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NEWS
WHAT AN ABSOLUTE WEIRDO!
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Wednesday, December 12th, 2018
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LATEST IN SERIES OF INVESTIGATIONS FOLLOWING BAGELGATE FINDS DREW BARRYMORE HAS NEVER CONSUMED HUMAN FLESH, SOLD A HOME THOT JOPLIN BETWEEN A WALK AND A RUN
NEW YORK—On November 9th, 2018, American rapper, actor, producer, and author Ice-T sparked outrage when he revealed in a tweet that he had never consumed a bagel, or even coffee! Fans of T’s felt understandably betrayed and confused. Ice-T, neé Tracy Lauren Marrow, played a detective/ sergeant on the long-running police drama Law & Order: SVU. Twitter couldn’t believe that T had made it through twenty seasons of the show, holding bagels on multiple occasions, without tasting a single one! Bagelgate reached its climax on 11/29, when T sampled and
rejected a bagel, but following the incident, celebrities everywhere have come under intense scrutiny. Drew Barrymore, star of the Netflix horror-comedy web television series Santa Clarita Diet, raised eyebrows Tuesday when a similar shocking truth was revealed! Despite playing a suburban realtor thrown for a loop by her sudden cannibalistic urges, Barrymore admitted in a since-deleted tweet that she has never sold a house in her life, and hasn’t even tasted human flesh! Barrymore, 43, was shown in multiple episodes eating people’s fingers, or even entire people. Twitter users pointed to scenes where the actress was
AMERICA IS SHOCKED!
shown eating humans to survive as evidence that she must have at least tried cannibalism like once in the show’s nearly twoyear run. One fan suggested that Barrymore's memory disorder, documented in heart-wrenching rom-com 50 First Dates, was to blame for her failure to recall a single time she ate people. Drew has not commented further on the cannibalism rumors, but reminded fans in a later tweet that not all acting is character acting. In an exclusive comment to The Medium, she dropped the equally huge bombs that she’s also never been on rollerskates, rode in a car with boys, or seen Adam Sandler in real life.
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"THE ROCK" TURNS OUT NEW TEKASHI PROJECT TO BE "THE SCARECROW" LEAKED FROM PRISON RICHARD HURTZ ROCK HARD
KANSAS— Ever since production wrapped on his directorial debut, the upcoming Wizard of Oz reboot in which he also stars as the Scarecrow, Dwayne Johnson has apparently vanished from the public eye in a much talked about hiatus. After news broke that he quietly split from his wife of over ten years we got our top paparazzi on the case. We were able to hunt down the 6ft 5 G. I. Joe: Retaliation star by piecing together the shredded bits of his bank statements, only to find out that his only major recent purchase was a small farm in rural Kansas. We then spent no expense buying our best photographers and reporters economic tickets to the only airport in all of Kansas. Much to our surprise, there did not appear to be anybody there despite having clear signs that the house is currently being
Editorial Staff Fall 2018
BRADLEY TANNER STREETWISE HIP-HOP CORRESPONDENT
lived in. As they explored the premises the only sign that the Rock even lived there was a strikingly realistic scarecrow that looked exactly like him. When they approached the two discovered that it was the real deal, the famous actor of Doom and Jumanji fame was propped up in this random Kansas field spooking birds all day. The reporters asked the former wrestling star what he was up to. Stuck hanging on the wooden peg, the Rock reluctantly recanted his story of self awakening while filming his new movie. Yes, we’re serious. “The Rock” has always been... “The Scarecrow!” When we asked about whether he’d ever return to movied, he merely stood there silently, as he truly is. Sadly, we may never get to see him and his buff, hay stuffed chest ever again.
Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Managing Editor Marissa Schwartz Business Manager Shaina Joseph Mascot Sick New Brunswick Cat
3. POOTIN* (ft. Paul Manafort) *a 22 minute podcast diatribe about the nuances of electoral obstruction 4. SKINHEDE* (ft. Anders Breivik, James Fields, and Aryan Brotherhood Leader Inmate #02496-399) *where 6ix9ine tries to outracist certifiable racist extremists by flexing his clout as the biggest non-black rapper to use THAT word 5. DOGGI (ft. David Berkowitz)
1. 2TOOPID (ft. Bobby Shmurda, Tay-K 47, and Suge Knight) 2. SOOPA VIOL8 (ft. Kifano Jordan A.K.A Shotti A.K.A. FUCKING TR3YWAY)
News Editors Dan Cretella Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Jeff Zhang Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Scott Hoberman
6. GRAHIB* (ft. Jeremy Sivits) *a civilian sex criminal and a sex war criminal lament being the REAL victims of oppression . C.U.M. GANG* (ft. Jared 7 Fogle, Ian Watkins, Austin Jones, and Bill Cosby)
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Zoe Sifnakis Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field Tucker Carlson
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in the Livingston Student Center. This issue is dedicated to Perez Hilton
the Medium
OPINIONS
“This is how you remind me... of what I really am!”
CELEBRITY VOICES
What Was Your Biggest Accomplishment of 2018? “Knocking two strokes off my game.” Donald Trump One Smocking hot prez.
“Fucking Arianna Grande” Pete Davison Accomplished what mear men could only dream of.
“convincing God to send my dad to hell.” Michael Jackson Then wouldn’t he be stuck with him? THE ULTIMATE MONEY SCHEME
Oprah’s Rise to Fame Was All a Hoax to Sell Weight Watchers
BY ALAN FREDRICKSON Oprah Winfrey has worked a special spot in our hearts after years in the spotlight, but the truth is, it’s all been a hoax. Sure, it’s been a steady rise since her debut as local news anchor in 1973, until her she rose to mainstream celebrity in the mid 80’s but it’s all been part of a greater scheme to make Weight Watchers a household name. Each tear-jerking episode and every feel-good inspirational segment of The Oprah Winfrey Show was orchestrated to burrow into our minds and cultivate unwavering deference to the cultural icon. Her show continued on until 2011, but it wasn’t propelled solely by her desire to bring quality daytime to America. Sources close to Ms. Winfrey’s agents, who have asked to remain anonymous, exclusively shared information about Oprah’s secret business deal with Weight Watchers at the start of her career. Back when she was an up and coming T.V. personality in Baltimore, she signed a contract agreeing to be the future spokesmodel and celebrity endorser of Weight Watchers. Part of the contract was to weave a personal weight-loss narrative into her journalistic work as she built her viewer following. Years later, she’s lived up to the terms of her contract. Now Oprah is the brand’s spokesperson pushing bread-inclusive weight-loss system.
Wednesday, December 12th, 2018
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MORE LIKE BIG TIME FLUSH
I Miss Big Time Rush BY GUSTAVO ROCQUE
It’s been a few years now since we’ve had a smash hit boy band top the charts, so I think it’s about time that I say what been on everybody’s mind: it’s about time for Big Time Rush to make a comeback. No other pop group made it count, played it straight, didn’t look back, and didn’t hesitate like they did. No matter where I am, Paris, London, Tokyo, there’s just one thing that I gotta do: listen to Big Time Rush. Every evening I play them is a big night. I know I’m gonna have a good time. And try as I may, every time I put BTR down, I know they’re coming right back. Even if they’re not in your top ten right now, give them time, and you know they’re gonna be there. If I ruled the world, every house would have a DJ (bumping Big Time Rush), and a backyard party (at which everyone is dancing to Big Time Rush). I swear I’ll do anything that I have to till I forget about how much I need everybody to start listening to Big Time Rush again. I would say that we’re about halfway there to making Big Time Rush relevant again, and looking back now, I never thought that I’d ever say that. So get up, up, out of your seats all you geeks freaks and wannabes, and bump BTR worldwide.
THE DEVIL CAN TAKE MANY FORMS
10 Reasons Why Stan Lee is in Hell BY LEE STANLISLAV
For all of you who think Stan Lee is a goddamn saint, it is time to hear the truth. For those of you who know me, this is not about Stan Lee not showing up to his book signing that I WAITED THREE HOURS FOR! AND BEING SEVERELY ILL IS NOT A GOOD REASON FOR A CELEBRITY. Aside from that, he is a horrible person who belongs in hell and here is why: 1. He sexualized a teenage boy by sticking him in spandex, showing his beautifully chiseled abs and sexy legs, and his nice round--ehem, excuse me I went on a little long there. 2. He supported DC Comics. Pick a side goddammit. 3. Thor 2. 4. Portrayed Hugh Heffner in Ironman, a well-known sinner. 5. He’s a Jew. 6. He hates Nickelback. 7. He thinks he’s so fucking special. I meaning putting yourself in every marvel movie, talk about narcissism. 8. Was not a vegan 9. Reminds me of my asshole step-dad, fuck you Brad. 10.The bastard died on us before they could film his Avengers Endgame.
The Th short o n e v a h They y and r o m e m term dam A h t i w p wake u ed! b r i e h t n i Sandler
They stick forks up their ass for pure pleasure!
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the Medium Celebrity Personals
CELEB PERSONALS “What did they say now?”
Wednesday, December 12th, 2018
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Celebrity Quotes
How did they fit Ryan Reynolds inside Pikachu?
(They just tear some of his limbs off till he can fit inside Pikachu. Then they heal him after the shoot using his Deadpool powers.) Will Will Smith smith? (I don’t think he has invested any skill points in crafting. So I will say no but I’m not really sure either.) When do you think Snooki is going to run for the US Senate? (If she runs, my theory that we actually live in the darkest timeline will be validated! Then we just need to watch out of the flying three-eyed dildos coming to hunt children and eat only their ears.) Are we sure all these Kanye West political crap isn’t just his alter ego: Wanye Kest? (I’m not sure what it is. I just know that he needs to be medicated.) Why hasn’t Godzilla gotten MeToo’d yet? Just go to Mothra, I bet she has stories. (We at the Medium is writing an exclusive story about how Ash was violated by Brock’s Onix. Please wait for the features next year.) This is my last issue as the Personals editor! I just want to say to my fellow editors good luck on your future endevors!
This is our last issue You did it! You stuck to the end!
“I have actually been killed by an “Every time I see Ian McKellen, I tried to tear some of his hair off assassin. People need to understand my stand-ups are just because he has hair and I don’t.“ -Sir Patrick Stewart jokes. They are not real.“ -John Mulaney
“I was actually a rapper before I got into the movie business but I was not famous because I keep “I thought naming my baby after calling myself a rappist.“ our album then divorcing Cardi B -Awkwafina will create a Two and a Half Man kind situation with the rest of Migos so I can sell my life right to CBS. But now Les Moonves got into a sex scandal and I have to shop my show around different networks. I’m just putting it out here that if any network is interested just let me know. “ -Offset “Avenger 4 is just an 127 Hours style movie when people watch me starve, almost die and knaw one of my arm off in space.“ -Robert Downey Jr.
And just like we promised, our treasure is buried in
“I thought my children would come out in oblong shapes so I could throw them really far. That’s the only dissatisfaction I the friendships we have against Gisele.“ made along the way -Tom Brady
“Fuck off.” -Nancy Pelosi
Wednesday, December 12th, 2018 themedium.features@gmail.com
F/ARTS
“Does The Gingerbread Man Crumb?”
DEATH TO ALL
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PAPARAZZI: SNOOP & RILEY BY LOU SKUNT
Top Ten Celebrities I Hope Die in 2019 By Disco Macabre 10. Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian Mckellen - All I want is to have them die within seconds of each other so they can continue the greatest bromance in the great beyond. 9. Bill Cosby - It’s inevitable, at this point I’m making an educated guess. 8. Cardi B - My sister likes her, that’s why. 7. Dick Van Dyke - He should have been punished for that shitty British accent a long time ago. 6. Yoko Ono - Imagine there’s no Yoko Ono. It isn’t hard to do. 5. Willie Nelson - Friendship with Willie Nelson ended, friendship with Snoop Dogg started. 4. Tom Hanks - His first leading role was in “Mazes and Monsters”, a movie on how Dungeon and Dragons is corrupting the youth with demonic rituals. Since our demon overlords were successful, it’s time he gets his soul taken by Asmodeus, ruler of the Nine Hells. 3. Keanu Reeves - He’s too nice. 2. Betty White - At this point, i’m afraid she is immortal and really hope she doesn’t destroy reality with her longevity. 1. Jerry Seinfeld - He wouldn’t hug Ke$ha, what a cock. Also him being a giant sociopath doesn’t help.
CELEBRITY DOTW: DANNY DICKVITO LOU SKUNT
SOME CELEBRITIES PROBABLY BELIEVE THESE
Whoreoscopes
Aries- You’ll be rich, or dead or something. Taurus- Someone will dig up something stupid you said online when you were a teenager. You’ll apologize and mean it, but get punished for it anyway, because life’s just not fair. Also you’re going to break your legs. Gemini- Something really bad is gonna happen, and you won’t be around, but somehow it’s your fault. Yes, it had nothing to do with you, and you couldn’t have possibly prevented it, but it’s on you now. Nice job ruining it, dickhead. Cancer- You’ll be in charge of the most important group project of your life, and your group members won’t do work, fight amongst themselves, and might even be a little racist. Leo- If you’re a dog person, your week is going to go just fine. Go home and pet your dog, go play outside a bit. If you’re a cat person, you’re going to have a physics test and fail it, because quantum physics is stupid. If you’re neither a cat or a dog person, make up your damn mind. Virgo- You’ll end up on a talk show and accidentally give shockingly good romantic advice, become a regular, and start a happy life dispensing intentionally bad romantic advice and wreaking havoc on the lives of others. Libra- You’re going to go to court, get tried for an incredibly minor offense, and get put to death. You’ll then escape and live a life as a librarian before eventually getting summoned for jury duty and putting someone else to death. Scorpio- Try making friends, we both know you have none. Sagittarius- You’re going to get caught masturbating in an empty lecture hall. Even if you make a conscious attempt to not do that, someone’s going to find you masturbating in the lecture hall. Also you’re going to have a nightmare about your best friend being attacked by a clown. Capricorn- If you’re not already a stoner, you’re going to become a stoner. You’re going to get some fantastic drugs and have the best week of your life. Sadly, you won’t remember it. Aquarius- You’re going to go swimming, and someone is somehow going to get swimsuit pictures of you and leak them online. Fortunately, they don’t go anywhere because no one knows who you are and you don’t matter. Pisces- You’re going to throw a tantrum when your professor doesn’t change your grade, and your friend is going to laugh at you.
SOVIET RUTGERS BY LOU SKUNT
december 12th, 2018 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com SCANDALOUS!
LIANGE LO BA LL F O LLOW S LO NZO’S FOOTSTEPS, B E C O M E S A BA B Y DADDY ROBIN BANKS LAKERS FAN
CHINO HILLS— LiAngelo
Ball, the middle child of the Ball family, has confirmed that he is indeed a baby daddy to a girl he met at a party nine months ago. LiAngelo, ever so the middle child, is no stranger to dubious acts. Just last year, LiAngelo and a few of his buddies from UCLA were arrested in China after shoplifting sunglasses from a Louis Vuitton store. After not getting drafted in this past June’s draft, LiAngelo decided to drink his sorrows away at Chino Hills’ most eligible place to get knocked up, Fuego Salsa and Bachata. That is where he met this mystery girl and you know how it goes from there.
The father to be and his brother Many Ls Have Been Taken
LiAngelo’s outspoken father, Lavar Ball, was more than happy upon hearing the news. “My goal for all three of my sons is for them to play basketball for the Lakers and to have children
outside of marriage, in that order. Given that my boy LiAngelo knocked a girl up before he got into the league is OK with me. I guess he’s a step ahead of Lonzo. As for LaMelo, he has got some work to do”. Ever the cheerleader
dad, Lavar bought his son a 2008 Honda Odyssey in order for him to prepare on being a father. As for LiAngelo, things are looking rather murky for him. The Medium was able to gain exclusive access to the Ball household in Chino Hills, where the father to be was playing Red Dead Redemption 2. When asked whether he knew the girl, LiAngelo said, “Nah”. When asked how he found out, he said, “Some b**** hit my line and told me I’m her baby daddy. I always wanted to become one, you know since Lonzo is, and he’s dad’s favorite. Take that Lonzo”. We at the Medium wish Lavar Ball all the luck, since he will basically be paying the child support.
DO NOT BE A JIMMY
LEBRO N JA M E S G I V E S AWAY S HOES LACED WITH C O C A I NE ROBIN BANKS WANTS SOME DRUGS
MEMPHIS— On Saturday, in a 111-88 victory over the Memphis Grizzlies, Lebron James gifted a pair of his game worn sneakers to a ball girl. The exchange, caught on camera, warmed the hearts of thousands across the sports world. Valued at over $2,000, many speculate that the ball girl might even sell those shoes to buy herself a nice Christmas present.
The exchange The carnage continues
However, on Monday night, new developments emerged that those sneakers that Lebron
over $15,000, those shoes are much more sought after. All of this comes after a bombshell report by the Associated Press claiming that Lebron James is part of an international celebrity drug ring. It is no wonder that “King James” net worth has shot up in recent months. Many efforts have been made to find the woman who was “gifted” the gifted had about 1 kilo shoes. Reports are that of cocaine stitched into she is hiding in her the in-seam of the shoes. chateau on Lake Geneva. With a street value of
PAYING CHILD SUPPORT SInce 1970