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Nov. 28TH, 2018
Volume LVI Issue like 11 50¢ TOSS OUT YOUR SALADS
AREA MAN NOT WORRIED ABOUT ROMAINE RECALL, DOESN’T EVEN EAT SALAD THROBIN WILLIAMS PRETENDING TO BE A NANNY
NEW BRUNSWICK— Last week the FDA issued a countrywide recall on romaine lettuce, but New Brunswick man Mark Roskie, 22, hasn’t been affected at all. His secret? He doesn’t eat salad. At all. “When I first heard about the recall I didn’t even have to think about whether I was exposed to the E. coli,” Roskie said “because I don’t even eat salad.” Roskie largely sustains himself off sandwiches from Kilmer’s Market, pizza from Sbarro or the hot bar at the dining hall. Lettuce plays almost no part in the college senior’s diet. The outbreak, which has affected more than 30 people in 11 states has almost no way to get to Roskie. “Yeah, some sandwiches
LETTUCE? I HARDLY KNOW HER! Miss me with that crunch, man!
at Kilmer’s have lettuce on them. But I’m not really sure what kind of lettuce goes on what because I don’t eat it. And I don’t order those anyway. I usually just get takeout.” The takeout he’s referring to is the to-go option at Rutgers’
dining halls and mainly consists of fried foods like mac and cheese bites, chicken nuggets, onion rings and fries. The unhealthy food that is carefully rationed to each student by a dining hall employee has virtually no chance of coming into contact Continued on Page 2
WHAT EVEN IS RACKETEERING?
PRESIDENT TRUMP PREEMPTIVELY PARDONS TEKASHI 6IX9INE
CARL “YUNG XYLOMETAZOLINE” MUELLER
WASHINGTON, D.C.— At his latest rally in the lead-up to election season, Trump has announced his plans to presidentially pardon controversial Brooklyn rapper Daniel Hernandez, known professionally as Tekashi 6ix9ine, should he be sentenced to serve anywhere from 32 years to life in prison. “Listen, I’ve never personally met Mr. Tekashi, I don’t know Mr. Tekashi. What I do know is that Kanye was one of the good ones folks, very very smart cookie until he stopped working with Candace
OL' RAINBOW TEETH For the people
Owens that is, but anyone who associates with his genius must be very fine people too.” This announcement comes amid 6ix9ine’s recent arrest for
numerous federal racketeering and weapons charges stemming from his associations with the Nine Trey Gangsters, a sect of
TUSSLIN' Since 1970
Continued on Page 2
QUICKIES
Local Child Loves Ice Cream So Much He Marries It Wait No But Come To Our Meetings We Could Really Use Some Fresh Faces Join Us ASAP In LSC Room 117D Johnny Depp Highkey Still Alive And Thriving At Age 55 Courageous Not Weekly Newspaper Finally Brings Memes to Print Media I Drank A Glass Of Apple Cider Vinegar And Now I'm Bulletproof Non-Italian Spells Proscuttio Right
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NEWS
"I have a small amount of homemade mashed potatoes"
G-D BLESS AMERICA
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THE SCUMLIFE OF THE EARTH
BLACK FRIDAY CHAOS BESTS TERRORIST PLOT JEN DIRBENDER SOMETIMES WEARS A PANTS
PISCATAWAY— Last Friday hundreds of lives were saved when a would be mass shooter was trampled to death inside a local Walmart. Touting a high capacity automatic rifle, the shooter, who will remain unnamed, planned to open fire into the densely populated shopping center, taking advantage of the enticing deals to ensure a massive body count. Luckily, the shooter’s plans were foiled as a huge wave of shoppers rushed over him, trampling him to death in a matter of seconds.This has been declared by many to be the greatest good capitalism has ever done for humanity. The shooter’s body was reduced to an indiscernible red mass in the scuffle, and authorities are currently waiting for a
Wednesday, November 28th, 2018
DNA test in order to declare whether he was a thug, or just misunderstood. It is believed that the killing blow was dealt to the shooter’s windpipe by the 73 year old Meredith Williams, who was later quoted as saying “What shooter? All I know is that my grandkids are going to love this new Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare game.” Preparations are currently being made by local government to present Ms. Williams with the highest honor they are able to bestow: Captain of the Neighborhood watch. The Central Jersey NRA chapter has released a statement saying they plan to protest the ceremony in order to demand justice for the shooter, who was, in their eyes, a victim of prejudice, or something.
IN OTHER NEWS VITALITY AND DECAY EXIST AS TWO VECTORS OPERATING IN THE SAME DIMENSTION
THE NUMBER IS SILENT
the East Coast Bloods. 6ix9ine is slated to stand trial on September 4th, 2019. “My fellow Americans, when I assumed some, some of those people were good people, brave, decent men like Hombre Sixty Nine were amongst those people. The lying media LOVES to paint illegal women and children invading OUR borders as helpless victims who can’t handle a little internment camps or tear gas in their faces. Yet, whilst doing that, they utterly omit the bold patriotism of legal Americans like Taqueria 72, demonize him in fact. We’ve seen it with me, we’ve seen it with Honorable Justice Kavanaugh.” Alluding to his administration’s own sexual misconduct allegations, as well as 6ix9ine’s own with filming a 13 year old girl, Trump congratulated Tekashi 6ix9ine’s
...continued from front
“illustrious record” for women’s rights. “No one respects women more than I or Justice Kavanaugh do, but Danny and that XXTemptation kid really came close,” he remarked, referring to late Florida rapper XXXTentacion. “It’s a despicable travesty, really, what our failing media has done, taking a five minute video and 27 minute tape out of context to define two decades of storied life experiences. I know that all too well.” President Trump concluded his address by explaining how “it is a tremendous honor to pardon such a bold patriot. Mr. Hernando is a self-made entrepreneur like me, a true iconoclast, and much like myself, also isn’t afraid to flaunt alternative hairstyles.”
OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND
LETTUCE WHAT?
with romaine lettuce. “I actually don’t think I’ve ever eaten more than like, a quarter of a salad. If the food is taking a long time at a restaurant I’ll eat the croutons and maybe pick at the lettuce, but I really never touch the stuff otherwise.” Food scientists at Rutgers New Brunswick have reported that this is the first time that people who don’t eat salad are healthier than those who do. Researching professor Esther Byrnes made time to comment in between her vomiting and diarrhea.
...continued from front
“I’m feeling very ill ever since I ate at SaladWorks last week. But people who don’t buy in to all this health stuff and aren’t actively trying to live forever may actually live longer than those of us who eat lettuce. I haven’t left my bathroom in six days and am incredibly dehydrated.” At press time, Roskie was seen devouring a slice of roman style pizza, a breadstick and an orange soda with no ice in the Livi Student Center, with no vegetable in sight.
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117D of the Livingston Student Center on Livingston Campus. This issue is dedicated to our beautiful daughter Shaina, we will always love you
Wednesday, November 28th, 2018 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES “thiccccc”
I’M NOT TELLING WHICH I AM
Quiz: Are You a Good, Bad, or Terrible Person? By Elon Thrust
Question 1: You find a phone on the ground with no one around. Obviously, you’d a) go to the nearest police station and turn it in. b) wipe it and attempt to sell it. c) send dick pics to as many people as you can. Send the highest quality ones to their parents. Question 2: You are in a group and someone starts telling you a joke. It begins with “So a priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar”. You wonder if a) you should pause them and make sure the joke won’t offend anyone in the group. b) you’ve heard this one before. c) it’s funnier than the rape joke you’re about to tell. Question 3: Your friend’s boyfriend/girlfriend is drunk and tries to kiss you. Your most likely course of action is a) pushing him or her away and taking them home or telling your friend. b) accepting the kiss but stopping it quickly and you will never tell your friend about it. c) totally thinking you’re gonna get to third base tonight. Question 4: You are taking an easy test but quickly become very horny and want to masturbate. You are in the back of the class and it would be difficult for others to see. You a) finish the test and do nothing because God is always watching. b) play around with your genitals a bit but are careful. c) load some porn on your phone, put your hand down you pants, and even moan a little because you’re a champion. Question 5: You see a nerdy kid drop papers all over the floor. You a) help him pick them up and reorganize them. b) walk by and do nothing. c) chokeslam him into the ground. Question 6: You have some free time, so you decide to a) volunteer at a church in New Brunswick. b) play video games. c) fight homeless people. Time to find out if society would be better without you! Mostly A’s: You are a good person, no matter what your mean dad tells you. Mostly B’s: You are a pretty bad person, but not all hope is lost. If you work on your character there’s a chance you can really become a good person! Mostly C’s: Terrible. What the fuck is wrong with you. You should be ashamed.
DID YOU KNOW... EVERY EDITOR IS AT LEAST AN 8/10??? FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND OTHER WAYS I BOOST MY CONFIDENCE OF AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 201B AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM!
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MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCHES
Um, Actually, Christmas Doesn’t Come Early Enough By Ben Shapiro I’ve been hearing from the biased liberal media that people aren’t happy that Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year, but if you actually paid attention in private school you’d know that Christmas is objectively the best holiday. And yes, I am sure all you feminists and cucks out there are itching to throw my Jewish heritage in my face. However, when you’re paid as much as I am from conservative Christian pundits, I am basically an honorary holy crusader- a crusader for logic. I mean have you even looked at the other holidays for a second? They’re terrible. Thanksgiving is just watered down Christmas, you get together with friends and family for a nice meal but without gifts what’s the fucking point. Halloween, more like Halloweiner am I right. Just a bunch of shit kids running around asking for handouts. It’s called a fucking job, go down to your local mill and start working to buy your own damn candy. How about Valentine’s day? It’s got the gift part right, but you need to actually find someone that can tolerate you for longer than a couple hours so that’s completely ruled out. The only holidays worth a damn are Fourth of July and Veterans’ day, but as this great country was established as a Christian nation I think the founding fathers would be honored if Christmas took their place. In conclusion, instead of everyone just wasting their time on all of the other irrelevant holidays we should just celebrate Christmas all-year. And I know that many of the libtards out there are gonna object and say that these holidays can be just as fun as Christmas, but come on let’s be real. Facts don’t care about your feelings and it’s Merry Christmas you godless heathens.
THE THANKS THAT KEEPS GIVING
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE THANKSGIVING LEFTOVERS By Girl who likes Brower It’s almost a week past Thanksgiving and you still have a fridge packed with turkey, stuffing and all of the other Thanksgiving fixings. Chances are, you won’t be able to eat it all, so here are some other things you can do with the leftovers so you don’t have to contribute to the global food waste problem. 1. Cranberry sauce as an air freshener-after a couple days, cranberry sauce will stiffen a little bit making it the ideal texture for an all-natural, non-toxic scent diffuser. There is nothing to keep the holiday spirit up like the scent of rotting cranberries diffusing throughout your house. Add a sprig of mint to elevate the aroma to the next level. 2. Sweet potato casserole as a face mask-the creamier the potatoes, the better the consistency for a moisturizing face mask full of nutrients. The sweet potatoes will brighten your skin with essential Vitamin A that will strengthen your immune system and promote your vision. 3. Stuffing as insulation-it’s almost winter time and that means the heat bills are going to hike up soon. Do yourself a favor and use that extra stuffing as insulation for your house. It’s a great use of resources and the critters between the walls will appreciate the holiday meal staple as well. 4. Turkey as toilet paper-for some reason, turkey is the star of the day even though it usually comes out too dry for anyone to enjoy. Well now we can make the most of one of its quintessential features by using leftover turkey as toilet paper. Stop wasting trees and treat your backside to a more luxurious, substantial product.
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, November 28th, 2018
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
“Have a holy jolly Christ-DICK!!! Hah! It’s funny cuz of dick.”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Hannukah is Right Around the Corner! Jews! How Does it Feel to Have a Holiday Nobody Cares About?
“I go to ugly sweater parties and don’t tell anyone I’m Jewish because I want to feel apart of something.” Danielle Furbank Jesus...oh shit I’m part of the problem “I don’t care, I love going to Chistmas parties.” David Laifer That guy who thinks it’s hilarious that he is the only Jew at a christmas party. it’s not. “Oh you think you have it rough?” Hans Djoos Celebrates St. Lucia’s Day
TRUE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
Top Gifts I Want For Christmas
POINT: LESS HOLES
Cloacas are better than vaginas BY MANDARIN FUCK
It seems like these days all anyone does is fuck each other silly in every possible orifice. It is frankly disgusting and hedonistic. What happened to the good old days when a man only fucked a woman through a sheet and planted his seed in her baby-hole. You didn’t even look at the va-jayjay (G-d’s given word for the female reproductive organ) lest your eyes melt and your innocence be stripped away leaving you a hull of a man. That’s why I say that cloacas are the far superior organ for fuckin’. Now hear me out, I know what you’re thinking: doesn’t that make you even more sinful for committing bestiality? And to that I say: Heck no! If G-- didn’t want men fucking birds he wouldn’t have made them have one little hole that perfectly fits the male peepee (not --’s word, but it’s more fun to say). And need I say birds aren’t too bad on the eyes, either…. To quote the late great Bob Marley’s “Three Little Birds”:one G------------------d, one hole.
COUNTERPOINT: MORE HOLES
I Got Gauges to Have More Holes
BY ALAN FREDRICKSON
Yeah, that’s right! It’s fucking Christmas time! Don’t give me that bullshit that it’s not Christmas time yet. Thanksgiving is over! Turn on the lights, blast Mariah Carey, put on Home Alone or Die Hard and let’s get this party started! Yes, Die Hard is a Christmas movie and whoever says otherwise doesn’t know shit. Fuck Thanksgiving. Fuck your Turkey and your football. Fuck your celebration for stealing the innocent Indians land and calling it yours for all these years. That’s right I fucking said it. I know it’s controversial but stop your politically correct bullshit and call them who they are. They are Indians. Native American my ass. We are the Native Americans. The ones born in the U.S of A baby! Thank Jesus I am not an Indian. That must have sucked when those white British fuckers came over and we’re just like “um ya hi, we are going to your land because why not you know?” No welcome basket or anything. Just straight up war. Those pilgrims had no manners at all. Whatever happened to “finders keepers” or “we were here first?” Just because I want to take my brother’s wife as mine doesn’t mean I can. He outbid me. It sucks but that’s life. You win some, you lose some. Chief Wahoo must have been so triggered because now he has to live in fucking Cleveland and cheer on their baseball team. And now those fuckers in Cleveland want to stop using him as their mascot. No wonder why Lebron left again. Cleavland is pure trash. Life sucks. But not on Christmas! It’s the greatest time of year. Everyone can enjoy Christmas! Except for the Jews who think they are better than us by making their own holiday around the same time. They might have gotten away with the killing of our Lord and savior but now creating a holiday just to compete with the birth of the man they killed? Nah fam that’s not gonna slide. Yippee ki yay mother fuckers and Merry Christmas.
BY JAMES CORDEN
I know what people think when they look at me. “Godless, masochistic, freakshow, bad at Super Mario Strikers,” they say to themselves. And some of those things may be true. They silently judge me while most people have GAUGES IN THEIR HEART! But at least I know what I’m about. I didn’t get gauges for pain- I got them for pleasure. Now I have two more orifices to use for fuckin’. It happens to many couples: You reach that stage in the bedroom where you just get tired of raw dogging the same 5 holes over and over. It happened to my boyfriend and I 3 months in. I mean how many combinations can you really make in one night? Sure you can spice things up in other ways, like revealing your inner feelings for each other so that the sex can be a magical consummation of your relationship and you can achieve true love, or like biting. But this option just seems so much more authentic. It’s like we opened up a whole new world. People say it’s unnatural, but is it? I mean, if you think about it, people have a million holes if you include all your pores. If my penis was a little smaller, I would be able to fuck those too. All I ask is that people keep open minds and open ears to this new innovation in fornication.
Wednesday, November 28th, 2018
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ARTS
“I gave up this week”
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19TH CENTURY THROWBACK BY LOU SKUNT
69 FOLLOW THE RAINBOW BY LOU SKUNT
CAUCASIAN PENISES BY LOU SKUNT
DO YOU WANT TO HELP THIS SORRY EXCUSE OF AN ARTIST FILL UP MORE SPACE THIS HIS PAGE? DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE THE NEXT DICK VINCI? COME TO THE MEDIUM’S PITCH MEETINGS AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER IN ROOM 201B WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45PM.
PERSONALS
the Medium Hoverwatch
White Hot Rage
Your constant switching of personals editors have left me with insecure attachment issues.
What the hell was up with the targum on monday? (They tried to get back at us for ripping their style on April Fool’s, but they did a terrible job of it.)
I fucking hate ice. (Dude, they tried to come to the rutgers career fair last year and backed out after student backlash. Made me proud to go here.)
Jeez, someone’s moody tonight.
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“Sick of your shit, Karen.”
Misc.
(These are the kind of jokes only psych majors get and even we don’t think they’re funny. Stuff it. )
Wednesday, November 28th, 2018
What do you think about Ashe being added to Overwatch?
(I just wanna go home (I was just telling my friends and play Pokemon, man, I that Overwatch needed didn’t even realize I was go- MORE white women.) ing to have to do this until What do you have about 5 minutes ago. Also against white women? my keyboard is sticky and (Nothing, there’s just too I’m extremely concerned.) many of them!) This adolscent dev class If you said that about gave me better sex ed any other race people than my high school. would be outraged. (Dude I know. Prof told (Getting angry about stuff me everything except what other people didn’t say to put where, and we’ve isn’t the best way to live got porn for that. Also, life, mate. I speak from watching a 65 year old experience.) woman talk about gay sex is oddly entertaining.) How do you put a smile when it’s right up against I hate memes. a parenthesis? (Come join The Medium! We’ve outright BANNED (I don’t think there’s a good way to do it, but I memes here! don’t think I’ll ever need to ...I miss them sometimes.) because I never smile :))
Seducing Ladies with a freshly shaved chest
Not ICE you raging SJW, regular ice!
(Oh. Yeah, me too, driving on it’s the worst.)
Man, you’re irritating to talk to. You’re why this country sucks.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes“ -My dad before leaving for cigarettes
(Take it up with the other personals editor. You wouldn’t have to talk to me if he showed up. I’m not sure why they keep subbing me in, I’m not funny.)
You may not be funny, but I like you anyway. You should be personals editor next semester. (Yeah, no thanks. Also, wtf is wrong with you? Who enjoys reading this? Do you need your head checked?)
Knowledge Are you there? (Hold on a sec, I’m trying to get the new guy to cover for me. We’ll be back with you soon.)
The Ghostbusters theme is one of the best songs If you think you’re doing ever written for film. a bad job, just edit it. (It’s pretty good, but have you considered “star span(I think if I do a bad job, it gled man with a plan” from incentivizes the real editor Captain America?) to show up more and keep me out of the way.) I’ve got an ace up my So you’re screwing the sleeve... It’s me. I’m rest of the paper over just asexual. so you have to do less (Alright, that’s actually work? pretty good. Put that on a shirt and I’d buy at least (It works for my group three of them.) mates in group projects so it’ll probably work for me I like my men like I like here.) my women. That’s the That’s fucked up, man. whole joke. I’m bisexual.
Whiny Bastard
What about everyone else on the paper? (Years of group work has rapidly whittled my empathy away to nothing!) Jeez, are you on your period or something?
Come make new friends or study buddies before finals at our pitch meeting on Wednesday @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center 201B
QOTW
(Let’s get a whole alphabet out of this. That’ll be our theme for this column, and maybe the next one.)
I’m... uh... I’ve got... hm. What begins with C?
(“Closeted”, but I want something more positive. (Alright, what the fuck. There’s hundreds of genders Who asks someone that? out there, though, browse Either you’re not and you the internet for a bit and I’l look like a sexist jerk, or sure we can find something. you’re right and you look like a sexist jerk. Also yes, Alright I finally got the new guy to cover for me I am.) so I’m out. Someone needs to fire this prick from the (Yeah, it’s me the new guy. I got big shoes to fill, unlike medium. the tiny imprint on the seat (You’re right, let me find you left for me.) someone else to take over real quick.)
Complaints My friends all have girlfriends while I am still single. Why? (Hey look bud, there are so many dating apps. Atleast one is bound to match with you...right?) Do I have to keep saying bless you everytime someone sneezes? (Don’t look at me. I’ve been playing along since I came to this country and don’t wanna cause any trouble.) Why do you get to publish in color while your paper still sucks? (You know how hard I have been hustling the street corners for these color issues? It has been hard work. I know no one asked for it, but I did it for The Medium dammit.) There is not enough Trump hating in The Medium. (There is only one man that I can spout constant vitriol towards, and that is my father. It really just doesn’t fit in my schedule.) Why does my butcher not have any good vegan options?
(It’s because Butchers enjoy killing animals too much. Have you ever seen an adult white Stallion fall down immeiatly after a blow to the head from a piston. That gets the blood rushing bud. And watching their blood rushing makes it all the better. Why stop?)
Wednesday, November 28th, 2018
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PAGE A7
“We can fix this, it’s ok we can fix this!!” -Dude who just accidentally killed someone.
the Medium
Would You Forgive Trump If He Just Said Sorry?
By Dandy Cough-Man Bakes Cookies
Washington DC- Look, I think we can all agree it’s been a rough couple of years, one thing’s for sure, we’re all tired. If Trump says he’s sorry, can we just agree to forgive him? I know it’s a lot to ask for but if we got him to apologize it would be huge. The only way we can move forward as a country and try to heal is by making compromises. If the Right can stand up and own up to what Trump did, the Left can be the bigger person and forgive them. Then maybe we can work on fixing this country. Just imagine how shocked you would feel if you woke up to the headline “Trump Apologizes”. That would change everything, people would stop fighting, the need for protest would disappear, and we can finally let go of these negative feelings and begin anew. “If Donald Trump apologized and the Left didn’t forgive him, it would be the dumbest thing they’ve done since acknowledging trans people’s existence,” said Ben Shapiro, “Just get over it, Donald Trump would deliver one of the best apologies ever. You just need to accept it, just like you need to accept that there’s a higher rate of Black on Black crime.” Tomi Lahren said that she agrees with Ben and would like to add,”Maybe if these athletes would stop kneeling and start feeling things from President Trump’s perspective they would see that he’s had a rough time. Him admitting fault would be very big and you’d do well to respect his atonement.” The White House released a statement saying, “President Trump will never release an apology because he knows the Dems could never get over their petty bullshit and leave the past in the past. Sad.” Maybe we should just apologize to each other...or just continue to yell over each other in Facebook comments.
Gender-fluid Student Has No Idea If They’re Gay Or Not
By Heywood Jablomi Doesn’t know what constitutes satire
New Brunswick, NJ-Matt Bailey, engineering student on Busch campus, faces many struggles in their day to day life. Their workload keeps increasing as finals get closer, their roommate is a slob, and the weather keeps getting worse and worse. However, despite what their prying family thinks, their problems don’t actually stem from their unconventional gender identity. They’ve already worked out a map of all the gender-neutral bathrooms on campus, came out to all their friends, and cut out all the people who decided not to respect them. However, one last issue does dwell over their mind… because they’re only attracted to women, and therefore not bi- or pansexual, they haven’t figured out if they’re gay or straight or neither. The Medium reached out to them to comment. “It’s not like a big deal,” Matt reported, “but it pops into my head sometimes. I guess on days where I feel more feminine, I’d be gay, but days where I’m more masculine, I’m straight, but it feels weird not having a consistent identity.”
november 28th, 2018 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com RU! NAH! NAH!
RUTG E R S S E T TO G I V E M E NS BASKETBALL “A S HOT ” ROBIN BANKS RENEWED RUTGERS FAN
NEW BRUNSWICK— At this point in history, Rutgers’ slogan “The Birthplace of College Football”, has become just that, a birthplace. From a birthplace, a child may grow up to be successful in business, but in Rutgers’ case, the child may also become the butt of every joke imaginable in college football. As a result, Director of Athletics, Patrick Hobbs has announced that Rutgers will finally shift its focus from football to basketball. “Who knew, we just had to spend $150 million on our program to realize that we messed up. As a result, we will decide to give Men’s Basketball a shot.” When asked whether or not any budget shifts may take place, Hobbs said, “Oh of course
Rutgers New Slogan All Hail Basketball
not. I personally just want to be on the winning side for once”. And Hobbs is right. Currently, the Men’s Basketball Team is 4-1, winning their last two. When asked his opinion as to what to expect, Men’s
Basketball Coach Steve Pikiell said, “It’s about time basketball gets some credit around here. That Chris Ash guy over at football really knows how to destroy a program.” Students, on the other hand, were rather confused. Of the concerns
that were brought up were, “Where will we pregame?”, “Where is the RAC?”, and “Wait, are there really THAT many more basketball games than football? If so, we gonna get lit”. Similarly, many presidents of fraternities voiced their concerns, mainly wondering how they will extend their budget for “recreational festivities” from football season, into basketball season. Chad Miller, president of Alpha Beta Delta said, “As a social fraternity, it is in our best interest to make sure we gather as a Rutgers community before each game to ‘congregate socially’”. Given that Rutgers has finally made one of the soundest decisions in its 252year history, it is very much appropriate to raise a glass to a new future
DO NOT BE A JIMMY
SIX YE A R O LD I NS I S T S HE C A N PLAY WITH THE B I G K I D S, LA ND S I N T HE HOSPITAL ROBIN BANKS ACCUSED PET HATER
What started out as a friendly game of football during Thanksgiving, ended up with a trip to the hospital for little Jimmy Cooper. Cooper, a six year from Ho-Ho-Kus decided that he should be able to play with the kids from the middle school this year. Even after desperate pleads from his mother to stay back and watch the Macy’s parade with her, Jimmy, ever the defiant HO
HO
KUS
—
Jimmy in the hospital Better luck next time, kid
six-year-old, marched over to the field and joined the game. The first two plays
went well for Jimmy, who started out as kick returner for his team. His small stature helped him
denouncing communism SInce 1970
quickly evade the bigger kids. However, on the third play, things went downhill. Frustrated, an eleven-year-old named “Moose” picked up Jimmy by his t-shirt and threw him a good fifteen yards. He was heard saying, “That’s what you get squirt”. It has since been six days since the incident and Jimmy has still not yet received surgery for his 4 broken ribs and fractured pelvis, since his mother is an alcoholic. A GoFundMe is being set up.