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Nov. 7th, 2018
Volume LVI Issue IIII III 50¢ FAREWELL TO ARMS
EXPOSED! HOSPITAL ADMITS TO THEFT OF 22 PATIENTS' LIMBS ROT JOPLIN DECAYING
NEW BRUNSWICK-A representative speaking on behalf of a nearby hospital recently cleared up some confusion surrounding a gristly series of disappearances that occurred in its trauma center last week. Almost two dozen patients’ appendages were reported missing: eighteen arms, sixteen right arms and four left, as well as three full left legs plus another half of a fourth left leg, below the knee. No patient lost more than one limb during the ordeal. The sites of limb removal all seemed to have been treated by medical professionals, and were reportedly healing into goodquality stumps. Representatives initially shrugged off any request for a legitimate explanation, citing the cases as coincidence
FEED ME Hospital food has never been so appetizing?!
and denying any hospital involvement. After continued pressure from patients and families, however, a speaker finally came forward last night to confirm that the trauma center was not only aware of, but explicitly involved in, the
dismemberments. “It is unethical to deny the public knowledge of the events that unfolded within our walls this month. To retain our credibility as an institution it is of paramount importance that we remain transparent. Continued on Page 2
NOT IN IT FOR THE STICKERS AT ALL
MILLENNIALS DEFINITELY GOT OUT TO VOTE YESTERDAY THROBIN WILLIAMS VEINIER THAN MOST
PISCATAWAY-Midterm elections happened yesterday and people born between 1981 and 1997 for sure made it to the polls. The “Snowflake Generation”, as your hyperconservative uncle calls them, had an incredibly low turnout in 2016, when only 49 percent of millenials casted a ballot. But this year? This year millennials totally, without a doubt voted in the midterms yesterday. Definitely. Rutgers freshman Molly Srokowski, 19, is just one of many millennials who absolutely made her voice heard. For the
TOTALLY ROCKED THE VOTE The best turnout in LITeral centuries
past week Srokowski has been encouraging her fellow students to vote outside student centers, dining halls and dorm buildings. “The blue wave is on the horizon.
I got eight people registered the week before the election. And I definitely took the time between classes to go to my polling Continued on Page 2
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NEWS
"What's the deal with dAyLiGhT sAvInGs TiMe?"
GET ME OUT OF HERE
WASHINGTON-- As just about everyone has heard by now, from literally every celebrity and random schmuck with a twitter account, election day was this past Tuesday. With the current state of American politics there was much concern over voter suppression and election meddling, especially following the 2016 presidential election fiasco. As soon as polling began officials immediately began to notice that something was amiss. At voting places across the country men, ranging from about 25-50 years old, with thick Slavic accents show up in a black 2012 Mercedes-benz to allegedly vote. These men all carried black messenger bags filled to the brim with sheets of paper. The men became enraged when they were told that voting was done electronically now, many volunteers were berated to the point of tears with words that they did not know. Several of these men were apprehended by authorities for causing a scene.
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CIVIC DUTY
TRUMP FOUND TRYING TO STUFF BALLOT BOXES IN ELECTRONIC VOTING BOOTHS RICHARD HURTZ PLEASE SLOW DOWN
Wednesday, November 7th, 2018
The men did not have much on them aside from a burner phone with one number. The number was later revealed to be a direct line to Donald Trump's personal cell phone. The pieces of paper that filled their bags were full of the phrase not “Not Trump” on them.The president was confronted with this this morning on twitter, cuz that’s just how politics work in 2018. After his usual try and deny it routine failed, he went on a rant about how hard it is to be president. After a few hours of back and forth with voters and celebrities on twitter, Trump finally admitted the truth. In a rare video appearance, Donald Trump appeared to be crying on camera and said that he heard there was a new election and tried to make sure that he didn’t win. He went on to lament about how boring being president is, and how all he wants is to play golf and bang dirty whores. His approval rating among his base sky-rocketed to new heights and will probably lead to him getting elected.
NEWS IN PICTURES
BOTH PARTIES BRING OUT THE BIG GUNS FOR VOTES
Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Editorial Managing Editor Marissa Schwartz Staff Business Manager Shaina Joseph Fall 2018 Mascot Sick New Brunswick Cat
HAHAHA DUTY location and vote. I totally didn’t watch five episodes of Parks and Rec in the dining hall during that period of time. I voted. Are we done now?” According to Buzzfeed, the number one source of news among millennials, reported that 108 percent of millennials voted yesterday. This totally legitimate statistic is a record turnout for any generation in any election ever. Besty Danvers, 71, was working the polls in Middlesex County all day yesterday. “I suppose I saw some young people come in to vote. I remember seeing my friend Carol Anne and her husband Gary. He’s her second husband. I guess I was too busy thinking about how I don’t have worry
...continued from front
about climate change because I’ll be dead before we experience a so called ‘impending catastrophe’ to notice any millennials.” A Rutgers-Eagleton Survey conducted one week before the midterms found that 89 percent of millennials were generally annoyed by baby boomers chastising them for not voting. Rutgers junior Chris Michaels said that hate from boomers inspired him to vote. “I originally wasn’t going to vote because I had a doctors appointment, but then I definitely changed my mind and voted. Again, I 100 percent voted yesterday.” When asked who he voted for, Michaels got on a bus without even looking to see which route it was taking.
THE HORRORS OF MODERN MEDICINE MEAN AND GREEN "Myself and the hospital board of trustees concluded that it would be most prudent to release all the facts and face all potential consequences headon,” stated the hospital’s board chair Dearth Nielssen at a press conference. “To that end, I’d like to let the public know that the amputations were fully intentional. Ill-advised, perhaps, but these actions were taken based on decisions the hospital approved.” Nielssen explained that custodians discovered a strange patch of greenery in one of the basement heating ducts late last month that wouldn’t seem to go away. Staff initially thought it was some sort of algal bloom and attempted to kill it with herbicide, but this only made it angry. “Yeah it looked upset,” said former custodian Elizabeth Pasta, who vacated her position October 18th, “it was wriggling and like, hissing? And it just kept News Editors Dan Cretella Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Jeff Zhang Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
...continued from front
getting bigger and snapping its mouths open and closed. Pretty soon it started sprouting these fang things, which is when I decided to quit.” Mr. Nielssen confirmed that the amputations, which patients did not consent to and were unaware of until regaining consciousness, were indeed performed to appease the mysterious growth. “Though it never fully acquired the English language, we could tell from context clues that it was probably hungry for human flesh. Turns out we made the right call,” Nielssen said, “and I’d like everyone to remember that there was absolutely no loss of life in this whole ordeal.” The mayor is applauding the hospital’s transparency in this matter and has reassured the townspeople that the heating duct will be transported off the hospital premises really soon.
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Zoe Sifnakis Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field ur mom
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in the Livingston Student Center. This issue is dedicated to the pets of eXXXotica.
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, November 7th, 2018
“The world will always suck because we choose to see it that way.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What Are Your Techniques For No Nut November? “Every time I get horny I Just look at pictures of my naked grandmother.” Turtle Clemens Don’t even wanna know how he got
“I didn’t know this applied to us” Melissa Tuya Is that true, did I miss something.
“Just stay away from any pizza or cheesey foods” Phil Cullins What...?
I GUESS EVERYONE GETS A MOVIE THESE DAYS
Where is the Nickelback Biopic?
BY BRAD BROEGER In recent months it seems that biopics about musicians have been becoming more and more popular. Now of course movies about musicians were always a part of cinema history, but now it seems as though they are coming one after another. Bohemian Rhapsody came out this past weekend, which I found to be quite boring because I don’t really care much for gays and soon they are coming out with Rocket Man about Elton John, which I’m not so excited for because again--gay. There was also A Star is Born, which was about how Barbra Streisand a talentless female, mooched off of Bradley Cooper, both an amazing singer and guitarist, and used him to gain her own popularity, WHORE!!! Now I get the reasoning behind making movies about a bunch of homos and women because you want to get them “equal rights” and fight against discrimination and all that and I’m all for that, but why not give the films to the stars who actually deserve it. Nickelback is one of, if not the greatest band of all time. There playlist is so diverse with songs like “So Far Away” all the way to songs like “You Look so Much Cuter With Something in Your Mouth.” These songs range from sensitive all the way to sexy, while every single one were pussy wetting. Not only are they a great band, but they also are very complex and misunderstood men. Chad Kroeger life is son unique and interesting. He once got a DUI back in 2008 and had a one year marriage with Avril Lavigne, CRAZY!!! And if that is not interesting enough for you he also got surgery for a cyst he had on his larynx, SO EDGY!!! AIDS got nothin’ on him. He also has a super sensitive side, which you could tell by a lot of the songs he writes that are totally from the heart and not written to seem like that just so he could get into women’s pants. If not a Nickelback movie, at least make a Creed one.
FOOD > COUNTRY
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I Don’t Care What Your Speaker’s Political Views are, I Don’t Want to Lose a Chance for Free Food
BY JESSICA FALBA College is a time to expose yourself to different political ideologies, or more often than not, to bolster their ideologies by attending events that bolster the ideologies they already have. While it is noble to educate oneself by attending events of respected speakers in various fields, I have to say that it’s not my goal when choosing which events to attend. Honestly, what really matters to me is whether or not there’s free food. It doesn’t really matter to me whether their views align with mine. Whether they think immigrants are murderers or conservatives are patriarchal sexual assaulters doesn’t really make a difference to me. The deciding factors are the refreshments. The truth is that though some things may divide us, there are more things that unite us-namely french fries, mozzarella sticks and free Gerlanda’s catering. We can’t let the divisiveness of our political landscape divide us where it really matters. I for one will not let the fact that your organization’s speaker blatantly go against what I believe stop me from attending your event. I won’t try to engage in thoughtful debate, expressing my views in a respectful manner in order to encourage others to consider different perspectives. I will sit quietly in the back row, nodding my head hear and there and feigning enough interest to justify my presence, but the truth is, I’m only thinking about what the appropriate interval is that I must wait until I can go back to the food table in the back of the room for seconds.
KINKY... I THINK?
I Didn’t Use My Absentee Ballot Because I Really Like Standing in a Little Box BY KAREN PARKINS
I go to college about an hour from home. Like many students, I voted absentee in 2016, but was disgruntled to find that I had been automatically registered to vote by mail again for this year’s midterms. I understand how it’s really convenient to fill out a ballot in the comfort of one’s own home without the hassle of going to a polling place, for some. However, I stand behind my decision to skip every class and drive all the way home on Election Day to make my voice heard. For one thing, I really want to get the authentic experience of casting my vote from a real voting machine. Each mail-in vote counts as like one third of a physical vote, in an effort to silence the student populace. More importantly though, the moment I got to step into that little booth where they keep the voting machine was nothing short of transcendent. Feeling those four walls boxing me in is a unique sensation I don’t truly have access to anywhere else. There was nothing but voting booth as far as the eye could see. On all four sides, I was enclosed, at last. With barely enough space to extend my full wingspan, a dark, warm wave of calm descended upon me, and I knew peace. Eyes lowered, my hands found the buttons effortlessly, and I voted as if in a dream. I was enrobed, encased by polyester on all sides. The womblike air of the booth surrounded me, and I breathed a final, cathartic sigh before stepping back out into the glaring light of my elementary school gym. I don’t think they actually counted my vote because I’d been registered as an absentee, but regardless, I got what I came for.
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Wednesday, November 7th, 2018 “Shes my inspiration, a creative genius”, on Lisa Ann
The Medium’s
NSFNNN: NOT SAFE FOR NO NUT NOVEMBEr
Adventure We went to a porn convention in Edison NJ so you dont have TO!
Meeting the Local Celebrities
Meeting the actress who ran for Vice President with John McCain (RIP)
“Hummus and Ass” - Bridgette B. on her favorite foods
“The name is a misnomer, I’m actually a very good boy” - Johnny Sins
PETS OF EXXXOTICA!
Holding Macaque
Won the Exxxotica award for Most Bitches
Wednesday, November 7th, 2018 “If I was Suddam Hussein and I was still alive, I’d be at Exxxotica”
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“Mom, I gotta pee! No, I can’t hold it anymore” -Somebody’s daughter
Laughing at a hilarious joke told by the woman violently whipping him Loving husband helping his in labor wife deliver their child with family capturing the moment Happy couple proving that size doesn’t matter
The
Gettin’ hot and heavy
subadventures of a banana at
Exxxotica
Banorgy
Taken immediately after being told where this was gonna be inserted
Getting Bruised
PERSONALS
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“I’m dead inside!”
Nerd.
Neeeeeerd
Fuck, dude, my mouse DPI is really low and I need like a foot of space to do anything.
Is this the good personals editor this week?
(I got one with variable DPI and cranked it up as high as it would go. I think this is what being on speed is like. Also, DPI is essentially mouse speed for those of you who have a life.) I resemble that remark.
(Hey, gramps, I didn’t realize you read the paper.) I’m actually a masters player, my teammates just suck.
(Even if that’s true, no one’s ever going to believe you.) Is this some kinda nerd paper now? (Hey man, if you don’t like the way I do personals, come over here and do it yourself.) I never said that I was complaining, just wanted to make sure. (Are you sure? Because I’d really like someone to come relieve me.)
(I don’t know what you’re talking about, there isn’t a good personals editor.) My girlfriend found out about my side chick and they left me... for each other. (As far as I’m concerned, that’s the best ending possible. Congratlations, you’ve won.) No, “winning” would be me ending up with BOTH of them! I don’t get anything out of this! (Where’s the justice in that? Also, quick, I need a really long personal next because I’m only 2/3s of the way down the column and I don’t want to generate another box.)
... You were right, there’s definitely no good personals editor. You’re both lazy and neither of you are funny.
(Oh, hey gramps, I didn’t realize you read the paper... Hey, what do you know, I AM lazy and unfunny!)
Come visit this dog at our pitch meetings!
We don’t actually have a dog, but please come anyway. We really need some new jokes and maybe someone funny. Wednesday @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center 111
I fucking hate millenials.
(Shut the fuck up, Karen, you were born in ‘85 and are CERTAINLY a millenial. Eat your fucking avocado toast.) I sent a picture of me vaping to my brother’s friend so he’d know I was cool and he sent it to my parents ): (That’s because you’re twelve, Dylan. Eat your vegetables and do your homework, and don’t stay up too late playing video games.) Where do babies come from? (You see, when two mommies love each other very much, they see a fertility doctor and get a sperm donor. Then they take an egg from one of the women and combine it with the sperm, and put it back into the woman where it turns into a baby. Then the other woman adopts the baby.) I don’t think that’s right... (It’s better than the nasty shit YOUR parents did you make YOU.) I’m sick of searching, I want an arranged marriage. (I’m just waiting for my parents to set me up. I may not be the most attractive out there, but I’ll be a FANTASTIC stay at home dad.) Man, I can’t wait to be a stay at home dad. Just take care of the kids, do the chores while my wife brings home the bacon. (That’s the dream, man. We’ll never live it, but it’s the dream.) I’ve seen you and you’re nowhere near attractive enough to be my househusband. (Oh yeah? Well I’ve seen YOU and you’re actually pretty hot and now I just feel a little hurt.)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
QOTW
Domestic life
Too much selfdeprecating humor is kinda depressing and gives the impression that you actualy don’t care about yourself and need to seek help. (Shut up and give me a personal, unwanted voice of reason.)
Wednesday, November 7th, 2018
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!“ -Every radio station after Halloween
I’m better than you
The last column
Three of the classes I wanted to take are already full!
What are your top five games of the year so far?
(God of War, Celeste, (Oh yeah! Well FOUR of Smash Ultimate, Octpath mine are already full, and Traveler, Celeste.) th fifth is probably gonna be Smash Ultimate even closed too! Yeah, I sure feel isn’t out yet, and you put better now that I showed Celeste on there twice. you how much worse off I am. This was the right (That’s because I played Celeste twice. Also, Smash decision.) Ultimate has a story mode I really hate it when starring kirby, and more people and ask me for importantly, finally added my pronouns. Piranha Plant. That’s GOTY material.) (Yeah, it sure is convenient when people know what to How much coffee do you call you. I can’t imagine drink a day? how annoying it is when (I actually don’t like coffee, people take your feelings but I chug hot chocolate like into account.) no one’s business. My blood Trump can’t actually sugar levels are off the fuckchange how citizenship in’ charts.) works, right? I’m actually My son says he’s bisexual, really worried because I but he’s dating a girl, so I want my daughter to be think he just wants to feel a citizen. special. (Don’t worry about it, (Yeah, then if he dates a guy he threatens to violate after her, it’s just because the constitution all the she made him swear off time, its just how he flexes girls. That’s 100% how this on minorities. He’s just sexuality works.) kicking up a fuss to hide We need an asexual whatever new scandal he’s dating simulator. in, probably just fucked another pornstar.) (I don’t know if you’re joking I bet fucking a pornstar or not, but I’d probably play is like throwing a hotdog the shit out of that. Scratch the above, that’s my new #1 down a hallway. game of 2018.) (Wow, not only is that I don’t have anything wildly offensive, it’s to say but I’m pan and I also ridiculously false. want to be included. Vaginas are muscles, they get stronger with use, so (Someone help, I can’t think girls that fuck a lot would of anything that isn’t a pots actually be TIGHTER. It’s and pans joke. I’m sorry, probably the best sex you’ll anon, you deserve better.) never have.)
Wednesday, November 7th, 2018 themedium.features@gmail.com
F/ARTS “I just f/arted”
I CAN SEE YOUR FUTURE
Whoreoscopes By Elon Thrust
Aries - Congratulations! You’ve just won one million dollars! If you could just email me your full name, address, birth date, credit card number, license number, social security number (with a copy of the card as attachment) a background check, fingerprints, proof of insurance, and any Amazon gift card you own but haven’t used yet to themedium.features@gmail.com then we can get the money into your account right away. Taurus - Oh shit, you’re totally fucked. Gemini - You do too many drugs, lay off the drugs. Cancer - You will pass your next test. No need to study, you will automatically pass. Don’t even sweat it. Leo - You need to take more risks. Next time someone asks you to do something, you must say yes. Maybe this will make you a more active person. Hopefully they won’t ask you to jump off a bridge as a joke. Virgo - You have to come to The Medium and collectively write the Features page for next week. Good luck. Libra - The next new movie you see will be awful. With how bad new movies had been, this will probably be the most accurate whorescope on here. Scorpio - You will develop a crush on one of your professors. Gross. Sagittarius - You will have a great day today. Too bad the rest of the month will be terrible. Capricorn - You will soon acquire a cute new pet but it will shit all over you. Aquarius - You will try to be productive today but get nothing done. In other words, it’ll be like every other day. Pisces - You will not abide by no fap November. Shame on you.
the Medium
IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR... SHIT I SPILLED IT
Should I Hear the Good News or the Bad News First? By Elon Thrust My friend recently asked me if I should hear the good news or the bad news first, and I haven’t spoken to him since. I just really don’t know if I want to be happy then let down or sad but then relieved. It’s such a tough philosophical question. I feel bad that I haven’t gotten back to him but I really can’t decide. I feel like two forces are pulling at me from each side, but I don’t know which one to go to first. A real yin-yang situation. When he first asked me, I almost instantly responded with “the good news”. Yet, something inside me stopped my mouth from uttering those words. The possibility of hearing the bad news first intrigued me. But I knew that would be second guessing myself, which created this whole ordeal in my mind. I need advice. Which should I hear first? It’s been getting awkward because my friend is my roommate and he asked me two days ago.
DID YOU KNOW... VOTING IS FOR PUSSIES?? FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND OTHER BULLSHIT I SPEW OF AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 111 AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM!
PROTEST WE’D GET BEHIND.. LITERALLY BY LOU SKUNT THAT TIME OF THE YEAR BY LOU SKUNT
November 7th, 2018 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com RUTGERS IS DESPERATE
RUTGE R S S C A R LE T K NI G HT S TO PAY STUDENTS TO S TAY F O R W HO LE GAME ROBIN BANKS CHEATER
NEW BRUNSWICK— On October 18, 2018, Rutgers Athletic Director Patrick Hobbs issued an unprecedented statement which resonated across the Rutgers student body. It stated, “R U proud to be a Scarlet Knight? Do you think I am wasting your tuition money on this football team? If you answered yes, no or are indifferent, I have a proposal for you. As a courtesy, Rutgers University will be issuing $5 to every Rutgers “fan” at the end of each home game. News of this statement spread like wildfire, with many praising Hobbs for practically buying them half a burrito from Tacoria every game. The year of 2017 did not treat the Scarlet Knights well.
Who wants $5? Many Rutgers students, that's who
With an average home game attendance of 39,749, High Point Solutions Stadium was only filled to three-quarters of its maximum capacity. Further, the students section nearly emptied out by halftime. As for season-
ticket holders, they were left wondering what in the world led them to buy $435 in tickets. This initiative brought about by Patrick Hobbs is a way to “give back” to the community. When asked about whether or not this program would
be successful, Hobbs proudly exclaimed, “Of course this will work. Many students complain how Rutgers wastes their money on the football team, but here we are trying to give your tuition money back. If I were a student and not making $615,000, I would make it a point to be at every game.” The program, starting during the 2019-2020 football season aims to promote a tighterknit student community and to fight underage drinking before games. When asked whether or not this program will work, an already wasted Honors College freshman, Nick Patel, said, “Yes and no. I got this whole thing figured out. I will still be pregaming with my boys but show up 10 minutes before the game ends and collect my money.” This kid is going places.
LET THE MAN TALK
RAJON RO ND O S P I T S AT C HR I S PAUL: WORLD F I ND S O U T HE HA S A LISP ROBIN BANKS HOPELESS ROMANTIC
LOS ANGELES— With the
NBA finishing up its first week, tensions flared on October 20th when the Houston Rockets faced the Los Angeles Lakers. The game was special because it was a game of firsts: Lebron James’s first game in Los Angeles, Lakers fans’ first glimpse of a possible playoff contending team, and the world’s first glimpse at Rajon Rondo’s lisp. With about 4:13 remaining in the game, a brawl ensued when Rockets’ point guard Chris Paul claimed Rondo spit on him. It was only after the game did the NBA world find
Rondo "Talking" Hey, he has a condition
out about Rajon Rondo’s lisp. Rondo, a soft-spoken man had to say this: “Man, thith thucks. "I wath having a clean game
and had a few worths to thay to Chrith. And before I knew it, thith man began touching my face, so I began hitting back”.
MAKINg fun of ourselves SInce 1970
Paul, unaware of Rondo’s condition was not sympathetic. “That guy spit on me like a guy spitting mouthwash in a sink”, said a now minty fresh Paul. A couple of hours after the game, Rajon Rondo along with Mike Tyson set up the National Lisp Program. This program supports children with lisps who play sports, so that they may not end up suspended for 3 games like Rondo. Please, donate today.