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Nov. 14st, 2018
Volume LVI 69¢ Issue 00001001 HEARTWARMING!
THIS COUPLE ‘SETTLED FOR EACH OTHER’ AFTER ‘MEETING AT THE SAME STOPLIGHT NINE TIMES.’ TAUT JOPLIN SINEWY
BOUND BROOK — It’s cuddle season, and everyone seems to be newly frustrated with the pretty gross world of mobileapp dating. Indeed, the sheer number of average-looking and perfectly nice people available just a Facebook pop away can be overwhelming in and of itself. In an age many are calling “the digital age,” it can be easy to forget that people used to meet in real life. But don’t lose hope, dear reader, true romance is still out there for the finding! Julia Stopwatch, 27, and Tannen Banx, 26, announced their engagement to a small group of family and friends last week at the Cheesecake Factory in Bridgewater. Coming from entirely different walks of life,
DRIVING INTO THE INTERSECTION OF LOVE Get outta my dreams (Get in to the back seat baby) Get in to my car
the couple’s meeting could be described as fortuitous, or as a bizarre series of coincidences. “I first saw Tannen at the onramp to I-287 N in Somerset. I looked over, totally by chance, and saw this guy yawning.
His yawn made me yawn, so I yawned, and then we sort of made eye contact while yawning. It was weird at the time because I wasn’t sure if he knew that I had caught his yawn and we were yawning the same Continued on Page 2
ROMANCE IS ALIVE AND WELL BABY
MODERN DAY ROMEO AND JULIET: RUTGERS AND PENN STATE STUDENTS FUCKING SUE DENIM HAS VISUAL AIDS
NEW BRUNSWICK— So often these days it seems as though that unobtainable and fleeting emotion known as love has been purged from our society, stripped of its meaning, left to rot in the annals of history. That is, until you hear about stories like this one. Rutgers Junior Alyssa Capuchin met Penn State Senior Gregory Montgomery through Tinder, the technological Yente known for connecting unlikely matches such as this. And none too soon; The two students were clearly high profile suitors considering they had their
FORBIDDEN LOVE MAKES THE HEART BURN SEXY Not heart burn like pyrosis like a heart burning with love. You get it.
distances set to 228 miles. “I knew it was true love when his bio said ‘Looking for my Pam’ and then opened up with a gif of Jim looking directly
into the camera and doing the Jim face,” said Alyssa, holding hands and gazing longingly into her lover’s eyes. “We’ve been Continued on Page 2
NOT OVERSHARING Since 1970
QUICKIES
HEY If You're Reading This Please Come To Our Meetings And Lend Your Voice To Our Publication I'm Serious Please Come We'll Be In LSC 117D Guy In HalfZip Sweater Way More Confident Than He Should Be Ted Cruz Gets Plastic Sugery To Look More Like Beto Greenland Shark Found Dead At Tragically Young Age Of 342 Smoke Detectors Don't Actually Need Batteries
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NEWS
"Walk lightly, the dark is a fickle mistress."
WHO'S THAT REPEAT OFFENDER?
DETECTIVE PIKACHU INDICTED ON MULTIPLE FELONY CHARGES JESSE JAMES GEMINI
PALLET TOWN, KANTO— Off the heels of receiving a movie deal for his life story, Detective Pikachu has just been indicted for a litany of extrajudicial crimes. Charges include serial felony murder, trafficking copious amounts of the illicit stardust and black tar heroin product he supposedly swept off the street, and being complicit in an underground animal fighting ring. Det. Pikachu was detained last weekend by heroic Team Rocket private security forces in an undercover sting operation, who lured him with numerous promises of Berries, Pokeblock Candies, and a lurid one-night stand with a bronzed, bleached blonde 47-year-old hooker named Gardevoir Lightning. “Complicit?” His highpitched voice bellowed down the steps of the Pallet Town Courtroom, “C’mon!” But that was NOT the sentiment of the mass of protestors following his lead. When one heckled him concerning his mass slaughter and proclivity for violently electrocuting his victims, he pleaded “Murder? MURDER?!?!
SO SWEET
LOVE IS REAL!
yawn, but looking back it was a really intimate moment,” said Julia of their meeting. “At first the bright green internal lights in his car were kind of a turnoff, but after the third time we pulled up next to each other at that very same onramp, I knew it was meant to be.” “Yeah, I didn’t think we would be right for each other from the beginning,” Tannen added, “She was a total stranger that I’d only seen nine times. But I realized we must have had
Editorial Staff Fall 2018
Wednesday, November 14th, 2018
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LET'S HOPE THIS DOESN'T END IN SUICIDE
BUT REALLY 1-800-273-8255
boning ever since.” While the story seems like a textbook fairytale, the match hasn’t come without its controversies. Rutgers and Penn State have a long lasting rivalry, the reason for which has been unclear to historians. Some have postured that it stems back to Rutgers losing in overtime to Penn State in football, but this is pretty unlikely, because who would give a shit about that for this long. *Editor’s note: Fuck Penn State Either way, students won’t give students from the other respective universities the time of day. “If I saw a Penn State fucker trying to mingle with one of US, I’d clock em both. FUCK PENN STATE,” said Rutgers Sigma
...continued from front
Sigma rusher Tront Bradson. With tensions so high, it’s no wonder the two have decided to meet in secret halfway in Bethel, PA. “Yeah we’ve been meeting in this Motel 6 here halfway in Bethel once a week for 12 weeks now. It’s pretty romantic, I know,” said Montgomery. An added benefit of meeting in Dutch Pennsylvania is the inexplicable abundance of sex shops in the area. Anyone who has ventured across the keystone state knows what I'm talking about. While the rest of the school is focused on the tension from the upcoming Penn State Game, these love birds are focused on fucking each other's brains out.
I swear on my heart, I swear on Ash’s balls, I swear on the holy fuckin’ might of Arceus that they fainted! I was just following orders!” When pressed on the alleged gruesome electric tail flaying of an unarmed baby Togepi, Mr. Pikachu simply testified that it was in a “self-defense scenario” against a “crystal flaunting thug.” “Listen pal, you would’ve accepted the offer too if you saw the Bulbas on her!” Detective Pikachu also lamented in a behind-bars tell all with Chris Hansen of NBC Dateline fame, alleging that all he was simply looking for was “to blast off again, and again, and again, and again.” MARVEL DIDN'T WANT YOU TO SEE Hansen is a storied, wellversed captor of predators of RELEASE WAS SPECIFIED IN LEE'S WILL all types, but even he seemed floored by the sudden allegations which came to light concerning Detective Pikachu. In his peak over twenty years, Detective Pikachu was alleged to have "The Spirit moved 40,000 kilos of pure street of New York crystal, black tar heroin, fentanyl is my laced Pokeblocks, and stardust. Rosebud. Given that he is only ten years I've been of age, trainer Ash Ketchum will working on not be tried as an adult. them for years. ...continued from front They are a something pretty important in sentient pile common if we both drove on a of rats and major state highway at the same garbage in a time a few nights a week, so on trench coat. that ninth evening I rolled down It was too the window and asked her out.” bold for All of their family members Marvel so it and mutual friends see Julia and rotted. It's Tannen’s love as a beacon of light my biggest in the often-bleak landscape pride and of modern dating, or at least it biggest looked like they did from my failure" table. The two have been dating -Stan Lee since late 2016 and plan to wed next September.
VAULTED STAN LEE CHARACTER: "THE SPIRIT OF NEW YORK"
Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Managing Editor Marissa Schwartz Business Manager Shaina Joseph Mascot Sick New Brunswick Cat
News Editors Dan Cretella Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Jeff Zhang Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Zoe Sifnakis Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field Neck Knots
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in the Livingston Student Center. This issue is dedicated to our scissor sister satire publications LYSM <333
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FEATURES
“Take what you want, except from a baby”
HOW’S THE WEATHER DOWN THERE?
Top 10 Ways to Hide that You’re a Manlet
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I LOVED HIS SPEECH AT THE HUMOR CONFERENCE
Why I Idolize Ben Shapiro
By Elon Thrust 1) Stilts. 2) Go to your friendly neighborhood hardware store and buy a ladder and stand on it as much as possible. Take it to social gatherings such as parties and classes and claim that your mother is a ladder saleswoman and she wanted you to promote her product. You may seem like a momma’s boy, but at least no one will know you’re a manlet. 3) Befriend other, shorter manlets. Is the manliest manlet among the manlets really a manlet? 4) Remember those medieval strecher contraptions? Yeah, that. Some of you may be questioning if this would be worth it. If you’re actually still reading this list, then yes. 5) Grow. 6) Watch copious amounts of basketball. 7) Stand on the tips of your toes for weeks at a time. 8) Hide behind other actual men. No one will know you’re there, but no one will know you’re a manlet either. 9) Put cardboard in your shoes. 10) You may run like 8 million miles a week, exercise as much as possible, and eat like 2 waffles a day, but you might still be a degenerate manlet. Sometimes, there’s just no cures out there.
#DRINKNATION
Apparently Vaping is Unhealthy, So I Just Drink the Juice Now By Elon Thrust Although vaping is used as a healthy alternative to smoking, it seems that it comes with many problems of its own. It is still very addicitive, damages the young brain, and may even cause lung problems over time. So, I came up with a brilliant idea. It makes the somewhat unhealthy but healthier alternative to smoking even healthier! Instead of inhaling dangerous chemicals into my lungs, why not just drink them? My lungs would be completely untouched when using it. I know it’s probably not actively healthy because I’m still getting nicotine and literally drinking fucking vape juice, but it’s definitely healthier than vaping. I’m already addicted, and quitting would be difficult. I’m only 15, do you really think I should be doing something as drastic as quitting a very addictive substance? I don’t think I’m mature enough yet for something like that. I really think this is the best move I can make at this point. I hope this works, my addiction depends on it. Cheers.
DID YOU KNOW... DARE DIPLOMAS MAKE THE BEST BLUNT WRAPS?? FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND OTHER MESSED UP STUFF AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 117D AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM!
By Elon Thrust This man is a lovely saint. He is beautiful, well-spoken, and a true innovator. He exposes our flaws and reminds us of our triumphs. Remind you of anyone? *cough* JESUS *cough* His ability to incite terror, love, and hatred really get me going. Whenever he just walks on stage I start sparking up an erection. He is so bold and brave, appearing on many liberal talk shows such as` Real Time with Bill Maher. Many of these shows are hostile environments for hardcore conservatives, but Benny boy proudly goes and shares his brilliant views, and may I say, looks dashing as he does so. And have you seen him with a yarmulke on? It fits him so well and just really completes the whole look. I think it makes his points even more poignant, not that he needs it. But it just drives it all home. If I were to date any man, it would be Benjamin Aaron Shapiro. ( ) I’m not into dating men, just if I had to. And I’ve thought about exactly how it’d go. It would be on a warm summer evening, with us sitting on the beach after a long day of debating politics. Maybe he’d even play some violin for me. I’d be reading one of his books, look up at him and see the setting sun glistening on his face and say, “The only thing I’d like to do more than get rid of every gun regulation in existence is kiss you right now”. Again, obviously I’m not into this, it’s just what would happen if I had to do it. Anyway, I hope you can see why I idolize the sexiest man alive, Ben Shapiro. His vast knowledge and sculpted, chizzled body just take my breath away. I hope you at least hold him in an extremely high regard now.
DON’T BE AGEIST
Study Finds Age is a Spectrum, Old People Delighted
By Elon Thrust Old people everywhere were excited to hear about a new study from Middlesex County College that found that age is not a finite number, but actually a spectrum. This gave them newfound hope and an instant feeling reminiscent of their young lives. Here are a few quotes from elderly citizens: “I knew people calling me 73 just didn’t feel right. Thankfully, this study has confirmed my suspicions. I finally feel young again” -Eleanor “What? Where am I?” -Stella “My leg pain immediately went away when I read this study! I could feel my wrinkles dissipate and erectile dysfunction resolve instantly!” -Steve
the Medium
OPINIONS “The world will always suck because we choose to see it that way.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What Are Your Family Thanksgiving Traditions? “Leaving dinner early to work my shitty retail job.” Josh Fuester A representative of the working class or just a college student?
“Avoiding being left alone with my uncle.” Jessica Qudrow Don’t we all.
“Enjoying it as the closest thing I can get to Christmas.” Esther Feldman Jewish.
A HARSH REALITY
The MCU Dies With Stan Lee BY KYLE MEDADDY
Stan Lee was one of the greatest men to ever live. A co-creator of Marvel Comics and the imaginative mind that brought us heroes, such as Thor, Ironman, and Spider-man. The man was a genius and was working hard in the industry until the day he died. Many don’t know this, but Stan Lee in his later years Cameoed in every marvel movie ever. This includes all the movies in the MCU. This makes him the only character to be in every MCU movie. That is why the MCU will die with Stan Lee. He is clearly the most vital character in the MCU. Stan Lee was a mailman, a general, a bus driver, and many more and none of the films these characters were would work without them. You might be thinking, “I guess that’s true, but can’t you just re-cast him?” and I’d tell you that’s a stupid fucking question. Would you be ok with they replaced Robert Downey Jr. as Ironman or Chris Hemsworth as Thor? Fuck no! so why would you ever even ask that you idiot. Have some goddamn respect, the man is dead. Could you imagine Civil War without the Fedex guy that mistakes Tony Stark’s name for Tony Stank (classic) or The Incredible Hulk without the man who dies from drinking the Pingo Doce soda. No you can’t it is impossible the movies would make no sense. The MCU is dead and there’s nothing we could do about it. Unless you know some way to resurrect Stan Lee, because that would be sick if you did.
Wednesday, November 14th, 2018
SETTING GOALS
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I Can’t Wait Till I Peak as a MiddleAged Mom BY DEBBIE WETHERS
My name is actually Jessica, but I’m going by Debbie now. I’m nearing the close of my college career and I’m ready for the next page of my life. That next page is full-on motherhood. I thought I wanted a career before I pursued a family, but I changed my mind. College has worn me down. I don’t desire professional recognition or the satisfaction of knowing I made my mark in the field I’ve been studying for the past four years, I’m ready to put a bun in this oven. At the beginning of autumn, I bought my first ever crockpot and instantly felt connected to a long line of amateur home cooks who whip up casseroles and stews for their families. That moment, something that I never felt coursed through my veins. I needed a baby inside me at that instant. I suddenly had the urge to clean my apartment from top to bottom. I just want to tuck children into bed. I cut my hair into a chic choppy bob and I transformed my outside to match how I now feel inside. Why should I devote an hour of my day to grooming my long locks when I could be baking or shuttling kids from school to activities? My relationships in college haven’t fulfilled me as much as I would like. I am ready for the bond between mother and child. I will rock it in the PTA, planning birthday parties and family trips. I already pack excessive amounts of snacks and tissues for wherever I go.
FAMILY PROBLEMS, AM I RIGHT?
Top 10 Family Members I am Not Excited to See this Thanksgiving
1. My uncle who ran wrestling camp in his basement. 2. My other uncle who helped my other run wrestling. 3. My other uncle who molested me. 4. My other uncle who told me to check out my other uncles’ wrestling. 5. My other uncle who is a priest and keeps trying to get me to church with him. Alone. 6. My Cool uncle who always offers to take a dip with him in his backyard above ground Jacuzzi. 7. My aunt who accused me of stealing her husband. 8. My other aunt who accused me of coming on to her. 9. My cousin who I came on too. 10. My Dad who invited all my uncles over for my birthday party.
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REJECTED SCREENPLAY
PAGE A7 “Oh”
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WHOROSCOPES - FETISH EDITION
By: Fritz Bikells This is a scene from a movie I wrote called “Bad Nights in Rome...Italy”. This is the climax of the movie where Doug must face his greatest threat yet to save his gf.
Licking desert plants brings back the worst traumas of my life.
When the machine doesn’t scan your oreos at self-checkout and you’d rather die than become a thief.
“In order for the future to live the past must die. I’m sorry Winnie”Pooh’s 2018 Replacement
WHOROSCOPES - FETISH EDITION
The Keysmash: The Mating Call of the American Gen Z Lesbian By: Heywood Jablomi We’ve all seen it, you’re on a discord server and messenger chat, and this one girl ends all her messages with “ajfhasodkfnvak”, or maybe just sends a message that simply says “xlczxvzjx” in response to something else. Now, the knee jerk reaction is just “wow, that’s kind of annoying”, but we’ve done some research, and what we’ve found may shock you. Looking at the statistics, 94.333% of these girls are not straight, and 85.216% of that group are single and not in an open relationship. That means 80.38681% of those girls who come into group chats and spam their keyboards at it are available ladies who, to some degree, like other ladies. From these results, we can extrapolate that there’s a clear and undeniable correlation, and therefore causation: “asfodsoiv”, and any other nonsensical collection of letters, is a mating call. It’s a way for one girl to let all the other girls in the group chat or discord server or wherever this conversation is occurring that she’s looking for another girl to love. Even the no-longer-single ones likely have the habit ingrained into them. So next time you’re mildly annoyed by someone going “vzmvndkjancxkjv” in response to that funny meme you sent, don’t get annoyed by their apparent disengagement from the conversation or repetitive “contributions” to it. They’re looking for love, or at least a one night stand or something, and maybe they’ll find it. And that’s beautiful.
PERSONALS
the Medium Show-off
I don’t get Anti Social Social Club. If there’s any non-international-asian people wearing it please let me know what’s the big deal with this thing. (Just went on their website, every single thing is sold out. Every Single Thing. Goodbye, cruel world.) Do you have any control over your life? (I drank a can of Four Loko on a Tuesday afternoon. I’m gonna say no.)
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“Now a weekly leftist rant!”
RIP
I don’t get all the bus Stan Lee died today and jokes anymore since I I didn’t feel anything, haven’t ridden a bus what’s wrong wih me? since 2017. Being an Eng- (You are a monster. I didn’t lish major living on CAC really feel anything either but that’s what they told is great. me.) (Oh go fuck yourself. You’ll live to regret it when it’s Is it true that gingers don’t have souls? time for you to find a job.) Hi EIC of the Princeton (If you are talking about the Tiger Mag, I am in love ginger root, no. with you. -EIC of the If you are talking about people with red hair, since all Medium my crushes lately have been (Please respond to this. If I can make one romance happen in my year-long tenure as the personals editor, it’s worth it.)
Wednesday, November 14th, 2018
gingers, I’m gonna say no, either.) My girlfriend asked me if we could have a threesome with a guy friend of hers, what should I do? (Say yes. She and your best friend have been sleeping together since July so really what’s the harm in that?) Is it wrong of me to jack off to my roomate jacking off? (I’m gonna say good for you? Only if your roommate don’t have a problem with it. Consent is everything.)
More cool Fall vibes.
I just looked at my iPhone notes and all I found is all of the long texts I’ve sent to old girlfriends. (Let me guess: they all broke up with you immediately after you did that. ) Blue wave at the midterm election! Woo! (A 15-seat House majority and lost at least 1 seat in the Senate, I would call it a blue ripple. But in other news I help won a senate race in NJ and it felt better than doing coke so yeah I get where you are coming from.)
I don’t have a midterm exam this week and I don’t know what to do. (It’s just an exam. Midterm lasts from the end of September till the first week of December. The word has lost its meaning. But good for you, go on a run or something, you can’t study for an exam if your head’s stuffy.) Conversation opener: So I was talking about you in therapy. . . (Cool? I mean that’s a power move but I anticipate an awkward period of silence.) My roommate keeps eating all my food, how do I stop him? (I’d invest in either a minifridge, a lockbox, or a taste for English food.) I have a knot in my neck the size of an ostrich egg. (I don’t even know how big is an ostrich egg. Is it bigger or smaller than a small watermelon? Anyway, I would recommend a hot stone message or a swedish message done by an actual swede.) He’s not extremely xenophobic so I guess that’s pretty cool. (The bar is on the floor.)
Build shit with us at our pitch meetings. Seriously, we need actual funny people. We haven’t had any good writers in years. It could be you! What are you waiting for? Wednesday @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center 117D
QOTW
Midterms
How do I let my upstairs neighbors know that they are having sex wrong?
“There is more than one way to skin a cat, but no good way to tell the family why.”
-Jon Arbuckle
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving pt.2
Do people always get turkeys for thanksgiving? My whole family hates it and we just never get it.
Do you like Thanksgiving at all?
(A holiday that focuses on murdering poultry, stuff(Apparently we all hate ing yourself full of food, turkeys but somehow get and celebrating native tricked into eating it once American murders, what’s a year. I mean, it could be not to love?) worse. And the stuffing and This year my family the cranberry sauce and the learned another race my gravy’s not that bad.) grandpa is not a fan of bringing the total to 6. I made stew last night. (There is something about (Cool.) being locked in a house My roommate made a with a dozen people, fatty food, and alchohol that list of family members brings out that old southhe doesn’t wanna see on ern pride in your family.) Thanksgiving and it’s all My grandmother got a uncles. medical marijuana li(Oof. Must be a tough childcense this year. Is there a hood. Indulge their trust issafe way to ask her how I sues.) can take a hit? Do I have to ask for the turkeys to consent be- (Just ask. She’s too high to fore I go wrist deep with realize you are her grandchild and she’s letting evstuffing? eryone taking a hit at the (That’s quite an image but dinner table so you would I’m gonna say you are safe.) eat more.) I’m a vegeterian but my Hey my fellow editors, girlfriend’s parents are do you even fucking read making me eat turkey, this page? what should I do? (I really don’t think they do. (That’s why my person- I’m just tucking this in here al rule is never to date a to make sure.) girl long enough to have Thanksgiving at her place. Phil has been in office for Hahahaha I’m so alone. almost a year and we still haven’t gotten weed. I *cry*) I have the sneaking sus- feel like I was lied to.
(Write a heartfelt letter and sneak it under their door I guess? How are they having sex wrong? I have so picion that my professor is a total bitch. many questions. Why are white people so (The best test is to spend all class on your phone and see into this 23&Me stuff? if they say anything.) (So they can say they are 52.77% Sicillian ane be proud of it.)
(It’s a piss fight with Steve Sweeny, if you are a cute girl I’d get coffee with you and try to explain.)
Wednesday, November 14th, 2018
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ARTS
“Bangladesh is indeed a real country and not a part of India”
MONA LISA ANN BY LOU SKUNT
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DICK OF THE WEEK MOVIE BY LOU SKUNT
LATEST IN TITSHARE TECHNOLOGY BY LOU SKUNT
HELP WANTED: ARE YOU A SHORT 5’6 AND WAY BELOW AVERAGE HEIGHT MALE WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM AND WHOSE ONLY SKILLS ARE MAKING CRUDE PHOTOSHOPS AND JERKING OFF EVERY DAY? THEN COME JOIN THE MEDIUM AND MEET OTHERS JUST LIKE YOU! WE MEET EVERY WEDNESDAY AT SOMEWHERE IN THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER AT 7:45PM OR 19:45 FOR EVERYONE ELSE.
november 14th, 2018 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com RU! NAH! NAH!
PENN S TAT E SE E S I NC R E A S E D TRANSFER RATE A HE A D O F P E NN S TAT E V S. RUTGERS ROBIN BANKS FUTURE TRANSFER
NEW BRUNSWICK— On Tuesday, November 13, Penn State Director of Admissions Clark V. Brigger announced that this past week Penn State Admissions experienced a deluge of transfer requests, particularly from students currently attending Rutgers University. “I had come across a couple of names that I had seen before. We obviously had rejected them due to their poor transcripts. We at Penn State are very happy that Rutgers believes everyone deserves a chance at success”, said Brigger. The Medium recently caught up with a couple of students eager to transfer to Rutgers’ apparent rival. Their stories uncovered a truth kept hidden for many
The Great Exodus The Nittany Moses
years. Freshman Rajesh Patel, a student at the Honors College, was the most eager. He said, “I got rejected from every single Ivy I applied to. The least I could ask for is to enjoy a real football
game, where the home team actually has a chance of winning. This is why I want to transfer to Penn State. Not because it is the No. 2 producer of CEOs, but for the football.” Many students that have applied to Penn State as transfers
hope to attend this week’s game as Nittany Lions and experience their first real taste of victory. What Rutgers considers a rivalry, is not a rivalry at all. Historically, Penn State is 26-2 against Rutgers. The last time Rutgers won against Penn State was the same year that George H.W. Bush proved himself to be Liar-in-Chief (look it up you uncultured fools). Well, you know, Rutgers pride. It is the same pride that gave us this stateof-the-art bus system and one which spends millions on the lousy football team in the first place. A word of advice would be to take a deep breath and opt for a D-III ranking. I’m sure students would still tailgate at 7 AM to show their Rutgers pride.
THE TRIUMVIRATE OF DUKE
DUKE B LU E D E V I LS F R E S HM E N DEFACE OTHER P LAY E R S FAC E S ROBIN BANKS DUKE FAN
DURHAM, N.C. — The Duke Men’s Basketball Team is off to a 2-0 start, thanks to their elite lineup including three freshmen: Zion Williamson, RJ Barrett and Cam Reddish. All three players, poised to be the top three draft picks in June’s NBA draft, are definitely leaving their mark on not only the game, but also literally every other college basketball player. Given that the college basketball season has just started, Duke is basically
on by a Duke freshman” if they were to actually get posterized by a Duke freshman this season. Given that these chances are very high, many players are also starting to worry about their future job prospects. Eastern Michigan’s guard and most likely middle school rec. basketball coach, Malik Ellison, said, “I don’t want kids making fun of me in the future. I refuse to let them PJ Washington displaying his new tat dunk on me”. Only time will One more for the collection tell until many draft prospects this year’s March Madness Duke in its tracks. Many players will be sharing the same tattoos champion. With this in mind, have signed agreements stating on their foreheads. many players from other that they will personally tattoo schools are determined to stop their forehead “I got dunked
getting dunked on SInce 1970