rounds floating your way, but seeing evidence of reproduction will undoutedly place you firm in the holographic ACOG crosshairs of an unfuckable celibate psychopath. Who the hell cares enough about Lego Movie Joker to passionately idolize or vilify him though?)
Why'd Tinder fuck up my already fucked location algorithim with some shitty Great Value bargain bin Bandersnatch game? (Why feel insecure about not getting matches when you're ALREADY getting fucked by ALL the algorithims? Your serotonin levels? Student loans? Employers? Loud douche neighbors? Odds at a habitable future? ALL about that deep butt play, I tell you what.) How to ease unmatching FOMO anxiety when there may not be a habitable civilization to right swipe toward in 11 years? (................................)
Word of the Week:
Dysthymia n. When you just SPIRITUALLY wanna die without getting all devout about it. STARTING OCTOBER 9TH THE THIN BLUE BEGGIN' STRIP BAY IN THE BLOOD OF 25-30 HECKIN CUTE DOGGO PUPPER CHONKS A WEEK R.U.P.D. PUPPY SHOOTING CLUB
(Times New Roman 12 point over boiled water, double spaced two pages al dente, one inch margins boiled well, and rigid, uniform, 36 minute comfority to EVERY tenant of 2017 AP Style, lest you face decapitation of the guillotine dropped personally by my P.R. professor.) How many social credit points would my Chinese penpal lose if he jacked off to Winnie the Pooh porn? (Disgusting. Reprehensible. An utterly more repugnant blight to the immaculate whites of otherwise perfect state eyes than the Uyghurs. Not even an effort at original degeneracy, none the less, but a shoddy, cheap imitation Stevia plaigarism of Trey Parker and Matt Stone's signature degenaracy. Your friend's IP has been logged. Xi's special Sector 34 cleaning operatives will attend to him shortly. Wish his family my sincerest condolences; suicide by six .38 hollow points to the occiput can be quite the rough loss to bear.)
No Love Deep Qs Does it qualify as a viably successful family fun theme park gathering if you’ve successfully shadowboxed an elevator panel to bruised knuckles afterwards? (Look at the silver linings. Sure, you may have no hope at forming any healthy, functional bonds. Sure, you wish the umbilical cord successfully Agent 47'd you back into the void sometimes. Sure, it fuckin' stings, but you should be grateful for the free southpaw lessons, and that Otis should SURE AS FUCK feel grateful for the free displicine you gave it.) How much wood can a woodchuck chuck when the woodchuck is chucking wood subject to a constant gravitational acceleration at a height of 14.06 meters?? (Shut the fuck up Neil, I thought we yeeted you out of public orbit last August.)
Wednesday, Oct. 9th, 2019
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PERSONALS: UNCUT
Dear Kelly, I can’t get out of bed to go to class anymore. I used to be able to muster up some energy to do it but I can’t. It’s too hard. I just stay in bed all day, either sleeping or beating off to hentai. I know it's hurting my grades but I just can’t do it. Because of this, talking about anything school-related sends me into a panic attack.
Please help - Sad Boy
Dear Sad Boy, Let me start off by saying that I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I get exactly how you’re feeling. Sometimes I feel shitty enough to just want to stay at home in my warm bed. However, I don’t. I get my ass up every morning. You want to know how I fucking do this? Of course you do, you dumb bitch. Every morning when I wake up, as soon as I’m done cursing whatever God is there for not smiting me in my sleep, I say one sentence to myself: you have to get up.' It’s difficult but you have to at least try. Maybe you won’t be able to gather enough energy to go to class but at least you might have enough energy to brush your teeth. You can’t just stay fucking disgusting. If you let the bacteria fester on your teeth, you’ll have a much bigger and painful problem. If you manage to take a shower, you’ll be able to cry there and play a fun game of “Are those my tears or is that the shower water?”. Everyday it will get a little easier. Sometimes you might have a bad day and won’t be able to get out of bed again but you can’t just give up then. You have to get your fat tentacle porn loving self out of bed. (You better be watching shit with humans and not animals or lolicon cat girls. If I find out you’re one of those loli loving fucks, I’m going to throw you into the Raritan myself). Giving even 5% effort towards becoming a functional human being is better than 0%. Maybe if you go to class for once and start doing a few assignments here and there, your school-related panic attacks might subside. That’s what I did. I started going to my classes again after the fear of bad grades gave me panic attacks. Dude, Life is an unforgiving hellhole and sometimes you just have to fucking go through it by distracting yourself. Eventually we’ll be blessed with the privilege of death. Isn’t that we’re all looking forward to anyways? In time? Of natural causes? Ideally?
Warmest Regards,
Kelly
SERVE AND PROTECT WITH US Wednesdays @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center Room 109
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“Can someone help me track the growth of this mole on my back?�
Just Peel, Wet, and Stick!
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To Be Read on the Toilet While You Poop
A Temporary Tattoo A Conversation Between an Old Just For You
Man and his Grandson
By: Throbbin Williams
Local Listings and Great Finds Need someone to buy computer duster for me. I'm banned from every Staples in the tri-state area. I have a very dusty PS4 Pro and it's really loud. I'm definitely not huffing the duster. Contact: zfox23@gmail.com
Seeking crew for dangerous venture deep into the Amazon. I'm looking for an emerald in a lost temple and I need to get there before it's burned down. Contact: elizabethwarren@aol.com
Selling near mint condition Kitchenware pasta maker. Only used once. I got my junk all caught and gave up on pasta. in there but it has been thoroughly cleaned. $45 OBO. Contact: chefgordonclumsy@gmail.com
High-ku
Spiders in the hall Watch them weave in dark corners They eat the bad bugs
An old man and his grandson play chess in the park Grandson: Grandpa, how come you feed the birds every time we come here. Old man: Why? Are you jealous? Grandson: Well we haven't had anything to eat all day. Old man: And until you beat me, we won't. Rook to B4. Grandson: But you never even taught me the rules. It isn't fair! Old man: Life isn't fair! You kids have it too easy! Grandson: Grandpa when you went to college it only cost $7,000 for all four years! You could actually work a minimum wage job and afford it. Old man: Work harder! Make your move. Grandson: Uh, this horse thing... here. Old man: Ha! You stupid piece of shit! Bishop to E8. Check! Grandson: I hate this game. Old man: I hate you! Grandson: I hate you too you crotchety old fuck. The old man rifles through his bag and retrieves his car keys Grandson: What are you doing with those? Old man: Starting up my new Ford F350 since this game will be over soon. Grandson: And you're just gonna let it idle? Its diesel! Old man: I want the cabin to get warm. I hate getting in a cold car! Grandson: It's 85 degrees out! Old man: Then too hot! I hate a hot car! Let it run. Grandson: Unbelieveable. Old man: Now, for my next move. Suddenly the old man's phone begins to blare "Fly Me to the Moon" Old man: Hold on I'm getting a twitter notification. Christ. That Gretzel Thorbird is talking about 'climate change' again. Grandson: You mean Greta Thunberg? Old man: That's the one. Hold on I need to write a reply out. Old man (dictating as he types): You know it all millenial little shits will never be able to push your unconsitutional on TRUMPs america! It's red white and blue never green!!!!! Grandson's phone chimes Grandson: Grandpa you just texted that to me. Old man: Technology is too complicated! Times used to be simple. You didn't have to connect everything to the cloud and the whole world didn't have to know if you hollered to a broad on the street you wanted to spoil her flapper dress! Grandson: That's vile! Wait, flapper dress? How old even are you? Old man: Very old! The old man clenches his arm and falls out of his chair to the ground Grandson: Grandpa! Old man: I'm having a heart attack! Grandson: I'll get help! Old man: No! This world isn't for me anymore. Grandson: I couldn't agree more. Old man: Nathan, one more thing before I go. Grandson: Yes Grandpa, what is it? Old man: I- I left everything in my will to your uncle and your cousin. Bitch. The old man dies Grandson: Fucking boomers.
FIN
October 9th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.submissions@ gmail.com PORTS
STRING OF MOUTH HERPES IN RUTGERS ATHLETES LEADS BACK TO BARCHI
THREE'S A COMPANY We wonder what happened during the meeting BY HARRY NUTTSACC
After another dreary football season startup, more depressing news has come out about the players in the nation's worst football team. PISCATAWAY –
When a bunch of players went in for random drug tests (spoiler alert, they definitely weren't using steroids, have you seen their scrawny selves?) the doctors on staff at Hurtado noticed sores on all of their mouths. At first, the
doctors just wrote it off as a teambuilding exercise gone wrong, but then a really butt-ugly athlete came in and they knew nobody would ever be kissing him. When further tests were run on the student-athletes, the doctors found out that they were still all the same strain. If these kids hadn't been macking on each other, where were they all getting the same herpes from? Nurses and doctors were deployed to all of the sluttiest sororities on campus looking for the same strain, but no luck. On an unrelated note, five doctors from Rutgers have now been charged with inappropriate sexual relations with patients. Then, Hurtado got an anonymous tip from a woman who looked a lot like President Barchi's wife that he might be a good place to go looking for the rare strain of herpes. Barchi complied with Hurtado's request for a mouth swab, which tested negative. However, a swab of Barchi's a**hole showed traces of the herpes strain, and a much more violent and aggressive
probing of his asshole proved conclusively that the strain came from this orifice. Barchi declined requests for further questions from Hurtado, The Medium, The Daily Targum, The New York Times, the Washington Post, and The Onion. However, the abused football players were more than happy to comment anonymously. The guy wearing a giant number seven said, "Barchi calls all new players into his office and makes us service him." Number eight whined in between sobs, "He was so aggressive. He just kept shoving my face in between his hairy cheeks and yelling 'Call me Mr. President!'" Even Former Coach Chris Ash commented, "How the fuck did you think these sorry sacks of shit could actually get on a Big 10 team? All of these kids suck ass, literally!" But who’s he to talk, the guy just got canned because he wouldn’t pay his "dues" anymore. In the meantime, the football team plans on tanking this season both on and off the field.
Zion Williamson By the Numbers
Ten Reasons Why the Redskins Suck BY FLICK BOOGER
1
6
Have you read their name?
They train in the swamp
2
7
Karma's a bitch
3 I had to Google players
4
$90 M
Money already made before starting an NBA game
Times Stephen A. Smith will shit on his "game" this season
20
23
The players eat poo
8 They pray they get traded
9
Shoes he will have on hand for each game he plays in
NBA players that will end up in the hospital as a result of being posterized by him
30
80085
Their fans are all racist arses Jay Gruden hates Jon Gruden
5
The Chiefs are angry that the Redskins are the other "Injuns"
10 Trump supports the team
500
Days a month he hits up the strip club in his quest to look for Mrs. Williamson
Drinking Students' Tears SINCE 1970
Times he will casually laugh off the fact that he's probably fucking your bitch.